i Running head: CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING “YOU DON’T HAVE TO CARRY IT ALONE”: CHRISTIAN CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES OF PRAYING IN THERAPY by MEGAN J. ENGLAND A THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF MASTER OF ARTS in THE FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES GRADUATE COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY PROGRAM We accept this thesis as conforming to the required standard …………………………………………………….. Derrick Klaassen, Ph.D., Thesis Supervisor …………………………………………………….. Sheryl Reimer-Kirkham, Ph.D., Second Reader …………………………………………………….. Peter Gubi, Ph.D., External Examiner TRINITY WESTERN UNIVERSITY June, 2018 © Megan England CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING ii ABSTRACT This study sought to understand Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. Within counselling psychology, there is little research in this area, which may reflect the fact that praying in therapy is often regarded as ethically contentious. It is, however, possible that clients may experience prayer as beneficial and healing. This thesis, thus, seeks to fill a gap in the literature by asking clients about their experiences. The question that guided this research was, what are Christian clients’ lived experiences of praying in therapy sessions? A hermeneutic phenomenological approach to research (van Manen, 1990, 2014) was used to garner an in-depth understanding of the meaning of praying in therapy. Five Christian women were interviewed about their experiences (seven descriptions shared). From the descriptions participants gave, eight themes emerged: (1) seeking support through life’s valleys; (2) therapist guidance and support; (3) following and participating in prayer; (4) the sanctuary of prayer; (5) acknowledging and encountering the Light; (6) letting go and leaning on God; (7) clarity through prayer; and (8) walking into a new day. Significantly, all participants shared that praying with their therapist was part of their path to healing, especially as they encountered their therapist and God in prayer. Unlike the instrumental focus of prayer in the extent psychological literature, participants emphasized the relational and spiritual dimensions of prayer in their experiences. These findings support that praying can be meaningful and facilitate client healing in therapy when done with care. The findings also point to the fact that research and theory, within psychology, need to move beyond instrumental understandings of prayer. Keywords: praying, religion, spirituality, therapy, counselling CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING iii PREFACE This research was approved by Trinity Western University’s Research Ethics Board on December 22, 2016. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING iv TABLE OF CONTENTS ABSTRACT.................................................................................................................................... II PREFACE ..................................................................................................................................... III TABLE OF CONTENTS.............................................................................................................. IV LIST OF TABLES AND FIGURES ............................................................................................ IX ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ............................................................................................................X CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION ................................................................................................... 1 RESEARCH STATEMENT ............................................................................................................... 1 Historical Context ................................................................................................................... 1 Researcher Interest .................................................................................................................. 2 Ethics....................................................................................................................................... 3 Research Problem ................................................................................................................... 4 Scope of Research ................................................................................................................... 5 DEFINITIONS OF KEY CONSTRUCTS.............................................................................................. 5 SUMMARY OF INTRODUCTION ...................................................................................................... 6 OUTLINE OF THESIS ..................................................................................................................... 7 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW ........................................................................................ 8 RELIGIOUSNESS, SPIRITUALITY, AND PRAYER RESEARCH ........................................................... 8 Religiousness and Spirituality in Psychological Research ..................................................... 9 Prayer .................................................................................................................................... 11 Theoretical Models on Religiousness/Spirituality and Prayer .............................................. 18 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING v Limitations of Extant Psychological Theory and Research .................................................. 27 Disciplinary Approaches in the Study of Religion ............................................................... 30 INCORPORATING SPIRITUALITY IN THERAPY .............................................................................. 31 Integrating Religion and Spirituality in Therapy .................................................................. 32 Praying in Therapy................................................................................................................ 35 SUMMARY OF LITERATURE REVIEW .......................................................................................... 39 RATIONALE FOR THIS STUDY ..................................................................................................... 40 CHAPTER 3: METHODOLOGY ................................................................................................ 42 STUDY DESIGN: QUALITATIVE RESEARCH AND PHENOMENOLOGY ........................................... 42 PHENOMENOLOGY AS A PHILOSOPHY ........................................................................................ 43 Transcendental Phenomenology ........................................................................................... 44 Hermeneutic Phenomenology ............................................................................................... 44 Summary ............................................................................................................................... 46 HERMENEUTIC PHENOMENOLOGY AS A RESEARCH METHODOLOGY ......................................... 47 Introduction to van Manen’s Hermeneutic Phenomenology ................................................ 47 Rationale for Hermeneutic Phenomenological Approach .................................................... 49 Research Process: Hermeneutic Phenomenological Themes ............................................... 50 Research Process: Carrying Out the Research ...................................................................... 60 RIGOUR OF HERMENEUTIC PHENOMENOLOGICAL RESEARCH .................................................... 69 Balanced Integration ............................................................................................................. 71 Openness ............................................................................................................................... 71 Concreteness ......................................................................................................................... 72 Resonance ............................................................................................................................. 72 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING vi Actualization ......................................................................................................................... 73 SUMMARY OF METHODOLOGY ................................................................................................... 73 CHAPTER 4: RESEARCH FINDINGS....................................................................................... 75 PARTICIPANTS’ EXPERIENCES OF PRAYING IN THERAPY ............................................................ 75 Experiences Shared ............................................................................................................... 76 Summary of Experiences ...................................................................................................... 81 Similarities Between Experiences......................................................................................... 82 THEMES OF THE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF PRAYING IN THERAPY .................................................. 83 PHENOMENOLOGICAL TEXT ....................................................................................................... 84 Getting Out of the Wilderness: Seeking Support Through Life’s Valleys ........................... 87 Walking with You: Therapist Guidance and Support ........................................................... 91 You’re Doing Your Part: Following and Participating in Prayer ......................................... 95 From Wreck to Refuge: The Sanctuary of Prayer ................................................................ 97 Right Here: Acknowledging and Encountering the Light .................................................. 101 I’ve Got Your Back: Letting Go and Leaning on God ....................................................... 105 Scales Falling Away: Clarity through Prayer ..................................................................... 109 Journeying On: Walking into a New Day ........................................................................... 111 SUMMARY OF RESEARCH FINDINGS ......................................................................................... 114 CHAPTER 5: REFLEXIVITY ................................................................................................... 116 HOW THIS THESIS CAME TO BE ............................................................................................... 117 Before It All Began ............................................................................................................. 118 Choosing a Thesis Topic..................................................................................................... 119 Exploring Shame about Research Topic ............................................................................. 121 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING vii Exploring Struggles with Faith ........................................................................................... 122 FAITH AND THEOLOGICAL BELIEFS.......................................................................................... 125 Faith Development .............................................................................................................. 126 REFLEXIVITY ABOUT THE RESEARCH PROCESS ........................................................................ 127 Interviewing Participants .................................................................................................... 128 Data Analysis ...................................................................................................................... 134 Deepening Analysis ............................................................................................................ 145 Writing the Phenomenological Text ................................................................................... 157 SUMMARY OF REFLEXIVITY PROCESS ...................................................................................... 160 CHAPTER 6: DISCUSSION...................................................................................................... 162 REVIEW OF THIS RESEARCH..................................................................................................... 162 DISCUSSION OF FINDINGS ........................................................................................................ 164 Similar Findings .................................................................................................................. 165 Differences .......................................................................................................................... 168 New Contributions .............................................................................................................. 170 THEORETICAL IMPLICATIONS ................................................................................................... 179 Cognitive Models ................................................................................................................ 179 Attachment Theory ............................................................................................................. 181 Relational Prayer Model ..................................................................................................... 184 CLINICAL IMPLICATIONS .......................................................................................................... 193 Client Spirituality as a Holistic Approach to Therapy ........................................................ 193 Praying as an Authentic Encounter ..................................................................................... 195 The Paradox of Letting Go and Healing ............................................................................. 196 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING viii Ethical Considerations ........................................................................................................ 197 STRENGTHS AND LIMITATIONS ................................................................................................ 200 Strengths ............................................................................................................................. 201 Limitations .......................................................................................................................... 202 AREAS OF FUTURE RESEARCH ................................................................................................. 204 CONCLUSION............................................................................................................................ 206 REFERENCES ........................................................................................................................... 209 APPENDIX A: SOCIAL MEDIA ADVERTISEMENT............................................................ 225 APPENDIX B: POSTER ADVERTISEMENT ......................................................................... 226 APPENDIX C: SCREENING INTERVIEW QUESTIONS ...................................................... 227 APPENDIX D: INFORMED CONSENT FORM ...................................................................... 229 APPENDIX E: SEMI-STRUCTURED INTERVIEW GUIDE ................................................. 232 APPENDIX F: DEBRIEFING SCRIPT ..................................................................................... 234 APPENDIX G: THANK YOU LETTER ................................................................................... 235 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING ix LIST OF TABLES AND FIGURES Table 1: Summary of context of participants’ experiences of praying ..........................................81 Figure 1: Summarizing essential meanings during thematic analysis .........................................141 Figure 2: Grouping similar essential meanings together into themes ..........................................142 Figure 3: Exploring and comparing themes between participants ...............................................144 Figure 4: Grouping themes between participants ........................................................................145 Figure 5: The Relational Prayer Model .......................................................................................185 Figure 6: A holistic framework to understand prayer ..................................................................189 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING x ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS First and foremost, I would like to thank my husband, Erik Osness, for wholeheartedly supporting me through my Master’s degree and the completion of my thesis. You, of all people, get special thanks for the many fruitful conversations we had, your patience in teaching me about the intricacies of Microsoft Word, and your unrelenting confidence in me. This thesis would not be the same without your support and optimism. Second, I would like to thank my supervisor, Derrick Klaassen. Through this thesis, I appreciated your wisdom, patience, thoughtful feedback, and challenges. Your support and involvement through each phase was integral to making this thesis exists as it is today. I enjoyed and learned a lot from our many conversations. As an extension of that, I, too, want to thank the Existential and Spirituality lab at Trinity Western University. Our lab conversations were both a source of needed encouragement and help, especially as I worked on the beginning chapters of my thesis. I enjoyed getting to know you better through our discussions. I, especially, want to thank Janelle and Kristin. I do not know where I would be without your thoughtful insight and encouragement. Sheryl, thank you as well for your thoughtful feedback and encouragement as thesis came together. I really appreciated the breadth and depth of knowledge on prayer and qualitative research that you brought to our discussions. As a young researcher, I found your insight and experiences both informative and helpful to broadening my horizons! I would also like to thank the many friends, colleagues, and staff at Trinity Western University that supported me throughout this process. It was comforting to know that I had a community surrounding me through the many ups and downs. Marietta, especially, thank you for checking in on me and your unceasing encouragement—you never failed to make me laugh when I needed it most. Thank you, too, to friends and family for helping me advertise my research. Finally, I want to thank the five women who participated in this research. I appreciated your bravery, honesty, and authenticity as you shared about your experiences with me. Coming into this thesis, I expected to learn from you but this learning was so much more than I originally anticipated. Thank you for your candid openness. This research would not exist without your willingness to meet with me and share. This research was supported by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 1 CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION To begin this chapter, the main purpose of this thesis will be established, including a discussion of historical context and present relevance, including why this is an important area of research for myself1. I will then articulate the research problem and explore the scope of this research. To conclude, both prayer and therapy will be defined. Research Statement The purpose of this research study is to understand clients’ experiences of praying in therapy sessions. Broadly, this topic fits within an area of research that has grown rapidly in the last 30 years: integrating spirituality into therapy (Richards & Bergin, 2005). Historical Context This overview is not intended to be comprehensive but aims to highlight why integrating spirituality into therapy is a relatively new topic in counselling psychology. The development of modern scientific thought (in the 17 and 18th century) included philosophical assumptions of “naturalism, determinism, [and]…reductionism” (Richards & Bergin, 2005, p. 31). These assumptions were accepted by the developers of modern psychology, Sigmund Freud and John Watson, and applied to psychological theory. Thus, early psychological theory (psychoanalytic and behaviourism) was largely “deterministic, reductionistic and mechanistic” (Richards & Bergin, 2005, p. 40). The third force within psychology, the humanistic-existential movement (1950-60s), challenged the view that human experience could be reduced to natural laws. The advent of cognitive and systemic thinking in the 1970s continued to contest the reductionistic view of the person (Richards & Bergin, 2005). In the 1980s, multicultural psychology began to 1 In line with the research methodology used for this study, hermeneutic phenomenology, first-person voice is used throughout my thesis. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 2 gain popularity; this approach encouraged an awareness of human diversity in the counselling profession. With this development, religion “received much more attention in mainstream psychology and psychotherapy” (Richards & Bergin, 2005, p. 64). Subsequently, critical theories within psychology, which examine inequality and power dynamics, have continued to grow (see Gough, 2017, for a comprehensive review). Since spirituality is a relatively new topic in counselling psychology, there are many areas where research is needed. This includes understanding the experience of praying in therapy. Psychology and study of religion. It should be noted that, within psychology, there are currently diverse ways to approach and understand religion. Connolly (1999a) points out that the “harder” quantitative research includes behavioural, cognitive, and physiological methods while the “softer” qualitative research encompasses the psychodynamic, humanistic, and existential dimensions, as reflected in many psychotherapies. This research is situated within the applied, psychotherapy tradition of psychology. The research and literature cited in this thesis are, thus, predominantly from this field. It should, however, be noted that other sources, outside of psychology, inform the understanding of prayer brought forth in this thesis. Researcher Interest As a student in counselling psychology, my interest in praying in therapy emerged from my own tension about if and how spirituality, both for clients and therapists, could become part of the counselling process. This tension began when I did a psychology internship with youth during my undergraduate degree. At this placement, the youth readily shared about the meaning of their faith in the midst of the darkness of their lives. A client even started praying with me before I knew what was happening. While I knew and understood why faith, generally, and prayer, specifically, was important to these youth, I froze when religion and spirituality became CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 3 explicit (either through conversations or the one prayer experience). On one hand, this explicit inclusion of faith seemed wrong or riddled with potential problems. And yet, somewhere within, I knew that faith, spirituality, prayer, could have an important, meaningful part in healing—as a Christian, I knew this to be true in my own life. It was this tension that led me to reflect on and pursue research on praying in therapy. Ethics In line with the tension I felt, there are many ethical concerns to consider when spiritualty becomes an explicit part of therapy (Richards & Bergin, 2014). These ethical issues include dual relationships, undermining religious authority, therapists imposing their values/beliefs onto clients, lack of competency to integrate religiousness/spirituality into therapy, and lack of client consent for spiritual interventions (Gubi, 2009; Richards & Bergin, 2005). Praying in therapy poses unique issues including avoiding issues through prayer, blurred client-therapist boundaries, and reinforcing the power-differential between client and therapist, where therapists become an expert or religious authority to their clients (Gubi, 2004, 2009). It can, however, also be argued that spiritual interventions, like prayer, “demand the same degree of reflexivity and care that is required of good practice” (Gubi, 2008, p. 53). As a matter of fact, some consider it negligent to ignore clients’ religious and spiritual beliefs in counselling (Richards & Bergin, 2014). Indeed, the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association’s Standards of Practice (CCPA, 2015) delineate that respecting clients’ diversity includes therapists “incorporating such [religious/spiritual] beliefs into their counselling discourse with clients” (p. 27). Though this area of research is relatively new, there are many guidelines on how to ethically discuss and include spirituality and prayer in the counselling process (Magaletta & Brawer, 1998; Richards & Bergin, 2014). CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 4 Research Problem Thus far, research has focused on the efficacy and effectiveness of spiritual interventions in group therapy or integrating spirituality with pre-existing therapeutic techniques (Smith, Bartz, & Richards, 2007). There are, however, few studies on incorporating spiritual practices in individual therapy sessions. Past research indicates that some therapists include praying in therapy sessions (Gubi, 2009; Morrison, Clutter, Pritchett, & Demmitt, 2009; Weld & Eriksen, 2007a), though the ethics of this has been questioned (Richards & Bergin, 2005). Thus far, research has largely focused on therapists’ perspectives and experiences of praying (Miller & Chavier, 2013; Weld & Eriksen, 2007a) and the ethics of praying in therapy (Gubi, 2001, 2004, 2008, 2009; Magaletta & Brawer, 1998; Richards & Bergin, 1997). While this research has created needed discussion on the role of praying in therapy (which was previously neglected; Gubi, 2008; Richards & Bergin, 1997) the perspectives of those who matter the most are missed: clients (Gubi, 2009). Survey-based research suggests that some clients want to pray in therapy and some do pray in therapy, though little is known about their experiences (Weld & Eriksen, 2007a; Saenz & Waldo, 2013). The purpose of this research, thus, is to address a much needed gap in the literature: clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. In excluding clients’ experiences from the literature, it seems as though we, as researchers, value therapists’ perspectives and experiences more than clients – privileging one voice over another. As reflected in both of the Canadian ethical codes (CCPA, 2015; Canadian Psychological Association [CPA], 2017) and the extant literature on the ethics of praying in therapy (e.g., Gubi, 2008; Richards & Bergin, 2017), interventions, including spiritual practices like prayer, should be experienced by clients as beneficial. Without knowing how clients experience praying, we cannot truly know if praying with clients is beneficial or CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 5 ethical. Seeking clients’ experiences thus is crucial to understand whether and how praying has a place in therapy. While some research alludes to the value of praying for therapists (Gubi, 2008, 2009), this research seeks to understand what praying means to clients. Purposefully exploring clients’ experiences provides an opportunity to understand and include those who are impacted by praying in the process of therapy the most. Understanding clients’ experiences may help us, as researchers and practitioners, understand whether praying has a place in therapy and how and when praying may be beneficial. Scope of Research This research focuses specifically on Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. Christian clients were chosen for this study because research indicates that many Christian clients are interested in praying in therapy (Morrison et al., 2009; Weld & Eriksen, 2007a). A greater depth of understanding may also be gained through focusing on one religious affiliation. Because research has focused on group interventions and incorporating spirituality with preexisting techniques (Smith et al., 2007), this study seeks to expand upon this area by considering praying in individual therapy sessions. The present study will not include participants who have prayed outside of therapy sessions (as homework). Clients’ experiences of praying in therapy sessions will be the primary focus of this study. This study will also be limited to clients who are receiving counselling from registered professional counsellors; recipients of pastoral care will not be included. Definitions of Key Constructs In this study, prayer refers to any form of communication with God (Freedman, Myers, & Beck, 2000). It is important to note that prayer may take on many forms: silent or oral, linguistic or gestural. Prayer may be active, focused on talking with or to God (in cases of asking/thanking CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 6 God), or receptive (listening to God/meditation). Within this definition, praying does not just emphasize asking God for needs to be met. As Mason (2013) contends praying is understood as engaging with God “as part of a continuing relationship, rather than obtaining benefit” (p. 9). Praying thus is understood to be a moment of connection with God. That being said, I want to briefly note that other researchers define praying more broadly than I do in this thesis. Woodhead (2014), for example, highlights that people experience moments in their lives as prayer, without communication or God. She, instead, defines praying as a moment of changed state. With the scope of this research in mind (Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy), I defined and understood praying in a way that is consistent with the Christian faith of the participants in this research. Counselling and therapy are used interchangeably throughout this review. According to the Encyclopedia of Counseling (Leong, 2008), counselling is a “skilled activity that involves assisting others in managing and resolving psychological, emotional …and other personal challenges” (p. 119). The purpose of counselling is to help clients deal with difficult situations, promote well-being, and “prevent the development of more serious conditions” (Leong, 2008, p. 119). Psychological principles are utilized in therapy and are delivered through client-therapist conversations (Leong, 2008). Summary of Introduction In this chapter, I discussed why I chose to research clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. As indicated above, this research interest originated from personal experience, where I became aware of a tension about whether it is ‘right’ to pray with clients in mental health settings. This tension, too, is reflected in current discussion on whether and how praying can be ethical with clients. With a dearth of research on clients’ experiences, the purpose of this CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 7 research is to fill a needed gap in the literature on clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. In this chapter, I also situated this research within the field of psychology, discussed why I chose to focus on Christian clients’ experiences, specifically, and provided definitions for how praying and therapy were understood in this thesis. Outline of Thesis The subsequent chapters of this this thesis will further explore research on prayer in psychology, and detail the research process used to explore clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. More specifically, in Chapter 2 of this thesis, I will review research and theory, within both empirical and applied psychology, on religion and spirituality and prayer, as well as delineate the limitations of the extant psychological literature. Chapter 3 will describe the research methodology used to explore clients’ experiences of praying in therapy: hermeneutic phenomenology. I will detail how this research was carried out in this chapter. In Chapter 4, I share the research findings of this thesis, while Chapter 5 highlights my personal processes and reflections. I conclude this thesis, in Chapter 6, by discussing the key findings and theoretical and clinical implications of this research. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 8 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW In this chapter, I review the existing literature on two areas of research related to praying in therapy: The psychology of religion/spirituality (herein referred to R/S) and integrating R/S (prayer) into therapy. The first part of this review considers research on R/S and prayer. I will first address why it is important for the field of counselling psychology to consider R/S, focusing on the relationship between R/S and mental health. The importance of prayer, as a dimension of R/S, and its relevance to counselling psychology will then be explored. In this section of the review, I will define prayer and discuss research on the relationships between prayer and mental health. To conclude this section, theoretical frameworks for understanding R/S and prayer will be considered and the limitations of these models addressed. The second part of this review, integrating spirituality into therapy, will include a review of research on the inclusion of R/S and prayer in therapy. I will then briefly summarize research in this area and conclude this chapter by delineating the rationale for this research. Religiousness, Spirituality, and Prayer Research Before beginning this review, it is important to address why counselling professionals should consider clients’ religious beliefs and spirituality at all. First, professionals are likely to encounter clients with R/S beliefs in counselling. According to the 2011 census, 74.5% of Canadians reported belonging to a religious institution (Statistics Canada, 2011). Approximately two-thirds of this population identified as Christian. Second, addressing R/S beliefs in counselling is important because “religion and spirituality are important aspects of human diversity” (Richards & Bergin, 2014, p. 4). Indeed, the importance of being aware of clients’ R/S beliefs is established in both the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association’s (2007) and the Canadian Psychological Association’s (2017) Code of Ethics. More specifically, CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 9 the importance of recognizing R/S beliefs is subsumed under respecting client diversity (CCPA, 2007, sections A10 and B9) and respecting the dignity of the person (CPA, 2017, Principle I). Religiousness and spirituality are also shown to relate to mental health and well-being, further making it an important area for counselling professionals to consider. Before addressing the inclusion of R/S in counselling, it is important to understand what R/S encompasses and how beliefs and practices relate to mental health. Theoretical frameworks for understanding R/S will be examined at the end of this section with prayer research. Religiousness and Spirituality in Psychological Research While there is increasing interest in the psychology of religion, there is no consensus on how to define and distinguish religiousness and spirituality from one another (Paloutzian & Park, 2005). Zinnbauer and Pargament (2005) contend that religiousness and spirituality both relate to a “search for the sacred” (p. 35) which ultimately provides humans with significance. In this case, significance “refers to a valued, meaningful, or ultimate concerns” (p. 33) in life, while sacred encompasses “God, higher powers, [or] transcendent beings” (p. 34). Generally, religiousness and spirituality are differentiated by the context in which they are situated. Religiousness tends to be associated with an identifiable group who hold certain beliefs and engage in certain behaviours and rituals (Greenfield, Vaillant, & Marks, 2009). Spirituality, instead, is conceptualized as being “personal, subjective, and experiential” (Hill et al., 2000). Prayer is considered to be both religious and spiritual (Greenfield et al., 2009). From these definitions, it is evident that religiousness and spirituality are not mutually exclusive. As a matter of fact, it is debated whether religiousness is part of spirituality, or spirituality is subsumed under religious belief (Zinnbauer & Pargament, 2005). It is difficult to interpret and compare results between research studies because R/S is operationalized in diverse CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 10 ways. Research studies, for example, tend to measure elements of both religiousness and spirituality in relation to mental health (Exline, Yali, & Sanderson, 2000; Freeze & DiTommaso, 2014; Harris et al., 2008). Based on the overlap between religiousness and spirituality, both will be referred to throughout this literature review. Religiousness/spirituality and mental health. For better or for worse, dimensions of R/S have been shown to correlate with measures of mental health. Ano and Vasconcelles (2005), for example, sought to explore how R/S factors impacted the ability to cope with negative life events through reviewing research in this area. Forty-nine studies were included in their meta-analysis. Religious/spiritual “coping” and outcomes, in each study, were designated as being either positive or negative. Participants in the included studies were predominantly Christian (87%). Overall, three effect sizes were significant: positive religious coping was related to positive adjustment and negatively correlated with negative adjustment, and negative religious coping was related to negative adjustment. Many studies have considered both the positive and negative impact of R/S on a variety of mental health concerns, including trauma symptoms (Harris et al., 2008; Harris, Erbes, Winskowski, Engdahl, & Nguyen, 2014), depression (Bjorck & Thurman, 2007; Eliassen, Taylor, & Lloyd, 2005; Exline et al., 2000), and suicidality (Exline et al., 2000). Bjorck and Thurman (2007), for instance, found that using R/S to cope in positive ways (examples: reappraise event, seeking the support of clergy) moderated the relationship between negative life events and depression in Protestant-Christian participants. Exline et al. (2000), however, found that experiencing religious strain (holding beliefs of fear and guilt, feeling alienated from God) significantly predicted depression in both university students and psychotherapy patients. Feelings of fear and guilt also significantly predicted suicidality in the sample of psychotherapy CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 11 patients. In Ellison and Fan’s (2008) survey of American adults, positive spiritual experiences (connection with God, feeling at peace, etc.) correlated with many measures of well-being, but did not relate to psychological distress. Because the relationship between R/S and mental health is complex, it is important that researchers consider the impact of multiple factors. Freeze and DiTammaso (2014), for example, explored the relationships between R/S, attachment to God, and emotional distress in BaptistChristians (N = 185). They found that attachment to God predicted religiousness-spirituality (compilation of behaviours, religious motivation, and fulfillment with prayer) in participants, which predicted the emotional distress experienced by participants. Because this sample was only Baptist and from one Canadian province, these results may not generalize to other populations. Furthermore, other variables that may have influenced attachment to God or R/S, like negative life events, were not controlled for in this study. Conclusions on R/S and well-being. From the research presented above, it appears as though R/S impacts mental health and well-being through a variety of pathways. As indicated in the study by Freeze and DiTammaso (2014), this relationship is not simplistic and multiple variables should be measured to garner a better understanding of this relationship. It is important to note that all of the included studies were cross-sectional and correlational, which limits the interpretation and potential application of the results. These studies also relied on self-report questionnaires, which may not accurately reflect participants’ experiences of R/S in their lives. Prayer Among all the spiritual practices that can be included in therapy, why focus on prayer? After all, prayer seems to be included less frequently in therapy than other R/S elements (Smith et al., 2007) and is often considered ethically contentious (Gubi, 2008; Richards & Bergin, CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 12 2005). Praying may be important to include in therapy, first, because prayer is a part of many Canadians’ lives. Recently, the Angus Reid Institute (2016) conducted a survey asking Canadians about their daily prayer activities. Forty-two percent of Canadians reported that they prayed daily and another 44% said they prayed monthly. The most common reasons why Canadians prayed were to “thank God (70%) and ask for help (70%)” (p. 1). I also wanted to focus on praying, specifically, because prayer is a significant part of faith, particularly in monotheistic religions—it is a way that humans connect and commune with God, whether individually or corporately. In line with this study’s focus on Christian participants, a Christian understanding of prayer was adopted for this research, further defined and explored below. Finally, there are many research studies that indicate that praying influences mental health. As a future mental health professional, this research points to the fact that praying, both inside and outside of therapy, may contribute to clients’ well-being. Research on prayer and mental health is more explicitly reviewed below. The Christian faith and prayer. Praying, in its diverse forms, is part of Christian faith at many levels: individually, in multiple contexts and spaces; with others, whether small groups (like family and friends) or large (studies, praying at staff meetings); and corporately, in church services with other attendees. Within the Bible, there are many verses that refer to praying or how to pray: the joy and lamentations of the Psalms, Jesus teaching the Lord’s prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), and encouragement to petition to God for needs and struggles (e.g., Matthew 26:41, James 5:13), to name a few. While there are many forms and types of prayers, prayer is commonly and consistently defined as an “indispensable part of our [Christians] fellowship with God” (Horton, 2011, p. 785; see also Freedman et al., 2000, and Spilka & Ladd, 2013 for similar definitions). Prayer is the space or moment that Christians enter explicitly into a relationship CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 13 with God, the One “who welcomes us home: home to serenity and peace and joy, home to friendship and fellowship and openness, home to intimacy and acceptance and affirmation” (Foster, 2008, p. 1). Praying, whether angry doubts or open receptivity, is about engaging with God. In doing so, prayer helps build “an enduring, continuing, growing love relationship with…God” (Foster, 2008, p. 3). Christians engage and take part in a relationship, not only with God but, at times, with their larger community of faith (Palmer, 1983). There is a temptation to view prayer only as an “act of intellect, a well phrased message to God…[where] everything depends on our frail capacity to articulate what we know” (Palmer, 1983, p. 125). While this can certainly be a Christian’s experience of prayer at times, this understanding of prayer emphasizes human action too much: prayer becomes an instrumental action, where God is manipulated to fit human needs (Foster, 2008; Palmer, 1983). Praying, as a means of relationship with God, is more than just human words or actions. Palmer (1983) offers an alternative understanding of prayer, defining prayer as a relational experience: Prayer is our capacity to enter into that vast community of life in which self and other, human and nonhuman, visible and invisible, are intricately intertwined…In prayer, I no longer set myself from others and the world, manipulating them to suit my needs. Instead, I reach for relationship, allow myself to feel the tuggings of mutuality and accountability, take my place in community by knowing the transcendent center that connects it all. On the other side, prayer means opening myself to the fact that as I reach for that connecting center, the center is reaching for me…In prayer, I not only address the love at the core of all things; I listen as that love addresses me, calling me out of isolation and self-centeredness into community and compassion. In prayer, I being to realize that I not only know but am known. (p. 11) CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 14 With Palmer’s (1983) understanding in mind, I believe there is wisdom in Foster’s (2008) contention that however we pray, however we are, is enough in any moment to be with God in prayer; this relationship, after all, does not just depend on our capacities and actions. Indeed, many theologians contend that God receives and engages with us in prayer, whether or not we are able to see or experience this relationship tangibly in the moment (Foster, 2008; Horton, 2011). Praying in this thesis, thus, is defined simply as a moment of God engaging with us, and us engaging with God (whether talking, listening, or being) as we are and as we can. Humility and openness may lead to a certain richness or depth in our relationship with God (as explicated in Palmer’s definition above). At its core, prayer is not just about what we say or do, an individual endeavour or coping technique, but is relational and reciprocal. As alluded to above, there are many forms and expressions of prayer, just as humans engage and partake in relationships with others in diverse ways. Prayer typologies. There are many forms and types of prayer that are practiced within the Christian tradition, whether prayed individually or corporately. It is important to note that prayer is not just limited to linguistic communication but also encompasses physical movements and meditation (Freedman et al., 2000). This is reflected in the many conceptualizations of prayer brought forth by psychologists and sociologists who have asked people about how they pray. Most research on prayer types tends to be with predominantly Christian samples. Sociologists Poloma and Pendleton (1991), for instance, found four types of prayer in their factor analytic study (80% Christian sample): colloquial, petitionary, ritualized, and meditative. Colloquial prayer encompasses casually conversing with God, which may include asking God for help. Petitionary prayer occurs when one asks for concrete materials for themselves or others. Memorized prayers or prayers read from books are referred to as ritualized prayer. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 15 Meditative prayer occurs when one adores/worships God and sits reflectively in silence (Poloma & Pendleton, 1991). Laird, Snyder, Rapoff, and Green (2004) used a different conceptualization of prayer and found five types of prayer in their factor analytic study (79% Christian sample). Adoration prayer focuses on praising and worshipping God. In confession prayer, one acknowledges their faults/shortcomings. Supplication prayer occurs when one asks for intervention for themselves or others. Thanksgiving prayer encompasses being thankful for certain circumstances, and receptive prayer occurs when one waits for “wisdom, understanding, or guidance” (Laird et al., 2004, p. 252). In these conceptualizations, prayer is both active (asking for guidance, praising God) and receptive (listening, feeling God’s presence). Certain types of prayers may be expressed linguistically (asking/thanking God), while other forms of prayer may be done in silence or through gestural expression (thanksgiving, receptive prayers). These conceptualizations are criticized for not including prayers of anger and frustration (Ladd & Spilka, 2013). Adopting Foster’s (2008) understanding of prayer in multiple relational dimensions, Ladd and Spilka (2002) organized prayer types, broadly, as being: inward (self-examination), outward (focused on relationships with others), and upward (relationship with God). Within this typology, there is room for anger and upset with God (inward prayers), while also including typologies of prayer included in other models (e.g., meditation and contemplation are considered an upward prayer). In their factor analytic study (74% Christian sample), there was support for outward and upward dimensions of prayer; inward dimensions were present, though typically attached to the outward or upward dimensions. Regardless, Ladd and Spilka’s typology (2002) offers another way to understand the many types of prayer. Whether individually or with others, praying may take on diverse ways of being in a relationship with God. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 16 Prayer and mental health. Many studies have examined the relationship between prayer and mental health in diverse samples. Therapists, therefore, may also want to consider the role of prayer in their clients’ lives. Cooper, Thayer, and Waldstein (2014) investigated if prayer helped African-American woman cope with racism-related stress. Participants who reported using prayer to cope (49% of the sample) had a lower physiological stress response after being asked to remember an experience of racism. Participants also reported lower levels of subjective stress. One major limitation of this study is that participants did not pray during the experiment; it is, therefore, difficult to ascertain if prayer, itself, related to lower levels of stress. Harris et al. (2010) investigated if certain types of prayer relate to posttraumatic growth in trauma survivors. Participants were Christians who reported experiencing at least one traumatic event. Praying for calm and focus significantly predicted posttraumatic growth in trauma survivors, except when interpersonal trauma (sexual/physical violence) was experienced. Using Laird et al.’s (2004) typology, Whittington and Scher (2010) investigated if prayer types predicted well-being in participants (N = 430) from diverse faith traditions. Prayers of thanksgiving and reception predicted higher levels of well-being. Prayers of confession, however, predicted lower levels of self-esteem and optimism. It is important to consider that these measures were taken at one time. Prayers of confession may have a positive influence over time depending on what one believes about their prayers. Unfortunately, this study did not assess if the relationship between well-being measures and prayer type differed by faith traditions or over time. This study brings forth an important limitation of this area of research: clients’ experiences of praying may have differed. These experiences, however, could not be captured using Likert-scale, self-report measures. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 17 Instead of focusing on prayer types, Krause (2009) investigated the impact of prayer beliefs on depressive symptoms in adults 66 years and older. Prayer beliefs were considered trust-based if participants believed God answered prayers in their best interests. Prayer beliefs were found to moderate the relationship between childhood trauma and depressive symptoms. This study was limited because the frequency/impact of traumatic events was not measured. In a subsequent study, Krause and Hayward (2014) sought to uncover the relationship between trustbased prayer beliefs and self-esteem in older Mexican American adults. Feeling close to God predicted trust-based prayer beliefs, which in turn predicted higher self-esteem. In addition to exploring the impact of trust-based prayer beliefs, Krause and Hayward’s (2014) study also addressed the relational aspect of R/S, through considering how close one feels to God. Along a similar vein, Jeppsen, Pössel, Black, Bjerg, and Wooldridge (2015) investigated if feeling close to God mediated the relationship between prayer types (using Poloma & Pendleton's, 1991, prayer types) and psychological distress in participants (N = 330; 91% Christian), who were recruited using social media. Petitionary prayer predicted higher levels of psychological distress, with no mediation. The relationship between colloquial and meditative prayer and psychological distress was mediated through closeness to God (partial for colloquial prayer). Jeppsen et al. (2015) speculated that colloquial and meditative prayer facilitate two-way communication, which leads one to feel closer to God. Feeling close to God, in turn, may have a positive impact on mental health. Petitionary prayer may be more self-focused, which does not foster a sense of closeness with God. Only recruiting participants online restricts this study to participants who have the ability or resources to access the internet. Conclusions on prayer and mental health. The results of the aforementioned studies suggest that prayer may influence mental health and well-being. While most studies support that CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 18 prayer can be used as a way to cope with life difficulties (Cooper et al., 2014; Harris et al., 2010; Krause, 2009), the results of Jeppsen et al.’s (2015) study also indicate that prayer can help people feel closer to God. As with research on R/S, it should be noted that almost all studies (excluding Cooper et al., 2014) were cross-sectional and correlational. Participants in these studies were predominantly female as well. Though not mentioned as a limitation in any of these studies, operationalizing prayer may not reflect what praying means to participants. Krause’s (2009) study, for example, conceptualized prayer only based on beliefs. Whittington and Scher (2010) relied on the reported frequency of prayer-types, which were described to participants. It is debatable whether these measures can represent and reflect participants’ experiences of praying. With these limitations in mind, however, it is important to remember that praying may influence well-being, physically, mentally, and spiritually (as in closeness with God) for better or for worse. For this reason, it may be important for therapists to understand the significance of prayer in their clients’ lives, even if not incorporated explicitly in the therapeutic context. Theoretical Models on Religiousness/Spirituality and Prayer In empirical psychological literature, R/S has predominantly been considered a way to cope with difficult life circumstances (Gall & Guirguis-Younger, 2013; Harris et al., 2008; Pargament, 1997). The most commonly cited understanding of R/S, within psychology, is cognitive (Gall & Guirguis-Younger, 2013), which focuses on the role of religion in shaping or changing appraisals of situations (James & Wells, 2003). This model has been applied to prayer as well (Maltby, Lewis, & Day, 2008). A related cognitive model focuses on the importance of R/S as a meaning-making system (Park, 2005, 2007). An alternative of these models, which encapsulates more of a relational focus is Granqvist and Kirkpatrick’s (2016) application of attachment theory to a religious person’s relationship with God; prayer is viewed as a means in CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 19 which God can be accessed. Theoretical models of prayer are relatively new, and thus still developing (Ladd & Spilka, 2013). Many empirical articles have either focused on the relationship between prayer and mental health or creating a multidimensional conceptualization of prayer, without any theoretical framework (Ladd & Spilka, 2013; Maltby et al., 2008). There are many emerging models of prayer, though more research in this area is needed. As mentioned, both cognitive and attachment understandings of R/S and prayer exist within psychology; these will be further discussed below. A promising alternative to these models, The Relational Prayer Model (Baesler, 2002; Baesler, Lindvall, & Lauricella, 2011) will then be examined. This section will conclude with a discussion on the limitations of current understandings of prayer in the extant psychological literature. Cognitive behavioural framework for religion and mental health. James and Wells (2003) proposed a cognitive-behavioural model for explaining the association between religion and mental health. In this model R/S works through two mechanisms: (1) R/S acts as a mental schema, and (2) R/S helps with self-regulation. Having a religious framework (or schema) influences the appraisals people have towards life events. More simply put, the content of our beliefs may impact how we understand our life circumstances. James and Wells (2003) also propose that religious behaviours may impact “individuals’ attention to internal events” (p. 369). It is possible that religious beliefs may attenuate focus on negative thoughts, worsening mental health, or help one shift attention away from negative thoughts. While viewing R/S as a framework has received empirical support, there is less research to support the self-regulation hypothesis (Gall & Guirguis-Younger, 2013; James & Wells, 2003). Cognitive model of prayer. Maltby et al. (2008) proposed that prayer may act as a coping mechanism, using James and Wells’ (2003) cognitive model. First, prayer may be an CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 20 interpretive framework, which enables one to make sense of life experiences and foster meaning and purpose. Second, prayer may help one self-regulate through “reducing self-focus, worry, and stress” (Maltby et al., 2008, p. 120). To test these suppositions, Maltby et al. (2008) sought to discover if there was a relationship between prayer types, experiences of prayer, and mental health. Both the experience of prayer (felt inspired/presence of God) and meditative prayer predicted better mental health in participants. Maltby et al. (2008) suggest that the experience of prayer may help one make sense of life experiences, which falls under the first mechanism of James and Wells’ (2003) model. Meditative prayer, on the other hand, may act as a form of selfregulation reducing worry and rumination, in accordance with the second mechanism. Ladd and Spilka (2013) contend that Harris et al.'s (2010) study fits within this framework. Krause (2009) also speculated that people may make sense of traumatic experiences through developing trustbased beliefs, which would also fit with Maltby et al.’s (2008) description of prayer experience. Meaning-making model (R/S). Another cognitive framework for understanding the relationship between R/S and mental health is Park’s (2005, 2007) meaning-making model. This model is an outgrowth of Park and Folkman’s (1997) meaning-making model for coping (further elaborated on by Park, 2010). The main tenets of this model are: (1) humans have a global meaning system that “provides them with interpretive framework with which to interpret their experiences and with motivation” (Park, 2010, p. 257); (2) situations where global meaning is challenged must be appraised (called appraised meaning); meaning is ascribed through the appraisal process; (3) distress is experienced to the degree the appraised meaning differs from one’s global meaning; and (4) people purposefully try to make meaning out of challenging situations to reduce the discrepancy between the global and appraised meanings; doing so helps create a consistent, meaningful perspective on life (Park, 2010). It is expected that people will CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 21 cope better with stressful life events if the meaning-making process helps resolve the discrepancy between the appraised and global beliefs; I direct readers to Park’s (2010) article should they be interested about the specifics of this process. It is important to highlight that the global meaning system consists of beliefs, goals, and subjective feelings, which may intersect with religious beliefs. In this model, beliefs are the lens through which people make sense of their world. Goals encompass the states that people want to reach or maintain, and feelings consist of the sense of meaningfulness one has (Park, 2010). As noted above, religion is subsumed under the global meaning system in the meaningmaking model (Park, Edmondson, & Hale-Smith, 2013). Park et al. (2013) contend that religion provides a framework for people to understand their life experiences and suffering, while also helping people feel in control of their lives (Park et al., 2013). Park (2007) suggests that holding R/S beliefs impacts the global meaning system to varying degrees, depending on how firmly religious beliefs are held. As mentioned above, stress occurs when the appraised meaning of a situation conflicts with the global meaning system. People cope when they either change part of their global meaning system or the “appraised meaning of the stressor” (Park, 2005, p. 709). In the case of religion, this would mean changing the beliefs one holds (global meaning) or finding a way to fit or reconcile negative experiences with religious beliefs. Unfortunately, there is no indication of how praying, or other spiritual practices, may fit within the meaning-making model. The role of R/S, as meaning-making in coping, however, has been supported by subsequent empirical studies (Krok, 2015; Wnuk & Marcinkowski, 2014). Attachment theory. Attachment theory, a well-researched and established psychological theory, has been used to understand the relationship humans have with God. Attachment theory was initially developed as an alternative to psychoanalytic theory (in the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 22 1940s), which prevailed up until that point. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth paved the way for the plethora of research on attachment theory today (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016)2. One of the main tenets of attachment theory is that human behaviour is organized by an attachment system, which is activated in times of actual or perceived distress. This neurological system prompts one to seek an attachment figure, a person who provides comfort and support, for protection. An attachment figure is someone who is: (1) desired to be close in times of distress; (2) a safe haven – a reliable support; and (3) a secure base – a stable presence that creates a sense of safety, which facilitates exploration (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Distress is triggered when there is actual or perceived separation from an attachment figure. Both children and adults will seek proximity to primary attachment figures in times of distress; how one seeks proximity, however, will look different at different developmental levels (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Significantly, Bowlby espoused that dependency with others is healthy and needed, especially in times of loss, pain, and distress; healthy autonomy develops partly from “internalizing positive interactions with attachment figures” (p. 11). Representations of self and other are developed as the attachment system is used over time (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Attachment theory and God. With the main tenets of attachment theory in mind, I now turn to how attachment theory has been applied to the human-God relationship3. Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016) contend that the human-God relationship meets the criteria for an attachment relationship and “hence functions psychologically much as other attachments do” (p. 917). Similar to other relationships, a relationship with God can be experienced as personal and 2 The summary of Bowlby’s research and the tenets he developed are discussed in Mikulincer and Shaver (2016), well known attachment researchers. Should a more comprehensive review of attachment theory be desired, I recommend this book. 3 Bowlby never theorized this, himself. Rizzuto (1979) first noted that young children develop a representation of God as a safe haven (Granqvist & Kirkpatrick, 2016). CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 23 interactive. The central attachment processes, thus, can be applied to one’s relationship with God (Granqvist & Kirkpatrick, 2016). The first attachment process, seeking and maintaining proximity to an attachment figure, can be seen in religion in many ways, including going to worship and praying. Praying, especially, seems like the primary way that people maintain closeness with God (Granqvist & Kirkpatrick, 2016). Like many authors in this area, Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016) speculate that receptive forms of prayer help people feel close with God. Secondly, Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016) contend that God can be a safe haven in times of distress. Praying, especially, is one way that people can turn towards God for comfort. Finally, God may also be experienced as a secure base, which helps people explore the world around them; praying is not noted as a part of this process. Unlike other attachment figures, however, Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016) argue that God (whether in Christianity or other monotheistic religions) is believed to be omniscient and omnipresent and, thus, real separation cannot occur. An attachment perspective on R/S and praying overcomes some of the limitations of cognitive understandings. Instead of viewing religion only as a way to make sense of the world, relational dimensions are better captured within attachment theory. For the sake of this thesis, an attachment framework opens up some understanding as to why praying may be sought within the context of therapy, especially if God is a safe haven and secure base for clients. Because prayer has not been well-researched as part of attachment theory, this theoretical understanding was not adopted as the primary model for this thesis. It is also important to note that Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016) only speak of God as a representation, not a reality, in conjunction with attachment theory. It was, thus, important to find a theoretical model that embraced God as an ontological reality, not just something humans create. