THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS by JILLIAN R. E. SHERWOOD Bachelor of Arts (Hons), Trinity Western University, 2021 Thesis submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of MASTER OF ARTS IN COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY in the FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES TRINITY WESTERN UNIVERSITY October 2024 © Jillian Sherwood, 2024 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS ii The following committee members attest to the successful completion of this thesis Larissa Rossen, PhD, Thesis Advisor Estera Boldut, PsyD, Degree Committee Member Nicola Gazzola, PhD, Degree Committee Member THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS iii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS First and foremost, to my 10 participants: I am so grateful for your courage, generosity, and vulnerability as you shared the beginnings of your counselling journeys. Thank you for showing me the diverse, dynamic, and relational nature of what authenticity can be. To Larissa, my supervisor: this project would not have happened without your belief in both my abilities and the potential of this research, and I am deeply grateful for the time, effort, and encouragement that you have invested in me over the last 3 years. To Estera, my second reader: thank you for the work you have done in this field already through your supervision, your leadership, and your research. I am so grateful for the perspectives you shared and how your work has helped shape this project. To my research assistants, Allison, Dani, Emily, Gilles, Haylee, KellyAnne, and Morgan, as well as the members of Larissa’s research lab: I am thankful for the time and effort that you contributed to reading through transcripts, identifying voices, and supporting me through this research journey. To the faculty and supervisors who have taught me as I moved through this program: many of you saw and encouraged my authentic self even before I did, and for that I will be forever grateful. Thank you for helping me find my voice. Lastly, to the kind and hard-working staff of Café Amarti in Abbotsford, BC: I wrote much of this document in your café and I am grateful for the consistent, peaceful, and lively space you provide to all that walk in your door. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS iv ABSTRACT The ability for a therapist to be authentic is seen as a significant and necessary part of counselling training. Although authenticity has been acknowledged as a critical part of becoming a therapist, the experiences of beginning therapists encountering authenticity as an expectation throughout their training remains relatively unexplored. Utilizing the listening guide methodology from a constructivist lens, this case study asks: what are the voices of authenticity in beginning therapists? Ten therapists who recently graduated from Trinity Western University’s master’s level counselling program were interviewed. Several voices emerged after analysis, which were organized into five broad groupings: voices of (a) ambiguity, (b) vulnerability, (c) invalidation, (d) connection, and (e) anchoring. This case study has implications for how authenticity is defined and implemented in graduate training programs as professors and supervisors work to encourage growth, professionalism, and congruence in their students and supervisees. Key words: counsellor training; counsellor development; authenticity; self; case study THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS v TABLE OF CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ........................................................................................................... iii ABSTRACT................................................................................................................................... iv TABLE OF CONTENTS ................................................................................................................ v LIST OF TABLES ......................................................................................................................... ix LIST OF FIGURES ........................................................................................................................ x CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION ................................................................................................... 1 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW ........................................................................................ 4 Authenticity in Counselling Psychology ............................................................................ 4 Congruence ............................................................................................................. 5 The True Self .......................................................................................................... 6 The Real Self........................................................................................................... 6 Relational Authenticity ........................................................................................... 7 The Development of the Therapist ..................................................................................... 8 The Person of the Therapist .................................................................................. 10 Challenges in Authentic Therapist Development ............................................................. 12 Conditions of Worth ............................................................................................. 12 The Idealized Self ................................................................................................. 13 The False Self ....................................................................................................... 14 The Developing Self ............................................................................................. 17 Summary and Research Question ..................................................................................... 18 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS vi CHAPTER 3: METHODOLOGY ................................................................................................ 20 Delimitations ..................................................................................................................... 20 Research Paradigm............................................................................................................ 21 Qualitative Research ............................................................................................. 22 Researcher’s Position ............................................................................................ 23 Research Methodology: The Listening Guide .................................................................. 24 Data Collection ................................................................................................................. 27 Participant Description.......................................................................................... 27 Participant Recruitment ........................................................................................ 29 Inclusion and Exclusion Criteria ........................................................................... 30 Collecting the Data ............................................................................................... 32 Data Analysis .................................................................................................................... 32 Listening Guide Steps ........................................................................................... 33 Rigour and Quality ............................................................................................................ 35 Authenticity and Trustworthiness ......................................................................... 35 Reflexivity............................................................................................................. 37 CHAPTER 4: RESULTS .............................................................................................................. 39 Participant Narratives........................................................................................................ 39 Mara ...................................................................................................................... 40 Darren ................................................................................................................... 45 Arlene .................................................................................................................... 47 Voluble Ghost ....................................................................................................... 48 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS vii Mary Aldous ......................................................................................................... 51 Lulu ....................................................................................................................... 53 Tokoloshi .............................................................................................................. 55 Summer ................................................................................................................. 57 Kiara ...................................................................................................................... 59 Voices ............................................................................................................................... 61 Voices of Ambiguity ............................................................................................. 61 Voices of Vulnerability ......................................................................................... 67 Voices of Invalidation ........................................................................................... 72 Voices of Connection ............................................................................................ 78 Voices of Anchoring ............................................................................................. 86 Integrative Summary: The Experience of Authenticity .................................................... 92 CHAPTER 5: DISCUSSION........................................................................................................ 95 Connections to the Literature ............................................................................................ 95 The Developing Therapist..................................................................................... 95 Conceptualizing Authenticity ............................................................................... 98 Additions to the Literature .............................................................................................. 100 The Impact of Authenticity ................................................................................. 101 Moving Beyond the True and False Self ............................................................ 102 Implications for Counselling Psychology ....................................................................... 104 Student Development .......................................................................................... 104 Clinical Supervision ............................................................................................ 110 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS viii Limitations and Future Research .................................................................................... 112 Conclusion ...................................................................................................................... 115 REFERENCES ........................................................................................................................... 117 APPENDIX A: Invitation Email ................................................................................................. 126 APPENDIX B: Letter of Consent ............................................................................................... 127 APPENDIX C: Demographics Email ......................................................................................... 129 APPENDIX D: Interview Guide ................................................................................................. 130 APPENDIX E: Member Check Interview Guide ....................................................................... 131 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS ix LIST OF TABLES Table 1: Participant Demographics ............................................................................................... 28 Table 2: Voice Groups .................................................................................................................. 39 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS x LIST OF FIGURES Figure 1: Mapping the Experience of Authenticity: Part 1 ........................................................... 92 Figure 2: Mapping the Experience of Authenticity: Part 2 ........................................................... 93 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 1 CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION The ability for a therapist to be authentic is highly regarded and is often associated with experienced and mature counsellors (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003). In the context of counselling psychology, authenticity refers to one’s ability to fully represent themselves and who they are, consistent with their internal values and external responses. Being authentic requires selfawareness, as one must look deeply at how they experience themselves in order to openly communicate their true selves with others (Lietaer, 2001; Yang et al., 2022). The authentic presence of the therapist has been associated with a strong therapeutic alliance and positive therapeutic change, as therapists are able to model authenticity for their clients (Gelso et al., 2014; Kolden et al., 2019; Lietaer, 2001; Nakamura, 2014). Given its associations with positive therapeutic outcomes, the focus of psychotherapist training over the past few decades has shifted to include more of a personal element, requiring beginning therapists to go through intense personal development (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013; Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010). However, this intense focus on authenticity and personal growth in therapist development has presented some unique challenges. When authenticity and the genuine self are so strongly valued in an environment where students are also being graded, evaluation of the therapist can feel more like an evaluation of the self (Eckler-Hart, 1987). This tension may lead beginning therapists to feel like mistakes as a therapist is equivalent to mistakes as a person, which can potentially result in feelings of distress and anxiety (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003; Swaby, 2020). There is a continued need for research on the experiences of beginning therapists, as there is a small but growing body of literature that focuses on how the struggle of authenticity is experienced during development. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 2 The phases of counsellor development outlined by Rønnestad & Skovholt (2003, 2013) provide an important foundation for this study. Challenges such as anxiety and fear of failure are seen as developmentally normal within student stages of personal and professional development (Rønnestad et al., 2019; Ulvick & Rønnestad, 2013). The academic environment in combination with a beginning therapist’s personal life and emotional reactions to their performance as a therapist also contribute to anxiety in these beginning stages, highlighting some of the challenges of personal and professional development that students may experience during training. The student stages of development are also strongly influenced by evaluating professionals such as supervisors and professors (Gibson et al., 2010; Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013). Research on beginning therapists’ experiences of their supervisors found that there are times when beginning therapists felt the need to present inauthentic versions of themselves in order to minimize conflict with their supervisor, resulting in feelings of frustration, disappointment, and anxiety (De Stefano et al., 2017). These findings suggest that a beginning therapist may have difficulty expressing their authentic self when encountering evaluating professionals within their training program. Although the developmental changes that take place throughout beginning therapist development have been addressed in the literature, the question of how beginning therapists experience authenticity in the context of the beginning stages of therapist development has yet to be explored in-depth. The purpose of this case study is to provide insight into the specific experiences of beginning therapists in Trinity Western University’s counselling training program after they have graduated, as they reflect on how they experienced authenticity throughout their development as a therapist. The following research question is what guides the present case study: What are the THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS voices of authenticity in beginning therapists1? Using the listening guide methodology, the present study explores voices of participants as they recall their training experience— putting words to what it is like to experience authenticity as they develop personally and professionally. The findings of this case study are especially relevant for supervisors and faculty of counselling programs who are positioned to create training environments where beginning therapists can develop their personal and professional selves. The term beginning therapists is utilized throughout this study to describe master’s level students in counselling psychology. This term was chosen as it describes the stage of development where, although students are still in training, they are also actively practicing counsellors in practicum and internship settings. Beginning therapists is intended to best capture their experiences at the start of their careers while still in training. 1 3 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 4 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW Developing one’s authentic self has been widely recognized as a critical part of psychotherapist development. Despite research showing that authenticity and congruence is a lifelong process, the pressure to be authentic within the early stages of counselling training is present (Eckler-Hart, 1987; Swaby, 2020; Yang et al., 2022). A growing body of research is beginning to point out the challenges that the value of authenticity can present for developing therapists, and more work is needed to understand the impact of these challenges on beginning therapists. This chapter presents defines authenticity in relation to counselling and presents research on the personal and professional development of the therapist. It concludes with a focus on challenges that have been identified within counselling psychology training, paying attention to how these challenges are relevant to the beginning developmental stages of a therapist’s authentic development. Authenticity in Counselling Psychology A therapist’s authentic presence in the counselling room has repeatedly been recognized as one of the most important contributions to therapeutic change (Fife et al., 2014; Geller & Greenberg, 2002, 2012; Rogers, 1957). The therapist as a person, regardless of the skills they use, has been associated with more significant outcomes in therapy (Fife et al., 2014; Simon, 2006). The personal nature of therapy has its roots in humanistic therapies, including Rogers’ person-centered therapy. Given the body of research supporting the importance of the therapist’s authentic presence in the counselling room, it is important to consider what the literature defines authenticity as in relation to counselling and the implications of emphasizing authenticity in relation to therapist development. As authenticity has been defined by many different theorists THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 5 over the course of psychology’s history, this section will share an overview of the most influential definitions that are relevant to the field of counselling psychology. Congruence One of the most well-known descriptions of authenticity within the context of counselling psychology comes from Carl Rogers’ description of congruence. Rogers (1961) defines congruence as when an individual is able to be fully themselves, integrating both their internal experiences with their values and how they experience the world. Developing the authentic, congruent presence of the counsellor has become a key component of many counselling training programs, mainly because the authentic presence of the counsellor is associated with high levels of change in the client (Donati & Watts, 2005; Kolden et al., 2019; Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2013; Wilkins, 1997). This emphasis on congruence has resulted in a large emphasis placed on personal development, making counselling training not only about skill development but also about developing a genuine therapeutic presence. Congruence, or one’s ability to be authentic, can be separated into two distinct parts: (1) an awareness of one’s own internal experience and (2) transparency, which refers to one’s willingness to share their internal experience with others (Greenberg & Geller, 2001; Lietaer, 1993; Rogers, 1961). According to Rogers’ (1961) perception of authenticity in therapists, there is both an internal and external component: not only does authenticity require self-awareness, but it also requires an element of disclosure. Rogers’ (1961) definition also situates congruence in the context of relationship because in order for an individual to be authentic, they must be aware of their own self and they must be transparent with others. Even though new therapists will often feel pressure to be authentic early on in their training, learning to do this fully has been identified THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS in the literature as a lifelong task and a sign of an experienced therapist (Eckler-Hart, 1987; Greenberg & Geller, 2001; Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013; Swaby, 2020). The True Self Similar to Rogers’ description of congruence and genuineness, psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the term true self to describe authenticity in therapists. One’s true self can be described as their genuine, authentic, and inherent being (Winnicott, 1960; Eckler-Hart, 1987). Beyond one’s authentic presence, Winnicott (1960) also described the true self as spontaneous and creative, allowing for one to feel a sense of being real and alive. Given the personal nature of counselling training and therapist development, therapists are expected to be in touch with their true selves (Swaby, 2020). In relation to therapist development, embodying the true self occurs when the therapist is able to engage with the client authentically, spontaneously, and freely in a way that is consistent with their authentic self (Winnicott, 1971). When a therapist is connected with their true self, they are able to relate openly and creatively towards their clients and, as a result, the therapeutic relationship is enhanced (Aponte, 2022). The Real Self Another conceptualization of what it means to be authentic comes from German psychoanalyst Karen Horney’s theory of the real self. Although Horney (1950) drew from psychoanalytic theory, many of her ideas about the self are more consistent with a humanistic view of authenticity—she viewed the self as dynamic, continually evolving, and filled with possibilities. Horney discusses how an individual’s real self is a deep knowledge of one’s true feelings, thoughts, desires, and capacities, as well as the ability to use this knowledge to utilize inner resources and connect deeply with others. Captured within this view of authenticity is a strong sense of who one is, and also how one’s authentic self may not stay the same throughout 6 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 7 one’s life. A critical part of the real self is its possibilities and what it could become, given necessary conditions (Gunn et al., 2015). As an individual responds to the world, how they express themselves authentically can change through encounters with oneself and others. Relational Authenticity In addition to congruence, the true self, and the real self, authenticity can also be viewed through a relational lens, which is particularly relevant to exploring the development of the therapist. Relational Cultural Theory (RCT) is a psychodynamic framework that was developed in order to understand how people develop in the context of relationship. This theory assumes that relationship dynamics and experiences are often dictated by larger sociopolitical forces (Jordan, 2008, 2010; Lenz, 2014). In RCT, authenticity is inseparable from relationship and context, and therefore must be studied with relationship and context in mind. Relational authenticity is one of the core components of human development within RCT (and, consequently, a component of therapist development). Relational authenticity is defined as one’s ability to bring their real experiences, feelings, and thoughts into a relationship with another person, while considering the impact of their actions on others (Jordan, 2018). At the heart of this definition of authenticity is the relational component: In order to be authentic, an individual both acknowledges who they are and is able to bring their genuine self into relationship with another. This particular definition also makes room for authenticity to be understood in terms of power dynamics and social factors that may exist when looking at beginning therapists. For example, how does one experience authenticity if they are being evaluated by faculty in a position of power? How do these relational dynamics affect one’s ability to be authentic? Within RCT and relational authenticity, these questions become relevant to a beginning therapist’s experience of authenticity. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 8 The Development of the Therapist Some of the research on counselling training that was previously focused on the efficacy of beginning therapists has begun to shift towards therapist development. A significant part of becoming a therapist is gaining a better sense of who one is, not only as a person, but as a professional, which is an integral part of many counselling training programs (Healey & Hays, 2012; Nugent & Jones, 2009; Prosek & Hurt, 2014). The process of the developing therapist is lengthy and complex, and often involves not only an understanding of one’s identity, but a complete transformation of it (Bruss & Kopala, 1993). Not only is this process inherent within many training programs, it is also lifelong; a high congruence between self and therapeutic strategies can occur much later in a therapist’s career (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013). When considering both personal and professional development in therapists, it is important to consider the lengthy and complex process that this development involves. Over the past few decades of counselling training research, the development of the self has emerged as being a central part of therapist training. This is both because of the clinical importance of the therapist’s self and the belief that a therapist must know themselves before they can assist another in doing the same (Donati & Watts, 2005; Johns, 2012). Knowing oneself as both a person and as a professional are seen as critical parts of the therapeutic process, and, consequently, are thought to carry as much weight as learning about counselling theory and methodologies in counselling education (Edwards & Bess, 1998). This emphasis on the beginning therapist’s knowledge of themselves makes therapist development unique in that it is not only a professional process, but a personal one. One of the most notable studies on the developing therapist was done over a 15-year period by Rønnestad & Skovholt (2003), who identified six phases of the developing therapist. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 9 These stages consisted of the lay helper, the beginning student, the advanced student, the novice professional, the experienced professional, and the senior professional. Three of these phases are particularly relevant to the beginning therapist’s development, as they would likely find themselves in the beginning student phase and gradually move towards the advanced student and novice professional stages over the course of their training. The beginning student is heavily influenced by professors and supervisors (and, consequently, their training program). This stage is marked by a vulnerability and dependency as the beginning therapist tries to make sense of themselves and their new role (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003). The advanced student is similar to the beginning student in that they are still learning how to become a professional; however, the advanced student is able to recognize that training has impacted them. They know that they have learned and see their own growth, while also realizing that there is much more to learn. Following the advanced student phase, the novice professional phase encapsulates approximately the first five years after graduation. What is significant about this phase is the novice therapist’s tendency to reflect on their training experiences while also experiencing being on their own for the first time in their career. Although there is now distance between themselves and their training program, Rønnestad & Skovholt (2003) noted that beginning therapists will seek to confirm the validity of their training, experience a period of disillusionment when confronted with professional challenges they feel unprepared for, and enter into a period of more intense self-exploration to further integrate the personal and professional self. The novice professional stage highlights how the beginning therapist’s training program continues to be a part of their development after graduation. As beginning therapists start to practice therapy after graduation, they continue to develop while reflecting on how their training has shaped their professional identity. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 10 The Person of the Therapist Throughout the history of counselling, a critical part of therapist development has been the concept of the person-of-the-therapist, which refers to the therapists’ own personal characteristics, strengths, and challenges and how these aspects impact the therapeutic process. The person-of-the-therapist had emerged from the early psychoanalytic idea that the therapists’ personal biases, challenges, and experiences could negatively impact the therapeutic process (Freud, 1910/1957; Kissel et al., 2017). Within the psychoanalytic theory of counselling, the therapists’ personal self was to be challenged and overcome in order to decrease the therapist’s unconscious influence on the client (Freud, 1910/1957). However, as counselling training has evolved, new theories of counselling development have shifted away from viewing the therapists’ self as a block to therapeutic change and towards the self as a tool that can be utilized for positive change. This use of self can be seen through the works of humanistic therapists, such as Carl Rogers (1961), who theorized that a congruent, authentic therapeutic presence was necessary for client change in therapy. In her writings on the topic of the self of the therapist, family therapist Virginia Satir (2013) also believed that an integrated self was something that could be utilized as a tool in therapy to help the therapist connect and empathize with the client. This emphasis of self-development in counselling has led to different models of training, with one such example being the Person of the Therapist Training (POTT) model. This model of counselling training stresses the use of the personal self of the therapist in the present moment that they are meeting with their clients (Aponte & Kissil, 2016). The goal of this training model is not to resolve the challenges that the therapist faces in their lives, but to better connect with and utilize their self as a means of connection and shared humanity as part of effective provision of therapy with clients. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 11 The POTT model also emphasizes the beginning therapists’ self-awareness in the present moment. This self-awareness comes from connection with the beginning therapist’s personal journey which the POTT model argues is necessary in order for the therapist to empathize with their clients in a deep, authentic way, and training is therefore presumed to prepare the therapist for using self-awareness in the present moment when working with their clients (Kissel et al., 2017). In order to facilitate self-awareness, professors and supervisors assist beginning therapists in recognizing themes and challenges in the therapist’s own life (Aponte & Kissil, 2016). The emphasis of training through the POTT model is not to resolve these challenges so that they are no longer a barrier to counselling, but rather to help the therapist move through them and work with them in a way that is effective in the provision of therapy. If a beginning therapist is able to access and learn to embrace these vulnerable and often painful parts of oneself, the POTT model proposes that the therapist will then be able to better utilize the person of the therapist in the provision of clinical work (Kissel et al., 2017; Niño et al., 2016). This model of therapist development, which strongly emphasizes the person-of-the-therapist, illustrates how counselling training can often involve deep, personal exploration of a beginning therapist’s vulnerable and tender parts. Not only are these themes worked through for the sake of personal development itself, but also because these personal changes are assumed to improve therapists’ skills, leading to more meaningful clinical work. Counselling training is a unique form of development for students, as they are not only learning their role as professionals entering into the workforce, but they are also entering a time of intense personal development (Bruss & Kopala, 1993). Folkes-Skinner et al. (2010) describes the personal nature of therapist development as a “deconstruction of the self” (p. 91), as the beginning therapist enters into a time of deep self-reflection, which is necessary in order for a THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 12 therapist’s self to emerge. From the student perspective, therapist development can be both exciting and transformative while also being incredibly intense and even scary at times (Furr & Carroll, 2003; Gignac & Gazzola, 2018). This high focus on self-development and integrating skill with personality inevitably leads to the question of how student therapists are able to be authentically themselves within such an intense, demanding environment. Challenges in Authentic Therapist Development In addition to the emphasis placed on authenticity and self-development in counselling training, there is a growing body of literature exploring the challenges that may result from the emotional demands that come with learning to be a therapist (Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010; Kannan & Levitt, 2017). Not only is counselling training associated with high levels of anxiety, doubt, and feelings of incompetency (Bischoff et al., 2002; Skovholt & Rønnestad, 1992), beginning therapists are also in an environment where there is an increasing pressure to be authentic, despite literature showing that developing an authentic therapeutic presence is a lifelong task (Greenberg & Geller, 2001, Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003). The experience of being authentic and the impact of self-development within counselling training programs are topics in their infancy in the counselling training literature. The following sections will outline some of the challenges that arise for beginning therapists as they navigate authenticity within their training program. Conditions of Worth According to Carl Rogers, conditions of worth are certain conditions that one believes must be met in order to receive value, love, or regard from others (Rogers, 1959). When an individual encounters a condition of worth, they believe that their authentic, true self is not worthy or valued, and this can result in an avoidance of self. Conditions of worth often result in THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 13 incongruence—the opposite of congruence—where the individual will act according to the conditions and values of others rather than their true, authentic values (Rogers, 1959; Worth & Proctor, 2017). Rogers theorized that being in a state of incongruence can lead to a significant amount of distress, as one is not living according to one’s true identity and sense of self (Worth & Proctor, 2017). If therapist congruence is associated with positive therapeutic change in the client, the question of what happens when training programs inadvertently create conditions of worth for beginning therapists arises. A small body of literature on the experiences of counselling students shows that they do indeed experience conditions of worth within counselling training programs. While conditions of worth have not yet been studied explicitly within the context of counselling training, these conditions have emerged as indirect themes in several studies looking at the development of the beginning therapist. Inherent in the process of counselling training are standards set by professors, universities, and accrediting bodies, as well as the evaluation and grading of students, all of which can lead to expectations and judgements of beginning therapists (Ladany et al., 1996; Swaby, 2020). Within a context where authenticity is highly valued, authenticity itself may become a condition of worth, making it more difficult for beginning therapists to be vulnerable with others and with themselves (Barnett, 2007; Eckler-Hart, 1987; Swaby, 2020). With authenticity being a requirement and an expectation, training programs may inadvertently be creating conditions of worth. The Idealized Self Karen Horney’s theory of the real self would be incomplete without discussing the ideal self, which illustrates some challenges that individuals may encounter in authentic selfdevelopment. The ideal self develops as one encounters conditions where their real self is not THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 14 accepted and as they begin to feel pressure to conform themselves into ways of being that are consistent with how they believe they should be in order to receive love and acceptance. Horney also referred to this idealized version of oneself as the impossible self, as she believed that it was impossible to attain (Horney, 1950; Paris, 1999). Striving towards the ideal self moves an individual farther away from their real self, which Horney believed would result in “false pride, harsh self-evaluations, tyrannical shoulds, and self-hate” (Gunn et al., 2015, p. 21). When an individual tries to strive for a perfect version of themselves, Horney theorized that these unrealistic goals eventually lead to feelings of worthlessness. In the context of counselling training, the contradictions between an individual’s real self and the ideal self that can develop may have implications for how beginning therapists experience authenticity. Horney (1950) proposed that a goal of therapy is to help clients surrender their ideal selves in order to get in touch with their real selves, which involves accepting themselves as they are (Paris, 1999). This same value is consistent with the emphasis placed on the authentic presence of the therapist in many training programs, as one’s real and authentic self is considered a strength in the therapeutic context. The question then arises of how a beginning therapist may experience this tension between their real self and ideal self, as previous literature has pointed towards the demanding environment that can exist within counselling training programs (Eckler-Hart, 1987; Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010; Swaby, 2020). The False Self In the previous section on a therapist’s authentic presence, Winnicott’s term true self was discussed as the spontaneous, genuine aspect of one’s being. Winnicott (1971) describes the true self as being protected by the false self, which are parts of one’s personality that emerge when the true self is threatened (Eckler-Hart, 1987). One’s false self can be thought of as a defence; THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 15 this defense hides the true self when threatened in order to protect one’s vulnerabilities. Although the false self offers this sense of protection, it can interfere with one’s ability to be authentic and result in feelings of inefficacy or emptiness (Swaby, 2020; Winnicott, 1971). In the context of counselling training, the false selves that come up for trainees are often related to their perceptions of who a therapist should be, or versions of oneself that hide vulnerabilities that one perceives as being different from who a therapist should be (Swaby, 2020). For the beginning therapist, wrestling with one’s true and false selves may result in increased stress and anxiety. Authenticity in relation to the true and false self has been looked at in two separate studies, the first being Eckler-Hart in 1987. Fifteen doctoral students in counselling psychology were interviewed in order to gain a greater understanding of their development of true and false self as they learned to practice counselling. Using phenomenological exploration of themes that surfaced during the interviews, Eckler-Hart focused on how students both described and experienced the false self during their doctoral training. Trainees reported feeling intensely vulnerable throughout their training as they tried to bring their authentic, true selves into the therapy room while simultaneously experiencing self-protecting defences (Eckler-Hart, 1987). In the struggle to find a balance between their true and false selves, trainees also identified that it was difficult to access their true selves when they did not feel a sense of security within their training environment or in themselves (Eckler-Hart, 1987). As this was the first study to look specifically at the true and false self in the context of counselling training, it provides an important starting point for investigating further how trainees balance the pressure to be authentic with the defences and conditions that prevent them from doing so. To expand on Eckler-Hart’s (1987) findings, Swaby (2020) also studied beginning psychotherapists’ experiences of the true and false self. Using interpretive phenomenological THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 16 analysis, five graduate level trainees in various UK-based counselling programs were interviewed while they were still completing their training. The title of the study— Learning to “live upside-down”— captures one of the themes that emerged throughout the study (Swaby, 2020, p. 6). Participants felt stuck between the pressure to be authentic and their false selves that had adapted to help them perform well in academic environments; they felt as if they needed to live in the in-between (or upside-down) of their true, authentic selves and who they felt they needed to be (Swaby, 2020). In addition to these themes, there was also a hesitancy around the terms true self and false self that came up for the participants. Not only was the false self seen as a necessary part of one’s identity and crucial for survival within counselling training, but participants also identified that their false selves were more often authentic to who they were in the moment than their true self (Swaby, 2020). For many of the participants, false selves and defences were part of being true. This led to confusion for the participants surrounding what it means to be true and false, and some participants struggled with how to impose both of these terms onto their complex experiences with identity and development of self within their training. While Swaby’s (2020) study provided a more in-depth look at the themes that had begun to emerge in Eckler-Hart’s (1987) work, it brings up the important question of whether true self and false self give a complete picture of the experiences of authenticity within counselling training. In some senses, it limits participants’ descriptions by offering only the terms true and false to capture their experiences and may be an oversimplification of the complex and nuanced idea that is authenticity (Swaby, 2020). Winnicott’s theory of the true and false self echoes themes of how one can be authentic, and yet this black and white categorisation may not fully capture participants’ lived experiences of authenticity. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 17 The Developing Self As findings from Eckler-Hart (1987) and Swaby (2020) indicate, beginning therapists may experience challenges being their authentic selves within the counselling training environment. Research on beginning therapist developmental stages offer perspectives on how certain stages of therapist development may impact beginning therapists’ experiences of authenticity. In the section The Development of the Therapist in this chapter, Rønnestad & Skovholt’s (2003, 2013) stages of therapist development were discussed. It was noted that students in the beginning stages of training are highly dependent on and impacted by professors and supervisors, since it is normal for students to experience anxiety and doubt in their abilities in this stage. Other research has also highlighted the beginning therapist’s need for external validation, further emphasizing the role of professors and supervisors a beginning therapist’s development (Gibson et al., 2010). Because of how the developing therapist is impacted by professionals in their training environment, it is worth exploring how these professionals impact the beginning therapist’s ability to be authentic. One professional relationship through which beginning therapists experience during development is counselling supervision. Supervisees generally report that their supervisors have an effect on their personal development, whether positively or negatively (Hutman et al., 2023). While some supervisees experience feelings of connection, understanding, and support from their supervisors, others report challenges related to their personal development. In an exploration of the experience of power differentials within counselling supervision, some beginning therapists expressed feeling the need to present inauthentic parts of themselves to their supervisor (De Stefano et al., 2017). When supervisees felt misunderstood or unsupported by their supervisors, they reported having to “put on a face” (or act inauthentically) in order to THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 18 minimize potential conflict (De Stefano et al., 2017, p. 231). Supervisees reported feeling frustrated and disappointed about hiding parts of themselves and also felt like they were not fully learning from their experiences working with clients. These experiences of supervision begin to highlight some of the challenges that could emerge in the beginning student phase of development. Challenges in authentic therapist development are beginning to be explored through research that focuses on supervisory relationships, especially during a developmental stage when beginning therapists are strongly impacted by evaluating professionals (Gibson et al., 2010, Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013). Additionally, research on power dynamics identified in supervision highlight how beginning therapists would feel the need to be inauthentic when supervisees felt that their supervisors did not provide support or guidance (De Stefano et al., 2017). However, in addition to supervision of their work with clients, beginning therapists are also interacting with professors and their peers within an achievement-oriented academic environment (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2013). The question of how beginning therapists experience authenticity within this environment and the beginning stages of therapist development remains relatively unexplored in the literature. Summary and Research Question While the focus on authenticity in counselling development has been associated with positive therapeutic outcomes, this focus also presents a unique set of challenges for the developing therapist. Eckler-Hart (1987) and Swaby (2020) have already illuminated some of these difficulties through the lens of Winnicott’s true and false self. However, the language that Winnicott uses to describe true and false self can impact one’s perception of authenticity, and further research is needed to capture this complex and nuanced topic. Both of these studies have THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 19 also included participants that are still in training; Swaby (2020) identified that the topic of authenticity might be better understood with hindsight. Literature on the development of beginning therapists has historically focused on how the development of self occurs (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013). Research in this area has provided an important foundation for understanding how the professional and personal components of counselling training affect the development of the beginning therapists. However, the experience of therapists as they develop authentically within the context of these stages is still unknown. The question that guides the present case study is: what are the voices of authenticity in beginning therapists? This case study intends to look at a specific group of therapists that have graduated from Trinity Western University’s graduate program in counselling psychology, which is a program that emphasizes the personal development of beginning therapists. This study moves beyond the current literature that has primarily focused on the process of authentic development and explores the impact and experience of authenticity throughout counselling training. In the context of the beginning and novice student stages of therapist development (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013), this study will pay attention to how authenticity is experienced within these unique developmental stages. With the use of the term voice, the aim of this project was to explore all parts and aspects of the participants’ authentic selves that may show up throughout the research process. This project also utilizes the listening guide, a relational methodology, which places a greater emphasis on how one experiences authenticity in relation to others as they develop as a therapist. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 20 CHAPTER 3: METHODOLOGY The following section will begin with a statement of the present case study’s scope and objectives, provided in the delimitations section. This chapter will then give an outline of the chosen research paradigm, which influences the present study’s design and methodology. I then position myself in the research and describe how my experiences and values guided me towards my research question, design, and method. A description of the participants will then be discussed, along with data collection and analysis procedures. This section will conclude with a discussion on rigour and quality from a constructivist lens. Delimitations The present case study seeks to answer the question of, what are the voices of authenticity in beginning therapists? The focus of this case study is delimited to Trinity Western University’s graduate counselling training program located in B.C., Canada. Participants will also be delimited to a specific timeframe, as between 1-5 years will have had to have passed since their graduation in order to participate in the study. This case study takes a qualitative approach and views the research process through a constructivist lens, which will be described in the following section. It is important to note that the goal of qualitative, constructivist research is not generalizability. I assume that my research will not be able to capture every aspect of every single beginning therapist; even if participants were recruited from different programs, this assumption would still not be the case. Instead, the goal of the present case study is to capture as much of the experience of authenticity as possible within the boundaries of this specific project. Further rationale for these delimitations will be provided in the subsequent sections of this chapter, as the methodological assumptions and scope of the study is further clarified. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 21 Research Paradigm Inherent within the research process are beliefs and philosophical assumptions about the nature of reality and knowledge (Cresswell, 2013). These beliefs not only influence the questions that are being asked, but also the methodologies that are chosen and the ethical standards that the research is held to. When looking at a concept as deeply personal as authenticity, studying it from a paradigm that welcomes subjectivity is appropriate. The present study is informed by a constructivist paradigm which views knowledge as co-constructed and assumes that there are “multiple, equally valid social realities” (Haverkamp & Young, 2007, p. 268). According to this paradigm, each person has their own unique and valid interpretation of the world, and that perception of the world is within the individual, rather than outside of them (Ponterotto, 2005). With this in mind, a single, knowable reality is impossible due to the inherently subjective nature of life experiences, and rejects the postpositivist assumption that objective, certain knowledge is possible in the scientific knowledge of human beings. Constructivists believe that individuals are inseparable from the contexts that they are in, as their contexts shape their perception of reality; therefore, understanding of reality is shaped through the interactions that an individual has within relationships and in their own environment. Given the constructivist assumptions, research within this paradigm moves away from discovering objective truth and towards recognizing the diversity of experiences that exist in humanity and learning from one another. Because research and values are believed to be inseparable from one another, the goal of research is to understand the complexity and diversity of people’s experiences (Cresswell, 2013). The researcher’s role is thought to be a relational one; the researcher and the participant influence each other throughout the research process with the attempt to understand the participant’s context at the heart of this interaction (Mertens, 2015). THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 22 Relationship is a way of coming to know the other (Gilligan & Eddy, 2021), whether that be the participant or hidden aspects of oneself as the researcher. Because of the strong emphasis on relationship and context guided by a constructivist paradigm, the research focuses on genuine openness and curiosity, aiming to capture nuance and complexity. At the heart of the present study is authentic human experience: how an individual experiences their authentic self in a particular context. As Slife (2004) addresses in his discussion on relational ontology, one’s identity and sense of self is partially inseparable from those with whom they are in relationship: “I am who I am, in part, because of who you are” (p. 166). With these words, Slife captures the relationality of constructivist research and its relevance when researching an individual’s experience with authenticity. Constructivist research involves paying attention to an individual’s experience, recognizing that it is uniquely one’s own, and viewing this experience as a legitimate way of knowing more about the world. In order to capture the relationality and nuance that will be present in this study that looks at authentic experiences of individuals, a relational methodology that highlights the differences and complexities of human experience is needed. Qualitative Research For this study, which is primarily concerned with constructing meaning and knowledge, a qualitative design is necessary to identify and describe the uniqueness of each individual’s experiences. The purpose of qualitative research is to achieve depth of understanding, as opposed to the quantitative purpose generally aimed at achieving breadth of information, and this is typically achieved through semi-structured or unstructured interviews (Willig, 2012). This depth of understanding is related to the lived experiences of participants, which involves a deep understanding of the sociohistorical context they find themselves in (Haverkamp & Young, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 23 2007). Qualitative designs are also particularly well suited to research consistent with a constructivist paradigm due to the role of the researcher-participant relationship in the construction of knowledge. Therefore, the researcher’s own values and context are not viewed as a disadvantage to the research process but are instead considered a valuable part of each study (Cresswell, 2013; Slife, 2008). The richness of understanding that can be achieved through qualitative research makes room for the encounters that happen between the researcher and participants as they dialogue and co-create meaning and knowledge together. By choosing a qualitative research design, the present study acknowledges that each participant of the study will have a unique, subjective experience with their own experiences of authenticity. In addition, qualitative research takes into consideration the unique role that the researcher will play in working alongside the participants within the researcher–participant relationship, beginning with an explicit statement of the researcher’s guiding values and beliefs related to the present study. Researcher’s Position Guided by constructivist paradigmatic assumptions, I believe my own research is consequently shaped by my values, beliefs, and experiences. The present study is influenced heavily by a feminist, voice-centered methodology outlined in the next section, which views research as a relational encounter between researcher and participant (Gilligan & Eddy, 2021). Because of the relational nature of this research, it is important to state how my