Running head: TURNING TOWARD LOSS

i

THE LABYRINTH OF GRIEF:
A PHENOMENOLOGICAL EXPLORATION OF TURNING TOWARD LOSS
by
JANELLE K. DRISNER

A THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE
REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF MASTER OF ARTS
in
THE FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES
GRADUATE COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY PROGRAM

We accept this thesis as conforming to the required standard

……………………………………………………..
Derrick Klaassen, PhD, Thesis Supervisor
……………………………………………………..
Mihaela Launeanu, PhD, Second Reader
……………………………………………………..
Darcy Harris, PhD, External Examiner

TRINITY WESTERN UNIVERSITY

© Janelle K. Drisner 2017

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ABSTRACT

This study explored the Existential Analytic grieving activity of turning toward loss. Four
bereaved women, each bereaved of either a parent, spouse, child, or sibling, participated in one
hour interviews. The guiding research question for this study was “what is the lived experience
of turning toward loss?” In order to understand how participants encountered and engaged with
their grief as it is lived through, a hermeneutic phenomenological method was employed.
Through the participants’ lived experience descriptions, eight thematic meaning structures were
revealed: (a) an encounter with death, (b) surrendering to grief, (c) choosing community, (d)
permitting and pursuing grief, (e) transformation of self, (f) rooting in relationship, (g)
embracing life, and (h) the ground of faith. From the thematic meanings emerged the metaphor
of a labyrinth of grief, which represented the various paradoxes that participants experienced
while grieving. The metaphor of labyrinth also signified that turning toward loss was essentially
deeply spiritual and transformative for the participants. In describing how they turned toward
their losses, the participants highlighted the inherent relational and dialogical nature of grieving.
In turning toward their losses through dialogue and relationship with themselves, others, and the
Divine, the participants moved from devastation and surrealism to a place of authenticity and
wholeness.
Keywords: Turning toward loss, Existential Analysis, grieving, grief work, grief encounter,
hermeneutic phenomenology, lived experience, labyrinth, paradox, metaphor

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PREFACE

This research project received approval by the Trinity Western University Research
Ethics Board on May 3, 2016 (file #16G02).

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

ABSTRACT .................................................................................................................................... ii
PREFACE ...................................................................................................................................... iii
TABLE OF CONTENTS ............................................................................................................... iv
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ........................................................................................................... xi
DEDICATION .............................................................................................................................. xii
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION ................................................................................................... 1
Existential Analysis .................................................................................................................... 2
Current Study .............................................................................................................................. 3
CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW ........................................................................................ 4
Key Terms ................................................................................................................................... 4
Theoretical Underpinnings and Empirical Findings ................................................................... 7
Psychoanalytic Theory ............................................................................................................ 7
Grief work. .......................................................................................................................... 8
Critique of grief work. ...................................................................................................... 11
Attachment Theory ............................................................................................................... 13
Continuing Bonds Theory ..................................................................................................... 16
Tasks of Mourning Model .................................................................................................... 21
Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement ............................................................... 22
Meaning Reconstruction Model ............................................................................................ 25

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Relearning the World Model ................................................................................................ 26
Existential Analysis .............................................................................................................. 28
Existential Analysis psychotherapy. ................................................................................. 28
Turning toward.................................................................................................................. 30
Coping reactions of FM2. ................................................................................................. 30
Grieving ............................................................................................................................ 32
EA phases of grieving. ...................................................................................................... 33
Summary ............................................................................................................................... 35
Limitations of Extant Literature................................................................................................ 36
Rationale for This Study ........................................................................................................... 39
CHAPTER 3: METHOD .............................................................................................................. 41
Research Paradigm.................................................................................................................... 41
Phenomenology......................................................................................................................... 43
Hermeneutic Phenomenological Method .................................................................................. 45
Data Collection and Analytic Procedure............................................................................... 46
Turning toward loss. ......................................................................................................... 47
Exploring the lived experience. ........................................................................................ 47
Reflection of the phenomenon. ......................................................................................... 49
Writing and rewriting processes. ...................................................................................... 51
Research Participation .......................................................................................................... 52

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Recruitment. ...................................................................................................................... 52
Selection. ........................................................................................................................... 52
Type of bereavement..................................................................................................... 53
Time since death. .......................................................................................................... 53
Screening interview. ..................................................................................................... 53
Participants. ....................................................................................................................... 53
The final interview. ....................................................................................................... 54
Iconic validity checks. .................................................................................................. 55
Methodological Rigour ............................................................................................................. 56
Balanced Integration ............................................................................................................. 57
Openness ............................................................................................................................... 57
Concreteness ......................................................................................................................... 58
Resonance ............................................................................................................................. 58
Actualization ......................................................................................................................... 59
CHAPTER 4: FINDINGS............................................................................................................. 61
The Paradoxical Nature of Grieving ......................................................................................... 62
Themes of the Lived Experience of Turning Toward Loss ...................................................... 64
The Phenomenological Writing of Turning Toward Loss ........................................................ 65
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as an Encounter with Death ................................ 65
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Surrendering to Grief ..................................... 69

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The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Choosing Community .................................... 71
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Permitting and Pursuing Grief ....................... 77
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Transformation of Self ................................... 82
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Rooting in Relationship.................................. 86
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Embracing Life............................................... 90
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as the Ground of Faith ........................................ 92
CHAPTER 5: DISCUSSION ........................................................................................................ 97
Rationale for this Study ............................................................................................................ 97
Summary of Research Findings ................................................................................................ 97
Discussion of the Findings ........................................................................................................ 99
Findings That Fit With Previous Studies ............................................................................ 100
Turning toward loss as an interpersonal, relational activity. .......................................... 100
Continuing relationship with the deceased. .................................................................... 101
Coping and respite as necessary. .................................................................................... 102
New Findings ...................................................................................................................... 103
Turning toward loss through metaphor. .......................................................................... 103
Turning towards loss as grief integration........................................................................ 104
Paradoxical nature of grief. ............................................................................................. 106
Theoretical Implications ......................................................................................................... 108
Psychoanalytic Grief Work ................................................................................................. 108

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Attachment Theory ............................................................................................................. 112
Continuing Bonds Theory ................................................................................................... 114
Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement ............................................................. 114
Relearning the World Model .............................................................................................. 116
EA Model of Grieving ........................................................................................................ 118
Clinical Implications ............................................................................................................... 121
Use of Metaphor ................................................................................................................. 121
Dialogue as Movement ....................................................................................................... 122
Paradoxical Nature of Turning Toward Loss...................................................................... 123
Accompaniment through Turning Toward ......................................................................... 123
Strengths and Limitations ....................................................................................................... 125
Future Research ...................................................................................................................... 127
Conclusion .............................................................................................................................. 131
CHAPTER 6: REFLEXIVITY ................................................................................................... 133
Evolution of the Research Process .......................................................................................... 134
Research Formulation Stage ............................................................................................... 134
Data Collection Stage ......................................................................................................... 136
Analysis Stage ..................................................................................................................... 138
Transcription. .................................................................................................................. 138
Analysis........................................................................................................................... 138

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Dialogue with research assistants ............................................................................... 138
Poetic formatting. ........................................................................................................ 139
Thematic Analysis. ..................................................................................................... 139
Web of themes. ........................................................................................................... 142
Phenomenological Writing ................................................................................................. 144
Reflexivity Through Creative Expression .............................................................................. 146
Painting ............................................................................................................................... 147
Journaling ............................................................................................................................ 157
Research formulation journaling..................................................................................... 159
Data collection journaling. .............................................................................................. 160
Analysis journaling. ........................................................................................................ 161
Integration stage. ............................................................................................................. 164
References ................................................................................................................................... 167
APPENDIX A: Recruitment Poster ............................................................................................ 187
APPENDIX B: Screening Template for Participants ................................................................. 188
APPENDIX C: Demographic Questionnaire .............................................................................. 190
APPENDIX D: Informed Consent for Participants .................................................................... 192
APPENDIX E: Interview Guide ................................................................................................. 194
APPENDIX F: REB Certificate of Approval ............................................................................. 196

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LIST OF FIGURES

Figure 1. The 11-circuit, unicursal labyrinth of Chartes Cathedral, France. ............................... 63
Figure 6. Web of thematic meaning structures. ......................................................................... 143
Figure 7. Relativity by M.C. Escher .......................................................................................... 144
Figure 8. Painting of Places of Depth ........................................................................................ 149
Figure 9. Painting of Grieving Burned the Bullshit ................................................................... 150
Figure 10. Painting of Death's Hand .......................................................................................... 151
Figure 11. Painting of Wedding Dress of Sadness .................................................................... 152
Figure 12. Painting of Grief ....................................................................................................... 153
Figure 13. Painting of The Labyrinth of Grief ........................................................................... 154
Figure 14. Painting of The Center ............................................................................................. 155
Figure 15. Painting of Ignite ...................................................................................................... 156

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Derrick—Thank you for your brilliant input and guidance throughout this thesis, and for
allowing me to continually borrow stacks of books from your library. Thank you also for
continually challenging me and helping me grow.
Mihaela—Thank you for embarking on the terrifying, yet exhilarating journey of
phenomenology, and for constantly pointing me towards my person and calling forth my voice.
Tammy—Thank you for the countless hours you have poured into this thesis with me, for
continually seeing the researcher in me. And thank you for stepping into the water with me,
bearing through the endless waves. It has been an honour to be your friend and colleague.
Ben, Jill, Kristin, and Bonnie—Thank you for assisting me with this research and providing a
depth of reflection and insight into this topic, which truly enriched the findings.
TWU Bereavement Lab—It has been life-giving and inspiring to collaborate with all of you
these past few years. Keep up the good work!
Existential Analysis Family—Your constant encouragement and support has been invaluable.
Thank you for holding me through all the ups and downs.
Chelsea—Cheers to the many coffee dates full of rich conversation of what it means to be a
feminist researcher and giving voice to that which is embodied. I appreciate journeying,
collaborating, suffering, and rejoicing through this with you.
Rowan—If only I could express to you my deep gratitude for your unwavering faith in me, your
awe-inspiring patience, your unending encouragement, and your steadfast love. Thank you for
all your many sacrifices along the way. You are a remarkable husband—I love you.
Mom—We have known loss and suffered much of it together. I am left in awe of your strength,
and your courage to continually love amidst your grief. Thank you for dialoguing and
encountering me throughout this process.
Liz—If only every word could be loaded with a million others, so that no words get left behind,
so that everything there is to say has a space for it … only then would words be enough. I will
leave it with this: you, my soul friend, are the very breath expired from the union of light and life
and love.
Victoria, Shirley, Maureen, and Leslie—Thank you. Thank you for your vulnerability and
strength in sharing your stories of turning toward loss. Thank you for teaching me how to turn
toward my losses, and for helping me unlock a creativity in me that had been long forgotten. I
will cherish and continue to learn from your wisdom for years to come.
This research was supported by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of
Canada.

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DEDICATION

Dear Dad,
You used to sing these words to me,
and I never doubted for one second that you meant them.
Now it is my turn to sing them to you:
For the morning sun in all its glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter
And somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles that's what you do
There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray
To the one, to the one
Have I told you lately that I love you?
(Have I Told You Lately by Van Morrison)

This is for Ron Wells.

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CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION
When someone we love dies, a part of our own self dies too. There are no words deep enough to
describe this time of sadness ... it takes time and a thousand tears to accept the death of someone
you love. Stay with this sadness. Your tears are holy water from the deep place of your loving.
You may receive great comfort from people who have been in the place of sadness, where you
are now. They will be friends, family and even people you have not known before.
In our sorrow, we are all connected.
(Florence, 2002, pp. 1-2)
I was 13 years old when my father died.1 I did not stay with the sadness. I did feel that a
part of myself had died along with him, and that there were no words to describe the agony. I
rejected the notion of time and tears as crucial to grieving. I had grown tired of crying. Instead,
I chose to allow myself one year to grieve because at the point of my father’s death, I was
exhausted. He had suffered from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) for three years, so I felt
obliterated by the time of his death. It seemed it would take somewhat of a whole person to
muster the energy to cry, and my shattered self could not do so. I did receive great comfort from
family and friends, but such comfort passed through my hollowed self.
To deal with the pain, I chose to turn away from my grief. I did not see how crying or
expressing my pain would do anything useful; it certainly would not bring my dad back to life.
Grief felt hindering, and I wanted to escape, flee, be free from its grasp. I wanted to come back
to life. I chose to lean into my ambition and turned toward scholarship as the remedy to my
suffering. For nine years, I remained this way. No matter the amount of knowledge I had
accumulated, I was left wanting. At times I would experience anger for my father’s death or
desperation for his return. This confused me because I assumed I was finished grieving. Despite
this confusion, nothing seemed as baffling as the ‘taste of nothing’: periods of time I named as

1

In this study, I will be referring to myself as the researcher in the first person. This is consistent with the
hermeneutic methodology utilized in this study. A main tenet of hermeneutic phenomenology is the recognition that
the researcher impacts and is impacted by the research process, and through the dialogue with the participants,
meanings are co-constructed; thus, I become intimately connected with the research.

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such where I felt misery, despair, and utter boredom. When I tasted nothing, I was enduring
moments, hours, and days of meaninglessness. It seemed the grief was mostly gone, but the
emptiness was gripping. That emptiness, that black void was stuck within me, and I trapped
within it. It was not until graduate studies, where I was introduced to existential psychotherapy,
specifically the school of Existential Analysis (EA), that I began to attend to my being stuck.
Existential Analysis
EA is a “phenomenological-personal psychotherapy” where EA psychotherapists aim to
help individuals make authentic decisions, deal responsibly with the world and others, and
experience their lives freely on “spiritual and emotional levels” (Längle, as cited in Längle,
2005, p. 5). In EA, four fundamental conditions or existential motivations are required for
experiencing a fulfilled existence, namely: a connection with reality, life, one’s person, and
meaning. The focus of this thesis lies within the EA psychotherapeutic framework, and more
specifically, with the second fundamental motivation of life. Längle (2005) stated that in order
to lead a fulfilled existence, one must experience the goodness of life. We experience life as
good mainly through relationships and in connection with values. When we lose important
relationships, or become disconnected from values, life no longer feels good, and we experience
loss of vitality. When this happens, according to EA, it is important to turn toward where the
loss is felt in order to relate to the loss, integrate the loss in one’s life, and experience life as good
once more (Längle, 2013). In EA, this activity of turning toward loss is the essence of grieving.
Coming across these teachings during my Existential Analytic training, I realized how
little I turned toward the loss of my father. This concept challenged my view of grief that it was
something that should be encountered rather than avoided, suppressed, or forgotten altogether.
This led me to wonder if the feelings of being stuck that I endured were a consequence of my

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turning away. I continued to wonder that if I no longer wanted to feel stuck nor “taste nothing”,
if I was going to have to taste something I had long evaded: grief.
Current Study
This wondering served as the ground for phenomenological inquiry into this topic.
Although the activity of turning toward loss emerged from Existential Analytic understanding of
grieving, it spurred numerous questions that caused me to pause and reflect on what turning
toward loss means on an experiential level. I specifically wondered what it means to turn
toward loss and how people engage in this activity. Van Manen (2014) stated that “theories that
explain human problems and processes through psychological theories may actually be enriched
by having these psychological concepts translated back into experiential realities” (p. 67). The
aim of this study is to do just that: to explore how the phenomenon of turning toward loss is lived
through in order to reach a deeper, inceptual understanding of this grieving activity.

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CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW
This chapter aims to situate the phenomenon of turning toward loss within the field of
grief and bereavement research. Researchers have provided rich theoretical and empirical
findings on grieving that have had noteworthy impacts on clinical practice. Because of
advancing research, the grief literature has undergone a significant paradigm shift over the
course of the century, particularly in regard to the relationship between the deceased and the
bereft (Russac, Steighner, & Canto, 2002). Consequently, grief theories and models have
changed, expanded, and some have been scrutinized due to recent developments in the field.
This chapter first clarify the key terms in this area of research, and then it will explore theories
and models of grieving together with the relevant empirical findings. In addition, I will provide
an outline of Existential Analysis and the concept of ‘turning toward loss’. Within the context of
the current grief literature and the theoretical and empirical limitations, the rationale and research
question for this study will be presented.
Key Terms
To provide a richer understanding of the findings, the terms bereavement, grief, and
grieving will be explored and described. Bereavement is defined as “the objective situation of
having lost someone significant through death” and this loss is often marked by “intense
distress” for many people (Stroebe, Hansson, Schut, & Stroebe, 2008, pp. 4-5). An individual
who has lost someone significant is referred to as being ‘bereaved’ or ‘bereft’, although bereaved
is the more specific term when referring to the loss of another person. Attig (2011) stated that
bereavement “happens to us”, addressing the fact that being bereaved is not something many
people choose nor control, thus making death one of “our most wrenching experiences” (p. 32).