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 24 Relational prayer model. A promising proposed framework for prayer, developed within the field of Communications, is the Relational Prayer Model (RPM; Baesler, 1997, 2002; Baesler et al., 2011). This model is broader than current psychological theory because it emphasizes the interaction between human and God (through prayer), instead of focusing on only on the individual. In the RPM, praying is considered to be a relationship—not just an intrapersonal event. For Christianity and many other world religions, this model provides an understanding of praying that is not self-focused, which fits much better with theological understandings of prayer (Baesler, 2012). The main tenet underlying this model is that prayer is similar to interpersonal communication in many ways. First, praying “presupposes a relationship between the Christian and…God” (Baesler, 1997, p. 8). Second, like communication with others, praying is a purposeful form of communication; it is assumed that people pray for many reasons. Third, praying reflects diverse forms of communication, which includes: (1) orienting oneself to God; (2) talking/listening to God; (3) talking with God; and (4) experiencing the presence of God (Baesler, 1997, 1999). Finally, Baesler contends, that like communication with others, praying leads to some kind of effect, whether tangible or within the relationship. In this model, Baesler (1999) speculates that prayer may start as active (focused on human activity; e.g., asking God for something) and transition to receptive forms of prayer. Receptive prayers are “characterized by a contemplative attitude of openness, receptivity, and surrender, resulting in experiences ranging from peaceful/quiet to rapture/ecstasy” (Baesler, 2002, p. 59). That being said, Baesler et al. (2011) indicated that people may pray in both ways within or between prayer periods. Within this model, Baesler (1999) suggested that transitional variables, such as experiencing difficult life circumstances, may prompt one to rely upon God and consequently become closer with God. With growing intimacy, one may shift to receptive CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 25 prayer. Baesler (2002) also speculated that the “believer’s relationship with God develops with increases in the breadth (type of prayer) and depth…of prayer” (p. 60). Closeness to God is, therefore, both built and sustained by prayer. In the most recent version of the model (Baesler et al., 2011, Figure 1, p. 193), Baesler extended the model to include factors that may influence how one prays, including age, gender, relationships with friends and family who are spiritual and religious, and media sources. Baesler et al. (2011) also added that praying may have an effect on physical, mental, and/or spiritual health. Research on model. In the last twenty years, Baesler has researched multiple aspects of the RPM; this research is delineated below. Development from active to receptive prayers. Based on his model, Baesler (2002) predicted that older adults would feel closer with God because they tend to pray more receptively than young adults. In accordance with this supposition, Baesler (2002) found that middle-aged participants (aged 34-65) reported more relational intimacy with God and receptive prayer than young adults (aged 18-34). Unlike his prediction, relational intimacy with God was predicted by prayers of adoration, not receptive forms of prayer. Effect of context of prayer on health. In a 2009 study by Baesler and Ladd, praying alone and in large groups best predicted higher levels of spiritual health in a university aged population. Baesler and Ladd (2009) speculated that praying alone facilitated a contemplative space (e.g., quiet, still) leading to a closer relationship with God, while large group prayer may have helped participants feel more connected to their faith community and, thus, with God. Mental health of participants was positively correlated with family and large group prayer. Unlike other prayer contexts, participants indicated that they were more likely to pray for physical and mental health with those they felt close with (e.g., friends and family). Praying for CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 26 mental health was the least common in all the health categories, perhaps, because of the stigma associated with mental illness (Baesler & Ladd, 2009). It is important to note that Baesler and Ladd (2009) asked participants about praying with or for others—not receiving prayers, themselves. Considering that outcomes focused on participants, it is possible that the results would have been different if participants received the prayer, themselves. Exploring antecedents of prayer and health. In their 2011 study, which considered how media and interpersonal relationships affect prayer type and outcome, Baesler et al. found that frequency of private prayer best predicted spiritual health. Private prayer, in turn, was predicted by media and interpersonal sources (most commonly, family and religious leader). This lends support to the supposition that individual prayer is influenced by outside sources, including relationships with others. A majority of this sample was under 35 years of age (71%), while the remaining sample was 35-66 years old. While this study illuminates the impact of outside sources on individual prayer, it did not consider how prayer type may influence spiritual health. Conclusions on the RPM. The RPM has been criticized for being unclear about prayer typologies, as well as focusing too much on human prayer activity (Sigler, 2015). While these are valid criticisms, this model was adopted as a way in which to understand prayer for this thesis for many reasons. First, the RPM offers a more nuanced understanding of prayer than current psychological theory. Praying is not viewed as something that simply happens within the individual, but encompasses a relationship with the Divine. The RPM moves beyond conceptualizing praying as an individual coping resource to focusing on what it means to communicate with God. Second, outcomes of praying include physical, mental, and spiritual health, which encompasses a much more holistic focus than the extant psychological literature, which predominantly considers how R/S and prayer influences mental and physical health. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 27 Including spiritual health as part of this framework is especially important as it speaks to a relational dimension of health (relationship with God), instead of simply psychological factors. Third, the RPM specifically and purposefully delineates that praying is influenced by other factors, including relationships with others. While this does not quite capture the moment of praying with others (as in praying in therapy), it does point to the fact that understandings and experience of praying may be influenced by one’s context. As noted, the RPM provides a way to understand prayer that is much broader than current psychological theory. It is possible, too, that this research may actually enhance and inform dimensions of the RPM; Baesler and Ladd (2009) contend that qualitative research on the RPM would be beneficial. Limitations of Extant Psychological Theory and Research Within the psychology of religion, cognitive frameworks are the most common way to understand religiousness and spirituality, both in daily life and in difficult life circumstances (Gall & Guirguis-Younger, 2013). The cognitive models, presented above, view R/S as a framework in which people make sense of their world. Though this is a useful, convenient way to understand the psychology of religion, it is limited. Research tends to focus on discovering the relationship between R/S dimensions (including praying) and physical and mental health (Gall & Guirguis-Younger, 2013; Ladd & Spilka, 2013). As such, R/S and praying are often viewed as a way to help people cope. The psychology of religion, in general, has been criticized for reducing R/S to an explanation or technique—not a central part of human experience (Pargament, Magyar-Russell, & Murray-Swank, 2005; Pargament, Mahoney, Exline, Jones, & Shafranske, 2013; Richards & Bergin, 2005). Pargament et al. (2005) argue that “there is something unique about religion in and of itself” (p. 680). Theory and research on prayer, similarly, helps build an understanding of prayer but is reductionist. Conceptualizing prayer (or CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 28 any element of R/S) in fully psychological terms disregards the essence of spiritual practices and beliefs because they are relegated to being a tool (Pargament, 2002). The limitations discussed above reflect significant issues within the psychology of religion that are worth commenting on. The first issue, brought forth by Slife and Reber (2012), is that the scientific tradition is based upon instrumentalism and operationalism, which moves researchers away from what they intend to study. As reflected in the literature above, both prayer and R/S are predominantly studied using quantitative methods. Instrumentalism “emphasizes means-ends reasoning” (Slife & Reber, 2012, p. 736), meaning that religious beliefs and practices are conceptualized only by their beneficial use. This is prevalent in both the empirical literature and theoretical models exploring R/S and prayer as a coping “tool” as mentioned above. Operationalism occurs when scientifically unobservable behaviours/practices (like the experience of prayer) are defined by either observable behaviours (frequency) or agreement with questionnaire items (Slife & Reber, 2012). Slife and Reber (2012) argue that operationalizing R/S and prayer moves researchers further away from participants’ experiences. Participants’ experiences of R/S and praying may not be accurately captured with self-report, Likert scales, which focus only upon the utility of these practices, not other dimensions. Second, Slife and Reber (2009) point out that underlying both the issues of instrumentalism and operationalism is the fact that psychologist researchers tend to “presume that is it possible to discover and explain psychological findings in ways that are true to both the naturalism of traditional science and the theism of many religions” (p. 66). The so-called ‘neutral’ findings and theoretical explanations of religious and spiritual phenomena, provided within psychology, actually exclude the supernatural, what cannot be proven—including God. The cognitive theories cited above, for example, do not consider the lived, ontological reality of CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 29 the spiritual life for Christians (and other theistic religions). Within these theories, and most research done on the coping benefits of religion and spirituality, there is no need for researchers to consider whether God is real (Slife & Reber, 2009). Instead, conceptions of ‘God’, or ‘religion’, or ‘spirituality’ or ‘prayer’ are conveniently functional. Through the naturalist assumption that a definitive truth can be found, psychological researchers readily explain religious and spiritual phenomena independent of theism (Slife & Reber, 2009). For people of faith, however, praying and God are not simply coping techniques, staying only within in them but are a real, relationship. Slife and Reber (2009), thus, point out that research in psychology, by training to remain ‘neutral’ and ‘objective’, actually excludes a theistic worldview. As Reimer-Kirkham (2014) contends of nursing research, there is a real risk that we, as researchers and practitioners, may exclude and overlook the significance of religion and spirituality by not fully engaging these areas in our scholarly discourse. As a result, we may “inadvertently marginaliz[e] those members of society, often newcomers to Northern nations, who hold to religion as a way of life” (Reimer-Kirkham, 2014, p. 250). If we, as researchers, want to accurately understand and represent participants’ experiences, it is important to move beyond simple, convienient understanding of praying, spirituality, and religion in our research. Future directions in psychology. With these limitations in mind, there are many ways research in this area can be expanded upon. First, a more comprehensive understanding of R/S could be achieved through collaboration with other fields, including religious studies, sociology, and the medical field (Baesler, 2012; Pargament et al., 2005). As seen above, the definition of prayer is tied to relationship: prayer is a way humans connect and converse with God (Horton, 2011; Spilka & Ladd, 2013). Praying, therefore, cannot be disconnected from the meaning of being in relation with God. As a fundamental aspect of the Christian faith (Freedman et al., CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 30 2000), praying is inherently meaningful—not just functional. Praying, thus, should not simply be viewed as a coping technique, but as a real relationship between believer and God. As noted above, Baesler’s RPM was adopted as the theoretical framework used to understand prayer in this study, in part, because it is consistent with a theistic worldview. Second, research outside of empirical psychology needs to be conducted. Instead of simply focusing on quantifying R/S and prayer, these experiences need to be studied holistically. Qualitative research may be a more appropriate way to understand the meaning of R/S and prayer, keeping true to participants’ experiences (Pargament et al., 2013; Slife & Reber, 2012). Acknowledging the limitations of this area, Pargament et al. (2013) argue that through “qualitative investigations, applied psychologist are well positioned to identify new phenomena and hypotheses that deserve further study” (p. 9). It is important to note that empirical research has made valuable contributions thus far. It is, however, important to value and honour other ways of knowing and understanding the world (Richards & Bergin, 2005; Slife & Reber, 2012). Disciplinary Approaches in the Study of Religion To conclude this section, it is important to highlight that religion and spirituality have not only been studied within psychology but many other fields. Indeed, many other disciplinary approaches to studying religion and spirituality have existed much longer than psychology. Other approaches that seek to study and understand religion are: anthropological, sociological, feminist, philosophical, phenomenological (as a philosophy, not a human science method), and theological. For a review of each disciplinary approach, I encourage readers to review Connolly’s (1999b) Approaches to the Study of Religion. Each chapter incorporates a review of how the study of religion has been approached over time. As Connolly (1999b) contends, each of these disciplinary approaches tend to stay separated from one another because of the different CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 31 definition, approach, and understanding of religion each take; considerable effort and time is needed to understand the approaches in different disciplines. While I focus most on prayer within applied psychology, for this thesis, it is important to mention that I also incorporated other lenses. Notably, Christian theology is purposefully integrated in this thesis: religious and spiritual phenomena (such as the experience of God) are believed to be real. I also adopted a theoretical framework from Communications theory to overcome the limitations of the extant psychological theory. Incorporating Spirituality in Therapy Integrating religiousness and spirituality into therapy is a growing area of interest. This shown through the increasing amount of research on spiritually integrated elements in therapy and the development of spiritually-integrated mental health programs (Richards & Bergin, 2014; Smith et al., 2007). Richards and Bergin (2014) argue that it is important for counselling professionals to understand and respect R/S beliefs and practices of clients for two reasons: (1) therapists are likely to see some clients who are interested in discussing their religious/spiritual beliefs in counselling, and (2) respecting and understanding diversity is ethical (CCPA, 2007). Richards and Bergin (2014) further suggest that counselling professionals should develop competency in R/S diversity. This includes being able to convey respect for clients’ beliefs, create a safe environment for the expression of R/S beliefs, assess whether religiousness and spirituality is an important part of clients’ lives and collaborate with religious and spiritual professionals (see exhibit 1.1, p. 14). This section of the literature review examines the research on including spirituality, including prayer, into therapy. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 32 Integrating Religion and Spirituality in Therapy Past research indicates that some clients want to incorporate their religious and spiritual beliefs in counselling. Exline et al. (2000), for example, found that clients struggling with anxiety and depression wanted to explore R/S issues in therapy—especially when they were experiencing stress towards their R/S beliefs. In a survey of clients from nine counselling agencies (predominantly secular), clients from diverse traditions also expressed a desire to discuss R/S issues in therapy (Rose, Westefeld, & Ansley, 2008). These clients said that their R/S beliefs were essential to their healing and growth and central to their “personality, behaviour, and worldview” (Rose et al., 2008, p. 28). Post and Wade (2009) suggested three ways that R/S can be integrated into therapy: (1) using secular techniques to “strengthen the faith of a religious/spiritual client” (p. 140); (2) altering secular techniques to include religious content (e.g., using cognitive behavioural therapy on religious beliefs); and (3) incorporating religious/spiritual practices. Religious and spiritual practices that may be incorporated into therapy include: reading books by religious authors or religious texts, praying in or out of session, spiritual imagery, spiritual meditation, and discussing religious beliefs/concepts (Morrison et al., 2009; Smith et al., 2007). With an understanding of how spirituality can be integrated into therapy, this review will turn to therapist and client perspectives on incorporating spirituality into therapy. It should be noted that there has been a plethora of research on the efficacy and effectiveness of existing techniques integrated with spiritual elements (like cognitive behavioural therapy) and incorporating spirituality into group therapy (see Pargament, 2007, and Smith et al., 2007 for a review). This review will, instead, focus on including spiritual/religious practices into individual therapy. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 33 Therapist perspectives. In a survey of American licensed counsellors (N = 147), 74% of respondents viewed addressing spirituality in counselling as important; 89% of counsellors, however, also indicated that they need more training in this area (Hickson, Housley, & Wages, 2000). Hickson et al. (2000) indicate that the location of their study (a Bible-belt state) may have led to high positive responses. In a more recent survey, mental health professionals (N = 34) were asked about their perspectives on praying in therapy (Morrison et al., 2009). Overall, professionals viewed incorporating spirituality as acceptable and effective to their practice. Because the response rate for this survey was low (< 50%), it is possible that the results reflect the opinions of professionals with positive views on integrating spirituality into therapy. While both secular and Christian practices were surveyed, Morrison et al. (2009) did not clarify if the response rate differed by locations. Though both of these studies are limited, the results suggest that some professionals believe incorporating spirituality in therapy is acceptable. Client perspectives and experiences. Morrison et al. (2009) also surveyed clients (N = 73) receiving counselling services from a Christian agency (60.3%) and a secular practice (39.7%). Overall, 68.5% of clients experienced spiritual elements in therapy, with significantly more clients coming from the Christian agency. Of the clients who had experienced spiritual practices in counselling, a majority (89.6%) said they wanted spirituality incorporated at the same level or more. Most clients (89.8%) also viewed the inclusion of spirituality as helpful. Because clients were recruited by their counsellors, it is possible that clients were selected because they had positive experiences in therapy or felt pressure to report their experiences as positive. Furthermore, the sample in this study was relatively small and all participants came from one American city, limiting the generalizability of these results. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 34 In a mixed-methods study, Martinez, Smith, and Barlow (2007) asked student clients (N = 152), from a university sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), about their experiences of and perspectives on spiritual interventions in therapy. Participants were at various points in counselling. Clients viewed out-of-session interventions as significantly more appropriate than in-session interventions. Some interventions were considered helpful (like teaching religious concepts), while others were not (like therapist private prayer). Clients who endorsed the effectiveness of spiritual interventions commented that these interventions helped them be more aware of their difficulties, feel more comfortable and connected with their therapist, see counselling as valuable, and also allowed them to include their whole self in counselling. Some clients, however, viewed spiritual interventions negatively, saying that it put their therapist in an inappropriate role, made them feel anxious or guilty, or was done ineffectively. Post and Wade (2009) suggested that incorporating spirituality in therapy may have been viewed negatively by this sample because members of the LDS church “believe that religious functions should typically be provided by their religious leaders” (p. 139). In a Canadian study, twelve clients were interviewed about their experiences of involving spirituality in the counselling process (Gockel, 2011). Almost all participants identified as spiritual, but not religious (eleven of twelve participants), though some reported affiliations with religious institutions. When asked about their experiences, many clients viewed spirituality as essential to counselling and their change process. Clients expressed that spirituality was essential because it meant including their whole self in therapy. Therapists were viewed positively by participants because they felt accepted for who they were and the beliefs they held. Based on the responses of participants, Gockel (2011) contended that it is important to understand clients’ spiritual frameworks in counselling. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 35 Conclusions on R/S in therapy. The above studies support that incorporating spirituality in counselling is desired and valued by diverse clients and therapists (Gockel, 2011; Hickson et al., 2000; Morrison et al., 2009). In some instances, however, incorporating spirituality was detrimental to clients’ experiences of counselling (Martinez et al., 2007). It is, therefore, integral that therapists carefully and ethically incorporate spirituality into the counselling process. Praying in Therapy Research investigating praying in therapy is still in its infancy (Gubi, 2008). Broadly, there are three ways that praying may be included in therapy (Magaletta & Brawer, 1998). First, prayer may be done at the client level only. Clients may pray to “seek healing” (Magaletta & Brawer, 1998, p. 323) on their own or do so with the encouragement of their therapist. Second, praying may be incorporated at the therapist level only. At this level, therapists pray for their client or the counselling process; therapists may or may not tell their client about praying (Magaletta & Brawer, 1998). Finally, praying may be included in therapy between the therapist and client, silent or spoken. This form of prayer poses unique ethical issues and should, therefore, be used carefully (Magaletta & Brawer, 1998). Research on counsellor and clients’ perspective and experiences of praying are discussed below. Therapists. Weld and Eriksen (2007a) surveyed American Christian counsellors (N = 32) and clients (see client section below) about their preferences of praying in therapy. Counsellors were recruited from agencies, Christian counselling centres, and private practices. In this survey, a majority of counselors reported that they often/always prayed with or for clients in-session. Martinez et al. (2007) similarly reported that therapists pray in-session with clients. Gubi (2004) also found that registered therapists pray with clients in a British sample. Two CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 36 types of therapists were surveyed – British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and Churches Ministerial Counselling Services (CMCS) therapists. Twenty-one percent of BACP therapists and 42% of the CMCS therapists experienced praying overtly in therapy. Therapists, however, reported praying out-of-session more often (BACP= 59%; CMCS= 88%). In a 2001 study, Gubi interviewed British professors (N = 7) who trained counsellors about their perspectives on praying in therapy. Overall, participants were comfortable with and saw many benefits to out-of-session prayer by both the client and therapist. Participants were more hesitant to endorse in-session prayer. In a later study, Gubi (2009) interviewed BACP (n = 14) and CMCS (n = 5) counsellors, who had experienced praying in therapy with their clients, about potential ethical concerns. Though counsellor-participants were readily able to identify multiple ethical concerns about praying in therapy (power dynamic, avoidance, etc.), they were still willing to pray in therapy session because they believed it was beneficial. Miller and Chavier (2013) explored therapists’ experiences of incorporating praying into therapy. Participants in this study (N = 17) were marriage and family therapists, of diverse faith traditions, that lived across the United States. Therapists said that prayer facilitated a powerful connection with God and their clients in-session (whether or not the client was involved). Praying was incorporated in-session in multiple ways, including direct praying with and for clients, reading poems, and in silence. Therapists also reported that they were very careful about praying in therapy and stressed the importance of assessing client interest in praying. Prayer was more likely to be incorporated in therapy by more experienced therapists or by therapists who worked in agencies that support the inclusion of spiritual practices. Conclusions on therapists’ perspectives. Considering that praying in therapy is often regarded as ethically contentious, it appears to be incorporated in therapy fairly frequently by CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 37 some therapists (Gubi, 2004; Miller & Chavier, 2013; Weld & Eriksen, 2007a). Unfortunately, no Canadian studies were found in this area. In the studies discussed above, therapists acknowledged ethical concerns about praying in therapy but also discussed ways that prayer could be ethically incorporated into therapy (Gubi, 2009; Miller & Chavier, 2013). Gubi (2009), advocating for a client-centred approach to therapy, believes that more research on client perspectives and experiences is needed. Clients. Unfortunately, there are considerably fewer studies on clients’ perspectives on and experiences of praying in therapy. Similarly, no Canadian articles could be found for this review. Weld and Eriksen’s (2007a) survey indicated that 82% of clients (N = 165) wanted to pray with their therapist in-session. A majority of these clients were female (65%), Caucasian (81.8%), and Christian (87%). Clients were more likely to want to pray in therapy if they had seen a Christian counsellor previously and if they prayed frequently in their own lives. It is important to note that this was a convenience sample of clients who had not yet started counselling. The results of this study suggest that some clients want to pray with their therapist. Other studies, however, have shown different results. As mentioned previously, Martinez et al. (2007) found that Latter-Day Saint student-clients did not view in-session prayer as helpful or appropriate. Out-of-session prayer was viewed as slightly more appropriate but was still not regarded highly by participants. As mentioned earlier, these results may be reflective of the population under study. It is also important to consider that 32% of participants indicated that spiritual interventions were not incorporated effectively (felt belittled, did not respect feelings, not at an appropriate time), and 27% said that incorporating spirituality made them feel anxious and guilty. Both of these responses suggest that spiritual interventions were either incorporated in an ethically contentious way (in the case of feeling disrespected) or were inappropriate to the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 38 client’s needs. While these results indicate that few clients wanted to incorporate spirituality into therapy (especially prayer) and that many had negative encounters with integrating spirituality in therapy, these experiences may be unique to the population in this study. Another mixed-method study, similarly, found that few student-clients wanted praying to be included into therapy (Saenz & Waldo, 2013). Clients (N = 109) were recruited from counselling services at Arizona State University. About half of the participants reported being Christian, while the rest of the participants reported different religious beliefs (20.2% agnostic; 12.8% atheist). Participants were at different points of counselling, though this was not specifically addressed in this study. Only 8.3% of participants indicated they wanted to pray in therapy; these participants were more likely to score highly on religious and spiritual beliefs than other participants. When participants were asked about why they would/would not want to pray in therapy, they gave a variety of responses. Reasons for not praying included that it was inappropriate or unimportant to them and that prayer was reserved for certain places. Participants who wanted to pray in therapy said that prayer was helpful for them and an important part of their life. This study is limited because it was conducted at a secular university: clients may not have expected or anticipated being able to pray during therapy. Conclusions on clients’ perspectives. Clients’ perspectives and experiences of praying in therapy seem to be quite negative from the aforementioned studies. It is important to consider that participants in these studies were university students of a specific faith tradition (Martinez et al., 2007), or who held diverse beliefs (Saenz & Waldo, 2013). Both studies were mixedmethods but did not report detailed information on clients’ responses. It is possible clients who are not just university students, seeking counselling from faith-based agencies, would have different experiences. Weld and Eriksen (2007a), for instance, found drastically different results CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 39 on client preferences of praying in-session. It is possible that clients who desire the inclusion of spirituality in therapy may have different perspectives and experiences than university students. Summary of Literature Review Both the psychology of religion and prayer and the topic of integrating spirituality into counselling are relatively new areas of research (Ladd & Spilka, 2013; Richards & Bergin, 2014). As discussed throughout this review, there are many reasons why spirituality, and specifically prayer, may be included in therapy. First, the results of many research studies suggest that there is a relationship between R/S (and prayer) and mental health (Eliassen et al., 2005; Exline et al., 2000; Jeppsen et al., 2015; Whittington & Scher, 2010). It is important to consider that this relationship is not always positive and that current empirical research and theoretical understanding of R/S and prayer are limited. Indeed, there is a tendency in both areas of research to view R/S and prayer simply as a means of coping. While this perspective is informative, praying can mean so much more to people of faith. The relational, ontological reality of being in a relationship with God is certainly not captured well in the extant psychological literature. Unlike most of the research within psychology, this thesis explicitly adopts a theistic worldview (particularly Christian) in how religion and spirituality are understood. The Relational Prayer Model offers an alternative understanding of prayer, as a form of communication with God, that is broader than current psychological theory. More research, however, is needed to understand the intricacies of this model (Baesler, 2012). Similarly, many researchers contend that more qualitative, applied research is needed to expand our understanding of R/S and prayer (Pargament et al., 2013; Slife & Reber, 2012). Second, research also suggests that clients and therapists are interested in incorporating spirituality, including praying, into therapy (Miller & Chavier, 2013; Morrison et al., 2009; Weld CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 40 & Eriksen, 2007a). Including R/S dimensions in therapy (including prayer) may be a way of respecting client diversity through acknowledging valued aspects of clients’ lives (Morrison et al., 2009; Richards & Bergin, 2014). Indeed, including spirituality in therapy was extremely powerful for participants in Gockel’s (2011) study, and was mentioned as an important part of clients’ lives in other studies (Saenz & Waldo, 2013). Unfortunately, there are few studies on clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. Gubi (2009) contends that is imperative to understand clients’ experiences because their perspectives are the most important of all. Research in this area, however, is limited to either surveys on clients’ preferences (Weld & Eriksen, 2007a) or mixed-method exploratory studies with university students (Martinez et al., 2007; Saenz & Waldo, 2013). Thus far, there appear to be no research studies that seek an in-depth understanding of clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. Rationale for this Study My interest in this area of research emerged from my own tensions about whether and how religious and spiritual practices, including praying, could become part of therapy. As I read the literature in this area, I was struck by the fact that there was very little research on clients’ perspectives and experiences. Research, within psychology, tends to focus on what praying does, while research within counselling psychology predominately focuses on therapists’ perspectives and experiences. The primary purpose of this research, thus, was to fill a much needed gap in the literature: clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. As a student and researcher in counselling psychology, it was important for me to honour and know clients’ experiences—especially because client voice and input are regarded highly, by myself, and in this field (as reflected in both the CCPA’s (2007) and CPA’s (2017) Code of Ethics). With the debate on the ethics of praying in therapy and whether prayer has a place in therapy, it was CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 41 important for me to embrace clients’ experiences. As reflected on in Chapter 1, we can only know whether praying is ethical and beneficial if we ask clients about their experiences. A secondary purpose of this research was to see how praying was experienced by Christian clients, generally. As discussed above, extant psychological research and theory readily relegates praying to a coping technique or tool (Slife & Reber, 2009, 2012), which is inconsistent with theological understandings of Christian prayer. While this may be convenient, psychological theory and research may not accurately represent what praying (or religion and spirituality) is to those who pray. If we, as researcher-practitioners, hope that our research guides practice, it is important to represent how religious and spiritual phenomena are actually experienced, instead of conveniently measured. Ultimately, I hope that this research helps both researchers and practitioners better understand praying generally, and Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy specifically. By explicitly embracing a theistic worldview (Christianity, in particular) and asking clients about their experiences, our understanding of prayer can move beyond that of a coping technique. With so little research in this area, a qualitative methodology was used to understand clients’ experiences of praying in this thesis. It was hoped that this approach would facilitate an exploration of prayer that was open to its beauty, complexity, and ineffability. With that in mind, a hermeneutic phenomenological method, was used to explore the research question: what are Christian clients’ lived experiences of praying in therapy? CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 42 CHAPTER 3: METHODOLOGY In this chapter, I will outline the research method adopted for this thesis, hermeneutic phenomenology. To begin, I will consider my choice of qualitative research and then introduce phenomenology as both a philosophy and as a research methodology. The majority of this chapter will focus on describing the process of hermeneutic phenomenological research, as applied in this thesis. This will include delineating why this methodology was chosen and how van Manen’s (1990, 2014) central tenets were followed. I will then describe how each phase of this research was carried out. To conclude, the rigour of this study will be examined. Study Design: Qualitative Research and Phenomenology As discussed in the literature review, research on prayer has predominantly been quantitative. Quantitative researchers tend to study observable phenomena that can be investigated with empirical methods, as well as attempt to minimize researcher bias (Haverkamp & Young, 2007; Laverty, 2003). While quantitative research has contributed to an understanding of prayer, it is limited because religious experience must be operationalized to be studied (Slife & Reber, 2012). In quantitative research, prayer also tends to be reduced to certain functions, which dilutes the meaning of religious and spiritual experience (Pargament et al., 2013; Slife & Reber, 2012). Qualitative research, on the other hand, encompasses a holistic focus on participant experience and meaning, and includes researcher involvement in data collection and analysis (Creswell, 2013). Within qualitative research, there are diverse ways of understanding ontology, beliefs about the nature of reality, and epistemology, the relationship between the enquirer and the would-be known (Creswell, 2013; Haverkamp & Young, 2007). Hermeneutic phenomenological researchers seek to provide an interpretation of the meaning of an experience and embrace their involvement in the research, both in the interview and in their interpretive CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 43 process (Finlay, 2011; van Manen, 2014). Instead of claiming that knowledge about religious and spiritual experience can be mastered and fully known, a hermeneutic phenomenological approach allows mystery and multiple understandings to emerge. Approaching research in this way, therefore, overcomes the limitations of studying religious phenomena quantitatively (Laverty, 2003; Pargament et al., 2013; Sloan & Bowe, 2014). Van Manen’s (1990, 2014) hermeneutic phenomenological approach was chosen to gain an in-depth understanding of clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. It is important to consider that phenomenology can refer to either a philosophy or an approach to research (Dowling, 2007). As an approach to research, phenomenologists strive to understand the meaning of lived experience for either an individual or group of people (Creswell, 2013; van Manen, 1990, 2014). Ultimately, phenomenology is descriptive, as researchers attempt to “uncover and describe the structures, the internal meaning structures, of lived experience” (van Manen, 1990, p. 10). Keeping the overarching aim of phenomenological research in mind, it is important to understand the underlying philosophy of phenomenology because it will invariably impact the research process (Finlay, 2009; Giorgi, 2006). In this chapter, I will first introduce the philosophies underlying this phenomenological research and then consider hermeneutic phenomenology as a research methodology. Phenomenology as a Philosophy Phenomenology, as a philosophy, developed as a reaction against the dogma of the natural sciences in the early 1900s (Moran, 2000; Nealms, 2015). Phenomenologists seek to describe an experience as it appears to human consciousness—not establish causal relationships with other aspects of human life (Laverty, 2003). Van Manen’s hermeneutic phenomenological approach to research is considered to be based on the philosophies of Edmund Husserl, Martin CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 44 Heidegger, and Hans-Georg Gadamer (Giorgi, 2006); these philosophers are, therefore, further discussed below. Transcendental Phenomenology Edmund Husserl (1859-1938) is often considered the father of phenomenology (Finlay, 2011; Laverty, 2003; Nealms, 2015). Disagreeing with the prevailing idea that psychological experience could be studied using the natural sciences, Husserl developed his own approach to understanding human experience: transcendental phenomenology (Finlay, 2011; Laverty, 2003). Husserl was especially critical of the assumption that reality could be separated from human experience (Laverty, 2003). He instead postulated that consciousness is intentional, meaning that it is always directed towards something in the world; thus, consciousness and our experience of phenomena are inseparable (Nealms, 2015; Wertz, 2005). Overall, Husserl posited that one could understand the essence of phenomena through “intentionally directing one’s focus” (Laverty, 2003, p. 5) to an object of experience. To understand the essence of an experience, Husserl believed that we need to turn to the experience pre-reflexively, “without resorting to categorization or conceptualization” (Laverty, 2003, p. 4). Husserl developed a process of phenomenological reduction to allow the nature of the experience to emerge as it is (Dowling, 2007; Moran, 2000). In phenomenological reduction, one engages in a process of bracketing to put aside previous understandings and biases (Dowling, 2007; Finlay, 2011). For Husserl, this involved transcending personal experiences, factual or scientific knowledge, and assumptions about truth and reality (Finlay, 2011; Wertz, 2005). Hermeneutic Phenomenology Martin Heidegger (1889-1976) challenged Husserl’s philosophy, which led to the development of hermeneutic phenomenology (Laverty, 2003; Moran, 2000). Though initially CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 45 trained by Husserl in transcendental phenomenology, Heidegger subsequently criticized Husserl’s ideas (Moran, 2000). While both philosophers agreed upon the importance of returning to experience as it is lived, Heidegger shifted his focus to Dasein, “the situated meaning of a human in the world” (Laverty, 2003, p. 7). The nature of Dasein is Being-in-theworld (Moran, 2000), which encompasses how “human beings exist, act, or are involved in the world” (van Manen, 1990, p. 175). With a focus on human’s everyday involvement and interaction with the world, Heidegger criticized Husserl’s approach as being too theoretical (Moran, 2000). Heidegger argued that understanding is a fundamental part of Being-in-theworld, not objectively describing human experience (Laverty, 2003). As such, Heidegger maintained that humans cannot separate their understanding of the world from their assumptions and experiences: all understanding is an interpretation (Dowling, 2007; Koch, 1995). Heidegger also criticized Husserl’s idea that humans could transcend their presuppositions about the world (Koch, 1995): Being-in-the-World is inseparable from preunderstanding, which encompasses the “meanings and organization of a culture” (Laverty, 2003, p. 8). Human understanding is intricately linked to the context and time in which we live; our experience and understanding of the world, therefore, cannot be bracketed away (Koch, 1995; Laverty, 2003). While Heidegger criticized using prescribed methods to understand lived experience, he believed that understanding could develop through the hermeneutic circle (Koch, 1995; Moran, 2000). The hermeneutic circle starts with an awareness of our assumptions about an experience. Questions about lived experience emerge from these assumptions. Through questioning, our understanding of a phenomenon may be challenged and changed. Our ability to understand, therefore, develops from the circular process of going between the whole and parts CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 46 of an experience (Koch, 1995). Heidegger also claimed that language and understanding were inseparable, which would be elaborated upon by Gadamer (Finlay, 2011; Laverty, 2003). Hans-Georg Gadamer (1990-2002) was a student of Heidegger and was heavily influenced by his teaching and works (Laverty, 2003; Nealms, 2015). Further developing Heidegger’s thoughts on language and understanding, Gadamer believed that it is only through language that one can make sense of the world (Laverty 2003; Sloan & Bowe, 2014). Language, however, is not value-free: it is shaped by our culture and context (Moran, 2000). Gadamer, too, endorsed the view that interpretation and understanding are inseparable. Our historical and cultural background inevitably limits how we understand, which Gadamer referred to as our horizon (Finlay, 2011). Thus, Gadamer also holds the view that bracketing is impossible (Laverty, 2003). The role of hermeneutics is not to create a method to understand, “but to clarify further the conditions in which understanding itself takes place” (Laverty, 2003, p. 10). Gadamer believed that understanding (and thus interpretation) occurred through conversations with others, wherein a fusion of horizons occurs (Moran, 2000; Nealms, 2015). Summary In philosophy, phenomenology initially developed as an alternative way to understand human experience. Husserl, credited with being the father of phenomenology, advocated that experience should be returned to as it is, not reduced or generalized from other experiences. A branch of phenomenological research, descriptive phenomenology, is largely based upon Husserl’s philosophy. Descriptive researchers seek to describe the essence of an experience through adapting the phenomenological reduction (Finlay, 2011). In this approach, researchers assume that the essential nature of an experience can be found. Heidegger, critical of Husserl’s ideas, shifted the focus of his philosophy to Being-in-the-world. Instead of focusing on CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 47 objectively describing experience, Heidegger postulated that understanding always involves interpretation. Expanding upon Heidegger’s philosophy, Gadamer stressed the importance of language in understanding and in expanding our horizons. With an understanding of the philosophies underlying van Manen’s (1990) approach to hermeneutic phenomenological research, I will now turn to my research methodology. Hermeneutic Phenomenology as a Research Methodology In this section, I will introduce and outline van Manen’s (1990) hermeneutic phenomenological research approach. I will first delineate the main tenets of this research methodology and share why I chose hermeneutic phenomenology for this research. I will then discuss how the tenets of hermeneutic phenomenological research (van Manen, 1990, 2014) were applied to this research and describe my research process, from beginning to end. Introduction to van Manen’s Hermeneutic Phenomenology Hermeneutic phenomenology is considered to be both a descriptive and interpretive method. Van Manen (1990) contends that it is descriptive “because it wants to be attentive to how things appear” (p. 180), which is in line with Husserl’s philosophy. This process is, however, also interpretive because all phenomena are interpreted (van Manen, 1990). Indeed, being influenced by Gadamer’s thoughts on language (Sloan & Bowe, 2014), van Manen (1997) argues that our reliance on language inevitably makes the research process interpretive. The hermeneutic phenomenological approach to research is best described as descriptive with interpretive elements. Researchers must not stray too far away from the lived experience through the interpretive process (van Manen, 2014). Phenomenological researchers seek to access how we, as humans, experience the world prereflexively—not as we think about or reflect on what is happening, but as we live through it CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 48 (van Manen, 2014). In doing so researchers attempt to gain “a deeper understanding of the nature or meaning of our everyday experiences” (van Manen, 1990, p. 9). Unlike forms of qualitative research that focus on developing theory, the purpose of accessing these meaning structures is to “help understand the significance of human phenomena” (van Manen, 2014, p. 44), not explain how human behaviour works. Indeed, phenomenological researchers hold that there is mystery in human experience; as soon as we try to explicate our insights and understanding about about a phenomenon, the meaning seems to fade away (van Manen, 2014). Ultimately, phenomenological researchers hope to understand lived experience to inform practice. This understanding is not to dictate technical how-to instructions, but instead aims to foster “ethical sensitivities…and thoughtfulness and tact in professional activities, relations and actions” (van Manen, 2014, p. 68). While this may seem to lack immediate utility, the purpose of phenomenological research is to open professionals to the intricacy and complexity of human experiences so they can sensitively and ethically work with clients. Openness to lived experience. How is it that phenomenological researchers gain access to the essential meanings of lived experience? While certain processes for accessing meanings will be delineated later on in this chapter, the epoché reduction is the main way that researchers move beyond conceptualizations of or theory about a phenomenon to its essential meanings. Van Manen (2014) contends that researchers must first bracket away preconceived notions and understandings (the epoché) to come back to the experience as it is lived (the reduction). In accordance with Heidegger’s thoughts, it is assumed that researchers cannot completely separate themselves from their presuppositions. Hermeneutic researchers, therefore, embrace their own Being-in-the-world throughout research: past experiences and knowledge may enhance, as well as taint, researchers understanding of an experience (Finlay, 2011; Laverty, 2003). Interpreting CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 49 participants’ responses is, therefore, a necessary part of the research process (Finlay, 2011; van Manen, 1990). The hermeneutic epoché-reduction aims to facilitate wonder and openness in the researcher, as the researcher attempts to see the meanings of an experience. Researchers attend to and explicate their own biases and assumptions in order to dialogue with what is happening before them. Instead of idly and simply accepting how they view the world, researchers are selfaware so they are open to other interpretations. By writing and reflecting on pre-understandings, known theory and experiences are less likely to consume how researchers see the lived meaning. As such, it is integral that researchers account for their own biases and assumptions in order to see human experience for its “various sources and layers of lived meaning, rather than being overlaid with a particular frame of meaning” (van Manen, 2014, p. 224). Many hermeneutic phenomenological researchers write about their reflections and processes in order to explain how their assumptions and experiences shape their research (Laverty, 2003). The process of writing also seeks to open up researchers to new ways of understanding (van Manen, 1990, 2014). In hermeneutic phenomenology, understanding of an experience is also generated through the interview process, as the researcher and participant interact with one another. Through dialogue, both participant and researchers’ horizons of understanding may expand. Rationale for Hermeneutic Phenomenological Approach There are many reasons why I chose this approach to understand clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. First, I wanted my research methodology to be able to do justice to the beauty and complexity of religious experience. I was initially drawn to phenomenology because of its focus on richly describing the meaning or nature of an experience as it is lived. With so little research in this area, a hermeneutic phenomenological approach allowed me to consider the experience of praying holistically. This is consistent with my research question, which seeks to CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 50 understand clients’ experiences of praying. The openness of hermeneutic phenomenology also allowed me to reflect and consider my own engagement with praying in therapy through the reflexivity process; this not only helped me better understand the essential meanings of praying in therapy but also challenged myself, as a researcher, student, and future psychologist. Hermeneutic phenomenology also fit with my experience and role as a student in counselling psychology. Many of the qualities and skills used in therapy are encouraged throughout the phenomenological process, including openness to others perspectives and experiences, and understanding through dialogue with others. In summary, hermeneutic phenomenology fit with both the purpose of this research and myself as a student-researcher. Research Process: Hermeneutic Phenomenological Themes Van Manen (1990) contends that his approach to research “aims to be presuppositionless” (p. 29), meaning that the recommendations he makes are meant to be guideposts, not rigid techniques. Hermeneutic phenomenology as a methodology is intended to be a creative and flexible process (Laverty, 2003; van Manen, 1990, 2014). Accessing experience as it is lived through “is always a matter of attempts, bids, and hopeful risks…method is never just an engine that will unerringly produce insightful outcomes” (van Manen, 2014, p. 29). Van Manen’s (1990) guidelines for this process are listed below: (1) turning to a phenomenon which seriously interests us and commits us to the world; (2) investigating experience as we live it rather than conceptualize it; (3) reflecting on the essential themes that characterize the phenomenon; (4) describing the phenomena through the art of writing and rewriting; (5) maintaining a strong and oriented…relation to the phenomenon; CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 51 (6) balancing the researcher context by considering both the parts and the whole. (van Manen, 1990, pp. 30-31) Though some of these guidelines are more predominant at certain points of the research process, each is important to consider throughout. Below, I briefly describe each of these guidelines in relation to my research. In the section that follows, I describe each part of the research process in more detail. Turning towards a phenomenon. Van Manen (1990) contends that researchers should choose a topic that they are passionate about and committed to. In my case, as a future counselling professional, I am interested in how spiritual practices are included in counselling. While this sounds like a simple interest, it developed from both personal and professional experiences where spiritual practices, such as praying, were doubted or approached with caution. This uncertainty within myself led me to my research focus on clients’ experiences of praying in therapy (further explored in Chapter 5). In turning towards a phenomenon, van Manen (1990) suggests that researchers should articulate their presuppositions about their research interest. Researchers’ assumptions may include attitudes towards, experiences with, or knowledge about their research interest. While the transcendental phenomenological approach would call for one to bracket these assumptions as part of the phenomenological reduction (Finlay, 2008; Laverty, 2003), van Manen (1990, 2014) indicates that researchers’ experiences and presuppositions will impact their interpretations. Van Manen (1990, 2014), thus, suggests that researchers thoughtfully reflect throughout researching the lived experience of a phenomenon. Explicating these assumptions helps researchers be open to new understandings as they develop throughout the research process (Finlay, 2008; van Manen, 2014). In order to be aware of my preunderstandings and biases towards my research topic, I kept a reflexive journal throughout my CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 52 thesis. In this journal, I dialogued with myself in all parts of the research, specifically reflecting on my thoughts, emotions, and struggles. During data analysis, I reflected both on my experience with the research text and on my interpretive process with each participant. Supervision with my thesis supervisor also became an important part of my reflexive process as I was challenged to reflect on my understanding of prayer and spirituality. My reflexive process is discussed in detail in Chapter 5. Investigating experience as we live it. In hermeneutic phenomenological research, researchers strive to establish “a renewed contact with original experience” (van Manen, 1990, p. 31). As such, the meaning of an experience, such as praying in therapy, can only be understood through accessing an experience. The data of hermeneutic phenomenological research, or lived experiences, may come from self-reflection, reflecting on art and literature, getting written descriptions of an experience, and interviewing participants (van Manen, 1990). Regardless of how ‘data’ is collected, researchers can only access an experience that has been transformed. The challenge of research, therefore, is “to find access to life's living dimensions while realizing that the meanings we bring to the surface from the depths of life's oceans have already lost the natural quiver of their undisturbed existence” (van Manen, 1990, p. 54). For my research, I chose to speak with people who experienced praying in therapy. Because I had not experienced praying in therapy myself, it was important to find participants who could share detailed, rich descriptions. How I recruited and selected participants for this research is discussed later in this chapter. In the interview, I asked participants some contextual questions about their faith and prayer life but mostly focused the interview questions on their experience of praying in therapy. In line with van Manen’s (1990, 2014) approach, it was important that I asked questions that helped participants describe their experience—not their views, perspectives, or interpretations. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 53 As such, participants were asked to describe an experience of praying from beginning to end in as much detail as they could to gain access to the experiential material. Throughout both the interview and data analysis, I noticed how easy it was for both myself and participants to explain or theorize about praying in therapy. This guideline, thus, was crucial throughout the research process. As noted above, in the interview I purposefully tried to keep the content of the interview on experiential material; when interpretations were given (often theological), I tried to bring it back to how that interpretation was experienced at the moment. Throughout data analysis, I consciously focused on the lived experience. I was fortunate that all participants were able to provide experiential data, which helped me remain oriented to the experience as it was lived through. Reflecting on the essential themes. Van Manen (1990) contends that thematic analysis is a dynamic, reflective process where the researcher attempts to see the meaning of the text. Paradoxically, thematic analysis is both an easy and difficult: researchers often have pre-existing ideas about themes that may inform analysis, but must also remain an attitude of openness (the epoché) to access the lived through dimensions of an experience (the reduction). The epoché and reduction are integral to foster insight and understanding, while van Manen’s guidelines give some structure on how to carry out thematic analysis. Through thematic analysis, hermeneutic phenomenological researchers hope to achieve “a more direct contact with experience as it is lived” (van Manen, 1990, p. 78). It is, however, important to note that hermeneutic researchers do not claim that the meanings, or themes, they generate are correct. Interpretation cannot be separated from our understanding of an experience. Instead, themes offer a way in which researchers make sense of and convey the “structures of meaning that are embodied and CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 54 dramatized in human experience” (van Manen, 2014, p. 319). Themes, at the very best, give researchers a way to express the interpreted layers and dimensions of an experience. Van Manen (1990, 2014) delineates three methods to help see meaning in the research text. It is important to remember that these guidelines are not intended to be followed verbatim. Data analysis in phenomenological research is not a simple step-by-step process or counting of similar phrases but requires insight and creativity (van Manen, 1990, 2014). The first guideline is the holistic approach, wherein researchers consider the text as a whole and reflect on what the meaning of the text is. In this step, researchers may develop a phrase, which encapsulates the meaning of the whole text. The second guideline, the selective or highlighting approach, occurs when researchers listen to the interviews and read the interview text multiple times. After becoming familiar with the text, researchers select statements that seem particularly relevant to the experience of the phenomenon. Researchers then ask themselves what the selected statements reveal about the phenomenon. Finally, in the detailed or line-by-line approach researchers look at each sentence and consider how each sentence contributes to an understanding of the lived experience. As I went throughout data analysis, I found each of these three approaches helpful in approaching the research text. Before I started analysis on any research text, I fully immersed myself in the interview by listening to the audio-recording repeatedly (typically three times). Immersion became an essential part of my analysis as I became very familiar with intonations, phrasings, and hesitations of participants while they were sharing about praying in therapy. During data analysis, this gave the research text the energy and vividness that I felt with my participants throughout our interview. After my first two participants, I realized that I often got lost by all that was being said and done. Instead of being consumed by the text, I started off my CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 55 last three participants by simply writing out what was happening in the experience. Doing this helped me focus on the experience and become more aware of my thoughts and feelings about what was happening. I engaged with both participants’ phrasings and responses to the interview questions and my own to inform what the essential meanings of an experience were. As I went through data analysis, I found that the selective-highlighting and line-by-line approach were most helpful in accessing essential meanings of the experience. The selective-highlighting approach focused me on evocative phrases, which became a large part of the phenomenological text. The line-by-line approach, instead, helped me see subtler aspects of the experience I often raced through on my first few read-throughs of the research text. In both cases, I purposefully reflected on these phrases to understand what the essential meanings were. In most interviews, I went through the holistic approach to get a general feel for what was happening. Doing so at both the beginning and end of my analysis helped me see how my understanding progressed throughout data analysis. In order to stay open throughout data analysis, reflexive journaling was a large part of my process. Understanding religious experience, however, was a daunting feat for me. I often turned to images and music lyrics that seemed relevant to help me deepen my understanding of the meaning of those moments. For two of my interviews (my first and one that I struggled in analysis with), I was fortunate to have a colleague who experienced praying in therapy herself join me in the analysis. She helped me to see things in new ways and deepen my understanding of the meaning of the experience. I also met and talked with my research supervisor throughout data analysis who also challenged me to see the experience differently. This was especially important for me when I was feeling stuck or stagnant during data analysis. As indicated in van Manen (2014), talking to others often opens up new insights and understandings. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 56 Lifeworld themes. Along with considering the essential themes that emerge from the data, van Manen (1990, 2014) recommends that researchers also reflect upon four lifeworld themes (or existentials) throughout data analysis, which include: “lived space (spatiality), lived body (corporeality), lived time (temporality), and lived human relation (relationally)” (van Manen, 1990, p. 101). Lived space is how one feels in a certain space, while lived body refers to our bodily experience. Similarly, lived time is our experience of time subjectively, while also encompassing our understanding of how the past and looking into the future shape and form us. Finally, lived relation is our experiences of interacting with others (van Manen, 1990). Instead of making the lifeworld themes the main part of analysis, I chose to reflect on these themes in my analysis when I was approaching the end of my time with a research text. I found that this helped me deepen my understanding of the meanings, simply by questioning if I had missed something or why a certain lifeworld theme seemed so predominant in certain interview texts. Describing the phenomenon through the art of writing. Van Manen (1990, 2014) stresses the significance of bringing life to participants’ lived experience through the art of writing: the content and quality of the text are intimately linked. As noted above, phenomenological research does not end at thematic analysis. Themes, instead, become the structure of the phenomenological text, which seeks to describe the meaning of an experience as it is lived through (van Manen, 2014). Phenomenological researchers rely on textual representation to convey the lived experience, and its meaning, to others. Van Manen (1990, 2014) stresses that writing is an integral part of the hermeneutic phenomenological research process. For myself, this became apparent in data analysis. I found that writing a simple meaning phrase dulled down the meaning of what was happening at that moment. As a result, I often wrote lengthy paragraphs about the meaning of experience, which captured the essence of CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 57 the meaning much better than simple sentences. Spending time writing in data analysis helped deepen my understanding of the lived through experience, which helped prepare me for the phenomenological text. The purpose and challenge of the phenomenological text is to “see the nakedness of the now” (van Manen, 2006, p. 718): experiencing the meaning of the moment as it is lived through. Conveying this, of course, is no simple task because the ‘now’ of praying in therapy is always in the past. Through writing the phenomenological text, researchers strive to bring life and presence to the lived experience, which seems to evade representation with words (van Manen, 2006, 2014). The tension of phenomenological writing lies here—the text must convey what is happening (representation), while seeking to instill an understanding of what the phenomenon is like (immediate seeing and understanding). Van Manen (2006) describes the writing process as entering into darkness, the researcher hopes to “see what cannot really be seen, [hear] what cannot really be heard, [touch] what cannot really be touched” (p. 719). While the phenomenological text follows the structure of the themes and includes experiential material of the lived experience (participant quotes), the written description should go beyond what is simply said by participants and evoke meaning (van Manen, 2014). In order to write well, van Manen (2006, 2014) cautions against following any prescribed method for writing. Writing, as part of the interpretive process, depends upon the creativity of the writer. Through writing and re-writing participants experience, the researcher engages in a conversation with the text. Insight and depth emerge out of connecting with the experience. The researcher is both separated from the experience but engaged with its essential meanings, which helps researchers to really see what it is happening. According to van Manen (1997), rich descriptions “must also appeal to our noncognitive mode of knowing” (p. 361), helping readers CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 58 gain a felt sense of the experience. There are many ways lived experience can be evoked through writing, including utilizing poetry, literature, and linguistic devices (such as repetition and vivid descriptions) in the write-up of results (van Manen, 1997). As I wrote up the phenomenological text for this research, I used metaphors and evocative language to convey what the experience was like. A high quality phenomenological text will help readers feel as though they understand what the experience was like, not only cognitively but emotionally— they feel as though they come into closer contact with the lived experience. Maintaining a strong orientation to the phenomenon. During the entirety of the research process, it is tempting to wander away, not fully engage with, or rely on our comfortable understanding of phenomena, without considering participants’ responses (van Manen, 1990). In hermeneutic phenomenological research it is, however, important to remain engaged in data analysis – not fall into a scientific disinterest (van Manen, 1990, 2014). To counteract this tendency, it is important that researchers fully embrace their interest in the topic throughout the research process. As I went through the ups and downs of this research, remaining oriented to praying in therapy was crucial to my continued engagement and excitement. The first and most essential way that I remained oriented to the lived experience of praying in therapy was returning to the original research texts. In data analysis, if I was feeling frustrated, confused, or overwhelmed, I found reading the texts both reassuring and reenergizing. The words of the women I talked with were so hopeful and impactful; it reminded why I cared about this area of research. The second way I remained oriented to the lived experience was through journaling. Journaling allowed me a space where I could vent frustrations and encourage and remind myself why it was I chose this research topic. I also saw my own growth, academically and spiritually, throughout my journal entries which was neat and unexpected for CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 59 me. Engaging with my emotions and hesitancy helped me stay active in my research, whether I felt happy or ambivalent. Finally, when I took breaks from this thesis, I often went outside and took pictures. Being reminded of the beauty and complexity of the world around me paralleled the beauty and complexity of praying with others—so much is indescribable and impossible to fully capture. It reminded me, however, that we can represent our experience in so many mediums, which was hopeful. Balancing the research context by the parts and the whole. Throughout data analysis, it may be difficult to stay in touch with participants lived experience as one gets lost in the transcripts (van Manen, 1990). Van Manen (1990) recommends continuously going back and forth between the parts of the process (such as the interview, data analysis, etc.) and the whole of the research (participants’ lived experiences). This theme resembles Heidegger’s conception of the hermeneutic circle wherein researchers engage in a “process of coming to understand the being of something (be it the ‘text’ or the ‘phenomenon’ or ‘participant’ in the research process) through moving iteratively through the whole and parts and back again to the whole” (Finlay, 2011, p. 115). In data analysis, this process may occur as researchers consider how words used by participants shape the sentence, or how a sentence contributes to an understanding of the whole (Laverty, 2003). This was, especially, helpful to me in data analysis where I circled between different methods of looking at the research text. As noted above, I often returned to the research text as a whole to situate myself back to lived experience, which often led to a deeper understanding of what I was struggling with. Ultimately, the hermeneutic circle aids in deepening researchers understanding of the phenomena (Laverty, 2003). There is no definitive end to hermeneutic circle as new understanding (and thus interpretation) may be found. It is suggested that this process ends when researchers have “reached a place of sensible meaning, CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 60 free of inner contradictions, for the moment” (Kvale, 1996, as cited in Laverty, 2003, p. 9). Within myself, I noticed a certain feeling of completion or exhaustion when I was coming to the end of data analysis for each participant and when synthesizing the final themes. I revisited each participant before putting the themes together, which gave me an opportunity to ask myself if I could see or understand the experience in any other way. Research Process: Carrying Out the Research In the following section, I illuminate the details of how I carried out the research from beginning to completion. This includes how I recruited, selected, and interviewed participants, and completed the thematic and phenomenological analysis. Recruiting participants. Unlike other methodologies, hermeneutic phenomenological researchers do not concern themselves with diversity within the sample or whether the sample is generalizable to a large population. Phenomenologist researchers, instead, seek to find people who can share rich examples of the phenomenon of interest—in this case praying in therapy. As such, it was essential to find participants who were willing and able to discuss their experience with a researcher (van Manen, 2014). In order to gain an in-depth understanding of Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy, I used purposive sampling in order to find “information-rich cases” (Patton, 2002, p. 230). All five participants in this study were chosen because they experienced praying with their therapist in an individual therapy session. Recruitment techniques. There are no set recommendations on how many clients to recruit for hermeneutic phenomenological studies. Hermeneutic phenomenological research differs from other methodologies because new, unique experiences in the data are welcomed: there is no need for data saturation (van Manen, 2014). My initial goal for this research was to recruit between six to eight participants to prevent shallow interpretation and access many CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 61 examples of praying in therapy. Unfortunately, recruitment was more difficult than originally anticipated. I was happy to interview five participants in the end. Once I received approval from the Research Ethics Board at Trinity Western University (TWU), I actively recruited participants from January – June 2017. I initially recruited by sharing information about my research over social media (see Appendix A for this post) and by word of mouth of friends and family. Over time, this is how I found four of my participants. I also contacted counselling agencies in the Lower Mainland who were advertised as being spiritual or religious agencies (as done in Morrison et al., 2009; Weld & Eriksen, 2007a). While I initially contacted five agencies, three did not respond to me, one was not comfortable putting up my information, and one put up an advertisement poster (see Appendix B for poster). I also hung these posters on TWU’s campus; no participants contacted me this way. Because finding participants took longer than I anticipated, my supervisor and I decided to contact churches in the Lower Mainland either through announcements or advertising in bulletins to find one or two more participants. I contacted churches that either myself or colleagues were related to—it was hoped that some familiarity with me would help potential participants come forward. I did one church announcement and two other churches agreed to put my information in their bulletins. My fifth participant contacted me after seeing my thesis advertised in the bulletin of her church. While I did not initially anticipate any difficulty finding participants, considering that the content of my interview was sensitive, it was unsurprising that the women I talked to mostly knew of me through friends and family. I had no personal, preexisting relationship with any of the participants I interviewed. Screening interview. People who were interested in speaking with me about my research contacted me by either phone or e-mail. We then proceeded to set up a screening interview (see CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 62 Appendix C for screening questions). The first purpose of this interview was to ensure that participants’ experiences fit with my research (inclusion and exclusion criteria are delineated below). I also hoped to get a sense whether those who contacted me could elaborate, in-depth, about their experiences. After the screening interview, I felt confident that each participant would be able to speak openly about their experiences. Only one person who I did the screening interview with could not participate in this research; she indicated her therapist prayed for her outside of therapy but not with her in the therapy room, which did not fit with the focus of this research. Inclusion criteria. In my screening interview, I initially asked participants if they experienced praying with their therapist within the last year. I included this criterion because I thought it would help participants articulate experiences they could remember. In the screening interview, I also ensured that the participants were currently adults and Christian, in accordance with my research question. As indicated in the introduction to my thesis, I chose this demographic because many Christian clients have expressed interest in praying in therapy (Morrison et al., 2009; Weld & Eriksen, 2007a). While this decision reduced the breadth of this research, I hoped more depth would emerge from focusing on one religious tradition. Second, only participants who experienced praying in individual therapy sessions were included in this study. As indicated in my literature review, I chose to focus on praying that has been incorporated as part of therapy, not as homework. Additionally, I ensured that all participants shared experiences where their therapist was aware of and involved in the praying experience because this study seeks to understand praying in a therapeutic context. Finally, all participants received counselling from registered professional counsellors—not pastoral care. Three participants saw a registered clinical counsellor, while two saw a registered psychologist. This CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 63 was important because I wanted this study to reflect clients’ experiences in therapy sessions, where spiritual elements are not traditionally incorporated. Exclusion criteria. The only set exclusion criteria for this study was significant psychological distress (suicidality, current psychotic episode, high anxiety, etc.), solely because it may have prevented participants from being able to articulate their experience in the interview. In the screening interview, I let participants know that I would ask questions surrounding their reasons for pursuing counselling in the in-person interview. I ensured that participants were comfortable with this—all participants indicated they were. Participants. For my thesis, I interviewed five women who experienced praying with their therapist. Their ages ranged from 21-64 years old. All of the women were Euro-Canadian and Caucasian. Each participant said they referred to themselves as Christian, generally (as opposed to a particular denomination). Christian backgrounds included: Alliance (x1), Lutheran (x1), Catholic (x1), Non-denominational (x1), and Baptist (x1). Two participants received counselling in Alberta, while three went to mental health therapists in British Colombia. Therapists worked at a variety of locations: private practice (x2), counselling agencies through their church (x2), and through an insurance company (x1). Two of the women saw a male therapist, while the other three saw a female therapist. Data collection: Interviewing participants. After the screening interview, all participants were sent the Informed Consent Form (see Appendix D) by e-mail and asked to read through it before we met for our interview. Four of the five interviews were conducted in the Lower Mainland of British Colombia (BC). One interview was done in Alberta. I gave participants the option of doing the interview at the counselling centre on Trinity Western University’s campus or a quiet, comfortable location of their choice. All participants in BC CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 64 chose to meet at the counselling centre. The interview in Alberta was done at the house of a mutual contact. Van Manen (2014) stresses the importance of participants being comfortable and not rushed throughout the interview. The relationship quality between the researcher and the participant is particularly important in hermeneutic phenomenological research because it will impact the “breadth and depth of what participants share with the researcher” (Nealms, 2015, p. 21). Creating an environment where participants felt comfortable sharing, thus, very important (Laverty, 2003). Before the interview, I spent some time talking with the participants and offered them tea or water. I wanted the tone of the interview to be conversational, not sterile; it was my hope that this helped create an inviting, comfortable atmosphere. In all of the interviews, I encouraged participants to let me know if they needed a break. Throughout the interview, I tried to be inquisitive, open, and empathic to what participants were sharing; this helped me engage with them during our interview (Finlay, 2011). Overall, my sense was that participants felt comfortable with me. One participant had an unforeseen commitment, which came up right before the interview. While I offered to move the interview to accommodate, she decided to move forward. Part of this interview was disjointed because the participant was checking her phone; fortunately, I was still able to gather experiential material. Interview with participants. Before beginning the interview, I went through the Informed Consent form and any questions participants had. Once we went through the form, I started audio-recording the interview from my personal laptop. As indicated above, phenomenological interviews seek to gather and explore lived through examples of the phenomenon of interest (van Manen, 1990, 2014), in this case praying in a therapy session. These interviews can be quite complex because lived experience is the focus, not interpretations. In order to remember this, I developed a semi-structured interview guide to stay oriented to the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 65 purpose of the study, while also allowing myself some flexibility. The semi-structured interview guide was based upon the process of Personal Existential Analysis (PEA) psychotherapeutic method (Kwee & Längle, 2013). This therapeutic approach fits well with hermeneutic phenomenology because it, too, focuses on deepening understanding of lived experience. The framework of PEA gave me a structure to know what to deepen about participants’ experiences. The interview structure of PEA also facilitates a dialogical encounter, as participants engage both with their inner reality and the interviewer (Kwee & Längle, 2013). While I am not trained in PEA, myself, my research supervisor and many of my colleagues were. They helped me develop questions based on the PEA process. In following the PEA structure, participants were first asked to describe what their experience was like in as much detail as possible. I then asked them about their impression of the experience, which included thoughts, emotions, and sensations happening in that moment. Deepening occurred as we explored participants understanding of the meaning of the moment for them. Finally, the interview concluded with how the experience moved or changed participants. In line with van Manen (2014), I tried to avoid questions that asked for interpretations or personal opinions, though this happened at times. In the interview, I also tried to deepen experiential material, not theological explanations. Before interviewing participants, I piloted the interview with a colleague who experienced praying with a therapist. This helped me to get comfortable with the interview, while also ensuring that the wording of the questions was appropriate and easy to understand. I made some small modifications on the interview before using it with participants (see Appendix E for the semi-structured interview guide used). The interview times ranged from 50 to 120 minutes. Once completed, I reviewed the purpose of this CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 66 study and my contact information (see Appendix F for debriefing script) and gave participants a thank you letter (see Appendix G for text of letter) with thirty-dollars as a token of appreciation. Follow-up interviews. I did a follow-up interview with three participants (I contacted four) after I went through data analysis. Participants were told that this interview was optional. This interview gave me the opportunity to deepen my understanding of what was happening in their experiences. My supervisor and I decided that these interviews would be helpful to clarify a few things that I missed or did not deepen enough in the first interview. These interviews lasted between 25-60 minutes. Two of the follow-ups were done over the phone and one was done in-person. I sent participants the questions beforehand. All three participants indicated that they were happy to talk with me again. These interviews helped me understand the lived experience of praying in therapy better. After the follow-up, I went through the process of data analysis and integrated the findings with the existing thematic analysis for each participant. After the interview. Immediately after I interviewed each participant (in-person and follow-up) I moved the recording files onto a password protected USB and deleted them from my personal computer. These recordings were kept in a locked cabinet in my place of residence. Once my thesis is complete, I will give a copy of the recordings to the Counselling Psychology Department to be kept for five years. At this point, I will no longer have copies of the recordings. Thematic analysis. For my thesis, data analysis was a lengthy process, consisting of multiple parts. I spent between four to six weeks with each of the research texts. Transcribing the research text. Before starting to analyze the interview (research text), I transcribed each interview verbatim. Once I had the full interview, I realized it was impossible to analyze the whole text because not all that was shared was relevant to the lived experience. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 67 Indeed, as van Manen (2014) warned, it is easy to move away from lived experience in interviews. I decided to develop a condensed research text to do thematic analysis on. Anything deemed irrelevant to the experience or that was an interpretation was cut. In the shortened research text, I also removed extraneous words (e.g., you know, uhm, repeated words). As I read through the text, I noticed that extraneous words were distracting and pulled me away from the lived experience. As a result, I took these out of the shortened interview, which made the process of data analysis much easier. Synthesizing themes. The process of thematic analysis for each participant is detailed above in van Manen’s (1990, 2014) guidelines and in Chapter 5; how I synthesized themes, within and between the research texts, is discussed in this section. It is important to highlight that I went through each transcript, one at a time. I chose not to analyze multiple research texts at once because I wanted to be fully immersed. I often gave myself a couple day break between transcripts so I would not impose the meanings from one text onto another. That being said, there were times where analysis on one text would help me understand meanings in other texts. When this was the case, I wrote about how certain meanings between interviews were similar in order to remain open during data analysis. Though there are no specific guidelines given on how to synthesize themes, van Manen (1990) indicates that the final themes should share similar lived meanings. After analyzing and reflecting on a research text, I would write out each of the meanings that emerged from thematic analysis on a whiteboard. I would then go through and group similar meanings together. This would often take a couple of days, with changes coming as I considered how the initial quotes fit within the tentative themes that I developed. Once I felt like every meaning had a place that fit for the time being, I briefly reflected on the essence of each theme. This was the beginning of the deepening process for me. After I finished analysis CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 68 on each of the five research texts, I went back to each text and ensured that my initial thematic analysis made sense and was well organized. In the case of my first two participants, I reorganized the analysis, which I found to be disorganized compared to the last three participants. Before synthesizing themes between participants, I ensured that I clearly articulated what was included in each theme for each participant. I summarized the main points in bullet points in a Word document. Similarly, van Manen (1990) offers no specific criteria on how to combine the themes between research texts. It is important to note that hermeneutic phenomenology does not require themes to be seen universally across participants to be written into the phenomenological texts. In fact, themes unique to individual participants are valued (van Manen, 2014). I first, started, by writing out each of the themes (and their essential elements) up for each participant on a sheet of paper. Afterwards, I put each sheet of paper in front of me and simply marked with colours and symbols which essential elements from each participant seemed to carry the same meaning. I created a document with the shared meanings and explicitly tied the meanings to quotes from the interviews. Once I had all the quotes and meanings together within a theme, I reflected on whether the final themes should be put together differently. This process took me about a week. Overall, the themes came together quite easily. I detailed my process of analysis carefully in Word documents. It is important to remember that themes will not reflect the truth, but serve to “point at, to allude to, or hint at an aspect of phenomenon” (van Manen, 1990, p. 29). Phenomenological analysis: Writing the themes. The phenomenological text was written over the span of a month. The final themes that seemed to capture the essence of praying in therapy were used to structure the phenomenological text. Before writing the text, I grouped quotes together within themes that seemed to share similar underlying meanings. The CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 69 phenomenological text developed from writing out the essential meanings of the included quotes. I continually edited the phenomenological text, adding depth as I came into closer contact with each of the lived meanings through writing. While writing the text, as in analysis, clear images and metaphors came to me. I incorporated these images into the phenomenological text, hoping that it would help evoke the lived, experiential meaning of praying in therapy for readers. Validity in phenomenological texts. Validity, in hermeneutic phenomenological research, is not sought by asking participants if the text is accurate (van Manen, 2014). Instead, researchers are concerned about the resonance of the phenomenological text. Iconic validity, or the resonance of the text, is established by asking participants if they recognize and/or feel connected to the lived experience through reading the phenomenological text (e.g., “can you see yourself having this experience?”; M. van Manen, personal communication, October 16, 2016). Iconic validity can also be achieved by asking others, who have not experienced the phenomenon of interest, if they could imagine what the experience was like from the phenomenological text. Any feedback is used to strengthen the writing of the phenomenological text. For my thesis, I asked my research supervisor, two participants, two colleagues, and a family member to read the phenomenological text. The three people who experienced praying in therapy indicated that the text resonated well with their experiences. The other two said that they had a deeper understanding of the lived experience of praying in therapy through reading the phenomenological text. Rigour of Hermeneutic Phenomenological Research Establishing rigour for qualitative research has been widely debated, as many researchers inconspicuously apply criteria used for quantitative research to qualitative research (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006; Nealms, 2015). These criteria include credibility (how the research fits with CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 70 participants/large group) and confirmability (neutrality and generalizability of findings). While these criteria fit with post-positivist qualitative research, both are considered inconsistent with the paradigm and philosophy of hermeneutic phenomenological research (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006; Koch & Harrington, 1998; Nealms, 2015). As noted above, hermeneutic phenomenological research is concerned with iconic validity, not credibility. The phenomenological text seeks to convey the lived meanings of a phenomenon, not specific details of participants’ experiences. Instead of generalizing results to a whole population, phenomenological research, instead, hopes to foster “thoughtful sensitivity, tactfulness, and meaningful understanding” (van Manen, 2014, p. 351) to circumstances professionals face. Second, phenomenological researchers are not concerned with confirmability in the same way as post-positivist researchers are. Instead of claiming to be value-free, phenomenologist researchers are purposefully self-aware to suspend biases to be open to new ways of seeing the lived experience as part of the reduction. Researchers’ pre-understandings may, however, inform and deepen analysis (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006; Finlay, 2011). Regardless of how much personal experiences and understanding of the world inform the research text, it is important for researchers to show the “soundness of the interpretive processes demonstrated in the study” (van Manen, 2014, p. 348); this will be further discussed below. In 2006, de Witt and Ploeg developed criteria for rigour in hermeneutic phenomenological research, which includes, “balanced integration, openness, concreteness, resonance, and actualization” (p. 224). Below, I describe each of these criteria and how they were addressed in this research process. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 71 Balanced Integration This principle includes three parts. First, it is important for researchers to articulate the philosophy underlying their phenomenological approach and how their research approach is appropriate. Both of these have been addressed in this chapter. The second aspect is to intertwine “philosophical concepts within the study methods” (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006, p. 224). As indicated above, continual openness and wonder, facilitated by the epoché-reduction, was an essential part of my process throughout data analysis. Throughout my thesis, I wrote about my thoughts, opinions, struggles, and interpretations in data analysis documents for each participant and in my reflexive journal. I share about my process in Chapter 5. Finally, researchers must balance participant voice and interpretation. Throughout thematic analysis, it was integral for me to tie my interpretations to participants’ experiences. Instead of straying too far away, I ensured I could relate my interpretations to what was said in my interviews with participants. Experiential material was incorporated into the phenomenological text using participant quotes (italicized in the phenomenological text). Openness Openness is the “orientation and attunement to the phenomena that an interpretive phenomenological researcher adopts and sustains” (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006, p. 225). An attitude of openness encapsulates being aware of one’s biases and assumptions in order to see the complexity of human experience throughout the research process (Finlay, 2011; van Manen, 1990, 2014). In an attitude of openness, it is important to clearly account for how decisions were made (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006; Koch & Harrington, 1998). As indicated above, I kept a reflexive journal (via Word documents) where I clearly articulated my biases and assumptions and thoroughly detailed my interpretive process. Readers are encouraged to go to Chapter 5 to read a CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 72 detailed account of my process throughout this research from beginning to end. In this chapter, I not only explicitly reflect on some of my assumptions and interpretive processes, but also include excerpts from my research journal. Concreteness Concreteness occurs when readers are able to experience an event through the description of the researcher. This is challenging because language must act as a substitute for the experience (van Manen, 2006). There are many ways I worked to create a concrete text for readers. I first tried to remain oriented to the lived experience in the phenomenological text by providing readers with rich descriptions (van Manen, 1990). A rich description requires sensitive and thoughtful reflection to show the many layers of lived experience. As indicated above, I carefully analyzed each research text over time, which allowed new understandings to emerge as I more deeply engaged in analysis. I also wrote and re-wrote the research text to continue deepening my understanding of the lived experience. I asked for feedback from my supervisor, colleagues, and two participants to ensure that the phenomenological text was vivid and elicited an understanding of praying in therapy (iconic validity). As de Witt and Ploeg (2006) and van Manen (1990, 2014) recommend, I also tried to engage readers through using relatable, but evocative language. As indicated, the people who had experienced praying in therapy (two participants and one colleague) said the phenomenological text resonated with their experiences. Those who had not prayed in therapy reflected that they were able to experience what praying in therapy was like for participants through reading the phenomenological text. Resonance Resonance is the felt experience elicited by reading a passage. According to van Manen (1997), this means going beyond thoughts and words, to get a deeper understanding of what that CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 73 experience was like. As discussed above, I spent considerable time writing and rewriting my interpretation of participant experiences, including seeking feedback on how readers felt when reading the phenomenological text. In my writing, I tried to enhance the felt sense of noncognitive modes of knowing through using literary devices (such as punctuation, metaphors, and sentence length) and evocative descriptors. All participants who gave feedback indicated that the text vividly captured their experiences. Colleagues, too, reflected that they felt connected to the lived experience of praying in therapy through reading the text. Actualization Actualization occurs when the study “addresses the future realization of resonance” (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006, p. 226) of reported findings, meaning that research studies should articulate that the process of interpretation is continuous. Through my methods section, I discussed the continuous nature of interpretation of hermeneutic phenomenology. Before the phenomenological text, I also reminded and encouraged readers to engage with the text, including honouring their own questions and interpretations of the lived experience. Summary of Methodology In this chapter, I delineated both the philosophy and process of the research methodology used to understand Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy: hermeneutic phenomenology. This approach to research was chosen because understanding experience as it is lived through is emphasized. With so little research on clients’ experiences of praying in therapy, this focus allowed me to explore the meaning of praying in an in-depth manner. For this thesis, I followed van Manen’s (1990, 2014) guidelines to hermeneutic phenomenological research, which includes: adopting an attitude of openness, seeking descriptions of the lived experience of praying in therapy through interviewing others, reflecting on the essential CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 74 meanings of praying in therapy, describing the lived experience through writing, and staying oriented to the lived experience. In this chapter, I also delineated how I carried out this research. This encompassed how I recruited participants, accessed the lived experience through interviewing, carried out thematic analysis, and wrote the phenomenological text. Finally, in this chapter I also described the rigour criteria developed for hermeneutic phenomenological research (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006) – balanced integration, openness, concreteness, resonance, and actualization – and how these criteria were met throughout this thesis. In the subsequent chapter, I shared the findings that emerged from following this research process. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 75 CHAPTER 4: RESEARCH FINDINGS As indicated in the previous chapter, the researching findings of hermeneutic phenomenological research are not simply themes, but the phenomenological text. The phenomenological text seeks to illuminate the meanings of a phenomenon; in this case, the lived experience of praying in therapy. This process of writing and the phenomenological text, itself, is tenuous—as the writer of the phenomenological text, I tried to portray something as it existed when I, as the researcher, could only gain access to the lived experience through the memory of others. It is my hope that the phenomenological text conveys what praying in therapy is like, not only cognitively but emotionally and spiritually as well. While the themes are not the forefront of the phenomenological text, it is important to remember that they constitute the layers and dimensions of the lived through experience (van Manen, 1990, 2014). Themes, in this research, were deepened and dramatized and gave the phenomenological text its structure. Before presenting the text, I first want to share about how participants’ experienced praying in therapy. I will then explore the themes and how the metaphor that underlies the phenomenological text came to be. Participants’ Experiences of Praying in Therapy Before exploring the themes and the phenomenological text below, it is important to describe each participants’ experiences of praying in therapy. In accordance with my methodology, readers do not need to be able to identify which participant shared what in the phenomenological text (van Manen, 2014). Instead, I share about each participants’ experiences to illuminate contextual factors that influenced how praying in therapy was experienced. Below, I first describe each participants’ experiences; I will then summarize pertinent information in a table that follows. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 76 Experiences Shared As a reminder, I followed a semi-structured interview guide, wherein I asked each participant to describe their experience of praying in therapy, including what was said and done in the prayer. Before getting into the description of the lived experience, I also asked contextual questions surrounding when participants’ prayed in therapy, why they prayed, and who initiated the prayer (see Appendix E for full interview guide). These questions provided scaffolding in which the meaning of the experience could be understood. Below, I describe both the context and content of participants’ experiences of praying in therapy. It is important to note that each participant ‘name’ below is a pseudonym. Deanne. In our interview, Deanne shared two experiences with me. While I initially planned to ask about experiences that happened in the last year, Deanne asked to share experiences that happened 8-10 years ago. Fortunately, Deanne vividly remembered the emotions and sensations she felt while praying with her therapist. Deanne started seeing this therapist after trying therapy with a secular counsellor. She felt as though that therapist misunderstood her on many levels, in part, because he did not seem to understand her faith. Because her counselling was set up through insurance, she went back and specifically asked for a Christian counsellor. She deemed this to be a much better fit for her. The first experience shared was the first time Deanne and her therapist prayed together (this occurred about ten years before our interview). This experience happened a few months into counselling (around six to eight sessions in) when both her and her therapist built rapport with one another; Deanne recounted that she felt comfortable with her therapist at this time because she knew they shared the same faith. Because she was very much struggling mentally and emotionally at this time, Deanne reflected that she asked for prayer because she felt that she CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 77 needed it in that moment. She shared that praying sustained her through her suffering outside of the therapy room and that is why she, too, wanted praying to become part of therapy. Her therapist agreed to pray for her and proceeded to pray Psalm 23 (a verse from the Christian Bible). Deanne recalled how she bowed her head, folded her hands, closed her eyes, while her therapist put her hands palm up while they prayed together. Throughout our interview, she recounted how peaceful and calm she felt in that moment. The second experience shared was a joint prayer (about eight years before our interview). At this point in counselling, Deanne and her therapist prayed together more frequently, sometimes together or separately. Deanne consistently described her relationship with her therapist positively; she indicated that praying together continually strengthened how close she felt to her therapist. For this experience, Deanne could not remember what specifically prompted the prayer, though did recount there were many negative events happening in her life at that time. The exact details of this prayer, too, were difficult to remember. Though it was a joint prayer (meaning Deanne also prayed out-loud), Deanne could not remember what she said and did in that moment. She, however, remembered that her therapist prayed the the Scripture, “by His stripes, we are healed” (a verse from the Christian Bible) and also asked God to give Deanne healing and peace through the trials she was facing. She indicated their body positions were similar to the first prayer experience. Again, Deanne was able to vividly describe the calm she felt during the prayer. After this prayer, Deanne’s therapist shared that she felt as though God was telling her Deanne would not die from a medical condition. Jaclyn. In our interview, Jaclyn also shared two experiences with me. Jaclyn, too, purposefully sought counselling with a Christian. She became connected with this therapist through mentors; she specifically went to this therapist because she knew that praying would be CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 78 part of therapy. Jaclyn’s therapist prayed with her from her first session onwards. Jaclyn indicated that her therapist started their first session with prayer before they knew each other. Her therapist did not ask if she wanted to pray, but more so started the session with let us pray together. Jaclyn experienced this to be unsurprising and positive because she expected praying to be part of her therapy. The first experience shared was a ritualized prayer that her therapist began all of their counselling sessions with; only her therapist would pray out-loud, while Jaclyn would listen. This prayer always consisted of the same words, which followed the armour of God (verse from the Christian Bible) and what this meant for both of them in their counselling sessions. Jaclyn said that she initially did not like this prayer because of its structure; this was different than the way she normally prayed in her own life. She reflected, however, that she began to embrace it over time. In the interview I asked Jaclyn what experience of this prayer she wanted to focus on. She chose the moment where she actively began to participate in this prayer (three or four sessions in). She noted that her therapist would close her eyes, fold her hands, and bow her head to pray; Jaclyn said she would adopt a position that felt most comfortable to her in that moment. At this point in time, Jaclyn said she felt comfortable with her therapist, though also reflected that praying helped her trust her therapist because she knew that God was involved in the counselling work they were about to do. The second prayer experience shared was the process of writing a forgiveness prayer insession. This session happened near the end of her counselling when she had been seeing her therapist for a few months. In this experience, her therapist followed a pre-existing template, as a structure, to help Jaclyn forgive someone whose actions hurt her. Jaclyn said her therapist followed this template as they created the prayer together, though made the prayer personal and CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 79 relevant to what Jaclyn experienced. This prayer was joint because Jaclyn contributed to the wordings and semantics of the prayer throughout; she, however, was led through this process by her therapist. Jaclyn was sitting and typing out the prayer on her computer during this experience, while her therapist was standing up and writing out the prayer on a whiteboard. She indicated that she felt relaxed and engaged during this process. While this is not a conventional form of prayer, Jaclyn very much felt that God was involved and active in that process; I thus included this moment as an experience of praying in my thesis. Laurel. Because of recent difficult life experiences, Laurel sought counselling with her therapist—initially thinking counselling would focus on her children. The therapist recommended that Laurel see him for a couple of individual follow-up sessions, to which she agreed. Laurel said that she purposely chose this counsellor because she knew he was a Christian and hoped that he would pray. The experience that Laurel shared was in their second session of counselling. Though she only met him once prior, she felt as though her therapist understood what she was going through. This therapist asked Laurel if he could pray for her at the end of the session. When she agreed, he moved closer to her (though they did not touch) and he bowed his head, folded his hands; she remembers adopting a similar position. Laurel reflected that her therapist asked for Jesus to help her carry her burden and weights. She remembered seeing Jesus take her yoke and feeling her burdens lift. This experience was very vivid for Laurel because she really felt like Jesus was there and present with her. In their next session Laurel and her therapist debriefed what that prayer was like for her. Lisa. Lisa purposely pursued counselling in the church she attended so counselling would incorporate her faith. Lisa said that praying was very much part of their sessions—they would open and close the session in prayer and would sometimes pray in the middle of the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 80 session as well. In our interview, Lisa shared her most recent experience of praying with her therapist. This occurred a few months into their counselling; at this time, Lisa said she felt close and comfortable with her therapist. At the end of the therapy session, Lisa’s therapist asked her if she could pray for what they talked about in her session, to which Lisa agreed. This included for praying for people Lisa was worried about, as well as for Lisa in her worry for them amidst her own struggles. In this interview, I did not ask about body position of Lisa and her therapist, nor did Lisa mention it as part of her description of the prayer experience. Lisa shared that she was relieved to have someone help her pray. Of all of the interviews, Lisa spoke the most about what it meant to have her therapist pray for her. Ree. My final interview was with Ree, who shared about a visualization intervention in therapy that turned into a form of prayer for her. This visualization exercise occurred during her third session. While Ree knew her therapist was a Christian entering into therapy, she was unsure how or if this would become part of counselling. She said she was pleasantly surprised by how her therapist incorporated the Christian faith in therapy, namely through Scripture and initiating prayer. At the time of the visualization exercise (three sessions into counselling), Ree felt close with her therapist and trusted him and the guidance he would give her. Her therapist described what a visualization was and asked Ree if she was willing to try it, to which she agreed. He then told her to sit in a comfortable position, with her feet on the ground, and her eyes closed. The visualization started with Ree returning to many difficult and traumatic life experiences. As she was in the visualization, her therapist asked her whether she could see Jesus. While this initially surprised her, Ree reflected that she felt that God was there with her, both in guiding the visualization process and also in those difficult moments of her lives. In this visualization, Ree’s therapist also guided her towards forgiving. He started the prayer and she CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 81 carried on. She could not remember the words of that prayer, but felt as though she was being guided by something outside of herself (she attributed this to the Holy Spirit). In her experience, Ree gave rich descriptions of what it was like to encounter God. While not a conventional form of prayer, Ree expressed that this was a moment of prayer for her. My supervisor and I too deemed this was an experience of praying. For myself, this was a reminder that praying can take on many forms. Ree and her therapist debriefed this experience afterwards. Summary of Experiences Below, I include a brief table that summarizes some of the aforementioned information. Instead of describing the experiences, I label the experiences using the typologies of Poloma and Pendleton (1991) and Laird et al. (2004). Instead of adopting one of the typologies, I chose to include both as there are nuances in each that better reflect the experiences that were shared; for example, Poloma and Pendleton (1991) explicitly delineate ritualized prayer, which Laird et al. (2004) do not. These typologies can be found on pages 14-15 for a review. Table 1 Summary of context of participants’ experiences of praying Participant Prayer Type Initiated By Deanne • Ritualized- Psalm 23 • Deanne Who Prayed • Therapist • Ritualized & SupplicationScripture and for healing • Unknown • Ritualized- follow Scripture • Therapist • Ritualized- forgiveness prayer • Therapist • Therapist led and Jaclyn contributed Laurel • Supplication- prayer for burden to be released • Therapist • Therapist Lisa • Supplication- pray for help with responsibilities • Therapist • Therapist Jaclyn • Both- Deanne recalled therapists’ words • Therapist CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING Ree • Meditative- experienced God as present during visualization 82 • Therapist led • Therapist started and Ree continued to engage Similarities Between Experiences The research findings – the themes and the phenomenological text – may have been influenced by similarities between the praying experiences shared by participants, though none of these similarities were purposefully recruited for. All participants saw therapists who were also Christian. Four of the five participants purposefully sought therapy with someone of the same faith, while the fifth participant was pleasantly surprised by how their therapist incorporated religion and spirituality in therapy. All participants, too, voiced that praying was an essential part of their lives outside of therapy and that spirituality was explicitly incorporated in therapy in many ways, including through conversations and through reading Scripture. Praying, thus, was not done in isolation but consistent with their lives and the focus of therapy. All participants also chose to share experiences that were positive and those guided and led by their therapist. It is, too, important to highlight that the prayers shared were almost all clientcentred—focused on participants’ needs. The first prayer that Jaclyn shared (ritualized opening prayer) was not entirely focused on Jaclyn as the words of the prayer were directed towards both her and her therapist as they entered into therapy together. Jaclyn, however, experienced these words to be comforting and needed as she settled into therapy. With the context of and similarities between the prayer experiences in mind, I now turn to the essential meanings of praying in therapy. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 83 Themes of the Lived Experience of Praying in Therapy As indicated above, the themes, or the structures of meaning of praying in therapy, developed from 5-months of thematic analysis. What surprised me most about this process was how so many of the experiences, though quite different in form and structure, overlapped in the meanings they shared. Eight themes emerged: (1) getting out of the wilderness: seeking support through life’s valleys; (2) walking with you: therapist guidance and support; (3) you’re doing your part: following and participating in prayer; (4) from wreck to refuge: the sanctuary of prayer; (5) right here: acknowledging and encountering the Light; (6) I’ve got your back: letting go and leaning on God; (7) scales falling away: clarity through prayer; and (8) journeying on: walking into a new day. Getting out of the wilderness encapsulates both the brokenness that participants felt entering into therapy and the significance of embracing their faith in these moments. Walking with you delineates how participants encountered their therapist through praying together—as someone who both guided and supported them through their words in actions during prayer. You’re doing your part encompasses how participants actively engaged and chose to be a part of praying. From wreck to refuge seeks to illuminate how praying created a calm, protected, peaceful space in participants lives. Right here explores how praying in therapy opened up an opportunity to both acknowledge and be in a relationship with God. I’ve got your back relays how participants let go of their weights, responsibilities, and worries to God. Scales falling away seeks to describe how participants’ perspective and experience of themselves, others, and their world changed through praying. Finally, journeying on discusses how praying sustained and changed participants outside of their prayer experience. While van Manen (2014) contends that themes and the phenomenological text should solely be focused on the lived experience, two of the themes in this research – getting out of the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 84 wilderness and journeying on – are somewhat contextual. Both themes are, technically, outside of the moment of praying together: (1) the days or months leading up to the the lived experience; and (8) what happened after the lived experience of praying in therapy. For me, the lived meaning of praying in therapy could not simply be separated from these themes because they occurred at a different point in time; participants readily and openly shared about their lives entering and leaving their experience of praying in therapy. Throughout the interviews, for example, it was apparent that the lived experience partly derived its meaning because it contrasted the darkness of participants’ lives. The significance and continuity of faith, too, was important to highlight in the phenomenological text: all five participants shared about the meaning of their faith with little prompting. All participants also emphatically explained how their experience of praying changed and touched them outside of the therapy room. In this way, I felt it was very important to honour the lasting changes these women experienced in their lives. While not in the moment of the prayer, the meaning of the experience was carried, revisited, and lived through in an enduring way. For these reasons, both these themes were included and became part of the phenomenological text. Phenomenological Text As mentioned, the phenomenological text seeks to evoke an understanding of the lived meaning of praying in therapy. Through analysis, a metaphor, life as a journey or path, continually emerged as significant for each participant. The metaphor that underlies the phenomenological text, thus, became one of journeying through the dark valleys that we, as humans, inevitably face in our lives. While this metaphor may sound like a cliché, I realized, throughout my thesis, that it is easy to skim over what it means to live life as a journey. It is tempting to view our walk in life as a simple linear path where we get from Point A to Point B. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 85 In actuality, and echoed with the participants I met with, life is full of ups and downs, unwieldy paths, and dead ends. We seem to forget or skim over these dark parts of our lives once we are out of them. While these parts of life are painful, meaning often seems to emerge from them. The language that participants used to describe the lived meaning of praying in therapy, in many ways, followed the narrative of a journey. Though I did not ask for a narrative, I was gifted with one. If I had to distill this narrative down to one word, it is movement: movement from being in a place of hurt and distress to the dawning of a new day, a more hopeful day. It is important to highlight that praying in therapy is not one clear, instant, miraculous path that moved these women from darkness to light. That is much too simple for the complex world we live in. The path to healing emerged from many other sources, including social support, therapy, and joining groups. Many of the participants highlighted that the path to healing continues on today: deep despair cannot be resolved in one moment. Instead, praying, both inside and outside of therapy, was described repeatedly as part of the path to healing. Not just the path, but part of the journey to healing and renewal. The metaphor of praying as part of the path towards healing started with the evocative language participants used to describe their lives (e.g., fog, wilderness, walking, journeying). Though I did not know where it would go, these images stayed in my mind throughout data analysis. By the time I started analyzing my last interview, I realized that almost all participants described their process of healing as part of their path or journey. As I finished analysis, I could not shake that the lived through experience of praying could be represented or described as elements and encounters on a path, from hurt to hope. I fought this metaphor because it was not clean, simple, or easy to explain. And yet anytime I tried to see praying in therapy differently, I came back to this image, this metaphor of being stuck in a dark valley, to encountering CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 86 relationship, to walking into a new day. The complexity of this metaphor seemed to be an appropriate parallel to the complexity and mystery of the lived meaning of praying in therapy. Throughout the phenomenological text, this metaphor of praying being part of the path to healing unfolded a bit like the narrative I described. The journey to healing began with being stuck in a dark, hopeless place. Praying in therapy was meaningful and powerful for participants precisely because of its contrast to the darkness of their lives. From loneliness to being embraced; pain to relief; being lost to being guided; spiritual oppression to encounter; uncertainty to clarity—darkness to light. In writing the phenomenological text, many images related to walking through the valley helped me understand and elucidate the meanings of praying in therapy (further explored in Chapter 5). It is with all of this in mind that I encourage you, the reader, to approach this phenomenological text with openness and curiosity. My goal was not to explain or theorize about praying in therapy but bring life and vividness to this beautifully intimate and complex moment. Ultimately, it is my hope that this text resonates with and touches you on some level— even if it cannot be named. As you read the phenomenological text, I invite you to engage with it in a way that is best suited to you – through questioning, reflection, and continued interpretation. You may see, experience, and interact with the text in a way different than myself. Should you, as the reader, want to evaluate the phenomenological text, van Manen (2014) provides criteria for this purpose. In evaluating the text, van Manen (2014) does not mean logically critiquing it, but “meeting with it, going through it, encountering it, suffering it, consuming it, and, as well, being consumed by it” (p. 355). For this purpose, the following criteria are given: CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 87 (1) Heuristic questioning: Does the text induce a sense of contemplative wonder and questioning attentiveness?... (2) Descriptive richness: Does the text contain rich and recognizable experiential material? (3) Interpretive depth: Does the text offer reflective insights that go beyond the taken-forgranted assumptions of everyday life? (4) Distinctive rigor: Does the text remain constantly guided by a self-critical question of the distinct meaning of the phenomenon or event? (5) Strong and addressive meaning: Does the text “speak” to and address our sense of embodied being? (6) Experiential awakening: Does the text awaken prereflective or primal experience through vocative and presentative language? (7) Inceptual ephiphany: Does the study offer us the possibility of deeper and original insight, and perhaps, an intuitive or inspirited grasp of the ethics…of life commitments and practices? (van Manen, 2014, p. 355-356) With this in mind, the phenomenological text awaits below. Getting Out of the Wilderness: Seeking Support Through Life’s Valleys In order to understand the meaning of praying in therapy, it is important to reflect on how praying in therapy came to be. The participants4 I met with spoke of how they were often able to manage and deal with the inevitable setbacks, losses, and daily stresses that they faced in their lives. At some point, however, the twists and turns of their lives became completely overwhelming – whether the loss of a relationship, an ever-increasing amount of work and worries, or a sadness that made a heavy home in their heart. Instead of the ease, familiarity, and warmth they used to feel in their everyday existence, they felt themselves descend into a much darker and more uncertain place. Whether an insidious crack or instant snap, what they knew 4 In the rest of the phenomenological text the participants in this research are referred to, instead, as “these women”. I found this designation much more relatable than referring to them as participants, which felt separate and awkward when I first wrote it in the text. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 88 about themselves and their world shattered. Their lives as they once existed came to halt. They felt the shards of their brokenness within. My body just kind of broke down on me. And my thinking broke down on me. I couldn’t really function. [I wanted] to stop crying at work, to stop crying on a daily basis, stop the guilt feeling of my ex passing away without knowing where he stood… you’re burying, thinking did I cause this, or what could be different? It is in this place of brokenness and despair that they became stuck inside of themselves. Questions and doubts spun endlessly in their minds. How could I have done that differently and better? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get over this? They could not move forward, past, or through the dark valley they found themselves stuck in. They became locked inside of their inner darkness. With the hurt and suffering that plagued their daily lives, it was hard to see and experience the world apart from their worries. You’re so in your own head, like you’re so trapped in your head that it’s really important that I can get out. So all that past of thinking, I sure wish things would’ve been different, I sure wish this, that sits heavy on you because it didn’t happen and you just wish it would’ve. What is worse, perhaps, is that they really did not know how to get out of their dark valley of despair. They were not the people they once were, managing and doing with ease. Everything took so much more effort than they remembered. Instead of confidently knowing what to do and where to go, they were enveloped by a thick fog. They felt disoriented and entirely lost in their suffering. Though they knew they wanted to feel better, they did not have the faintest clue on how to get out of this darkness alone. My mind was such a mess. For you personally, things can become pretty foggy and chaotic. Being stuck in this valley, stuck inside of their worries, was a lonely place to be. Though friends and family cared about them, they feared telling them about their despair. Would their friends be able to understand the depths they reached? What would their family say or do? They wanted to protect and shield those closest to them from their darkness—how could I burden the ones that I love? It was simpler to keep it to themselves, to keep holding it in, to keep trying to trudge forward on their own. Oh, the irony of this! In their loneliness, they knew they needed someone to lean on and care for them. Mental illness is a terrible thing because it just isolates, everybody just gets so isolated. I felt like I was playing the role of counsellor for a lot of people in my life and I felt like there was nobody in my life at the moment who was stable enough to help me with my problems. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 89 They could not take this dark valley any longer. They could not take the hurt, the confusion, the loneliness that permeated their existence in this world. They needed someone else to help them sort through the mess of their lives. To get out of this place, they needed to grasp onto someone outside of their chaos. They needed someone with the time, the knowledge, the training to help them through this darkness. If these women could have figured it out on their own, they would have. And yet their darkness was consuming – they were lost, scared, and hurting. In their loneliness and despair, they courageously sought support. I was ready to get unstuck and move forward and come out of the wilderness that I felt that I had been battling for a while. I wanted to have a professional opinion of where I was at. Because when your whole life goes upside down you think you’re okay and then all the sudden you’re not. You really do need somebody who is trained, who is educated, who can read the signs to help you figure out where you’re at, not just in your heart [but also] in your mind. It just got to this point where I was like I need to talk to somebody about this who can just sit there and not react. Though they were barely managing, there was one ray of light in their lives that kept them until this point. In their suffering and hurt, these women leaned into their faith. Faith was not just something they practiced or believed but made up the very fibre of their being and existence. In this darkness, they knew they needed something much bigger than themselves to hold and sustain them through. I just became more dependent on the Lord for everything in my life…very dependent on everything, understanding, just all practical things, all spiritual things, all emotional – everything. I just had to take it to the Lord because I wasn’t myself at all. And yet, with their inner fog it was hard to know what God was doing. Even though they desired to be near to God, they questioned whether they were really cared for. Why do I suffer so terribly? Why is God allowing this to happen? Though faith was an important part their lives, they struggled to reconcile their beliefs with all that happened to them. They struggled to make sense of why God allowed such destruction and hurt in their lives. There was an oppression there…spiritually too. For these reasons, a tension existed as they sought therapy. They knew that they needed help. They, however, wanted counselling to align with who they were and what they believed at their very core. If counselling was only about treating and talking about their mental and emotional needs, part of their struggle, their sustaining anchor until this point, the essence of their existence would be entirely missed. This, of course, was their faith – their relationship with God. To really help them, struggles and strengths, their therapist needed to understand their faith. To be free from the dark valley they were stuck in, they knew that their healing could not just be mental and physical. It needed to be spiritual as well. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 90 Counselling was secondary to going to the Lord as far as I was concerned but I knew I needed counselling because I knew I was in a very dangerous spot. I just wanted to make sure I was on the same page as my counsellor. We have spiritual needs, as well as physical and mental needs. So instead of seeking just any mental health support, they found a therapist who shared a similar worldview, who understood faith in their lives. In doing so, these women knew that they shared the same foundation with their therapist; a foundation that could be built upon in therapy. Instead of focusing only on their struggles, therapy helped bring these women outside of themselves to the One who sustains and supports in a way that techniques do not. Instead of focusing only on surface problems and solutions, their counselling touched on so much more. They felt the ground of therapy was stable. They felt comforted by the fact that they did not just need to rely on themselves – after all, this was not working. Therapy, thus, not only helped them mentally but also deepened their understanding of what they believed and their relationship with God. Therapy was grounded in their faith, which helped these women move through their suffering. To just be grounded in the truth of who God is and what He’s doing and how He’s working in my life is a lot more important to me than being able to master a breathing technique. I found [secular counselling] too me-focused. So I found that I was looking for something that could almost like pull me out of myself and remind me of the bigger picture. Biblical counselling, for me, did that much better. [We get] down to the root of things, instead of always floating at the surface…Counselling outside of the church, I kind of feel like I’m in a boat in the ocean and I’m just sort of like being waved back and forth, like I’m kind of controlling the boat and I kinda know where we’re going with all of this, but I’m not quite sure. Whereas with biblical counselling, I feel like I have an anchor and it’s just keeping me focused on what’s really important, what really matters. There were many ways that these women experienced spirituality as part of therapy – conversations about faith, Scripture, and even praying. Indeed, they wanted to pray with their therapist because it brought continuity into the therapy room. Outside of therapy, they talked to God when they need support and guidance. As they went to therapy for the same things, they wanted their relationship with God to be a part of this. They needed to purposefully invite God into the process. They needed to rely on wisdom and insight much bigger than themselves. They yearned for the safety and peace of praying as they worked through their wounds. Praying, thus, became part of walking through their inner darkness. I was just so desperate that I just needed her to pray so I asked her. We needed to invite the Holy Spirit into the conversation and into the going forward and the present and the future… [I wanted] comfort and direction and like all the things we ask for in prayer. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 91 It is in this descent into the valley that praying and therapy, separately and together, became meaningful to these women as they worked through the darkness of their lives. Having their therapist pray with and for them is one way they were guided and supported through this dark path. Walking with You: Therapist Guidance and Support It was disorienting to walk on a path obscured by fog. Though these women knew where they wanted to go – healing and being well – they could not see how they could get there. How do I heal myself? If they knew how to be well, they would not be stuck in this place of uncertainty and hurt. They knew they could not get through this place on their own. In their loneliness and despair, they longed to have someone grab onto their hand and hold it tightly. They knew that they needed someone to guide and walk with them through this unwieldy path. In seeking help, their therapist was one person who joined them in their walk through the dark valley. It comforted them to have someone walking with them who did not have the same fog and uncertainty about their lives. In praying with them, their therapist brought clarity, perspective, and groundedness in their faith that these women could not. Praying, then, became a way in which their therapist took their hand and began to help them journey through their fog. And to have someone to pray for you with purpose, they’re sort of one step removed from all of the emotional chaos and stuff. It can just help you then to clarify your prayer life as well, I think, to make it more purposeful or with more direction. Through their therapists’ steadfast presence and steady voice, these women knew that they were no longer alone, walking through the dark land by themselves. In that moment, they were aware someone was with them, physically and spiritually near—ready to support them through. Unlike the loneliness they felt outside of this room, here, they had someone with them on this desolate path. What was said through praying was done together. [My therapist] just moved, he leaned in and pulled his chair over and we bowed our heads together. Their therapists’ understanding words, in prayer, assured them that they did not need to weather life’s storms alone. In therapy, they felt their therapist take their hand and journey with them. Their therapist listened, helped them through their chaos both in therapy and through praying. With someone by their side, these women felt reassured. They did not have to carry their load and fight forward relying only upon their own exhausted body. They leaned into their therapist, thankful that someone was with them through this darkness. [My therapist was like] I’m going to help you through this, I’ll be here for you and we’re going to work through this together. And that was really nice. Because I felt like now somebody else was sharing – my counsellor was sharing my burden of even just praying for somebody else [when] I can’t always find the words. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 92 Having their therapist guide prayer gave these women a moment where they did not have to forge their way forward relying on themselves. Because their therapist took the lead, they did not have to worry about what to say or where to go. This was unlike the rest of life where they needed to make decisions for themselves and others. For a moment, they breathed a sigh of relief. They did not have to figure this out alone. It kind of feels like somebody else is in charge for a time, which I don’t like get a lot in life I guess. It was reassuring that they did not need to take charge of finding their way out of their darkness; they knew they could not see or find their way out. Being outside of this fog, their therapist gave them much needed direction. Their therapist’s guiding words helped them journey somewhere they needed but could not necessarily see on their own. Through listening to what they said and left unsaid, their therapist guided them towards vulnerability, hurts, needs that these women were not always aware of themselves. While they did not always expect or understand why their therapist took them to certain places in praying, they knew that they needed to follow this direction. Something needed to change. And so he says, I think you need to forgive them and I said for what? And, he says I think you need to forgive them for what they did to your ex and how their actions may have impacted him as a person. Without him praying that I don’t necessarily know if I would’ve come to that on my own. When their therapist prayed, they saw what these women hid from others—themselves even. In counselling sessions, their therapist moved beyond the façade they wore for the rest of the world. Their therapist saw these women as they were in the moment, not just how they presented or looked. And as their therapist guided them in prayer, these women’s true needs, the needs they judged or could not see, all of a sudden became explicit. Being known in this way was different. It was different for others to see their naked face. Yet, they did not feel violated or exposed in this vulnerability. When their therapist guided them in prayer, these women felt held. It would be hard to find the words to pray something that almost feel a little bit selfish to me…in my head I know that it’s not, but it’s hard to find the words to pray something like I can’t do this anymore. I get what you’re saying here and it does definitely me feel like you’re being more understood when somebody can say a prayer for you that you couldn’t find the words to say. By guiding these women towards these unnamed and unknown vulnerabilities and needs, they felt fully understood in this short moment of their lives. It was hard to live in a world that demands answers and justifications about preferences, struggles, and more. As their therapist guided them through prayer, these women knew their therapist understood why it was so hard. In the mess of words they presented in their counselling sessions, their therapist actually got it. These women didn’t need to over-explain or explicate, they didn’t need to say, ‘pray for this please’. Their therapist just knew. In listening to the prayer, they noticed how their therapist gave voice to what was so hard to acknowledge and say on their own. [Having my therapist praying], it’s like a very comfortable having somebody in your head. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 93 It was very to the point, yet emotional… it was cool how the words she used were very gentle and yet she just had the right word choice that kind of helped me – a lot of them had to do with the way I told the story. I don’t think that I would have such a positive experience with prayer with necessarily everybody because (pauses) I have been in situations where I was praying with people and they’re just too ethereal for me… So it works well because this woman, she is very down to earth, she’s very practical, she’s very realistic, and that is echoed in the words she says in prayer. I really appreciate that. In venturing through this vulnerability in prayer, these women felt accepted and cared for in this space. When others pray, it can quickly turn into an agenda, a place where exceedingly high expectations are set. When this happens, it becomes difficult to participate in praying at all. How will I ever get to the lofty place they want for me? Unlike these experiences, their therapist really prayed with these women, not for quick fixes. Instead of putting pressure on these women to miraculously change or be different, their therapist prayed for their clients’ needs and vulnerabilities, not their own. Praying in this way had no agenda but supporting these women in that moment and relationship. You feel pressured when people pray over you that like a thing will be gone or the problem will go away. And then you’re like their praying for this for me now, they want this for me (sighs), what if it doesn’t happen? What am I going to do about it?... [when my therapist prays], you feel equipped rather than like something that is expected of you or your life or of a situation. I don’t feel like there’s a place that she wants me to get with like a certain like aha moment about something. And as their therapist guided these women towards their needs and vulnerabilities in prayer, there was no masked judgement or ridicule in their voice. As a matter of fact, their therapist’s confident way of praying gave voice to what these women could not say without judging themselves. As they heard their therapist pray so honestly for them, they began to realize that they should not be ashamed—there was no shame in being vulnerable, nor struggling through their dark, windy path. It is okay for me to struggle. Their therapists’ kind but authoritative voice washed away the shoulds these women carry on their shoulders (I should be stronger; I should be able to manage…). Without this restrictive shame about their needs and struggles, these women felt relieved. For once, these raw spots in their lives were allowed to exist. It’s hard to find the words to pray something like I can’t do this anymore or like you do it. Just to have somebody else pray about it just very like, just say it, non-judgementally. Just the way she acknowledged it and then acknowledged everything that had to do with me. And that whole part was the emotional part. It was like yeah, it did hurt. And just leaving it there and not throwing the but it wasn’t his fault, without throwing that onto the end so quickly. It helped make it emotional, it helped make it more personal, less like an excuse for him. [My therapist praying] kind of just gave me permission to pray for those things, too, that like God help this person because I can’t anymore! Or God help this person and like send somebody else to help CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 94 because I can’t do it all. It was nice to have that freedom, like oh my goodness this person isn’t all my responsibility. Through their therapists’ gentle, kind way of praying, these women heard it was okay to be stuck, labouring through their fog. It was okay that they did not know their way out of the dark valley of their lives. It was okay that they could not fix themselves. By affirming their suffering and toil in prayer, these women were finally freed to be themselves, as they were, in their struggles and strengths. As these women felt their therapist’s supportive hand in their lives, they knew that they would eventually get to the light. They had someone close to them as they ventured forward through the dark paths. It feels a little, too, like you’re being given permission to exist in that uncomfortable place rather than push it away or fix it…It feels more like a walk, walking in a struggle, walking with other people, learning from whatever the situation is, as opposed to just trying to fix it. The therapist wasn’t condescending in his attitude. In this moment of really being seen and accepted, these women realized how few people really know them this way. How many people knew about the depth of their struggles? How many people saw beyond the face they put on to get through the day? This honesty and vulnerability, with another person and with themselves, felt freeing. In these moments they were allowed to be themselves, without fear of ridicule. They were met in this vulnerability with gentle guidance, in praying and in therapy, by someone who really understood. I like have lots of friends…but really only a handful of people that like you get me. I know that you get me. I think just being able to have somebody who’s speaking wisdom into difficult parts, difficult times, difficult situations who you also really feel like you get me, that’s really important to me because I’m a fairly private person…it does mean a lot when I feel like somebody really understands. In knowing and experiencing what it was like to have someone guide and support them in prayer, these women knew that they were loved. Their therapist knew only a small slice of their lives, yet prayed with and for them. These women felt cherished and important; after all, they finally had someone attuned to their struggles and needs. As someone else cared enough about them to pray for them, they felt valuable enough to be prayed for. Through their therapists’ words and guidance, these women experienced themselves as person’s worthy of love and care. I felt love through the therapist…I felt like love from him, but like Christian love, brotherly love…the love that the brethren share from one another. As a woman, it was really powerful to have a man pray certain things for me…. Like what a gift…I felt very special to get that. These women did not know what to expect entering into therapy. At the very least, they knew they were entering into a relationship dictated by a transaction: they paid money to get a service. And yet, the space of praying together built a relationship with their therapist that was so much more. Their relationship deepened, becoming much more than just a service. In prayer, these women felt supported and uplifted by a member of the vast community they are a part of. In CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 95 therapy, they were guided and supported spiritually, not just psychologically. In these moments of praying, they felt close, knowing that God was with them both as they walked through therapy together. Praying together made their relationship with their therapist reciprocal, not transactional. They came to know their therapist as more than just a therapist. They saw and knew another side of their therapist through those sacred moments together. My relationship with my therapist is very deep – like sisters in Christ. I would say she’s still very much my counsellor and it’s still a very professional relationship, however, I think it’s deeper in that I consider her a sister in Christ. She’s my therapist, but she’s also one of my prayer girls, one of the people I pray with. I’m not just a person that he’s counselling. I’m a child of God and he’s taking me under his wing to help me through this time. The relationship these women developed with their therapist in prayer was not just built upon what their therapist said and did. To be in relation with one another required much more— willingly partaking in the relationship offered by praying together. You’re Doing Your Part: Following and Participating in Prayer Being physically present when someone else prayed put these women in a unique position, different from much of their existence as adults in society. Like many adults, they were used to planning, budgeting, and making decisions small and large. Following in prayer, however, plunked these women in a place where they did not need to figure out what to say or what to do. When their therapist guided them in prayer, they became followers. They not only followed and listened to the words of their therapist, but a Force they felt in and around them. Though they could not see it, they knew what they were called to do. In that space, these women were not in charge but led. And while following can be relieving – I don’t have to figure it out for once!! – this was, at times, unchartered territory for their weary feet. In this space, they took a leap of faith as they walked into the unknown. So to kind of just be the one that doesn’t have to talk, doesn’t have to explain things, doesn’t have to work something out, doesn’t have to take charge, it’s nice. It’s nice to have someone. I could feel the Holy Spirit sort of taking on this whole thing and I wasn’t prepared for that. Because prayer was such an important part of their lives, these women were willing to follow their therapist in prayer. They were not coerced or forced into praying with their therapist – just the opposite! They chose to follow because they wanted to pray. There was a yearning, a groaning within them for God to be there and present with them in their hurt—not only in their daily lives but within the therapy room as well. Though they did not know what would be said and done, they were open to it, curious about what would happen. They wanted God to be a part of it all. I had to be open to [praying] and I had to be a willing participant. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 96 I was saying yes Lord, yes Lord. I was in agreement with the Lord, I was that beggar begging for bread. I wanted what God had for me so desperately. I was just saying yes Lord. Significantly, choosing to listen and follow their therapist in prayer was not a blind, nor naïve decision. They followed their therapist because they knew that their therapists’ words, actions, and intent were good. Through their experiences with their therapist, these women knew that they were there to help them venture onwards. So they followed their therapist, trusting they would come out better in the end…even if that meant following what they could not see. At this point, I trusted my counsellor that what was going on here was actually going to be okay. These women, too, knew that their therapists were grounded in their faith and did not carry the same weariness and hopelessness they did. They brought an energizing capability and wisdom to praying. These women knew that they could trust this wisdom and faith. So they followed, hopeful they would get through this dark valley. I just remember thinking oh my goodness, she’s amazing at this…she just kind of sat there and she started like basically praying it, and praying through each step. It was like how is she so good with words? I just remember basically thinking that, like how is she getting this down so fast?... I’m not nearly as good at words as she is, that’s probably why it amazed me so much. There’s a strong connection to his walk with the Lord and the Holy Spirit working in his life, which then gives him a better direction for me. These women, however, did not just sit idly as their therapist guided them in prayer—they too partook. They were not passive spectators, but active participants. They brought themselves into the space of praying and engaged with what was happening in and around them. Whether voiced or inside of their head, they wondered, they questioned, they considered what was happening. At that time, I did question when he said let’s go back and forgive his grandparents for it. I was like what? Like that’s kind of dumb, like what are we doing that for, right? How is it that these women became part of praying without leading or saying the prayer themselves? They knew they were participating, and yet what did it mean to take part in praying? Did they need to do or be something different than what they were? Quite simply, participating meant bringing themselves into that quiet, sacred moment. It was not a matter of paying more attention or contorting their body into a certain position (though that may have helped), but choosing to say “yes” to praying at that moment. It was choosing to listen and engage in a relationship with their therapist and God. Having someone walk with you and be like, let’s slow down, let’s pray, I’ve learnt that you can’t really do it wrong. You can do it or not do it, but you can’t do it wrong. And your part is to pray, so you’re doing your part. Participating in the way the Lord asks you to, which is to pray and trust Him, build your faith, allow Him to work. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 97 In order to enter into this relationship, these women needed to be open. Being closed off, or overly preoccupied by their doubts or thoughts, meant not being part of that moment. It became a place of hearing, but not listening; being physically present, but checked out. It kind of irritated me how slow she talked, like she’s very slow and just like she’s like make like pauses all the time and I remember at first just kind of like K, I get it, move on, let’s get going. Being a follower in praying was no easy task—especially when these women faced unexpected emotions or unfamiliar forms of prayer. In these moments, however, they knew they had a choice. On one hand, they had the power to disengage from prayer. Yet they also had the ability to try, to courageously throw themselves into praying wholeheartedly. Instead of hearing their therapists intonations and phrases and tuning out, they chose to listen and partake. So I finally kind of turned on my ears and I should actually listen to what she is saying and give it a shot at least. I didn’t tell myself I was going to like it, but I was like you gotta at least try. Participating in prayer took on many different forms. Regardless of how they engaged, these women felt as though they were joining what was happening in and around them through the prayer. They let go of their preoccupations and hesitations and said yes to the unexpected. They found a way, whether in silence or active repetition, to be part of that moment. They listened to where they were called and followed. In following in prayer, these women surprised themselves by what they were able to say and do. She would pray something and then I would quickly apply it and hear the next thing she’d say and quickly apply it…I’d to one sentence at a time and take what I can out of it. I carried on to forgive them for their drinking, for their abuse of their wives, for not being more responsible as parents and the children all being put into foster care, for not loving [him] the way he should have been as a child. I mean it was an incredible prayer! That was just the Holy Spirit really working through me. For these women, praying was not a one-sided conversation or relationship. It was not just their therapist praying. It was not just these women partaking. It was not just God working and moving within them. It was in prayer that they entered into a relationship—with themselves, with their therapist, and with God. From Wreck to Refuge: The Sanctuary of Prayer Following and partaking in praying created a moment of rest in the midst of these women’s busy lives. For a small slice of their day, they could exist as they were. For those seconds and minutes, they left the worries that normally swirled around them. In that moment, there was nothing they had to do but be with their therapist and with God. Following in prayer was different than praying by themselves, where it could be difficult to find the words or openness to pray with the tasks of the day ticking at the back of their minds. If those words just wouldn’t come for them, they knew that their therapist could help them through. They could sit back and CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 98 listen in this moment of praying together. Whether their eyes were open or closed, whether their body was hunched down or opened up, these women spoke of entering into an intentional space. Though there was expectation of what was to come, it required no movement or action from them. This was unlike the other waking moments of their day where they needed to be vigilant and tense, ready in a moment to say or do. Praying created a space and time where these women could just be. Instead of fighting their exhaustion and weariness to perform yet again, they could sink in to the stillness and silence. And as they did so, they noticed their body, too, settled. After all, there were no pressures or expectations to follow or fulfill. At the end of a session, it’s just like wow I’m really tired and I can’t think any more so [my therapist prays]. And not have to think of what to say, what to do – it was a nice way to ease into [therapy] cuz it was her praying it and it was routine. [Praying] is also not on me…so I feel relaxed. With the inevitable rushing around that life required of these women, praying gave them a moment to catch up to themselves and their surroundings. The stillness, the silence, the softness of their therapists’ words were so unlike the commanding impatience of this world. As the words of the prayer began, they settled into that moment. With the stillness they connected to themselves – they were no longer on autopilot but felt and noticed what was happening in and around them. [Praying] would kind of like help me focus in. Praying in therapy was a different space than the rest of their lives. It gave these women a moment of un-busy, un-distracted connection. Instead of their schedules, or phones, or the tasks of the day cluttering their mind and constantly draining their energy, in this space they could finally slow down and catch up to themselves. This was a place of being still: their thoughts no longer raced, their body no longer needed to do or move beyond what it was. And in this stillness, they, too, could connect with the person sitting near to them. It was refreshing just to sit and engage, to just sit and be with one another. [I live in a] big city, my school is a big school, people are kind of just coming and going…so when you can take time in a place that’s so loud and busy and cold in a way to slow down and connect with someone, it’s very impactful. In this quiet space, praying was a sanctuary for these women’s weary souls. They entered into a refuge from the gruelling path they walked everyday. Instead of rushing, doing, despairing, their whole being slowed down. Knowing there were no pressures or expectations heaped onto them, these women could finally slow down and take deep breath in. A breath, unencumbered by the tension they had grown so accustomed to. They could finally breathe freely. To kind of rush in and be like I’m here, good, ready and then she’d pray and I could breathe for a second. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 99 Not only could they breathe, but everything within them seemed to finally come to a stop— which was very different from their baseline. They became accustomed to the tension in their neck, the fast beat of their racing heart, the weight of the world that made their shoulders ache. In this moment of stillness, however, these women became acutely aware of the contrast praying facilitated. Their heart slowed, it no longer beat frantically and urgently. Their aching shoulders and tense neck suddenly released—there was nothing binding or weighing them down. Instead of the oppressive weight and expectations that racked their body outside of this space, they felt a lightness and freedom within. There was an incredible peace in my heart. I wasn’t anxious. [I felt lighter in] my neck and shoulders…I felt it in my chest for sure because like a lot of just like tension (motions to chest) here for sure. As these women relaxed, as their whole body seemed to still, they noticed how praying felt different from treatments and techniques that kept them calm outside of this space. Outside, they had to do and act to keep themselves settled. They took a pill, they counted their breaths, they tensed and released their muscles. And yet this calm, in praying, required nothing of them. They were simply there, breathing. Their muscles released. This calm just existed as they entered into this space of prayer. They could breathe freely and deeply in this moment, unencumbered by their actions or abilities. I got sleeping pills and anxiety pills so that helped a bit, but it didn’t really help, it just masked. [Praying helps me slow down] much more effectively than a lot of the relaxation techniques because my problem with those is that I’m doing them wrong. Praying offered these women a protected moment—a refuge from the darkness of the rest of their world. This space, however, was not protected by a measly fence that they built themselves. Praying was entering into a Mighty Fortress. Though they knew their worries lingered outside, they felt as though nothing could touch them while they prayed. The despair, anxiety, and tension was not with them in that space. There was no reason for their muscles to tense and ready themselves for threat. There was no reason for their breathing to quicken to prepare them for a fight. In this calm, these women felt like themselves, the version of themselves who walked through life free from the weight, the shock, the worry that plagued them in their darkness. For a moment, they felt assured. They knew that the person who they thought was forever lost, still existed. The whole thing about prayer…even if you’re just a wreck and can’t even think about anything prayer changes your whole body. The presence of God takes you out of that place of being in complete despair and gives you peace. It has an all over calming, peaceful [effect] and it did for me. You feel good, you just kind of feel like normal again for a bit. That’s what you want, you want to go back to normal, you want to go back to health – how you used to feel. Knowing that they were protected by God in this space, they slowed down and let their guard down. There was no need to be vigilant, aware, or alert because they, for a moment, were far CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 100 away from the darkness that normally surrounded them. It was like being cocooned away from the rest of the world, the responsibilities, pains, and doubts. In this still moment, these women felt safe. There was no need for their body to jump into action, or their mind to work quickly. They could revel in the stillness. They could revel in the settling of their body and mind. In this moment, they knew they were secure and cared for. You almost feel like you can just sit up a little straighter, just like breathe a little deeper because the cortisol just isn’t ramped up so much anymore. Being able to get out of that like fight or flight sort of phase and slow down. [Praying] became a very safe place. God is a powerful but peaceful presence and so it just kind of help me acknowledge that I can relax and I can breathe and it’s okay, just trust that God has it all in His control. In this way, praying gave these women a needed break from the rest of their lives. When every other moment of life is complicated, they needed a sanctuary, a space where they could leave their worries and hurt and just be. I remember just the relief – the relief of [praying]. The relief from the normal part of my life, which just pretty sick. Though this was not a permanent space, they were thankful for it. As it existed in that moment, they reveled and soaked up all of the rays of peace and stillness they could. They allowed this moment to recharge their weary soul as they readied themselves to be outside. Though it was bittersweet to leave, these women now knew that the Fortress existed. They hung onto the hope and promise that brought to them. I just liked it. I just kind of basked in it for a bit. In that protected, safe moment these women gathered their courage to go out and face the rest of their world. Their time in the fortress renewed them and built their confidence to face the dark wilderness outside of its walls. In entering into the fortress of prayer, these women were reminded that they did not need to rely on their own might, that there was so much being taken care of that they could not see. With this moment of rest and needed reminder, they took a step forward and continued on, knowing that they could return. Though the tension would inevitably come back to their neck, shoulders, and chest, this moment gave them the needed break and rest to continue on. I would feel like there really isn’t anything to worry about…it would help me to realize that there’s nothing to worry about but there is stuff that I can work on. I was very grateful for [praying] and I know that I went away encouraged. My heart was at peace. I was able to deal. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 101 Right Here: Acknowledging and Encountering the Light In the midst of walking on this lonely, dark road of their lives, praying opened up the opportunity for relationship – with their therapist, with themselves, and with God. These women often first remembered their relationship with their therapist: what their therapist said and did, what it meant to have someone with them, the bond they shared. In praying, these women also encountered themselves. They noticed and engaged with what was happening within them. Through praying, they were also opened up to the most daunting, needed, and mysterious encounter of their lives, a relationship with God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Within the dark valley of their lives, being in a relationship with God felt tenuous at times. On one hand, they ached for comfort, leadership, and hope bigger than themselves. They yearned for God to cast away their fears and nourish their weary soul. And yet, they often lost sight of God. When the world shattered before their very eyes, in their disconnection, it was difficult to experience any Light in their lives. Their suffering and pain obscured the Light they once knew so well. Though they still believed the Light to be with them, they could not see it. They felt this suffocating darkness in the depths of their souls. They wondered if they would ever feel the Light again. The hopelessness is like a sort of darkness, sort of oppression. You feel like you’re under a smothering blanket. On their own, these women knew the Light existed but could not feel anything. So they doubted, they wondered, and they clung onto what they knew about God. It was in this suffocating darkness that they needed to lean on others to see and experience the Light in their lives again. They could not free themselves, they could not find their way out alone. As they prayed with their therapist, someone who too knew God, they began to see the Light. Their therapist’s words, actions, or sometimes simply their presence, brought these women back to the Light. With their therapists’ guidance, these women were able to turn away from the inner darkness that cut them off from the rest of the life. They suddenly saw. You know, His presence is there [when] 2 or 3 gather. God is always there but we don’t always acknowledge Him. And so the prayer just kind of helps to acknowledge Him. Then he said to me where do you see Jesus? Do you see Jesus [here]? While praying certainly helped these women see the Light, some went beyond simply just seeing. Praying was an opportunity to encounter the Light—to experience a relationship with God. This moment of connection was so much more than thinking about God, what they believed. Indeed, when they entered into this relationship, they could not manipulate it to suit their needs; they just experienced it. As a matter of fact, this encounter could feel entirely overwhelming. Instead of God being distant and far away, the Light was right there. It was mighty and strong; it could not be contained or extinguished. They felt completely consumed by the rays of Light in and around them. They felt small and meek within this glorious Light. They were shocked by how much they felt, how small they felt. It was so much to take in at once. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 102 It was very powerful…I did not expect the Holy Spirit to feel and to feel that presence, like when I did feel something; it scared me. It was very uncontrollable crying because of the feelings that I was getting through. And yet this overwhelming feeling was not experienced as bad. While these women felt the pull and the sway of these rays in and around them, they were oddly at peace. They knew that the Light was not there to burn them, but to obliterate their inner darkness. In this encounter, the Light came in, around, and through them. The darkness that they thought would consume them forever could not overtake the Light. Their inner storm was calmed in the presence of the Light. Though they could not control the Light or really understand or explain how it worked, they knew it was there for their good. There’s a tone, there’s a difference when He’s [God] here…Joy! Joy. Peace. It’s almost like it’s (pauses) a light…it’s just like the hope that comes along with it, everything isn’t so dark or as bad as I thought it was… it’s really hard to put into words. While these women encountered God in many ways through praying, something inside of them just knew it was happening. Instead of God being a construct or metaphor that they reflected on, they felt God with them, beside them, close to them, as though they were brushing shoulders— though nothing physically tangible was there. In this moment, God was not distant or unreachable. But right there. Right beside them. Right in that moment. They felt the Light. I did have a picture in my mind and it was that the yoke, that verse where Jesus says my burden is light, it was just almost like I saw myself in the yoke and I just saw in my mind, I saw Jesus move in underneath it with me, beside me. And again it was a physical, like I had the physical sensation of like I just felt it right, I felt Jesus come in. It was so real, it was so real. It was incredible! I felt like I could see [Jesus] and that was important to me. He was a person now. They were surprised by how vividly they felt God’s closeness, though there was nothing physical to grasp onto. It was like sensing a person was near them in their darkness. We know though they do not physically touch us. It was as though they could feel the warmth, feel the energy of another living Being near to them. In this encounter, these women felt that God was tangible and real in a way that was hard to put words to or define. Though it was mysterious, there was no room for ambiguity, no room for uncertainty. They knew that they encountered God. They were not thinking about the Light, but feeling its warmth upon their skin. The results of [the prayer] were so much more tangible than I thought it would be because obviously we pray with our friends and we pray in lots of different settings, (pauses) but yeah. I had never seen Jesus in this situation, until this moment. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 103 As these women prayed with their therapist, they began to see and understand that God is not this distant figure looming above humanity in the sky. God is not this detached entity like the ancient Greek god Zeus, watching them toil and struggle. When they encountered the Light, they experienced God as close to them, with them in their suffering. They felt held and enveloped in a Mighty embrace. And as they experienced the Light in this way, their understanding of God and faith changed. Praying was not simply their words going into a dark, unresponsive ether. All of the sudden, they knew God was here and near. Praying became a joint relationship with a God who responds to them. [Jesus] just wasn’t like out there, or over there right. He was right beside me, which is really what I needed at that point. It made me more aware that Jesus is alive and he’s active and he’s, he’s present… Its just brought a dimension of like, like, like alive. Right like, like right here instead of out there…that was something new for me, I’d never had that happen before…that person of Jesus became more alive, more real, more tangible. This physically felt presence touched these women. Walking through a dark valley was a destitute, lonely, and hopeless place, especially when it felt like God did not care enough to intervene. In this moment of encounter, however, they knew that they were listened and responded to. In the midst of their darkness, they felt the Light beside them. This physical response reassured them—God, who seemed unreachable and far away, was now there and beside them. In this darkness, they were not left wondering and questioning and doubting. In that moment, they knew that God was with them in their suffering, even if they could not feel the Light. Through this encounter, their fears and doubts were stilled. In all of their darkness, they needed and yearned for this moment the most. They knew the Light existed in their lives and cared – past, present, and future. [Feeling Jesus there] was so immediate. It wasn’t something I had to wait for… [it was] instantaneous and physical. [Hope] was a needed feeling. I was pretty desperate. I felt in that moment God answered my prayers. These women not only experienced the Light as close to them, but they knew it was with them on their dark road. Instead of a little flashlight guiding their path, they instead had a mighty Light that could not be extinguished. In the rays of this Light, they knew they were safe. They were protected and cared for by the One who is much bigger than themselves. Finally, they knew that they did not need to suffer on their own. Nor did they need to figure it all out on their own. In knowing the Light was with them, they relaxed. God was taking charge, keeping them safe in the dark wilderness they walked. I kept feeling like somebody was with me. Right, like I felt protected at that moment…I kept feeling it wasn’t just me and [my therapist] in the room [in the visualization], it was somebody else, the Holy Spirit and I felt very calm, I felt very protected…I did not feel alone. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 104 I felt that Jesus had been with me…he was more or less saying it’s going to be okay, I’ve got you, don’t worry. And as these women encountered God they could not help but feel loved. In their suffering, they knew that God cared enough about them to be present, to gift them with a therapist who helped them see the Light. Through feeling responded to, they trusted that God loves and cares for them. What they learned and heard about is true, they are loved and cared for more than they ever knew. I felt loved by God. I was so important to Him, He would come and love me and show Himself. Knowing that God was there and with them helped these women combat their inner darkness. Even in the darkest places, the Light shone on. For too long, their darkness obscured them from seeing the Light. For too long, they were oppressed, believing that there was no meaning to their lives. Through praying, they felt the Light shine. And as the Light shone, they were freed from the oppressive darkness that dominated their world. They could now see and experience that there the Light existed, even in the darkest of places. The hope is like light …and so the hope is like yeah, you can push that away – there is light, and life, and joy. And just to have to trust Him in that and have faith that He’s got my good in His plans and in His heart, not that it’s going to be necessarily easy. In their encounter with the Light, they knew that their lives were not futile. As a matter of fact, these women learned just the opposite: God was with them and cared for them through their suffering. Though they could not name the purpose, they knew that their darkness wasn’t just senseless suffering, entertainment for a distant and cruel god. In being cared for, they knew that there was something beautiful growing, though they could not name it. Experiencing the Light gave them hope. Not a hope that relies on their abilities, but hope that their troubles would one day end. I’m not alone and God does have a purpose for this. I felt that God had a plan and purpose for my life. And I wasn’t sure what He was doing but I hadn’t been sure for some time. It wasn’t all futile right. That there was a purpose – even in the suffering and the sorrow and that God’s got a purpose and a plan, even though we can’t necessarily see it. As they encountered both the love and the hope brought forth in this encounter, the Light helped these women experience themselves differently, too. While they felt shattered and broken to pieces through all of their suffering, in this moment of praying they felt held together. Instead of the despair and weight that tightened their body, they were suddenly calm. There was no weight. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 105 They felt whole, at peace with who they were in the midst of this mess. The love and care of the Light seemed to glue them together in a way that they could not on their own. Well, it’s a sense that you know yourself. That it’s not what you do, but what God does. [Healing] was wholeness. These women did not leave this encounter with the Light unscathed. This encounter shifted something within them. Praying and experiencing the Light made them stunningly aware of how small they really are. Feeling small should be terrifying; after all, they realized how little they can do or change on their own. Paradoxically, these women did not feel hopeless and scared as one might expect. They were relieved. In life, responsibilities and self-judgements are heaped upon themselves. When they saw and experienced the Light they suddenly became aware that they were never destined to walk this path alone. They were never supposed to be able to do it all on their own. Praying takes you outside of yourself and you realize that there’s a bigger picture here. This doesn’t all depend on me, like God’s going to work in me and work alongside me. I do remember it kind of striking me, like realizing that we really are at war. And like with the armour of God, like we really do need this…and to pray it really helps to acknowledge the fact that we need Him in those areas of our lives and every area of our lives really. I’ve Got Your Back: Letting Go and Leaning on God Encountering the presence of God made these women aware of their smallness. This, of course, did not mean that they were unimportant or unloved. Indeed, in encountering the Light they learned how much they are loved! In this Mighty Presence, however, they realized how little they could truly control in their lives. Their inner darkness, thus, could not be resolved only by their own means or actions; this was both a daunting and humbling realization. After all, in society, most people learn early on that they can control and take on the world. As a result, they develop into efficient people who get used to taking care of themselves and others. And while life continues on a straight path, this works. It is a strong and capable place to be. These women, however, learned that as life becomes messier and more chaotic, relying on themselves was too much to take. They shoved aside their hurt and pain so they could keep moving forward, trying to be the capable people they once were. With the brokenness in and around them, the weight they carried – the guilt, the responsibility, the painful emotions they kept locked up inside – it all just got too heavy. These women tried to keep moving forward but no longer wanted to manage alone. In my role as a wife and a mother and, I’ve been a pretty capable person, I’ve always just managed, managed, managed the-the emotions, put them over here, just keep focused on what has to be done today and it was heavy. It was really heavy. The weight became heavier and heavier as they struggled to acknowledge what was happening within them. They carried this stress within their core—their neck, back, and shoulders CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 106 tightened, and tightened more as they continued to take on the weight of the world. They so desperately wanted to be strong for themselves and for their family and friends. These women knew how much they endured through the years: acknowledging this pain was daunting. What if I never get up? What if no one can help me through this? Eventually, with the encouragement of their therapist, they leaned into and felt their suffering. They let the pain roll in; it hurt and brought them to their knees. They were sinking with the weight of the world on their shoulders. In fully feeling this hurt, these women knew they could not rely on themselves any longer. Gone was their resolve to carry this weight on their own. And when [my therapist] explained it to me how much weight I was carrying I actually physically felt it. Like I actually acknowledged it…It was really heavy. I physically could feel the weight of that, what I was carrying. They carried this weight, their worries and responsibilities, on their shoulders for far too long. It became too much, too heavy. They needed to lean on something much bigger than themselves – after all, this was no small load. Through praying, through seeking a relationship with the One who is much bigger than themselves, these women asked for help. Though they did not know what would happen, they admitted they could not take it anymore. Through praying, they asked God to help them with this oppressive weight. As they surrendered this weight, they were humbled – they conceded they were not indestructible. Praying became a place for them to let go. In prayer, they relied on God to help them through. [My therapist] just prayed that Jesus would come alongside me and help me bear that burden. It was about me all of the sudden saying I forgive them. In this moment of letting go, these women knew they were not alone. They suddenly knew that the leaden weight was not only their responsibility. They felt the Light beside them, helping them take on the weight of the world. By themselves, they could not combat the dark worries that plagued their mind everyday. When these women courageously admitted their weakness and let go, they finally let God come into their hurt and suffering. With the Light there, they realized they did not need to shoulder this responsibility alone. They had someone with them, beside them, taking on the world with them in their weakness. In this moment, they knew that it always meant to be this way, God with them, fighting by their side. I felt like [Jesus] was saying hey, I got this for you, I’m going to take this on, I’m going to fight this with you. Somebody’s got my back…I feel like have some people behind me, taking care of me, and protecting me. The reassurance that like I’ve [Jesus] got your back. You-you don’t, look I am here. I will help you, you don’t have to do this on your own. As soon as they surrendered their suffering to God, these women literally felt that leaden weight leave their shoulders. They no longer sunk in the mud of responsibility and hurt, but felt this newfound lightness within them. Life, itself, was no longer physically or emotionally heavy! Of CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 107 course, the weight leaving them was by no doing of their own. They tried and tried and tried to get through it on their own. Paradoxically, in their vulnerability and weakness, the weight lifted. It was immediate, it was immediate that it lifted right. It was right in that moment. The burden off of my shoulders was huge. I was feeling [the weight lifting] the whole way, I was feeling it when Jesus was in the counselling session with us and I felt Him, His presence beside me… I felt like he was saying hey I got this for you, I’m going to take this on, I’m going to fight this with you. The tears, in this moment, too began to flow. They poured and poured, fully letting the tension, the compression, and the tightness leave their body. I am just so relieved. It felt like too much to have the Light with them and for that never-ending weight to disappear. They really and fully realized that they were not by themselves. After so long of feeling alone and hopeless and destitute, the enormity of this situation shook these women to their very core. They realized that God was with them in their brokenness and that they never again needed to manage alone. In feeling the Light come and rescue them, they truly felt small, humbled, and meek—yet also taken care of and protected in the wilderness they walked. As the weight left these women, these tears transformed to sheer relief and joy. I am not alone in this. Just of course the tears, too, and that’s almost like a release, too. I was sobbing as I was forgiving…I had never experienced that before. It was just so overwhelming. He’s [God] the only one that can fix anything (voice cracks). So you feel good, you know? I know. In their weakness and pain, they knew that God was with them, fighting through their darkness. These women were used to standing alone, taking on the world one step at a time. Yet in those dark valleys of their lives, it was impossible to move past everything they carried; they could not fix themselves or their life circumstances. Their brokenness and vulnerability, however, was not a hopeless place to be. Through knowing they could not do it on their own, they fully leaned into the healing embrace of God. They let go of the hurt, the responsibility, the painful emotions they kept in for so long and gave it to God. And in letting go of the pain and hurt, they allowed the true Healer, the medic of emotional and spiritual wounds, take care of them. In letting go, they began to heal. Not by their own doing and insight, but through the care of the One much bigger than themselves. The healing came in that session because I felt like some of that wound was closing…and being filled up with Christ. He was filling and sewing up the wound. I felt that healed me from the guilt, it was like God saying this wasn’t your responsibility, this was between Him and I, not you. And so all of that took that wound and healed it. It’s just like God sealed it up and said look you’ve done your part. And I’m going to fix that wound and seal it all up. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 108 As these women experienced God backing and helping them with the weight they carried, they felt free. They were freed from the shackles of worry, doubt, and responsibility that bound them for so long. They were freed from the pain that others heaped onto them. They were freed from the condemning voice that told them they didn’t do enough. This freedom filled these women. It gave them a newfound energy, instead of the weariness they had grown accustomed to. This was not a freedom they found on their own. This freedom came from not being alone. They stepped forward with more confidence; they knew God was with them, waiting to help. Their world seemed less dangerous and threatening with God by their side. While they were excited by this reality, it was new. It was new to have someone want to care and protect them in such a strong way. Even with their surprise, they knew this was good. They knew that this was always how it was supposed to be. [I felt] relief, you know. Relief – well relief God’s in charge. Relief that good, I’m not going to die, I’m good, God’s got this. And (pauses) relief…And so it was kind of a relief that I didn’t have to deal with that. To have that reassurance that you don’t have to carry it alone. So as a person and as a woman too that had never felt that before, to experience that at that moment, well that pushed me. That’s what kind of scared me…I was afraid of how I was feeling at that moment but at the same time, I really liked it, the feeling that somebody [was with me]. With the relief, healing, and freedom that came with letting go, these women knew that which caused their suffering was losing its grip on their lives. For the first time in a while, they felt as though they could start to move on from the incredible pain they endured. No, not all of their hurt and pain was gone. No, they did not let go of everything there was to let go of. In acknowledging their suffering, feeling their weakness in its midst, and leaning on God, these women began to walk through the dark valley they were stuck in for far too long. And as they walked through it, they changed. I [felt] extremely overwhelmed by it, like I could close that chapter in my life – I didn’t have to think about it anymore. I felt like there was healing, the wound was closed and it continued to be closed. Surrendering, admitting their weakness and vulnerability made these women strong. This, however, was not a strength that relied only on themselves. This strength relied on looking beyond themselves to the enduring, ever-present Light. In knowing they were not alone, they walked away a different person, a much lighter person, a person who carried hope. Even though the circumstances didn’t change, like nothing in the circumstances really had changed right? But the change happened with me. Everything did shift. Like it changed me so much and it continues to change me. Feeling the burden off of their shoulders, these women readied themselves to walk back into a life that remained unchanged. While their life was still bleak and uncertain, its heaviness did not weigh on them the same way. They knew they carried a guiding, caring Light within. While moving forward would come with challenges and battles, they no longer felt like they could be CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 109 defeated. After all, they were not fighting alone. As they continued on, they moved forward with a newfound hope and confidence – the Light was by their side, ready to help them onwards. I was filled with happiness. I felt like maybe he was in heaven and that was very soothing for me because I was feeling kind of guilty. I was able to back into the battle, which I had to. But I was not so burdened. Scales Falling Away: Clarity through Prayer Though unplanned and unexpected, praying in therapy led these women to a moment of clarity and certainty about something needed. In this aha moment, they suddenly just saw. While it was hard to pinpoint why this happened, they knew that they could not have come to this revelation on their own. Their inner fog obscured how they saw the world—they felt limited by and stuck in a gloom. Inward preoccupations plagued their very existence. Their worries, doubts, and hurt darkened how they experienced their lives. It’s like you start to build a rut in your road about how, okay, I associate this with this, I associate this with this. When these women prayed with their therapist, they were gently nudged away from the doom that enveloped them. They were brought outside of the darkness that permeated their existence. They found themselves in a relationship with their therapist and God. This relationship and the stillness within them pulled them away from the dark lens that coloured their way of seeing and experiencing the world. As they came out of the gloom, pulled out by no doing of their own, they suddenly understood what they could not in their darkness. To almost have someone interrupt that pathway and be like, yeah, what about this? It’s like oh, I didn’t even consider that there could be something aside from how I’ve always seen something. Through the praying together [my therapist] was able to articulate it and reaffirm it maybe, like what I had knew but had forgotten or what I’d lost sight of. As they were brought outside of the dark shackles of their existence, they suddenly saw what was in the shadows. In this moment, an area of their blurry, dark world became stunningly clear. Something hidden was revealed, like a perfect lens falling over their blurry eyes. While they knew and understood, it did not come from within. They did not doubt or question this revelatory moment. They just knew it was true. In its truth, they were certain this moment of clarity was a reality, not simply what they wished to be true. It clicked that [he] was in heaven, that’s how I felt at that moment, that Jesus had [him] and that everything was okay. Everything isn’t so dark and bad as I thought it was. It was just a quick realization like it’s not something I have to carry anymore. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 110 In this moment, these women felt as though the darkness that obscured their existence was no more. With the shocking clarity that came out of praying with their therapist, they knew that they were seeing the truth. It was always in front of them, but could not be accessed until this moment. The darkness that controlled them for so long was broken through. Nothing obscured their sight anymore. They felt as though they were finally, truly, really seeing. I was more aware or like scales had fallen off my eyes…I was more open maybe. So that opened my eyes. During that session, I truly saw something I hadn’t experienced… my heart was very open to him and who he was as a person. Perhaps one of the most amazing things about this revelatory moment was the conviction these women felt in themselves about its truth. Though they had no evidence, no tangible documentation, they just knew it to be real. They did not question its truth; they did not wonder about its reality. This certainty was unlike the doubts and preoccupations that riddled them throughout the rest of their lives. With this moment of conviction and peace, these women embraced this insight for what it was. They felt no temptation to justify or to qualify. They let it touch them and free them from their doubts. And you know I just believed it and left it and I went on. And for the most part of the year I was in treatment, I never really thought about it, whether I was going to live or die…I was so grateful for that and I don’t know even if I thought about what [my therapist] had to say, but on some level I just thought oh okay and took it and never did really think about the outcome. What these women gained from these moments of clarity were not small, nor insignificant. The certainty that came touched on an area of their lives that felt uncertain, chaotic, and bleak. In this certainty, they were freed from their constant wondering. They were freed from the need to continue clinging to their worries and hurts. With this newfound knowledge and understanding, they felt as though they could move forward without worrying. The biggest shift at the moment was definitely recognizing that the things [my ex-husband] did to me were a result of things that had happened to him. The being able to not wonder anymore, feeling like there was a closure. I think that was a big thing for me. All of the sudden, new horizons were opened up for these women – about themselves, life situations, or relationships. This was exciting! They felt as though they could see a whole world of possibilities, instead of the dark void they were looking into for far too long. With this new understanding, they felt more equipped, better able to handle the coming paths of their lives. You suddenly feel like an impossible task is possible…it’s like sitting down with a math problem that you just can’t get and then somebody show you how to do it a different way. You’re like oh, I got it! I can do that one! This one’s a little different, but I can do this one too! CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 111 Journeying On: Walking into a New Day Praying in therapy was not an experience that left these women untouched. As they entered into therapy, they wanted their lives to change. They were stuck in darkness – emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. They struggled to keep it together and keep going; it was hard to know where they needed to go and how to get there alone. As they journeyed to health in therapy, praying helped illuminate this path in many ways: encountering relationship with themselves, their therapist, and God; finding a needed refuge from the chaos of their lives; gaining insight; and allowing them to let go of what they could not fix. In their darkness, these dimensions of praying stayed with these women as they continued to journey forward. Through praying they came to a deeper understanding of themselves and their faith, which illuminated how they doubted and questioned God in their darkness. They managed to hold onto their faith in their suffering but it was not without struggle. I realized that I hadn’t been trusting that, I hadn’t been trusting that I don’t have to do everything because God’s there. It reminded me of like His generosity and that it’s just a little thing, that these things that I struggle with so much and couldn’t ever possibly be able to fix or control or do like it’s just a little thing to God. While this was certainly a humbling moment, these women only fully recognized the depths of their doubts because they were in a better place. Their relationship with God deepened and matured as they walked through these dark valleys, especially with the guidance of their therapist. Their therapists’ supportive words helped these women get outside of their despair by looking to God in prayer. By seeing and experiencing the Light, they came back to distant truths they knew in the past but lost in their darkness: they were not alone, God was with them. While they believed this to be true, praying helped them experience what it means to have God with them, caring for them in the midst of their suffering. When they experienced God as close, responsive, and caring – not distant and detached from them and their struggles – their relationship shifted and strengthened. They held onto this truth, that God listens and responds to them. God loves me enough to take me through something that is really hard, but stays beside me, and He just wanted me to recognize some things about Him. That maybe I wasn’t seeing His love for me. It just reminded me that in the here and now, God answers prayers. God wants to hear those things…you can’t like burden God. These women did not leave this renewed understanding of God in the therapy room. In knowing God loved them (not just willfully believing it), their relationship continued to deepen and mature as they walked forward in faith. There was a newfound energy and excitement to their beliefs that poured out from praying with their therapist. Instead of doubts and worries leading them into darkness, they knew the Light. Instead of being consumed by their pain and sorrow, they sought a relationship with God with humility and hope. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 112 I have a closer relationship with God because of that. It certainly did help grow faith at a time when you weren’t seeing anything. But we all get focused too much on ourselves and not enough on God, and so I think that is what I come away with, is that really we don’t have to get stuck on ourselves but to get stuck on how big God is and how powerful He is. And to be able to be submitted to Him so that He can do the work and move in your life. This energy and hope extended into how these women prayed outside of the therapy room. Praying in therapy taught them about what to pray, how to pray, and why it is that they pray at all. They came out of this experience with more optimism and eagerness to pray on their own. They trusted that praying wasn’t just a futile, waste of time. They believed that praying can and does transform them and their relationships. They hoped that prayer would continue to change them and their relationships. I have seen it as very helpful and hoping to apply that more to my life with forgiving others who have hurt me in the past. I was actually like it might be better for me to… keep thinking up some structured prayer for the days that I really can’t think of anything to pray. The results were so much more tangible than I thought it would be. I think for my own prayer life it did make me maybe be a little more looking, I guess, for results and with the expectation that it does make a difference. When these women prayed for their most vulnerable needs in prayer, especially their struggles with others, they found that relationships in their lives, too, changed. So much of their sorrow came out of relational hurt—whether abuse, being left, feeling insignificant, or their regrets about what they said and did to others. This hurt cut deep and it felt impossible to resolve on their own. By praying, by surrendering this hurt and forgiving, the hold these past relationships had on their lives lessened. Letting go, it turned out, was not just for the sake of their transgressors but also for their own. While letting go did not change what was said and done, these women were no longer ensnared by the actions of others. Over time and through letting go of hurt and pain, a place of understanding was opened up these women; they could see and understand why others acted as they did. As they continued to let go outside of the therapy room, they worked through hurts that needed mending. It helped me to kind of get over it. It just kind of helped me realize that it happened, you know, and kind of move past it. And I felt so different since then towards his family. It did help me [forgive others too] …I’d say a lot of that thank is to realizing I need to pray about it and pray forgiveness. With so much transformation in these relationships, with others and with God, these women experienced an exciting freedom within. They no longer held onto their suffering alone! There CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 113 was renewed direction and conviction in their faith. Even as they walked back into a life unchanged, they knew they had enough energy to continue on. Instead of being stuck in their inner darkness, there was a Light within them that could not be extinguished. Through praying together, these women changed and were freed from their worries and suffering. No, praying did not magically fix their life circumstances. It did, however, give them a newfound energy to continue on. I didn’t carry the guilt the same way like I didn’t carry the burden of did I do enough. It’s pretty much stayed lifted. Like again my situation hasn’t changed. I still got the same problems but it just doesn’t feel so hopeless anymore. By the next [time] I went to see him I was a totally different person. There was a burden off of my shoulders. As these women moved forward with energy and hope, they could not help but be grateful for those moments of praying together. Praying with their therapist was not just something they did because they had to, it was so much more. Praying became a part of their path to being well – mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When they started therapy, they did not know how to get out of the wilderness of their lives. Through both counselling and praying, their therapists helped these women find their way forward. They knew that their healing could not rely solely on themselves. In praying, these women were reminded that healing, too, comes from being in a relationship with God, their rock and foundation. I just remember thinking it was such a bonus to have someone pray with me in my counselling…I would go away from there thinking wow this is so good because I felt that it was really helping me get well, like prayer too. [At the end there was] like gratitude that I went through that situation, gratitude that I had a counsellor that was able to walk me through because I didn’t have the tools, like what do I know about trying to heal myself like that. By praying with their therapist, their journey through hurt and suffering went so much deeper than their surface struggles. In prayer, these women were brought outside of the oppressive darkness that permeated their existence. In prayer, these women were humbled as they looked to God. In prayer, these women acknowledged that not everything can be fixed with breathing techniques and emotional exploration. In prayer, these women joined a large community of support who cared for them in the depths of their suffering. Praying together in therapy allowed them to touch and access what is essential to their existence – their faith, their belief in something so much bigger than themselves. I never really contemplate much what the experience would be like without prayer because I think it’s a much richer experience. To be able to take somebody that’s hurting and acknowledge them in prayer and to ask God to help them and be with them, that is probably the best thing that I’ve had happen to me. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 114 This does not mean the rest of their lives were without difficulty. Their walk of faith, too, is a journey they must continue to walk. The paths they walk everyday are full of sticks and stones, ups and downs. They fight and wrestle. Doubt springs again. They hold onto these moments in therapy through the good and the bad. And that’s a journey and a process too, right. After you know so many years of thinking that you have to do it on your own, you have to unlearn it. I’m walking it like everyday right, it’s easy just to fall back into old patterns. It’s everyday, every day I give it to him and I take it back, everyday. It’s a process of learning how to let go and let God. These women did not leave the moment they shared with their therapist and God as a dusty, unimportant memory. As they continue to walk their path, they reflect and revisit what happened in and around them as they prayed together. When they feel as though they may be falling into another valley, they look back to this experience, what they went through and what they learned. Coming back to the hope of this moment, knowing that they are not alone in their suffering, sustains them as they continue to fight and move forward. It is something that I do remember as well and think back on and it just puts things back into perspective. If that only ever happens once in my life, that’s enough right. That’s enough. When these women came into therapy, they were stuck on this foggy, dark path. They did not know where to go on their own. With time, their own work, listening to their therapist, seeking relationship, and leaning into their faith, they are now walking out of the valley they were once stuck in. Though these women do not know what will come, it feels as though they are walking somewhere new. A new day dawns for them. While praying isn’t the only thing that helped them find the path out of the darkness, it is certainly an essential part of seeing the Light and healing from its rays. I feel [praying in therapy has] been very paramount to…how I can continue since then. It’s been a really big part of my getting help…I shudder to think what would’ve happened had I not had that. And I don’t think anything stops like I think it’s always been a process of healing along the way. That’s why I’m feeling where I am today. I feel so much more joy. I feel so much more peace in my life. Holding onto all that has happened, they continue on. Summary of Research Findings In this chapter, I shared the findings of the lived experience of praying in therapy that emerged from this research. In the first part of this chapter, I described and summarized the context of praying in therapy, which included who initiated praying, what was said and done, and CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 115 when prayer occurred in the counselling process. I then described and explored the eight themes and the metaphor, praying as part of the path to healing, that emerged throughout thematic analysis. The first theme touched on the context of participants’ lives and therapy that facilitated praying in therapy. The subsequent six themes explored how praying was an experience of being in a relationship with others (therapist and God), active engagement, being in a refuge, letting go, and seeing clearly. The last theme explored how praying changed and continued to change each of the participants outside of therapy. Each of these themes and the metaphor became the structure of the phenomenological text, elucidating the dimensions of praying in therapy. This chapter concluded with a written description of participants’ lived experiences, which sought to describe what praying in therapy was like for each of these women. These findings will be contextualized further below as I share and reflect about the research process in Chapter 5. In Chapter 6, these findings will be summarized and compared to existing literature in psychology; the theoretical and clinical implications will also be discussed. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 116 CHAPTER 5: REFLEXIVITY In the methodology section, I outlined how hermeneutic phenomenology requires an attitude of openness and curiosity. Instead of allowing a certain lens – theoretical, personal worldview, or experiential – to dominate the interpretation of the lived experience, researchers must be open to new ways of understanding the experience as it is lived through. Finlay (2011) defines openness as “being surprised – even awed – by the research; prepared for preconceptions to be shredded; open to the possibility in the shift of understanding” (p. 77). The phenomenological attitude of openness and wonder (the epoché) facilitates the exploration of what is essential to the lived experience, which allows researchers to access lived meanings (the reduction; van Manen, 2014). Within hermeneutic phenomenological research, it is important to emphasize that the researchers’ involvement and interpretations, which are tied to their knowledge and understandings of the world, are important, valued, and very much part of the research (Finlay, 2011). It is, however, imperative that the researcher’s own understandings and assumptions are not naively applied to data analysis. Hermeneutic phenomenological researchers strive to be open to new ideas and understandings, while also accounting for the sources that influenced them throughout the research process. Reflexivity is the process of explicating pre-understandings and assumptions, so the researcher can move beyond their own context, beliefs, and life experiences (Finlay, 2011). While there are varying degrees and modalities of reflexivity that researchers may engage, I decided to write and reflect throughout this research. For myself, writing has always been the modality where I am most honest and vulnerable. Wholeheartedly agreeing with de Witt and Ploeg (2006), van Manen (2014), and Finlay (2011), it was important for me to be very transparent throughout my thesis, able to articulate what influenced my own process and CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 117 engagement with this research from its fruition to end. I personally reflected in my research journal, which was written over a year and a half. My personal reflections and understanding in data analysis were documented in data analysis documents for each participant where I explicitly showed and tied my interpretations to the lived experience as a whole. In this chapter of my thesis, I try to share this process as much as I can. For me, this included honesty about my tensions surrounding this research, struggles that slowed down my analysis, and faith and theological beliefs. The final section of this chapter delineates how and why I made certain decisions throughout this research. I share excerpts of my process throughout. I must admit this chapter was the most daunting and difficult to write as I revisited struggles while I wrote it. As a fairly private person, the content and vulnerability makes me, as a young researcher, feel a bit exposed. And yet, it was in this process of continually questioning, wondering, and honestly sharing about myself that I grew the most emotionally, academically, and spiritually in my thesis. This chapter was my best and bravest attempt to allow readers to see who I am and where I was in this research. How This Thesis Came to Be Before I can get into the reflexive process in other areas of my thesis, I need to start this chapter with my process of coming to and embracing this research. One of the most common (and untrue) assumptions that people make about myself and this thesis topic is that I researched prayer because I am a very religious and spiritual person. They look at me outwardly – a Lutheran, a weekly church attendee, a Pastor’s wife, a thesis all about religion – and assume. Now to be clear, I am not saying that I am not a Christian. I am a Christian, happily a Lutheran. My faith is very much part of who I am. Yet, being a Christian, for me, has not been without struggle, shame, and uncertainty. As a matter of fact, the great irony of this thesis is its timing in CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 118 my life. Throughout my Master’s degree, faith has not been an easy journey. In the past two years, I have both doubted and felt distant from God; this feeling reminds me of the turmoil I felt before really committing to and embracing my faith over ten years ago. The past couple of years of my faith has felt like a metaphorical walk through the desert. My beliefs are still there, but any connection with God or sense of His call for me seemed distant. I really struggled to both enact (including praying) and engage with my beliefs beyond what was necessary. Through this thesis and all that it has challenged me to do, I think I am coming out of this bleak dry-spell. To this day, I have not prayed with clients myself and have no immediate plans to do so. So in this part of my reflexivity chapter, I want to share with readers how and why I chose this thesis. For myself, this was an ongoing process of discovery that affected how open I was to the lived experience of praying in therapy throughout my thesis. Because hermeneutic phenomenology is very much tied to the researcher and their openness to the lived experience (Finlay, 2011; van Manen, 2014), it was crucial for me to work through anxieties about the depth of my faith. I spent considerable time reflecting on my anxiety to both confront and work through it and to not let it limit my interpretations and insights. Before It All Began My interest in this area of research really started a few years ago when I was interning at a placement with youth. At this placement, I was fortunate to have a supervisor who really reflected on the role of faith in how he practiced. I enjoyed our many conversations about knowing when and how it was okay to talk to clients about faith, especially in a government setting. While I was at this placement, a youth I supported once started praying with me, without asking for my input or comfort. As I reflected in my research journal about this experience, I felt like I was doing something wrong, terrible, and totally and completely unethical, though I did not CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 119 instigate this moment myself. For a long time, I ignored the tense feeling I experienced when this youth prayed—when I revisited this moment while I was at Trinity Western University, I realized there was much for me to learn about myself and my faith at that moment. Still, when I left that placement, I realized that faith could be part of counselling, both through the youth and the conversations I had with my site supervisor. This was the first time in my life I considered faith in counselling to be a possibility. Six months after this placement I was taking a course on counselling techniques in my undergraduate degree. I went to a secular university with a science degree in psychology; faith was not readily discussed in any courses. As I was sitting in a class about counselling, I was surprised to see a slide on faith and counselling pop up during our lecture. I felt disappointed, however, that the professor talked about faith as a coping technique. I felt quite frustrated by this, especially when I thought of the meaning of faith for myself and the youth I previously worked with. Faith was so much more than a coping device, or a tool. After this experience, I began to reflect more seriously on what faith in counselling could look like. I had no specific ideas but was drawn towards practices in the Christian life, including prayer. While I was interested in this area, I felt tense and uncertain, like it was almost wrong to be thinking about therapy this way. With this tension and curiosity within me, I applied to TWU in the spring of that year. I wanted to go to a school that challenged me to consider how my Christian beliefs impacted my counselling practice, even if not explicit. Though I really had no idea what I was getting myself into, this is exactly what my Master’s degree and thesis would prompt me to do. Choosing a Thesis Topic Very few people know that I actually thought my Master’s thesis would have something to do with trauma in children or adolescents. That was the thesis topic I interviewed with and CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 120 kept until the first few months of the program. If I am completely transparent, my reasons for picking praying in therapy were not very good – my pragmatic side thought I could publish in this area. At this point in time, my interest in faith as part of counselling was not well formulated. From the experiences in my undergraduate degree, I knew that faith in counselling could go beyond simply coping but I had no ideas of my own. I chose prayer based on my internship experiences, the seeming lack of research in counselling psychology, and Gubi’s (2008) passionate writing on prayer in therapy. Once I settled on my thesis topic, I began to engage with it and noticed discomfort and uncertainty rise within myself. Instead of being curious about this, I presented myself as someone interested in the beauty and complexity of spiritual experience (which was and is true), though hid my insecurity for quite some time. People made assumptions and I went with them. It seemed easier to be a poster child for spirituality at a Christian school than confronting some of my uncertainty. When I began journaling for my research in February 2017, I began to be honest about these feelings: So why prayer? I must admit, I was first drawn to this research topic because of the lack of research in this area—the pragmatic side of me viewed this to be a good area to write and, potentially, get published in. When I came to TWU, I quickly realized this wasn’t an exciting topic but one that was often met with discomfort and disagreement among professors. Well, at least I perceive it to be that way; in reality, I wonder if this discomfort reflects my own tension about whether it is “right” to pray with clients. For me, the real exploration, the real tension, the real reasons for this research came to me not as I submitted my research proposal, nor as I did my research proposal defense but as I prepared for my first interview. It was the first time that I slowed myself down enough to reflect. In the medium of writing, I finally put down on paper what was driving my interest in praying in therapy—I was torn. It seemed uncomfortable and wrong to me at the surface, yet at some fundamental level, I knew praying could touch on something meaningful and needed in therapy. As I honestly reflected, I made sense of my tenuous engagement with my thesis up until that CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 121 point. Before then, I distanced myself from my research topic, rarely talking about it with others, and giving simple, compact answers when asked. Unlike so many of my colleagues, I was ashamed about my seeming lack of connection with the research I was doing: It all started when I was back in Research Seminar the summer of 2016. We were challenged to choose a topic and method that touched us deeply and moved us. This was my first instance of shame related to research. Me being a practical person was interested in my thesis topic (and indeed there was a lot of baggage with it I didn’t acknowledge at that time), but I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, because I didn’t have this grand, beautiful attachment to my thesis based on personal life experiences. It didn’t feel like enough to do something because I was interested in my topic. I didn’t feel like I was doing research properly because my topic didn’t touch on something that was a core experience for me. (Excerpt from Dec. 13, 2017) The gift of this thesis, for me, comes from the purposeful self-reflection and awareness that developed from this process. I was forced (yes the word forced is accurate for how I felt) to dig into many uncomfortable areas of my life. As I reflected on my experience of choosing a research topic over time, I became very aware that my thesis did not just develop from an interest in spiritual experience, but my own insecurity about my faith. Throughout my thesis, I purposefully reflected on moments of frustration and shame in my walk of faith. This not only helped me move forward courageously into my data analysis but also helped me better understand my own personal struggles. Below, I share my exploration of this tension, which undoubtedly influenced my interest in and engagement with this topic. Exploring Shame about Research Topic As mentioned above, in the early days of journaling, I finally dug into this discomfort with praying in therapy. As I wrote in my journal in February of 2017, I started to express and uncover why I felt so uncomfortable about praying in therapy—unlike my faith, which was very private, my thesis brought religious and spiritual experience to the forefront. A few weeks ago, my supervisor asked me about what I actually thought about praying in therapy. For me, it’s interesting to observe how comfortable I am talking about research about praying in therapy but am so hesitant to share about my own attitudes and opinions. I want to CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 122 address this hesitancy to actually see what I think and feel about it. I am confident that my first hesitancy comes from growing up in a family where faith and religious practices and beliefs were practiced by some but not others… [As a result], it is incredibly hard for me to consider praying in contexts where prayer isn’t natural or normal: churches and bible camp for me. In a sense, I associate praying in front or with people in different contexts kind of shameful. I do not think the prayer, itself, is something to be ashamed of but more so admitting that I am praying is somehow wrong, weak, or otherwise a “mystical” thing to be doing? (Excerpt from Feb. 24, 2017) The more I wrote and reflected, the more I came into contact with my own shame relating to prayer. When I considered praying in therapy, there seemed to be something so wrong about it being out in the open in a place of work. I was not used to talking openly about my faith, outside of certain contexts. For my thesis, it made me question whether I was researching something worthwhile and legitimate. I was delving into the mystical, the magical for some. I was confronting and engaging with a practice that I rarely talked about outside of Christian friends. This thesis, thus, has challenged me to go outside of my comfort zone in how I express my faith. There is no escaping my faith in this thesis; there is no escaping talking about my faith with others when I speak of my thesis. I cannot hide. And yet, this is a good process for me. Faith kept me going at some of the worst parts of my life and is very much part of who I am today. It feels good, albeit vulnerable, to be honest about this during the research process and right here. Through this thesis, I continue to learn that faith can be talked about openly and candidly and it is okay. I can talk about prayer, struggles and beauty, with others and it is okay. There is a place for faith in contexts I would not expect. Exploring Struggles with Faith After my initial reflections in the Winter and Spring of 2017, I became more settled about if and how therapists could pray with clients in therapy. This was largely facilitated by a course project in Ethics, where I researched and wrote about the ethics of praying in therapy. In this project, I explored some of my own hesitations and engaged with how praying could be part of CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 123 counselling practice. After that semester of reflection (in both the ethics project and my research journal), I thought I worked through and explicated most of my biases and struggles before beginning data analysis. As I approached analysis in the Fall of 2017, however, I realized I needed to engage with another area of insecurity—how the depth of my own faith would impact my interpretive process. In the Fall, I still felt I was in a dry-spell in my faith. As mentioned above, I lost all desire to pray in 2016; I prayed infrequently and shallowly from 2016 into 2017. In preparation for analysis, it was reiterated to me that who I am would affect the end result of my research. While this sounded okay when I chose hermeneutic phenomenology a year and a half earlier, this scared me as I moved forward. As I began to analyze the research texts, I worried about how my thesis would have any depth when I was struggling with faith and praying. I become preoccupied with depth; data analysis felt like an impossible endeavour. This led me to reflect quite a bit about depth throughout data analysis. I often feel like I’m working, working, working, and nothing comes out of it. Or if something does come out of it, it’s not enough, not deep enough, not good enough. And there is a lot of exhaustion acknowledging my own vulnerabilities and feeling quite exposed in them. It’s like having all of your flaws under a microscope, and with my perfectionism, I feel and see many flaws throughout my thesis. (Excerpt from Oct. 12, 2017) One thing that really struck me [in a conversation with a friend & colleague] is that the more I strive for depth, the more I seek to find depth, the more I try to get to a place of a depth the further away from depth I will be. This is similar to me reflecting in my own time on what depth means to me – depth very much comes from a place of comfort and rest, not trying to get everything right or perfect. In her process, depth came really from surrender. Considering that is a struggle for me generally, it’s daunting to hear that but I’m actually also kind of relieved. That striving for depth is really not working, so I really do need to try and let go of my own capacity and trust that the insights and the depth will come as it’s supposed to come. (Excerpt from Oct. 12, 2017) In recognizing that I was feeling both low and disengaged in my analysis, I talked with my supervisor about my preoccupation with depth. We then did a process-oriented supervision session where we really dug into what was going on for me. For myself, this session of supervision felt quite intense as many vulnerabilities about my faith and struggles to pray in the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 124 past year came to the fore. In my own time, I was encouraged to reflect on: expectations of myself and this research; depth as inductive; struggles with prayer; and, what letting go in life and faith would be like for me. Though it was exhausting, I knew each of these areas were important for me to explore, so I spent a lot of time writing in my research journal. This supervision session and the subsequent reflections was pivotal, for me, to let go of my anxieties and really engage in data analysis. Below, I share some of these reflections. I did not think this thesis would leave me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, utterly incompetent, shame about my own prayer life and faith development, and yet I feel like this is where I need to be. I could’ve easily picked a different topic, picked something was an easier interest for better reasons, yet I picked something I’m not an expert in (nor will I ever be), that hits on areas of struggle and vulnerability in my life and I’m being forced to be aware of and explore that over and over and over again. There is a lot of learning and growth happening in this. I can’t see the end result. I have no idea I’m going to happy with the end result but I do in a lot of ways feel like I’m being humbled…So now I am here, in my vulnerability and weakness, constantly fighting for control by doing, instead of reflecting and being. The rough edges are being sanded down right now. It’s not easy or pleasant but it’s happening. (Excerpt from Oct. 13) In this moment of reflection, I also confronted my struggles with praying and my insecurity about how that would influence data analysis: Something new for me, however, is coming to a place of humility and really being honest about my struggles with praying the past couple of years and sitting with that struggle. I want to admit it is a struggle, I want to be honest about it; and yet, I put distance between myself and that struggle. I don’t want to admit it because I should be at a better place. I so strongly resonated when we [in supervision] talked about how I should be at a better place, I just went through a Christian school, actually had a lot of Christian friends for the first time in my life, am married to a future Pastor, and now I’m the Vicar’s wife and a teacher at a Christian preschool, and to add the cherry on top my stupid thesis is all about what is unattainable and impossible and frustrating for me at this point in my life: prayer. (Except from Oct. 13) I continued by engaging with what happened in the previous year that changed my faith. I went from a person who prayed to one who did not. I went from relying and turning to God to relying and focusing on myself. This led me to reflect further upon how I was struggling with vulnerability in my relationships with others, and in some sense seemed to be protecting myself from the disappointment of not feeling that God was with me: CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 125 I felt very disconnected from God. There was really only emptiness in that relationship for me. I stopped looking for God. If I tried to pray it wasn’t for relationship, it was simply for certain needs and desires to be met. I didn’t want God to be close to me, so why pray in any other way?... I’ve slowly allowed the vulnerability to come back in, but not to the point I need to be. I feel like I’m being beaten down but holding so tightly onto a semblance of control, but this control is not one that is healthy. (Excerpt from Oct. 13, 2017) I don’t know why God stopped responding to me in my silence. When I feel it out now, I feel sad, God why did you leave me in such a moment of need?... I want to digest those feelings, but I pose a question to myself that also needs some reflection – did God really stop answering or was it you who stopped listening and caring? I kind of feel like this pattern of no ask, no response has really just continued to a point where it’s hard to even want to pray. (Excerpt from Oct. 13, 2017) In this entry, I continued to reflect more on my anger towards God and digested why I was so hesitant, staying far away from embracing a relationship with God. It was in this honesty that I finally started to move through my shame and insecurity about my faith. I cannot pinpoint exactly what happened, but I think confronting my vulnerabilities, anxieties, and God directly through writing helped me open up. Instead of being constrained by my worries, I finally let them just be. Though insecurities would crop up at other points in the thesis, they were not so relentless. Openness in my data analysis really came out of this series of reflections. A desire to pray, too, came out of this honesty and vulnerability. Faith and Theological Beliefs For the sake of being completely open, it is important for me to be transparent about some of the theological beliefs that informed my understanding of praying throughout my thesis. While phenomenologist researchers seek to remain presuppositionless (van Manen, 1990, 2014), one assumption I held to be true throughout my thesis is that God is real and religious and spiritual experiences (like encountering God) are real. In the interviews and throughout data analysis, this meant that I treated participants’ spiritual experiences and relationship with God, in their lives and in therapy, as a reality as well. In the interviews and the follow-ups, I asked about how they knew this to be real in the moment, which helped deepen my understanding of the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 126 meaning of the experience. As Finlay (2011) contends, my beliefs often helped inform and deepen my analysis, though I needed to remain open to other possibilities. Writing and reflecting definitely helped with my openness throughout. The writing of the phenomenological text – especially right here and I’ve got your back – certainly was deepened by my beliefs, Bible verses, sermons, images from books, and songs. As I wrote the phenomenological text, I was aware of where certain ideas or images arose from. I allowed them to inform and deepen the dimensions and meanings of the lived experience after I wrote and reflected about them. The process of writing helped me put images and beliefs to the side, for a time, to see if there was another way I could understand the lived experience. Faith Development As painfully obvious (for myself at least) in the above sections, my faith development has felt slow and it feels like there is still so much for me to learn. My mother took me to a Lutheran church where I participated in Sunday School and confirmation and later taught both. For myself, commitment to my faith arose out of many dark life circumstances that coincided with a friend convincing me to volunteer at a Bible camp. When I was at this camp, I wanted to learn more about God, especially how to reconcile suffering with a God who is Good. I learned a lot from the Bible studies but found my conversations with staff members most informative and enlightening as they shared their own struggles and wonders with me. While I cannot remember what exactly was said to me, I remember getting the message that God is with us in our struggles, even when we push Him away (the parable of the Prodigal Son remains an evocative example of this for me). From that point on, I more purposefully engaged with my faith in many ways, including becoming more familiar with Lutheran theology (see, for example, Nestigan & Forde, 1993). Some tenets of this theology that I hold strongly onto are: (1) God is always CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 127 seeking relationship with us; (2) we, as people, have tendency to turn away from God; (3) we are loved and cared for by God, shown through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ; and (4) our transgressions are forgiven through the grace of God (by the death and resurrection of Jesus), not by our own actions or beliefs. Throughout my thesis, it was very important for me to reflect on how my theological beliefs and experiences with prayer influenced my analysis—especially with the participants from more Evangelical traditions that I knew little about. As with the rest of my thesis, I purposefully reflected on parts of the interview that I felt uncomfortable with or where I did not understand the language participants used. Engaging with unfamiliar areas was really enlightening for me as I learned about commonalities between traditions and some of the differences. I enjoyed this process because it was interesting to see and experience the different ways faith can be enacted – especially in more exuberant, expressive traditions. Reflecting on what prayer was and how to define prayer was also an important part of my thesis. This was an on-going process of discovery for me as I read about many forms of prayer and talked with my supervisor, who is much more familiar with the contemplative prayer tradition than myself. I reflected on experiences of prayer and how prayer really came down to a relationship for me, which fits with both active and receptive forms of praying. Praying is a form of engagement, of being in a relationship with God; even if we do not listen, some engagement is better than nothing. This iterative process of being aware of my doubts or uncertainties was very crucial to remaining open to new forms of prayer and theological beliefs during my thesis. Reflexivity about the Research Process As both van Manen (2014) and de Witt and Ploeg (2006) contend, it is important for researchers to be able to account for how they went about the research process. Above, I CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 128 detailed some of my vulnerabilities and theological beliefs that influenced my interpretive process. In the final part of this chapter, I share some of my journal entries and processes from interviewing participants onwards. As mentioned, journaling was a crucial part of my openness throughout my thesis, both in the form of my research journal and the data analysis reflections I did for each participant. Below, I share some examples, pictures, and entries to try and be as transparent as I can about my research process. Interviewing Participants I interviewed five participants from the end of February to July 2017. The depth of my interviews certainly increased over time as I grew in comfort with my semi-structured interview. Though I did a pilot interview that went well (a couple of months before the first interview), I became nervous when I started interviewing participants, knowing the quality of the interview would affect my analysis. With time and experience, I learned what kind of information I should deepen (phenomenological content, not interpretations) and became more comfortable as a researcher. With the last three participants and in the follow-up interviews, I found that I really settled into the process and was able to encounter the women I met with and the lived experience of praying in therapy. There were times I deviated away from phenomenological content in my interviews and asked for interpretation and meaning. For the most part, participants would answer in a way that returned to the lived experience, though not always. One thing I noticed, too, was that participants often gave interpretations when not asked. A common example was referring to Scripture, not their own experience, to describe what was happening. While this gave me some direction, I learned to deepen their examples by bringing it back to their experience of praying. The follow-up interviews were very helpful, especially because I was more confident in myself and what I needed to deepen. Throughout the interview process, I was CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 129 aware that participants would have different theological beliefs and understandings than my own, which certainly came up. In line with Finlay (2011), I tried to be open and curious. After an interview and in data analysis, I purposefully engaged with differences I noticed to remain aware of my biases and open to how participants’ experienced their faith. First interview. My first interview was done in Alberta. We met at the home of a mutual contact with whom this participant was comfortable with (though no one was at the house when the interview was happening). The house was very comfortable and we started off with tea together, which was a nice way to get to know each other and ease into the interview. At the beginning of the interview, I was very nervous because this was the first “real” interview and I pressured myself to get it right. Though I did a pilot interview, I found my lack of familiarity with my first participant daunting. Retrospectively, I feel like the nervousness preoccupied me, which meant that I missed opportunities to deepen what she was saying. I was also a bit thrown off by this participant choosing to share about experiences that were from many years ago. In the interview, we both noticed that some of the detailed information about what happened was no longer known. I was aware that this participant really wanted to help me and was nervous that she could not remember it perfectly. In the interview, it was really important for me to ensure she was comfortable and knew I appreciated her sharing, regardless of whether the exact details were known. At times, this meant our interview sidetracked away from the phenomenological content. After the interview, I reflected on some of my worry about the content of the interview: I tried to ask specifically about her experiences, but found that it was easy to talk about prayer, or experiences in counselling, quite generally… From our interview, I learned a lot about how prayer in therapy (and in her life) gave her strength and conviction to continue on, though many people would have given up. I was moved by that. When I listen back to the interview I think I will learn where I could have changed my responses and style of interviewing. (Excerpt from Feb. 27, 2017) CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 130 While this worry was legitimate, I learned that it was not necessarily well-founded over time and in conversation with my research supervisor. Though the ‘facts’ about the experience were missing in parts, her descriptions of her emotions and body sensations were very vivid and rich. I used this interview as an opportunity to learn how I could better ask questions in future interviews. I also realized I needed to settle myself more before starting the interview so I could really focus on the experiences, not on my own worries. On some levels, I was surprised with how much the interview stirred in me. So many questions and curiosities arose throughout. This participant shared very candidly about how broken she felt at the beginning of her counselling. I was amazed by how she kept such a strong faith through many difficult life circumstances. I was in awe, but also confused, by the depth of this participant’s faith. It was humbling to encounter such a strong faith. I felt humbled because [this participant] shared so candidly about her state coming into counselling and how her faith was during that time. I was struck by the fact that she could stay strong in her faith amongst relational and physical stress. I was surprised by the fact that she did not doubt or get angry at God but turned to him completely. Prayer became the way she hung onto life in a sense. In counselling, she found peace in prayer. She had a moment to just be still. I’m not sure how to word that differently but there was something so profound about the stillness of prayer. What is it that allows us to finally rest and relax and be at peace? … Faith with little doubt or questioning is foreign to me. [This participant] has years to develop that kind of determination and being settled in her faith, whereas I have a long way to go. I can’t help but think that God stays with us in our questioning (and suffering) but perhaps our journeys and response to life events are developed through the path in life that we walk. (Excerpt from Feb. 27, 2017) Overall, this was a good first interview. I learned areas of growth and felt that I genuinely connected with this participant in our interview. I later followed-up with this participant to deepen this interview. Second interview. My second interview happened two months after the first, which was a larger gap than I preferred for my own comfort and familiarity with the interview questions. We met at the counselling centre on Trinity Western University’s (TWU) campus. I allowed this CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 131 participant to pick the date of the interview and she picked a Sunday. In retrospect, this was not a good decision for myself. I typically did not work on Sunday and found that I needed to drag myself to this interview. I went to the interview early to help myself settle in, which allowed me feel more excited and energetic. Before our interview started, this participant had something come up for her (non-emergency) that seemed to distract her throughout the interview, evidenced by her repeatedly checking her cell phone. Seeing that she seemed a bit distracted before we started, I asked her, prior to going through the Informed Consent form, if she wanted to move the interview to a better time; she indicated she still wanted to do the interview. In terms of all of my interviews, this interview lacked depth at the emotional and somatic levels. While this participant was able to access the details of her experience, I found deepening other levels difficult. During the interview, I was unsure if this related to how I was phrasing questions or something else. After the interview, I reflected on why this interview did not seem to reach a lot of depth. I focused on what I could have done better. I think I’m putting so much pressure on myself to have these interviews be full of information to make my thesis be great, when really it depends on myself, the questions I ask, and the ability of the participants to give answers…. One thing I noticed is that we are kind of close in age. I wonder if developmentally, both in our age and in faith development that it is harder to understand the emotions and bodily experience of Christ when praying. Like maybe if I was more mature in my faith, I could have helped her deepen or find the words to describe the lived experience?... I was frustrated by the fact that I could sense that there was more but did not quite know how to get there. (Excerpt from April 30, 2017) To prepare for my third interview (which was a week after this one), I shared about this interview in a lab meeting, which helped me process and move beyond my anxieties. While following up with this participant may have deepened the phenomenological content, I did not. After the interview, I e-mailed her about a signature needed for compensation for the research and received no reply. Being unsure about her engagement in the first interview and the lack of response, I decided not to contact her for a follow-up. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 132 Third interview. In my third interview, I finally started to feel comfortable as an interviewer for research. I let go of my anxieties more easily and felt more confident asking deepening questions. For this interview, we met at TWU’s counselling centre. Throughout the interview, I noticed how this participant spoke carefully and slowly. I could tell she was connecting to what she was saying. Her demeanour was relaxed but reflective. I remember her looking off to the side as she recounted her experiences and what life was like for her coming into therapy. At the beginning of the interview, she shared about the weight and load of caring for someone with a mental illness. Because this was familiar to me, I resonated a lot with the struggles she spoke of. I think this shared understanding helped me feel energized, connected with myself, and engaged throughout this interview. I was really touched by what she shared. Again, it was not a perfect interview, but more and more I was learning how to deepen and ask better questions. After the interview, I reflected how her experience touched and inspired me. During the interview, I could really feel and understand the weight that she was carrying at that time. It is the most terrible, isolating, dark feeling. She described this as having a wet blanket thrown on her. Nothing feels like it has meaning or purpose, and it’s easy to ask ourselves why the hell bother with what I’ve been given? It is an incredibly isolating feeling as a Christian as well because you want God to be there, you want to see and feel His goodness, but it honestly just feels like there is nothing there…Leaving the interview today, I feel humbled in myself. I needed the reminder that God is present and near, not distant and far. I felt God’s goodness, God’s comfort, and God’s power while she shared her story. I feel like He is saying “let me carry your load, I want to carry your load – don’t do it alone”. It is humbling to get that reminder. It is humbling to be reminded that we don’t have to carry it all on our own. It is humbling to hear the power of God’s presence amidst our own chaos. It is humbling to know that God does work in seemingly small ways and short times, yet those times are powerful and so very good. I am thankful for this interview and what it moved and brought within me. I certainly did not expect this today. It was beautiful, simple, powerful, and humbling. (Excerpt from May 5, 2017) I was, fortunately, able to follow-up with this participant, which enhanced and deepened my understanding of her experience of praying in therapy. Fourth Interview. We met for the fourth interview at TWU. There was a large gap between the screening interview and the actual interview (~3 months) because of this CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 133 participant’s schedule. This participant was very articulate and aware of herself and her struggles. Unlike most of my other participants, she did not come in with a really specific, salient experience. Praying in therapy was important and meaningful for her but there was not one prayer that stood out to her more than others, so she chose her most recent experience. Our interview flowed easily, there was a lot of laughter, and moments of seriousness. I felt like I was connecting and understanding her experience and asking the questions that I needed to. For the first time, I did not focus on my insecurity or uncertainty at all. I felt that there was a lot of detail and specificity at multiple depths that came out of the interview. Later on, I realized it would have been beneficial to deepen whether this participant felt God with her in the prayer, with so much of the interview geared towards the lived experience of praying in relation to her therapist. I contacted this participant for a follow-up but did not get a response. Because of the busyness of her life, I was unsurprised. My journal entry afterward more so focused on content I noticed in the interview. I, especially, felt like I understood why she sought faith-based counselling, which I did not deepen as well in other interviews. I reflected about her reasons for seeking counselling in Christian context after the interview. I loved her metaphor of “regular” counselling as going with and in the waves of the sea, whereas faith-based counselling for her has depth. It grounds her. Throughout the interview, she really weaved how there was little comparison to her experiences, not that other counselling was bad but the fact that there was no real relief – things were not getting or touching the core of who she is, which included identity in God. It was a sobering reminder to me that sometimes we focus so much on ourselves in counselling and not enough on God in our struggles. In the past, this really helped me work through a lot of anxiety. We can do our part, but there are some things that are outside of us or our bubble. As [she] put, there’s both a lot of humility AND freedom in remembering who we are. (Excerpt from June 25, 2017) Fifth interview. My final interview happened a couple of weeks before I moved back to Alberta. Though I had a lot of other things going on for me, I was very excited for my interview with this participant because of how well our screening interview went. I knew this participant CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 134 would be very articulate and excited to share about her experience. We met at the counselling centre of TWU. In the interview, I recognized that myself and this participant came from different faith traditions. While I noticed these differences, I was open and curious. I think both her openness and my continuous reflection about my beliefs with other participants aided in the interview process. The only struggle I had in this interview related to its length. After about an hour and a half, I noticed I became passive. Up until that point, I was very engaged. Luckily, at this point, we got through the majority of the interview. In this last part, she shared about how this experience shaped her today. After the interview, I reflected on moments in the interview that I needed to pay attention to in analysis. For me, it was a bit weird to hear she wanted a “leader” in her life that was a man. On one hand, I remember struggling with that…. It was eye-opening for me to see this from her perspectives because of the negative experiences she’s had with men throughout her life. When I’m transcribing and analyzing, I really sense it’s important to capture the essence of this…I’m not sure what it is but I feel there’s something there. (Excerpt from July 20, 2017) Though there was not too much left to deepen from this interview, I did a follow-up to clarify my understanding of a few things. As in the first interview, this participant shared in-depth answers that were very helpful for understanding the lived experience. Data Analysis Undoubtedly, data analysis was the most difficult part of my thesis, emotionally, spiritually, and academically. It was where I felt most uncertain and impatient. I found van Manen’s (2014) writing on insight both frustrating and helpful. He contends that insight rarely comes easily, right in the moment of working, but after a prolonged time of being preoccupied by the lived experience: insight and depth cannot be forced. At times, I really wanted to be done my thesis and did not want to be patient. I noticed, however, that with time and engagement, insight came, especially when I was doing something redundant or at night. All that being said, I CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 135 spent months on thematic analysis. Throughout these months, I learned that I could not force analysis when I was overtired or anxious. Typically, it just made me agitated and hopeless; nothing fruitful happened. Allowing time to reflect and interact with my attitude and emotions was imperative for me to remain opened and engaged throughout analysis. I quickly learned if I kept my worries, wonderings, and stresses in, they become unmanageable. During my thesis, I often reflected on how demanding and time-consuming hermeneutic phenomenology was. Something I’ve been reflecting a bit on lately is the pressure I’ve been feeling to get my thesis done vs. being able to sit with the data and really immerse myself in it as I wish to do. I really feel like I’m stuck between the balance of two sides of who I am as a person—both pragmatic and introspective. I’ve realized that I often treat these two sides of myself as being separate ad competing. Unfortunately, the pragmatic side tends to rule and dominate in my when it has little shape because I seek structure in times of anxiety. Unfortunately, the anxiety and the structure continually build, circle, and strangle any ounce of openness and creativity I have. My ability to see really becomes clouded when I let deadlines, a felt sense of productivity, and my need to be perfect dominate how I work. The introspective side of me really craves to have a moment of stillness and silence. It really doesn’t need the anxiety, the voice reminding me that loans are due, that I’ve got a rush and work through things, the disappointment in myself for not moving faster or being better. And yet, today that pragmatic, down to earth side of me has value in data analysis too. It is the side of me that wants to make things beautiful AND useful—not just something that cannot be accessed and understood by others. (Excerpt from Sept. 28, 2017) The joy of doing this research really gets sucked out of me with the agendas and deadlines. I wish I could have all the time in the world and a community around me; unfortunately, circumstances have afforded me neither. I know I need to work on having balance. (Excerpt from Oct. 12, 2017) Some fear is good and healthy, yet living a life that is dominated by fear is not what I want for others, nor is something that I want for myself. I don’t think God wants me to always be stuck in a place of fear either… My typical response to fear has been to feed into it. To really try and control and spend lots of time doing stuff when much less time could be used. I’ve encouraged the fear as I’ve allowed it to dictate what I do, when I do it and I’ve let myself fall into shame and guilt when the fear seeps into me and doesn’t allow me any room to be myself and enjoy myself and embrace the life that I have right now. I’m always ten steps in the future and never enjoying the moment. (Excerpt from Oct. 31, 2017) I’m angry at this method. It is so hard and finicky and that needs much more time than a couple of years, and that’s seeking information that is so specific. (Excerpt from Dec. 13, 2017) I struggled a lot with disappointment and pressures with expectations early on in my analysis (indeed when everything looked like a mountain). Now, I feel more settled with how slow things can be… I kind of feel like a light is coming to the end of the tunnel though, because come February I’ll get to do much more reading and writing, which is where I feel my strengths are. (Excerpt from Jan. 3, 2017) CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 136 It is slowness I feel I need right now. Don’t rush what doesn’t have to be rushed. The essential meanings will come with time and reflection. (Excerpt from Jan. 15, 2017) And as soon as I looked at the outlines for timelines that I’d been avoiding to this point, I knew, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it in time. I was sad and disappointed. I know I can’t work any faster or push anymore. It needs to come and flow. As soon as I force it or try to lose my sanity be cramming everything in, I know my thesis will not be something I’m proud of others to look at. And the beautiful lived through experiences I have in front of me won’t retain any of the beauty that I heard in the interviews. I know I need to spend time in the moving forward. (Excerpt from Jan. 30, 2017) With time and honesty with myself, I came to a point of patience and acceptance, which made the last few chapters much easier to write. It felt as though there was less obstructing me from seeing and writing what was before me. Transcription process. For me, it was important to do the transcription in this research to be very familiar with the interviews, including intonations, pauses, and hesitations that could point me towards meaning. Through transcribing and then listening to each interview many times, I certainly remembered the interviews well, which helped with my analysis. My biggest regret about this process, however, was procrastinating on transcribing the interviews. In my busyness, I did not want to spend time critiquing how I ‘performed’ in the interview. When I transcribed my first interview