experiences have informed the research question. My own journey with authenticity within my counselling training program continues to be one of both struggle and growth. I noticed very early on in my training that the ability for me to be authentic was dependent upon how I felt when I was with other people— in the absence of THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 24 a relationship where I felt understood, it was difficult to be continually put in situations where I was asked to self-disclose information for the purpose of self-awareness. At the same time, I felt conflicted, as I was aware that part of being a therapist involved a level of personal development; there were moments where I could see my own growth as I gradually became more comfortable showing up as myself. Throughout this process of shifting between feeling like I needed to be authentic and falling back into the defences and facades that I had put up to protect my own vulnerabilities, I found that I was being confronted with something I had avoided my entire life: myself. While I now view this realization as an integral part of my personal development as a therapist, it did not make the process of coming face to face with my own vulnerabilities any less terrifying. This tension between recognizing the value of being authentic during my training and feeling the need to protect my own vulnerabilities led me to a research question involving experiences of authenticity during early graduate training in counselling psychology. I knew from reading the literature and learning about therapist development that an authentic presence was a sign of maturity and growth in experienced therapists; however, I remained curious about how this perceived pressure to be authentic was experienced early on in therapists who were just beginning their training. My desire to know more about the diversity of experiences related to authenticity led me to the listening guide methodology. Research Methodology: The Listening Guide Questions about one’s sense of self and ability to be authentic are best answered through a methodology that was designed to understand lived experiences. The listening guide was developed as a “qualitative, relational, voice-centered, feminist methodology” that pays particular attention to the psychological complexities that exist in each individual (Woodcock, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 25 2016, p. 2). This attention to detail and the emphasis placed on relationality is what sets it apart from other methods of analysis. By using the listening guide, researchers come to understand the inner worlds of participants’ lived experiences through an immersion in the data in order to pay attention to surprising and often unexpected aspects of what might emerge from listening (Gilligan & Eddy, 2021). The listening guide is also consistent with a constructivist paradigm, as the structure of listening and emphasis on the first-person “I” voice imply that the participant is the one who is constructing the narrative of their experience (Gilligan & Eddy, 2021). Similar to relational authenticity, the listening guide methodology also has connections with assumptions found in relational-cultural theory (RCT). The core assumption of RCT is that an individual’s sense of self develops in the context of relationships (Jordan, 2018). Experiences of disconnection and power imbalances in relationship can lead to disconnection in one’s sense of self, leading to experiences of uncertainty in who they are as a person (Lenz, 2014). On the other hand, when an individual feels safe and understood in relationship, they are able to feel empowered to be their authentic self. The listening guide also recognizes the relationality of existence, as these narratives are also co-constructed because of how one’s sense of self is inseparable from relationships with others (Gilligan et al., 2003). The acknowledgement of an individual’s identity as both uniquely theirs and as a product of relationship makes room for complexity and nuance within the research process. This relational sense of self captured in both relational–cultural theory and the listening guide methodology is referred to by feminist scholars as voice. An individual’s voice is one of the central themes of the listening guide process, and consequently will play a role in the present study. Gilligan and Eddy (2021) describe voice in the listening guide methodology not as a theme, but as a person’s embodied sense of self. As researchers listen to the transcripts of their THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 26 participants, they pay attention to different aspects of their voices: they hear what it sounds like; they write it down and see what it looks like on paper; they notice if it pauses, or if the tone changes; they notice what it says and what it does not say. By doing this, they are attempting to notice the unique characteristics that can only exist in the participant’s voice in order to gain a deeper understanding of their experience. An individual’s voice is also an innate part of their being. Gilligan and Eddy (2021) state that we are “born with a voice, we have the ability to communicate our experience, giving voice to what we think and feel and know” (p. 145). This phrasing communicates how voice goes beyond the physical; it also captures an individual’s identity and sense of self in an authentic way. Finally, voice is a unique way of approaching research as it “breaks binaries” in the sense that an individual’s voice does not “preclude or rule out another” (Gilligan & Eddy, 2021, p. 146). One of the reasons the listening guide was chosen for the present study was because of how it allows for multiple voices to exist simultaneously alongside each other. It is anticipated that participants will have varying experiences of authenticity and their experience of training will be quite different from one another. The listening guide methodology will make space for each participant’s story to be heard, allowing for multiple voices and experiences to exist at once. The opportunity to be one’s authentic self is a multifaceted process. Beginning therapists are not only tasked with learning a new profession because they are also entering into a time of intense personal development. Given the pressure put on therapists to be their authentic selves, both in the classroom and in the therapy room, a methodology that is able to pay attention to beginning therapists’ sense of self and lived experience during graduate training is needed. Since authenticity is also an intrinsically relational concept, a relational understanding of how participants are experiencing the freedom to be (or not to be) themselves is a key part in THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 27 obtaining an in-depth understanding of their experiences of authenticity. By looking closely at a participant’s voice within a relational framework, the listening guide provides structure for studying the complex nature of how one is able to experience authenticity. Data Collection Participant Description The focus of the present case study is on beginning therapists that have recently graduated from Trinity Western University’s (TWU) Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology program, and demographics are presented in Table 1 below. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 28 Table 1 Participant Demographics Chosen pseudonym Age Self-identified gender Self-identified ethnicity Year of graduation Mara 31 Female Caucasian 2021 Alethea 38 Female Caucasian 2020 Darren 28 Male Caucasian 2020 Kiara 26 Woman White 2021 Voluble Ghost 51 Female White 2020 Summer 38 Female White 2023 (finished coursework and clinical hours in 2021) Tokoloshi 50 Female Caucasian 2021 Arlene 37 Female Caucasian 2019 Lulu 31 Female Ugandan (born and raised in Canada) 2021 Mary Aldous 62 Female Caucasian 2021 There are a few reasons why this program was chosen for the case study, one being accessibility of potential participants. As I am also a student in TWU’s counselling program, I was able to connect with alumni that may be interested in participating in this project. Another reason for focusing specifically on TWU’s training program is the emphasis on personal development that is placed on the student therapists. In addition to learning professional skills, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 29 students are asked frequently to reflect on how their personal contexts have contributed to who they are as an individual. In the literature, the more personal elements of training often lead to the questioning and struggle with one’s own identity and sense of self (Bruss & Kopala, 1993; Furr & Carroll, 2003; Gignac & Gazzola, 2018). The intention of the present study was to study authenticity in the context of the beginning stages of therapist development, which often involve a strong personal component. Because TWU’s program includes this component in their training, it was the program selected for the case study. Participant Recruitment The ten participants for this study were selected using a purposeful and snowball sampling strategy via invitation emails (see Appendix A), where they were invited to select themselves for the study based on their connection to the research topic. Emails were initially sent to TWU’s counselling psychology alumni email list, and participants were invited to share the email with anyone that may be a good fit for the study. Purposeful sampling highlights the importance of selecting information-rich cases that are of central importance to the research question (Patton, 2002). Rather than trying to find as many participants as possible for the purpose of generalization, purposeful sampling strategies highlight the value of gaining insight from a small, select group of participants. In the context of the present case study, purposeful sampling was used by allowing the participants to select themselves for the study based on their own connection to the research topic. Snowball sampling refers to when the researcher recruits potential participants through information given by other potential participants (Noy, 2008). This results in a ‘snowball effect’ where potential participants are able to spread information about the research through word of mouth, allowing for more participants to be accessed based on interest in the research question. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 30 What made this strategy particularly relevant for the present study is its dynamic, relational aspect. Rather than only myself seeking out potential participants, individuals were asked to pass along information about the study to those that they believe may be interested. To determine how many participants were invited to participate, comparable studies utilizing similar methodologies were reviewed, where it was determined that 8-10 participants would likely be sufficient to address the chosen research topic. After the ten interviews were conducted, I reflected on whether a diverse range of experiences were represented, if there were themes or patterns emerging from the data, and if a sufficient amount of data was collected to represent these experiences and patterns. It was concluded that the 10 interviews provided enough information to proceed with data analysis. Inclusion and Exclusion Criteria To participate in the present study, individuals needed to have graduated from TWU’s MA Counselling Psychology program within the last five years (or, have a graduation date between 2018 and 2022). According to Swaby (2020), a complex and multifaceted issue such as authenticity in counselling training programs may be best considered with a degree of hindsight. Choosing to interview beginning therapists after they had graduated and allowing them to reflect on their training experiences gave a different perspective on authenticity in graduate training, as most of the research done on this population has been with therapists who were still completing their training (Eckler-Hart, 1987; Folkes-Skinner, 2010; Swaby 2020; Yang et al. 2022). However, prospective participants were excluded from the study if they had graduated over five years ago, as the goal of the study was to look at experiences specific to their recent training environment. If too much time had passed between graduation and the time of the interview, the goal of studying authenticity in the training environment may have become less clear and well- THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 31 defined. Only including recent graduates of the program allowed for an element of hindsight while also being able to emphasize the experiences of authenticity within the participants’ training program. Limiting participants to only those who have graduated within the last five years is also consistent with Rønnestad & Skovholt’s (2003, 2013) description of the novice professional, previously discussed under the section The Development of the Therapist in Chapter 2. This phase represents the first five years after graduation and is characterized by a reflection on training experiences and continued self-exploration. Because the purpose of this study is to explore authenticity within the context of one’s training program, choosing to interview participants during this phase is especially appropriate. It should be noted that one participant, Summer, was selected for the study despite having a graduation date of 2023. Although this may have excluded her from participation, Summer found herself in a unique situation where her graduation was delayed due to personal and administrative reasons. As the researcher, I determined that she would be able to still meaningfully speak to the research question, as she had completed all coursework and clinical work in 2021; therefore, she was invited to participate in the study. Participants were also asked to self-identify with a connection to the research topic in the area of authenticity after being given a brief description of the intention behind the study (see Appendix A). This was done not only to clarify the intentions of the study, but also as an acknowledgement that the participant is ultimately the expert of their own experience (consistent with a constructivist paradigm). Participating in research is a vulnerable act in and of itself and given that a large focus of the study is on participants’ authenticity, allowing them to decide THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 32 which aspects of themselves they would like to share is part of honouring their unique experiences. Collecting the Data After participants had agreed to take part in the study, they were sent a consent letter (see Appendix B) and a demographics form (see Appendix C) via email. One semi-structured interview was conducted with each participant, using guiding questions from the interview guide (see Appendix D). The interviews ranged from 45 minutes to 2 hours in length, depending on how much participants wanted to share. Participants were interviewed online via Zoom, an encrypted and secure video conferencing platform. The interviews were audio and video recorded and stored on an encrypted drive, and pseudonyms chosen by the participants were used to label the stored recordings. To thank participants for their participation, they were offered a $20 gift card to a local coffee shop of their choice. Data Analysis Data was analyzed through the listening guide methodology steps, outlined below, once the data had been transcribed verbatim. As the listening guide research process is relational, the data analysis process is no different in that the analysis of the transcripts also happened in relationship. A research team comprised of 7 current students from TWU’s MA in Counselling Psychology program that received training in the listening guide methodology assisted in data analysis. To make sure that the analysis captures the participants’ lived experiences, member checks were conducted after analysis was complete (see Appendix E). The intention of these interviews was to present the main themes that emerged in the study, provide the participant with an excerpt of their I-poem, and give the participant the opportunity to share any initial impressions or reactions to the analysis. Of the 10 participants, 8 responded to the follow-up THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 33 request for a member check; the remaining 2 participants were sent an email with preliminary findings and the option to reach out if they had any questions or concerns. Listening Guide Steps The process of listening for different voices of the participants occurs through a series of four listenings, allowing the researcher to immerse themselves in the data and the participants’ experiences. The first listening consists of two parts: listening for the plot and the researcher’s response to the participant’s story (Gilligan et al., 2003). In this first listening, the researcher is paying close attention to the who, what, where, when, and why of the story. The researcher also attempts to identify larger social and historical contexts that are informing the participant’s narrative, as well as any recurring themes that are coming up. The researcher’s response is also considered during this listening and initial impressions of what is being said as well as any values that could be influencing the researcher’s response are recorded. The second listening involves the creation of I-poems, which highlight the use of the first-person pronoun throughout the participant’s narrative. This is done in order to capture what the participant thinks and feels about themselves through noticing how they speak about themselves (Gilligan et al., 2003). Constructing an I-poem involves going through the transcript and underlining every instance where a first-person pronoun and a verb are spoken (for example, I ran, I saw, I didn’t). The phrases are then lined up with each I-statement starting a new row, creating a poetic stanza. The I-statements are kept in the same order that they are spoken during the story and a stanza breaks when there is a shift in the direction or continuity of what the Istatements represent (Woodcock, 2016). The use of I-poems is a critical step in the listening guide process because of how it allows the researcher to understand what the participant knows THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 34 about themselves, making it well suited for studies looking at aspects of an individual’s sense of self. The third step in the listening guide analysis process is listening for contrapuntal voices, which is where the researcher reads through the transcript multiple times to listen for different voices in the story that speak to various aspects of the research question. This step also highlights how these voices interact with each other, which emphasizes the different layers of a person’s experience (Gilligan et al., 2003). While the second listening is inspired by poetic structure, the third listening is inspired by the musical term counterpoint, which refers to a way that multiple melodic lines can be combined in a certain kind of musical composition. In the same way that some music has different melodies, each with their own shape, rhythm, and movement (Gilligan et al., 2003), each voice in the participant’s narrative contains different aspects of their experience. In this step the researcher also pays attention to what is not said, and which voices may have been shut down or silenced. The fourth and final step involves identifying themes that have emerged through all of the participants once the transcript has been listened through at least four times. This final step brings together all the notes and summaries that have been made about each participant and presents them in a narrative form that captures what has been learned about the participant that is related to the central research question (Gilligan et al., 2003). The researcher asks themselves about what they now know concerning the research question and how they came to know it through the encounters that they had with the participant’s stories. The final step allows for the researcher to look closely at how the voices and themes across participants “melodiously interact” and/or are in tension with one another (Woodcock, 2016, p. 8), helping researchers gain a better understanding of complex and often multi-layered concepts. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 35 Rigour and Quality While traditional research has often been held to standards of impersonal objectivity and generalizability, constructivist research is held to standards that center the relationship between the researcher and participant. The extent to which a study is deemed as trustworthy shifts towards understanding how a researcher is able to hold their own values, beliefs, and experiences alongside those of their participants, acknowledging and valuing the different constructions of reality (Ponterotto, 2005). Consistent with rigour and quality that pertain to constructivist research, the present case study will view authenticity and trustworthiness as ethical standards, and acknowledges reflexivity as an ethical practice. Authenticity and Trustworthiness The concept of authenticity is not only the focus of the present study; authenticity is also a criterion against which the quality of the study is compared. Guba and Lincoln (1989) describe authenticity in constructivist research as the recognition that all knowledge is rooted in values and context which cannot be separated from research actions. Therefore, knowledge generated by research is “subjected to political and ideological forces” (Johnson & Rasulova, 2017, p. 264). Because of this, qualitative research from a constructivist lens is considered to be trustworthy if it authentically captures a participant’s experiences. A significant part of maintaining authenticity is fairness, referring to the ability of the study to honor and accurately represent each participant’s construction of reality (Morrow, 2005). The present study sought to maintain fairness by conducting in-depth interviews with guiding questions in order to gain a rich and deep understanding of each participant’s experience. The present study also followed a semi-structured interview protocol (as opposed to a structured interview), which left some flexibility for the participants to communicate what they believe is THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 36 relevant to the study, even if there was not a specific question that was able to capture their experience. The chosen methodology also presented a way for the researcher to immerse themselves in the participant’s narrative through at least four readings of each transcript, which further contributed to the study’s rigour. Member checks were also conducted after analysis was complete in order to make sure that participants felt that their voice has been accurately captured in the study. The 8 participants that participated in member checks all expressed a degree of resonance with the preliminary themes, as well as with their personal narratives that were read back to them. Ontological authenticity is also outlined as a criterion for trustworthiness, referring to the degree that participants’ experience is matured and expanded upon throughout the research process in relationship with the researcher (Morrow, 2005). This was done through building rapport with the research participants. As the principal researcher and also as a counselling student myself, I had the opportunity to use my clinical training to help build trust with participants (Haverkamp, 2005). A semi-structured interview was also chosen over a more structured interview to make room for the researcher to ask questions that are sensitive to the participants’ unique experiences, which not only allowed for a more in-depth understanding, but also gave an opportunity for the researcher to facilitate an opportunity for growth and learning based on the answers that were given. The member checks that were conducted after the completion of analysis also contributed further to the study’s ontological authenticity by giving the participants a chance to reflect on their own personal narratives. Member checks also provided debriefing questions to assist participants in reflection on if (and how) the research experience has affected them. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 37 Reflexivity Reflexivity can be defined as “self-awareness and agency within that self-awareness” (Rennie, 2004, p. 183). Because the researcher’s values are acknowledged in the context of constructivist research, reflexivity is a process that helps the researcher understand how their views, beliefs, and experiences inevitably affect the research process (Morrow, 2005). A central part of the present study involves practicing reflexivity during every stage of the research process to make sure that I am amplifying the voices of my participants rather than my own. In addition to recognizing what my own position is, I made a conscious effort to notice how my own position was interacting with those of the participants and critically examining the differences between my experiences and theirs. I recognize that I am in a position of power over the participants, as I am asking them to disclose personal information about experiences in a program that I am analyzing. To a certain extent, I will be similar to my participants in that I am also a student who has experienced what it is like to begin training as a therapist and grow and change in relation to my own sense of self. While it may be helpful for me to interview them as a fellow student that is able to grasp aspects of their experience, I recognize that my position had the potential to hinder the process of accurately capturing each person’s lived experience. To maintain rigour through the process of reflexivity, a pilot interview was completed where a colleague asked me the questions on my interview guide. Not only did this help me gain a better understanding of what I was asking each participant, the answers I gave also informed my own perspectives, and helped me differentiate between my own understanding of authenticity and the understanding of my participants. I also kept a personal research journal throughout the course of the research process to reflect on what is coming up for me personally as I encountered the participants. While I have chosen to keep the specific entries of the journal private, my goal THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 38 with the journal entries was to explore my initial reactions, perceptions, and beliefs that came to the surface as I interviewed participants. My goal as a researcher was to remain open to new information and experiences as they came up, and exploring this through journaling helped me acknowledge the many diverse expressions of the authentic self. The chosen methodology for the study also requires transcripts to be analyzed in pairs, consistent with the relational nature of the listening guide. Each transcript was read through and analyzed with an additional person from the research team, who helped identify voices and construct the participant’s written narrative. After each transcript was analyzed, I was in conversation with my research supervisor, second reader, and members of the research team as I grouped the identified voices into categories. I found the collaboration of the research process to be enormously beneficial in including diverse perspectives, which made the analysis so much richer, fuller, deeper than if I had been on my own. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 39 CHAPTER 4: RESULTS Through the 10 interviews, participants were invited to share their perception of authenticity and what it was like to experience it during their training program. The results of the listening guide analysis revealed several voices which were then placed into groups, presented in Table 2. This chapter will first give a brief introduction to each participant in order to give the reader some context, as well as to highlight some unique voices and experiences from each participant. It will then describe in-depth the five categories of voices that emerged: the voices of ambiguity, vulnerability, invalidation, connection, and anchoring. It will conclude with an integrative summary of how all five categories interacted with each other throughout the participants’ narratives. Table 2 Voice Groups Voices of ambiguity Voices of vulnerability Voices of invalidation Voices of connection Voices of anchoring Uncertainty Vulnerability Misfitting Connection Desire to help Wrestling Fear Aloneness Acceptance Responsibility Pressure Courage Protection Agency Internal knowing Openness Discomfort Yearning Congruence Frustration Curiosity Disappointment Trust Awareness Participant Narratives The narratives presented in this section are summaries of each participant’s interview, consistent with the first step of the listening guide. These narratives will also integrate components of the fourth step of the listening guide, which is where themes from the broader THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 40 analysis are applied to each individual transcript. Each participant’s experience with authenticity in their training program was unique, as each one brings different life experiences, motivations, beliefs, and perspectives into their training. However, the common themes that emerged throughout the narratives offer points of connection throughout participant’s stories. These narratives highlight both the unique individuality and shared, relational experience of authenticity. Mara Mara found that she was naturally drawn to psychology during her undergraduate degree, where she found a passion and curiosity for the subject. After gaining some work experience at a youth centre for mental health, she found that she loved connecting with others and decided to pursue a degree in counselling psychology. When reflecting on what authenticity means to her, Mara says that the counselling training program that she went through helped her find herself. She indicated she was aware of not being herself, and as she moved through her life, found herself seeking after what authenticity meant for her. During her time in counselling training, she wrestled with the idea of what a therapist should be and who she felt she was. This was especially heightened by some of the examples of therapists that Mara was shown during training, and pressure to fit in the box of the typical feminine counsellor: I had this image in my mind that that was what I was supposed to be. And I needed it to show up in this very, like, gentle, authentic, gentle, like— um, compassionate kind of presence all the time… but I— there were parts of me that didn't fit with that. And there were parts of me that I was like, I can't be this, if I'm also going to be that, so I need to get rid of this part of me. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 41 Mara eventually came to the realization that accepting and welcoming all parts of herself, even when they did not necessarily fit within the boxes that were shown, helped her step into her authentic self both personally and professionally. This realization came through multiple encounters throughout the program, particularly with her practicum supervisor. Mara recalls a time where her supervisor helped her connect with her own emotions, which she believes helped her connect with and help her client. A willingness and desire to connect with herself, as she is, drives her to help her clients to do the same. There were also moments throughout Mara’s training where she found it more difficult to be authentic. Mara described experiences in her internship where there were more rigid and structured expectations from her, and she found it difficult to be herself and connect with clients when she felt that her authentic presence did not fit within the boundaries that were given to her. Through these experiences, Mara learned through her training that being authentic with her clients, and with those around her, also means acknowledging her limitations and boundaries, without ignoring the parts of herself that are trying to communicate her needs with others. Mara also discusses how an important part of authenticity as a therapist, especially during her training, was not feeling like she was alone. She believes that being in a team environment, especially during her practicum training, allowed her to connect with her own experiences in the context of relationship with other people. Throughout her training, she saw her therapeutic parts develop deeply and was able to begin to integrate her professional knowledge with her personal self. She feels that training has helped her accept all parts of herself, even the parts that are more painful, with kindness and care. Mara’s training also guided her towards the recognition that her therapist self is not her whole self, and is just a part of her: Congruence, to Mara, also means knowing when to take the THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 42 therapist hat off and stepping into her identity as a whole person. She found that it was helpful to have a wide variety of examples of what a therapist could look like, and spoke to the importance of acknowledging expectations and power dynamics that are inherently present in counselling training programs. In Mara’s narrative, the voices of pressure, connection, and acceptance interacted with each other, illustrated by an excerpt from her I-Poem: I got stuck I need to be I'm going to be Who I am I need to I need to I go into I need to I want to A large part of Mara’s own journey with authenticity was spoken through this voice of acceptance, which would often go back and forth with the voice of pressure. For Mara, the voice of pressure seemed to come from an internal uncertainty of her own capabilities as a therapist. When Mara spoke of her connections and relationship with her clinical supervisor, who was able to attune to her internal experiences, she spoke with the voice of acceptance. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 43 Alethea Alethea found that she was drawn to the profession of counselling due to a combination of her work experience and an awareness of her own strengths. She felt that it was a natural step in her career after working around 20 years in the non-profit sector. The first time she thought about what authenticity meant to her was near the beginning of the program, where she remembers being taught about how attachment and connection with others is built on acceptance of one’s authentic self. Alethea describes authenticity as being able to be present with others without the need to hide different parts of yourself. While she does not think that having to hide parts of oneself is bad and is sometimes necessary, she finds that when she is with others that she trusts, she is able to feel more freedom around expressing who she is. She also acknowledges her introverted nature and speaks to how she is able to be authentic with herself quite easily, and speaks to how part of being authentic to her is having self-acceptance. Part of Alethea’s difficulty came from feeling very different than others because she was not as soft or emotion-focused as some of the other people in her program. She would often get feedback from supervisors that she should be herself, but needed to be a “softer version” of herself. There were also times that she felt she was being vulnerable and communicating what she needed in the moment, but was told she was not being vulnerable enough, which resulted her having to hide parts of herself in order to protect them: I think that probably my authentic self had a really hard time. Um, and I think too because… (sigh) it's like, they wanted you to bring your authentic self into, into the experience, into the papers. But then you're also uncovering these kind of deep wounds. And I didn't have the time and space I needed to, to really sit with those things at the time. And so I think it became a really jarring experience for me, because I'm like, well, you get THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 44 to pick then. I either have to finish this assignment, or I have to figure out who I am as a person, but I can't do both. In these moments, Alethea spoke with the voices of uncertainty and protection, stemming from the internal tension that she felt building inside her. Throughout the program, Alethea experienced the tension of being told to be vulnerable while feeling unsafe to do so. She also felt the contradiction between what she was being taught to do with clients to create safety and what was happening to her within the program. This experience was heard through the voices of misfitting and protection, both of which she expresses in an excerpt from her I-Poem: I was trying I didn’t feel safe I didn’t feel heard I think I then feel I need to guard I also need to advocate I don’t know how I don’t know Near the end of her interview, Alethea explained how developing self-reflection skills and learning how to be honest with oneself is something that is important during counselling training. However, throughout her interview she questioned whether being evaluated for one’s vulnerability was a helpful or safe way to learn. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 45 Darren Darren experiences authenticity as how much of himself shows up when he interacts with other people, not just when he is on his own. Throughout his story, he points out the tension that often exists for him between authenticity and dignity. He acknowledges that both of them can be very good and necessary, as there are times where he may want to be authentic, but disclosing in that moment may be undignified. In describing this, Darren also speaks to the risk that is often inherent in the experience of authenticity, especially as a therapist. He notes that being authentic with a client often risks the structure of therapy, but when used well, can be a powerful tool for connection with clients, calling it “authenticity for the other.” Darren recalls a couple different experiences throughout his training where he noticed authenticity coming up, particularly around the topic of ethics. He remembers feeling a lot of frustration in his ethics class, as specific dilemmas would come up where he would have to choose between being a therapist and showing up as a human being that is allowed to make mistakes and be authentic. He also comments on how there were a few times, especially during group therapy, where there seemed to be a culture of safety built on fear of hurting others, rather than a genuine safety that allows for conflict and differences to show up, which, therefore, makes room for authenticity. Darren also spoke to different experiences in internship where he felt there was a lot of pressure to be a certain way, which put him in situations where he couldn’t be himself. Similar to how he felt in his classes, this was typically connected to a fear-based safety being a barrier to him being authentic. Internship was also a time where Darren felt a strong need to be liked by his clients, resulting in an intense focus in competence that was spoken with the voices of pressure and shame: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 46 I think so much of my development as a therapist, and how I was showing up clinically, was really focused on being knowledgeable and competent. And, yeah, again, there being this really big fear of like, oh, my gosh, the client is seeing it, they're paying money, like, is it worth it? Is my competence enough? Am I valuable, and like, really feeling I have to prove myself in some sense, and justify that this was a good choice, and I'm not going to hurt this person either. Throughout his training, he learned to identify this pressure that he felt to make sure that they were okay and turn towards uncertainty, which involves getting curious about what’s going on for the client and being open to the present moment. Internship seminar, a place to meet with fellow students and supervisors to share videos of counselling clients, was also a place where Darren experienced pressure to be a certain version of a therapist. He said that bringing a case to the seminar often felt like a competition of “who’s the better therapist,” which made it difficult to engage in and learn from each other, especially when these expectations and the pressure that existed was not being made explicit. Throughout Darren’s story, he speaks to the importance of leaning into the risk that authenticity requires, which is when he spoke from the voice of vulnerability; being himself often risked getting the outcome of wanting to be a good therapist and impressing his clients. He speaks to how this has involved many different elements, including willingness and openness to both the client’s experience and his own experience, as well. He talks about how authenticity gave him permission throughout his training to personally engage with what was happening, whether it be in practicum, learning about theories, or interacting with colleagues. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 47 Arlene Arlene views counselling as something that has, in some ways, always been part of her identity. She describes a natural tendency to support people through what they are journeying through at the time and found herself in the field of psychology, which eventually led to a degree in counselling. Arlene views authenticity as something that is very important to her, and also recognizes that it does not always have a nice, tidy definition. She believes that it is a connection to the core of one’s self, which is something that is accessed rather than created. This definition connects to a lot of work that she is currently doing as a supervisor of student therapists, as she observes how there is often a tendency to assume a certain role or figure out a “right” way to do therapy. She expresses a desire to connect with her students while helping them connect to their core selves and find who they are as therapists. Throughout her training, Arlene experienced growth in her understanding of what authenticity meant and how that connected to being a beginning therapist. In the beginning stages of her training, she believed that there was a right and wrong way to do therapy and believed that there were times where she wasn’t performing the appropriate “role of the counsellor.” Through experiences with supervisors and self-reflection, she realized over time that being herself in session was a way to stay present with her clients and connect with them. However, Arlene also pointed out that a lot of the growth and ability to be connected with her authentic self happened after she graduated from the program; she expressed that because of the demands of courses, internship, and her thesis, it was difficult to find the time and space to find her identity as a counsellor. Despite this observation, she noted that she was surprised at the amount of personal work that was present in the program. Arlene expressed through a voice of curiosity and openness that humans are never done doing the work: We are never done changing, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 48 growing, and learning as we encounter other people and form new connections with others. As Arlene spoke with the voice of openness alongside the voice of connection, drawing attention to the use of the word we. An alternative to an I-Poem, a We-Poem, was constructed to illustrate these voices: We’re never done doing We’re never done getting We’re never done changing Life offers us We take We will be changed This poem speaks to Arlene’s interpretation of authenticity as an invitation to be one’s self. Part of her experience of authenticity was leaning towards this aspect of growth, and also realizing that personal and professional growth are not two separate ideas. She described that over the course of the program, her personal growth and her professional growth became intertwined to the point where they were inseparable; personal growth impacted how she approached her work. Voluble Ghost Voluble Ghost was drawn to counselling through elements of her own personal experience; there were parts of her that wanted to fix herself and find herself. She spoke to an understanding of authenticity that reflects the amount of space that she takes up in the world— how much space she is allowed to take up, and whether or not she feels that she is able to find the courage to allow all of herself to be present. Sometimes there are circumstances, events, or different times of life, typically due to misattunement or lack of care from adults, where Voluble THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 49 Ghost would feel small and not feel safe to fill up all of her space. Throughout her life, she hopes to invite others to fill up all of their space as well and spoke to how connection can happen as everyone’s spaces interact. When Voluble Ghost spoke about the program, voices of protection and connection interacted with each other. She described approaching authenticity with guardedness during her training; she said that she would choose bits and pieces of herself that she deemed as more presentable or more acceptable to the groups of people that she encountered. She spoke with a sense of sadness about the tension that she felt between the expectation and desire to be authentic and vulnerable with others, while also maintaining a level of professionalism and respect from others. The moments where she felt that she could be authentic, however— especially with her clients— were moments of connection and joy. She spoke to feeling free to be who she was when she had supervisors that were safe spaces for her, where she was able to take more risks without fearing the shame that would come if a mistake was made. The following two excerpts from Voluble Ghost’s I-Poem illustrate her shift from the voices of agency, when talking about her clients, to the voice of protection, when talking about being authentic in her classes: I got to try I had I tried I can’t believe I found I’m amazing I think I do bring THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 50 I love my clients I was much more guarded I said I was I heard I look back Voluble Ghost also spoke to elements of her training where she felt what was being taught did not align with her in an ethical or moral way. She expressed that there were times that she had to act enthusiastic about what was being taught in order to “tick a box” or get a grade, when she actually wanted to push back or practice in a way that was more congruent with her own values and experiences. She found these experiences to be ambiguous and frustrating, as she was not sure if it was safe or welcome to show up as herself. When asked about what she wished would have been present in her training, she spoke to an acknowledgement of some of the barriers and walls that she felt were put up in her training and clearer expectations of what respect and freedom to communicate looks like in the context of the training program. Near the end of her interview, Voluble Ghost brought up some feelings that she had throughout the interview. There were moments where she felt very genuine and authentic; however, she found that there were still hesitations present. Even though the desire to be fully authentic was there, Voluble Ghost’s story illustrates how external expectations and unspoken pressures are an inherent part of what it means to be authentic. Authenticity cannot and does not occur in a vacuum because there will always be times where voices of caution or protection come in, even alongside the desire to help another person. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 51 Mary Aldous Mary Aldous’ journey towards entering the counselling profession was a long one, full of unanticipated events. She felt drawn towards a graduate program in counselling after completing an undergraduate degree in psychology and English, and, looking back, can see that it was something that she was meant to do. She views authenticity as giving oneself permission to be who one is and speaks of the importance of recognizing one’s own agency. Mary Aldous also believes that part of authenticity is staying curious, which is also part of being a good therapist. She strives to be open with her clients because she knows what it’s like to sit in the ambiguity that often comes with being a client. When reflecting on her training, Mary Aldous speaks to several different experiences of authenticity. She reflects on the openness and curiosity that she experienced when presented with the possibility of personal reflection, and recognized that the more open that she could be, the more she got out of it. She experienced that being honest about things, such as when she did not get an assignment done or when she needed help, she was met with a lot of patience, which helped her be authentic and experience connection, freedom, and empowerment. However, she also recognized that this was not the experience that many of her peers had. She acknowledged that she was an older student and who is White, and how some of that privilege may have affected her ability to show up authentically and be met with connection. Mary also gave an example of how one of her supervisors put a lot of pressure on her to conform to their way of practicing therapy rather than guiding her towards finding what resonated with her as a therapist, which resulted in feelings of sadness, disappointment, pressure, and frustration. She noted that it was particularly challenging because it was not just a difference of opinions; this person was grading her and had the power to fail her if they wanted to. This resulted in a feeling of THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 52 helplessness, as she was able to recognize their differences but was not able to be different. Feeling a pull towards her clients and helping them was a strong anchor for her throughout this time as she felt energized when she was with them. Throughout Mary’s narrative, the voices of agency, misfitting, and frustration stood out as most prominent. She described being a strong advocate for herself as she felt deeply connected to her voice of internal knowing, but also experienced how hard it was to be authentic when one’s authentic self was misunderstood or unwelcome. An excerpt from her I-Poem shows one of the moments where she felt misunderstood, and moved towards advocating for herself with the voice of agency: I didn’t feel I could I did I felt I had been misunderstood I—yeah I… I just I don’t think I didn’t feel I had I said THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 53 I said I need I gave up Mary’s story highlights many moments of vulnerability, which is something that she learned as she trained to become a therapist. She connects this with her understanding of authenticity: The more that you can be honest about parts of yourself, even the ones that feel like a failure at times, the more that you’re able to learn, grow, and connect with others. Lulu Lulu sees authenticity as something about a person that is real, pure, and original. She reflects on the tension that often exists between authenticity and professionalism, speaking to how professionalism is something that is often taught, while authenticity is something that you bring into the world. Throughout her training, she found that she was most drawn to people who seemed like they were being their authentic selves, rather than hiding behind a mask. When she did sense that people, whether it be fellow students or professors, were hiding behind something, or weren’t acknowledging something, she felt frustrated with the barrier that she felt was between them. The moments of connection that she had made her training program very special to her, which she believes is because of people being able to be authentic with each other. However, there were also times where Lulu felt that it was more difficult to be herself, particularly when encountering a supervisor that was very rigid in their approach to therapy. In these moments, she wrestled between wanting the approval of getting a good grade and finding her own voice in order to connect deeply with her clients. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 54 When reflecting on how she changed as a person and as a therapist throughout her training program, Lulu speaks to a sort of “unraveling” that happened while she was in the program. She noticed that her friendships were shifting and changing as the program went on, and also noted that there were traumatic experiences happening in the program related to race which created a lot of division amongst the students. The training program that Lulu was in consisted of mostly White professors and students, and Lulu noticed that a majority of students were either silent about what was going on or leave it to people who were not White to address what was going on. Lulu describes how she was viewed as an activist throughout these experiences, which did not necessarily line up with how she viewed herself. She felt that the core of who she is was on display, which led to criticism in some areas and acceptance in others. Lulu recognizes her agency in these experiences, as she was the one who chose to speak up and chose to be herself, but holds that alongside the vulnerability that she experienced that came with choosing to be authentic. She also feels that these situations could have been handled differently if there had been more diversity among the staff and students of her program, which could have helped her feel safer and able to engage from authentic parts of herself, rather than speaking from a more traumatized or protected version of herself. Being authentic is something that was very important to Lulu throughout the program, as she felt it was something that allowed her to learn and grow from a deeper place. Her story speaks to how certain environments and relationships with others can help grow someone’s authentic self, or create conditions where that authentic self becomes harder to connect with and speak from. She highlights how being authentic can be beautiful, raw, and sometimes even ugly at the same time, and is something that requires a lot of courage and risk to step into. A portion THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 55 of her I-Poem was adapted to include the word it, with it referring to her experience of accessing her authenticity through her training program: I think I, I view I see myself I see the world I trust Something is there It’s—it’s not a question. It’s not something that’s formed It’s inherent It’s naturally good I’m seeking it I want to see I’m not afraid of it Tokoloshi Tokoloshi’s desire to support people in her community eventually led to her pursuing a degree in counselling psychology. While she had originally worked in leadership, Tokoloshi decided that she would rather take the step of being actively involved in supporting others. When speaking to her understanding of authenticity, Tokoloshi believes that it is something that is organic, constantly changing, and evolving. She understands that it is influenced by both external THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 56 stressors and internal experiences, as she finds that she will often find herself pushing up against narratives from the past. In her work as a therapist, Tokoloshi expresses that authenticity could look like several different things and develops overtime as one is building themselves as a therapist. Being authentic as a therapist involves acknowledging what is going on in the room, even if that means potentially risking the therapeutic relationship. She says that this involves paying attention to the energy between herself and the client. This understanding of authenticity is something that she believes developed throughout her training. Tokoloshi describes her style as a therapist as someone who is more direct, which was something that she held some shame around, as she felt that she should be softer: I was quite insecure and during internship I was trying to figure out a modality. And really, you know, didn't know what I wanted to do. And my style is more direct. So, in general, and I was constantly, I shouldn't say constantly, but a lot of the time, I was kind of struggling with some shame around that, like, oh, you know, you should be like, softer. Later, she expressed that it was a learning experience to bring herself in the counselling room, and that she had to learn how to let her supervisor do her job instead of supervising herself. Letting go of what she thought she should be doing and stepping into an attitude of humility was also something that was important to Tokoloshi’s authentic development during her training. An important part of Tokoloshi’s story of authenticity is acknowledging the larger systemic forces that are at play in her life. Her desire to advocate and push against bigger systems that are not always helpful to all people goes hand in hand with recognizing her own limitations. She also found that she needed to develop trust in herself throughout her training and become more accepting of her “stretches and strengths,” learning to be more human and be okay with making mistakes in the process. She also says that experiencing all of this as a student could THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 57 feel quite lonely and overwhelming at times, speaking specifically with the voice of vulnerability. When talking about what it was like for her to be authentic as a graduate student, she spoke to acknowledging what is going on for her emotionally without trying to push it away: So like, for example, if I'm feeling burnt out, I don't talk myself out of feeling burnt out. That’s not happening. Right? Instead, I'm crying and saying I'm burnt out and calling my supervisor and I'm having like, a meltdown. And, you know, moving that energy and again, being more organic in that process. Her acknowledgment of the present moment helped her not only connect with and attend to what was going on for herself, but also offered a framework for being authentic in the counselling room with her clients. Summer Intentionality, freedom, and a desire to help others are a few themes that characterize Summer’s experience of authenticity. She often feels the weight and pressure of others, whether it be supervisors, professors, or peers, of what a therapist should be, and found herself longing to experience the freedom of being authentic without these expectations. One of her earliest training experiences in the program was with a practicum supervisor that utilized a specific approach to therapy that was presented as the “right way” to do therapy, and Summer felt that there wasn’t any room to be herself if she did not feel that this modality was the right fit for her. Summer also found that she would often get conflicting messages from faculty and professors, as they were presenting other therapeutic