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Typically, bereavement refers to the state of being deprived of someone, rather than the
emotional experience of it (Christ, Bonanno, Malkinson, & Rubin, 2003).
Grief often results when one is bereaved, but may also be experienced due to many types
of losses, including non-death losses. Examples of this would be anticipatory grief, where one
may be grieving someone who is alive and terminally ill (Christ et al., 2003). This means that
grief is a widespread phenomenon that is experienced in more circumstances than death;
however, in this study, the felt grief is a result of a death-loss.
Some researchers consider grief as its own emotion, or one specific emotional state,
whereas others reflect on its complexity in which it simultaneously encompasses a range of
emotional states (Weiss, 2008). Grief may be felt more than just emotionally because it also
impacts individuals cognitively, physically, and spiritually (Christ et al., 2003; Klaassen, 2010;
Stroebe et al., 2008). To further illustrate the complexity of defining grief, Weiss (2008)
remarked that grief seems to be better defined by its cause rather than its expression, which is
different than other affective states, such as joy or anger. It may even be difficult for researchers
to provide a universal description of grief, as it seems to vary in expression, intensity, and
duration for different individuals and cultural groups (Christ et al., 2003; Klass, 2015; Walter,
2012). For the purposes of this study, I will use Stroebe et al.’s (2008) definition which states
that grief is a normal, “primarily emotional (affective) reaction” which manifests psychologically
and physically, and varies from individually, culturally, and across time (p. 5).
As complex as grief is to define, grieving can be even more difficult to define. In
bereavement literature, grieving is often used synonymously with grief; however, for some
researchers, the terms are distinguished (Granek, 2010). For example, Attig (2011) differentiated
the emotion of grief from the process of grieving, where the latter is a means of coping with the

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complexity of grief. From his perspective, grieving is an active, rather than passive, process with
which we choose to engage. Attig elaborated on this by cautioning people from viewing
grieving as something we cannot choose, like bereavement, because adopting such a notion
limits one’s ability to “come to terms” with the loss (p. 33). He also stated that by grieving, “we
will cope intellectually and spiritually, emotionally and psychologically, behaviorally, socially,
and biologically with the major losses in our lives as long as we live” (p. 46).
Existential Analysts also consider that grieving is an active process; however, in EA,
grieving is differentiated from coping or, coping reactions (Längle, 2004, 2013). Existential
Analysts view turning toward as the essential activity of grieving where individuals exercise
their agency by choosing to encounter their felt grief personally. Conversely, coping reactions
are viewed as automatic, reactive behaviour to turn away and protect the self from threatening
stressors (Längle, 2004). In contrast, numerous researchers in the field of thanatology have
studied coping processes as responses to bereavement or have used the term “cope” to describe
grieving (Attig, 2011; Bonanno, 2001a; Folkman, 2001; Stroebe et al., 2008). Stroebe et al.
(2008) define coping as “processes, strategies, or styles of managing (reducing, mastering,
tolerating) the situation in which bereavement places the individual” (p. 11). It is unclear if
researchers who used the term coping interchangeably with grieving were referring to coping as
dealing with grief to the best of one’s abilities or as a reactive behaviour to avoid one’s grief. In
this thesis, the term coping is used to refer to the latter.
In this study, loss refers to the death of a loved one 2, bereavement reflects the state of
being permanently deprived of a loved one, grief is the emotional, cognitive, and physical
expression of this state, and grieving is the active engagement with grief. In this study, I focused

2

The term loved one is use throughout this thesis because each participant would consider their deceased to be loved
ones; however, it is important to note that not all bereaved considered their deceased ‘loved ones’.

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on grieving, specifically on exploring the experience of turning toward loss, rather than on the
expression of grief itself. Naturally the expression of grief was explored, as it manifested when
the participants were engaged with their grief, but the emphasis was on the experience of the
engagement with the loss, rather than on the expression of grief.
Theoretical Underpinnings and Empirical Findings
The purpose of this section is to situate the phenomenon of turning toward loss within the
field of grief and bereavement, including the relevant theories, models, and empirical studies of
grieving. Various grieving theories and models will be outlined, including the psychoanalytic
theory and grief work (Freud, 1917; Lindemann, 1944/94), attachment theory and the phase
model of mourning (Bowlby, 1980/98), continuing bonds theory (Klass, Silverman, & Nickman,
1996), task model of mourning (Worden, 2009), the dual process model of coping with
bereavement (Stroebe & Schut, 1999), the meaning reconstruction model (Gillies & Neimeyer,
2006), the existential-phenomenological relearning the world model (Attig, 2011), and the
Existential Analytic grieving model (Längle, 2014). The empirical findings regarding these
models will also be reviewed and critiqued.
Psychoanalytic Theory
It is not surprising, considering Freud’s widespread influence in psychology, that one of
the most influential descriptions of grieving appeared in Freud’s (1917) Mourning and
Melancholia. Although grieving has been artistically captured through mediums such as theater,
poetry, art, and narratives throughout history, Freud was the first to try to systematically study
the grieving process (Stroebe et al., 2008). In doing so, he made the universal, normal
experience of mourning a psychological phenomenon (Granek, 2010). The premise of his paper
was to differentiate between mourning, which is the expected reaction to loss, and melancholia,

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which is a pathological reaction to loss (Freud, 1917). Freud specifically differentiated these two
constructs by explaining that people who are mourning experience deprivation in their worlds,
whereas people with melancholia have deprived egos. Freud laid the groundwork for the
concept of grief work by stating that individuals must do their mourning work to free their egos.
Freud heavily influenced others’ work, such as Deutsch (1937), who pathologized grief and
emphasized detachment from the deceased, and Lindemann (1944/94) who further developed
grief work and asserted the importance of psychiatric intervention (cf. Granek, 2010).
Freud contended that grief work occurs when people remove their libidinal energy from
the dead (process referred to as decathexis) to place their libidinal energy in those who are living.
When people are initially bereaved, their bond with the deceased is intensified, known as
hypercathexis, but eventually the mourner realizes that the death is permanent and detaches
libidinal energies from the deceased (Noppe, 2000). It seems Freud has been misinterpreted on
two accounts. Firstly, he did not view mourning as a pathology, rather as a normal process
which takes time and is never finished (Granek, 2010). Secondly, Freud’s emphasis on
decathexis is not the same as detachment where the former is based on the psychoanalytic
perspective of drives, which are “more expendable, or more fluid” than relational bonds seen
from an attachment perspective (Field, 2008, p. 115). Regardless of these misinterpretations, his
contribution to research is well noted through past and present literature, as he significantly
impacted the trajectory of bereavement research (Hagman, 2001). One trajectory he heavily
influenced is the concept of grief work, or as Granek (2010) stated, “Freud put grief on the map,
Lindemann … charted the territory” (p. 57).
Grief work. While Freud was highly influential in the development of the grief work
concept, various researchers attributed much of the ensuing contributions to the psychiatrist

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Erich Lindemann (Granek, 2010; Stroebe & Schut, 2001). Lindemann (1944/94) used the term
‘grief work’ in his writings and described this as the desired way to grieve. He defined grief
work as “emancipation from the bondage to the deceased, readjustment to the environment in
which the deceased is missing, and the formation of new relationships” (p. 190). He came to this
formulation by observing 101 patients which including his own patients, who had lost relatives
during treatment, relatives of patients who died in the hospital, bereaved survivors of the
Cocoanut Grove Fire disaster and their relatives, as well as relatives of those in the armed forces.
Along with a description of pathological grief, he described a normal grief reaction which could
be worked through by doing one’s grief work. He contended that it is not enough for one who is
mourning to be comforted, but one needs to “review his relationships with the deceased”, work
through feelings associated with the loss, “find an acceptable formulation of his future
relationship to the deceased”, and find others to pursue new activities (p. 199). Essentially, this
concept hinges on the premise that grievers should confront their emotions to work through them
and reorganize their relationships with the deceased to assume new roles and to form new
relationships (Lindemann, 1944/94, 1963).
Contrary to Freud, Lindemann (1963) stated that if the grief work is done well, mourning
can be resolved within a short period of time. He also emphasized the need for psychiatric
intervention for those who are mourning to ensure their grief work is done thoroughly
(Lindemann, 1944/94). According to Lindemann, individuals who do not do their grief work
will not adjust socially and may acquire a psychiatric/medical condition. This paved the way for
mourning to be pathologized, hence the need for psychiatric and psychological intervention
(Granek, 2010). In summary, Lindemann (1963) referred to grief as adapting to the loss of a

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loved one by means of doing one’s grief work. This was a strongly held view until researchers
questioned the empirical support of such claims (Bonanno, 2001b; Stroebe, 2001).
Empirically, the evidence for supporting grief work is mixed and inconclusive. Stroebe
and Stroebe (1991) developed a study to test the efficacy of grief work. They defined grief work
as a “a cognitive process of confronting the reality of loss, of going over events that occurred
before and at the time of death, and of focusing on memories and working toward detachment
from the deceased” (p. 479). They interviewed 30 widows and 30 widowers at three points: four
to seven months, 14 months, and two years following the death of their spouses. The researchers
measured grief work in terms of confrontation and avoidance, where confrontation would be
considered working through the loss. Their results were mixed. The bereaved widowers seemed
to have better adjustment by doing their grief work, but there was no difference in adjustment for
the widows whether they confronted or avoided. They found that widowers who were depressed
were more likely to suppress their loss and that as time went on, individuals avoided their grief
less. Their results did not disconfirm grief work, but did not fully support the concept. They
concluded by stating that the grief work hypothesis may be an oversimplification, but more
research is needed.
Bonanno et al. (2005) conducted a quantitative study to assess whether doing one’s grief
work led to better adjustment. Like Stroebe and Stroebe (1991), they found conflicting results
that supported and disconfirmed grief work. One of the most notable findings was that grief
processing and grief avoidance were uncorrelated suggesting they are not on the same
continuum, as researchers had assumed. These assumptions may emerge due to different
conceptualizations of grief work due to researchers’ theoretical orientations. This has led to the
confusion surrounding the current definition of grief work and what it means to the field of

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thanatology today (Worden, 2015). Despite its different conceptualizations, the concept of grief
work has been pervasive during the twentieth century and has been heavily criticized within the
last few decades.
Critique of grief work. The psychoanalytic concept of grief work has undergone
numerous critiques (cf. Hagman, 1995, 2001; Stroebe, 1992-1993; Stroebe, Gergen, Gergen, &
Stroebe, 1996; Wortman & Silver, 1989). After thorough review of the psychoanalytic and
cotemporary literature on mourning, literature on cultural and historical influences, and his own
clinical observations, Hagman (1995, 2001) highlighted a few shortcomings of the
psychoanalytic theory of mourning. Firstly, he stated that this model is unsuitable to be
generalized, as it does not account for individual and cultural variation. Secondly, he pointed out
that the standard model does not recognize the relational aspects of mourning. He went on to
state that certain distress characteristic of grief is not always present and individuals seem to be
able to engage in social activities following the death of another. Hagman also stated that a
relationship with the deceased, through dialoguing with the deceased, is common following
bereavement and that any relinquishment that occurs may not be consciously chosen.
Other researchers have highlighted similar shortcomings of grief work. Stroebe and
Stroebe (1991) questioned the difference between grief work and rumination, where the former is
acceptable but the latter is not. Rumination was defined as “passively and repetitively focusing
on one's symptoms of distress and the circumstances surrounding those symptoms” (NolenHoeksema, McBride, & Larson, 1997, p. 855). Proponents of grief work did not address this
possible contradiction. And similarly to Hagman (1995, 2001), Stroebe and Stroebe (1991)
asserted its failure to account for interpersonal processes of grief and gender and cultural

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influences on grieving, as well as researchers’ failure to produce empirical support and their
unclear explanation of the framework (Stroebe & Stroebe, 1991).
Stroebe and Stroebe (1991) also critiqued that grief work does not account for the
effortful nature of constantly processing pain; however, Ihrmark, Hansen, Eklund, and Stodberg
(2011) explored individuals’ experiences of grief following participants’ attendance to the
Swedish Institute for Grief Recovery (SIGR). They described this program as being a clinical
implementation of the concept of grief work. Their findings supported the formal application of
grief work where most participants indicated the course positively impacted their grief. The
participants indicated they felt relief, which was the most significant impact, followed by being
more present, and feeling less fear and stress. Those participants who felt the course negatively
impacted them attributed this to being disappointed in not being able to rid themselves of grief as
well as becoming aware of the amount of grief work ahead of them. The researchers also noted
that those participants who were bereaved longer found the course more satisfying than those
more recently bereaved, suggesting that grief work may be more beneficial after the first year.
In addition to various critiques, there have been two components of grief work which
have been largely contested and have led to recent developments in the field. The first
component is the emphasis on detachment (Stroebe et al., 1996) and that failure to do so is
pathological (Klass, 2006). This has resulted in a paradigm shift in the field of thanatology,
where many researchers have shifted perspective from emphasizing the importance of
relinquishing bonds with the deceased to the importance of continuing bonds (Klass et al., 1996;
Russac et al., 2002). From this emerged the continuing bonds theory, which will be expanded
upon in this chapter. The second component of grief work which has been questioned is the
emphasis on working through the loss without consideration of the role of denial and avoidance

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in adjustment to loss (Bonanno, Papa, Lalande, Zhang, & Noll, 2005; Stroebe & Schut, 1999).
Stroebe and Schut’s (1999) critique of grief work led to the development of the dual process
model of coping with bereavement, which along with continuing bonds, is widely accepted in the
field of thanatology. The dual process model will also be explored further.
In summary, although the grief work theory has been criticized for its shortcomings
(Hagman, 1995, 2001; Wortman & Silver, 1989), there is evidence that supports its tenets of
expressing emotion and working through the loss (Bonanno et al., 2005; Ihrmark et al., 2011;
Stroebe & Stroebe, 1991). In light of support for grief work, there is still room for further
development and refinement of this theory. Perhaps one of the most important considerations
today is a “clearer definition of ‘working through’” (Worden, 2015, p. 101), because as Wortman
and Silver (1989) have ascertained, “assumptions about the grieving process” impact the way
researchers consider loss reactions and outcomes (p. 389).
Attachment Theory
Following the psychoanalytic theory of mourning came the advancement of attachment
theory and its application to bereavement studies. Bowlby’s (1980/98) theory of attachment and
his series, Attachment and Loss, have been one of the most significant contributions to
bereavement research and have heavily influenced current models of grieving (Meier, Carr,
Currier, & Neimeyer, 2013). Bowlby proponed a biological model attachment where humans
seek proximity to attachment figures as a mode of protection and survival (Field, Gao, &
Paderna, 2005; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2008). Bowlby originally studied infants’ attachments
with their mothers and noticed that infants had different attachment styles (Bowlby, 1969/89).
The infants would cry and search for their attachment figure, which is necessary for their
survival (Parkes & Prigerson, 2010). His theory was then expanded to include adults, and further

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expanded to explain the impact of attachment on the grieving process (Bowlby, 1980/98; Noppe,
2000). When people lose attachment figures, it is no longer possible to be physically close to
them; therefore, people cannot pursue this closeness, which causes great distress (Field et al.,
2005; Noppe, 2000; Parkes & Prigerson, 2010). Attachment theory is highly influential because
it explains how deep bonds are formed, and thus the reason intense emotional reactions ensue
following the loss of such bonds (Worden, 2009).
In light of his attachment theory, Bowlby (1980/98) proposed a phase model of mourning
where he drew upon numerous studies of widows and widowers. Two of these studies included
those in London and Boston, headed by his colleague, Colin Murray Parkes. From this data,
Bowlby identified four phases of mourning between which an individual oscillates. The first
phase is numbing, which is the shortest phase. He asserted that this phase may be disrupted by
intense emotional reactions, such as panic. The second phase is yearning and searching for the
deceased. This phase is considerably longer, taking months to years. In this second phase,
individuals begin to come to terms with the reality of their loss and feel intense pining for the
deceased. Bowlby described a tension in this phase where the individual yearns for reunion with
the deceased, but because this is painfully impossible, the individual may wish to rid themselves
of reminders of the deceased. The individual may also experience anger, weeping, and even
sense the presence of the deceased. The third phase is disorganization and despair and the fourth
phase is reorganization. Bowlby described these phases together, stating that if the second phase
could be withstood, recognition and acceptance of the permanence of the loss can lead to a
reshaping of life. The individual can pursue new situations and relationships as the future is
considered.