in February 2017, I magnified the mistakes and misunderstandings that inevitably come through interviewing. I finally started transcribing the last four interviews in September 2017. At this point, I turned to friends that I trusted who helped me be more compassionate and patient with myself. As I continued to listen and analyze transcripts, I allowed myself to reflect on mistakes, which also helped me be open in data analysis. These processes, discussed below, were also done with the three follow-up interviews. Listening to the interviews as part of analysis. An important part of my immersion in the research text was listening to the interview multiple times (typically three) before starting my CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 137 analysis. In the first listen through, I simply listened to the whole interview. This gave me an opportunity to focus on intonations and what was said and done. In the second and third listen through, I wrote out my impressions of the interview (including areas that could have been better), what was coming up for me, and what struck me most about participants’ experience of praying in therapy. After I did this, I typed each of my reflections out. Listening and reflecting helped me open up to the research text, even if not writing anything profound or insightful. Below, I share some of these reflections: One of my curiosities is the line “It was prayer that kept me” (p. 2, para. 11). I wish I would have asked more about that. I am so intrigued by what that meant in her life? In counselling? Really based on my understanding of prayer in her life, I think both. I get the sense that prayer is everything. I don’t know if I quite understand what this means or what this feels like. There was a time where I had this, but I feel as though it’s out of grasp right now. (Excerpt from June 5, 2017) As I move forward, it is important to reflect on my own experiences with mental illness with friends and family- feel saddened by the stress and weight that [this participant] had to carry and still does have to carry with a [family member] struggling with mental illness. I don’t want to impose my experiences on her. (Excerpt from Oct. 4, 2017) Finds meaning in the suffering (this reminds me a lot of what Frankl says); meaning not in herself, not in making it better, but more so feeling God with her, she wants to trust Him. (Excerpt from Oct. 4, 2017) Forgiveness as being for our own sake- related to reconciliation? Brings up this notion that she wasn’t forgiving her brother for his sake, but for her own. I hadn’t ever really thought of forgiveness this way. I feel like I better understand and appreciate why we forgive through [her] response: we can let go and move beyond hurts, we can reach a place where we’re not holding on or carrying weight that wasn’t meant to be ours to carry. (Excerpt from November 8, 2017) In my second listen, I should focus on times when she get’s quieter; there is something about her quietness that cues me into the seriousness of what she is saying. In many parts, she’s quite happy and animated but there seems to be something deeper there. (Excerpt from Dec. 7, 2017) Significance of therapist being male and being a leader and mentor to him: the phrase gift and “special as a woman” kind of confuses me. On the other side of that feels taken care of, worthwhile, special (mirrored later on in the interview with Jesus interestingly). (Excerpt from Jan. 4, 2018) CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 138 If I noticed something in the interview really stirred something inside of me (positive or negative), I purposefully reflected on what was coming up in order to remain open and oriented to the lived experience of praying in therapy. So unlike [this participant], I really didn’t have any foundation for faith at that time and I was mad. I was so angry at how God could allow this to happen to anyone…For a while, everything seemed surreal, I had to get used to responsibilities and roles I never had and try to relate to someone I no longer recognized. It was a very dark place. A place where I was constantly onedge, or trying to avoid by throwing myself into other spaces. While I sat in my anger, I carried sadness and worry that was deep. I was also concerned about them, while also being consumed by myself – I recognize the hopelessness, the trial, the battle that [the participant] speaks of going through. I also greatly understood the loneliness and isolation of pretending things are okay, hiding the shameful illness away from others – it’s so lonely. I really needed someone to see and notice this. (Excerpt from Oct. 5, 2017) As I listen back I just hear this openness and willingness to push herself beyond her ideal or what she likes. Like she really described being uncomfortable and not enjoying that prayer whatsoever, and yet she shifted her own attitude to one of receptivity by encouraging herself to try. I really feel like I have a lot to learn from this. I often feel uncertain about faith practices different from my own. If I fail, or if it doesn’t work I’d just feel too stupid and upset with myself. With [this participant], she recognizes and leans into something that she’s struggling with. Like that’s just really cool to me and something I want to use as an inspiration moving forward. (Excerpt from Nov. 6, 2017) [She] was pretty hesitant as she said this in the interview. And with my own sense of being perplexed by what she said, I can understand why she worries what other people will think and say about her desire for a male leader or male role model. I get a bit uncomfortable with this, but I recognize that is very much embedded from growing up with a parent who wanted us to be strong, independent, not needing to rely on anyone, especially a man for all forms of support…. The discomfort and uncertainty, for me, I think comes strongly out of this embedded view I grew up with because whenever I explore the comfort it’s pretty shallow, it’s like “that’s how it should be” though I don’t even fit in this box myself. When I think of [this participant], my heart just breaks for all of the abuse that she had to grow through. Especially if you have that desire for a man to lead, protect, and guide you and really your entire life has been the exact opposite. I can see and understand why having a strong male presence who is nurturing is so meaningful… With her statements, I know she’s not talking about blindly following what a man says or does, it’s more so this longing to have a stable man there at all. I can understand that. (Excerpt from Jan. 3, 2018) Shortening the transcripts. After I transcribed the full interview, I listened and read the interview text 2-3 times before deciding what to cut in order to create a research text that was focused on the lived experience. When I read through the research text for each participant, I noticed that there was conversation unrelated to praying in therapy and that both participants’ CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 139 and myself used many extraneous words (such as uhm, words that were repeated not for emphasis, the phrase “you know”) that distracted my focus from the lived experience. For each participant, I, thus, cut out words and text that did not contribute to understanding the lived experience as a whole. Because thematic analysis takes a considerable amount of time this also limited my focus to text related to participants’ experiences of praying in therapy. For each participant, I kept track of my edits in a Word document that showed changes to the initial document; I also kept the full version of the interview so I could return to it if needed. Analyzing the research text. Because hermeneutic phenomenology does not give a lot of structure on how to do or organize thematic analysis, I struggled with the first participant interview that I analyzed. While I was frustrated at times, this was a good process for me to figure out what worked for me and helped me be open. It seemed a bit like walking in darkness. With time, however, I learned to notice when I needed breaks, how to reflect, and how to deepen my initial impressions; at this point, data analysis began to go more smoothly. The last three participants were much easier for me to settle into. As mentioned in the methods section, I was fortunate to have a friend and colleague join me in data analysis for the first two participants. I found that this energized me and opened me up to new understandings when I was feeling stagnant. For the other three participants, I reflected and talked with my research supervisor who also opened me up to new ways of seeing the text after I spent so long immersed in it. For each of the research texts, I spent the most time reflecting on words and phrases from the selective highlighting and line-by-line approaches to thematic analysis. This was very time consuming as I often had 25 or more quotes to go through for each participant. While it is impossible to fully share how I reflected, some of this writing conveys parts of this process. I think it’s really interesting that [she] actively contrasted the relief that she got from medication to the relief that she experienced during that prayer. I always feel so sad for [this participant] as CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 140 she comments that her life was sick. Indeed, throughout the interview, I strongly felt that she had a really rough go before coming into counselling. Considering her being in that place and being able to experience some relief during prayer is really quite beautiful. It’s like allowing yourself a moment of quiet and peace, amidst the chaos surrounding you. Finding the calm in the eye of the storm. It’s interesting how we typically treat people with medication, which helps but really doesn’t give relief in the same way that other practices can. So why does prayer give her relief that medication can’t? On a really surface level, medication is something that we take in isolation. It aims at changing our neurochemistry to a place where we can focus and get through the day. When praying with her therapist, however, she get’s relief from what is going on in her life, though the circumstances don’t change at all. Prayer, in this scenario, is with her therapist and her worries and stresses are also being brought to God. She’s not so alone in these moments, physically, emotionally, and spiritually she can feel God’s presence, which I could see being quite a bit different. What else could there be? (Excerpt from Sept. 21, 2017) So the light, the hope that comes out of this experience seems to be intimately related to the fact that it helps her trust and see that her pain and suffering isn’t just meaningless, but is doing something. She can’t identify what, but through having God with her she knows that there is something meaningful or good happening to her. It seems like this experience helps her turn to God, trust God, trust the meaning and submit in some ways. Like through the certainty that God is there, she is able to put aside her doubts and just trust…So feeling and seeing Jesus come beside her and take that burden is being in close relation to God; there is a sense that she is connected to a Source, connected to God at that moment, which leads to this realization that she is close with God, in a relationship with God, important to God perhaps. And it is in that relationship, in believing that God is there and present and caring for her that she trusts and knows that whatever’s she’s going through isn’t purposeless. Like God isn’t mean and cruel and distant, but here. So with that experience of God being close and caring, though she doesn’t understand why she’s going through what she is, she understands that there is some meaning, some purpose?? (Excerpt from Oct. 16, 2017) There are a few meanings that come out of this for me. In that slow process of going through each part of the armor, she seems to reach this awareness of our own limitations. I’m not sure why, but I sense a lot of humility in what she is saying. And this humility comes from the fact that she doesn’t stress her own actions, but readily considers how it is that God is working in her life through this prayer. By purposefully noticing and recognizing, or orienting to God, there is this moment of like I can’t be alone, I don’t have it in control. And it’s interesting to me that this realization isn’t riddled with anxiety, but trust in God’s provision. Explicitly noticing her need for God isn’t scary, but in some ways needed. Our limitations remind us of why we need God. (Excerpt from Nov. 29, 2017) Here, she uses the word nice, but I think what she’s really getting at is relief, relief from having to carry everyone’s burdens, relief that her therapist is praying for her. As I reflected on in another place, praying in therapy seems to give her an affirmation that it is okay for her to not have to carry it all on her own. It’s okay that she can’t be or do things that she is unable to do. When she says freeing, I get the image of shackles being taken off. And with the newfound freedom, there is life and excitement and energy, because all of the sudden you’re not carrying around this burden all the time. It’s like taking the first breath after something really good happens. In her words, I feel like she’s owning that freedom. She’s excited about that freedom. (Excerpt from Dec. 15) As she says here, being protected is not necessarily like being guarded so heavily, but there is a very loving feeling of someone being with her and supporting her through the trials of life. For CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 141 someone who has always had to have their stuff together, I feel like, for her, this brings a reality to truly leaning and falling onto some. She doesn’t need to stand up and be this super independent human, but she has someone to catch her when she falls. I think of what it’s like in an ideal marriage where we can support and fall into the arms of someone who we love and who loves us, it takes away all the pressure of needing to say and do everything right. Like there is this deep sense of being loved, like Jesus came to me, and also like I can finally let go and relax a bit. I don’t have to have everything figured out. I can let go, surrender. I don’t have to have it all together. Someone will fight for me, they’re ready for me. (Excerpt from Jan. 15, 2018) Thematic analysis. For each participant, the last part of the individual thematic analysis was grouping together similar meanings. In order to do so, I wrote out essential meanings from specific quotes and general impressions on a whiteboard. Figure 1 shows one the essential meanings that emerged from certain quotes and reading of the text. For me, simply writing out these themes felt both chaotic but also accurate to what the dimensions of praying were—a complex web of meanings, all interrelated, yet somehow discrete. Figure 1. Summarizing essential meanings during thematic analysis. After that, I went and grouped together meanings that seemed similar in some way. I used different colours and symbols to distinguish each of these themes. I always let myself do a “?” category when something just did not seem to fit. Figure 2 below shows what this looked like for many of my participants: CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 142 Figure 2. Grouping similar essential meanings together into themes. Once I tentatively grouped similar meanings together, I summarized each phrase into a Word Document so I could see what they looked like together. Often, at this point, the themes would change quite a bit once I returned to the original quotes. I constantly asked myself could this fit somewhere else? Could this be something else? This helped me stay open and critical of how the essential meanings fit together. Once I was satisfied with what I came up with, I began writing. This writing was not an attempt at the phenomenological text, but more so an opportunity for me to see how much I understood and whether I was really touching on anything meaningful. As van Manen (2014) contends, for hermeneutic phenomenology, research really is the writing. In this process, I often noticed how inadequate my words were, what I was and was not grasping. I share some excerpts from my early, rough writing below: So what about God’s presence promotes real healing for her? There’s a movie clip from Moana that I think demonstrates this really well (when she is going to Te-Fiti). Moana approaches TeFiti and tells her “I know your name. This is not who you are” and then goes on to tell the monster what her name is. In having someone go to her, recognize what she is underneath all the rubble, allowed for healing. I wonder in this interview if that is what she speaks of. In prayer, there is this sense of “real” healing because, through the presence of someone who loves you, you can really know who you are. Through someone who loves you, being present (“the Word is Living”) and attuning to what you need to hear, you are known by someone, you are valued. The healing is not instantaneous, but a continual reminder that you are loved, that you belong to someone bigger than what you’re experiencing. In a sense, you’re re-orienting back to a version of yourself where you felt valued and loved (being with her husband), before facing the rejection. Feeling God’s presence, feeling the love, the trust of Him and your trust of Him brings you back to the place where that is a reality. (Excerpt from Sept. 29, 2017) CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 143 She really reiterates the immediate, tangible experience of the presence of God in therapy. Initially, I was struck and reflected on how there was an appreciation for this immediate presence and then I pushed myself to why the appreciation? I sense that her amazement, repetition of this physical understanding of God’s presence really comes down to getting a response. It wasn’t something she had to wait for; through the prayer, her therapist asked for God to come and help her. During the prayer, she was given that tangible image of seeing Jesus helping her, coming in and taking all of that which she carried. She saw that she had someone with her, ready to come in and help her. She wasn’t alone anymore in her struggles and her pain. And with someone coming in she felt Jesus beside her, too, in that moment and He took away that burden. He took away that load; it was an extreme moment of having her need for someone else, her need for help, her need for comfort met, a need to see more in life than just the bleakness and darkness the pervaded (Excerpt from Oct. 25, 2017) While this sounds simple, it really seems like she is actively saying “yes” to praying. It seems as though she has this genuine desire to pray, which translates into this willingness to openly pray with her therapist. And in her desire to pray, she entered into the prayer in such a way that she engaged with the prayer in a way that is authentic to her. Through embracing the prayer, she was able to participate in praying in a way that she could stand behind it. Participating became part of another experience of praying which, too, led her to participate and engage in the prayer by making the words fit for her, though she was not leading the prayer. (Excerpt from Dec. 5, 2017) As she listens to the words, she enters into a space where she is freed from the expectations and pressures that are put upon her in her day to day life. Her fast-paced life slows down for a moment as her therapist prays. There is no rush, nowhere to get to, there is just that moment to connect and be there. The heavy weight that was upon her shoulders diminishes as she can sit and listen, not say or do. Without the pressures of needing to carry or manage all that is going on around her, she feels herself going out of that chaotic state: she’s not alone, she has someone with her, she is free from the shackles of controlling and doing. Out of that state she feels the pressure, the weight, the burden of all that she was carrying be released, gone for a moment in her day. (Excerpt from Jan. 3, 2018) As we started off with, when we come into therapy, we often are carrying the weight of the world upon our shoulders. It is a heavy load and we grow weary of needing to say and do everything on our own. When others pray with and for us, we know that we are not alone in carrying this weight, in trudging through the battle we are facing. All of the sudden we have somebody beside us, there with us, our therapist and God. And this is not only someone who is there, simply there. No, no. Praying helps us see and understand that God is with us in a very real way. Though we can’t necessarily see a tangible person in front of us, we feel and know what we’re being told I am there with you, and I am going to stay with you through the ups and downs of your life, through the peaceful sleep and the raging battles, you have someone with you who wants to help. While this is good and needed and relieving in and of itself, it is shocking and new and can catch us off guard. And in that place of knowing we’re not alone, knowing that we have someone with us and beside us, we begin to let go of all of the hurt, the pain, the doubt, that cripples us. We let go and give some of it to the person beside us, who is walking with me. The burden I bear becomes much more manageable through knowing that Jesus is there, ready to take on what we can no longer carry alone. Knowing that we can trust the person beside us, we give the hurt and pain we’ve been carrying away. And as that weight is taken from us, as the expectations and the weight is lifted, we feel relief. (Excerpt from Jan. 24, 2018) CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 144 After the follow-up interviews, I followed the same process of analysis that I delineated above. Because most of the questions had to do with deepening something within themes, I found that essential meanings or understandings that emerged from the follow-up interviews folded quite well into the existing themes. The exception to this, of course, was the analysis I did with my first and second participant. Because I organized the meanings in a way that could not readily be understood by myself, I incorporated the analysis for these two participants with the follow-up interview as I wrote out clearer themes. Grouping themes together. Once I finished thematic analysis for each participant (including the follow-up interviews), I started grouping themes together between participants. Because of the variety of the experiences shared, I was really uncertain about how this process would go. To clearly see what each of themes were and constituted of, I wrote out the themes for each participant on five separate sheets of paper. Knowing that each participant had a theme related to ‘coming into therapy’ and ‘moving forward’, I started to group those themes together. After that, I kept all five pieces of paper in front of me and simply looked at what was similar or alike in the essential meanings, shown in Figure 3 below. Figure 3. Exploring and comparing themes between participants. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 145 I created a document where I grouped similar dimensions of participants themes together. Like earlier, I found it helpful to allow myself a “?” section where I knew a theme dimension was important but could not fit it anywhere. Throughout this process I constantly asked myself, could this fit better somewhere else? What is it that I want this theme to convey? Is this part of this dimension or another? In about a week, I finally rested on how the themes best fit together, as shown in Figure 4. Figure 4. Grouping themes between participants. This became the structure of the phenomenological text. I started writing the first four themes of the phenomenological text before I finalized how well the last four themes fit together. My main concern was considering whether clarity was essential to the experience as a whole or would fold better into the existing themes. With time, I reflected on how clarity seemed essential to the experience, especially related to feeling freed from the worries that weighed heavy on participants. While elements were similar to other themes, it was different enough in its focus on insight and understanding. Deepening Analysis Throughout data analysis and writing of the phenomenological text, there were many sources that helped deepen my understanding of the lived experience of praying in therapy. To CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 146 be fully transparent in this research, I want to purposefully explicate sources that influenced my interpretations. Books. Throughout my thesis I read many books that deepened my understanding and interpretations of the lived experience of praying in therapy, including I and Thou (Buber, 1970), Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home (Foster, 2008), Presence and Encounter (Benner, 2014), The Way of the Heart (Nouwen, 1981), and To Know as We Are Known (Palmer, 1983). Foster, Nouwen, and Palmer opened me up to new understandings and forms of praying, beyond what I, myself, have experienced. Each of these authors introduced me to prayer in the contemplative tradition in a way that I could understand. For Ree’s experience, especially, this helped me see and understand how being led through a visualization was a form of prayer. Though there was no tangible cry or words to God, God was with her at that moment, supporting her as she went through the visualization. Once I understood contemplative prayer better it was important to understand and see the value of other forms of praying, especially in my own life. I found that Foster (2008) continually reminded me that however or whatever our prayers are like, praying helps us stay in a relationship with God. My understanding of what it meant to encounter another person and God was definitely deepened by reading Buber, Benner, and Palmer. Through my counselling education and experience at Trinity Western University, the significance and meaning of relationships were certainly touched on in classes, but not something I had too much opportunity to reflect on myself. As I started reading Buber, I was struck by how human relationships so easily fall into otherness: we notice how people are different from us or easily see people through what they can do for us. As I reflected on the role of the client-therapist relationship in both the thematic and phenomenological analysis, I was very much struck by how praying provided participants this CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 147 moment of encountering or being with another person with no agendas and no judgments. As they described their relationship with their therapist in the moment, it seemed as though they really knew them and were together, not apart, in that shared space. Participants, too, spoke of feeling known, themselves, in an intimate way through this moment. As I engaged with the interviews of Laurel, Lisa, and Ree, especially, the significance and meaning of connection loomed at the forefront of my mind. Though not always said outright, their words reflected the significance of knowing God, knowing their therapist, and knowing themselves through this relationship that became tangible while praying in therapy. Attachment theory. Understanding the significance of the lived relationality in data analysis with each participant was most definitely informed by attachment theory. A few months before starting my analysis, I completed a training course on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, which relies heavily on attachment theory. The basic tenet of attachment theory (for couples and parent-child relationships) is that we can better explore and make sense of our world when we feel secure in significant relationships in our lives. Those relationships give us both a secure base and safe haven that we can return to in times of duress. Knowing that we have these relationships enables us to move forward even in times of difficulty and distress. Healthy, secure relationships, however, are not easy to maintain; they require vulnerability and honesty, and responsiveness to needs. Client-therapist relationship. As discussed above, the metaphor of the journey was prompted by an image that repeatedly came to me throughout data analysis. The metaphor of the therapist being someone who both guides and walks with participants was something, too, that evolved from participants’ description of their therapists. Throughout my analysis, with every participant, there was a real sense that the participants felt attuned to. Participants shared how CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 148 their therapist reflected their needs (known or unknown) to God in prayer, which helped them feel understood in their struggle. Because their therapist understood their needs sometimes better than themselves, praying became a place where someone led them in prayer (guide), but also stayed with them in their struggle (walking with). I include some examples of my reflections related to the client-therapist relationship below. For me, this quote really reiterates the significance of her therapist in all of this. She says “he was able to get that despite all the other stuff going around”. In her statement, I really feel like she’s saying my therapist got me and understood what it was that I needed. Within the context of the interview as a whole, she did not feel significant in her own life, she was very other-focused, other-concerned, so I strongly feel and resonate greatly with how well her therapist was able to see, sense, and attune to her needs, both in feeling the weight of what was going on and through the prayer. I really feel like she’s in awe that he knew what to pray for and how to pray and she took that as inspiration; it was just so spot on to what it was that was needed. So while he facilitates that prayer experience, I think the greater gift in what she is describing is a therapist who actually got down and settled her in the chaos and the fog. (Excerpt from Oct. 12, 2017) As reflected on, the word “permission” comes up a lot throughout this interview (etymology: hand over, let go). In this quote, I sense that this participant feels like she’s allowed to let go of these expectations to fix herself. There is this acceptance of where she is at in her struggle. It seems affirming, like it’s okay to be struggling with so much in the context of her life. As an extension of her therapy, praying is very much about staying with her through her struggles, instead of using techniques to manage the anxiety. As I write this, I’m struck with how this whole process is healing in and of itself. There is freedom to be herself in her struggle, while also challenge to change. And I sense a big part of that for her in therapy and the praying is a therapist who stays with her, who doesn’t demean or demand, but gently works with her through it. There is room for her to not be perfect, to work and change through it. (Excerpt from Dec. 16, 2017) I feel like the first part of this walk is praying in such a way that this participant feels like her therapist is staying with her in her struggles. As I mentioned above, she compares this experience to others where she feels as though others want her to change through their prayers. This is a place of anxiety because all of the sudden there is pressure and anxiety to be different, or get to a place where you are well faster than you actually can. There is no room to be able to struggle, and really you feel like the person who prayed for you won’t be with you through that struggle. In this prayer experience, you can tell she feels like her therapist accepts her where she is at; the therapist’s pray echoes the vulnerable needs and desires that were shared with her. There was no pressure felt through the prayer to be anything but what she was at that moment. Instead of feeling like she needs to be different or heal faster, she recognizes and feels safe enough to struggle—she is allowed to exist in that place of discomfort because her therapist is there, steadfastly walking beside her. (Excerpt from Dec. 22, 2017) Responsiveness of God. During my thesis, this was one of the biggest “aha” moments I experienced. When I was analyzing Laurel’s interview, I reflected on why feeling the presence CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 149 of God was so significant. One evening, it suddenly hit me that God’s presence and involvement in the prayer experiences are akin to feeling responded to. From the training I attended, I considered how frustrating and isolating it is to feel alone in relationships. This led me reflect how in times of distress, we feel distant from God (perhaps related to my own experiences, too). We may feel abandoned and unimportant as we suffer and God does not appear to intervene. That moment of connection, in prayer, is meaningful because we finally feel responded to. We know with certainty that we are not alone; we understand we are cared for and loved. Some of my reflections on the significance of being responded to are included below. The immediacy of this felt experience in prayer seems shocking to her – unlike her experience of prayer in her own life. When Derrick and I were talking yesterday, I think for me, there would be just a feeling of amazement at getting a response from God. And maybe the meaning or significance of this quote really comes from the felt experience of God responding to her trials and tribulations in prayer. Instead of waiting or praying into the “ether”, there is someone who is actually there. There is excitement and amazement in her tone because it actually happened. Like God is actually there, waiting to engage with her. It’s not so lonely and hopeless because there is presence, not absence. (Excerpt from Oct. 12, 2017) I thought of difficult times in my life when all I really wanted was engagement with another person and they wouldn’t give it to me. Or in attachment theory in couples how some form of engagement is better than stonewalling. And I’m definitely not saying that God stonewalls us (though I know it can feel that way), but the meaning really comes down to getting a response. I hesitate to put that in my thesis because it’s not something that happens to everyone, and yet this immediate response shows up in many interviews so I can’t ignore it because I’m uncomfortable how this will read to others. When I get down to the significance of it that immediate physical response signals that there is something real happening, that prayer isn’t just something we do. (Excerpt from Oct. 16, 2017) I get this image of an anchor, or a rope, or just something that she can actually grab and hold onto in her moving forward. She takes the light with her, the reality of Jesus’ presence in her life, the fact that God does listen and respond and she can come back to that through all the difficulties and non-response. I think I’ve reflected about this a bit earlier, but I almost feel like there’s a renewal of faith in this. Or a re-orienting or finding that which she already knew. There was this need, however, for this tangible, physical, bodily experience to help her with her faith in a time of darkness and hopelessness. And the memory, the strength of that experience is something she can hold and take with her as she moves forward. It can be a light for her in the darkness of her day. (Excerpt from Oct. 18, 2017) Movie. With this method being so focused on depth it is a bit embarrassing for me to admit that the animated Pixar movie, Moana (2016), produced by Shurer and directed by CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 150 Clements and Musker, helped me deepen my understanding of one of the meanings during data analysis. When I was analyzing Deanne’s interview, she emphasized how praying was a way that you know yourself. I knew this statement carried a lot of depth but I could not quite make sense of it on my own. As I was reflecting on this, a movie scene from Moana came to me. In this scene, Moana calmly walks toward the angry monster Te-Fiti and tells her (through song): “I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are.” As I reflected on Moana’s words and actions at this moment, I thought of participants’ experiences of praying in therapy on many levels. With the brokenness and heartbreak that participants entered into therapy with, there was a sense that they no longer recognized the person they once were (typified through the depiction of Te-Fiti). While suffering and this hurt version of themselves seemed like their new reality, praying seemed to bring participants back to themselves. Through encountering the presence of God, there was this recognition from the participants that they were worthy of love and care. It is a needed, necessary reminder in the blackness and darkness of life. Like Deanne said, there seemed to be something about praying that allowed participants to really know themselves through a loving, secure relationship with their therapist and with God (which, too, is echoed in attachment theory). Images. Each part of the phenomenological text was written with a certain image or metaphor in mind. I describe and explain where these images came from and how they informed the text below. Getting out of the wilderness: Seeking support through life’s valleys. Undoubtedly one of the strongest images that influenced this theme was one of fog, which, first, originated from my interview with Laurel. She described her life, before therapy, as being “foggy and chaotic”. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 151 As I analyzed her interview I reflected on what being stuck in fog is like: lost, disoriented with no sense of direction, out of control, consumed and enveloped by how much it obscures sight, and hopeless. Driving or walking through fog can be a terrifying experience, especially if you are a person who likes to be in control. Through the analysis with the rest of the participants, this images of being stuck in the fog, stuck in a place that you did not want to be, stayed with me. It resonated greatly with the words of other participants. Significantly (and echoed in every interview), therapy and praying in therapy was sought because participants knew they needed to get outside of themselves to get out of the fog of their lives. They knew they could not get out of that place alone, so they both reached out and looked to God. As one of the participants eloquently shared: she needed God to anchor her through the chaos of her life. This image, too, helped me deepen how and why praying became part of therapy for these participants. Walking with you: Therapist guidance and support. As discussed a bit above, an image that resonated strongly with me throughout analysis was the therapist both guiding and walking with participants through praying. The language of Lisa, especially, reiterated this to me as she repeated the phrase “walk with me” when describing the way her therapist prayed. In my own time, I reflected on what is like to have someone walk with you through the ups and downs of life. As I did so, I remembered a picture of me and one of my good friends walking together in the mountains. This picture is especially significant to me because of who this friend was and is in my life—not only a friend but someone who continually orients and encourages me in my faith. Indeed, I would not be the person I am today without her support. The guiding part of the theme very much developed from participants readily speaking about how their therapist knew where to go in prayer, when they, themselves, did not. It was not up to the lost, broken, weary soul to figure out what or how to pray. This guidance, however, was not about dragging CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 152 participants forward or pushing them past their limits but was very much about supporting them where they actually were, not where the therapists wanted their clients to get. When participants shared about how their therapists’ words were gentle, affirming, supportive, I thought of someone staying with you through the peaks of valleys in life. You’re doing your part: Following and participating in prayer. When I was analyzing Deanne and Jaclyn’s interviews, especially, I realized that I could not just focus on the therapist guiding participants through prayer. Participants were autonomous and chose to listen and engage in the prayer. In this regard, it was important for me to convey that participants did not feel like they were being dragged forward or as though they were violated or misunderstood as they prayed together. When participants were praying with their therapist, they readily shared how they trusted their therapist, wanted to pray, and were very much involved in that moment, even if they were not leading the prayer themselves. From wreck to refuge: The sanctuary of prayer. Initially, I thought this theme would emphasize the relaxation and calm experienced by the participants while praying with their therapist. When I started putting quotes together for the final phenomenological text, however, I began to see that this was not enough. To deepen my understanding of the calm, stillness, and relaxation I asked myself, what is it about praying in therapy that allows all of these women to be at rest, to be at ease? Once I posed this question to myself, the title of a hymn by Martin Luther came to my mind, A Mighty Fortress is our God. Though I did not know the words of this hymn, it made me think of praying as a secure space. There was rest and ease for the participants at this moment because there was safety in the space of prayer. This safety contrasted the dark, out of control feeling outside of praying—in the phenomenological text I wanted to heighten, illuminate, and convey this contrast to emphasize its significance. The space CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 153 of praying in therapy was one of being still and feeling safe in the midst of life’s storms. Instead of focusing on the battles outside of the metaphorical walls of prayer, praying provided participants’ weary souls with a sustaining stillness and calm. As participants reflected, this was not a space they created themselves, but one they entered into. Praying was a place where participants rested and gathered energy for the battles in their lives that ensued. Right here: Acknowledging and encountering the Light. Unlike many of the other themes, I did not have a clear image or metaphor for this theme until I started writing the phenomenological text. With Ree’s interview, especially, I reflected about how her description of encountering God reminded me of Aslan from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (Lewis, 1950): a king who was good, but not safe. Aslan, a lion, is not something that can be tamed or manipulated to suit the needs and desires of others, and yet, his presence is good. When she says she was overwhelmed it was because she felt something that was so moving and unexpected happening within her. While this was a scary feeling, it wasn’t experienced as bad. It makes me think of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis viewing and explaining Aslan, someone who is good, who protects and who cares, but a presence that is big and overwhelming as well. When I think of what it means to be overwhelmed, I think of, too, of being consumed and pulled into an experience where you don’t necessarily know what to expect or where you’ll go but going and rolling along with the waves. (Excerpt from Feb. 12, 2018) With that description in mind, I could not describe encountering God as simply a warm, teddy bear moment. I needed to be able to convey that this encounter is good and needed, yet overwhelming because of its luminosity or power. When I finished data analysis, I listened to a sermon about how God is light. To be honest, I do not remember the content of the sermon but do remember walking out of it knowing that this image would describe what this encounter was like at many levels. There were so many aspects of light that fit with participants’ experiences: the warmth and reassurance of light in the dark, how light can illuminate our path, and the fact that light still exists in darkness. When I was going for a walk and taking pictures, I, too, was CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 154 reminded that intense light is very consuming and can overwhelm, yet is still very beautiful. As this happened, it solidified for me that light is a way I could convey what the encounter with God is like with words. I’ve got your back: Letting go and leaning on God. Whenever I came across quotes about surrender in the phenomenological text, an image of someone (whether their therapist or God) taking on these women’s heavy loads always came to my mind. For many participants, I thought of their grief, despair, and hopelessness as a heavy backpack laid upon their shoulders. For Laurel, however, I deepened my analysis by reflecting on how Jesus says my yoke is light (Matthew 11:30). There’s a Bible verse and a sermon I heard in the last year that was about “take up your yoke”, which we often construe to mean carry your own load, but the priest actually pointed out that Jesus is already carrying the yoke, so in a way it was more about come with me. Now this doesn’t really have to do with this quote and is really quite extraneous, but what I’m really struck by is the fact that Laurel is really saying I don’t have to carry this yoke on my own, yes I still have responsibility, I still have to carry some of it, but the full weight of it, the heaviness is not meant to be dealt with and carried by myself. So there is reassurance (“removing doubts and fears” tends to be related to actions or something said to others). The fear and hopelessness moving forward is removed when we feel as though someone is with us. (Excerpt from Oct. 6, 2017) In my follow-up interview with Laurel, I asked Laurel if there were any images she saw during the prayer experience (which I did not ask in the initial interview). It was neat for me to hear her share that she saw Jesus come under her heavy yoke to bear it with her. To me, this solidified that the participants in this research were carrying a heavy load as they entered into therapy. Life became too difficult to manage in the hopelessness and weariness of their lives. They knew they could not carry or manage the weight of life on their own any longer. And it was in this desperation, their acute need of a Saviour, that they looked outside of themselves. With the pain, guilt, and hurt the participants spoke of, I, too, thought of Tchividjian’s (2012) writing about how suffering brings us humans to the end of our rope, prompting us to turn CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 155 to God and give our suffering, responsibilities, weight, and worries to Him. As both Laurel and Ree alluded to in their interview, however, there needs to be an acknowledgement of suffering before you can begin to let it go. Without that leaning into suffering, there is an illusion of control; there is a belief that life can be managed alone. To surrender, or to truly let go and allow God to take the load, I, thus, reflected on how participants needed to hand over the heavy straps of the backpack of despair. They needed to purposefully let go, not just say it with no intent. When they reached the place of authentically letting go, they experienced the lightness of being supported by others. Hope, healing, and renewal came from surrender—they knew their suffering, past, present, and future, was not something they needed to fight through by themselves. Ree, especially, helped me understand how the process of letting go is really how suffering is walked through. Instead of avoiding or managing it, suffering is acknowledged and confronted and then left to God. The darkness of life was never meant to be a lonely journey. Scales falling from my eyes: Clarity through prayer. Of all of the themes, I had the most difficulty making sense of and writing out the phenomenological text for clarity. I was initially tempted to exclude this theme from the text (by subsuming it under another theme) but I could not ignore how prominent it was in each participants’ experiences. I think I struggled the most with clarity because I have little to grasp onto, myself, about what clarity in praying is like. As I spoke with these women in their interviews, engaged with the research text, and eventually wrote the phenomenological text, clarity seemed very mysterious. I did not know how to convey what the women were experiencing. At this point in my faith, too, I struggled to understand the conviction these women felt about the clarity that emerged from prayer. My tendency is to doubt, question, and grasp tightly onto my worries, instead of trusting. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 156 For this reason, I am thankful that clarity was so predominant in each of the women’s interviews—it was something that I was continually confronted by. Before I started writing the phenomenological text, I heard clarity compared to the moment of finally seeing the world clearly, like the moment of having new prescription glasses placed over blurry eyes. The image that comes to mind for me is something that’s been in the periphery or out of reach for her coming into focus quickly and unexpectedly through this experience (consider glasses sharpening vision). It seems like there is a jolt of understanding and empathy towards her husband. It gave her insight and understanding towards him that she could not have accessed otherwise. She needed to see and understand what his life was life before moving to this point where she could be open to him. (Excerpt from Jan. 11, 2018) I grasped onto this image because I understood what this feeling was like. When I thought of the participants’ experiences of the world being foggy and uncertain, I thought of the relief and excitement of that came with finally being able to see and understand a blurry, confusing area of their lives. The crispness and vividness of the moment made it tangible and real, though there was no proof in that moment. The participants took a leap of faith and trusted the conviction they felt. With this conviction, there was peace and freedom to not have to worry, to not have to control. As I wrote the phenomenological text for this theme, more than any others, I was in awe of the participants’ faith and trust in God. Journeying on: Walking into a new day. My understanding of the significance and meaning of praying in therapy as enduring (not just in the moment) actually began in September 2017. At that time, I just moved from British Columbia back to Alberta. As I walked around the small town I live in (where there is little to obstruct the sky), I experienced the beautiful sunrise and sunsets. In these moments, I reflected on God’s provision in my life and in my participants’ lives. In the peace of the soft blues and pinks and the courage of the reds and yellows of the sky, I thought of the relief, beauty, and hope of a new day dawning. Throughout data analysis, I came back to this image as the participants’ in this research readily recounted the hope, the excitement, CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 157 and the energy that they left praying in therapy with. Instead of darkness, there was a feeling of both a long, bad day ending peacefully and the hope and promise of a new day dawning. With each participant, this metaphor and image gained more substance—their evocative descriptions helped me understand how sustaining praying can be. With that in mind, I, too, appreciated participants’ honesty about how praying did not fix everything for them. It reminded me that praying is part of journeying through life, not a way to get an easy fix. These women did not continue their journey on a perfect path; there were many difficulties and struggles to face. The Light, however, endured in Its own way with them. With resolve and energy, they courageously continued to move on, touched by all that had happened in that brief moment of their lives. Writing the Phenomenological Text Throughout data analysis, I worried about how writing the phenomenological text would go. Van Manen (2014) writes quite extensively about the process that researchers undertake when writing the text. Considering that data analysis was hard for me, I worried about whether I could reach his lofty, artistic style of writing when I consider myself pretty practical in both my writing and demeanour. In supervision, I was encouraged to write the phenomenological text with my own voice. I spent quite some time reflecting on what this meant for me. After I went through supervision I was thinking about what my voice is. It was kind of surprising for me to think of myself having a voice…. There is a difference between what I say and do with those who I am closest to and those who I am professional with. My BSc. kind of amplifies this distinction. I learned to write academically, professionally, polished—but not personally, and certainly not passionately. In some ways, I don’t feel like I have a very strong voice when I write. I don’t know how much of myself shines through the more personal writing I did in my MA. I don’t know what to expect. It sounds melodramatic in some ways, but I don’t know what to expect and there is some fear for me in that. I guess a big fear for me is that I don’t have a voice that is truly and authentically my own. I feel like I could lean heavily on my academic writing and come up with something nice, pleasant, and sterile to read or I could fall in the trap to be something I am not, overly artistic, dramatic. As I write this, I have no idea what my voice is. I, however, am left with the impression that I do have a voice that is uniquely my own. The trick, the challenge, the provoking part is to let that voice shine. I inwardly cringe as I write that and yet it is time. In writing I want to be more free CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 158 and open in a modality I feel safest in. I want to let go of worries about depth, insight and just let myself go. Writing has always been freeing for me, a place to get the words out that are locked away. Maybe the key here is to write as though no one will read what I have to say. I do that all the time. That’s what this journal is, isn’t it? I think that will be the best and only way for me to let the text flow in a voice that is original and who I am. If my text is not understandable, if it’s too over the top, it’s not me. I am practical, and yet at times creative. I am realistic, and yet also like to dream. I think the best text, my best and most real voice will marry those parts of who I am. (Excerpt from Feb. 10, 2018) After this journal entry, I worried less about my voice in writing. Indeed, I felt like I had the freedom to write in a way that was true to myself. There were no pressures to be overly scientific, nor overly artistic. Writing the phenomenological text certainly felt challenging at times – finding the right words and expressions evolved over time. Compared to the rest of my thesis, however, I enjoyed this part of the research process the most. I felt closest to the lived experience through writing. As the text increased in depth with each subsequent theme, I felt like I was touching participants’ experiences. While writing the text went quite smoothly, there were some themes that took time to deepen and flow, but with time and patience over the span of a couple of weeks, I had the first draft of my text. In this time, I reflected the least through writing in this part of my thesis. In the phenomenological text, my interpretations were out there—I no longer felt compelled to write separately as it all came together. When I started writing the phenomenological text, I tried to write it in the third person voice. For whatever reason, I could not get the text to sound right and flow this way. I decided to, then, write it with an inclusive “we”, though I have never experienced praying in therapy myself. Writing in the form of “we” really helped me connect with participants’ experiences and write in a very open and honest way. Instead of worrying how something sounded or if my words were too harsh, this voice allowed me to just write. After the first draft of the text, I took a week break where my supervisor gave me feedback. At this time, he asked why I used the inclusive voice. I knew it helped me write, but I no longer felt the text needed to be written that CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 159 way. I changed the voice over to third-person as I edited my second draft. Interestingly, parts of the phenomenological text that did not seem to flow as well as other parts (especially in the first and section) actually fit better with the third-person voice. Retrospectively, I think this was because these were parts of the experience that I, myself, could not identify with but knew to be an important part of the text. When I took myself out of the text, the voice, how the experience was conveyed, felt right to me in a way the inclusive voice did not. It was in this period of time that I also shifted the phenomenological text to mostly a pasttense voice. I laboured over this decision because it was a lot of work and I was really stuck on the fact that the phenomenological text should convey what the lived experience is like, and should, thus, be a present-tense voice. As I went through the second draft of the text (with the third person voice), however, it did not seem right to convey participants’ experiences in the present tense. It felt more accurate and true for the lived experience to be past-tense; after all, I was trying to capture the meaning of something that already past. I also knew that the participants were no longer in the same place (even if there was still struggle). The present-tense voice did not well represent or convey where they were now. For that reason, I switched the voice of the text over. The process of changing the voice of the text, too, allowed me to deepen and revisit areas that I was stuck on at other points. As I converted the voice, I made small changes which brought me to the final version of the text as it is in my thesis. Resonance. In order to ensure the phenomenological resonated with more people than myself, I sought feedback from others. My research supervisor was the first person who gave me feedback and helped me deepen the phenomenological text through the questions and insights he had. I sent the phenomenological text to two participants who indicated they wanted to read the findings of my thesis. I also asked the colleague who did the pilot interview with me for CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 160 feedback. Finally, I asked two people who had not experienced praying in therapy to read the text—one a colleague, the other a family member. While choosing a family member may seem like an odd decision, I knew this person would give me honest feedback; it also provided me the opportunity to have someone with no counselling experience read the text. From the participants, I received the feedback that my text resonated greatly with their experiences, with one minor exception. One participant reflected that a phrase I used did not resonate with her; for her, this phrase implicated that God was not involved in her life. She said that she knew God was there but did not know why He allowed such suffering. After considering this comment, I softened my language because I knew this to reflect other participants’ experiences. The one colleague who experienced praying in therapy indicated that some areas of the text resonated with her experience (particularly sections three and four). She said the sections that did not resonate with her related to her context of counselling and life experiences; she, however, felt as though she better understood the experience of praying in therapy for the participants in this research. Those who had not prayed in therapy indicated that phenomenological text helped them understand participants’ experiences, particularly the use of the metaphor of praying being part of the path to healing. I also incorporated minor language changes to strengthen my writing. Summary of Reflexivity Process In this chapter, I reflect on my reflexive process, which allowed me to adopt an attitude of openness throughout my thesis, as well as remain transparent in how I carried out this research. In the first half of this chapter, I detailed my inner-tensions and struggles with researching the lived experience of praying in therapy. Exploring these tensions helped me understand how and why I approached this topic with such trepidation. Reflecting about these struggles not only helped me to be more open about what praying in therapy could mean but also CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 161 helped me grow personally as I acknowledged and worked through shame surrounding my own spirituality. I also delineated the theological beliefs I held throughout this research. In the second half of this chapter, I shared more detailed information on how I carried out each part of this research; this includes excerpts that highlight my personal impressions, biases, understandings, and struggles. It was my hope that honestly sharing would not only allow readers to evaluate how I carried out this research, but also see how I was involved throughout. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 162 CHAPTER 6: DISCUSSION Through this thesis, I sought to explore, understand, and describe how Christian clients’ experience praying in therapy. It was my hope, too, that this research would illuminate a more holistic understanding of prayer for the field of psychology. In this chapter, I consider how the findings of this research fit with and inform theory and practice in psychology and counselling psychology. In order to do so, I will first review the purpose and findings of this research. I will then discuss how these findings fit with previous research and theory, explore new contributions, and examine the clinical implications that emerged from this research, including the ethics of praying in therapy. To conclude, I will delineate the strengths and limitations of this research and discuss future directions for research on praying within the fields of psychology and counselling psychology. Review of This Research The purpose of this research was to better understand how clients experience praying in therapy to inform clinical practice. For myself, this research developed from an inner-tension about explicitly incorporating religious and spiritual practices in therapy. On one hand, I knew that these practices and beliefs (including prayer) could add depth and meaning to therapy, moving beyond surface struggles and solutions. On the other hand, as a therapist in training, I felt as though there was something wrong or dangerous about this. As I delved into research in this area, I noticed that in-depth research was lacking on both prayer, generally, and clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. It is, thus, my hope that this research both expands on the current understanding of prayer within psychology and helps inform clinical practice. In this research, I explored Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy using van Manen’s (1990, 2014) hermeneutic phenomenological approach to research. I chose this CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 163 methodology because of its emphasis on understanding the meaning of lived experience. With so little research in this area, the openness of this methodology allowed me to explore a highly complex and mysterious part of human experience: prayer. I met with five Christian women who prayed with a registered mental health professional during a counselling session. As a brief review, Deanne shared two experiences of praying, one where her therapist prayed Psalm 23; the other, a joint prayer where both Deanne and her therapist prayed she would get well. Laurel’s therapist prayed for Jesus to come under and carry her burden. Jaclyn shared two experiences. The first was her therapist praying a structured opening prayer; she initially struggled with this prayer but began to appreciate it over time. The second was the process of writing out a forgiveness prayer. Lisa recalled how her therapist prayed for the struggles of both her and her friends. Finally, Ree experienced a visualization exercise, led by her therapist; she felt God was present with her in this, both as a support and guide. Eight themes emerged from this research. The first, getting out of the wilderness, explored how participants entered into therapy with immense struggle and suffering in their lives, including spiritual questions and doubts. Because of the hurt they endured, these women courageously sought support, both through their faith and from a mental health professional. Within this context, praying became part of therapy. The second theme, walking with you, elucidates how participants experienced their therapists while praying together—both a knowledgeable guide, touching on participants’ needs, said and unsaid, and a spiritual support, who walked and stayed with them in their struggles. Participants, too, discussed how praying deepened their bond with their therapist. The third theme, you’re doing your part, explores how significant each participant’s active engagement was to the prayer experience. From wreck to CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 164 refuge delineates how prayer was a calm space in these women’s lives, unlike much of their existence outside of therapy. The fifth theme, right here, describes how praying helped participants see and experience God during prayer. This was a hopeful experience, as participants understood God to be near and responsive, not distant and uncaring. I’ve got your back explicates how participants acknowledged their suffering and actively chose to give their hurt and pain to God. In doing so, they felt both relieved and reassured that they were not alone. Similarly, scales falling away, explores how participants came to a sudden moment of understanding through prayer; they all felt certain about this insight and embraced the freedom it gave them. Finally, journeying on, describes how praying influenced participants’ lives outside of therapy. This included: growing in faith and trust in God; changed relationships because of forgiveness; energy and excitement about prayer and its impact; thankfulness; and, finally, revisiting praying experiences. With this in mind, I now consider how these findings fit with past research in this area. Discussion of Findings Directly comparing the findings of this thesis with the existing research literature in psychology was challenging because of the differences in research methodologies used to understand and explore prayer. Because there is more quantitative research on spirituality and praying at this point, the instrumental purpose of both are often emphasized in the psychological literature. Similarly, research in counselling psychology has focused on therapists’ or clients’ perspectives on spirituality in therapy – seemingly to justify including spirituality or prayer in therapy – with few studies on actual experience. Research on experience is limited to therapists at this point. While both areas point to the potential value or utility of praying, in-depth research is needed to move beyond a shallow understanding of prayer. In this section, I explore similar CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 165 findings between this research and the existing literature. I then consider differences, specifically related to the use of prayer typologies emphasized in the quantitative literature. The majority of this section highlights the new contributions these findings offer. It is important to highlight that these findings, though different in form and structure, do originate from the context and the essential meanings of praying in therapy as explicated in Chapter 4. As a reminder, the purpose of the phenomenological text was to elucidate how praying in therapy was experienced by participants. The findings, presented below, instead highlight how specific aspects of participants’ experiences fit with the extant psychological literature and contribute to new findings and areas of exploration. Similar Findings There are many similarities between these findings and the literature on prayer in psychology and incorporating client spirituality into therapy. Desire for praying to be part of therapy. Like the many studies that indicate clients want to experience spirituality explicitly in therapy (Exline et al., 2000; Gockel, 2011; Morrison et al., 2009; Rose et al., 2008), participants readily shared about how they wanted their faith to be part of therapy. As a matter of fact, only one participant did not know whether spirituality and praying would be part of therapy before she started; this participant, however, was excited once she knew this would be the case. The rest of the participants all purposefully sought counselling with a Christian so faith could become part of therapy. Three participants did so because of negative experiences in secular counselling where they did not feel understood by a previous therapist. In accordance with Saenz and Waldo’s (2013) finding that people who are more religious and spiritual may want to pray in therapy, participants in this research shared about how their religious and spiritual beliefs were an integral part of their lives. Each participant gave CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 166 examples of how their faith was enacted and reflected on how important their relationship with God was. Taken together, this research supports that praying is desired in therapy by some clients, and those who purposefully seek out and positively experience praying in therapy may, overall, have positive relationship with God and take their faith seriously. Spirituality and prayer influencing well-being. Similar to previous research, participants spoke of how their spirituality, generally, and praying, specifically, positively influenced their ability to cope with stress (Ano & Vasconcelles, 2005) and general well-being (Jeppsen et al., 2015; Whittington & Scher, 2010). Deanne, for example, reflected on how praying was something that sustained and helped her feel secure both inside and outside of therapy. Jaclyn recounted how she needed to lean on God in her grief. Lisa discussed how praying helped her get outside of her anxiety. Ree shared how she was in constant conversation with God because she needed that support. Praying, thus, became a powerful way these women coped with the stresses in their lives both inside and outside of therapy. Changed expectations about prayer. After praying in therapy, three participants shared how their expectations of praying changed. Lisa, for example, talked about how praying with her therapist reminded her that God does listen and want to hear from her. Laurel, too, felt as though her prayers were listened and responded to from her experience. Deanne shared how the process of therapy and praying with others helped her reconcile why prayers in her personal life were seemingly not answered. In line with Krause and Hayward’s (2014) study on trust-based prayer beliefs and self-esteem, feeling close to God seemed to help participants trust that God listens and responds in a way best for them. In experiencing God to be near and involved, participants’ attitudes about praying changed from one of doubt to trust. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 167 Closeness to God through praying. Like previous research, these findings support that praying facilitates feeling close to God. Many authors in this area contend that a positive, conversational relationship – as in receptive prayers – strengthens how close one feels to God (Baesler, 2002; Jeppsen et al., 2015; Poloma & Pendleton, 1991; Whittington & Scher, 2010). Almost all participants in this study recounted how praying helped them feel like God was with them and cared for them, leading them to feel close to God inside and outside of therapy. Unlike the aforementioned research, however, this did not seem to depend on the type of prayer said. Both ritualized and intercessory prayer (in four experiences), too, helped participants feel close to God—these women spoke of feeling uplifted, reassured, and safe in the presence of God. It is important to note that previous research has focused on individual prayer experiences; it is possible that the interpersonal prayer experiences shared in this thesis led to a different outcome. Spirituality as essential to change in therapy. Both Gockel (2011) and Martinez et al. (2007) found that participants viewed the inclusion of their spirituality as essential to therapy and an integral part of the change process. Participants, too, in this study reflected on how both spirituality and praying were essential to their experience of therapy. For example, Deanne discussed how praying helped her feel comfortable in therapy and enriched the whole therapy process. Laurel recounted how her therapist’s prayer dramatically shifted the hopelessness she felt. Jaclyn commented how structured prayers helped her engage in therapy; because of the value of the prayers she learned about in therapy, she continues to pray in these ways today. Lisa reflected on how embracing spirituality in therapy, including praying, helped her get outside of her anxiety, which she believed was key to getting better. Finally, Ree emphatically spoke of how her therapist’s wisdom and insight in therapy, spiritually, emotionally, and through prayer CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 168 enhanced her therapy experience and helped her move towards healing. Praying and spirituality, thus, can be integral to healing in therapy. Differences While there were many similarities between the findings of this research with past studies on prayer, there are significant differences worth noting. Prayer type and depth of relationship with God. Jeppsen et al. (2015) suggested that some forms of prayer feed into psychological distress because they focus too much on problems and issues, not on a positive relationship with God. Petitionary prayer, especially, was singled out for being focused too much on inward needs. In early publications, Baesler (1999, 2002), too, speculated that receptive forms of prayer – which focus on God’s activity – were related to relational intimacy, which was not supported in his 2002 study (prayers of adoration, however, did correlate with relational intimacy). Three participants in this research shared vividly about how they experienced a close, nurturing relationship with God through praying. Notably, the participants in this research namely experienced intercessory and ritualized prayers, with only one experience (the visualization) fitting with the traditional conceptualization of receptive prayer. From these interviews, I, thus, wonder whether it is too simplistic to assume that only prayer types, as measured by simple questions, will influence complex outcomes measures, like closeness to God or well-being. The theologians Nouwen (1981) and Foster (2008) both write about the importance of being open and ready to pray. Our internal openness, readiness, or receptivity, to prayer – not just what we say and do – thus may influence how depth-filled, or intimate, praying feels. In the case of this research, it is notable that each participant was a strong Christian who wanted to pray in therapy and, thus, listened to and followed the prayer throughout. To me, it seems like the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 169 relational intimacy experienced was tied to participants’ openness and willingness to invite and listen to God in therapy by praying. What was said and done was certainly important, but seemed to be anchored by participants’ desire for the presence of God. One participant, especially, discussed how her internal engagement with the prayer entirely changed her experience. She recounted how she initially only focused on her dislike of structured prayers; when she embraced this prayer in therapy, however, her experience changed from one of selffocus to reflecting on her need for God. In both cases, the prayer was the exact same—the difference in her experience rested on her own engagement at that moment. Are typologies that simple? As I went through the interviews and wrote the phenomenological text, I was struck by the fact that these prayer experiences would not necessarily be easy to categorize into common prayer typologies. Deanne, for example, had her therapist pray Psalm 23 for her in a therapy session. Is this a ritualized prayer or an intercessory prayer or both? Ree shared about how she experienced God in her visualization, yet also described how she was actively engaged in that experience, allowing it to happen. Is this an active or receptive form of prayer? As Baesler et al. (2011) comment in the latest version of the Relational Prayer Model, multiple types and forms of praying may happen in one period of time. As I consider the interpersonal prayer context and how many types and forms of prayer there may be, I wonder how useful it is for research to focus so much on operationalizing prayer, so prayer, as a construct, can be correlated with other measures. How is it that researchers know they are getting a “pure” form of prayer as it is measured? Why are other factors rarely considered? Indeed, through this research, I continue to see prayer as a complex experience, not amenable to simple measures. For example, clients’ experiences of praying could not readily be separated from their relationship with God, nor their ongoing prayer life outside of therapy. If CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 170 prayer must be researched quantitatively, it is essential that contextual factors are somehow captured. While scales can be useful, convenient ways of studying prayer, they are inevitably reductionistic (Slife & Reber, 2012). Mixed-method designs or qualitative research may be able to move beyond these limitations and help researchers and practitioners understand prayer as relationally and contextually embedded. New Contributions As mentioned in the introduction to this thesis, the research on praying within psychology and counselling psychology is still in its infancy. There is, thus, much that can be learned about praying both from this research study and future research in this area. Below, I share some new contributions to the field made by this research. The tension between doubt and faith. Through the interviews and data analysis, I was struck by how faith, too, is a complex experience. As noted, research in this area tends to consider faith either by how it helps or hinders in coping with a variety of stressful situations (e.g., Bjorck & Thurman, 2007; Cooper et al., 2014; Harris et al., 2010; Pargament, 1997) or general well-being (e.g., Exline et al., 2000; Jeppsen et al., 2015; Whittington & Scher, 2010). In Exline et al.’s (2000) study, for example, religious guilt and doubt were positively correlated with depression and suicidality; the authors concluded that faith is not always positive and may, in certain circumstances, have negative ramifications. Indeed, in this research, many participants shared areas of doubt in their faith – where God was in their suffering, why prayers did not get answered – and guilt about not living up to religious beliefs and expectations set by others. Despite these difficulties, participants still spoke of their faith positively and wanted spirituality to be part of therapy. Faith, in this regard, was sometimes a place of tension—both positive and negative; difficult and sustaining; part of their hurt but also the solution. Instead of simply being CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 171 good or bad, positive or negative, these findings suggest that understanding faith is more complex and nuanced than portrayed by its constructs and correlation with outcome measures. For mental health practitioners, especially, it may be beneficial to explore clients’ faith, and not just to know whether it helps them cope. In times of suffering and hurt, it is unsurprising that clients may struggle to reconcile their beliefs with their life circumstances; therefore, the tension between faith and doubt may become a valuable area of exploration in therapy, as for participants in this research. Praying as an embodied experience. While some psychological research has alluded to the fact that praying can facilitate calm and focus (e.g., Harris et al., 2010), there is little research, within psychology, that refers to praying being a physical experience. Some research, however, has suggested that praying has positive physical outcomes in the moment (e.g., Kruse, 2012) and over time (e.g., Ai, Wink, & Shearer, 2012; Cooper et al., 2014), suggesting that praying is experienced within the body. As highlighted in the phenomenological text, praying did physically calm participants. Many participants reflected that they could breathe more deeply, sit straighter, and felt less tension in their core (shoulders, neck, chest) while praying. These results are consistent with the aforementioned findings. In this research, participants specifically ascribed this feeling to being able to sit back in prayer and because they knew God, who was safety and comfort, was there with them. Interestingly, the physical experience of praying was not limited to lack of tension and relaxation during the prayer experience. Participants, too, described praying as being linked to the body as they readied themselves to pray. While participants described different positions and postures, settling the body seemed to signal intentionally entering into the space of prayer. Participants, too, recounted the physical feeling of God being near them during the prayer. This CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 172 was not just a psychological phrase but actually sensing something in and around them (which they attributed to be God). These findings suggest that future research and theory should also encompass the physical dimensions of praying. Spiritual guidance within therapy. One of the most salient findings of this research was the richness and healing that developed from incorporating spirituality into therapy. While participants and I spoke mostly about praying in therapy, almost all participants also shared how conversations about God and faith were part of their counselling. Praying, thus, was not just a random practice incorporated into therapy, but was consistent with the focus of the rest of therapy. All participants shared, in one way or another, how they experienced therapy as a place where they were also guided and supported in their faith – through prayer, conversations, and therapeutic interventions. Instead of just being a mental health practitioner, most participants directly referred to their therapist as a spiritual support or mentor. These findings suggest that, in some cases, spiritual guidance (or direction or companionship) can be a valuable part of mental health therapy. For the purpose of this thesis, spiritual guidance is defined as the process of one person of faith helping another person of faith to see and acknowledge God in their life and learn how to communicate with God (Baesler, 2005; Moon, 2002). Ultimately, the purpose of spiritual guidance is to help people grow in their faith and relationship with God (Baesler, 2005; Kuchan, 2011; Moon, 2002). Broadly, a spiritual guide or companion may approach spiritual direction in many ways, including focusing on support, teaching, or transformation (Moon, 2002). Integrating spiritual direction with therapy is not a new idea, as many psychotherapists have considered if and how the two can come together (Moon, 2002, explicitly discusses areas of commonality and differences). For the sake of these research findings, it is important to highlight that praying, as part of therapy, can create or be a CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 173 part of a spiritual guidance relationships in counselling sessions. Through praying, a spiritual guide may become a channel or conduit to God for another person (Kuchan, 2011). In two of my interviews, especially, this came to the forefront as participants recounted how their therapist helped them see and experience God in a way they could not in their own prayer life. For therapists interested in how spirituality can be incorporated in therapy, this research points to the fact that, when desired, spiritual support and guidance can be an invaluable, rich part of therapy. What underlies praying and well-being? Within the literature on prayer in psychology, there is a lot of speculation on why prayer correlates to well-being. Many of the research findings, in this research, pointed to how and why praying was essential to healing and comfort in therapy. I share these findings below. Existing in the present moment. Throughout my interviews, almost all participants shared how praying allowed them to just be in the present moment. Jaclyn, for instance, talked about how praying helped her focus into the session. Deanne and Lisa recounted how in praying, they felt relaxed, far away from their worries and stresses. As I read through the interviews, I was struck by how the space of prayer was really one of living, fully immersed, at the moment. Instead of needing to plan or do, participants were able to engage as they were. Both the safety of praying and being able to sit back – not take charge – allowed this moment to be. Praying was a relieving experience; participants felt cared for by God and by their therapist, there were no expectations for them to be anything but themselves. This provided a stark contrast to the rest of their lives. The fact that praying provided a place of rest and relaxation is unsurprising considering that previous research has illuminated this (e.g., Cooper et al., 2014). As an expansion of this understanding, this research points to the fact that taking a more passive CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 174 position in prayer (as in following the prayer of someone else) can help create this moment of immersion and full participation—there is an opportunity to engage through listening. Prayer as a place of insight. In this research, all participants shared that praying in therapy helped them see or experience areas of their lives differently. While this may be an unsurprising finding for many people who pray, there has been no research, to my knowledge, that considers insight as an outcome of praying in the extant literature. Areas of insight typically happened within participants themselves: seeing family and friends differently (in both cases resulting from forgiveness), how to pray in a personal, vulnerable way, and seeing and experiencing their lives as hopeful. One participant, however, received insight through her therapist; in this case, the therapist felt called to share something with her client. Significantly, these moments of clarity were not small or insignificant to participants. Instead, they touched on something weighing them down; through this clarity, participants felt freed from a source of anxiety in their lives. Some participants ascribed the moment to Divine Intervention, while others commented that the guidance and modelling of their therapist opened them up to this moment. Regardless of how insight was obtained, this points to an interesting avenue for future research on praying, whether in therapy or generally. Prayer as letting go. All participants mentioned how praying allowed them to let go of stresses and worries that weighed on them. Praying, it seemed, was a powerful way for participants to acknowledge they could not carry all of their weight and responsibilities alone. Within therapy, mental health practitioners may also encourage their clients to let go of weights, stressors, and control. In the case of these research findings, however, this was not simply letting go, but actively turning to God in suffering and asking for help. Through giving their weights and worries to God, participants felt held, comforted, nurtured, and hopeful. These findings, CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 175 thus, suggest that praying may be a way in which control is relinquished—not just into an abyss, but to a loving God who cares. Notably, two participants forgave others during their prayer experience, which helped them let go of relational hurt tied to their presenting concerns entering into therapy. Both participants reflected on how this process helped them move through the suffering they endured at the hands of others. By forgiving, they were better able to understand the actions of their transgressors, value their own hurt and pain, and begin to let their hurt and anger go. Forgiving others during prayer seemed to let these participants move through and past stuck points in their lives. These findings are consistent with the research literature on forgiveness and how forgiveness can be used in therapy to help clients with anger and resentment (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015; Worthington & Sandage, 20165). There has also been empirical research that supports that praying can help with forgiveness. For example, both McMinn et al. (2008) and Vasiliauskas and McMinn (2013) found that praying forgiveness helped participants in their study to share their hurt openly with God, come to a place of empathy for their transgressor, and release pain and suffering to God. The findings of this research and in related areas, thus, suggest that forgiving others through prayer may be a unique way to help clients move through stuck points and relational hurt. Forgiving, through prayer, may help clients better understand their transgressors, actively acknowledge their own pain, and seek the support of God when they struggle to forgive by themselves. Praying, thus, may be a powerful moment of letting go and feeling held in the midst of suffering. 5 I direct readers to both of these books for a review of the vast literature on forgiveness, as well as on how forgiveness can be incorporated in therapy. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 176 Support from therapist. Participants in this research shared that praying not only facilitated a closer relationship with God but also with their therapist. This is consistent with Martinez et al.’s (2007) survey research where some participants (clients) indicated they enjoyed spiritual interventions in therapy because they felt closer to their therapist through them. An interesting parallel, in previous research, is that therapists, too, report feeling closer to clients when they pray with them (Miller & Chavier, 2013). Participants, in this research, reflected on namely on two areas of closeness with their therapist. In the first case, all participants shared that they felt understood by their therapist through praying together. Participants reflected on how their therapists were able to accurately voice their needs and vulnerabilities, said and unsaid, and guide them to a place they needed through praying. In doing so, participants felt truly known by their therapist—the person supporting them really understood them, empathized with them, and stayed with them through their struggles. While this was certainly an integral part of the prayer experience, it is, perhaps, unsurprising for a therapist to support their client this way. Praying, thus, was almost an extension of the support participants received through therapy. Perhaps more unique, all participants reflected on how their relationship with their therapist deepened through praying together. Three participants, for example, directly referred to their therapist as a brother or sister in Christ, emphasizing the relational closeness they felt with them. All participants shared how praying in therapy helped them feel supported by another Christian; their therapist not only helped them by interventions, listening, and advice, but also through praying. In these moments of prayer, the client-therapist relationship seemed to shift from one of instrumentality to unity—in prayer, they were together, members of a shared community. Interestingly, Ladd and McIntosh (2008) contend that support within religious communities is different from social support sought in other relationships. Through praying and CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 177 other practices, Ladd and McIntosh (2008) argue that religious communities, first, share a framework for understanding the world that is explicit. Support may be felt either by simply knowing another person understands what you believe or by having someone, with similar beliefs, help you understand your struggles within the faith context. Consistent with this, many participants reflected on how they felt comforted by the fact their therapist was also a Christian; participants perceived that their therapist understood their faith because of their shared beliefs. Participants, too, reflected that both praying and conversations in therapy helped them deepen their faith. Through these practices, participants were able to explore and reflect on their beliefs. Second, Ladd and McIntosh (2008) also purport that praying, and other spiritual practices, help members of a religious community seek support from God. Indeed, four participants recounted how praying together helped them acknowledge and see God in their lives, which was a powerful, needed experience for them. It should be noted that these findings are not just unique to the client-therapist relationship, as in therapy. In her 2013 article, Mahoney explores how praying within couples and families can help these units feel closer through drawing on religious beliefs and practices, such as remembering the sanctity of marital and familial bonds. With Mahoney (2013) and Ladd and McIntosh’s (2008) article in mind, there seems to be an opportunity for spiritual, as well as emotional and instrumental support, in relationships anchored by shared beliefs—as in moments of praying between Christian client and therapist. It is possible that this, too, exists in relationships where people have different religious and spiritual beliefs, though this warrants further study. Engagement as essential to prayer. Another salient finding of this research was the significance of engagement and participation in the experience of praying. As noted above, one CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 178 participant’s experience of a structured prayer entirely changed when she found a way to participate in praying that was authentic to her. In doing so, she was not preoccupied with her dislike of structure but instead experienced this prayer to be a meaningful way to settle into therapy. Two other participants, too, emphasized that they were very open about what was being said and done through their experience of praying. Most of the research on praying in psychology focuses on prayer types and attachment to God as factors correlated with outcome variables. Research in this area could, perhaps, be enhanced by considering the attitude or openness one brings to praying, regardless of how they pray. As mentioned above, theologians, including Foster (2008) and Nouwen (1981), write about how to settle into prayer and pray from a genuine place. When considering prayer in therapy, too, this highlights the importance and significance of understanding whether clients want to pray and how they experienced praying. The enduring influence of praying. Within psychology, there is a plethora of research on the impact of prayer on diverse outcome measures. To my knowledge, however, there has been no research on whether praying has enduring influence over time. In this study, participants discussed how praying in therapy continued to change and influence them in the span of days, months, and, in some cases, years after the original experience. All participants noted that their prayer experience strengthened their relationship with God at that moment and continually over time. Some participants, too, commented that what was said and done through their prayer in therapy extended into their lives, as they continued to forgive or pray in a similar way as in therapy. This research, thus, shows praying can have a strong, lasting enduring impact outside of the moment of prayer. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 179 Theoretical Implications As mentioned in my literature review, both the research on and theoretical understandings of praying within psychology are lacking. Adopting a theory for this research, thus, was a tenuous process as cognitive models seemed too reductionistic, focusing too much on intrapersonal processes. Attachment theory overcomes some of these limitations by focusing on the relationship between God and humans but does not account for factors outside of this relationship beyond other attachment figures. While relationship is emphasized in attachment theory, it is also important to point out that God is cited as a “representation”, which is not consistent with a monotheistic understanding of God as a reality (Slife & Reber, 2009). The Relational Prayer Model (Baesler et al., 2011) thus was used as the overarching theory to understand prayer in this thesis; this theoretical understanding of prayer, however, also has its own struggles and limitations. In this section, I will explore how the research findings in this thesis fit and do not fit with current theoretical understandings of prayer. Cognitive Models As a brief review, there are predominantly two cognitive models that seek to explain praying in therapy within psychology: religiousness/spirituality (R/Ss) and prayer as a mental schema and self-regulation (James & Wells, 2003; Maltby et al., 2008) and a meaning-making model (Park, 2005, 2007). I comment on both of these understandings in light of this research below. Prayer as a mental schema and a form of self-regulation. James and Wells (2003) purport that religious/spiritual beliefs (and in the case of Maltby et al.’s, 2008, application of this model, prayer) act as: (1) a mental schema, which influences how life situations are appraised; and (2) a self-regulatory system that attenuates focus, positively or negatively. In this research, CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 180 there was some support for this model. First, two participants shared about how they needed to reconcile their beliefs with their current life circumstances—how they understood their family and faith needed to change in times of conflict. Second, all participants discussed how praying opened them up to new understandings of their life circumstances, which reduced the stress and worry they experienced in their lives outside of therapy. With an understanding that God was with them and present (mental schema), the stress and worry they experienced in their lives lessened. Within the praying experience, all participants shared how praying helped them slow down, relax, and feel at peace. This supports the supposition that praying can act as a selfregulatory system through focusing on God in prayer; unlike Maltby et al.’s (2008) contention, this did not only occur within meditative forms of praying in this research. Meaning-making model. In applying a meaning-making model to coping, (Park, 2010; Park & Folkman, 1997), Park (2005, 2007) similarly contends that religion is a way people make sense of the world. Park et al. (2013) purport that religion helps people feel in control and offers a framework to understand life experiences, including suffering. As mentioned above, two participants shared about how they needed to reconcile their religious beliefs with their suffering. This is consistent with Park’s (2007) supposition that the global meaning system (religious beliefs) changes when it conflicts with the appraised meaning of life circumstances. For both of these participants, new understandings of themselves and their faith emerged as they prayed in therapy and explored faith inside and outside of therapy. All participants, too, reflected on how praying helped them find or see meaning in their life circumstances through praying. In reorienting to this meaning, participants felt more stable and reassured as they went back into their lives. This, too, fits with Park’s (2007) contention that beliefs help people find meaning, which then helps them cope with stressors. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 181 Limitations of these models. While some of the study findings fit well with the cognitive models described above, these models do not capture the meaning or significance of praying in therapy beyond cognitions. Viewing praying as a self-regulatory system, for example, really does not capture the depth and meaning that emerged from the relational closeness of praying. Though praying, in some sense, did help participants ‘attenuate’ their focus on God, the significance of this moment came not through thinking about God but experiencing a supportive network around them. Perhaps more problematic is simply viewing spirituality and praying as a mental schema, or a way to make sense of the world. While this captures one part of the participants’ experiences, it completely dismisses the fact that participants experienced their spirituality to be a reality – relationally and spirituality – not simply as a way they figure out their world. Park et al.’s (2013) supposition, too, that spirituality helps people feel in control of their lives is problematic. Participants readily espoused the significance of letting go of their own control and worries and giving them to God; it was in the letting go and acceptance of lack of control that they felt settled. That being said, the limitations of these models seems to develop from only understanding prayer as intrapersonal. In doing so, the Source of meaning and purpose is dismissed and lost, which loses the essence of what praying in therapy was to the participants in this research. Attachment Theory Many of the findings were consistent with Granqvist and Kirkpatrick’s (2016) understanding of God as a primary attachment figure, safe haven, and secure base. These similarities are explored below. Two differences are also noted. Similarities. Similar to Granqvist and Kirkpatrick’s (2016) supposition that God can act as a significant attachment figure, all participants shared about how God was an essential part of CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 182 their lives, inside and outside of therapy. Participants described God as caring, loving, and a support through hurt and suffering, even in the midst of not always understanding where God was in their life. Consistent, too, with Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016), many participants reflected on how praying was a way they sought closeness with God (or proximity to God). Three participants, for example, shared that they wanted God to be involved in therapy and, thus, sought therapy where they knew they could pray with their therapist. Within the experience of praying in therapy, four participants recounted how they felt the responsive presence of God in their lives; this is consistent with praying as a means people can access God. Interestingly, one participant did not mention experiencing God in her prayer experience (though did reflect on how she saw God in her life afterward). It is possible she did experience God and I did not ask about it. This would have been an important area of follow-up with this participant; as noted above, I was unable to reach her for a second interview. Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016) also contend that God, like other primary attachment figures, offers a safe haven, a place to get support and comfort in times of distress. These research findings support that praying was a place of security for participants because God was experienced as real and accessible. Two participants specifically described how praying helped them feel safe and calm within therapy as they ventured through difficult, painful areas of their lives. They specifically ascribed this calm to know that God was there to support them through their pain and suffering. Additionally, four participants said they experienced God as present and responsive in prayer. During the prayer experience, they felt held and protected by God— praying was a moment where they knew they were supported. This support not only led to calm and rest but was also transformative for many participants. Three participants recounted how they felt whole, and worthy of love and care through this encounter. These feelings provided a CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 183 stark contrast to the brokenness, guilt, and doubt they entered into therapy with. Being in a relationship with the One who loved them allowed these participants to experience themselves positively. Finally, in this application of attachment theory, God is also viewed as a secure base, wherein the security one feels with their attachment figure allows them to explore the world. Consistent with this supposition, one participant reflected on how praying helped her feel comfortable enough to venture into therapy when she was getting to know her therapist. She shared how through praying, she knew God was there and would keep her safe. With that safety, she engaged in therapy when she may have otherwise been hesitant. Also consistent with God as a secure base, many participants reflected on how hopeful they felt after praying. Through encountering God and knowing God was with them, participants felt as though they could continue through the darkness and difficulty of their lives outside of that moment. Differences. While these research findings are consistent with attachment theory in many ways, there are two differences worth noting. The first is that one participant, in particular, discussed how she experienced God to be distant and unresponsive entering into therapy. In their 2016 article, Granqvist and Kirkpatrick contend that God is the ultimate attachment figure and is omnipresent. With this participant, however, God was not always experienced as accessible. While these authors mention that people of faith may go through periods of not feeling God’s presence, they do not expand upon what this means for attachment. While God may be the ultimate place of security, it is, perhaps, possible that how we relate to God (evidenced in our attachment strategies) are not always positive, or indicative of a secure attachment (as indicated in Freeze & DiTammaso, 2014). Fruitful areas of future exploration may be how people develop alternative attachment strategies with God. Second, while CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 184 attachment theory offers a wonderful way of understanding participants’ experience of God in the prayer experience, God is theorized to be a representation by Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016). While this is a convenient, non-controversial stance to take within psychology, it is clear that God was an ontological reality for participants’ in this research. In this thesis, thus, it was important that theory honoured a theistic understanding of God, as well as accounted for other factors that influenced the prayer experience. A broader understanding of prayer, as in the Relational Prayer Model, was thus adopted for the primary theory of this thesis. Relational Prayer Model As noted in the literature review, I adopted the Relational Prayer Model (RPM; Baesler et al., 2011) as a framework to understand praying in this thesis. Though there are limitations with this model, I appreciated that praying moves beyond an instrumental practice in the RPM. Praying, instead, is understood as a way to communicate with God – a way to be close with God. Consistent with a theistic worldview, one of the main assumptions of the RPM is that God is a reality, not just a representation. The RPM, as developed and researched, has only been applied to individual prayer experiences – not interpersonal (as in this research), small group, or corporately. Applying the RPM to this thesis, thus, could not be direct. Below, I discuss how I understood interpersonal prayer, from clients’ experiences, within this model. Underlying assumptions and research findings. Undoubtedly, the research findings of this thesis fit well with the main assumptions of the RPM. As a reminder, the first assumption of the RPM is that in order to pray, one must be in a relationship with God. Indeed, all participants shared about the significance of God in their lives outside and inside of therapy; even when life circumstances were difficult and doubt arose, God was a real part of participants’ lives. The second assumption, praying has a purpose, too, fits with the research findings. Participants cited CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 185 many reasons why they prayed in therapy. These included comfort and reassurance, and inviting God to intervene and partake in therapy. The third assumption of the RPM is that praying may encompass diverse forms of communication. In this research, participants’ experiences reflected many forms of prayer, including acknowledging God through prayer, talking to God about needs, and experiencing God as present and active. Finally, communicating with God, like communicating with other people, leads to an outcome. Indeed, in this research, praying affected participants both in the moment and after the prayer experience. The only assumption not fully supported was the supposition that receptive prayers lead to a deeper, more intimate relationship with God. As discussed above, most of the prayer experiences shared by participants were either ritualized or intercessory. Experiencing God as present and real – and, thus, engaging in a close relationship with God – occurred in the other prayer types, not just the receptive prayer. The active prayers, too, served to enrich how close participants felt to God. In line with this assumption, however, is that praying certainly strengthened how close participants felt with God during the prayer experience and onwards. Relational Prayer Model and research findings. Baesler et al.’s (2011) article includes a summary of the RPM (Figure 1, p. 193), which is included below. Figure 5. The Relational Prayer Model as conceptualized by Baesler et al. (2011). CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 186 As shown, the RPM consists of three components: (1) factors that impact prayer life (e.g., age, gender, relationships); which then influences (2) prayer processes, wherein quantity and quality of prayer and life circumstances impacts the transition between active and receptive prayers; which then influences (3) prayer outcomes - physical, psychological, and spiritual. It should be noted that the RPM was developed to understand how individual prayer practices are developed. The purpose of this thesis was to understand the lived experience of praying in therapy, not the development of participants’ individual prayer lives. In its current conception, there is no space for experience within this model, unless subsumed under ‘outcome’ or ‘quality of prayer’. For my thesis, I understood the experience of praying in therapy to fit in the middle column of the RPM (‘prayer processes’ in the original). For my thesis, all columns in the RPM related only to participants, not their therapists. I discuss how this model fits with my thesis below. Prayer inputs. In line with Baesler’s hypothesis, there were many ‘inputs’ that influenced participants desire to pray in therapy. As mentioned, all participants were women; this is consistent with research in this area that shows women are more likely to pray in their lives and seek praying in therapy (Weld & Eriksen, 2007a). Two participants explained how experiences with spirituality in their family of origin related to the guilt they felt entering into therapy. Other supportive relationships, including with their therapist, however, seemed to mitigate this guilt. This is consistent with the supposition that relationships with others can influence an individual’s pray life (in the case of this thesis, the experience of praying). Unlike the RPM, no participants mentioned media sources influencing their desire to pray in therapy. While not included originally in the model, it is important to note that praying was very much an extension of participants’ individual prayer lives into therapy. Because praying was significant to participants already, they wanted to pray with their therapist; an additional input for the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 187 experience of praying in therapy is, thus, the quality of participants’ prayer lives. All participants also reflected that they believed that God was supportive and caring. Participants relationship with and view of God, therefore, is another important input to consider. Prayer processes vs. lived experience of praying in therapy. As mentioned, this research did not seek to explore how individual prayer practices were developed. When I applied the RPM to this research, I focused on the lived experience of praying in therapy instead of ‘prayer processes’ as the main part of the model. The phenomenological text captures the ‘quality’ or meaning of participants’ prayer experiences. While the focus of this thesis is on the lived experience of praying in therapy, participants’ experiences also encapsulated how they prayed. Almost all participants said they felt close to God while praying in therapy, even though only one experience was a receptive prayer, as traditionally conceptualized. This finding seems to contradict the assumption, within the RPM, that receptive prayers facilitate a closer relationship with God. While I did not find any research to support this supposition, I wonder if having another person guide and pray out loud (in this case, the therapist) facilitated a receptive experience for participants. During the prayer, participants did not need to think, say, or do; instead, they were involved in the prayer through listening and following. At this moment, I suspect participants tuned more into themselves and the atmosphere around them (the presence of God). Receptivity, conceived a bit differently, may have been facilitated by having another person guide prayer; this presumption, however, needs further study. Prayer outcomes. As mentioned, praying in therapy influenced participants’ lives outside of the therapy room. All participants discussed how they felt relaxed and at peace during the prayer; for many, this feeling extended outside of the moment (though never permanently). Many enduring psychological changes occurred as participants experienced themselves to be CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 188 more open and free from their burdens after praying. All participants, too, experienced enduring spiritual changes outside of therapy, including how they prayed, their expectations of prayer, and/or a strengthened and renewed relationship with God. Conclusion about RPM and findings. The RPM incorporates psychological (individual experience; mental well-being), sociological (impact of space and demographics), and interpersonal (as in communications theory) understandings of prayer, giving a more holistic picture of prayer than current psychological theories. While the RPM needed to be adjusted to fit with the purpose of this research, many of the findings fit well with the model as hypothesized. Certain ‘inputs’ influenced clients desire to pray in therapy. The lived experience of praying in therapy led to many ‘outcomes’ or changes in participants’ lives outside of the moment of prayer. The assumptions of the RPM, too, were mostly consistent with participants’ experiences. One adjustment I made was to focus on the lived meaning of praying in therapy, instead of prayer development, in accordance with the focus of this thesis. With that in mind, I developed a tentative framework, based on the RPM, for the experience of praying in therapy. An alternative framework for prayer. As noted above, the RPM could not be applied directly to this research because of its emphasis on individual prayer development. I, thus, created a framework that better fits with the findings of this thesis. Within this framework, I retained the inputs, outcomes, and theoretical assumptions of the RPM, which were reflected in the findings of this research as delineated above. Like Baesler’s application of communications theory to prayer (Baesler 1997, 1999), prayer is still seen as a form of communication, which can strengthen how close humans feel with God. As noted, the first change I made was to focus on the lived experience of praying in therapy, instead of prayer development. In the framework I developed, the experience of prayer is the main focus. Second, I wanted this framework to CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 189 depict the experience of praying in therapy as contextually embedded. In the RPM, contextual factors are separated from the ‘quality’ of prayer. With participants’ interviews in mind, it seemed more accurate to represent the lived experience as occurring within participants’ context; these factors were not separate entities but shaped participants’ experiences of praying in the moment. Finally, it was also important for me to represent that the outcomes of prayer influenced participants’ lives (contextual factors), which was not depicted in the RPM. Relational: • Closeness with therapist •Felt closeness with God •Trust in God •Significance to life • Self as worthy of love & care • Sense of meaning • Letting go of hurt • Hope for future • Calm/ rest (short term) •Quality of prayer life •Religious beliefs (e.g., theology & doctrine) important to lives Relationship with God: Psychological: Physical: Religion/spirituality: Experience of praying: • Dimensions of praying: physical, cognitive, emotional, spiritual, relational • What was said and done • Who prayed • Openness/ desire to pray in moment Mental health: •Desire to pray amidst struggle Context: •Quality of relationship with therapist •Spirituality part of therapy •Similarity between therapist and client beliefs Spiritual: • Strengthened trust • Energy/ vitality in spiritual practices • Closeness with God Figure 6. A holistic framework to understand prayer. The orange inner-circle depicts the immediate experience of praying. The outer-blue squares reflect the many contextual factors that may influence how praying is experienced. The purple boxes show outcomes of praying, whether short- or long-term. The outcomes may also influence contextual factors, evidenced by the bidirectional arrows. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 190 Below, I seek to tie how the findings of this thesis, as explicated in Chapter 4 and 6 are tied to the aforementioned framework. Themes two through seven are encapsulated within experiences of praying (orange circle), while theme one contributes to the context (blue outer circle) and theme eight to the outcome (purple box). Experience of praying. The centre of this model (depicted by the orange circle), and my exploration in this thesis, was the lived experience of praying in therapy. As shown, the lived experience encapsulated what was happening within participants during the experience, what was said and done, as well as participants’ internal openness or receptivity to pray. Praying, as described by participants, illuminated that praying was a multidimensional experience, touching them somatically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually in the moment. These dimensions of praying are illuminated in the phenomenological text, specifically in themes two through seven. The theme, encountering God, for example, highlights how participants experienced God to be physically close (somatic and spiritual), which comforted and reassured participants (emotional) and allowed them to see themselves as worthy of care (cognitive) during the prayer experience. In themes two through seven, each dimension exists to varying degrees. These dimensions, too, were reflected in the key findings of this chapter, including: closeness to therapist (relational), praying as a place of rest (physical), praying as a place of letting go (emotional), insight from prayer (cognitive), and experiencing closeness with God (spiritual). As discussed in the review of findings above, conceptualizing prayer as a mental schema, a way to access God, or a coping technique is far too simplistic. Instead, prayer touches multiple aspects of our existence. Second, the lived experience of praying in therapy also encompassed what was said and done in the moment of prayer and who prayed (in all cases, therapist-guided). The details of praying were highlighted at the beginning of Chapter 4. As reflected in the phenomenological CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 191 text, participants were touched that their therapist was praying for them in that moment and by how they brought clarity and perspective in the way that they prayed. The significance of therapist-led prayer was especially illuminated in walking with you and scales falling away. Finally, the lived experience also encompassed participants’ openness and desire to engage in praying. As illuminated by you’re doing your part, and further discussed in this chapter, receptivity or openness to prayer was an essential aspect of participants’ experiences of praying. It was thus important to highlight this openness in this framework. Contextual factors. There are many contextual factors that seemed to influence participants’ lived experience of praying, which are depicted by the blue outer circles in the framework above. Contextual information shared at the beginning of Chapter 4 and within the theme, getting out of the wilderness, became the contextual factors delineated in this framework. Through my interviews, participants indicated that they prayed daily in their own lives (religion/spirituality), overall experienced God positively (relationship with God) even when they did not know what God was doing in their lives, and had a positive relationship with their therapist and perceived their therapist to share a similar religious framework to them (therapeutic context). Mental health was included because many participants related how their struggles prompted them to consider the bigger picture in therapy – their faith (also reflected in Exline et al., 2000). Outcomes. Consistent with Baesler et al.’s (2011) RPM, this framework depicts physical, spiritual, and psychological outcomes, over the short- and long-term (purple boxes). This is specifically expanded upon in the final theme of the phenomenological text, journeying on. As noted in my discussion of the findings, praying in therapy affected participants in many ways, including physical relaxation after praying, changed beliefs about themselves, higher CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 192 expectations of prayer, a renewed trust in God, energy in their faith, and hope for their future. I added relational outcomes to this framework because praying influenced how close participants felt with their therapist. With participants’ experiences occurring in an interpersonal context, this illustrates how relationships between people, not just God, may be strengthened through praying together. With that in mind, the relational and spiritual outcomes certainly overlap, as participants spoke of the meaning of being supported by another Christian in prayer, in addition to feeling heard and understood. Instead of just being an outcome, participants, too, reflected that the effects of praying changed contextual factors, such as their trust in God and how they prayed in their daily lives. The outcomes, thus, were not just a final part of participants’ experiences but changed many aspects of their lives. Future directions for theory. Above, I presented a framework, based on the RPM, which better depicts how praying in therapy was experienced by participants in this study. In this framework, I retained the assumptions of the RPM; I did not add any additional theory to this framework. This thesis did not seek to build theory (as in a grounded theory study), nor did I garner enough information to build a theory. Instead, I chose to develop a framework, in order to fully represent and summarize what was learned about the experience of praying from this thesis. In current psychological theory and research, there are many dimensions of praying (particularly spiritual and relational) that are not adequately represented because they are not convenient or easy to measure. In this study, the relational and spiritual dimensions were integral to participants’ experiences. Based on what participants shared, the positive outcomes of prayer seemed to originate from feeling supported, cared for, and loved both by their therapist, a member of their faith, and God— both forms of spiritual and relational support. While there is little research on these dimensions, specifically, they have been speculated to relate to well-being CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 193 by some authors in psychology. Granqvist and Kirkpatrick (2016), for example, point out that God can be an attachment figure, a safe haven, and secure base. Ladd and McIntosh (2008) contend that spiritual support transcends just emotional or mental support, which was reflected in this research. With all of this in mind, more research is needed to further explore the significance of relational and spiritual dimensions of praying. Ultimately, it is my hope that this framework opens up researchers to a more holistic understanding of prayer, and practitioners to the many factors they may want to consider before praying with clients. Clinical Implications As a researcher-practitioner, it is important for me to delineate the clinical implications brought forth by the research findings of my thesis. Indeed, this thesis, for me, has always been rooted in whether and how spirituality can be explicitly incorporated into therapy. The first three implications focus upon research findings that were predominant through the lived meanings of praying in therapy. The last implication, ethical considerations, weaves ethical principles, discussed in the research literature, with the findings from this thesis. In line with van Manen (1990, 2014), it is my hope these implications promote thoughtfulness and tact as mental health professionals consider the role of praying in therapy. Client Spirituality as a Holistic Approach to Therapy With the advent of multicultural counselling in the 1980s, there was renewed interest in understanding and respecting client diversity in therapy, which continues on today (Richards & Bergin, 2005). This includes understanding how many factors, including race, sexual orientation, cultural background, and religion may relate to clients’ struggles and strengths entering into therapy. Participants, in this research, readily shared how incorporating their spirituality into therapy – through conversations about faith, interventions, and praying – was a CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 194 meaningful, essential part of engaging in therapy and facilitated healing. As mentioned, the four participants who experienced secular counselling contrasted their experiences in therapy with little prompting to do so. Participants described many reasons why incorporating faith in therapy was significant to them; this included therapy: (1) aligning with their worldview – less “me” focused, looking beyond themselves for answers and support; (2) touching on essential aspects of themselves – they felt fully understood by their therapist; and (3) providing continuity with their lives outside of therapy. Therapists explicitly acknowledging and exploring spirituality in therapy, thus, was a way participants felt that their beliefs were understood and respected. Within the literature on praying in therapy, there is some contention over whether it is ethical to pray with clients because of its potential risks (Richards & Bergin, 1997). Consistent with research in this area (Saenz & Waldo, 2013; Weld & Eriksen, 2007a), however, these research findings support that some clients do want to pray in therapy. As a matter of fact, three participants in this research purposefully sought therapists who they knew would pray with them. While the other two participants did not know what to expect, they said they were very happy when praying became part of their sessions. Similar to the reasons mentioned above, participants said they wanted and appreciated praying as part of therapy because: (1) it brought continuity into therapy – participants prayed outside of the therapy room because it was part of their lives; (2) praying brought them outside of their hurt and suffering as they looked to God for support and comfort; and (3) praying was a form of spiritual support, both from their therapist and God. For all participants, praying in therapy contributed to the meaning and value of counselling as a whole, with many participants describing how praying could not be separated from the process of therapy, itself. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 195 Taken together, these research findings support that client spirituality and religious beliefs should, at the very least, be acknowledged and discussed in therapy. Doing so provides clients with an opportunity to explore how their faith relates to their presenting concerns and potential avenues of healing. Considering, too, that both the Canadian Psychological Association (2017) and Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association (2007) Code of Ethics delineate the importance understanding and respecting client diversity, it is important that, minimally, mental health professionals ask about significant areas of clients’ lives, including religious and spiritual beliefs and practices. In the right circumstances, explicitly incorporating spirituality in therapy (as in praying) may be an enriching, meaningful experience for clients, as they explore and learn more about themselves and their faith. Praying as an Authentic Encounter One of the most predominant findings in this research is how participants encountered their therapist and God through praying. Incorporating faith, both through conversations and praying, was a way that participants felt comfortable and close with their therapist. Four participants, especially, shared how they felt a deeper connection with their therapist, using words such as “brother and sister in Christ” to describe their relationship. While this relationship could confuse some clients (Gubi, 2009), this was not the case in this research. All participants shared that they valued their deepened relationship, but still understood their therapist to be their therapist. Overall, participants experienced their therapist as someone who legitimately cared about them and who they cared about as well. Praying, too, was a powerful moment where participants felt truly known and understood by their therapist. Through praying, therapists conveyed an understanding of their clients’ needs and vulnerabilities, acceptance of their struggle, and care as they brought these needs to God. Many participants commented on how CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 196 this made them feel loved and worthwhile. Interestingly, these findings parallel therapists’ experiences of feeling strongly connected to their clients in prayer (Miller & Chavier, 2013). Praying in therapy, thus, may offer clients and therapists a moment of meaningful encounter as they shared a scared space with one another. The potential therapeutic benefits of this, for clients, should not be underemphasized as the client-therapist relationship can be a meaningful avenue for both exploration and change in therapy (Lambert & Barley, 2002). Second, participants in this research shared about the meaning of acknowledging and encountering God through praying in therapy. Many participants reflected that knowing God was with them led them to feel cared for, responded to, held, and uplifted. While this may not sound too significant in these words, it alludes to the safety and comfort the presence of God offered. For the participants in this research, this provided a stark contrast to the loneliness, insecurity, and darkness they experienced in their daily lives. Many participants readily exclaimed how this moment sustained them in their moving forward and strengthened and renewed their faith. For many of the participants, praying allowed them to experience something they needed but could not necessarily get to on their own. The guidance and wisdom of their therapist, and participants’ freedom to sit back, seemed essential for this experience to happen. Through praying, participants were able to experience the comfort and security of God’s presence, which endured as they left the experience. The Paradox of Letting Go and Healing As discussed above, praying in therapy led to enduring changes in participants’ lives, especially related to growth in their own faith. Significantly, participants, too, reflected on how praying was very much a part of getting well through therapy. This, however, was not by their own means or actions but by realizing how much they needed God in their lives. Unlike Park’s CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 197 (2005, 2007) contention that faith gives people more control over their lives, praying was actually a way in which participants acknowledged their own limitations and looked to God. Many participants described feeling humbled, yet grounded in the moment of praying because they no longer wanted to rely on themselves. Three participants, especially, shared how praying with their therapist was an incredible way to let go (either through forgiveness or petitioning) of their weights, struggles, and responsibilities. Paradoxically, in this moment of letting go, fully giving their struggles to God, participants experienced freedom from their worries, hope that God was with them, and healing through painful chapters of their lives closing. Praying in therapy offered a tangible, supported moment for these participants to let go and look to God. Clinically, this points to the fact that meaningful healing and support do not always come through emotional exploration or interventions, but by turning towards and trusting something bigger than ourselves. Ethical Considerations One of the major concerns brought forth about praying in therapy is the potential of harm that may arise (Gubi, 2009; Richards & Bergin, 1997). As explicated in these findings, however, praying may also be beneficial and meaningful for certain clients. Gubi (2008), too, argues that praying with clients can be ethical and meaningful if done with reflexivity and care—just like mental health interventions used in therapy. Below, I explore some of the ethical concerns, specifically, related to praying, with consideration of the findings in this research. Imposing values and beliefs onto clients. One ethical concern brought forth in the literature on praying in therapy is whether therapists will impose their own prayer beliefs and practices onto clients, even if not intended (Gubi, 2009; Richards & Bergin, 1997; Tjeltveit, 2012; Weld & Eriksen, 2007b). In the case of this research, all participants indicated that CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 198 praying was a place where they felt heard and understood, even if praying in a new way. One participant voiced that she did not, initially, like the structured form of prayer her therapist started sessions with. After praying it a few times, she, however, said she learned to appreciate what the structured prayer offered her and even went onto to develop structured prayers for herself outside of therapy. It is possible that another client may have viewed this as imposing a prayer type onto them, but this was not the case for this participant. Overall, clients felt that their diversity and prayer practices were respected through praying in therapy. Developing dual relationships. Another concern brought forth in this literature is that client who pray with their therapist will begin to see their therapist as a spiritual authority (Richards & Bergin, 1997, 2005; Weld & Eriksen, 2007b) and follow their therapists’ religious and spiritual beliefs. Interestingly, four participants explicitly discussed how therapy helped change, form, or develop their spiritual beliefs (three participants with prayer, specifically). Instead of seeing their therapist as an authority, however, participants very much experienced their therapist as someone attuned to them and supportive of their faith. While dual relationships could certainly be an issue in some therapy relationships, it was not voiced as an issue or concern in any of these participants. Gubi (2009) also indicated that praying in therapy may also create blurred client-therapist boundaries. As discussed above, participants, in this research, reflected on the closeness and connection they felt with their therapist; this, however, was experienced positively. For some clients a more intimate therapeutic relationship may be harmful (Gubi, 2009); for these participants, however, this relationship was experienced to be caring, affirming, and part of their healing. Informed consent process. Asking clients whether they want to pray in therapy is an important part of ensuring they are involved in making decisions in therapy. Not including CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 199 clients in the decision to pray disregards the significance of client input into the therapy process (Walker & Moon, 2011; Weld & Eriksen, 2007b). Though not talked about extensively in the interviews, participants shared a bit about how praying in therapy came to be. One participant initiated praying herself, and her therapist agreed to pray for her; this was a few months into therapy when they had already built a strong rapport. Two participants shared their therapist asked if they could pray at the end of the therapy session; both readily agreed. One participant (the visualization experience) went through a verbal Informed Consent process. Only one participant voiced that their therapist did not ask about praying but simply started their first session that way. While this may not have turned out well with some clients, this participant said she specifically sought this therapist because she prayed with clients and fully expected they would pray together when they began the session. In most cases in this research, therefore, there is an indication that therapists asked and talked with clients about praying together. Competence. One of the most common concerns about praying with clients is whether therapists have the competency to do so because most therapists do not receive training in this area (Richards & Bergin, 1997; Walker & Moon, 2011). In terms of all of the ethical concerns, this is the most difficult to comment on, in light of this research, because I only asked participants for their therapists’ designation. From the interviews, I know that three participants in this study saw therapists who had additional training in theology and/or pastoral care. I cannot, however, comment on the other two therapists. From the experiences shared with me, it seems as though participants experienced their therapist to be a trustworthy, knowledgeable guide. Beyond that, I cannot comment on competency. Determining benefit or harm of praying. Finally, an important part of considering praying with clients is considering whether praying will be beneficial or harmful (Tjeltveit, 2012; CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 200 Weld & Eriksen, 2007b). While I cannot speak to if and how therapists thought about this before praying with clients, I can comment on certain factors (supported by literature in this area) that may have related to participants experiencing praying in therapy positively. For participants in this research, these include: (1) similar religious background between client and therapist – as perceived by participants (Koenig & Pritchett, 1998); (2) faith and praying being an important part of clients’ lives (Koenig & Pritchett, 1998; Walker & Moon, 2011); (3) a desire to pray in therapy and positive reaction to being asked about praying in therapy (Magaletta & Brawer, 1998; Tjeltveit, 2012); (4) a positive therapeutic relationship before praying – four participants shared they trusted and/or liked their therapist before prayer (Magaletta & Brawer, 1998); (5) praying that is client-centred – focused on their needs, not therapist agenda (Weld & Eriksen, 2007b); (6) no experience of psychotic delusions or obsessions entering into therapy (Richards & Bergin, 2005; Walker & Moon, 2011); and (7) no clients with personality disorders (to my knowledge) where the relational intimacy of praying may have been experienced as confusing (Gubi, 2009; Richards & Bergin, 2005). Conclusion. While praying in therapy is not appropriate for all clients or circumstances, the participants in this research experienced praying to be both beneficial and meaningful. Praying, thus, may be both ethical and positively contribute to therapy if done with care. Strengths and Limitations As with all research, there are many strengths and limitations worth noting in this thesis; these are further explored below. In discussing the strengths and limitations, I consider each in relation to the general literature and then how this research was carried out. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 201 Strengths First and foremost, using a qualitative research methodology enabled a more in-depth understanding of praying, alone and in therapy, than the predominant quantitative and surveybased research in psychology. With the dearth of research in this area, interviewing participants about the lived experience of praying in therapy opened up many new areas of understanding, including how a relationship with God and others is experienced during prayer. Instead of focusing on either what prayer is (prayer typologies) or what prayer does (instrumental purpose of prayer), the openness of hermeneutic phenomenology allowed me to understand and explicate the meaning and significance of praying for participants. In doing so, the emotional and spiritual aspects of praying, often left out of quantitative research, were illuminated. The research methodology, too, helped me deepen and explore ‘constructs’ mentioned in quantitative research (such as hope, feeling close to God). Instead of simply checking off a response, I was able to deepen why praying was meaningful on many levels for participants. Finally, the findings from this research may also help inform the practice of mental health therapists who are interested in praying with clients. In accordance with van Manen (2014), the research findings from this thesis do not tell therapists how to pray with clients, but more so illustrate the intricacies and potential meanings of praying. It is my hope that the research findings, through the phenomenological text and as delineated in this chapter, helps promotes thoughtfulness and tact within therapists as they consider whether and how to pray with their clients. In his 2014 book, van Manen comments on markers of ‘good’ phenomenological research, which are present in this study. It is, first, crucial that phenomenological research is guided by a proper phenomenological question. At the end of my literature review, I shared the succinct, research question that guided my thesis. Notably, this question focused only on the CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 202 lived experience of praying. While interviewing participants, this question reminded me to stay focused on their experiences. During thematic analysis, I wrote this question out many times, which helped me write a phenomenological text focused on the lived experience. Having a proper phenomenological question, thus, helped me stay oriented to the lived experience of praying in therapy throughout my thesis. Second, as van Manen (2014) emphasizes, I only analyzed phenomenological content during data analysis, avoiding the temptation to engage theoretical understandings or interpretations of prayer based only on my own experiences. This, too, helped to ensure that the phenomenological text was a written description of the lived experience of praying in therapy. Third, also in line with van Manen (2014), I was very open about my research process. I carefully and thoroughly documented my biases and preunderstandings (as part of the epoché) and how I carried out the research so it could be evaluated by others. Finally, I think it is important to note that I spent considerable time and effort to cultivate depth and insight in the phenomenological text. This was done through immersing myself fully in each of the interview texts, following-up with three participants, and asking for feedback on the phenomenological text. All of these endeavours helped me write a text that was clear and evocative, and resonated with participants’ experiences. Limitations With the strengths of this study in mind, I also want to highlight some of the limitations. Originally, I hoped to recruit 6-8 participants. Because of difficulty recruiting and time constraints, I settled on five participants, and three follow-up interviews. Having an additional few participants may have elucidated other dimensions of praying in therapy or deepened this existing themes in this study. Second, while diverse prayer experiences were shared, most participants recounted both salient and positive experiences and all participants recalled CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 203 experiences where they did not lead the prayer. It is possible that different meanings of praying in therapy may have emerged with more diversity in the experiences shared. Indeed, some research (e.g., Saenz & Waldo, 2013) points to the fact that praying may not always be experienced positively and this may actually taint how counselling is experienced. The sample, itself, was all female, Euro-Canadian, and Caucasian. Future research could benefit from a more diverse sample. Only Christian participants were recruited for this study to increase depth in my analysis. Including participants from other faith traditions may have increased the breadth of understanding developed from this study; future research, thus, may seek to explore how praying is experienced in other religious traditions. One of the most predominant struggles I had throughout this thesis was the phenomenological interview. The first two interviews, especially, were challenging for me as I worried about how I was doing, which often took my focus away from the phenomenological content. For myself, I think another pilot interview, with someone I did not know, would have helped me be more comfortable for my first interview – especially in terms of knowing what should be deepened and how to deepen the phenomenological content. Furthermore, transcribing my pilot and first interview fully (not just parts) would have helped me to learn how I could improve my interviewing skills more quickly than I did. Fortunately, I was able to do follow-up interviews with three participants, which allowed me to deepen my understanding of many areas. It is also worth noting that one interview (second interview: participant was distracted, evidenced by checking her phone) could have certainly been stronger. In retrospect, it would have been beneficial to check-in about her phone-use during the interview to keep the interview more focused. While I was fortunate to get detailed lived experience descriptions from her, I believe that more depth could have been reached had we both been more focused. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 204 Areas of Future Research There are many avenues and areas of research that can be explored in the future. Based on my research findings, I am interested how the meaning of praying in therapy may change or be different with: (1) male participants; (2) negative experience of praying; (3) client-led praying in therapy; and (4) praying between client and therapists of different faiths and ethnicities. While it is common for research in this area to be female-dominated, males, too, may pray with their therapists; future research, thus, may benefit from purposefully seeking out this population. Because many of the meanings, in this research, related strongly to praying being both positive and led by a therapist of similar faith, more qualitative research on different prayer experiences would certainly expand up the findings in this study and increase the current understanding of praying in therapy that now exists. One of the findings highlighted in this chapter was how significant a posture of openness and willingness was to participants’ lived experience of praying in therapy. With this openness, participants seemed to engage in the prayer through following and listening. Doing so, in some sense, seemed to facilitate a receptive experience, as participants could partake in the prayer as they existed in the moment. To my knowledge, there has been no research on how one’s posture/attitude towards prayer impacts their experience of prayer. Similarly, I found no psychological research on whether a receptive experience can be facilitated through listening and following in prayer – not leading. These would be interesting avenues of research for the future; both would better help understand how praying is experienced. One of the most revealing aspects of this research, for me, was that praying cannot simply be understood and conceptualized as a way to cope. Religious and spiritual experience, thus, should not simply be viewed as a convenient tool or easy technique, but as an essential part CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 205 of human experience (Pargament et al., 2005; Pargament et al., 2013; Richards & Bergin, 2005). Reflecting the complexity of religious and spiritual experience, praying in therapy was shown to have cognitive, emotional, relational, and spiritual dimensions. Significantly, the relational and spiritual dimensions, especially, could not be separated from participants’ lived experience of being with God in that moment. As noted in the literature review, Slife and Reber (2009) contend that research and theory within psychology has focused on being ‘neutral’. As such, research studies focus on the effects of religion and spirituality, while missing the fact that religion and spirituality – God – are experienced as an ontological reality, not just an elaborate schema. Future research on religious and spiritual experiences, whether in therapy or generally, should, thus, aim to be more holistic. This means seeking theories that are more accurate to the theistic religions (which are predominantly researched) in its focus and explanations. In my opinion, a more in-depth understanding of prayer can be garnered through qualitative research methodologies and mixed-methods designs, where there is more opportunity to ask about experience—not just numbers that may or may not represent a phenomenon. Because there are few theoretical understanding of praying within psychology, especially, more nuanced research may help build theory about praying that is holistic. A grounded theory study, for example, may create a theoretical understanding of praying that encompasses cognitive, emotional, relational, and spiritual dimensions. In his 2012 review article, Baesler notes how research on prayer has been done in diverse fields – predominantly communications, psychology, sociology, and medicine – though these areas have not been well integrated. Including an understanding of praying, too, outside of these fields (such as theology) may also help research in this area move beyond simply the predominant coping understanding of prayer within psychology. As Baesler (2012), I would be interested whether prayer theory could encompass CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 206 micro (impact/ experience of praying in individual), middle (relational experiences), and macro (public and social) aspects of praying. Above, I presented a framework, based upon the RPM, that fits with this possibility. Perhaps with future research and theoretical exploration of praying, a holistic, comprehensive theory of prayer will be developed within psychology. Conclusion Is it ‘right’ to pray in therapy? Like many therapists and researchers, I have wondered about whether religious and spiritual beliefs and practices should be part of therapy. It is easy to approach such a topic with trepidation and hesitation, worrying about how I would justify it and what others would think. In this worry, I ironically focus upon myself, not the clients who this would impact. Interestingly, I see a parallel between my own justifications and worry with much of the research on prayer and praying in therapy within psychology. In this literature, ethical conundrums and rules, therapists’ thoughts and perspectives, and what prayer does tend to be focused on. While previous research has certainly contributed to how prayer is understood within psychology, the essence, the depth of religious and spiritual beliefs and practices are lost when research is limited to quantitative, cross-sectional studies. As researchers and practitioners, we seem to easily move away from the Sacred, the ineffable – what we cannot easily explain or theorize. Because past research has paved the way, there is the opportunity to explore and understand what cannot be easily summarized with statistics and instrumentality about religious and spiritual phenomena. Instead of focusing so much on whether clients want to pray or correlations, we can move to understand these phenomena more holistically. Indeed, with more mixed-methods and qualitative research developing in this area, it seems as though research within psychology and counselling psychology is beginning to explore religious and spiritual phenomena holistically. It is my hope that this thesis contributes to this CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 207 area of research, and consequently counselling practice. For this research, I used van Manen’s (1990, 2014) hermeneutic phenomenology to understand Christian clients’ lived experience of praying in therapy. I interviewed five women who shared rich descriptions of what praying in therapy was like for them. Through dialoging with these women, immersing myself in data analysis, and writing the phenomenological text, lived meanings of praying in therapy emerged. These findings both supported existing research and brought to light new understandings of praying. Notably, praying was found to influence how one feels in the moment (calm, at peace) and in the moving forward. Yes, praying seems to move or do something within: it does have an instrumental edge. Yet, praying is also about so much more. In this research, praying was part of participants’ path to healing from fragmentation to wholeness; from despair to hope; from darkness to light. While the stance these women took towards prayer influenced their experience, the meaning of praying did not come from themselves. The crux of the experience was encounter—whether with their therapist or with God in the moment of praying. In the acknowledgement of these relationships and sometimes within the healing embrace they offered, there was an opportunity to walk through suffering and despair to a more hopeful and meaningful future. For practitioners interested in the role of spirituality in therapy, this research supports that religious and spiritual practices can be an invaluable part of the therapy, if done with reflexivity in care. Praying, and other ways spirituality became part of therapy (conversations, reading Scripture) can be a way the essence, the fibre of clients’ being existence, is honoured and known by their therapist. With all of that in mind, it is my ultimate hope that you, as the reader, came into closer contact with the lived experience of praying in therapy through this thesis. The phenomenological text was my best effort to illuminate a beautiful, mysterious, and incredibly CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 208 complex experience. There is so much that could not be captured by words, and yet I hope these words touched and resonated with you at some level. There is still much to learn about praying, and the many other spiritual and religious phenomena that exist – inside and outside of therapy. With that in mind, I am optimistic that exploration in this area will continue to grow and flourish as we, as practitioners and researchers, continually acknowledge and appreciate that religion and spirituality do have a place within psychology and counselling psychology. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 209 REFERENCES Ai, A., Wink, P., & Shearer, M. (2012). Fatigue of survivors following cardiac surgery: Positive influences of preoperative prayer coping. British Journal of Health Psychology, 17, 724742. doi: 10.1111/j.2044-8287.2012.02068.x Angus Reid Institute. (2016). Prayer: Alive and well in Canada. Retrieved from http://angusreid.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/2016.05.05-Prayer.pdf Ano, G. G., & Vasconcelles, E. B. (2005). Religious coping and psychological adjustment to stress: A meta-analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(4), 461–480. http://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20049 Baesler, J. E. (1997). Interpersonal Christian prayer and communication. Journal of Communication and Religion, 20, 5-13. Retrieved from https://digitalcommons.odu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://www.google.ca/&htt psredir=1&article=1005&context=communication_fac_pubs Baesler, J. E. (1999). A model of interpersonal Christian prayer. Journal of Communication and Religion, 22, 40–64. Retrieved from http://www.relcomm.org/journal-of-communicationand-religion.html Baesler, J. E. (2002). Prayer and relationship with God II: Replication and extension of the Relational Prayer Model. Review of Religious Research, 44(1), 58-67. http://doi.org/10.2307/3512157 Baesler, J. E. (2005). The role of prayer in spiritual direction. Presence: An International Journal of Spiritual Direction, 11, 40-45. ISSN:1081-7662 Baesler, J. E. (2012). Prayer research: Foundations, review, and agenda. The Review of Communication, 12, 143-158. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/15358593.2011.653506 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 210 Baesler, J., & Ladd, K. (2009). Exploring prayer contexts and health outcomes: From chair to the pew. Journal of Communication and Religion, 32, 347-374. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/03df/c2ab269f12bc677333278fe7bbf8bf502122.pdf Baesler, E., Lindvall, T., & Lauricella, S. (2011). Assessing predictions of Relational Prayer theory: Media and interpersonal inputs, public and private prayer processes, and spiritual health. Southern Communication Journal, 76(3), 191–209. http://doi.org/10.1080/10417940903474438 Benner, D. G. (2014). Presence and encounter: The sacramental possibilities for everyday life. Washington, DC: Brazos Press. Bjorck, J. P., & Thurman, J. W. (2007). Negative life events, patterns of positive and negative religious coping, and psychological functioning. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 46(2), 159–167. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-5906.2007.00348.x Buber, M. (1970). I and thou. (W. Kaufmann, Trans.). New York, NY: Touchstone. Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2007). Code of ethics. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/CodeofEthics_en.pdf Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of practice (5th ed.). Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/ccpa-standards-of-practice-for-counsellors/ Canadian Psychological Association. (2017). Canadian code of ethics for psychologists (4th ed.). Ottawa, ON: Author. Connolly, P. (1999a). Psychological approaches. In P. Connolly (Ed.), Approaches to the study of religion (pp. 135-192). New York, NY: Cassell. Connolly, P. (Ed.). (1999b). Approaches to the study of religion. New York, NY: Cassell. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 211 Cooper, D. C., Thayer, J. F., & Waldstein, S. R. (2014). Coping with racism: The impact of prayer on cardiovascular reactivity and post-stress recovery in African American women. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 47(2), 218–230. http://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-0139540-4 Creswell, J. W. (2013). Qualitative inquiry and research design: Choosing among five approaches (3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. de Witt, L., & Ploeg, J. (2006). Critical appraisal of rigour in interpretive phenomenological nursing research. Methodological issues in nursing research, 55(2), 215-229. doi: 10.1111/j.1365-2648.2006.03898.x Dowling, M. (2007). From Husserl to van Manen. A review of different phenomenological approaches. International Journal of Nursing Studies, 44, 131-142. doi: 10.1016/j.ijnurstu.2005.11.026 Eliassen, A. H., Taylor, J., & Lloyd, D. A. (2005). Subjective religiosity and depression in the transition to adulthood. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 44(2), 187–199. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-5906.2005.00275.x Ellison, C., & Fan, D. (2008). Daily spiritual experiences and psychological well-being among US adults. Social Indicators Research, 88(2), 247-241. doi:10.1007/s11205-007-9187-2 Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Exline, J. J., Yali, A. M., & Sanderson, W. C. (2000). Guilt, discord, and alienation: The role of religious strain in depression and suicidality. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 56(12), 1481–1496. doi:10.1002/1097- 4679(200012)56:12 1481::AID-1 3.0.CO;2-A CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 212 Finlay, L. (2008). A dance between the reduction and reflexivity: Explicating the “phenomenological psychological attitude”. Journal of Phenomenological Psychology, 39, 1-32. doi: 10.1163/156916208X311601 Finlay, L. (2009). Ambiguous encounters: A relational approach to phenomenological research. The Indo-Pacific Journal of Phenomenology, 9(1), 1-17. Retrieved from http://www.ipjp.org/index.php?option=com_jdownloads&view=download&id=146:linda finlay9e1&catid=35&Itemid=318 Finlay, L. (2011). Phenomenology for therapists: Researching the lived world. West Sussex, UK: Wiley-Blackwell. Foster, R. (2008). Prayer: Finding the heart's true home (Paperback ed.). London, UK: Hodder & Stoughten Ltd. Freedman, D. N, Myers, A. C., & Beck, A. B. (Eds.). (2000). Eerdmans dictionary of the Bible. Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans. Freeze, T., & DiTommaso, E. (2014). An examination of attachment, religiousness, spirituality and well-being in a Baptist faith sample. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 17(7), 690702. doi:10.1080/13674676.2014.899569 Gall, T., & Guirguis-Younger, M. (2013). Religious and spiritual coping: Current theory and research. In K. I. Pargament (Ed.), APA handbook of psychology, religion, and spirituality (Vol. 1, pp. 349-364). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Giorgi, A. (2006). Concerning variations in the application of the phenomenological method. The Humanistic Psychologist, 34(4), 305-319. doi: 10.1207/s15473333thp3404_2 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 213 Gockel, A. (2011). Client perspectives on spirituality in the therapeutic relationship. The Humanistic Psychologist, 39(2), 154–168. http://doi.org/10.1080/08873267.2011.564959 Gough, B. (2017). The Palgrave handbook of critical social psychology. London, UK: Palgrave Macmillan. Granqvist, P., & Kirkpatrick, L. (2016). Attachment and religious representations and behavior. In J. Cassidy & P. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (pp. 917-940). New York, NY: Guilford. Greenfield, E. A., Vaillant, G. E., & Marks, N. F. (2009). Do formal religious participation and spiritual perceptions have independent linkages with diverse dimensions of psychological well-being? Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 50(2), 196–212. http://doi.org/10.1177/002214650905000206 Gubi, P.M. (2001). An exploration of the use of Christian prayer in mainstream counselling. British Journal of Guidance and Counselling, 29(4), 425-434. doi: 10.1080/03069880120085974 Gubi, P. M. (2004). Surveying the extent of, and attitudes towards, the use of prayer as a spiritual intervention among British mainstream counsellors. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 32(4), 461–476. http://doi.org/10.1080/03069880412331303277 Gubi, P. M. (2008). Prayer in counselling and psychotherapy: Exploring a hidden meaningful dimension. Philadelphia, PA: Jessica Kingsley. Gubi, P. M. (2009). A qualitative exploration into how the use of prayer in counselling and psychotherapy might be ethically problematic. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, 9(2), 115–121. http://doi.org/10.1080/14733140802685312 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 214 Harris, J. I., Erbes, C. R., Engdahl, B. E., Olson, R. H. A., Winskowski, A. M., & McMahill, J. (2008). Christian religious functioning and trauma outcomes. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 64(1), 17–29. http://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20427 Harris, J. I., Erbes, C. R., Engdahl, B. E., Tedeschi, R. G., Olson, R. H., Winskowski, A. M. M., & McMahill, J. (2010). Coping functions of prayer and posttraumatic growth. International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 20(1), 26–38. http://doi.org/10.1080/10508610903418103 Harris, J. I., Erbes, C. R., Winskowski, A. M., Engdahl, B. E., & Nguyen, X. V. (2014). Social support as a mediator in the relationship between religious comforts and strains and trauma symptoms. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 6(3), 223–229. http://doi.org/10.1037/a0036421 Haverkamp, B. E., & Young, R. A. (2007). Paradigms, purpose, and the role of the literature: Formulating a rationale for qualitative investigations. The Counselling Psychologist, 35(2), 265-294. doi: 10.1177/0011000006292597 Hickson, J., Housley, W., & Wages, D. (2000). Counselors' perceptions of spirituality in the therapeutic process. Counseling and Values, 45, 58-66. doi:10.1002/j.2161007X.2000.tb00183.x Hill, P. C., Pargament, K. I., Hood, R. W., McCullough Jr, M. E., Swyers, J. P., Larson, D. B., & Zinnbauer, B. J. (2000). Conceptualizing religion and spirituality: Points of commonality, points of departure. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 30(1), 51–77. http://doi.org/10.1111/1468-5914.00119 Horton, M. S. (2011). The Christian faith: A systematic theology for pilgrims on the way. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 215 James, A., & Wells, A. (2003). Religion and mental health: Towards a cognitive-behavioural framework. British Journal of Health Psychology, 8(3), 359–376. Jeppsen, B., Pössel, P., Black, S. W., Bjerg, A., & Wooldridge, D. (2015). Closeness and control: Exploring the relationship between prayer and mental health. Counseling and Values, 60(2), 164–185. http://doi.org/10.1002/cvj.12012 Koch, T. (1995). Interpretive approach in nursing research: The influence of Husserl and Heidegger. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 21(5), 827-836. doi: 10.1046/j.13652648.1995.21050827.x Koch, T., & Harrington, A. (1998). Reconceptualizing rigour: The case for reflexivity. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 28(4), 882-890. doi: 10.1046/j.1365-2648.1998.00725.x Koenig H., & Pritchett J. (1998). Religion and psychotherapy. In H. G. Koening (Ed.), Handbook of religion and mental health (pp. 323-336). San Diego, CA: Academic Press. Krause, N. (2009). Lifetime trauma, prayer, and psychological distress in late life. International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 19(1), 55–72. http://doi.org/10.1080/10508610802471112 Krause, N., & Hayward, R. D. (2014). Trust-based prayer expectancies and health among older Mexican Americans. Journal of Religion and Health, 53(2), 591–603. http://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-013-9786-y Krok, D. (2015). Religiousness, spirituality, and coping with stress among late adolescents: A meaning-making perspective. Journal of Adolescence, 45, 196–203. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2015.10.004 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 216 Kruse, J. (2012). Differential effects of centering prayer and progressive muscle relaxation as in intervention for anxiety reduction (Doctoral Dissertation). Available from ProQuest (UMI number: 3529544) Kuchan, K. L. (2011). Prayer as a therapeutic process toward transforming destructiveness within a spiritual direction relationship. Journal of Religion and Health, 50, 120-131. doi:10.1007/s10943-009-9287-1 Kwee J., & Längle A. (2013). Phenomenology in psychotherapeutic praxis: An introduction to Personal Existential Analysis. Presencing EPIS: A Scientific Journal of Applied Phenomenology and Psychoanalysis, 2, 1-14. Retrieved from http://episjournal.com/journal-2013/phenomenology-in-psychotherapeutic-praxis Ladd, K. L., & McIntosh, D. N. (2008). Meaning, God, and prayer: Physical and metaphysical aspects of social support. Mental Health, Religion, & Culture, 11, 23-38. doi: 10.1080/13674670701475053 Ladd, K., & Spilka, B. (2013). Prayer: A review of the empirical literature. In K. I. Pargament (Ed.), APA handbook of psychology, religion, and spirituality (Vol. 1, pp. 293–310). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Laird, S. P., Snyder, C. R., Rapoff, M. A., & Green, S. (2004). Measuring private prayer: Development, validation, and clinical application of the Multidimensional Prayer Inventory. The International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 14(4), 251–272. http://doi.org/10.1207/s15327582ijpr1404_2 Lambert, M. J., & Barley, D. E. (2002). Research summary on the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome. In J. C. Norcross (Ed.), Psychotherapy relationships that work (pp. 17-32). New York, NY: Oxford. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 217 Laverty, S. M. (2003). Hermeneutic phenomenology and phenomenology: A comparison of historical and methodological considerations. International Journal of Qualitative Methods, 2(3), 1-29. Retrieved from https://sites.ualberta.ca/~iiqm/backissues/2_3final/pdf/laverty.pdf Leong, F. T. L. (Ed.). (2008). Encyclopedia of counselling (Vol. 1). Los Angeles, CA: Sage. Lewis, C. S. (1950). The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. London, UK: Geoffrey Bles. Magaletta, P. R., & Brawer, P. A. (1998). Prayer in psychotherapy: A model for its use, ethical considerations, and guidelines for practice. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 26 (4), 322–330. Mahoney, A. (2013). The spirituality of us: Relational spirituality in the context of family relationships. In K. I. Pargament (Ed.), APA handbook of psychology, religion, and spirituality (Vol. 1, pp. 365–389). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Maltby, J., Lewis, C. A., & Day, L. (2008). Prayer and subjective well-being: The application of a cognitive-behavioural framework. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 11(1), 119–129. http://doi.org/10.1080/13674670701485722 Martinez, J. S., Smith, T. B., & Barlow, S. H. (2007). Spiritual interventions in psychotherapy: Evaluations by highly religious clients. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 63(10), 943–960. http://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20399 Mason, M. C. (2013). Making the sacred real. In G. Giordan & L. Woodhead (Eds.), Annual Review of the sociology of religion volume 4: Prayer in religion and spirituality. (Vol. 4, pp. 9-25). Boston, MA: Brill. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 218 McMinn, M., Fervida, H., Louwese, K., Pop, J., & Thompson, R. (2008). Forgiveness and prayer. Faculty Publications-Grad School of Clinical Psychology, Paper 159. Retrieved from http://digitalcommons.georgefox.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1190&context=gscp_fac Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. (2016). Attachment in adulthood (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford. Miller, M., & Chavier, M. (2013). Clinicians’ experiences of integrating prayer in the therapeutic process. Journal of Spirituality in Mental Health, 15(2), 70–93. http://doi.org/10.1080/19349637.2013.776441 Moon, G. W. (2002). Spiritual direction: Meaning, purpose, and implications for mental health professionals. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 30, 264-275. doi: 10.1177/009164710203000402 Moran, D. (2000). Introduction to phenomenology. New York, NY: Routledge. Morrison, J. Q., Clutter, S. M., Pritchett, E. M., & Demmitt, A. (2009). Perceptions of clients and counseling professionals regarding spirituality in counseling. Counseling and Values, 53(3), 183–195. http://doi.org/10.1002/j.2161-007X.2009.tb00124.x Nealms, T. (2015). Phenomenological philosophy and research. In M. De Chesney (Ed.), Nursing research using phenomenology: Qualitative designs and methods in nursing (pp. 1-24). New York, NY: Springer. Nestigan, J. A., & Forde, G. O. (1993). Free to be: A handbook to Luther's Small Catechism. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress. Nouwen, H. J. M. (1981). The way of the heart. New York, NY: Ballantine Books. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 219 Palmer, P. (1983). To Know as We Are Known: A Spirituality of Education. San Francisco, CA: Harper & Row. Paloutzian, R. F., & Park, C. L. (2005). Integrative themes in the current science of the psychology of religion. In R. F. Paloutzian & C. L. Park (Eds.), Handbook of the psychology of religion and spirituality (pp. 3-20). New York, NY: Guilford Press. Pargament, K. I. (1997). The psychology of religion and coping: Theory, research, practice. New York, NY: Guilford. Pargament, K. I. (2002). Authors’ responses: Is religion nothing but...? Explaining religion versus explaining religion away. Psychological Inquiry, 13(3), 239–244. http://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1303_06 Pargament, K. I. (2007). Spiritually integrated psychotherapy: Understanding and addressing the sacred. New York, NY: Guilford. Pargament, K. I., Magyar-Russell, G. M., & Murray-Swank, N. A. (2005). The sacred and the search for significance: Religion as a unique process. Journal of Social Issues, 61(4), 665–687. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.2005.00426.x Pargament, K. I., Mahoney, A. M., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., & Shafranske, E. P. (2013). Envisioning an integrative paradigm for the psychology of religion and spirituality. In K. I. Pargament (Ed.), APA Handbook of psychology, religion, and spirituality (Vol. 1, pp. 3-19). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Park, C. L. (2005). Religion as a meaning-making framework in coping with life stress. Journal of Social Issues, 61(4), 707–729. http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.2005.00428.x CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 220 Park, C. L. (2007). Religiousness/spirituality and health: A meaning systems perspective. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 30(4), 319–328. http://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-0079111-x Park, C. L. (2010). Making sense of the meaning literature: An integrated review of meaning making and its effects on adjustment to stressful life events. Psychological Bulletin, 136, 257-301. doi: 10.1037/a0018301 Park, C. L., Edmondson, D., & Hale-Smith, A. (2013). Why religion? Meaning as motivation. In K. I. Pargament (Ed.), APA handbook of psychology, religion, and spirituality (Vol. 1, pp. 157-171). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Park, C. L., & Folkman, S. (1997). Meaning in the context of stress and coping. Review of General Psychology, 1, 115-144. doi: 10.1037/1089-2680.1.2.115 Patton, M. Q. (2002). Qualitative research and evaluation methods (3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Poloma, M. M., & Pendleton, B. F. (1991). The effects of prayer and prayer experience on measures of general well-being. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 19(1), 71–83. Post, B. C., & Wade, N. G. (2009). Religion and spirituality in psychotherapy: A practicefriendly review of research. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 65(2), 131–146. http://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20563 Reimer-Kirkham, S. (2014). Nursing research on religion and spirituality from a social justice lens. Advances in Nursing Science, 37, 249-257. doi: 10.1097/ANS.0000000000000036 Richards, P. S., & Bergin, A. E. (1997). A spiritual strategy for counseling and psychotherapy. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 221 Richards, P. S., & Bergin, A. E. (2005). A spiritual strategy for counselling and psychotherapy (2nd ed.). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Richards, P. S., & Bergin, A. E. (2014). Towards religious and spiritual competency for mental health professionals. In P. S. Richards & A. E. Bergin (Eds.), Handbook of psychotherapy and religious diversity (2nd ed., pp. 3-19). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Rizzuto, A-M. (1979). The birth of the living God: A psychoanalytic study. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago. Rose, E. M., Westefeld, J. S., & Ansley, T. N. (2008). Spiritual issues in counseling: Clients’ beliefs and preferences. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, S(1), 18–33. http://doi.org/10.1037/1941-1022.S.1.18 Saenz, R., & Waldo, M. (2013). Clients’ preferences regarding prayer during counseling. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 5(4), 325–334. http://doi.org/10.1037/a0033711 Shurer, O. (Producer), & Clements, R., & Musker, J. (Directors). (2016). Moana. [Motion picture]. United States: Walt Disney. Sigler, J. E. (2015). A critical review of Baesler's Relational Prayer Model (RPM) and a proposal of a new, RPM- Complementary Direct Divine Communication (DDCM). Journal of Communication and Religion, 38, 69-94. Slife, B. D., & Reber, J. S. (2009). Is there a pervasive implicit bias against theism in psychology? Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 29(2), 63-79. doi: 10.1037/a0016985 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 222 Slife, B. D., & Reber, J. S. (2012). Conceptualizing religious practices in psychological research: Problems and prospects. Pastoral Psychology, 61(5-6), 735–746. http://doi.org/10.1007/s11089-011-0397-9 Sloan, A. & Bowe, B. (2014). Phenomenology and hermeneutic phenomenology: The philosophy, the methodologies, and using hermeneutic phenomenology to investigate lecturers’ experiences of curriculum design. Quality and Quantity, 48(3), 1291-1303. doi: 10.1007/s11135-013-9835-3 Smith, T. B., Bartz, J., & Richards, S. P. (2007). Outcomes of religious and spiritual adaptations to psychotherapy: A meta-analytic review. Psychotherapy Research, 17(6), 643–655. http://doi.org/10.1080/10503300701250347 Spilka, B., & Ladd, K. (2013). The psychology of prayer: A scientific approach. New York, NY: The Guilford Press. Statistics Canada. (2011). 2011 National household survey: Immigration, place of birth, citizenship, ethnic origin, visible minorities, language, and religion. Retrieved from http://www.statcan.gc.ca/daily-quotidien/130508/dq130508b-eng.htm?HPA Tchividjian, T. (2012). Glorious ruin: How suffering sets you free. Colorado Spring, CO: David C Cook. Tjeltveit, A. C. (2012). Religion, spirituality and mental health. In S. J. Knapp, M. C. Gottlieb, M. M. Handelsman, & L. D. VandeCreek (Eds.), APA handbook of ethics in psychology (Vol. 1, pp. 279-294). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. van Manen, M. (1990). Researching lived experience: Human science for an action sensitive pedagogy. London, ON: State University of New York Press. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 223 van Manen, M. (1997). From meaning to method. Qualitative Health Research, 7(3), 345-369. doi: 10.1177/104973239700700303 van Manen, M. (2006). Writing qualitatively, or the demands of writing. Qualitative Health Research, 16(5), 713-722. doi: 10.1177/1049732306286911 van Manen, M. (2014). Phenomenology of practice: Meaning-giving methods in phenomenological research and writing. Walnut Creek, CA: Left Coast Press. Vasiliauskas, S. L., & McMinn, M. R. (2013). The effects of a prayer intervention on the process of forgiveness. Psychology of Religion and Spiriutality, 5, 23-32. doi: 10.1037/a0029324 Walker, D. F., & Moon, G. W. (2011). Prayer. In J. D. Aten, M. R. McMinn, & E. L. Worthington Jr. (Eds.), Spirituality oriented intervention for counseling and psychotherapy (pp. 139-167). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Weld, C., & Eriksen, K. (2007a). Christian clients’ preferences regarding prayer as a counselling intervention. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 35(4), 328–341. Retrieved from http://www.thedivineconspiracy.org/Z5213D.pdf Weld, C., & Eriksen, K. (2007b). The ethics of prayer in counseling. Counseling and Values, 51, 125-138. doi:10.1002/j.2161-007X.2007.tb00070.x Wertz, F. J. (2005). Phenomenological research methods for counseling psychology. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 52(2), 167-177. doi: 10.1037/0022-0167.52.2.167 Whittington, B. L., & Scher, S. J. (2010). Prayer and subjective well-being: An examination of six different types of prayer. International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 20(1), 59–68. http://doi.org/10.1080/10508610903146316 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 224 Wnuk, M., & Marcinkowski, J. T. (2014). Do existential variables mediate between religiousspiritual facets of functionality and psychological wellbeing? Journal of Religion and Health, 53(1), 56–67. http://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-012-9597-6 Woodhead, L. (2015). Conclusion: Prayer as changing the subject. In G. Giordan & L. Woodhead (Eds.), A Sociology of Prayer (pp. 213-230). London, UK: Routledge. Worthington, E. L. Jr., & Sandage, S. J. (2016). Forgiveness and spirituality in psychotherapy: A relational approach. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Zinnbauer, B. J., & Pargament, K. I. (2005). Religiousness and spirituality. In R. F. Paloutzian & C. L. Park (Eds.), Handbook of the psychology of religion and spirituality (pp. 21-42). New York, NY: Guilford Press. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING APPENDIX A: SOCIAL MEDIA ADVERTISEMENT 225 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING APPENDIX B: POSTER ADVERTISEMENT Have you experienced praying in a therapy session? Would you be willing to share what that experience was like? For my Master’s in Counselling Psychology research at Trinity Western University I hope to understand Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. I am currently looking for Christian clients who… • Have prayed with their counsellor at least once in the past year • Live in the Lower Mainland or Fraser River Valley • Are 19 years of age or older • Are willing to share their experiences! If you fit this description and are interested in participating, please contact me by e-mail (megan.england@mytwu.ca). 226 CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 227 APPENDIX C: SCREENING INTERVIEW QUESTIONS Date of Screening Interview: Introduction: Introduce myself as well as indicate that I am returning their call/e-mail about participating in my study on clients’ experiences of praying in therapy. Thank you for contacting me about participating in this study! The purpose of this phone-call is to see if your experience of praying in therapy fits with my research project. Our conversation may take about half an hour- does that work with you? (If no, ask for a better time to call). Your participation in this interview is completely voluntary—if you do not want to answer any questions you have the right to refuse to do so. If, at any point, you have any additional questions please let me know. Interview Questions: 1. In the flyer you may have saw that we are looking for Christian participants. What is your current religious affiliation? 2. Was your experience in therapy with other people or just with your therapist? 3. What your therapist professionally trained? a. If unknown, what is [was] your therapist’s name? 4. Where are [did] you receiving counselling services from? How many sessions did you have? For how long? 5. What made you interested in being part of this research? 6. How was praying experienced in therapy? a. If needed, prompt for: i. Silent (meditation, with or without words…) vs. Out-loud ii. Gestural (body movements part of prayer experience) iii. Content (ritual form, pray for self/other/ world…) b. Was your therapist aware of this praying experience? 7. Are you willing/able to commit 1-1.5 hours to an interview? 8. Do you think the interview will be a difficult experience for you? If yes…How come? 9. During/since counselling have you gone through any psychiatric crisis (like phoning a crisis line, considering suicide)? CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 228 If yes…When did this take happen? How are you now? Should the participant indicate that she or he is currently suicidal, screening will stop as the participant will not meet the criteria for inclusion in this study. The interviewer will then complete a suicide risk assessment: Have you ever hurt or attempted to kill yourself in the past? If yes… When/how? Do you know family members or friends that have killed themselves? How often do you think of suicide/harming yourself? Have you made a plan? If yes…How do you plan on killing yourself? Do you have access to ____? When do you plan to kill yourself? If the potential participant indicates that they are at a high risk of suicide (suicide history, set time and access to means, constant thoughts about suicide), they will be urged to call a suicide hotline (1-800-SUICIDE [784-2433]) and to talk with/ contact their therapist. If potential participant actively plans to kill themselves, they will be instructed to phone their therapist/doctor/911 immediately. 10. Do you ever see, hear, or believe things that other people don’t? Does this impact your ability to talk with others? Thank you for expressing interest in participating in this study and taking the time to talk with me today. Do you have any questions for me at this time? I will contact you in the near future about your participation in this study. If you have any questions/concerns come up, please feel free to e-mail me at (e-mail address) or phone me at (NUMBER). CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 229 APPENDIX D: INFORMED CONSENT FORM Informed Consent: Christian Clients’ Experiences of Praying in Therapy Sessions Principal Investigator: Megan England, M.A. Student in Counselling Psychology, Trinity Western University. Contact by phone (phone number) or e-mail (e-mail address). Supervisor: Derrick Klaassen, Ph.D., Counselling Psychology, Trinity Western University. Email contact: (e-mail address). Phone number: (phone number). Second Reader: Sheryl Kirkham, Ph.D., Faculty of Nursing, Trinity Western University. E-mail contact: (e-mail address). Phone number: (phone number). Purpose: The purpose of this study to understand Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy sessions. This is an important area of research because there are few studies that aim to understand clients’ experiences. You have been asked to participate in this study because you have experienced praying in therapy sessions. As the principal researcher, I hope to write indepth descriptions and interpretations about your experience(s) of praying in therapy. It is hoped that this research helps inform future research and counselling professionals. Procedures: To be included in this study, you must: (1) identify as being a Christian; (2) have experienced praying in therapy sessions where your therapist was aware of praying; (3) have experienced praying in therapy within the last year; and (4) have gone through the screening questions for participation. For my research, our conversations together are important to better understand the experience of praying in therapy sessions. As such, we will meet for a 1-1.5 hour interview, where I will ask you to share about your experience. In this interview, I will ask for basic information about yourself (such as age) and your counselling experience (length, goals, etc.), and details about your experience of praying in therapy and your reaction to this experience. This interview will take place in a location that is most comfortable to you and will be audio-recorded. All audiorecordings will be stored on a password protected USB and locked in a secure location when not in use. In the second part of my research, I will transcribe our interview word-for-word. Your name will not be attached to the interview once it is transcribed to protect your privacy; instead, I will label the interview with a pseudonym (an alternate name) of your choice. All transcribed documents will be stored on a password protected USB, which will be locked in a secure location. Your responses will be reviewed by myself, my supervisor, and some fellow graduate students who may assist in this research. Everyone involved with the research will have agreed to maintain confidentiality. Once we are done reviewing all participants’ responses and I finish my thesis, my completed thesis can be sent to you if you would like to see it. After my thesis is completed, CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 230 the audio-recordings and transcribed interviews will be stored indefinitely in a secure location in the Counselling Psychology Department. If you are interested and willing, I may contact participants for a follow-up interview, where we talk about how the written description of results fits with your experience. I will ask you how this description does and does not relate to your experiences. If you have any further input or insights, this time will provide an opportunity for you to share. This interview is expected to take 0.5-1 hour. The transcription and process of analyzing your response will be the same as the first interview: the interview will be transcribed word-for-word, a pseudonym will be included on the transcribed document, and the transcript will be reviewed by myself, my supervisor, and some fellow graduate students. All information will be kept on an encrypted USB which is stored in a secure location when not in use. After my thesis is complete, the audio-recordings of the is interview, as well as the transcript will be stored indefinitely in a secure location in the Counselling Psychology Department. Potential Risks/ Discomfort: It is possible that you may experience some emotional discomfort while sharing your experiences of praying in therapy sessions, specifically if it is hard to talk about what led you to counselling or if praying was not a positive experience for you. I (Megan England) will be interviewing all participants. As a student in counselling psychology, I hope to make our interview a safe space for you to share your experiences. Potential Benefits: By participating in this study, you will help researchers understand Christian clients’ experiences of praying in therapy sessions with their therapist. This will help expand this area of research and guide professional counsellors interested in praying in therapy with their clients. It is hoped that our interview is a valuable way for you to explore the meaning of experiencing praying in therapy as well. Confidentiality: Any information that is obtained in connection with this study and that can be identified with you will remain confidential and will be disclosed only with your permission or as required by law. All audiotapes will be stored on an encrypted USB in a secure location until the interviews have been transcribed. Once transcribed, the audio-recordings will be stored in a secure location in the Counselling Psychology Department at Trinity Western University. Transcribed files will also be stored indefinitely in a secure location in the Counselling Psychology Department. Transcribed documents will not contain participants name, but instead be labelled with a pseudonym of participants’ choice. Participant and therapist names will remain confidential. Compensation: To thank you for your participation, you will receive $30.00 and a thank-you card after completing the first interview. Contact for information about the study: If you have any questions or desire further information with respect to this study, you may contact Megan England at (e-mail address) or one of her associates (Dr. Derrick Klaassen) at (e-mail address). CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 231 Contact for Information about the rights of research participants: If you have any concerns about your treatment or rights as a research participant, you may contact Ms. Sue Funk in the Office of Research, Trinity Western University at (phone number) or (e-mail). Consent: Your participation in this study is entirely voluntary, and you may refuse to participate or withdraw from the study at any time without jeopardy to your involvement in counselling or compensation. To withdraw from this study, you can contact the principal investigator (Megan England) either by phone or e-mail. When you contact the principal investigator, you can simply say that you would not like your interview to be used for this study. If you withdraw from this study, the audio-recording of your interview and the transcribed interview will be destroyed. You can withdraw, at any point, until the thesis has been completed. Signature: Your signature below indicates that you have had your questions about the study answered to your satisfaction and have received a copy of this consent form for your own records. Your signature indicates that you consent to participate in this study and that your responses may be put in anonymous form and kept for further use after the completion of this study. ___________________________________________ Research Participant Signature (or Parent or Guardian Signature) _______________________ Date _____________________________________________________________ Printed name of the research participant (signed above) CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 232 APPENDIX E: SEMI-STRUCTURED INTERVIEW GUIDE Thank you for volunteering to participate in this study. Before beginning our interview, we will go through the informed consent form (read through). Both you and your therapist will be named using a pseudonym once I transcribe our interview- would you like to choose the pseudonym’s for this study? (If yes, write down). Throughout the interview, I will be asking you some personal questions, so it is understandable if certain feelings (like discomfort) arise. If at, any point, you are uncomfortable you can ask for a break or stop the interview. When you’re ready I’ll start audio-recording our interview. Do you have any questions before we begin? Interview: 1. What is your current age? 2. What were your goals for counselling during that time? a. Did any of these goals relate to your religious/ spiritual beliefs? 3. When, in your counselling, did you experience praying in therapy? 4. Did you expect or anticipate that you would experience praying in therapy before you started? 5. Who introduced the idea of praying in therapy, and for what purpose? 6. What does prayer mean to you? 7. Can you describe an experience of praying in therapy to me? Prompt for details… a. b. c. d. e. f. g. h. i. What was happening before then? What, specifically, was said/done? Did any specific thoughts come to mind? How did it make you feel? How was that feeling experienced? Did you notice anything happening in your body? How did you make sense of that? How did your experience end? What happened after? How did you feel after praying with your therapist? How was that feeling experienced? Is there anything else about that experience that stands out to you? 8. (If time permits) Are there any other experiences that come to mind? Could you to describe them to me? CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 233 a. If share another experience…what was similar/ different between the two experiences? 9. How has this experience impacted you? a. How did your understanding of self, God, and/or the world change? 10. Have you changed from this experience? How do you make sense of that? 11. How come this experience touched you [this way]? Read debriefing script and give participants thank you letter/ compensation for participating in study. CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 234 APPENDIX F: DEBRIEFING SCRIPT Thank you for taking time to share about your experiences of praying in therapy! Your participation is greatly appreciated. How was this experience for you? Were there parts of the interview that were hard to understand? If you have any feedback about your experience you would like to share, that would be greatly appreciated. Just to remind you, this study seeks to understand clients’ experiences of praying in therapy with their therapist. After this part of our study, I’ll transcribe our interview (which won’t have your name on it) and then work on interpreting your experiences of praying in therapy. Once my thesis is completed, I will gladly share my study with you, if you would like. You are free to withdraw from this study up until I transcribe your interview, in which case the audio-tape will be deleted. If you have any questions or concerns come up in next while, please let me know! Thank you again for your participation in this study. I greatly appreciate your willingness to share your experiences with me! CLIENTS’ EXPERIENCES PRAYING 235 APPENDIX G: THANK YOU LETTER Dear [Participant’s Name], Thank you for sharing your experiences about praying in therapy with me. Your willingness to participate is very appreciated! I hope your experiences help inform future counselling professionals about including praying in the counselling process as well as current research in this area. With this letter, is a small token to show our appreciation for your participation. Sincerely, Megan England