modalities that did not fit with what her supervisor believed was right. This resulted in a lot of confusion, frustration, and uncertainty for Summer as she struggled to navigate between what her supervisor was saying to her and her own internal knowledge. She found that personal experiences also added to her experience with uncertainty during her THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 58 training, as she found that her supervisor disagreed with a lot of techniques that she found helpful as a client in her own therapy. While navigating these experiences in her training, Summer found that it was a very lonely process. When reflecting on what this experience was like for her, she speaks to always having the question in her mind of “am I doing something wrong?” An excerpt from Summer’s I-Poem highlights the voice of uncertainty and the voice of pressure as she navigated conflicting expectations: Am I doing okay Am I doing enough Should I Should I I’m not afraid But I’m always Should I be Should I Should I Should I Throughout her training, Summer describes how she learned to feel more confident in herself and trusting of what she felt was best, while also developing a sense of humility. This included learning how to make some tough decisions, even if that meant risking opportunities or relationships at the expense of what she felt was the right call. Summer spoke about a time where she had to turn down an internship placement that she was looking forward to due to a difference in personal values, and even though she was frustrated and disappointed that she had to give up THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 59 the site. She expresses that honouring her own needs and feelings is something that she had to work very hard for, and listening to her own voice throughout that process was incredibly important to her. Being an atheist in a Christian school is also part of Summer’s journey with authenticity, and she describes how being true to herself in this aspect of her life also, to her surprise, was met with connection and acceptance (“I’m allowed to be here”). She is deeply familiar with the pain of denying herself, and chooses to step into vulnerability knowing that even though it may be difficult, it will never be as painful as the alternative. Although she does not credit courses or professors with teaching her how to be vulnerable, she describes that it was the act of being in the program and witnessing other people’s experiences with authenticity that helped her do the same. Kiara Kiara’s journey to counselling psychology was in part because of her desire to help others, despite originally picturing a different career for herself when studying health sciences. She currently works in an agency where she finds it challenging to be authentic at times due to different pressures from the system that she works in. She speaks to how there is sometimes fear present in showing up as herself, as she is nervous that the environments and places she finds herself in will take the enthusiasm and desires she brings away from her. Kiara notes how this will often leave her feeling guarded in certain situations, even though she feels that she experiences connection when she is able to bring more of herself to her relationships and her work. Throughout her training, Kiara initially brought this sense of guardedness into her relationships with peers and faculty. However, she found that when she was herself or disclosed THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 60 something that felt vulnerable to her, she was often met with connection and was able to feel less alone: And it wasn't till, I don't know, one of the journals, where I think I just named it, and was like, I'm writing this journal, and I think when you read it, you're gonna tell me to leave the program. And whoever marked it was like, yeah, I felt this way too… I think just saying like, oh, yeah, I've been there, totally get it… that was really helpful. Kiara also recognized that certain professors would create space in classes for her to feel more confident taking up space, as they would offer the opportunity to connect. Working in triads during skills classes was also a time for Kiara to bring more of herself into her training, which she noted was contingent on whether or not she felt safe with the peers that were in her triad. Kiara also reflects on one experience, during a class in group counselling, where she experienced invalidation as a response to her vulnerability. While in a small group setting that is meant for students to practice their group counselling skills, Kiara and her colleagues were asked to each share who they were most uncomfortable with in the room as an exercise for facilitating group processes. Although Kiara was hesitant at first, she did end up sharing with the intention that other group members would also share. When no one else in her group shared, she expressed feelings of loneliness and distance from others. An excerpt from her I-Poem illustrates the voices of misfitting and frustration as she recalls this experience: I mean I follow I follow I showed up THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 61 I was like I’m not I—I don’t feel like I can engage She reflects on how showing up in these ways can also be exhausting and frustrating when they aren’t reciprocated, or there is the potential of having difficult relationships with colleagues that are also peers. This made her question what it looked like or what it meant to show up if everyone seemed to be showing up differently. Voices This section will provide in-depth descriptions of the five voice groups: (a) voices of ambiguity, (b) voices of vulnerability, (c) voices of invalidation, (d) voices of connection, and (e) voices of anchoring. Each group includes several of the most prominent voices that were heard throughout the participants’ narratives. The descriptions of the groups will also note where voices were heard in tension with one another or in relation to one another, as there were overlapping themes in many of the voices, even when in different groups. Voices of Ambiguity A predominant group of voices that emerged in all of the participants’ narratives was marked by an encounter with ambiguity. As participants recounted their training experiences, a theme of the ambiguous training environment surfaced as an oftentimes inevitable part of their counselling training, which could be both difficult and freeing for participants to experience. This category of voices represents the experience of authenticity as an often ambiguous one, without clear direction, answers, or paths. Participants recognized that this was not only present in the training program, but was in the room with them as they began to counsel their first clients. This category is made up of the voices of uncertainty, pressure, and openness, which THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 62 represent the broad range of responses that participants had to their ambiguous training environment. In an ambiguous environment, it was sometimes difficult for participants to perceive if authenticity was truly welcome, which is where the voice of uncertainty emerged. These voices were marked by a shift in tone towards the end of participants’ sentences, indicating the presence of a question. Repeated statements such as “I don’t know”, “I just”, “—am I?” signified this voice, representing the internal tension, confusion, and conflict that was present as participants attempted to navigate their own authenticity within their training environment. This internal conflict was heard from Voluble Ghost, as she stated, “I don’t know how things are going to be received. Is it welcome? Am I allowed to be? Am I allowed to show up? I don’t know.” Alethea also speaks with the voices of uncertainty as she states, “I think because you're putting yourself out there, and then someone's saying, this is vulnerable enough, this is not vulnerable enough. And you're like, that's…that's where I'm at?,” questioning the meaning of conflicting feedback given by two of her professors. Similarly, Mara communicates her own internal tension between her authentic self and external demands, stating “I’m struggling to show up in the way that I have to.” The phrases “I’m struggling” and “I have to” illustrate a notable characteristic of the voice of uncertainty; when there was no clear right or wrong way to be oneself, participants were often left wondering if there was a right or wrong way to be oneself. Mara continues by expanding on what this internal tension felt like for her: That's what I felt and what I was really struggling with. And I think it was additionally confusing because when I— was deeply connected with myself, I did show up as… and I do show up as a very compassionate, connected sort of person, which speaks to this, like, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 63 sense of source connected with self… but I didn't, I didn't see that self within myself, like, I didn't see that within me, I felt like I needed to change who I was in order to fit that. Here, the voice of uncertainty can be heard as Mara wrestles with parts of herself that knows who she is and parts of herself that feel they need to change in order to be someone else. The voice of uncertainty was often heard when participants recounted experiences with supervisors that approached therapy in ways that felt different from the participants’ lived experiences or personal values. Several participants noted that while some professors or supervisors would often encourage beginning therapists to find their own voices and decide who they were as a therapist, there would be others that would (either explicitly or implicitly) communicate a more black-and-white approach to therapy. Kiara expresses that “it just became confusing of like, well, how do I show up? And what does it mean to show up if everybody's doing this different?,” describing the difficulty of discerning how to be authentic as a therapist if everyone’s self looks different. For Summer, Lulu, and Mary Aldous, the voice of uncertainty emerged as they described experiences with supervisors that highlight the differences in approaches to therapy. This resulted in not only an internal conflict of whether or not they were doing therapy right, but also a questioning of their personal selves. Summer describes this experience in relation to her supervisor who operated through a specific theoretical lens: It really did not feel like there was room for us to be anything other than that… I felt really scared to… I felt like very, just like hemmed in by that. And so when I think— when I think about like…what does authenticity in the context of being a therapist mean? I’m sure he was being his authentic self. But I felt like we were being told blank slate is the proper way to be a therapist. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 64 Summer also communicates the tension she felt within herself as she questioned whether she could express her frustrations to her supervisor, saying “I felt like I can’t say that because I’m the student. I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m here to learn.” Mary Aldous describes a similar experience in her story, where she states that her internal experiences were often at odds with the expectations of her supervisor. She describes her experience as difficult, stating that “I don't think we spoke the same language, which is fine. We— people don't. But I didn't feel like I had any space to be different because they were so firmly…they just were right. Right?” These experiences illustrate how the voice of uncertainty was often amplified by individuals in positions of power, where participants found it difficult to find the space to be themselves. The voice of uncertainty was often intertwined with the voice of pressure, which is characterized by phrases such as “I should”, “I have to”, and “I’m supposed to be.” In the context of authenticity, the voice of pressure appeared in participants’ narratives when being authentic was perceived as a demand, or an expectation. Alternatively, the voice of pressure also arose when there were conflicting messages of being authentic presented alongside messages of what a correct way to do therapy was. Where the voice of uncertainty questioned whether or not there is a right way to be oneself, the voice of pressure communicates the belief that there was a right way to be oneself, and, consequently, a wrong way to be oneself. In addition, the voice of pressure can be identified through a sense of urgency to do therapy the right way, or the fear of doing it wrong. Participants alluded to this sense of pressure particularly when recalling their earliest experiences with clients. Arlene recalls that in the beginning of her training, she had the mindset that “there was just like a right and wrong way to do counselling,” speaking with both the voices of uncertainty and pressure: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 65 I just thought it was like more, um, yeah, objective, like, either you can perform this task or, or not. And the more I was being… myself, like, my authentic self, the more it felt like, I wasn't being a counsellor? Like, I wasn't really like stepping into the role of like, now I have my counsellor hat on, and these are the expressions that I use as a counsellor, and, and, and all of that, and I was just being… me. And that felt like, that's, that's not what I'm supposed to be right now. I'm supposed to be in the role of counsellor. Similarly, other participants spoke to the pressure of others’ expectations about what therapy should look like. Kiara spoke to how the idea of authenticity could often be perceived as being emotionally vulnerable: “You will always get an A if you cry… just to even have that as kind of like a joke, I think speaks a lot to the expectation, right?” Tokoloshi and Alethea both spoke to how they tended to come across as more direct as therapists, and although they were told to be authentic to themselves, they received feedback that their selves needed to come across as “softer.” Lulu also spoke to the tension that arises when authenticity is part of a beginning therapist’s evaluation, saying that when a professor or a supervisor is telling a student to do things a certain way, it becomes very difficult to push back if one feels differently. She expresses that when this happened to her, “it's…giving you the anxiety and that belief that like, you know, that you're not good enough, or that the authentic self isn't to be applied in this setting.” These experiences of ambiguous or conflicting expectations often amplified participants’ sense of pressure, causing them to interpret the authentic presence of a therapist as the need to practice therapy correctly. While there were times that authenticity was perceived as a demand, there were also times where participants perceived authenticity as an invitation. For Kiara, Arlene, Mara, Darren, and Lulu, the experience of ambiguity was an opportunity to explore what felt right for them, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 66 without the additional pressures and expectations of doing something wrong. The voice of openness emerged as participants became curious about what felt right for them, marked by phrases such as “I can”, “I could”, and “I get to.” It was also marked by statements of agency, where participants communicated that they felt they had a choice of exploring what they liked and what they felt drawn to as therapists. For Kiara, the voice of openness was characterized by her ability to choose what felt right for her, stating that an ambiguous environment “helped me build what authenticity looked like, because I don’t think I had a very good picture of that for myself.” There were also times that Arlene experienced uncertainty as an opportunity for growth, stating that when she felt she was open to trying different therapy modalities and was encouraged to do so, she was able to find what felt right for her authentically. It is important to note that this voice typically would emerge as participants recalled later experiences in their training, as most participants’ earlier experiences were marked by the voices of uncertainty and pressure. This was particularly evident in Darren’s narrative, as he spoke using the voice of pressure when recounting his early training experiences: I was showing up Am I valuable? I have to prove I’m not As he spoke about later experiences in his training, the voice of openness emerged: I think I think I had Authenticity allowed me to THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 67 I like I don’t like I think I meet I want Kiara also touches on the growth that happened for her throughout the program: When I started, I think it was a lot easier for me to get flooded and go places that I maybe didn't give myself consent to go? Um, whereas throughout the program, yeah, I felt more in control of, of my vulnerability… I know, there was something that I wrote about in a journal in the first year that I was like, oh, this is like, that felt like a stretching point for me to write about it. And then, um, in the— in last year, like in crisis, we, you know, had to share a story, and I shared that story, like out loud to the class. And so that was, and that was like, yeah, okay, I'm gonna intentionally choose this, um, and kind of saw as an opportunity to work through that even a little bit more… I get to show up here. These narratives illustrate how pressure and openness can both exist within the experience of authenticity, and how the posture of openness towards ambiguity may take time to develop as beginning therapists move through their training. Voices of Vulnerability The voices of vulnerability emerged as participants shared the inherent risk taken in the experience of authenticity in their training programs. As Lulu described her experience of being authentic, she noted that it did not come without risk: “risk of shame, risk of judgement, risk of being alone, risk of being rejected.” Every participant’s narrative contained moments of vulnerability, which were characterized by feelings of being emotionally exposed to others, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 68 whether it be classmates, professors, or supervisors. In the moments where it was expected that beginning therapists would be vulnerable with one another during their training, participants spoke to the discomfort and fear that sometimes came alongside their attempts at vulnerability, as well as the tremendous courage that vulnerability required of them. Stepping into vulnerability as an attempt to be authentic with others was at times an uncomfortable process for participants. Lulu describes the experience of being vulnerable as “like, I just became undone. Like, I imagine… when you unwrap something, and like the core of myself, like being more on display.” Similarly, Tokoloshi uses the words “eclipsing of the soul” and “mind makeover” to amplify the vulnerability and intensity of her experience. When speaking about how they experienced authenticity during their training, participants remembered the discomfort and difficulty that was involved in the process. For some, the voice of discomfort was characterized by the pain and exhaustion of having the expectation of being vulnerable for a grade, while trying to maintain all the other demands that come with being a graduate student. Kiara expresses that “it was like quite painful too, to be authentic and vulnerable in some of those groups and like conversations and like, with everything else going on in the program… can I— do I have that to spare, essentially?” For others, the discomfort went beyond what they felt they were able to tolerate. Mary Aldous described how the expectations of being authentic felt like “they just push you, they push you, push it— push it to the edge of the window of tolerance or beyond,” which she said would sometimes cause her to do things or say things that were beyond what she felt safe sharing. Voluble Ghost also had similar experiences where she expresses that it felt uncomfortable to disclose vulnerable parts of her experience “for the sake of the program just to tick a box,” even if it went against her own values and beliefs about herself. Alethea shared that it felt “jarring” to THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 69 her when she was pushed to be more vulnerable, forcing her to choose between her mental health and her grade. In these moments, participants recalled their experiences of vulnerability leading to intense feelings such as fear, exhaustion, or shame. As difficult and painful as vulnerability was, there were also times where participants would follow their statement of discomfort by a statement of acceptance, or an acknowledgement of the necessity of the vulnerable moments in their training. After stating the discomfort he felt after sharing something vulnerable with his colleagues during a group counselling class, Darren also shares how his discomfort has also led to his growth as a therapist: “I—you can’t really access the personal with the client, if you’re not willing to access the personal in yourself.” Alethea shares a similar sentiment as she recalls the discomfort she felt when connecting to her own emotions, and follows this by stating “that’s not a bad thing. I think that’s an important experience to have, because we work in emotions.” Mara also recalls a moment during her practicum training when she was feeling shame around one of her sessions with a client, and her supervisor made space for her to sit in her discomfort and process it with her supervisor and some of her peers. An excerpt from Mara’s I-Poem illustrates the shift from discomfort to acceptance and growth: I feel I was feeling I completely failed. I— I completely failed I was a complete failure, I was a failure, I was THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 70 I I sat I’ve been I need to I’m willing to go I’m willing to be These experiences demonstrate how, for some participants, the discomfort of being vulnerable was also tied to the knowledge of the growth that happened through their vulnerability. The voices of vulnerability also contained moments of fear, as participants recalled times where it was scary to be authentic with one another. For Summer, Kiara, Mary Aldous, and Voluble Ghost, the voice of fear emerged as they worried their attempts at being vulnerable would be met with judgement and feelings of shame. “Avoiding shaming is a big part of my experience in the program,” which Voluble Ghost says was due to the fear of being told she was not enough, or that her authentic self was wrong. Due to the fear that often accompanied being vulnerable with others, participants spoke with the voice of courage when recalling moments where they were able to be authentic. Lulu directly speaks to this theme as she lists the times where she felt most vulnerable in the program: And I do think that there is a level of courage and bravery that’s required. Like I put myself there, right? Like… with the basic counselling skills, I volunteered to do the demo. In class, I volunteered to TA for all these courses, when things were coming up about race, I raised my hand, and I spoke very loudly against it. Later, she continues: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 71 Some people aren’t—aren’t able to do that. Or maybe they’re only able to do that with their… with their close family, or just to themselves. Which I think is still maybe it, in a different way, maybe that’s a courage too. Within these words, Lulu highlights how the voices of vulnerability may show up differently for everyone; for Lulu, courage meant being her authentic self boldly in front of her classmates, while for others, courage may look like sharing something vulnerable with trusted others, or even admitting something to oneself. As they reflected using the voices of vulnerability, a few participants directly addressed how vulnerability affected their ability to learn in their program. Here, Tokoloshi speaks to the effects of being in a program that encourages vulnerability: I don't know if the faculty actually realize that they're not just teaching something. It's almost like we're so open, and so vulnerable, that everything lands on us in a very sort of magnified way. And I think that authenticity is being able to hold that… in the program, and then sort of navigate that also outside of the program, like as a counsellor. Tokoloshi’s statement conveys the magnitude of what vulnerability felt like to many participants, as they found that their grades and evaluations deeply impacted their senses of self. Alethea echoed some of these thoughts, also expressing that in order for students to feel able to be vulnerable, “safety has to be at the core. And so that has to come from the top down.” Alethea, and others, recognized that in order to be vulnerable with one another, there needed to first be an environment of safety. Central to the voices of vulnerability is risk, which means that the voices of vulnerability were closely tied to the voices of uncertainty. The greater the uncertainty of the outcome, the greater the risk, leading to heightened feelings of emotional exposure in participants. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 72 Occasionally, the voices of vulnerability also contained a timid or cautious quality, as some participants recognized the uncertainty that was present even within the researcher–participant relationship. Voluble Ghost explicitly brought this dynamic to the surface as we concluded our interview together: I feel like, in some ways, I was— I am presenting to you authentically, really genuinely, honestly, um, pieces of my experience. But I also know that it's being recorded, it's going to be transcribed, it's going to be used for a purpose. And so I also feel like I've, like, again, I've been cautious about my wording and what I've included and what I've not included, so there's even a level of disconnect in connecting with you? And I feel sad for this. I feel sad because this is a unique once in a lifetime opportunity. I will never have this space with you and you with me again in my life… I feel sad that even there I had to, I felt the need to be cautious. Here, Voluble Ghost beautifully illustrates the tensions of uncertainty and vulnerability, as well as what it is like to be authentic with someone where a relationship has not been previously established. This moment, although it happened in the interview, gives a clear example of the discomfort, fear, and courage that beginning therapists encounter when stepping into authenticity. Voices of Invalidation As participants moved throughout their training, each one encountered spaces where they questioned whether their authentic self was truly welcome. These experiences are where the voices of invalidation emerged. These voices represent the responses and emotions that arose when participants felt that their authentic self was rejected, unacceptable, or insignificant, leading to feelings of being misunderstood or unsafe in their environment. The voices of THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 73 invalidation could be labeled as inauthenticity at first glance, since participants recalled moments where they felt they could not be themselves, or would act in a way that was inconsistent from who they believed their authentic self was. However, invalidation was intentionally chosen as a result of one of Mara’s reflections on her responses to her training: I am kind of like moving away from the idea that I can be necessarily completely inauthentic? I think it's always a part coming in that, that is like, is authentically speaking in the moment. Although there may be parts of a participant that felt invalidated due to a certain situation, their response to the situation, despite seeming like it was an ‘inauthentic’ version of themselves, was actually coming from a very true and authentic place. The voices of invalidation are not inauthentic, but represent the many ways that participants responded to their experiences of feeling like their authentic self was not safe, welcome, or significant. After an experience of invalidation, the voice of misfitting could be heard through a sense of aloneness, sadness, and alienation. Within the participants’ narratives, the underlying messages of this voice were I cannot be me, or I have to be a version of me that does not fit with who I actually am. Although many participants described feeling out of place at least once during their training, a deep sense of alienation and loneliness was heard most prominently in the narratives of Alethea, Mary Aldous, Summer, and Lulu. Alethea recalls feeling “different” in the program, as she began the program in a different phase of life than most of the other therapists in her cohort. She also felt that her natural tendency to be direct with her clients did not always fit with the desires of supervisors and professors, saying that her “authentic self had a really hard time” in this environment. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 74 Mary Aldous and Summer had similar experiences, with Mary Aldous saying “I didn’t feel like I had any space to be different” and Summer describing that “there was no room for therapists, really, like the version of your authentic self that you were allowed to have had to be what [supervisor] thought it should be.” Summer continues by reflecting on how she wished she would have felt free enough to be her authentic self, even if this meant not being a perfect therapist: “I didn’t even get the chance, to like, make a mistake.” For Lulu, her experience of misfitting came from the conflict surrounding race within her cohort. She describes being seen as an advocate or someone that spoke up about what was going on, even though she did not always feel that was what she was wanting as part of her counselling training: And that was going on for so long. And so I think it just it, it disrupted, it didn't allow me to just, um, sometimes be a student, or sometimes be a witness, or, um, sometimes respond, just as me. And, um, not necessarily, and then not show up or being seen in a way that’s not exactly true to who I am. When participants felt like their authentic selves did not fit in their training program, this further perpetuated feelings of shame, disappointment, and disconnection from others. For other participants, the voice of misfitting was heard closely alongside the voice of pressure. Because participants felt that their authentic selves did not fit within the examples of therapists that were presented to them, they would often feel pressure to hide different parts of themselves in order show the parts that did fit. Mara describes: There were parts of me that I was like, I can’t be this, if I’m also going to be that, so I need to get rid of this part of me… that’s what I felt and what I was really struggling with. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 75 Kiara also noted that sometimes she would tell herself “I gotta fit myself in this box to get through this class,” and expressed that she wished there were more diverse examples of what therapy could look like in order to communicate to students that an authentic therapist does not look the same for everyone. In addition to the voice of misfitting, the voice of protection also surfaced as a response to participants’ authentic selves feeling invalidated. This voice emerged when participants felt that it was scary, threatening, or unsafe to be one’s self, and was at the forefront when participants felt helpless and powerless. Tokoloshi stated that “when you're insecure, and you're a student, you know, it's kind of like being that toddler and lashing out and then being pushed back into some unresolved issues from my past,” highlighting the anxiousness and uncertainty that underlies the voice of protection. The voice of protection also seemed to be tied to traumatic experiences, whether that be traumatic events from the past or events that felt traumatic during their training. Lulu and Alethea both specifically named these parts of themselves as “trauma parts” that came to the surface when they felt unsafe. These feelings of unsafety were associated with feeling pressure to disclose pieces of their past for an assignment, or during classes where peer counselling was required. Alethea recalls feeling like “a scattered version of myself, all over the place” as she describes different parts of herself that came up during conflict with a professor: I did have an experience of unsafety and so I think, um, the feedback I had gotten was that they wanted me to be more authentic or more vulnerable. But I didn't feel safe, but because it was graded, then I kind of stepped out in that. Later, she continues: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 76 I was really trying to bring different parts. But then once we escalated that up the ladder, I was fully, my trauma parts were at the front of the, the experience. So in that sense, I was actually hiding more of my authentic self. Alethea’s experience highlights the tension between the expectation of vulnerability as part of one’s training and the student’s feelings of safety. When an attempt to make the training environment safe and establish trust was not accomplished, participants felt like it was unsafe to show up how they wanted to. As participants reflected on how they felt pushed towards being more authentic, some spoke to how authenticity looked like an intentional choice of which parts they chose to guard and which parts they would show to others. In these moments, the voice of protection was interwoven with the voice of agency, which will be discussed in a later section. Voluble Ghost spoke with both of these voices when she stated: I am authentically present, but that doesn't mean I'm exposing all of these parts of me; I felt the need to be very guarded in the level of authenticity that I would bring into a space within the program. While there was sometimes fear and anxiety underneath the voice of protection, there could also be agency and choice. Choosing which parts to show to others and protecting parts that felt more vulnerable was one way that participants were able to care for their authentic selves during their time in their training program. One of the final questions participants were asked during their interview was about what they wished would have been present during their training that would have helped them be authentic. Although the responses varied, a voice of yearning emerged that stemmed from experiences of invalidation; echoes of phrases such as “I feel”, “if only I could have”, or “I THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 77 would have liked to” characterized the sadness, desire, and hope of this voice. There was a theme of longing for acceptance and safety in their training environment, which was a response to the voices of misfitting and protection that were present earlier in their narratives. For example, when Darren spoke to classes where peer counselling is required, he wished for more discussions around what safety looks like when students are asked to be vulnerable. Lulu expressed a desire for more diversity and conversations around safety during classes as well: I feel like if things had been handled differently, or if there was someone in the staff who felt safe, or who felt like they could see what was happening, and just… yeah, I wonder if, if I would have felt, felt more safe to remain in the community and be authentic. A few moments later, Lulu continued to express how she wished this safety was created: through professors acknowledging the vulnerability of the students with non-judgemental care, and inviting the authentic self to emerge if it feels safe enough to do so. Summer expresses a similar sentiment by saying “I would like to have felt more held” in the situations where she felt unsupported. Similarly, Tokoloshi expressed her desire to see more flexibility in terms of assignment expectations, stating that “maybe it needs to be kind of like, oh, writing is not going to work right now. So let’s do an assignment in a different format, because of what you’re experiencing as you continue to become.” Because of the expectation of vulnerability and the nature of personal disclosure during training, Tokoloshi wished for a better understanding of flexibility amongst professors. The phrase “as you continue to become” highlights what participants felt underneath their longing: the dynamic and often exhausting nature of authenticity, one that is demanding of a beginning therapist’s time, energy, and self. When this vulnerability was not acknowledged or accepted by supervisors and professors, participants felt invalidated; their THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 78 authentic self needed to be protected, or was unwanted in the environment that they found themselves in. An important point to consider when discussing the voices of invalidation is the idea that many of these voices could be considered imposed voices, meaning that these voices come from someone other than the participant themselves. Imposed voices refer to the voices that do not inherently come from participants, but instead stem from external sources and societal pressures that exist in the participant’s context (Gilligan et al., 2003). In the case of the voices of invalidation, these voices could be considered as imposed because of their external sources: These voices arose as participants encountered spaces where they felt they could not fit or they felt like they had to protect themselves, largely because of the expectations and power dynamics that they experienced. Voices of Connection Woven throughout the participants’ narratives were voices of connection, indicating that authenticity is not an isolated experience. The experience of authenticity is marked by both a connection to oneself and a connection to others, as well as a merging of the two, represented by congruence. These voices are relational, reflecting the need for others in both one’s understanding of their own authenticity and the ability to empathize with others’ authentic selves. Participants spoke with the voice of connection when they spoke with agency and compassion towards themselves, as well as a deep sense of trust and acceptance of others. Connection to Oneself. The voice of agency was heard through participants’ stories of taking action, making choices for themselves, and trusting their own wants and needs as they completed their training. An excerpt from Kiara’s I-Poem gives some phrases that resonated through transcripts as participants spoke with the voice of agency: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 79 I showed up I think I’m going to I’m giving I feel like for me, that was pretty necessary I don’t think Here’s what I want to give There was also a sense of intentionality underneath the voice of agency, especially when participants interacted with different counselling theories. Arlene stated that “you’re learning this theory, but you’re learning how to make this theory your own, not how to like mold yourself into someone who uses this theory.” Darren interacted with his learning in a similar way, noting that “authenticity allowed me to, like, notice what I like and don't like about certain theories and about certain approaches, and to like, sort of pay attention to my own experience.” Kiara also felt similarly, while also noting that her ability to experience agency was largely due to “space offered by the instructors” or how safe she felt with her peers during peer counselling sessions. For other participants, the voice of agency was heard through a need to advocate for themselves amidst more challenging moments during their training. Alethea expressed that setting boundaries with professors around an assignment that felt like it would be too vulnerable for her to complete due to her history: I think it's important to learn how to advocate for yourself and set those boundaries, if for no other reason than to hold that mirror up, even if they're not asking for it. I had to be true to myself. I couldn't just say, okay, I'll do this for a grade and be okay in my body. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 80 Lulu also shared experiences where she would go back and forth between the voice of uncertainty and the voice of agency, as she discerned whether to give in to supervisors that pressured her to counsel in a certain way or follow her own voice. She spoke with the voice of agency when she stated that “I leaned more to do— doing it in my own way and then like, whatever, you're gonna give me a B, or you’re gonna give me a three instead of a five, okay.” Other participants, like Summer, Mara, and Darren, utilized the voice of agency when speaking about the tension that therapists often feel to operate from a certain persona, or always be emotionally attuned to others (even when they are not practicing therapy). Summer expresses this while she shares about her perceptions of the expectations that she felt others put on her while she was in her training program: I think being authentic is realizing that like, no, I'm allowed to have emotions too like, just because I’m a therapist doesn't mean that I'm just like this, you know, super nice, like, syrupy kind of person all the time. I have shitty days, too. Giving oneself permission to make mistakes, have bad days, and feel all emotions that came up were some of the ways that participants connected with themselves through agency. Another way that participants voiced their connection to themselves was through acceptance of who they are. The voice of acceptance was heard through a sense of compassion and care for oneself during their counselling training. For some participants, like Mara and Alethea, this realization came through the self-work that she was doing in the program. Alethea stated that learning to embrace all parts of herself, even the ones that felt more defiant or direct, was an important part of her journey of being a “whole person in that room” with clients and “a whole person in my life.” Mara noted that “realizing that every part of me had a purpose and a gift to give me” was an important part of her journey, saying that “authenticity didn’t mean to THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 81 only present one way all the time.” Mara continues on later in her narrative by painting a picture of her journey with authenticity and self-acceptance: Like a stem maybe, like a, like a plant’s being planted and, and deepened and strengthened and watered and nourished. And then afterwards, all these other plants sprout up and are like, we’re here too! And it’s like, oh, okay, right. I didn’t realize I had this whole garden of stuff that I need to take care of now… that’s what being a human is. That’s what life is, and that we’re not going to just stay with this one part all the time. This picture of growth demonstrates how the voice of acceptance is something that develops over time; as Mara moved through the program, she spoke to constantly having to accept parts of herself that emerged through the self-work. The voice of acceptance of oneself was also seen in response to the voice of pressure. Where the voice of pressure spoke through phrases of “I’m supposed to be” and “I have to do this right,” the voice of acceptance came in reminding participants that they were still early in their training and that it was okay to make mistakes. A shift from the voice of pressure to the voice of acceptance can be seen in an excerpt from Mara’s I-Poem: I was I can do it I was like, I need to be If I’m not, there’s something wrong with me. I think I was I resented THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 82 I’m like I’m supposed to be I’m supposed to get I’m like, I had to accept The voice of acceptance was also felt through an acknowledgment of others as different from oneself. Summer, Mara, Kiara, Mary Aldous, and Arlene all spoke to how, at some point, recognizing that their authentic self looked different than the examples of therapy presented to them was an important part of their learning. Kiara states that she wished there was a “bigger acceptance of what being authentic looks like, as a spectrum,” as she gradually learned that each person was very different in how they expressed their authentic selves to others. Participants also spoke to accepting the agency that other people have in relation to their own authenticity. Mara noted that “I can’t be responsible for how other people show up and, and how other people show up is their choice and within their responsibility,” explaining that how she would like to show up as a therapist often differs from what others feel is important to them, and that that is okay. Connection to Others. Within the voices of connection, participants also spoke with a deep awareness of how authenticity is tied to relationships and connections with others. Darren described his experience of authenticity during training as “authenticity for the other,” emphasizing how deeply connected his sense of authenticity was to both his colleagues and his clients. Arlene offers an illustration of how she felt her authentic self shift through interactions with others: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 83 I think of it as like, maybe if that core self was like a ball of clay, like that ball, the, the content of that— that clay remains the same, it's the same size, it's the same texture… But it can be sort of shaped and reshaped as it like… if you like, quite literally bump it up against something else, then it'll be like, dented by the thing it, it comes in contact with, and then it can also be reshaped into another way. This picture articulates both the dynamic and stable nature of the voice of connection; Arlene spoke to how she was able to hold on to her core self through her training, while allowing it to be moved and shaped by her relationships. Some participants specifically highlighted how connections with faculty, supervisors, and other students helped them feel safe enough to be authentic with others. Kiara noted how valuable it was to her when teaching assistants or students in cohorts above her would say “yeah, I’ve been there, it’s hard,” offering empathy and a sense of normalcy in what could feel like an uncertain and vulnerable environment. Lulu spoke with the voice of connection when describing how being authentic with others was something that made her counselling program worthwhile; she stated that the experience of being in relationship and being seen by others helped her develop her own authentic self: “when I’m being seen by others, feeling like I’m also seeing myself. Like, it feels like I’m taking a deeper look at myself.” Mary Aldous, Voluble Ghost, and Tokoloshi also spoke to how authentic connections with clients was an important part of their training experience. Tokoloshi expressed that “I don’t know if we recognize how powerful the role of the client is, like, and the impact of a client on the counselor,” describing how connecting with her clients and learning to trust her own instincts in the counselling room contributed to her experience of authenticity. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 84 The voice of trust also emerged as a part of how participants experienced authenticity during their training. Participants described how being able to trust that they were free from judgement helped them be more authentic with those around them. Summer described how taking risks and being authentic with others helped facilitate trust in her relationships: People were like, oh, I can tell her these things. And she’s not going to judge me, and I didn’t. And so it kind of made me realize, like, from, so for me to say, like, repeat those things to people, it kind of helped me be accountable to myself too, in situations where I’m like… should I lead with authenticity or not? And so like, I think, you know, presenting to the world, like this version of authenticity that, that felt real to me, when I had the option. Here, Summer illustrates the cyclical experience of authenticity: The more she was able to trust others with parts of herself, the more others trusted her with theirs. When attempts at being authentic were met with connection and trust, participants found it easier to lean into vulnerability. Mary Aldous spoke with the voice of trust when she disclosed a mental health diagnosis to a professor during one of the first weeks of classes, as Mary found herself struggling with the nature of one of the more personal assignments. Mary Aldous expressed fear over sharing something personal with the professor, but was met with the question of “how can we help you succeed?” This response established a sense of connection and trust with this professor, which helped her succeed in the course in a way that worked for her. The voice of trust was also heard as participants described their experiences beginning clinical work. Voluble Ghost and Mara both spoke to how the genuineness and transparency of their own supervisors affected how they were able to practice being authentic with their own clients in ways that felt right for them. Voluble Ghost states that her supervisors “modelled THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 85 authenticity and showed how to be genuine in this setting, and made room for like the accidents of life to come into the space as well.” Likewise, Mara describes how being part of a team of beginning therapists, as well as her supervisor, during her practicum was crucial for establishing an environment of trust where she felt she could be authentic. This team environment helped her to “not feel alone in the work” which aided in her growth as a therapist. As participants spoke to the ways that they connected with themselves and with others, the voice of congruence was identified. The voice of congruence was heard when there seemed to be a harmony, or an integration, between a participant’s connection to themselves and their connection to others. Statements like “this is where I’m meant to be” (Mary Aldous), “I’m allowed to be here… to show up as myself” (Summer), and “…pursue what felt more connected to who I am” (Mara) characterized the voice of congruence as genuine and purposeful. This voice was also action-oriented, meaning that participants recognized internal values that they wanted to act on during their training. This voice was also marked by a merging of theories that one was learning about with one’s own personal style, which was especially highlighted by Arlene and Darren. Arlene speaks to this through a description of how she approached personal and professional growth in the program as one in the same: That's all self work. Like, as we learn about the theory. You know, we spend years first applying it to ourselves, and… you can't learn that theory without learning about yourself. Like it's not— it like, the two go hand in hand. So then, um, like I said, that's constantly being paired for me in this process… learning about counselling and learning about myself. So they're always sort of informing each other. The merging of one’s own self with others’ ideas and theories was identified as an important element of the voices of connection. Participants experienced authenticity not as an isolated THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 86 experience, but one marked by relationships: whether that be to the theories presented to them, their cohort, their supervisors, or their clients. Voices of Anchoring Within the four previous voice groups, there has been a theme of growth and development; ambiguity, vulnerability, invalidation, and connection were voices that emerged as participants went through their training, and would show up differently depending on where the beginning therapist was at. The voices of anchoring, however, represent a group of voices that seemed to be present throughout the participants’ narratives, regardless of which stage of training they were reflecting on. These voices were carried into their training with them, and would be places of security and stability in the midst of uncertainty. Across participants, the most noteworthy were the desire to help, a sense of responsibility, and internal knowing, which will be discussed in this section. A strong desire to help the clients they were working with provided a sense of stability for participants. In the midst of the challenges that came with being authentic during training, some participants found being authentic with their clients was a reprieve from the demands of their training program. Mary Aldous stated that “being a therapist was the thing that got me through the rest of it,” recounting how a genuine desire to help her clients was a part of her experience of being authentic. Arlene described her experience being a counsellor as “a natural part” of her identity, expressing a sense of calling to the profession that helped her “genuinely encounter” her clients “from as authentic a place as possible.” Voluble Ghost also found that her willingness to be authentic came from a desire to help her clients, saying that “I was absolutely authentic with my clients, and it was a joy… because they are seen and they’re loved. Like I love my clients.” THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 87 Even during the moments where participants felt that they could not be themselves, the desire to help still surfaced as an important part of their experience. This is when the voice of pressure and the desire to help could be seen side by side: Participants noted that sometimes they would act in a way that did not feel authentic to them when working with clients, even though it was still coming from an authentic desire to help. Darren recalls feeling this tension while he noticed both a desire to help clients and a desire to make sure they liked him: I’m being me in the moment, but I’m not really being me. Like, I’m, I’m being a me that’s worried about bad feelings. I’m like, I’m, I’m not showing up that personally, I’m showing up in a way that’s about avoiding negative outcomes, and avoiding uncomfortable feelings… like I, like, I was never like, explicitly lying to myself, so to speak, like, that’s what I genuinely wanted was to make sure this person didn’t have bad feelings towards me. Yeah, but I think those intentions and interests and motivations, like really got in the way of me showing up truly authentically… in a way that it can actually be for the client. Although the way that Darren practiced therapy and responded to external pressures shifted throughout the program, the voice of genuine desire and care for clients remained. Other participants experienced the desire to help as a duty or commitment to clients, which is where the voice of responsibility could be heard. Mara spoke with the voice of responsibility by identifying a “need to reground” herself in “our role and our purpose” throughout her training, which was a common thread throughout her narrative. There were times where she viewed being authentic with herself as something that helped her fulfill her role as a counsellor: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 88 What I’ve been through helps me show up in the way that I need to for my clients, because I’m willing to go there within myself. And… I’m willing to be authentic with myself, so that I can help my clients be connected with themselves. This statement helps illustrate the driving force that duty was for some clients, as their authenticity as a counsellor came from a desire to help clients access their own authentic selves. In addition to the desire to help, the voice of internal knowing was identified as an anchor point for participants. This voice was identified through participants’ identification of something that had always been true for them, or a deep knowing of something that felt true to who they were. Darren expressed this through stating that “I really noticed right away, like, this does not feel like me,” referencing how even early on in the program, his voice of internal knowing was aware of what theories and techniques did not fit with who he was. When participants recalled early experiences, the voice of internal knowing was still present, but would often surface with other voices (most commonly being the voices of pressure, uncertainty, misfitting, and protection). This would often result in participants questioning their internal knowing, or choosing to act in opposition to it. An excerpt from Summer’s I-Poem illustrates the shift from uncertainty, to internal knowing, and back to uncertainty: Am I okay? I think they’re wrong. But I’m a student What do I know? Other narratives would demonstrate the shift between internal knowing and voices like agency, connection, and courage. Although the voice of internal knowing was representative of beliefs and values that remained unchanged, participants were more likely to act on these beliefs and THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 89 values later in the program. This can be illustrated through an excerpt from Lulu’s I-Poem, demonstrating the shift from the voices of connection, to internal knowing, to courage: I trust I’m seeking I want to I want to I’m not afraid There were also times where the voice of internal knowing carried participants through experiences of invalidation. Summer spoke with the voice of internal knowing that came from years of experiences, which helped guide her through her counselling training: I know from like a lot of like, very painful experiences that the pain of denying yourself and denying your feelings and your needs is usually less bad for you then, you know, then the pain of like, okay: bad things may happen, but like, I'd rather that pain than the other pain. Summer acknowledges a deep knowing of trusting herself and her own instincts, despite it being difficult for her authentic self to show up at times. Alethea described a similar sentiment, as her voice of internal knowing provided a way of connecting to herself in spite of feeling misunderstood and unsafe at various points throughout her training. She stated that: I was authentic to myself… when I left, the only phrase I had going through my head is “not my tribe”. And that’s, I think, for me an okay thing, because I didn’t sacrifice myself to connect. I was myself. Within the voice of internal knowing, the voice of frustration could also be heard. This voice is categorized as an anchoring voice as it emerged as participants recounted conflicts between what THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 90 they knew was right for them and what they were being told, or what they were experiencing: I am frustrated because I know something isn’t right. Alethea expressed that she felt angry at many different points throughout the program, and part of her authentic experience was using her frustration to advocate for herself and what she knew she needed. Darren became frustrated with how the person of the therapist was treated throughout his training, driven by an internal knowing that therapists are human, too. Darren’s frustration came from a deep knowing that he was going to make mistakes, and being authentic meant to acknowledge his humanity. An alternate form of poem, a You-Poem, is used to demonstrate his frustration, alongside the voices of pressure and uncertainty: What do you do? You’re a person You could harm You know You know You’re aware Your client You know If you’re a therapist You’re not allowed to be If you’re a person You know If you’re a therapist THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 91 You’re not allowed to have You’re not allowed to enjoy Both Voluble Ghost and Alethea also spoke with the voice of frustration as they expressed a disconnect between how they experienced ethics being taught in classes and how it was modeled by the people teaching it. They both noted how they felt that professors did not take the time to establish trust and safety during classes where self-disclosure was required, resulting in feelings of distrust and anxiety. Voluble Ghost stated that “I was my own judge of what was being taught, what was being expected…and how I would translate that into my life”, demonstrating how her own internal knowing was what she ultimately grounded herself in. The voices of internal knowing provided a sense of connection and security for participants as they went through their training program. Although their ability to trust and act on their internal knowing shifted depending on the circumstance, this voice represented their inherent knowledge and wisdom, from the very beginning to the very end. Near the end of her interview, Tokoloshi gave a beautiful example that illustrates how she experienced her own voice of internal knowing in the program: But this is me. It’s a truth, it’s a deep— it’s a depth. I know I’m okay… my sister said something to me the other day, she was like, you know, we can’t build the shelf. Like, what the heck is wrong with us? And I was like, I don’t know, there’s nothing wrong with me. Let’s look at the instructions. Maybe there’s a problem with the instructions. Here, Tokoloshi demonstrates how the voice of internal knowing anchored participants: there was nothing wrong with their self, even if the environment was not always right for them, and they knew that they could remain connected to that truth. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 92 Integrative Summary: The Experience of Authenticity Through the 10 interviews, participants recalled their experiences of authenticity as uncertain and vulnerable. Because of the uncertainty, being vulnerable was a significant risk; it was impossible at times to know how their vulnerability would be received, or what level of authenticity was expected from them. At times they were met with invalidation, making it increasingly difficult to connect and attune to their sense of self. Other times, they were met with connection, paving the way for deep relationships and significant personal growth. In Figure 1 below, an illustration of this process attempts to capture some of the patterns that emerged. Figure 1 Mapping the Experience of Authenticity: Part 1 This illustrates how individuals that received moments of connection were more likely to be vulnerable in the future, while those who received invalidation (speaking with the voice of THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 93 protection, or misfitting) were more hesitant to step out in vulnerability again. However, it was also clear that participants who experienced invalidation were still able to access moments of connection and personal growth, especially when they connected to themselves. In participants’ narratives, a pattern emerged in which the voices of anchoring would be spoken in between moments of invalidation and connection, where an acknowledgement of a belief or value that felt true to them would aid them in connecting with themselves and others. Figure 2 offers an additional perspective of how participants accessed connection through anchoring voices. Figure 2 Mapping the Experience of Authenticity: Part 2 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 94 When participants were able to access a belief or value internally that provided a sense of grounding, they were better able to connect with themselves and, at times, to others as well. This alternate form of connection was a lifeline for some, allowing them to focus on what mattered to them in order to advocate for themselves and find their own voices in the midst of invalidation. It is also important to recognize and appreciate the diversity of experiences presented by the ten participants that were interviewed. While I hope that my interpretations and perspectives offer additional ways of looking at the experience of authenticity, I also acknowledge my own limitations in attempting to use language to synthesize the stories of ten unique human beings. Part of the utility and elegance of the listening guide methodology is that seemingly contradictory voices and experiences can exist simultaneously, without one cancelling out the other. Participants offered different perspectives on what it meant for them to be authentic, and it is my sincere hope that each of them felt seen and heard in some way throughout the research process. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 95 CHAPTER 5: DISCUSSION The present case study sought to explore the question, what are the voices of authenticity in beginning therapists? This question asks what the experience of being authentic in a counselling training environment is like, with all of its expectations and opportunities for growth. Utilizing the listening guide methodology, findings revealed many distinct, yet shared, voices, both resonating with and expanding upon previous conceptualizations of authenticity. The following section will discuss some of the connections to previous literature, as well as the contributions that this study offers to the broader literature. It will also discuss the implications of this case study for counselling training programs and clinical supervision. It will conclude with acknowledging some limitations, as well as discussing how studies can continue to expand on this research area in the future. Connections to the Literature The Developing Therapist In Rønnestad & Skovholt’s (2003, 2013) stages of therapist development, the beginning student stages identify how it is developmentally normal for students to feel some level of discomfort and confusion about the intensity of the nature of personal development. The voices of ambiguity and vulnerability both align with these developmental stages, as each of the voices in these groups highlighted how the beginning therapist handles the intense, emotional reactions to counselling training. In the beginning student phases of therapist development, Rønnestad & Skovholt’s (2003) model suggests that feeling anxious and threatened is typical for students in this early phase of training, which are also emotions that were mentioned by most participants when recalling the earliest parts of their training. However, the early student stages also note that a developmental task for beginning therapists is to retain an openness to theories as they THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 96 gradually select which theories to use (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2013). Results of the present study indicated that not only was this true for theories, but also for the participants’ view of authenticity: the voice of pressure tended to shift to the voice of openness over time, as participants began to view authenticity as an invitation to be themselves. The early student stages of therapist development also highlight the impact of supervisors, professors, and other evaluating professionals on the beginning therapists, describing how imitation of these professionals is often the preferred way to learn (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2013). The impact and power that evaluating professionals have during this stage of development was amplified through the voices of invalidation and connection. Many participants, particularly Mara, Summer, Mary Aldous, Voluble Ghost, and Lulu, spoke to how their relationships with supervisors or professors impacted not only their development as therapists, but their ability to be authentic. Mara and Voluble Ghost spoke with the voices of connection when recalling experiences where they felt seen and understood by their supervisors, which impacted their ability to be their authentic selves with their clients. Other participants, such as Summer and Mary Aldous, recalled how experiences with supervisors that were more rigid in their perceptions of what counselling should be prevented them from accessing their authentic selves, impacting their ability to access their internal knowing. Lulu also spoke to how her interactions with her supervisor early in her training were complicated, as she wanted his approval of her but also knew that what her supervisor was telling her did not fit with her authentic self. The complicated emotions that arose in Lulu are a reflection of how evaluating professionals not only impact the theories that beginning therapists choose to practice, but also the development of their own authentic selves. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 97 All 10 participants spoke to the difficult and demanding nature of the personal aspects of counselling training in varying degrees of intensity, connecting the present study to the broader literature. In line with findings from Bruss & Kopala (1993) and Folkes-Skinner et al. (2010), the results alluded to the transformative potential of a program that emphasizes the development of the self. For example, Tokoloshi described her experience as an “eclipsing of the soul” and “mind makeover”, which is similar to Folkes-Skinner et al.’s wording of a “deconstruction of the self” (2010, p. 91). Participants also reported mixed feelings about this transformation through the voices of uncertainty and vulnerability; while for some it was exciting and welcomed, some found it to feel unsafe at times, which prevented them in fully engaging with training in the ways they had hoped to. This is consistent with previous literature suggesting that the intensity of personal growth that happens during training can be both exciting and scary (Gignac & Gazzola, 2018; Furr & Carroll, 2003). The results of the present study also highlighted the important connections between personal development and professional work. Previous literature has suggested that acknowledging all parts of oneself, even parts that can be painful to face at times, are important for utilizing the person of the therapist in clinical work (Niño et al., 2016; Kissel et al., 2017). Many participants echoed this theme throughout their narratives, as they noted how learning to be more authentic as a person helped them be more authentic with their clients. This could be seen through Mara’s story of connecting with her own shame in order to help her clients, as she felt like learning how to be authentic with herself helped her encourage authenticity in her clients as well. Arlene also spoke to the value of personal work in her training program, saying that it is impossible for her to separate her personal growth from her professional growth since they are intertwined with each other. These results point towards beginning therapists recognizing the THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 98 voices of connection, such as the voices of agency, acceptance, and congruence, as key features of the experience of authenticity. Conceptualizing Authenticity How participants conceptualized authenticity was also connected to various themes in the broader literature. In the sections Authenticity: Being Oneself and Challenges in Authentic Therapist Development in Chapter 2, several key terms regarding how authenticity has been previously defined in the literature were discussed. The present study revealed connections to many of these definitions, providing further expansions on how authenticity can be defined and is experienced by beginning therapists. The literature has suggested that the expectations that counselling training programs put on students to be authentic may create conditions of worth, a term coined by psychologist Carl Rogers (Rogers, 1961; Eckler-Hart, 1987; Barnett, 2007; Swaby, 2020). The themes of the present study indicated the presence of conditions of worth as part of the experience of authenticity. This was highlighted in particular by the voices of ambiguity and invalidation, which explored the pressure that participants experienced when they felt that authenticity was expected and evaluated, or when participants felt that their authentic self was wrong or unwelcome. When participants spoke from the voices of pressure and misfitting, they alluded to the presence of conditions of worth: I have to be my authentic self, but only if my authentic self fits what my supervisor/professor thinks a therapist should be. This understanding of expectations was amplified when participants were unclear about what was expected of them. The dynamic and relational nature of authenticity discussed in the literature was also felt by many participants. Karen Horney’s theory of the real self conceptualizes authenticity as dynamic and continually evolving, which resonated with many participants (Horney, 1950). For THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 99 example, Kiara and Alethea both spoke to how their authentic self may change moment to moment, based the nature of their relationships with people around them. This relational aspect of authenticity was also highlighted by participants, specifically through the voices of connection. An understanding of authenticity based on relational cultural theory involves both an acknowledgement of one’s individuality as a person and a recognition that one’s way of being in the world has an impact on the lives of others (Jordan, 2018). Many participants spoke to this in different ways. For example, Arlene’s description of the clay ball preserving its original materials while being able to be touched and changed by others illustrated her perception of authenticity during her training. Alternatively, Tokoloshi, Alethea, and Voluble Ghost spoke to how the power dynamics between the faculty and the students was a challenging aspect of the relational nature of authenticity. When participants spoke from the voices of invalidation, they recognized that their experiences with others during their training affected how they felt willing and able to show up as themselves. The current literature on the experiences of authenticity in counselling training programs has looked at how therapists negotiate their emerging identities through the lens of Winnicott’s theory of the true and false self (Winnicott, 1960; Eckler-Hart, 1987; Swaby, 2020). In the present study, the voices of ambiguity and vulnerability are consistent with these studies, as Eckler-Hart (1987) found participants experienced intense feelings of vulnerability in the uncertain environment of their training program. Swaby (2020) also found that beginning psychotherapists felt stuck between the pressure to be their authentic self and the pressure to perform well in an academic environment, which was brought up by many participants in the present study. Lulu described this tension by feeling the pull towards being authentic, while also realizing her desire of approval from a supervisor: THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 100 I think the program itself, life itself— it kind of exposes you to the places where, you know, you're, you're creating— like when there's a person of authority, and you're looking at them as a parent wanting their approval, wanting their acceptance… like, okay, should I do what I need to do to kind of be the good girl, and get the grade? Because he's marking me? Or should I try to just be myself and connect, find my own voice and connect with my clients, in my own way. And I would say, I kind of went back and forth. These findings further illustrate the intensity of the vulnerable nature of counselling training programs, expanding on the experience of what it is like to be oneself in an academic environment. Additions to the Literature In addition to these connections, the present study has also expanded upon the existing literature by deepening our understanding of what it is like to be authentic in a specific counselling training environment. The aim of this project was to hear the voices of recently trained therapists and to move towards understanding their experiences within their beginning developmental stages. Much of the early research on beginning therapists within training programs has focused on the efficacy of beginning therapists, and more recently it has shifted to a focus on beginning stages of development. However, a focus on the lived experiences of beginning therapists provided insight into the impact that counselling training has on students. Although there are implications for counselling development, the focus of this study moves away from exclusively looking at development and towards looking at the experienced impact of this development. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 101 The Impact of Authenticity While a few studies have begun to examine the experiences of being vulnerable as therapists (Eckler-Hart, 1987; Folkes-Skinner et al, 2010; Swaby, 2020; Yang et al., 2022), there is still research needed on how this is showing up for training therapists as they reflect on their training program. Much of the literature has pushed for the importance of personal development as an emphasis that is valuable and necessary, without exploring the aspects of how it is being implemented or what it feels like to be authentic within an academic environment. Tokoloshi spoke to this tension when she noted that she is unsure if faculty and supervisors are always aware of the impact of being asked to participate in personal development. As students confront various parts of themselves that are new and challenging while also connecting to painful parts of their past, Tokoloshi pointed out how reactions to situations, such as conflict or differences in approaches to therapy, can feel emotionally heightened and exhausting for students. The present study has also highlighted the broad, diverse impact of encouraging authenticity as part of a counselling training program. All 10 participants spoke to some level of discomfort in having to be authentic, especially within an environment that was often uncertain and had unclear expectations of what being authentic and vulnerable looked like. Some participants expressed that they were able to learn to lean in to this ambiguity: Mara, Kiara, Arlene, and Darren spoke to how an acceptance of all parts of themselves was facilitated through the expectation of authenticity and connection with others, and how that invitation to be authentic encouraged their growth as a therapist (which continued even after they left the program). Other participants, like Alethea, Voluble Ghost, and Tokoloshi, felt that the expectation to be authentic was unsafe for them at times, especially when they found it difficult when asked to bring past experiences into their present learning. Lulu, Summer, and Mary THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 102 Aldous’ stories all highlighted the challenges of learning from a supervisor who is rigid in their perception of counselling, making the experience of authenticity ambiguous and invalidating. In the midst of the uncertainty, all three were also able to access a sense of internal knowing, which aided them in experiencing connection with themselves and with others. Findings from this research add to this small but growing area of literature by providing new perspectives on how recently trained therapists are impacted by authenticity. Moving Beyond the True and False Self The present study also offers an alternative perspective to Winnicott’s true and false self, which is the theory that has been used to explore authenticity in counselling students in previous research (Eckler-Hart, 1987; Swaby, 2020). Although these studies provided a helpful starting point for studying authenticity, an aim of the present study was to remain open to multiple different voices of participants that could arise in the beginning stages of therapist development. The listening guide methodology was purposefully chosen because it allows for multiplicity of voices (Gilligan et al., 2003). To do this, the listening guide uses the idea of counterpoint, a melodical term used to describe when independent melodic lines interact with one another and work together to create harmony. The existence of counterpoint in the voices of participants is a significant expansion on current literature as it highlights the multifaceted nature of what authenticity can be. Each participants’ voices contained distinct melodies, which could, at first glance, seem to contradict or be in tension with each other. For example, Summer spoke with the both the voice of internal knowing and the voice of uncertainty as she described her conflicting experience with clinical supervision: Like, am I okay? Is this okay? This person says this isn't okay, but I think they're wrong. But I'm a student, what do I know? I'm supposed to like… and also have to do what they THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 103 say to get a good grade… I'm just going to like, check the boxes and then do, do what I want after… but then like, after, it was like swinging the other direction. Like, I'm like, oh, am I okay, am I— should I have done something different? Um, what else could I have done? And kind of most of the time, what I got is like, good job. You need to trust yourself more. You know, you need to work on your, um, confidence. The idea of contrapuntal voices was also especially relevant when participants spoke from the voices of invalidation. In previous studies, this was interpreted through the lens of Winnicott’s true and false self, which was used to describe how counselling students went back and forth between a true version of themselves and a false, inauthentic version of themselves (Eckler-Hart, 1987; Swaby, 2020). While both of these studies significantly contributed to exploring the deep and intense emotions that emerge during counselling training, Swaby (2020) noted that some participants found that their ‘false selves’ were sometimes more authentic in the moment than their ‘true selves’, and struggled with this binary classification of authenticity. The present study illuminated how the parts of participants that came to the surface as they experienced invalidation were not necessarily false versions of one’s self; they presented as real and genuine parts that wanted to be seen, acknowledged, and heard by others. Voluble Ghost illustrates this as she speaks from the voices of protection, agency, and longing: Certainly there were specific individuals with whom I felt that could be quite authentic at any given time, uh and very safe there. But under the aegis of the program itself, I didn't feel that it was necessarily a safe or wise move to be fully authentic. And so I did hold back a lot of me, or I would choose, like, you know, bits and pieces of myself that were more presentable and more acceptable… how do we— how do we, as students, be vulnerable, and open and authentic, but then also have to reel ourselves in to have a sense THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 104 of dignity and self-respect and respect from others? Those were at odds at times, and I am sad that it was that way. Despite not necessarily feeling authentic, Voluble Ghost still speaks from the voice of agency and connection with herself as she navigated times where she felt the need to discern which parts of herself felt safe enough to emerge. Perhaps the ‘true self’ and the ‘false self’ are not opposed to each other, but they are instead multiple parts that exist simultaneously, which are all components of an authentic response to being in a vulnerable environment. These findings call for a broader understanding of what authentic responses looks like for beginning therapists, especially in the context the beginning stages of development. Implications for Counselling Psychology When situated in the context of the broader literature, the results of the present study point towards several implications for the field of counselling psychology. The following section will discuss implications for the personal development of counselling students and clinical supervision. Student Development Due to the impact of being asked to be authentic for professional purposes, the results of this study also illuminated the need for more conversation around what safety and mental wellbeing looks like in the context of student development. Although being authentic and engaging in personal work was acknowledged by all 10 participants as a necessary part of counselling training, many participants questioned if the nature of the personal aspect of their training program could have shifted to include a larger emphasis on student safety. The voice of yearning often highlighted this desire, which has implications for how students’ personal development can be better facilitated within graduate programs. Darren spoke to how he wished THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 105 there was more freedom and safety to make mistakes and learn from them, as he found that the pressure to do things the right way would hinder him from being authentic in his learning: I think that that paradox of like, really allowing yourself to be bad in order to enter into that authentic space— I think to have that space is so important as a developing therapist, you know, otherwise, like you really don't learn how to be authentic. You learn how to be correct. Alethea also expressed a desire for a slightly different element of safety, pointing out the contradictions between what they were asked to do in order to be trauma informed with clients and what was expected from them as students: I can understand the value of this for other people, but given my history and where I'm at right now… And the funny thing to me was, if a client came to me and said, this isn't a good exercise for me to do to heal, I would say, okay, let's look at something else. Right? So I would never push a client into something that felt like it would tank their mental health. And I didn't understand, and I probably still don't, why I would be pushed to do something that isn't okay in my head, just for a grade, to say, oh, I completed the course. This was similar to Tokoloshi’s experience, as she also expressed for an increased level of flexibility and recognition that not every graduate student will need the same thing in developing their sense of self as a counsellor. Kiara also wished that there were more explicit conversations about what safety and authenticity could look like, especially in relation to classes where students were being asked to practice counselling one another or disclose personal information. Many of the participants’ ideas and experiences of safety can also be connected to Yalom’s work on group cohesiveness (Yalom & Leszcz, 2020). Although Yalom’s work on group cohesiveness was written in the context of group therapy, his work on cohesiveness and THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 106 relationships in group settings have parallels to what participants experienced in their training program’s group settings. According to Yalom, a cohesive group consists of a sense of warmth and comfort, where participants feel that they are valued, accepted, and that they belong (Yalom & Leszcz, 2020, p. 90). When participants spoke of what they wished was present within their training to promote authenticity, these characteristics (such as belonging, connection, and acceptance) were what they desired. Yalom speaks of cohesiveness is something that is very complex with many moving parts, highlighting the effort that group cohesiveness requires to cultivate and maintain. Another characteristic of group cohesiveness is how it is experienced differently by each member involved in the group, as each member brings their own personal experiences (such as their personality and interpersonal patterns) into the group, affecting how members relate to one another (Yalom & Leszcz, 2020, p. 90). The differing experiences was also highlighted by participants, as many of them recalled how their early experiences and patterns that had developed over time contributed to how they experienced safety and connection in their graduate program. Yalom indicates that emotional connectedness and self-disclosure can both aid in the formation of group cohesiveness. Faculty who are wanting to increase group cohesiveness may consider Yalom’s suggestions for cultivating cohesiveness in group therapy, including self-disclosure of their own experiences, diligently paying attention to group dynamics, and seeking out regular feedback about their students’ feelings about their safety and belonging (see e.g. Yalom & Leszcz, 2020, p. 103). Existing alongside the desire for increased safety were voices that highlight implications for what can be done to facilitate a more welcoming space. Mary Aldous recalled a time where she communicated to a professor that she was feeling unsafe with one of the personal assignments, and was met with connection; the professor validated her feelings of unsafety, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 107 communicating to her that they made sense, and adapted the assignment to help Mary Aldous feel safe. In many ways, this was the opposite of what others experienced, and Mary Aldous acknowledged this: I feel like, probably, I had a different experience from some other students. I feel like my age, the fact that I'm White, and those two things actually helped it to be a safer place than it might have been for some of them. Which is unfortunate. Because at a place where they're teaching counselling, everybody should have been able to be as much of themselves as I was, I think, but I don't think that was the experience, definitely not in my cohort. Although it may be impossible for counselling faculty to connect with all students and guarantee complete safety in a classroom, the examples of what worked well for participants highlight the need for a consistency of responses amongst students and an openness for further dialogue about safety if needed. The person-of-the-therapist (POTT) model for counselling training, which was discussed in the section The Person of the Therapist in Chapter 2, offers some suggestions for how faculty may practice this connection with students. Research on the POTT model of training suggests that it was powerful for beginning therapists to be met with understanding and compassion from professors when sharing intimate details about their lives, which eventually helped them do the same towards themselves (Kissil et al., 2018). When participants spoke with the voices of invalidation, they commented on a desire to be heard and understood. If beginning therapists approach faculty with concerns about safety, it may be helpful for the faculty to express understanding towards the beginning therapist’s context and adopt a posture of openness towards collaborating with the student on what may need to change. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 108 Another suggestion for the creation of safety in classrooms is for faculty to take time to communicate explicitly what is expected of students in classes that require forms of peer counselling or group work where personal disclosure is expected. Kiara, Darren, and Alethea all expressed their desire for expectations to be made clear about what they are expected to share with others and what personal disclosure might look like. Kiara also expressed the desire for safety to be an ongoing conversation, suggesting that the topic be revisited throughout the semester as a conversation rather than something that is said at the beginning of the semester and then forgotten about. Darren and Alethea both spoke to how authenticity does not mean revealing all parts of oneself at any given moment and communicated the wisdom in knowing when to share and when to hold back. Counselling professors may consider reflecting on what they believe is helpful or necessary for students to reflect on and share with others during classes before the semester starts and open a conversation about safety at the beginning of the semester. Professors could also consider communicating to students that being authentic and doing personal work does not have to involve disclosing everything all the time; authenticity may look different for everyone, and remaining open to others’ perspectives is important. An invitation to dialogue about what safety can look like may be helpful for students to feel like their vulnerability is seen and acknowledged by others, which could aid in the construction of a helpful learning environment that is ongoing. If it is impossible to always guarantee safety for everyone, an attitude of openness and flexibility could be adopted to help beginning therapists know that there is room for additional conversations about safety. Another suggestion for faculty to consider is how they are going to support students through their personal development. Earlier in this section, I mentioned that it is likely impossible for faculty to connect personally with each student to give them the attention and THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 109 support that they may need. Nevertheless, the results of the present study and the literature on beginning therapist developmental stages indicate the challenging and intense nature of counselling development and the need for continued personalized support throughout training (Aponte & Kissil, 2016; Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010; Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2003, 2013). Directing students towards doing their own personal therapy throughout their training may be helpful, as a personal therapist may be able to fill in the gaps of support that faculty cannot realistically provide. However, implementing mandatory personal therapy could be difficult to justify from a financial perspective, as many beginning therapists may not have the finances to engage in frequent personal therapy while they are also keeping up with the expenses that come with being a student. Counselling programs can be mindful of this by including personal therapy in tuition costs, or seeking out therapists that would be willing to offer reduced rates for student therapists. Requiring personal therapy may be a way for faculty of counselling programs to alleviate some of the stress that comes with providing all students with the support that they need, while also promoting self-care and the mental wellbeing of their students. Additionally, participants expressed that it was helpful to hear from students that were further along in their training program and receive validation and connection from them, as well. A mentorship program or some opportunity for students from different cohorts to connect with each other may be helpful in facilitating connection and personal growth. Creating layers of connection may help students feel more supported through their authentic development. It was through connection and relationship that participants felt it was safe to be their authentic selves, which is not something that happened as soon as participants entered the program; connections are built over time and are not isolated from past experiences and current realities. Counselling training programs that implement personal development into their THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 110 curriculum need to be mindful of the vulnerable position students are in and the need for students to be continually supported throughout the process of learning. This may be something that faculty are already aware of; however, if faculty are aware of the beginning therapist’s vulnerable position, many participants in the present study felt that was not the case in their experience. It may be helpful for faculty to express their understanding of the challenges of personal development directly and explicitly to students, which was a gesture that was helpful for participants. Kiara noted that when her experience was explicitly normalized, she felt that she was better able to be honest and authentic with both herself and others around her. Participants expressed that authenticity can be transformative, but only when they felt safe enough to lean into vulnerability. This implies the need for a more generous and diverse understanding of authentic expression built through connections that develop over time. Clinical Supervision The present study also carries implications for how clinical supervisors facilitate authentic development in their supervisees. Supervisory relationships are critical in the early stages of therapist development, with positive experiences being transformative for the beginning therapist and negative experiences being impactful and potentially traumatic (Rønnestad & Skovholt, 2013). Clinical supervisors may benefit from an understanding of how new therapists both grow and struggle in their experiences of being themselves and disclosing that with others, as they may develop a better sense of how to create environments that are supportive and safe for new therapists. In many ways, the implications discussed above for counselling programs could be applied to supervisors, as well: an understanding that authentic expression looks different for everyone, providing validation for the intensity of supervisees’ experiences, and taking time to build safety through connection could all be beneficial for supervisors to implement. However, THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 111 participants recalled the impact of specific instances with supervisors which give insight into how clinical supervision can better support developing students. Lulu, Mary Aldous, and Summer all described experiences with supervisors that were rigid in their perception of what counselling is. As the results indicated, this created experiences of shame, confusion, and pressure as they tried to navigate which aspects of their authentic selves were welcome in the counselling room. Summer, in particular, describes how her experience with her supervisor was in direct contrast from what she was being taught in her program; while her supervisor was telling her there was a right and wrong way to do counselling, she was being taught to bring her authentic self into her work as a therapist through her in-class learning. This experience points to the need for supervisors to recognize the broad approaches to counselling that exist, especially when they are providing supervision for students coming from a program that provides instruction in multiple different counselling theories. Instead of leading with judgement, supervisors might try being curious about what each student is drawn towards, helping them access their own sense of anchoring; this could involve inviting them to reflect on what it means to identify and follow their voice of internal knowing. Supporting beginning therapists through supervision will likely look different for every student, as results of the present study revealed how each participant had different needs as they developed their authentic self as a therapist. Research on different approaches to supervision offer some suggestions on how supervisors can adapt to the needs of beginning therapists. For example, research on the power dynamics present in supervision revealed that the supervisor’s transparency about their own experiences and disclosure of mistakes they had made when they were learning helped supervisees de-idealize and humanize themselves (De Stefano et al., 2017). Similarly, Niño & Zeytinoglu-Saydam (2020) suggest that mutual empathy and compassion are THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 112 critical in supervisory relationships, as supervisees need to experience acceptance of others in order to experience personal growth. In Rønnestad & Skovholt’s (2003, 2013) model of therapist development, the researchers suggest that developing an attitude of curiosity and openness is critical for beginning therapists in their early stages of development. Because beginning therapists are impacted by evaluating professionals, such as their supervisors, it is important for supervisors to model an attitude of openness, showing their supervisees empathy, compassion, and understanding. In contrast to these experiences, other participants found that connection through supervision was what helped them access their authentic self as a professional. Voluble Ghost noted how her supervisors would model authenticity for her, which she describes as being honest and genuine with her about both themselves and what they saw in her. Mara also experienced a strong connection with her practicum supervisor, explaining how her supervisor facilitated space for her to explore her own voice as a therapist and take risks in the therapy room. These experiences speak to the possibility of connection within the supervisory relationship, and how this could potentially aid in facilitating authentic development. Where rigid expectations led to a sense of pressure, an invitation from a supervisor to show up authentically, involving a degree of acceptance, fostered a sense of openness in participants. This suggests a flexible approach to supervision that is both aware and accepting of a diverse range of expressions of authenticity. Limitations and Future Research Consistent with the constructivist paradigm that this study is situated in, I recognize that my study does not capture the full experience of authenticity, and I am eager to see where others take this topic in the future. This section seeks to acknowledge the limitations of this study and THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 113 illuminate some paths forward, as others seek to learn more about the impact of authenticity in graduate counselling programs. Throughout the interviews, there were many times where participants would express that it was difficult to describe their experience with authenticity in words, as they alluded to a felt sense of who they were that they struggled to communicate. This challenge brings to the forefront the limitation of language itself; although the listening guide makes room for listening to the nuances and discrepancies in language, such as pauses, sighs, and changes in tone, there may be more that could be expressed through other senses, such as an arts-based modality. There is also the possibility of conducting longitudinal research, following specific students over time as they experience authenticity in their programs. This may allow for the researcher to pick up on unspoken changes in development or demeanor as participants move through their program, expanding on the findings of the present study, which was done retrospectively. A suggestion for future research would be to follow participants as they go through their counselling program to attempt to capture how they experience authenticity differently throughout their training. Another possible limitation is myself as the researcher, who is actively completing the training program in which participants graduated from. There are aspects of this that could have strengthened the study: for example, dual relationships with participants could have aided in rapport building. Consistent with qualitative research conducted through the lens of a constructivist paradigm, these relationships are not necessarily a limitation in and of themselves. However, I do recognize that my own connections to faculty and this program could have affected the participants’ willingness to share their honest experiences of their training. In the informed consent form (Appendix B), participants were informed that my supervisor (a member of the faculty) would also be aware of their identities, which may have affected their ability to THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 114 share freely and openly. To mitigate the effects of this limitation, participants were reminded of the confidentiality of their experiences before their interview and that they could say as much or as little as they felt comfortable sharing. I also recognize that my own experiences in the training program could have impacted my ability to interpret participants’ experiences. This limitation was mitigated through the practice of reflexivity, discussed in the Reflexivity section in Chapter 3. I also worked closely with a research team which allowed me to collaborate and confirm the themes that emerged in each participant’s narratives. Working in a team and discussing various voices and the experiences of the participants helped me differentiate between my own experiences and the experiences of the participants. Another suggestion for future research would be to explore and compare how programs with differing approaches to personal development impact students’ ability to feel that they can be authentic. As this case study was delimited to a specific training program with its own ways of approaching personal development, graduate training programs that emphasize different counselling theories may highlight additional experiences of authenticity that the present case study did not capture. In addition to this, an intentional selection of a diverse group of experiences may enhance future research. The present study consisted of mostly White participants. Since the experience of being authentic is relational and not isolated from context, a more diverse sample may continue to build on these findings by adding additional contexts from which to explore its impact on counselling development. Lastly, future research could expand upon the present study by looking more specifically at different elements of counselling training. This project was broad in its scope; some participants shared more about their supervision experiences, some shared about classwork, others shared about their own personal reflections that came through working with clients, or THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 115 even their relationships with the other students in their cohort. While this study remained intentionally broad in order to look at multiple different elements of counselling training within a specific program, future studies on authenticity may narrow down on one of these in order to facilitate a deeper understanding of what it means to be vulnerable in those contexts. In the context of therapist development, future research could also expand on other developmental influences that could be related to how therapists experience authenticity. The present study included a wide range of ages amongst participants: some entered into the program in their early twenties right after their bachelor’s degrees, and a few were middle-aged and had already established careers in non-profit sectors before beginning their master’s degree in counselling. While participants’ ages were not the focus of the present study, there is a possibility that a participant’s age could impact their ability to be authentic in their counselling program. Future research could expand on these findings by exploring how an individual’s lifespan development affects their authentic development as a beginning therapist. Conclusion The focus on personal development in counselling training programs has fostered an environment with the potential for both tremendous growth and significant challenge. Through the voices of the ten participants in this case study, authenticity was revealed to be an ambiguous experience; while some found this uncertainty to be an invitation to discover who they felt they were, others found that the ambiguous environment amplified feelings of pressure. Within the ambiguity, the voices of vulnerability arose as participants experienced what it was like to risk revealing parts of themselves to others. At times, they were met with connection: they experienced a sense of trust with others, leading to deep relationships and acceptance of both themselves and others. Other times, they were met with invalidation: they felt found themselves THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 116 protecting parts of themselves that were vulnerable, feeling like their authentic selves were not welcomed by others, and longing for something different. As participants recounted their experiences of authenticity, the voices of anchoring arose, which provided participants with a sense of acceptance and security, regardless of which stage of development they were in. These voices also had a strong presence in the stories of those who felt invalidated, as they were sometimes able to access their desire to help or voice of internal knowing and utilize it as a path to connection. Each participant found themselves needing something different from the faculty and supervisors that facilitated their learning, pointing towards the need for a diverse acceptance of what authenticity looks like in counselling students. 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Counselling Psychology Quarterly, 1–23. https://doi.org/10.1080/09515070.2022.2063260 THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 126 APPENDIX A: Invitation Email Hi (name), My name is Jillian Sherwood and I’m currently in my second year of TWU’s counselling psychology program. My thesis research is on experiences of authenticity within counselling training programs, and I am looking for participants who have either experienced growth or struggle (or both) in their ability to be authentic during their journey at TWU, or feel that they can speak to the question of: What are the voices of authenticity in beginning therapists? The intent of my study is to gain a better understanding of what being oneself looks like during the intense time of personal development that counselling training brings. All efforts to maintain your confidentiality will be made. As a thank-you for participating in the study, you will be given a $20 gift card to a local coffee shop (options will be given). I am looking for eight to ten participants who are able to say “yes” to the following: - Have graduated from TWU’s MA in Counselling Psychology program within the last 5 years (graduation date between 2018–2022) - Feel that they have experienced growth or struggle in relation to being themselves or being vulnerable within the context of their training, and/or feel that they can speak to the research question listed above - Are willing and able to participate in a 1–2-hour long interview via Zoom (a secure, online video calling platform), as well as a follow-up interview If you are interested in participating or have any questions, please email me at (email). Also, feel free to pass this email along to anyone who you think may be a good fit for the study. Thank you, Jillian THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 127 APPENDIX B: Letter of Consent Experiences of Authenticity in Beginning Therapists Principal Investigator: Jillian Sherwood, MA Counselling Psychology Student, Department of Counselling Psychology, Trinity Western University Faculty Supervisor: Larissa Rossen, MA PhD, Assistant Professor, Department of Counselling Psychology, Trinity Western University Purpose: The purpose of this study is to explore recently graduated therapists’ experiences of authenticity (or being themselves) in a counselling psychology training program. Authenticity has become one of the most important aspects of becoming a therapist in the literature, with studies pointing towards a sense of congruence between one’s personal self and professional self as a sign of growth and maturity in experienced therapists. However, it is still unclear how beginning therapists perceive authenticity and how it is experienced early on in their training program. Procedures: This study involves one 1-2 hour long interview. You will be asked to share about your experience in the counselling program at TWU and how you have experienced authenticity within the context of the program. A brief follow-up interview, approximately 30-45 minutes in length, will be conducted after analysis is complete, where you will have the opportunity to learn about some of the themes that emerged during the research. Interviews can be conducted in-person on campus at TWU or via Zoom, both in confidential spaces. Upon your request, research findings will be available to you after the study is complete. For a copy, please email Jillian at (email). Potential Risks and Discomforts: There are minimal risks associated with this research; however, participants will be asked to share about personal experiences that may cause some discomfort to talk about. If you are uncomfortable at any point during the interview, you have the right to stop the interview and wait until you are ready to continue. Confidentiality: Any information that is obtained in connection with this study and that can be identified with you will remain confidential and will be disclosed only with your permission or as required by law. Interviews that are audio-recorded and transcribed by the principal researcher will be stored on an encrypted drive under the pseudonym that the research participant has chosen. Only the principal researcher and her supervisor will listen to the audio recordings. The transcripts will not include identifying information and only members of the research team will have access to the written documents. Once the project is completed, all audio recordings will be destroyed and written transcripts will be kept on an encrypted drive for future research. Contact for information about the study: If you have any questions or desire further information with respect to this study, you may contact Jillian by email at (email) or her supervisor, Larissa, at (email). Contact for concerns about the rights of research participants: If you have any concerns about your treatment or rights as a research participant, you may contact the Ethics Compliance Officer in the Office of Research, Trinity Western University at 604-513-2167 or HREB@twu.ca. Consent: Your participation in this study is entirely voluntary and you may refuse to participate or withdraw from the study at any time without consequence. Withdrawing your participation will not affect relations between you, myself, and members of the research team. If you wish to end your participation and have your responses withdrawn, please contact Jillian by email (email), phone (phone number), or in person. Please keep in mind that you will not be able to withdraw your information after final analysis procedures have been completed and your responses have been incorporated into themes in the study; however, your anonymity will be maintained throughout the study through the use of your provided pseudonym. THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 128 Signatures Your signature below indicates that you have had your questions about the study answered to your satisfaction and have received a copy of this consent form for your own records. Your signature indicates that you consent to participate in this study and that your responses may be put in anonymous form and kept for further use after the completion of this study. ___________________________________________ Research Participant Signature _______________________ Date _____________________________________________________________ Printed Name of the Research Participant signing above THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 129 APPENDIX C: Demographics Email Demographic Information Please feel free to leave any questions blank if you do not feel comfortable answering. Questions marked with a * are required for participation in the study. 1. Name*: ____________________________________________ 2. Desired Pseudonym*: ________________________________ 3. Age*: _________ 4. Gender: __________________________ 5. Ethnicity: _________________________ THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 130 APPENDIX D: Interview Guide Introduction script: Thank you for taking the time to participate in my study. Before we begin, I want to remind you that you can choose to share as much or as little as you want, and if at any point you’re uncomfortable, please let me know so we can pause the interview. Research Question: What are the voices of authenticity in beginning therapists? Guiding Questions: 1. As a way of getting started, tell me about what drew you to pursue a degree in counselling. 2. Can you share what authenticity means to you? What does it mean to you in our profession? In your professional training? 3. How did you experience authenticity personally during training? a. What was it like for you to be yourself? Or not be yourself? 4. Was there a difference between the therapist that you felt you should be and who you actually are? If so, how would you describe this difference? a. How do you understand the relationship between these parts of yourself? 5. How did you see yourself changing through your clinical training (if at all)? 6. How did your ability to be authentic/inauthentic impact your clinical training? 7. What about your training helped you be authentic (or not)? a. Is there anything that you wish would have been present during your training that you didn’t get? If so, what was it? 8. Is there anything we haven’t touched on yet that you feel would be important for me to know? Debriefing portion (oral script): Thank you for your time and contributions to this research project, and I will be in touch in the near future about scheduling 30-minute follow-up interview. Do you have any questions, comments, or concerns about your participation? THE DEVELOPING SELF: VOICES OF AUTHENTICITY IN BEGINNING THERAPISTS 131 APPENDIX E: Member Check Interview Guide Introduction script: Thank you again for taking the time to participate in this follow–up interview. During this interview, I’ll go over the summary from your interview as well as your I– poem in order to make sure that it accurately represents your experience. I’ll also ask you a few questions to give you the opportunity to debrief your experience. Feel free to ask me questions at any time. Debriefing Questions: 1. Do you feel that the summary we read together was reflective of your experiences and of what you shared with me? a. Is there anything that needs to be changed? b. Is there anything important missing? c. Would you like to clarify anything? 2. Would you like to share anything that stood out to you as we ready your summary and poem? 3. Are you taking away any insights or discoveries from this process? a. Have you learned anything about yourself through this research process? 4. Do you have any final questions for me?