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It is important to note that Bowlby’s phases of mourning have also been scrutinized for
emphasizing the importance of relinquishing bonds (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2008); however, other
researchers contended that this is a misunderstanding of the term “reorganization” (Field, 2008;
Peskin, 1993). Bowlby (1980/98) did not assert that the bereaved should relinquish all ties to the
deceased, but rather accept that the deceased will not return and considering this, learn to live
and pursue other relationships. He even discussed the normalcy of the sense of presence
experience, which is considered a continuing bond that will be expanded upon further (cf.
Klugman, 2006). Another important consideration is that the phase model has been critiqued for
its linear pattern (Attig, 2011; Parkes & Prigerson, 2010). Parkes and Prigerson (2010) now refer
to the ‘phases of mourning’ as the ‘grieving process’ to accommodate the nonlinear nature of
grieving. Despite these critiques, Stroebe (2001) stated that attachment theory’s tenets, such as
attachment style and internal working models, impact the way people grieve. These impacts may
provide a greater understanding of the reasons why some bereaved people adapt to loss easier
than others; therefore, attachment theory is still prominent in the field of thanatology.
Most notably, there are many studies on how an individual’s attachment style may
influence adaptation, or maladaptation such as complicated grief, to bereavement (Meier et al.,
2013; Schenck, Eberle, & Rings, 2016). In the last decade, it seems there have been more
studies centered on the influences of attachment styles on bereavement adaptation than there
have been on Bowlby’s (1980/98) phase model of mourning. Attachment styles include secure
attachment and insecure attachment, where the latter is divided into three styles: dismissing or
avoidant, preoccupied or anxious, and disorganized (Stroebe, Schut, & Boerner, 2010). Secure
attachment is marked by being close to others, both depending on and being depended upon by
others. Dismissing styles find closeness with others uncomfortable. Preoccupied styles would

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like closeness with others but worry about separation. Disorganized styles are afraid of rejection
and are mistrustful, but they would like closeness with others (Stroebe et al., 2010).
Researchers have found that anxious attachment styles are linked with prolonged grief
symptoms (Field & Sundin, 2001) and emotional disturbances (Wijngaards-de Meij et al., 2007).
According to Meier et al. (2013), individuals may have an anxious attachment if they are
dependent on others and worry that others will not be present during crises. Conversely,
avoidant attachment styles prefer to be emotionally distant from others out of mistrust.
Some researchers have found diverging results from previous studies, namely in how
avoidant styles respond to bereavement. Wijngaards-de Meij et al. (2007) found that avoidant
styles led to a vulnerability of negative consequences of bereavement, whereas Fraley and
Bonanno (2004) found that avoidance can be adaptive and a sign of resilience. In a study to
explore the impact of attachment styles of grief reactions, Wayment and Vierthaler (2002) found
that individuals with anxious attachment styles were more likely than those with secure and
avoidant styles to experience grief and depression. People who were secure did not experience
grief more so than the other styles, but were less likely to experience depression whereas people
who were avoidant experienced more somatic symptoms. In summary, attachment theory is still
prominent in the grief and bereavement field, as attachment styles continue to be integrated with
other theories and models such as continuing bonds and the dual process model (cf. Stroebe et
al., 2010).
Continuing Bonds Theory
A significant shift in grief research began when Klass et al. (1996) proposed the
continuing bonds theory. The main premise of this theory is the hypothesis that individuals hold
onto their ties with the deceased after death, rather than relinquishing their relationships. In this

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way, attachment to the deceased is maintained in a new way and this is called continuing bonds
(Worden, 2009).
One of the first empirical studies of continuing bonds was by Klass (1993) who
conducted a ten-year ethnography of bereaved parents who were members of the Compassionate
Friends group. His data consisted of interviews, newsletter writings by members of
Compassionate Friends, and notes from meetings with bereaved parents. He found that parents
continued meaningful relationships with their children by incorporating an “inner representation”
of their child (p. 345). This inner representation gave them solace. He also found that these
inner representations with the deceased children were not only individually determined, but were
also maintained by others. He concluded his findings by describing three ways the inner
representations are maintained which include, objects that linked the survivors with the deceased,
religious ideas such as the child being incorporated into something larger, and memories of the
deceased children.
Klass (1999) has written extensively of continuing bonds as a result of his ethnography of
bereaved parents. He stated that the bereaved parents locate themselves within four schemes: (a)
newly bereaved (b) into their grief, (c) well along in their grief, and (d) resolved as much as it
will be. As bereaved parents move through the course of their grieving, the bond with their
children evolves and integrates into their lives. Silverman and Nickman (1996) stated that
continuing a bond with the deceased is “normal” and even “interactive” (p. 349). Survivors can
continue living while bringing the deceased along with them. For some researchers, this
assertion is the main point of departure from the psychoanalytic perspective of mourning,
specifically the concept of grief work, with the aim to relinquish ties (Russac et al., 2002).
Although some researchers stated that Bowlby asserted the importance of relinquishing bonds

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when he described the phase of reorganization (Klass, 1993), it seems he stated the opposite
(1980/1998):
For many widows and widowers is precisely because they are willing for their feelings of
attachment to the dead spouse to persist that their sense of identity is preserved and they
become able to reorganize their lives along lines they find meaningful. That for many
bereaved people is the preferred solution to their dilemma has for too long gone
unrecognized. (p. 98)
Further yet, Parkes and Prigerson (2010) referred to continuing bonds as compatible with
yearning and searching where continuing bonds would be a finding response to the searching
component of grieving. In light of this, Field (2008) has asserted the need to nuance working
through grief and continuing bonds with the deceased, rather than viewing these two perspectives
as conflicting paradigms.
Continuing bonds theory was a much-needed departure from the overemphasis on
relinquishing ties with the deceased, but what exactly does continuing bonds mean? There are
numerous factors that influence how bonds are developed, such as the type of bond the survivors
had when the deceased were alive, survivors’ level of development, personality and attachment
style, culture, religion, and family systems (Klass & Walter, 2001; Silverman & Nickman, 1996).
Researchers have also attempted to identify types of bonds with the deceased. Individuals may
maintain bonds by talking about the dead to other people, talking to the dead, or using the dead
as a moral compass (Klass & Walter, 2001). Field and Filanosky (2010) divided types of bonds
into two categories: internalized continued bonds and externalized continued bonds. An example
of an internalized bond is thinking about the deceased whereas an externalized bond is seeing or
hearing the deceased. The latter is commonly referred to in the literature as sense of presence,

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usually by those who conceptualize this phenomenon as normal, accepted, and even spiritual
(Steffen & Coyle, 2011). Even Bowlby (1980/1998) used the term “sense of continuing
presence” (p. 96); however, it is unclear whether Bowlby was referring to such a presence in the
way it is conceptualized today.
Sense of presence is one of the most controversial types of bonds, as some researchers
have considered this phenomenon to be hallucinations and indicative of complicated grief (Field
& Filanosky, 2010). Klass and Walter (2001) explained that the people in modern Western
cultures do not have the framework to incorporate the sense of presence experience as a part of
life. If this is so, sensing the presence of the deceased may be viewed as pathological.
Following a study of post-death contact, Klugman (2006) asserted that the sense of presence
phenomenon is more pervasive than once believed, which contrasts with the pathology
standpoint. The Western framework of the medical model is often used in exploring types of
bonds; however, Klass et al. (1996) did not view continuing bonds theory as compatible with this
framework. In adopting the medical model, researchers have begun to classify certain types of
bonds as either adaptive or maladaptive (Boelen, Stroebe, Schut, & Zijerveld, 2006); however,
findings from studies of varying cultures and religions have identified continuing bonds has a
normal and accepted way to grieve (cf. Hussein & Oyebode, 2009; Klass, 2014, 2015; Lalande &
Bonanno, 2006).
One such study was conducted by Suhail, Jamil, Oyebode, and Ajmal (2011) where they
explored Pakistani Muslims’ relationships to their deceased relatives and the ensuing impacts on
their religious and cultural beliefs. They found that culture helped facilitate continuing bonds
through rituals, which also enabled the bereaved to talk about the deceased. They also found that
religion was helpful in the bereaved individuals’ coping processes and adjustment to their losses.

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The researchers identified various continuing bonds, such as sense of presence, communication
with the deceased, holding on to the deceased’s possessions and reliving their relationship with
them. They also found the bereaved would talk about the deceased with others, find meaning
from the deceased’s lives and continued their legacy.
Along with findings which support continuing bonds across cultures, the continuing
bonds theory has also been integrated with other grieving models, such as attachment theory (cf.
Currier, Irish, Neimeyer, & Foster, 2015; Field et al., 2005), and grief work (cf. Russac et al.,
2002). Stroebe et al. (2010) explored how individuals’ attachment styles impact their bonds with
the deceased. They found that individuals with secure attachment styles are the most adaptive in
their grieving and could continue a relationship with the deceased. Bereaved individuals with
insecure preoccupied attachment would continue their relationship with the deceased in a
maladaptive way and would benefit from loosening their ties. Conversely, they found that
individuals with insecure dismissing styles would benefit from working through their loss and
continuing their bonds. Lastly, bereaved individuals with insecure fearful styles would benefit
from help in continuing their bonds with the deceased.
Another influential area of research is the comparison between the grief work and
continuing bonds theory. Based on the assumption that grief work involves relinquishing ties
and continuing bonds involves maintaining ties, Russac et al. (2002) explored whether these
seemingly oppositional theories could be integrated, or if there are grounds for continuing bonds
theory to replace grief work. To do so, they recruited 60 psychology students who were actively
grieving losses. They then matched a control group of non-bereaved participants according to
age, gender, and relationship to the deceased. The participants who were grieving were required
to evaluate their grief status via questionnaire. Their results supported both grief work and

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continuing bonds theory. The participants experienced strong grief regardless of the amount of
time since the death of their loved ones. Many participants continued their relationship with the
deceased, but did perceive less closeness with the deceased overtime. They concluded that
neither grief work nor continuing bonds theory could completely alone capture participants
grieving experiences, as both theories seemed to be present. They suggested that integration of
these theories may be useful. In summary, the continuing bonds theory seems to be well
supported across cultures and can be integrated with other grieving models.
Tasks of Mourning Model
Worden (2009), who was informed by the concept of grief work, posited that mourning
involves attending to four tasks to adapt to the loss of a loved one. The four tasks in his model
included (a) accepting the reality of the loss, (b) processing the pain of grief, (c) adjusting to the
world without the deceased, and (d) continuing connection with the deceased and connecting to
life once more. Worden claimed that denial would be failing to accept the reality of the loss
intellectually and emotionally. His task of processing the pain of grief involved working through
the loss by choosing to feel the pain. He stated that failing to do this may result in somatic
symptoms or abnormal behaviour. Worden divided the third task into different types of
adjustment including external, internal, and spiritual adjustment. The mourner may need to
adopt new roles and meet different demands, they may experience a change in sense of self, and
may need to adjust to different a different worldview because of the loss. If individuals are
unable to do this task, they will not be able to adapt. The fourth task is similar to continuing
bonds theory in which the mourner continues a relationship with the deceased in a way that
allows the mourner to build new relationships with others. Failing to do so may prevent the
mourner from reconnecting with life.

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A strength of Worden’s (2009) task model is that he addressed specific factors that
impact an individual’s grieving, which he refers to as the mediators of mourning. Some of these
mediators included the nature of the death, the relationship with the deceased, and personal and
social variables. However, Worden’s model has been critiqued for the use of tasks due to the
suggestion that tasks refer linear activities that can be completed (Attig, 2011). Worden (2009)
has clarified this, when he stated that the term ‘task’ reflects the active nature of mourning, and
that the tasks of his model are more fluid and may be pursued simultaneously.
Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement
The dual process model of coping with bereavement (DPM) was developed by Stroebe
and Schut (1999) in response to their dissatisfaction with grief work and their unanswered
questions with attachment theory. They specified that the grief work hypothesis does not
account for multiple stressors related to bereavement, the benefits of denial, the influences of
interpersonal dynamics, outcomes apart from health such as well-being, and gender and cultural
differences. They also indicated that attachment theory is only centered around one stressor: the
loss of an attachment figure. They asserted that there are multiple stressors that come with being
bereaved that need to be addressed. Due to their unanswered questions, they explored coping
theories. One which largely informed them was cognitive stress theory. Lazarus and Folkman
(1984) developed the cognitive stress theory, asserting that stressors are assessed as either
stressful or challenging, and then one decides whether problem-focused coping or emotionfocusing coping is suitable in dealing with the stressor. The former is used for changeable
situations and the latter in unchangeable situations. They defined coping as one’s thoughts and
behaviours that help to manage the internal and external stressors of a given situation. Folkman
(2001) later revised the theory to include positive affect alongside problem-focused coping,

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which emerged from her study of caregivers of partners with AIDS and their coping. On the
other hand, Lazarus (1999) radically changed his approach to coping, suggesting emotion as
superordinate to coping and stress.
Stroebe and Schut (1999) found that the cognitive stress theory did not translate
completely with the grieving process since bereavement included multiple stressors, such as the
loss of another and the stressor of the emotion grief. They also asserted that the cognitive stress
theory failed to address “approach and avoidance between the various stressors associated with
bereavement” (p. 211). As a result, they developed the dual process model which is comprised
of loss-oriented coping and restoration-oriented coping. Loss-oriented coping is in response to
loss-oriented stressors which encompass the pain associated with the death. When people are in
loss-orientation, they are doing grief work (Stroebe et al., 2005). Conversely, restorationoriented coping is a way to avoid one’s grief and to respond to other stressors that occur due to
bereavement, such as taking on new roles. Stroebe and Schut (1999) clarified that restorationorientation is not directed toward outcome, but rather encompasses the stressors and the ways
individuals deal with them. Another major premise of the model is that the death of a significant
other elicits these stressors simultaneously, so one needs to learn to cope with both loss and
restoration. They do so by oscillating between loss-orientation and restoration-orientation.
In response to the growing body of empirical studies of the DPM, Stroebe and Schut
(2010) outlined some guidelines for empirically testing the model. They asserted the importance
of differentiating between stressors, coping, and outcome, as well as cautioning researchers the
challenge of studying the dynamic process of oscillation. They stated that further research on the
DPM is necessary, specifically in advancing the framework, specifying specific processes, and

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assessing the DPM in its “power in predicting good versus poor adjustment to bereavement”
(Stroebe & Schut, 2010, p. 287).
One study which explored the DPM and adjustment was conducted by Bennett, Gibbons,
and Mackenzie-Smith (2010) who used interviews of 46 widows and 46 widowers from a
previous study. They coded the interviews by identifying loss orientation (LO) and restoration
orientation (RO) stressors and the frequency of their appearance. They found that grief intrusion
(LO) and new roles/identities/relationships ([RIR], RO) were associated with well adjustment
whereas denial/avoidance (RO) and distraction from grief (RO) were associated with poor
adjustment. They also found that those with new RIR led to better adjustment than those who
simply do new things. Like other researchers studying the DPM (cf. Richardson & Balaswamy,
2001), Bennet et al. (2010) noted the influence of time on adjustment and the need to incorporate
this factor into future studies of the DPM.
In their phenomenological study of the DPM, Fasse and Zech (2016) identified other
important considerations, including participants’ resonance with the model and how participants
experienced LO and RO in their grieving. Many of their participants found LO and RO less
distinct than the model suggests, and upon analysis of the interviews, the researchers found that
LO and RO were interdependent categories. They expanded this by stating that the participants
did not distinguish between LO and RO because coping with these stressors were reported as
mixed and were “practically one and the same” (p. 221). The researchers also found that not all
coping is conscious and intentional, especially with LO coping. Furthermore, some participants
did not consider themselves coping per se, but rather choosing to live. The participants also
pursued activities of respite, and it was unclear whether these were RO coping mechanisms in
response to grief or if they were activities that had little to do with grief. The researchers

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suggested an expansion of the model that would include not only oscillation between
bereavement stressors, but also everyday activities apart from bereavement.
Coping theories have gained prominence in bereavement research, and the DPM’s unique
framework is pervasive in the literature (cf. Parkes & Prigerson, 2010; Worden, 2009). Some
researchers even contended that it is a possible replacement for grief work (Russac et al., 2002);
however, researchers have also highlighted areas that need further study (Bennet et al., 2010;
Fasse & Zech, 2016). Carr (2010) raised important questions, such as whether individuals
oscillate actively or passively, what the ideal balance between the two stressors are, and at what
point people need to engage in one versus the other. There is still a need for research to validate
this model (Stroebe & Schut, 2010).
Meaning Reconstruction Model
Along with the growing body of research in support of continuing bonds and coping
processes, models of meaning-making theories have been influential in conceptualizing grieving.
Hibberd (2013) stated that amidst people’s grief is a felt sense of meaninglessness. One model
centered on the significance of meaning-making is the constructivist model of meaning
reconstruction (Gillies & Neimeyer, 2006). The first dimension of this model is sense-making in
which individuals ask questions surrounding the death in hopes of making sense of the loss.
There may be a bidirectional relationship between distress and sense-making where higher levels
of distress may prompt sense-making processes and sense-making may lessen distress. Hibberd
(2013) described sense making as either fitting with one’s pre-existing worldview, or changing
one’s worldview to incorporate the loss. Finding benefit to the loss involves “building new
meaning structures” and this may not occur until a considerable amount of time following the
loss (Gillies & Neimeyer, 2006, p. 37). There is also a close relationship with identity and

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meaning where reconstructing meaning impacts people’s sense of selves. One’s worldview
before the loss may provide meaning after the death, or the worldview will be altered to
incorporate the death.
Some researchers, like Hibberd (2013), have highlighted the importance of life
significance in addition to sense-making. The premise of life significance is “transcendent”
where “making sense of” provides “connection” with life (p. 679). She distinguished these two
constructs by the questions they invoke, as sense-making is concerned with ‘why’ and life
significance is concerned with purpose. She stated that individuals may be able to make sense of
the loss but still find life not worth living, and therefore, there is a depletion of life significance.
In summary, the meaning reconstruction model is a more recent model to bereavement research
and is continuing to grow as people gravitate toward meaning-making mechanisms of grieving.
Relearning the World Model
An additional grieving model is Attig’s (2001, 2011) existential-phenomenological model
of grieving. Having a philosophical background, Attig (2011) drew upon his teaching and
writing of death and dying, as well as his clinical experience with the bereaved and formulated
the holistic model of relearning the world. He posited that individuals are required to learn their
worlds in “all facets of their being” following the loss of a loved one (p. 106). Attig went
beyond a biological approach to mourning like attachment theory, or a cognitive approach like
the DPM, when he stated:
As we grieve, we appropriate new understandings of the world and ourselves with in it.
We also become different in the light of the loss as we assume a new orientation to the
world. As we relearn, we adjust emotional and other psychological responses and
postures. We transform habits, motivations, and behaviors. We find new ways to meet

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biological needs. We reshape our interactions and connections with others. And we
change understandings and interpretations and alter spiritual perspectives. (pp. 107-108)
In relearning the world, bereaved individuals actively choose to grieve on many different
levels—emotionally, physically, cognitively, biological, relationally, and spirituality. Relearning
the world consists of relearning one’s physical surroundings, oneself in context, one’s
relationship with other survivors, and one’s spatial, temporal, and spiritual place in the world.
Relearning our selves means that we reintegrate with others and restore life patterns, build
resiliency in engaging with and moving beyond the pain, undergo self-transformation, transcend
suffering, restore our shattered beings, connect to a new direction and sense of purpose, and
reshape our communities and relationships with others. Much of what encompasses relearning
the self has relational consequences. The essential component of relearning our selves is that we
do not exist as completed beings in isolation, but rather we are constantly becoming and
intertwined in a network of relationships. Relearning relationships with the deceased means that
“as we grieve, we learn to live in separation” (p. 170). Individuals connect with the deceased in a
new way, holding on to memories or what the deceased cared about, but letting the reality of
their absence be as it is.
In addition to describing the ways in which individuals grieve by relearning the world,
Attig (2004) also distinguished between the grief reaction immediately following bereavement,
and the active grieving response. He described the grief reaction as an emotional reaction that
happens to the bereaved whereas the grieving response is chosen. He wrote of the bereaved who
choose to grieve their losses:
We engage with the loss, come to terms with our reactions to it, reshape our daily life
patterns, and redirect our life stories in the light of what has happened. We respond as the

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multi-dimensional beings we are: We exert physical energy. We work through and
express emotion. We change motivations, habits, and behavior. We modify relationships.
We return home to familiar meanings in life. We stretch into inevitably new meanings.
And we change ourselves in the process. (p. 343)
Attig’s model of grieving is an extension of grief work, where he expounded the importance of
engaging with one’s grief to deal with loss. He also aligned with the continuing bonds theory;
however, he stated that although continuing bonds has gained prominence in the field of
thanatology in the last few decades, the concept is not new as people have been maintaining ties
with the deceased for centuries (T. Attig, personal communication, June 11, 2016). Attig’s
(2011) holistic model remains a significant contribution to the field.
Existential Analysis
Currently there is much emphasis on grief work, attachment, continuing bonds, and
mechanisms of coping in the bereavement literature. In their model of grieving, Existential
Analysts include tenets of the aforementioned theories and models, such as allowing oneself to
experience grief, maintaining relationship with the deceased, and coping with the loss. This
section will provide an overview of Existential Analysis (EA), specifically exploring the
concepts of turning towards, the grieving model, coping reactions, and emotional processing.
Existential Analysis psychotherapy. EA is a phenomenological approach that aims to
support individuals in leading a fulfilling existence by helping them live with an inner ‘yes’
(Längle, 2005). Längle (2005) described EA as consisting of four fundamental realities of
existence: (1) the world including the physical structures that support human existence, such as
one’s own body; (2) life, which is comprised of relationships, values, and emotions; (3) “being
oneself” as a unique individual (p. 6); and (4) the future, shaped by our choices and actions.

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Every individual’s motivations are situated within these realities, which are representative of the
four fundamental motivations or conditions for existence.
The first fundamental motivation (FM1) addresses the reality that every living person
exists, and therefore is (Längle, 2004). Each person asks the question, “can I be?” There are
certain conditions that need to be fulfilled for a person to fully be in this world, which are
protection, space, and support. Having these conditions satisfied makes it possible for the
individual to actively endure and accept circumstances in their life.
The second fundamental motivation (FM2) brings up another question, “do I like being
alive?” (Längle, 2013). This question requires the individual to reflect on what makes life worth
living or valuable. The three necessary conditions to answering this question are: relationships,
time, and closeness. For an individual to connect with life, one needs to turn toward life and
engage with it. This will be described in more detail as it pertains to grief in the following
section.
The third fundamental motivation (FM3) is directed toward the individual’s own
personhood and asks, “may I be myself?” (Längle, 2005). Individuals who answer ‘yes’ to this
question can embrace their own uniqueness, despite their essential aloneness. To develop this
fundamental capacity of be one’s unique self, individuals need attention, justice, and
appreciation, and fulfilling this condition allows one to be authentic. This condition also requires
individuals to actively accept themselves through encountering the self and others. To encounter
oneself is to stand by, with, or alongside oneself.
Whereas the first three fundamental motivations have addressed the individual’s
relationship with the world, others, and self, the fourth fundamental motivation (FM4) is selftranscendent, as the individual goes beyond oneself and asks, “for what purpose do I exist?”

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(Längle, 2005). The three conditions required to answer this question are “a field of activity, a
structural context and a value to be realized in the future” (p. 11). In other words, individuals
need a place to belong where they can connect with the larger context and work toward realizing
more in life. To fulfill this fourth existential motivation, an individual must adopt a
phenomenological attitude of openness to what life is asking of the individual.
These four fundamental existential motivations address the individual in the context of
the world, relationships, self, and the noetic or spiritual realm. When people are bereaved,
questions of capacity to be, value, self, and meaning arise. According to Existential Analysists,
bereaved people grieve by turning toward their losses.
Turning toward. To understand grieving from an Existential Analytic perspective, it is
necessary to explore the activity of ‘turning toward’ as the personal activity of the second
fundamental motivation. Turning toward is defined as “entering a relationship, taking time, and
creating closeness while being connected emotionally with oneself” (Längle, 2013). It is an
active process of movement in which individuals focus their attention and create bridges between
themselves and the people or objects they are turning toward. This bridge creates the space for
movement to take place, which allows each individual to encounter the other. When people are
turning toward, they are making a statement about what they value. Their attitude reflects their
willingness to connect with others, devote their time, and create closeness. Turning toward
others also requires the individual to turn toward oneself. In doing so, individuals become more
intimately acquainted with their own emotions and their capacity to be close with themselves.
They also experience an inner freedom and sense of fulfillment.
Coping reactions of FM2. By its description alone, turning toward seems like an
activity that is easier done when individuals like what they are encountering. However, life is

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full of circumstances that individuals strongly dislike. Often in these situations, individuals turn
to coping reactions as a means of dealing with their dislike. In EA, coping reactions are defined
as automatic behavioural reactions aimed at protecting the self from situations experienced as
dangerous or harmful whereby the behaviours use the least amount of effort with no intent of
resolving the problem (Längle, 2004).
Längle (2013) divided the coping reactions of the FM2 into four types: (1) basic
movement; (2) paradoxical reaction; (3) aggression; and (4) resignation by feigning death. The
first coping reaction requires the least amount of energy and it is the newest to evolve, whereas
the last coping reaction requires the most energy and it is usually very primitive. When people
are faced with an undesirable situation, they may first attempt to retreat, avoid, or withdraw from
the situation. This may manifest as distancing, detachment, procrastination, or daydreaming.
When this type of coping is not an option or proves insufficient, individuals may become
hyperactive (i.e., paradoxical reaction). This could be a tendency to over-achieve, complain,
compare oneself with others, or attempt to regroup by using distractions. When individuals are
faced with intense dislike in relationships, they may become aggressive by using rage as a
protective mechanism. This may seem counterintuitive, but rage is a final attempt to hold onto
the value of the relationship. It is referred to as the “surging of life” that requires much energy in
the effort to “shake or wake the other up” (Längle, 2013). When these coping reactions are
insufficient, the fourth coping reaction is used, which is aimed to preserve the self. In essence, it
is at this point where individuals give up and numb their feelings. They may develop apathy
with little hope for restoration, or worse, resignation where they lose all hope. Resignation
results in exhaustion, leaving individuals in a state of paralysis. The result is often the death of
relationships with others and with oneself.

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In EA, the activity of turning toward and the coping reactions are closely related to
grieving. For many bereaved, grief may be disdained, something to be coped with by activating
a plethora of coping reactions; however, it is important to turn toward one’s loss and engage with
the felt grief. In EA, this is essentially what it means to grieve.
Grieving. Längle (2013) defines grieving as “the personal dealing with the loss of life
which is now felt” and the change in state of being “requires a new relating to life” (p. 46). The
connection of life is brought to the forefront as individuals suffer the loss of what they value.
For individuals in this study, they are suffering the losses of their deceased loved ones. When
people grieve, they are turned toward themselves and in doing so, have created closeness with
themselves (Längle, 2013). This is done through the process of “letting be” in which an
individual allows themselves to experience their feelings of loss. By letting be, the individual is
not evaluating feelings or keeping busy, but being present to the surfacing emotion.
Emotionality is crucial to one’s existence in the world (Längle, 2011). Without feeling,
fulfillment cannot be fully experienced. Emotionality is especially central to grieving
considering the range of feeling housed within one’s grief. Emotions originate from something
drawing close and touching the person, at which the person is moved within and feels a certain
energy, which leads to the experience of an emotion. In this way, emotion emerges from turning
toward and relating to something, such as being bereaved. In EA, emotion is considered in two
ways, namely primary and integrated emotion (Längle, 2013). In the context of grieving,
primary emotion is the immediate feeling which arises as a result of being bereaved. It is an
affective reaction and a spontaneous impulse that cannot be avoided, which may emerge
consciously or unconsciously. Integrated emotions are integrated into the person and the

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person’s worldview. Integrated emotions are stable, reflecting individuals’ values, and have an
element of inner resonance.
In EA, emotions are closely related to values and this is important in the context of
grieving. In this study, the deceased are referred to as loved ones. The description of the
deceased as loved reflects how deeply the bereaved valued the ones they lost. Emotions, many
of which are painful, then arise as a result of the lost value of the other. Essentially, in turning
toward loss, the individual is turning toward one’s emotions. This attunement with the self
creates closeness and informs the individual that although there is suffering, the relationship with
self persists. The individual can begin accepting their relationship with their loss, which
connects the individual to the “flow of life”. This in turn once again results in emotion. Längle
(2011) describes the intimate relationship between life and feelings when he states, “it is life that
evokes feelings and wakes up within feelings” (p. 45). Emotions are central to grieving, but it is
important to note that an individual cannot remain in a constant state of grief. Contrary to
Lindemann’s (1944/94) assertion of working through grief until it is finished, Existential
Analysts recognize the need for individuals to seek respite from feeling grief, which may include
coping.
EA phases of grieving. The Existential Analytic model of grieving involves descriptions
of inner and outer poles of grieving, in which the inner pole describes the personal grieving
experience of the bereaved and the outer pole describes how the bereaved is accompanied by
others in their grief (Längle, 2013). I will first provide a description of this inner pole of
grieving, which is divided into three phases that are unique in duration for every individual
(Längle, 2013). The first phase is facing the loss and letting be all that comes with it. Central to
this phase is the ability of the bereaved to give up resistance to the grief. It is only until this is

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accomplished that the individual can begin grieving and healing. Existential Analysts also
address the function of crying in response to grieving. Crying is the evidence that life is still
flowing within the surviving individuals in spite of their tragic losses. Lamott (2014) recalled
her experience of grieving her best friend when she stated, “the more often I cried in my room …
and felt just generally wretched, the more often I started to have occasional moments of utter
joy” (p. 34). This statement reflects the healing nature of allowing oneself to feel the pangs of
grief.
Once the bereaved allow the reality of the death to be felt, they can enter into the second
phase of grieving: inner dialogue (Längle, 2013). Talking with oneself provides closeness,
warmth, and care. The felt closeness is the result of empathizing with oneself and allowing
feelings of pity to emerge. Although staying in self-pity is detrimental, it is healing to
acknowledge the woes of losing someone significant. Warmth is created through consoling
oneself. The bereaved individual cares for oneself by turning toward the self, which allows the
individual to become attuned to one’s needs, whether it be solitude or relationship.
The third phase of grieving is the orientation phase in which the bereaved orient
themselves toward the future and contemplate its value (Längle, 2013). This phase also involves
the transition into a new way of being and into new relationships with self and others. In
congruence with the continuing bonds theory, the individual transforms their relationship with
the deceased. They may consent to their life circumstances and place value in their newfound
relationships. To reiterate, the inner pole of the EA model of grieving involves three phases;
however, this study explores one specific activity of grieving and how it is lived through: turning
toward loss.

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The outer pole of the EA model of grieving is referred to as grief accompaniment
(Längle, 2013), where bereaved individuals are accompanied by others as they grieve. This
accompaniment closely resembles the phases of the inner pole, where individuals who are
supporting the bereaved: (1) provide presence through being there, with an emphasis placed on
presence with wordlessness; (2) turn toward the bereaved by coming close, being empathic, and
offering encouragement, comfort, and care; and (3) help the bereaved consent and reorient to life
and work on their relationship with the deceased.
In summary, EA is a psychotherapy aimed at helping individuals live freely and
authentically (Längle, 2005). The basic activity of FM2 is turning toward, which involves
opening oneself to engage in relationships and one’s values. From an Existential Analytic
perspective, grieving is viewed as the personal dealing with life’s losses, with the essential
activity being turning toward these losses. Existential Analysts view grieving in terms of an
inner and outer pole, where the inner pole involves three phases in which the griever accepts the
reality of the loss, engages in inner dialogue, and reorients to life, and the outer pole involves
accompanying the bereaved through these phases.
Summary
The field of thanatology is ripe with theories and models of grieving, from the
psychoanalytic theory where grief work originated (Freud 1917; Lindemann 1944/94, 1963) to
Bowlby’s (1980/98) attachment theory to the more recent continuing bonds theory (Klass et al.,
1996). There have been notable shifts in approaches to grieving. One of the most significant
changes upon the turn of the twenty-first century is the paradigmatic shift from the emphasis on
relinquishing ties to continuing bonds with the deceased (Russac et al., 2002). Many
contemporary researchers recognize the importance of maintaining connection with the deceased

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and have consistently emphasized this (cf. Attig, 2011; Klass, 1999; Längle, 2013) and some
researchers, such as Worden (2009), have changed their models to incorporate this theory.
Another shift has been away from stage models of grieving such as Bowlby’s (1980/98) phases
of mourning or Kübler-Ross’s stages of dying which were translated to stages of grief (KüblerRoss & Kessler, 2005). The stage model poses a theoretical limitation because these models
suggest that there are distinct, linear stages in grief (Klass, 1999). The stage model carries false
assumptions such that people grieve predictably by moving through these stages in succession
and that individuals grieve passively and uniformly (Attig, 1990). An approach to grieving
which is not well known in the field of thanatology is the Existential Analytic model of grieving
where individuals personally deal with their losses by turning toward them. In consideration that
the aim of this study is to explore individuals’ lived experiences of grieving, specifically turning
toward loss, certain theoretical limitations will now be explored.
Limitations of Extant Literature
After reviewing the theoretical approaches and integrative models, there have been areas
of focus in grieving research that have both advanced and limited the field of grief and
bereavement. Arising from a paradigmatic shift away from the concept of grief work, which has
been pervasive in the last century, there is presently an emphasis placed on coping with
bereavement, particularly spurred by the DPM of bereavement (cf. Stroebe & Schut, 1999;
Wortman & Silver, 1989). There have been many studies conducted on the DPM since its
formulation, and there is a steadily growing body of research on this model (cf. Stroebe & Schut,
2010). One potential limitation of this area of study is the overemphasis on the role of coping in
bereavement, which raises the question of the relationship between grieving and coping. Often

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these terms are used interchangeably in the literature (cf. Attig, 2011; Worden, 2009), but it is
unclear if these constructs are identical or distinct.
Another limitation that arises from the emphasis on coping in bereavement literature was
stated by Bonanno (2001a) when he asserted that there is a lack of empirical studies on the role
of emotion in bereavement. It is curious that there is a paucity of literature on emotions in
grieving, given that many researchers agree grieving involves largely an affective component (cf.
Stroebe et al., 2008). However, the coping literature in bereavement has been heavily influenced
by cognitive theorists; therefore, emotionality has been seemingly overlooked in its role in
grieving. It seems that in some way, the question of how people grieve following the death of a
significant other has been replaced by question of how people cope with their bereavement.
Another limitation is that many empirical studies have been focused on pathological
grieving (Neimeyer & Hogan, 2001). As mentioned, there is much research available on
complicated or traumatic grief, but less so on a normal course of grieving. One reason for the
growing body of literature on pathological grief may be that specific symptomology of grief is
easier to measure. There are numerous quantitative studies that employ grief scales and selfreport questionnaires aimed at measuring complicated grief (Baker et al., 2016; Diminich &
Bonanno, 2014; Latham & Prigerson, 2004). However, some researchers lobbied for a more
holistic view of grieving that allows for the complexity of grieving to unfold (Attig, 2011;
Granek, 2013). Qualitative studies seem to be able to provide this, and Neimeyer and Hogan
(2001) stated that the strength of qualitative studies is that they “begin to paint a picture of
bereavement that is far more complex and less tidy than that suggested by the artificially
simplified and controlled canvasses of quantitative questionnaires” (p. 113). Overall, the grief

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bereavement field could benefit from more qualitative studies on non-pathological courses of
grieving.
In addressing the need for further research on grieving, Bonanno (2001b) posed
numerous questions, one of which was, “what happens when people grieve?” (p. 720). Granek
(2013) expounded that grief research has been “framed within a medical, scholarly, scientific
model”, which limits the very nature of “grief and loss in its complexity and its depth” (pp. 266267). Therefore, to answer a question like Bonanno’s (2001b), there is a need to take seriously
the consequences of remaining in the medical and scientific frame when researching grief.
Consequently, a question about the nature of grieving would benefit from a certain openness and
sensitivity to the unique experiences of those who are willing to share. Granek and O’Rourke
(2011) conducted an informal survey of people’s lived experiences of grieving. Granek (2013)
discussed the results of this survey and identified the need for further phenomenological studies
of grieving which give space for people’s “existential understanding”, which many scientific
methods do not (p. 282). Granek is not the only one calling for phenomenological studies of
grieving, as Attig (1990) has argued its importance in the field of thanatology for many years.
He stated:
None of us is a statistical or average person. We are flesh-and-blood individuals whose
experiences vary considerably from any general tendencies captured in statements of
probability. We live and grieve in those variations. The stage and phase and medical
ideas of grieving provide no clues about the ranges of such variations in our living and
grieving that others must come to know and appreciate if they are to respect the
uniqueness of our experiences. (p. 44)

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It is beneficial for researchers to draw close to the complexities of grieving when studying it to
better capture the personal nature of another’s grieving and how it is experienced. Authors of the
Center for Advancement of Health’s ([CAH], 2004) bereavement and grief research report stated
that one of the challenges of research is “maximiz[ing] its ‘experiential proximity’ to providers”
(p. 513). In the context of bereavement, one of the goals in research is to inform practice in
caring for those who are bereaved. The hope is that this phenomenological, qualitative research
will in turn impact how grieving individuals are supported on a personal-relational, societal, and
clinical level.
Rationale for This Study
Essentially, this study emerged from my personal experience of being moved by a sense
of wonder about turning towards loss as a fundamental, shared human experience. As I engaged
with the research literature on grief, I became aware of several important limitations that
strengthened my personal desire to conduct this study. Thus, this project is born out of my deep,
personal experience related to grieving, and it is grounded in the extant grief research as it strives
to address some significant limitations in the field, such as: the need to explore the phenomenon
of grieving, particularly active grieving (i.e., turning toward loss), and the lived experiences of
the grievers; the need to understand the experiential nuances of coping and grieving; and the urge
to adopt a holistic perspective on grief to complement the dominant medicalized, pathologizing
stance.
Whereas the reviewed theory and empirical findings served to situate the phenomenon
and to outline research gaps in the area of grief research, this thesis primarily stemmed out of my
own personal experience of having turned away from my own grief, and from learning about the
concept of turning toward loss from my EA clinical training. From this place, questions of

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grieving emerged, such as: how do people grieve and what does it mean to do so? In essence, I
chose to pursue once more “the deep engagement we had with the sheer humanness of mourning
and the transformative power of grief” (Granek, 2013, p. 280) by using a hermeneutic
phenomenological method to explore the question, what is the lived experience of turning toward
loss?

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CHAPTER 3: METHOD

There is still room for advancement in knowledge and understanding to enhance the
growing body of bereavement research. Numerous research methods could potentially address
the gaps in grief literature, but the results may vary depending on the methodology and its
assumptions. As mentioned, grief and bereavement research has undergone a paradigmatic shift
from the grief work hypothesis to continuing bonds and coping theories (Russac et al., 2002).
This has led to many recent developments in the field, such as new theories and models that
address grieving; however, as Husserl (1911/80) has famously stated, there is a need to go back
“to the things themselves” (p. 116). It is important amidst these new developments to continue
considering the lived experiences of those who are grieving. More specifically, this study aims
to explore the lived experiences of turning toward the loss of a deeply valued relationship. The
key phrase in this section is lived experience, which is an integral element of phenomenological
studies. This section outlines the paradigmatic assumptions, methodology and analytic
procedure of hermeneutic phenomenology.
Research Paradigm
Guba and Lincoln (1994) have described paradigms as “set[s] of basic beliefs” and
“worldviews” that influence the way research is conducted (p. 107). They go further to describe
certain paradigms as inquiry paradigms which answer three basic questions of ontology,
epistemology, and methodology. Ontological questions ask the researcher to consider the nature
of reality and how it can be measured. Questions of epistemology are oriented toward what can
be known and its relationship with the knower. Methodological questions require the researcher
to consider how to research or measure what can be known.

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There are various paradigms, but some researchers have narrowed the paradigms to four,
which include positivist/post positivist, constructivist/interpretivist, transformative, and
pragmatic (Mertens, 2014). Phenomenological researchers have debated whether
phenomenology is best suited under the post positivist paradigm, whereas other researchers have
considered the interpretivist paradigmatic assumptions to closely align with phenomenology
(Finlay, 2009). As a result, variations of phenomenology answer the three fundamental
questions differently. Many of the paradigms are also influenced by eras of thought, namely the
modernist and postmodernist era. Phenomenology is not exempt from these influences.
Where modernists may argue that reality is objective and can be measured, some
postmodernists oppose an objective truth to be discovered apart from each individual (Finlay,
2009). This impacts phenomenological studies, as phenomenology is often divided into
descriptive or interpretive phenomenology. The former reflects a more positivist orientation and
the latter aligns more with the constructivist orientation (Laverty, 2003). Both
phenomenological approaches are systematic ways to explore the human experience, but they
differ in their responses to the basic questions. Many phenomenologists have transitioned to
adopting a postmodern perspective, as this allows for the subjectivity of the human experience to
emerge; however, this creates difficulties when developing a phenomenological method, as the
boundaries of “construction and deconstruction” are difficult to establish (Finlay, 2009, p. 16).
Hermeneutic phenomenology aligns with interpretivist/constructivist paradigmatic
assumptions (Laverty, 2003). Many researchers who use hermeneutic phenomenology answer
the ontological question by supporting the idea of multiple realities, as opposed to one absolute
reality. These realities are constructed by the knower, and the best source of knowledge is
through one’s experience within the world; therefore, the knower and the would-be-known have

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a close relationship. The ontological and epistemological questions are answered differently by
two of the most influential thinkers in phenomenology, Edmund Husserl and Martin Heidegger.
Husserl was more concerned with the epistemological question of the relationship between the
knower and what can be known whereas Heidegger focused on the ontological nature of being
(Koch, 1995). In other words, Husserl was focused on the “knowledge of the phenomena”
whereas Heidegger was interested in the “meaning of … being” (van Manen, 2014, p. 105).
Both thinkers emphasized the importance of lived experience when researching phenomena.
Proponents of hermeneutic phenomenology emphasize the importance of interpretation, which
arises from the co-construction between the researcher and the participant. This is reflective of
the constructivist paradigm, where knowledge is created as the knower and would-be-known
interact (Guba & Lincoln, 1994).
Phenomenology
Thus “phenomenology” means to let that which shows itself be seen from itself
in the very way in which it shows itself from itself.
(Heidegger, 1962, p. 58)
Phenomenology originated in Germany as an influential philosophical tradition before it
was adopted as a psychological research method (Dowling, 2007). Finlay (2009) described
phenomenological research as “involv[ing] both rich description of the lifeworld or lived
experience, and where the researcher has adopted a special, open phenomenological attitude” (p.
8). The phenomenological attitude is an important aspect of conducting phenomenological
research. This attitude is challenging and contrary to the way individuals are accustomed to
engaging with the world. This is often referred to as the natural attitude, where individuals takefor-granted what they are experiencing on a moment to moment basis (Finlay, 2008). Contrarily,
the phenomenological attitude requires the researcher to step outside one’s presuppositions and

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engage in a sense of wonder about the world. This requires the researcher to be open and
reflexive, which allows that which is being studied to impress upon the researcher in its own
way, apart from one’s predetermined understanding. Integral to conducting a phenomenological
study is exploring the phenomenon “in the way it occurs, and in its own terms” (Smith, Flowers,
& Larkin, 2009, p. 12). All phenomenon that can be explored is available to the conscience
because it is through consciousness that people relate to their lived worlds (van Manen, 1997).
There are different forms of phenomenological research, each with varying assumptions
and approaches of studying phenomena. Two said types are descriptive and interpretive
phenomenology, where hermeneutic phenomenology would be a form of the latter. Husserl is
considered the founder of descriptive phenomenology as a method for practicing human science
(Jennings, 2000). Husserl aimed to describe the essence of the phenomena by going back “to the
things themselves” (Husserl, 1911/80, p. 116). Staying true to this method requires that the
researcher not deviate from the nature of the phenomenon, but uncover the essences of the
phenomenon (Finlay, 2009), without theory or interpretation (Jennings, 2000; van Manen, 2014).
Where descriptive phenomenology is concerned with the way a certain phenomenon
appears apart from interpretation, interpretive phenomenology goes this beyond by considering
the meaning of its Being (van Manen, 2014). Heidegger, a student of Husserl and a hermeneutic
philosopher, questioned whether knowledge can be known apart from interpretation (van Manen,
2014). Since human beings are constantly interpreting their worlds, any knowledge pursued will
be influenced by their pre-understandings. People find meaning from the world around them, but
also construct their own worlds as they experience life and operate in their way of being
(Laverty, 2003). In interpretive phenomenology, it is important for the researcher to explore
how the individuals construct their own world and the meanings of their pre-understandings

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(Finlay, 2008; Koch, 1995). Interpretive phenomenologists also highlight the close relationship
between the researcher, the participants, and the lived experiences (Finlay, 2009). The
researcher and the participants co-construct meanings together. Essentially the researcher
interprets the participants’ interpretations of their lived experience (Smith et al., 2009). This
requires that the researcher be reflexive throughout the process, as it is difficult to determine the
boundaries of researcher subjectivity (Finlay, 2009). In this study, an interpretative
phenomenological approach is taken by use of the hermeneutic phenomenological method.
Hermeneutic Phenomenological Method
Hermeneutic phenomenological researchers recognize the ingrained nature of their
language, culture, and ways of being that impact their interpretations of the participants’ lived
experiences, thus making “suspension of belief” difficult (van Manen, 2014, p. 222). The line of
co-construction is challenging to determine because it is easy for a researcher to become a
participant; however, the researchers use reflexivity to ground themselves in their research role
(Laverty, 2003). The researcher is involved with the participant on an intersubjective level and
influences the research process with the interpretations brought forth throughout the analysis.
Some researchers have summarized the nonlinear phenomenological research process as
gathering the first-person accounts of the lived experience, attending to what appears of this
lived experience, and identifying the essential features from an open stance (Finlay, 2008, 2009;
Laverty, 2003). Hermeneutic phenomenologists would also use the hermeneutic circle as a
means of achieving depth in the analytical interpretations while being reflexive of their own
experiences. Hermeneutic phenomenological research does not have a prescribed method, as
there are numerous ways to conduct phenomenological research; however, some researchers
have created guidelines in conducting such a study (Laverty, 2003). In this study, I will be using

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van Manen’s (1997) methodological guidelines for conducting hermeneutic phenomenological
research.
Data Collection and Analytic Procedure
Van Manen (1997) provided an outline for conducting hermeneutic phenomenological
research, which consists of methodological themes researchers can use as a guide. He identified
six themes which include: (1) turning toward a phenomenon of interest; (2) exploring the lived
experience of the phenomenon; (3) unveiling and reflecting on the essential qualities of the
phenomenon; (4) engaging in a writing and rewriting process of describing and interpreting the
phenomenon; (5) remaining oriented toward the phenomenon; and (6) considering the
phenomenon in the context of its parts and the whole. In a hermeneutic phenomenological study,
the data collection and analytic procedure often overlap. The data is the participants’
descriptions of their experiences lived through and the analysis occurs throughout and following
data collection. This is because during the interviews, the researcher and the participants are coconstructing meaning and “knowledge is created through interaction between and among
investigator and respondents” (Racher & Robinson, 2002, p. 469). The dialogue serves as data
collection and as the means by which the researcher becomes acquainted with the essence of the
phenomenon.
In this study, I interviewed participants of their lived experiences of turning toward loss
using semi-structured interviews for 60 to 90 minutes. The interviews began with open
questions about their relationship with the deceased individuals and the nature of their deaths.
The interviews evolved to descriptions of how the participants engaged with their grieving by
turning toward their losses. The following section describes how each of van Manen’s (1997)
suggested methodological themes were applied to the phenomenon of interest.

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Turning toward loss. The phenomenon of this study is the lived experience of turning
toward the loss of a loved one. This grieving phenomenon raises other questions such as what is
essentially meaningful to the experience of turning toward one’s loss? How does this transpire
over the course of their grieving? What was it like to be a person who has lost a parent, spouse,
child, or sibling? Other questions this study addressed is if or how engaging with grief impacted
the participants.
As a way of orienting myself within the context of turning toward loss, I connected with
other bereaved individuals and those who work in hospices and counsel the bereaved. These
people were not participants but rather served as informants for the data collection process. The
goal was to better situate myself with others who have experience in this area. I also conducted a
pilot interview of my final interview where a research assistant interviewed me as the participant.
This placed myself in the position of the participants, which opened me to the experience of
answering my questions and gave me perspective on what needed to be revised. I identified
questions that were difficult to answer, unclear, leading, and those questions that did not elicit
elaboration of the lived experience. This allowed me to refine the interview to ensure that
participants could provide rich lived experience descriptions.
Exploring the lived experience. The process of exploring lived experience via
interviews was intersubjective, but the focus was on the lived experiences of the participants and
not myself. The lived experience was not a single event in time. The participants perceived
their grief as an overarching phenomenon. As a result, the participants elaborated on their
turning toward loss experience over time. The participants recalled specific examples of turning
toward loss and described their experiences in detail. Although the lived experiences were of the
past, the goal was for the participants to bring them into the present; however, it was not fully

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possible for the participants to recall their experience in the exact way it happened. This was
especially true when describing the first year following their losses. Van Manen (1997) referred
to this as transformations, where the experience is transformed by the participant through their
description. Therefore, the study is interpretive: the participants interpreted their past
experiences as they described them. The interpretation happened as the participants described
what it was like to attend to their grief, and interpretation also took place as a function of
language. Some of the participants had written extensively throughout their grieving
experiences, whereas one participant was articulating her experience of this phenomenon in a
new way. Their use of language inevitably shaped their description of their lived experiences.
Van Manen (1997) provided direction when asking participants about their lived
experience. He claimed the goal of phenomenological research of lived experience is to further
understand the meanings of those experiences through the accounts of others. In order to do so,
the researcher may ask the participant to thoroughly describe the experience without
interpretation. The aim is for a detailed description of the phenomena, which allows the
researcher to come close to what is appearing. In this study, the participants were asked to
describe the ways they turned toward their losses as thoroughly as possible, with specific
examples. Their descriptions spanned the course of many years, each starting with the initial
impact of the loss and ending with where they are at present.
The focus was less on the cause of the grief, as that is already established, but rather the
experience of living with the grief and attending to its presence. It was also important to gather a
description of the experience as it is felt in mind, body, and spirit. The participants all reflected
on their emotional, cognitive, physical, and spiritual states. Not only did the participants discuss
their intrapsychic processes, but also the impact of the experience on their lifestyle and

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relationships with others. Participants described what they experienced on a sensory and
intuitive level. Questions could arise of whether the details the participants share are true, but
van Manen (1997) distinguished between “accuracy” and “plausibility” (p. 65). He stated that it
is more important that the sense of the phenomena holds true, rather than the specifics of the
account.
Reflection of the phenomenon. Once the interviews were finished, I transcribed them
into textual representations. The researcher uses the text as a means of finding essential themes
of the phenomenon. Van Manen (1997) described themes as being points of meaning,
simplifications of the phenomenon, and “aspects of the structure of lived experience” (p. 87).
Themes may appear in each participants’ descriptions, but also across participant descriptions.
These commonalities direct the researcher to the essence of the phenomenon, providing an
opportunity to go deeper with the experience. Although there may be overarching themes
throughout the descriptions, single themes are not comprehensive enough to depict the essence of
the phenomenon. The analysis is not complete once themes have been identified, rather themes
serve like way points on a map to provide the researcher a sense of direction toward the essence.
Van Manen (1997) highlighted three different ways themes can be identified:
1) Taking a holistic approach to the text, by reading it as a whole and formulating a phrase
that captures its essence.
2) Reading the text and identifying different sentences or pieces of the description that
reveal significant aspects of the phenomenon.
3) Analyzing the text sentence by sentence and identify what each sentence is signifying. I
adapted these guidelines to better explore the participants’ lived experience descriptions.

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After the interviews were transcribed, I noticed that the textual representation of their
experiences of turning toward loss seemed to be diluted. What were vibrant and rich
descriptions during the interview seemed to fall flat on paper. This was because the textual
descriptions were missing emphasis: the vocal intonations, expressions, and fluctuations as well
as the distinctness of the pauses and the silences. This led me to question how I was to immerse
myself in their experiences as they are lived through if the descriptions remain two-dimensional
within the text. To remediate this dilemma, I listened to the interviews as I read the transcripts.
This improved my ability to identify the lived experience descriptions within the text, which
would serve as my basis for uncovering themes. I combed through the interviews and selected
the parts that provided detailed descriptions of turning toward loss, and in doing so, this helped
me stay oriented to the phenomenon. The parts of the interview where participants shared
“personal views, perceptions, perspectives, or interpretations” were left unused to the extent it
was possible in order to only analyze the pre-reflective descriptions (van Manen, 2014, p. 314).
In addition, I collaborated with other researchers, at least one additional researcher per
interview, who assisted in identifying themes and the essential structures of the phenomena.
Dialoguing with other researchers allowed for a more thorough examination of the participants’
descriptions, adding fresh insight into what was appearing. This collaboration was also integral
in ensuring that I remained open and in a state of wonder toward the phenomenon.
Once the lived experience descriptions were collected, I primarily used the second and
third suggested approaches to identify themes. I read the descriptions line by line and
questioned, ‘what does this sentence say about what it means to turn toward loss?’ If the
sentence was a part of a larger whole, such as multiple sentences or a larger sample, I asked the
question of that section in its entirety. I also identified specific statements of the participants that

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encapsulated the essence of their lived experience as a whole. As I worked through the text, I
articulated themes and expanded these themes through written and artistic expression. I used
these two mediums, namely journaling and painting, to adopt an attitude of wonder and openness
to what was emerging and impressing upon me. Adopting the attitude of the epoché, or
openness, also meant that throughout the data collection and the analysis, I practiced reflexivity
of my beliefs and assumptions. I did so by critical reflection of how my behaviour, actions, and
questions impacted the dialogue with the participants. I also maintained a journal throughout the
research process where I identified assumptions and knowledges with which I became familiar,
such as theories and bodies of literature. In making these assumptions transparent, I was able to
suspend my beliefs to the extent I was capable. For the sake of succinctness in this section, refer
to Chapter 6 for specifics on my reflexive process, including the journaling and creative
endeavors. Along with expressing how the research was impacting me, I was also reflecting and
interpreting the lived experiences through writing and rewriting.
Writing and rewriting processes. Writing and rewriting a description of the emerging
themes is essential to the analytic process. Van Manen (1997) stated that “a description is a
powerful one if it reawakens our basic experience of the phenomenon it describes, and … we
experience the more foundational grounds of the experience” (p. 122). The act of writing brings
the researcher into a reflective state, where depth of interpretation can be met. Van Manen
commented on the dual role of writing, as it separates the researcher from the phenomenon of
study while allowing the researcher to become more intimately acquainted with its essential
meanings. Writing allows the research to reveal what may be hidden, and to reconnect the
researcher with what is already known in a deeper way. Van Manen stated that the research text
should be “oriented, strong, rich, and deep” (p. 151). A meaningful phenomenological

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description will have levels of depth beyond what the participant provided. The researcher needs
to write in such a way that readers will be instantly connected with the experience. In this study,
readers should be able to connect to the activity of turning toward loss through the rich
description of the phenomenon, and if the essence is captured, the phenomenon will be easily
recognized. Fundamentally, the results of this research study are the phenomenological writing.
Research Participation
Phenomenological researchers aim to “make contact with life as it is lived” (van Manen,
2014, p. 353). This means it is important to gather data that will serve as examples of the
phenomenon in question, and such data may derive from a multitude of sources. In this study, I
recruited four participants to described their lived experience of turning toward loss via
interviews. Van Manen (2014) cautioned phenomenologists from viewing participants as part of
a sample representative of a greater population, but rather as those who provide examples of a
given phenomenon. I employed purposive sampling in this study with the aim of gathering lived
experience descriptions of the specific grieving activity of turning toward loss. The sample was
purposive because the participants all experienced this phenomenon and were selected on the
basis they could articulate their experience.
Recruitment. The main method of recruitment was through poster advertisements,
emails to various organizations, and word of mouth. The study was advertised on Facebook
where an electronic copy of the recruitment poster was uploaded (refer to Appendix A). Posters
were also distributed at Trinity Western University, and were emailed to various hospices and
counselling centers, as well as the Compassionate Friends chapter in the greater Vancouver area.
Selection. Participants were selected based on specific inclusion and exclusion criteria
which included being 19 years of age and older, as well as the type of bereavement and the time

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since death. Once the individuals expressed interest in the study, they participated in a screening
interview. Selection criteria and the screening interview are described below.
Type of bereavement. Participants who are bereaved of either a parent, spouse, child, or
sibling were recruited. I aimed to recruit one of each type of loss. I chose to explore more than
one type of loss since the phenomenon in question is turning toward loss, which can be
experienced with many types of losses. In this way, the experience can be explored across
different relationships.
Time since death. The participants were required to have been bereaved for at least three
years, but no more than ten years. It was important for the participants to be familiar with the
phenomenon in question in order to describe their lived experience (Wertz, 2005). This criterion
allowed the participants to have grieved for enough time that the loss is not acute. The set range
also maintained homogeneity among the participants.
Screening interview. Individuals who were interested in participating were required to
go through a screening interview, which was 20 to 30 minutes in length. The purpose of this
interview was to gain a broad description of the individuals’ grieving with the intent of looking
for ways the individuals have turned toward their losses (refer to Appendix B). In addition to
selecting participants on the basis of turning toward, the interview also served as an indicator of
the participants’ verbal skills. This reflected their ability to dialogue and provide rich
descriptions of their lived experience during the final interview. Individuals who were not
selected to continue to the final interview were informed their information was securely
discarded.
Participants. The participants recruited include four women between the ages of 34 and
75. Participants’ cultural backgrounds are Canadian (two), Dutch, and British. The women

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described their religious affiliations as Christian (three) and Unitarian Universalist. Each of the
participants have suffered different losses: Shirley is grieving the loss of her sister to cancer who
died nine years ago; Victoria is grieving the loss of her mother to cancer who died four years
ago; Maureen is grieving the loss of her husband to cancer who died nine years ago; and Leslie is
grieving the loss of her son to drug overdose who died eight years ago. The following describes
the interview process and the ensuing validity checks.
The final interview. The women were emailed the demographic information form (refer
to Appendix C) and informed consent form (refer to Appendix D) to review before our first
meeting. They were asked to meet in a confidential setting to be interviewed for 60 to 90
minutes. The first interview was conducted at Fraser River Counselling Centre, and the
subsequent three interviews were conducted in each of the participants’ homes. Upon the
participants’ arrival, we reviewed the informed consent together where the nature of the study,
the risks and benefits involved, and their right to withdraw at any time were explained to them.
The participants then signed the informed consent and completed the demographic form. They
were given the opportunity to choose pseudonyms to ensure anonymity. After completion of the
interviews, the audio files and transcriptions were password protected and paper copies were
securely stored.
The interviews were semi-structured using the Personal Existential Analysis (PEA)
method as a structure for the interview (Längle, 2003). PEA involves four steps, which include
(1) a description of the facts of the event; (2) the impressions and sensations that arise from the
facts; (3) the reached understanding; and (4) a response or action (Längle, 2003, p. 44). I have
chosen to use PEA as a structure for the interview because this method complements
hermeneutic phenomenology due to the emphasis on openness, description, and dialogue. In

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respects to the “dialogical nature” of PEA, the method views personhood as “always in a process
of exchange with the world and in mutual exchange with itself and the world” (Längle, 2003, p.
39). The interview dialogue became an encounter between myself and the participants. This
encounter “allows my own to be touched by the other, and adds my own to the other”, which is
evident as the meanings of turning toward loss emerge between myself and the participants
(Längle, 2003, p. 40). Using PEA as a method for the interview structure deepened the level of
discourse from interviewing to encountering, which added to the richness of the data.
Iconic validity checks. Although empirical member checks are often use in qualitative
studies, this is not so in hermeneutic phenomenology (van Manen, 2014). Instead, iconic validity
checks may be conducted (M. van Manen, personal communication, October 16, 2016).
Hermeneutic phenomenologists are more concerned with the depth and insight of the
phenomenological writing and how it resonates with the readers, rather than its accurate
reflection of specific details. In this study, the purpose of the phenomenological writing is not to
highlight the specific lives of the participants, but to provide a deeper understanding of turning
toward loss (van Manen, 2014). After the completion of the phenomenological writing, the text
was provided to the participants, research assistants, and to colleagues with no relation to the
study. Each person was asked whether the text induced a sense of wonder or resonated with
them. For individuals who have turned toward their losses, they were asked if the text captures
their experience of such. For those who have not had this experience, they were asked if they
had a deeper understanding of what it means to turn toward loss after reading the text. Two
participants provided feedback, as well as four members of the research team, and three
colleagues. Each individual indicated that the phenomenological writing resonated with them
and deepened their understanding of turning toward loss.

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Methodological Rigour

The validity of a phenomenological study has to be sought in the appraisal of the originality
of insights and the soundness of interpretive processes demonstrated in the study.
(van Manen, 2014, p. 348)
Methodological rigour is a crucial component of conducting a qualitative study. There
have been guidelines developed for qualitative studies in general, but phenomenological studies
often demonstrate rigour in ways that other methods do not (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006). Van
Manen (2014) addressed ways to assess the validity of phenomenological studies, which differ
from other qualitative methods and quantitative methods. He asserted that it is important
phenomenological researchers meet validation criteria by having strong phenomenological
questions, analyzing rich, detailed descriptions, and not focusing on causality and theoretical
explanations. Phenomenological researchers do not aim for their studies to be reliable, as the
goal is to provide new and deeper insights into a particular phenomenon, even if it has been
explored before. Van Manen also asserted that the evidence of phenomenology is “intuitivebased” where findings provide understanding and meaning of the phenomenon, as opposed to
empirical evidence which is related to generalizability and quantifiability (p. 351).
Generalizability in phenomenological involves holding the tension between the
uniqueness of the phenomenon in question as well as the universality of insight. Van Manen
(2014) described two types of generalizability: existential and singular. The former refers to the
recurring thematic meanings which are essential to a phenomenon, where the latter refers to the
universal uniqueness specific to a phenomenon. In light of these validity criteria specific to
phenomenological studies, the next section will provide an overview this study’s rigour and
adherence to hermeneutic phenomenological principles.

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Two of the commonly recognized types of rigour include credibility and confirmability,
which are the qualitative equivalents of the quantitative internal validity and objectivity
(Mertens, 2014). De Witt and Ploeg (2006) stated that it is difficult to apply these criteria to
hermeneutic phenomenological studies because of their subjective and interpretive natures. They
explained that because phenomenology methodology incorporates its philosophical principles, it
is difficult to use generic qualitative rigour criteria that have been influenced by other schools of
philosophies. As a response to this challenge, de Witt and Ploeg (2006) provided a framework
for conducting a rigorous interpretive phenomenological study, which is as follows:
Balanced Integration
Researchers conducting phenomenological studies need to be mindful of incorporating
their philosophical foundations into the research study, but not at the expense of the participants’
accounts. In other words, I was mindful of balancing the philosophical underpinnings of this
study with the research methodology, by bracketing theoretical assumptions during data
collection and the analysis process. Once the analysis was complete, I integrated the
phenomenological writing with the current body of grief and bereavement literature and the
theory and practice of Existential Analysis.
Openness
Along with balanced integration, openness is an expression of rigour found in the
research process (de Witt & Ploeg, 2006). Openness is described as being attuned to what is
appearing. Van Manen (2014) stated that “the measure of openness needed to grasp…something
is also a measure of its depthful nature” (p. 355). Openness requires a position of wonder.
Wonder was described as “that moment of being when one is overcome by awe or perplexity” (p.
360). In hermeneutic phenomenology, it is assumed that individuals have preunderstandings of

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their world that lead them to perceive it in a certain way. This would seem to prevent
researchers from adopting an open attitude toward their topic of inquiry; however, placing
oneself in a position of wonder and engaging in the process of reflexive orientation allows the
researcher to adopt a phenomenological attitude. In this study, I practiced reflexivity to remain
in a stance of openness and wonder towards the phenomenon (refer to Chapter 6).
Concreteness
Concreteness situates the reader concretely within the phenomenon in question. This has
been done by providing the reader with examples from the participants’ narrative to support the
research findings. De Witt and Ploeg (2006) referred to van Manen’s ‘lived throughness’ and
Madison’s contexuality to describe concreteness. Lived throughness connects the readers to the
experience of the participants’ lifeworlds, and in this study, their experience of turning toward
loss. Contexuality provides the readers with an understanding of contextual factors such as
history and culture. The participants were asked to provide detailed descriptions to explore how
turning toward loss was lived through, and their specific cultural and religious backgrounds were
explored prior to and during the interviews (as it arose in dialogue).
Resonance
Do the research findings resonate with the reader? Resonance is an essential component
of phenomenological rigour. Just as van Manen (2014) encouraged the researcher to remain in a
state of wonder, he also stated that researchers should be able to induce wonder in those who are
reading their study. This study explored a component of grieving, and as most people know,
everyone will be bereaved of someone at one point throughout their lives (Winokuer & Harris,
2012). By its universal nature, grieving should resonate on some level with the readers;
however, many people may not have experienced the act of turning toward their loss and thus,

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this phenomenon may be unfamiliar. By conducting the iconic validity checks, this criteria for
rigour has been met thus far, but my hope for this study is that the phenomenological writing will
continue to move readers toward a deeper understanding of what it means to turn toward loss.
Actualization
This final expression of rigour from de Witt and Ploeg’s (2006) framework is difficult but
important to measure. Actualization is described as the realization of resonance in the future.
Will the study still resonate with the readers when read years from when it was written? This
text will continue to be read and interpreted over time, and the findings will continue to evolve
with others’ interpretations. Hopefully a depth of understanding of turning toward loss has been
achieved, but there is always need for further interpretation as this theory develops and as our
understanding of grieving changes.
De Witt and Ploeg (2006) provided a helpful framework for researchers to conduct a
rigour phenomenological study. There are certain unique elements of a phenomenological study
that need to be addressed, which other qualitative expressions of rigour fail to do. In summary, I
achieved rigour by gathering detailed descriptions of the phenomenon and by attending openly to
the essence of the phenomenon of interest (van Manen, 1997). While uncovering the essential
structure of the phenomenon, I remained oriented to that of which is of interest (Finlay, 2008;
van Manen, 1997). This was especially important to practice during the writing and rewriting
phase in which I became closer with the phenomenon whilst also distancing from it with a fresh
outlook.
I invite the readers to consider the following critical questions, proposed by van Manen
(2014, numerical list added, pp. 355-356) as you read the phenomenological text in Chapter 4:

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1. Heuristic questioning: Does the text induce a sense of contemplative wonder and
questioning attentiveness—ti estin (the wonder what this is), and hoti estin (the
wonder that something exists at all)?
2. Descriptive richness: Does the text contain rich and recognizable experiential
material?
3. Interpretive depth: Does the text offer reflective insights that go beyond the takenfor-granted understandings of everyday life?
4. Distinctive rigor: Does the text remain constantly guided by a self-critical question
of distinct meaning of the phenomenon or event?
5. Strong and addressive meaning: Does the text “speak” to and address our sense of
embodied being?
6. Experiential awakening: Does the text awaken prereflective or primal experience
through vocative and presentative language?
7. Inceptual epiphany: Does the study offer us the possibility of deeper and original
insight, and perhaps, an intuitive or inspirited grasp of the ethics and ethos of life
commitments and practices?

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CHAPTER 4: FINDINGS

A high-quality phenomenological text cannot be summarized. It does not need to contain a list
of findings—rather, one must evaluate it by meeting with it, going through it, encountering it,
suffering it, consuming it, and, as well, being consumed by it.
(van Manen, 2014, p. 355).
In exploring the lived experience of turning toward loss phenomenology, I have opened
myself to the shared human experience of grieving as a researcher and fellow griever. I hope to
instill a sense of wonder and resonance in you, the reader, as I invite you to also open yourself to
this phenomenon. I will begin by providing an overview of the thematic meanings 3 which serve
as a structure for the phenomenological analysis. I want to remind the reader that the themes
provided are not themes of generalizations, but rather serve as springboards for depth. As van
Manen (1997) describes, phenomenological themes are like stars of a constellation which
connect to make a greater, meaningful whole. The whole, in this case, is the lived experience of
turning toward the loss of a loved one.
I interviewed four participants who have chosen to turn toward their losses. They each
provided rich descriptions of their experiences of engaging with their losses and allowing
themselves to be touched by their grief. In dialogue of their experiences, the following
descriptors were used repeatedly:
Surreal. Strange. Intense. Unpredictable. Complex. Indescribable. Bewildered. Mystified.
Are these not evocative words? They were used throughout the interviews to articulate
the intuited. They have a nonspecific, open quality, revealing the experiential which cannot be
grasped through words. Only when the participants opened themselves to that which they could
not comprehend and dared themselves to look, could the unknown make itself graspable. This
may be why many of them used imagery and metaphor during the interviews to describe their

3

Hereafter referred to as themes.

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lived experience of engaging with their grief. In doing so, they pulled themselves deeper beyond
their everyday experience and were provoked to face that which they described as bigger than
them: grief. In honour of the participants’ experiences and the rich descriptions they provided, I
have also dared myself to open to, and look at, that which seems bigger than me. In doing so, I
have found the use of imagery and metaphor indispensable, and so these are used throughout this
section. More specifically, I will refer to the overarching metaphor of ‘the labyrinth of grief’
throughout the thematic descriptions. I will now describe how this metaphor emerged from the
results and outline the derived themes of this phenomenon, which will then be elaborated.
The Paradoxical Nature of Grieving
One participant stated that we must find our way through grief. We4 cannot go over it,
under it, or around it. We find our path through grief by learning from the many who have
grieved before us, among us, and with us. I have interviewed four such women who have all
chosen to turn toward their losses and encounter their grief. In analyzing the lived experience
descriptions, the paradoxical nature of grieving revealed itself. As I immersed myself into the
participants’ lived experiences of turning toward loss, it became apparent that the participants
were holding many tensions. A number of the themes derived from the lived experiences were
composed of concurrent opposing elements, suggesting that turning toward loss is a paradoxical
process. For example, many of the participants highlighted the tension between encountering
grief alone, yet also with others; feeling fundamentally separated, yet a part of a shared human
experience; feeling the sensation of the surreal, yet being grounded in reality; dying to
themselves, yet transforming anew, and so on. Many of these tensions the participants described

The pronouns ‘we’, ‘us’, and ‘our’ are used throughout this section to highlight the universality of grieving, as an
essential human experience.
4

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seemed to be parts of larger wholes, and thus, the themes were summations of these paradoxical
parts.
These smaller paradoxes coalesced into themes, and suggested that the phenomenon of
turning toward loss is a paradoxical experience as a whole. This larger paradox then served as
the basis on which to map the themes. As I explored the paradox further, the metaphor of the
unicursal labyrinth5 seemed to encapsulate the lived experience of turning toward loss
considerably well. The imagery of the labyrinth is used throughout the thematic descriptions as a
means of immersing the reader into the experience of turning toward loss.

Figure 1. The 11-circuit, unicursal labyrinth of Chartes Cathedral, France.
The labyrinth serves as a metaphor for grief, with death being the activating event which
brought the participants into the ‘labyrinth of grief’. The lived experience of turning toward loss
is represented as the active process of walking through the labyrinth, and as such, the themes of
this phenomenon are experienced within the labyrinth. The themes are points of meaning within

5

For further elaboration of the labyrinth, refer to chapter six.

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the experience of turning toward loss as a whole, so as a reminder to the reader, the themes are as
tangled as the experience of grieving itself. During an interview, one participant commented on
the strangeness of her crying as we were dialoguing. She stated, “I can put myself back there”,
indicating that grief can be expressed regardless of the amount of time that passes. This suggests
that because the participants continue to process their losses, the experience of turning toward
loss is a living, moving phenomenon. As such, these themes are not linear stages, but rather,
these themes are parts of every living moment of the experience of turning towards loss. In
summary, these themes are not stages which come to an end or require completion. Rather, these
themes reflect different aspects of the experience of turning toward loss. There are no rules nor
guidelines that one theme precedes the other, nor is it true that two or more themes cannot be
experienced concurrently. In reality, many of these themes are all present, at varying times, and
are re-experienced over the course of grieving.
Themes of the Lived Experience of Turning Toward Loss
Eight themes were derived from this phenomenon of turning toward loss. Each theme
throughout the text is presented as ‘The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as’ followed by the
specific name of the theme. The eight themes include the experience of turning toward loss as:
(a) an encounter with death, (b) surrendering to grief, (c) choosing community, (d) permitting
and pursuing grief, (e) transformation of self, (f) rooting in relationship, (g) embracing life, and
(h) the ground of faith. Each of these themes was experienced as a result of the participants’
choices to turn toward their losses; however, two themes also extend beyond this particular lived
experience. These include an encounter with death and the ground of faith.
The theme of an encounter with death describes the death event and the experience of
becoming bereaved. The participants’ encounter with death served as the activating event, which

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set in motion their experience of turning toward loss. In this sense, the loss precedes the choice
to turn toward the loss, but the loss itself should not be excluded as it is integral to this
phenomenon. In turning toward their losses, the participants turned toward the pervasive,
ongoing grief they felt as well as the death event. The second extending theme is the ground of
faith. This theme encompasses the participants’ relationships with faith and the Divine. This
theme does not appear as a passive consequence of this phenomenon, but rather as an active
response to it. The ground of faith is described as that which is bigger than grief that the
participants could rely on, which existed before the loss occurred. Therefore, the ground of faith
is a theme which exceeds this phenomenon, but nonetheless appeared as a crucial part of it. In
summary, the encounter with death precedes this phenomenon and the ground of faith exceeds
this phenomenon, but both were described throughout the participants’ interviews, and as such,
are fundamental to their experiences.
The Phenomenological Writing of Turning Toward Loss
Below is the phenomenological text of the experience of turning toward loss, which is
organized into the eight themes described above. These themes encompass the descriptions of
the participants’ experiences (i.e., direct quotations from the interviews), as well as the
interpretations of the research team to deepen readers’ understanding of, and resonance with, this
phenomenon. I invite you, the reader, to lean into your own questions, insights, and experiences
of loss as you read through the meanings embedded in the phenomenon of turning toward loss.
And before we venture forth together, I would like to honour the silence, for as many words as I
give to the phenomenon of turning toward loss, there is still much I cannot say.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as an Encounter with Death
Death is part of our reality, but death does not truly exist to us until we encounter it in the most
intimate fashion, until it approaches us far too closely than we would allow of our own free

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choosing. Up until this point, we have learned to live within our finiteness. We busy ourselves
with the things of this world, and in doing so, we place a veil between life and death so that death
is hidden from our forward gaze. This eases our anxieties of the inevitable until that thin, futile
barrier begins to dissipate and death comes for those around us, for those endeared to us. We
suffer in our powerlessness to stop death from taking hold. We feel the burn of its cold
presence. It has touched us, and taken them. Although their bodies remain, they are no longer
with us in the way we have always known.
She was so skinny. There’s nothing left. She looks like a skeleton, painted ivory. You can
feel the tumors. Along her spine. Along her hair. And I just hugged her … they still feel like
them—still feels like your mom, but she’s dead.
As we grapple with their still bodies and their missing souls, the world becomes real. Too
real. Beyond real. Surreal. So real that we deny the truth that death has come and pleadingly
ask ourselves, the world, the Divine, or anyone or thing who may hear our cry, ‘How can this
be?’ We become paralyzed, trapped within our own bodies that house us, but yet we’re
spinning, moving at an inhumane speed, unable to bear ourselves. And under the weight of this
spinning, we collapse.
I fell to the floor. I was inconsolable.
There was this moment of almost insanity. It felt like, just something in me felt like WHOA.
We become instantly deprived. We are poorer because we lost those of treasured value to
us. Now we are forever left longing for the ones who have departed from us.
When somebody passes away it’s so surreal. Someone that close to you, it’s so surreal. You
just can’t believe it … so at that point, it was like okay, sister, wake up.
We ask for our deceased to wake up, but we know they are dead. We know they cannot. Who
really then needs to awake? We think they are the only ones who have died. And surely they
have, but we also die in that moment. A part of us ceases to exist, and a part of us begins
separating. When we plead for them to awake, it is also a plea for ourselves to awaken.
You feel you can’t breathe, that you just can’t continue. You just can’t continue.
This separation is beyond comprehension. We are divided in ways we have never been
before. We are separate from ourselves, and separate from the ones we love. This separation
permeates our beings and invades our waking and dreaming. In our dreams, they are alive. In
our dreams, they exist with us for an ephemeral moment. There is a strangeness that ensues as
we grapple with what is unreal, utterly real, and overly real.
You go through a feeling of disbelief, that surreal feeling of this can’t be true. It invades
your dreaming too. You dream that their alive still … you sort of wake up and it’s like wow,
that felt really real.
I dreamt about her all the time. I felt very disconnected from the world.

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So where does the questioning of ‘can this be real’ originate? Human beings have been dying
for as long as we have been living, and yet we ask this question when death comes. Is it because
despite the inevitability of death, it is not known by us? We hear of it, we see it, but yet it
remains foreign to us. And this foreignness garners something different than the questions of the
afterlife. For this end, we are not asking that question. We are simply asking how can it
be? How can this person I have intimately encountered suddenly cease to exist on this
earth? Completely gone within an instant. There is something in their absence, despite its
absolute truth, that still causes us to question the reality of what is. And this questioning is not
unacceptance because at its crux, we know that they are dead. If someone was to ask us whether
they are still living, we would answer no, they are dead, passed, gone, no longer with us. Death
is and can be because we are mortal.
Because we die. We die. We are fleeting. We are temporary.
We know this already, but somewhere in our essence, we reject this. Were we meant to be
finite? Our profound rejection of their deaths suggests we were designed to be infinite. Death
does not belong to us. So where, what, whom is it within us that leans into this primordial
rejection of death and dares to ask, ‘how can this be?’
Because your mind is like, how could this have happened? This hasn’t actually
happened. I’m sure it hasn’t. Because my mom couldn’t actually die. But then she’s there
… your brain says, ‘No this is impossible!’
If we were meant to be infinite, then would we not exist in this plane of surrealism, since human
beings are dying at our every breath? No. Because we do not suffer the feeling of strange
surreality because we are human, but rather because of something essential: relationship. We
suffer because of our propensity for relationship. The rupture of the intimate relationship thrusts
us into this reality–surreality interchange, or rather, the recondite labyrinth of grief. It is here
that the dark atmosphere of our confusion overcomes us. We find ourselves disoriented, unable
to see in the numbing fog.
That loss, that permanent loss, is so mystifying.
Initially it is so surreal you can’t believe it. You feel numb … you’re just kind of in a cloud
for a while. I don’t remember how long I felt … just, not with it.
Amidst the fog that suspends us, we endure the striking flashes of awareness that we will be
forever deprived of those we love. We face the ultimate injustice of our loved ones being taken
from us, and we have no power to remediate the separation. This is now our permanent reality of
being bereaved.
There was this moment, where I was putting on her eyeshadow (at the funeral home), and
my brain was like, almost this moment of, I can’t even handle this shit. Whoa.

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When someone disappears from your life permanently, and you’ve realized that they’ve not
just caught the bus to town. You’re never going to see them again. It can make you
question everything in your life … it so knocks you off your axis.
We search for words to articulate our ever-present poorness.
It is almost indescribable, and I’m a writer.
But words do not come to us. No, words are insufficient to describe the devastation we are now
living in. They cannot contain our new reality, which is beyond understanding and sensemaking. All we have now is our numbness, and with that comes our silence, until the only sound
to break the echoing silence of our shocked selves is our own weeping.
I heard someone wailing, and it was me.
We ask of ourselves, who is making that terrible sound? Another flash of awareness. We realize
that it is coming from within us, but yet this too feels foreign to us. Not only are we in a new
state of existence because we are bereaved, but now we become aware that something else has
invaded our beings. Every cell of our bodies, every cavern of our minds, every corner of our
souls are permeated with grief. Something much bigger than us is now housed within us. We
are changed by our irreparable losses.
Nothing looks the same. Nothing. Not your marriage. Not your work. Certainly not your
faith if you’ve got one, if you speak honestly.
Where are we then, if nothing looks the same, if we are thrown off our axes? These irreparable
losses have thrust us at the gates of the labyrinth of grief. Every step within this space would be
a step toward our losses and all that accompanies them. We step toward the entrance,
succumbing to our overwhelming numbness and disbelief, and we ask ourselves, where are we
and how could we have ended up here?
I couldn’t feel the sadness. I felt depressed, I think … like I felt grey for a long time. I
didn’t feel the sadness for about two years. Just really this deep sort of, is this my life?
As we enter the labyrinth of grief, we leave the bounds of time. Time goes on without us. Let
the seasons pass without our presences, let the world continue without our participation. For we
once basked in the river of life, which perpetually flowed, moving and propelling us. But the
river of life froze over when death came, and now life continues apart from us, under us. And
each step toward the gates of grief is as if the ice is cracking beneath our feet. But we will not
wade in the river of life like we did before, but be consumed by it. For with it carries the
reminders of our losses, and in these reminders we are drowning, as we too in our own way, are
dying.
And you’re still just like treading water. Didn’t my ship just sink?
Which was hard for my children and for my husband because I just disappeared.

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We disappear into the labyrinth, not knowing what will become of us. We choose to grieve as
our way forward. We do not know where we are heading and to what end, but only that we need
to turn toward our most devastating reality: the losses of our loved ones.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Surrendering to Grief
In entering the labyrinth, we cannot find our place nor map our path. Both are hidden from us.
We try and comfort ourselves with our own predictions of what will come, but these predictions
offer nothing more than blind assurance that the path can be mastered. However, we know from
deeper within, that we cannot be sure of this. Prediction suggests we have some control over
what will become of us. Our anxieties of the unknown are abated as we walk with this
companion we call control for as long as we can. But this is only temporary comfort as we
discover control abandons us the second we come to face our grief. Now we are exposed in our
bare humanness, standing amidst the threatening presence of our grief, which has taken the form
of a shadow which stalks us.
Grief is such a strange thing because it sort of creeps up on you, taps you on the shoulder
when you think you are doing just fine. You think this is a good day. And then suddenly
either you hear a piece of music or you get a memory, and you’re wiped out.
That feeling is … is life threatening to you.
It is in that moment that we decide how to deal with what feels like our impending demise. Do
we freeze, hoping that our paralysis makes us invisible to our stalker? Do we risk turning our
backs and fleeing from its gripping gaze? Do we dare fight with what little energy we can
muster to rid ourselves of grief altogether? Perhaps we attempt all three. In remaining lifeless
and silent, we diminish. We shut down every living part of ourselves, mind and body. We cease
to think, reason, or process; we are cut off from life. In doing so, our ability to experience the
good of this life is limited: our relationships, pleasurable sensations, our capacity for
emotionality, and realizing our values. But we reconcile with these limitations because shutting
down also means an inability to experience this terrible reality we now face. This seems to be
worth the sacrifice. After all, our grief is so menacingly big, barring our path, that there is little
hope for any comfort in this life moving forward. Yes, we say to ourselves, remaining here in
our numbing frozenness means we cannot be harmed by the violent touch of grief. So sitting
down on the path, we administer our own anesthetic and lose consciousness.
There were times when I couldn’t get out of bed … I watched movies. I would check out
through entertainment or read—novel read. Like throw crackers at the kids and just read …
I think I just wanted to turn off.
So like I wasn’t showering, wasn’t wearing makeup. I wasn’t spending time with my
friends. I just kind of retreated from the world and did what I had to survive.
But some of us cannot sleep forever. Perhaps we would have a better existence if we resolved to
flee rather than to remain frozen. Creating distance feels more comfortable, as our eyes are
redirected toward other possibilities. Yes, more and more distance. Distance creates space
between us and our grief, and gives us time to address the life we were accustomed to living. In

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our flight, we busy ourselves with our demanding workloads and our ripening piles of
responsibilities. In our flight, we assume the needs of others who are still living and center
ourselves around these needs. In our flight, we look to substances and materials to light our path
back to normality. In our flight, we do not stop to consider which avenue is safest as long as it
separates us from the shadow which seeks to swallow us.
Again, it was doing for other people, that’s—yeah, that’s how I coped. That’s how I coped.
I would drink a little, never getting drunk, but I always felt like … because if you have a
drink it’s a natural relaxant. I just felt like, ‘oh I would have a drink’, ‘oh it just calms me
down, makes things easier to cope with.’ Then the next day I wanted one. Well then the
next day I wanted one. Then the next day I wanted one. Then I just thought, ‘this is an
addictive pattern.’
But what of us who cannot freeze nor flee? For something within us cannot stand the reality that
our grief exists. We cannot endure the thought of its advancing proximity to us, every approach
reminding us that more and more we are deprived, and anguished, and alone. No, this alien
shadow must be annihilated. We feel the tears emerging, soon to be released upon our
cheeks. We have decided we cannot allow this to happen. We aggressively breathe in so that we
completely dry ourselves of the flood of emotion which would surely overcome us. In doing so,
we become like the desert ground, barren, hardened, indifferent. No tears come. We do not
cry.
I was not going to cry. This is too big.
For what seems like an instant, the shadow of grief has vanished. It almost seems fitting to take
pride in our success. Despite our exhaustion, we were strong enough to move grief out of our
way. We turn our attention toward leaving the abysmal labyrinth, until we stumble over our
dismay at the harrowing return of our shadowy stalker.
If you fight it off, it gets bigger.
I was just kind of restless, irritable, discontent, and I got the sense that I had some
unresolved stuff around my husband’s death that I needed to go back and work through.
We are again faced with the decision of how to deal with our grief, but neither of these options
seem to guarantee our survival. How can we escape that which knows how to sneak up on
us? In our failed efforts, we give pause to consider if there is an alternative way of dealing. The
longer we look at grief, the clearer we see it. It is a terrible sight which brings an unsettling
revelation. We discover it is not alien at all, but rather very much a part of us. We question how
we can disappear from ourselves, how we can escape from ourselves, how we can defeat
ourselves. The answers we are hoping for do not emerge, but instead, a voice within us beckons
us to surrender to our grief.
I can’t control this process, so I’m going to stop fighting the current.
In our efforts to seek distance between us and our grief, we distance from ourselves. Our grief is
within us, a part of who are now because it is a witness to the deep relationships we lost. Our

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grief is the ever-present testament of our devotion to the other who is no longer here. It belongs
to us. We realize that the fight with the shadow is a fight against ourselves. That in becoming a
desert, we further deprive ourselves of the very thing which sustains us: our grief. When we
think we are barren and poor, forever stumbling around the desert death left us in, grieving
provides the puddle from which we drink. Grieving becomes not a friend, not something we feel
affection for, but rather a familiar, something we open ourselves to encounter. As we surrender
to encountering our grief, we become aware of what was or what could have been. We sense
that turning away from our grief may worsen us.
I sometimes feel a little messed up over it, but I think if you don’t deal with the grieving
properly, I think you’d be more messed up over it.
So it’s imperative that somehow those of us who have lost somebody, find a way through,
find their path, through grief … because you can become bitter. You can become angry and
scared and absorbed in it. It can define you.
We say no to entrapment and confinement of embitterment. Instead we relinquish control and
choose to engage with our grief. In turning toward our losses, we open ourselves to the
unexpected and let come what may. We are no surer of our grieving path as we were before, but
we allow it to exist in its foreignness.
I was surprised by the anger. I was surprised by the numbness. I am surprised that four
years later I am much more emotional about it. So I think I found grief surprising in its
intensity, complexity, and unpredictableness. It’s frustrating. I think like every human being
on the planet, I want the magic bullet: Okay so my mom died. That’s really sad. We have
the funeral. We talk about it. We cry for two months, feel sad for two more months, and
life carries on. And no. It’s just like this: You’ve got this secret closet. You’re not quite sure
where it is, but every once in a while a boogeyman sneaks out of it and goes “AGH”, and
you’re like ‘I am trying to pay taxes, and have babies, and make pie and you’re just messing
with my—’ Yeah, comes out of nowhere, just whenever.
In surrendering to our grief, turning toward loss is not an activity to be mastered, but intuited. It
is not a process to be controlled, but relinquished. It cannot be manipulated, but
experienced. And our experience of turning toward loss is intricate and labyrinthine in nature.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Choosing Community
As we begin to navigate the dark, void halls of the labyrinth of grief, we wonder whether or not
we are alone. We continue stumbling without a clear answer. We desperately want a resounding
no. We want to turn the corner and find a people waiting for us, a people to belong to. We know
these people would not be able to take us out of this place, rid us of our grief, nor bring back the
ones we lost.
No one can take your path … no one can wear your pain. You want to escape out of it, but
nobody can.

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We know that being bereaved belongs to us, as much as we wish it never did, but perhaps being
with others would ease the terror of the unknown we face. As we stand with a longing look into
the darkness, we feel the sting of another separation. We become aware that our separation with
the ones we lost is not the end, but rather the beginning of another rupture. Are we alone? We
answer our own question with a reluctant, 'it sure feels this way, yes'. But again, that voice
speaks to us and suggests the answer we seek is not so simple, for the question of the other in the
labyrinth is a both, and answer. We are both alone in our anguish, as by its nature, the condition
of being bereaved segregates us from those around us.
It was really lonely, really lonely because that’s not a month after my mom died, it’s a year
later or however long later … I didn’t understand how long it was going to be. I felt
alienated, especially having gone through that. You’re like dealing with something so big,
and my friends are like, ‘Yeah my mom’s going to babysit the kids.’, ‘My husband and I are
going away for our 7th anniversary.’ I’m like, ‘My dead mother’s in my garage.’ It’s very
alienating. And that’s not anyone’s fault, but it’s hard. Really hard. And lonely, so lonely.
And we are in perfect union with the shared experience of grief, which is weaved throughout
humanity. This is so because death is guaranteed to us, and thus so is grief. When the veil which
hides death from us is severed, our eyes are opened to the devastation of death in others’ lives
too.
But in front of me was another mom from Compassionate Friends. Two other moms I
know lost their children. There are loads of me out there. I’m not unique. It’s not just my
pain. Yeah, it’s everybody’s. It’s everybody’s pain.
So we walk suspended between these two parallel plights, touching both sides of our present
reality. As we continue along our path, we hear whispers of our condemning culture. We are
reminded not to look at death, not to touch death, not even to speak its name. But we had no
choice. Death made itself known to us, and stole the ones we love. It cannot be undone, and we
cannot bear to be silent. We even look at those around us in dismay and disbelief, as they
distance themselves from us. The more we speak of our torment, the more we are isolated.
I feel like a lot of people are really uncomfortable with grief, especially touching someone
else’s grief. Everybody dies. It’s not like this isn’t happening, but our culture is really stupid
and inconsiderate about grief … You’re like a leper.
We become the representatives of mortality, whose voices are not to be heard. We are
countercultural, extra-societal. Our roles are to stand apart and line the outer parameter of our
communities. We are to face the opposite direction and cast our gaze downward, outward,
upward, inward, any direction but toward the other. We serve, not as relational beings, but as
reminders that death is among us waiting for its inevitable encounter with each one of us.
I think our culture is obsessed with immortality, endless youth … everyone buys into that
because it’s cultural.
People do not know in life, do not know how to handle people who have lost people. It’s
like a forbidden thing. You do not talk about death … death is a scary thing to talk about for
people.

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The silence of our separation reverberates through the space around us. As we wonder how we
will continue this way, we find that we are not fully left to our loneliness in the labyrinth. As we
lift our gaze forward, we discover that there are those who cross the chasm and come close to us.
They have come to witness the work of death’s hand and stand with us in our bereavement.
Among these, we see familiar and foreign faces, the faces of our communities and the
communities of the deceased. We grip the hands of our friends and family. We are surrounded
by people.
People came over, our friends and family, and they kissed her.
We didn’t have the funeral for more than a week. We wanted to give people the chance to
come from out of town. Lots of people came.
These people serve as the ground where we bear ourselves when we are thrown off our axes into
the expansive realm of surrealism. We speak their names aloud and steady ourselves. We have
a feeling for survival. We are strengthened in being surrounded. Their presences assure us we
will not perish into the abyss of alienation.
I was like, ‘It’s okay, you got this, right?’ Like, ‘I’ve got faith. I’ve got my husband. I’ve got
my kids. It’s going to be okay.
But as time continues, we learn that there are many forms of presence. We begin to feel the
paradox of physical presence and emotional distance. Pieces of ourselves are separating once
again from others. The further into the labyrinth we venture, the further away we feel from
others. We become observers of our world, drifting in and out of conversations and discourses.
Being with others serves as a spotlight for our abnormality. We are not quite right. Death has
made us deviants; our deprivation displaces us.
I don’t feel normal. You see everybody else. They’ve got both parents and grandparents
involved with their kids’ lives. You see girls getting together with their sisters and stuff like
that.
I felt weird … I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt uncomfortable talking to people.
We evaluate ourselves against the social norms and deem ourselves unable to maintain the status
quo. The thoughts that become us, the words that hang from our lips seem to not fit where they
fall. When do we speak of the ones we have lost? Where can we grieve them? We find
ourselves at celebrations, mixers, and social gatherings only to silence ourselves for fear that we
would bring death into the room. Why speak of death when others are full of nothing but life
and laughter? There does not seem to be an opportune moment to tell of our turmoil. The
labyrinth of grief has never felt so suffocating as we sit here in stagnant silence.
Some days you sit in a room full of all your friends, and you’re like figuring out how to just
be in the room and not be noticed because what you want to talk about is not socially
acceptable right now.

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Physical closeness, but emotional distance … perhaps this is an understatement. We are on
completely different planes of existence than those around us. As we continue to observe the
world we were once a part of, we notice the speed at which it revolves. We wonder how people
are able to maneuver under the force of this momentum. They seem to move in every direction
but toward us. We shift in the shells of our bodies, no one seeming to notice how hollow we are.
I felt so isolated because people say the stupidest stuff. They are trying, they just … I felt
like people were done. For a month for two, ‘Oh that’s sad.’ And then people move on.
They don’t want to hear about you saying you’re struggling anymore, at or least, you feel like
they don’t.
Others may occasionally inquire about our state of being, offering a cursory opportunity for us to
reveal ourselves. At times we choose to remain in our shells, knowing that this keeps us separate
but also safe. We consider that holding our own hands may preserve what is left of us, for fear
of further estrangement.
I feel like a misfit sometimes. Yeah, because of it … It’s probably a combo. They don’t
know how to talk about it, but yet maybe I’ve kind of internalized it too. I didn’t reach out.
How much longer can we endure being estranged, living in a strange place? This is not in our
nature. We need relationship. We know that we are not the only ones to stumble about the
labyrinth of grief. Where are the others like me, who are also bewildered in their bereavement?
We crave community as an antidote to alienation. How can we grieve in isolation when our
losses have obliterated us to pieces? We are fragmented, too overwhelmed to pick up the pieces
alone and stitch ourselves together. We need a community with us, who will hold and help us.
Some to contain the pieces, and some to pick them up and hand them back to us.
It makes me wonder how people without a strong community do it because you’d go
freaking insane. I don’t think you can do it without it.
Those we choose and those who are willing to be a part of our community may not be the ones
we anticipated. We find that our place of belonging is shifting, for the people who were a part of
that place may no longer be able to bear with us. We cannot remain the same as we were,
stationary and settled. Now we are like wanderers, walking the path of our grief. We grow
distant from those who cannot walk alongside of us. This distance is not what we ever hoped
for, but what now needs to be as we turn toward our losses.
Because my place was so clearly somewhere else, so I couldn’t look after my husband and be
there for him when my other family needed me. Oh I felt terribly conflicted, terribly
conflicted. He was so angry with me, and I just absolutely couldn’t deal with it.
In turning toward our losses, we begin to turn away from those who have already turned from us.
We stop longing for their connection nor their comfort. We stop waiting for them to speak the
words we need to hold us. We allow the other to be on their own way, and we turn to continue
on ours.

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I’m not going to not talk about her. If they don’t like that, they can not come over. I love
them, but I’m not going to play that game.
We allow ourselves to grieve our losses in full intensity and complexity. This freedom to do so
may separate us from those who have not afforded themselves such freedom. This separation is
like a barrier through which we relate with one another, filtering our exchanges, and barring that
which cannot be encountered: grief. As we continue in our relationship, we learn which subjects
are sanctioned, and which subjects are skirted. Our relationships become centered around the
comings and goings of daily demands, but our deepest suffering remains a stranger to them.
I said I was melancholy and somebody would ask me what’s going on, and I’d say, ‘Well we
are coming up to another anniversary and I’m just feeling melancholy.’ And they’d say, ‘Oh
well at least you know where he is and you will see him again.’ I’m just so thankful that not
everybody is that way.
We can endure this depth of relating because our suffering is substantiated by others who are
willing to stand amidst it.
My daughter and I are completely connected in terms of our losses, but she’s really the only
one. I find the others afraid to bring it up in case they might cause me angst when I don’t
have any. I don’t really know but that’s my suspicion. And that’s okay.
We release others who cannot endure the tension, who cannot tolerate their helplessness. We
lean into those who know they are not life-savers, they cannot revive the ones we lost, but who
choose to be life-givers, holding the weight of us and our grief.
I felt very supported … Nobody can wear it for you, but I felt buoyed up and supported.
These people turn toward us as we turn toward our losses. They contain us by providing solidity
as we are swept away by our flood of emotion. They are the pillars we hold onto when we feel
our grief is taking everything from us. They know we have little to give in return; at times we
are completely impoverished. But in spite of this, they remain steadfast and bestow
encouragement physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I had a very good friend in Victoria who just wrapped me up, and I slept at her house.
She’d just put her arm around me and give me an extra hug and tell me, ‘We’ll keep praying
for you’ and ‘I understand.’ And other people, the same kind of thing.
The kids and my husband all encouraged me to go to church because they knew I needed
that to boost my battery and keep my strength. And I did.
We choose to surround ourselves with those who appreciate our labouring through. There is a
feeling for the other we share that does not need to be spoken aloud. We are understood by one
another. We liberate ourselves in the midst of being understood, and we unarm ourselves in the
experiencing of it. Our suffering is grasped by the other, and we hold it together, and so doing,
we hold each other.

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That night my brother and I walked for hours. We didn’t really talk about it but we walked
together, which is not like us. We’ve never done that before. We’ve never done that since.
I just wanted to be with him because he understood.
We are faced toward the other in this experience of being understood. We are just being. Our
minds are not concerned with social graces; our bodies are not squirming for escape. We are
simply here together. We breathe in the air of togetherness. The labyrinth of grief is now not so
dark, as looking toward the other provides the soft glow of promise that we will make it through.
I got to be with other parents who really understood, and I saw that my experience could
help them. That takes you out of yourself. See, this takes me out of myself.
And what it was, was just being together.
There are those in our community who will contain us in our falling, stumbling, and breaking as
we grieve. They support us with their strength and encouragement, and they allow us to emerge
as we are in every living moment. This allows us to encounter them intimately, and they come to
know us deeply as we come to know them.
I think that it has deepened my relationships … because I am able to be real. And I’m not,
I’m not morose. I’m not depressed. I’m living in reality. I am functioning well, but there
are days when I am just sad and that’s the way it is … Two of them are particularly good at
allowing me to be where I am at any given point in time.
They are the ones who peer into the labyrinth and encourage us that it is okay to be where we
are. They nurture us as we turn toward our losses, providing stability, stamina, and sustenance.
There are also those of our community who will walk into the labyrinth with us. Some of these
companions will be in labyrinths of their own, others who are further along or having already
made it through.
Talking with other women who have lost their mothers particularly has been beautiful and
helpful because it’s four years, and I still feel really sad.
As we turn toward our losses, we realize that to grieve in isolation would be futile. We would
remain forlorn, deprived of relationship with the ones we lost, and deprived of relationship with
the ones still with us. Grieving together enrichens our connection with one another.
Because when you’re grieving, you’re not usually grieving alone … You’re supporting others
who have also lost that person.
So part of the closeness in our family is being able to talk about her.
We grieve with one another through opening ourselves to the other, and sharing our intimate
bonds with the deceased with one another. We immerse ourselves together in memories and
experiences we cherish. We come close together in allowing our suffering to be felt by the other,
and allowing their suffering to impress upon us.

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I think with my immediate family, it’s always been easy to talk. I think the door is already
open there. We can sit there and reminisce, and look at old pictures together and shed some
tears together. My husband is the same. He would be included in conversations like that.
Same with our kids. We really felt that.
We have permission to grieve, and with this permission comes the invitation to expose ourselves.
We may step into the terrifying unknown and confess our innermost anguish. We unveil our
broken hearts for the other to see. This is courage in its truest form. We trust in the other to
contain us and come alongside, because we cannot grieve alone.
One of my sponsees from AA, her husband … called and wanted to know how I was. And
I dared to tell him the truth that I was not well, not good. And I explained to him some of
what was going on, and he asked me, ‘Would you like me to come over?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’
Our grief seems much bigger than we are, but we stand in solidarity with others amidst our
suffering. We say ‘yes’ to walking the labyrinth of grief with others. We say ‘yes’ to turning
toward our losses together. United, we say ‘yes’ to enduring and encountering all that is to come
our way.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Permitting and Pursuing Grief
In turning toward our losses, we allow ourselves to encounter all that comes with being
bereaved. How is it that we do this? Through actively choosing to permit and pursue our
grief. When we come to face our grief, we respond to its presence by permitting its touch. This
permission is an act of consenting to an encounter with our grief. This means that we surrender
to the grief within us and open ourselves to the emerging movement of emotions. Surrendering
to our grief is an act of allowing its presence to be with us, but it is still yet to be fully
encountered. It is like we are walking in the labyrinth of grief when we become again aware of
our shadowy stalker. Opposed to fleeing from its discomforting presence, we permit it to walk
alongside of us. In opening ourselves, we undam the flood of fluid emotionality within and
through us. There are also other times when we are walking alone, and we become tired, thirsty,
and weary. We feel hardened and desolate like the desert, so we call upon grief to meet us. We
seek the flood of emotion. We sense the nearness of our grief, so we pursue its presence in the
effort to encounter it. In turning toward our losses, we often choose to both permit and pursue
our grief.
Yeah just allowing it to happen then, and other times I want to have a good cry.
When we permit our grief, we stop trying to contain and manipulate our emotionality, but rather
allow it to remain unpredictably nonlinear.
Then about two years I started feeling. I think anger was next. I mean it’s all tangled.
I found it kind of confusing.

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The complexity of feeling is difficult to disentangle. But despite our failed efforts to understand
how we can be feeling a multitude of opposing emotions simultaneously, we allow it to come. In
doing so, we learn that our grief does not consume us.
I just let it happen. Just like that. You let it happen and then it, it just ebbs away. Just ebbs
away.
In permitting our encounter with grief, we take notice of it. We notice that we are not trapped in
its clutches but rather released in choosing to give time to the encounter. This time that we give
ourselves, and our grief, paves our path with freedom. Freedom to experience our grief fully.
We have risked the possibility that we would spend the rest of our living days bound by our
grief, but we have found that this is not so.
Just in the past year to 6 months, if I notice I’m feeling, I’ll just sit down and say, ‘Okay let’s
think about it and just give myself like whatever.’
If you give yourself time, all you need is like a couple minutes, like ten minutes.
How do we know we need to permit ourselves to grieve? How do we know to take a knee,
surrendering ourselves to its presence, and to allow it to move within us? We lean into the
wisdom of others who have also been thrown into the labyrinth of grief. The path we walk is a
path that has been learned by those before us, and will be learned by those to come. With this
knowledge, we teach ourselves how to permit the encounter with the shadow.
I had to really learn how to cry. I had to have help learning how to allow that feeling and the
expression of it.
And you get through it knowing that the steps you take are the steps that other people have
taken.
In permitting the expression of our grief, something profound reveals itself. When we connect to
the grief that is within us in every waking moment, we discover that we can withstand it. Our
suffering is met with our strength. Despite our doubts, we bear the anguish. Although nothing
within us feels as though we are enduring the great pain of our deprivation, we are doing just
that.
Movies do it for me, too. Sitting down, watching a movie … For me, crying through a
movie is healing for me. Yeah it’s good therapy.
Our healing does not lie in the conquering of grief, but rather the experiencing of it. There are
even moments of enduring our grief where we detect the smallest sense of relief thereafter. This
is how we happen upon our experience of good. We do not experience our grief in its totality as
good, rather we come to fathom that experiencing grief itself brings relief. This relief feels like a
moment of reprieve, where we catch our breath to ensure we have remained alive. And we have,
we are still living. It is as if our encounter with grief serves as a reminder of our vitality. Like a
distant memory, we welcome the feeling of aliveness. We have experienced the small spark of
goodness amidst our grief. We seek this feeling through the pursuit of another encounter with it,

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and we make time for it. Our pursuing of the encounter with grief means we evoke it to meet us
on our path through altering the atmosphere around us. We do not wait for grief to come out of
its closet and approach us, rather we create the opening for it to step through. We intentionally
participate in that which evokes our grief, thus giving space to listen to what is deep within us
and allow the expression of it.
I’d go into my office and close the door, listen to the music, have a really good cry.
In the pursued encounter, we serve as witnesses to the expression of our feelings, and this
liberates us from what was harboured within. Many pieces of the what within which befall us are
regrettably familiar. We expect the suffering of our deprivation, which often takes the form of
an endless, solemn sadness, saturating our beings.
It’s like wearing a big freaking wedding dress, that’s not a wedding dress. Like a wedding
dress of sadness. Just wear it. Do the dishes in your sadness wedding dress. Go shopping
in your sadness wedding dress. Just with you.
The sadness is ever so cumbersome, but soon becomes unfathomable as the anguish seeps in.
I allow myself to experience all the emotions that come with that process. Particularly, the
pain.
Grieving would be going through the emotions and allowing yourself to feel numb for a
while … and when the numbness goes away kind of like having surgery … the numbness,
the painkillers are gone. And then the pain and oh, oh boy.
We anticipate feeling the pain, despite reluctance to do so. And this anticipation is shared by
others around us, as pain is the assumed consequence following the loss of those important to
us. So the pain, although loathsome, is expected, but we also open ourselves to a complexity of
emotion which may be unexpected.
So, angry that she basically cut my heart out and then died. I was frustrated with her
immaturity and her brokenness. I was relieved that she was dead and couldn’t hurt me
anymore. I was relieved that she would never call and scream at me again … She was really
hurtful, so I felt a lot of anger. Then shame about that anger. Then people would be like,
‘Oh it’s hard when your mom dies.’ I’d be like ‘Oh, I’m relieved.’ You can’t say that, so
then you feel this…
And there’s regret too … maybe I could have helped more when she was sick. I felt regret.
Along with the pain, we experience the emotions we do not voice aloud for fear of scrutiny, but
they are real nevertheless. Breathing in the air of relief is not without consequences, for this
breath becomes tainted. As it is absorbed, we evoke shame, guilt, and regret in our wake. They
are like pits of quicksand along our path, ready to shroud us in darkness. What happened to the
fleeting shred of vitality we once held onto? Our hearts are crippled, struggling to circulate life
within us. Our lungs are collapsed, no longer any breath to sustain us. We are reminded that
grief is housed within us, permeating our every cell. Yes, our grief is embodied.

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It is a physical pain. Grief is a physical pain. You actually think your heart will break. You
think your heart will break … I felt that. You feel you can’t breathe.
I felt it in my body. My body was always sick. I always had digestive issues. I would vomit.
I would have nose bleeds.
Like Atlas who was doomed to bear the earth for eternity upon his shoulders, we too buckle
under the weight of our burden: bereavement. We remember that surreal feeling. It is not just
the earth we are bearing. It is something far greater: the earth and the cosmos. The labyrinth of
grief feels boundless. That voice within us beckons again. Go to sleep. Our desperation for
respite is intuited.
I felt tired. I think it was my—I think I just wanted to turn off. I think my spirit just said,
sleep, and I did. Feeling the intensity of my feelings, or not feeling, or the effort of not
feeling … I don’t know what it was. I just slept.
The need is dire, for if we do not rest now, we will die on this path.
I had gotten to the place where I knew if I did not get away for a break, I wouldn’t be able to
finish the journey because you’re on 24/7.
I just needed a break. I needed to get away by myself from everything.
In taking respite, we are retreating to sanctuary. In this sanctuary, we are free to rest and be still,
or to roam and be stimulated. We become disencumbered, creating space between us and our
burdens. We become weightless, moving without constraint. We become observers, soaking in
the scenery.
I was able to sit, and watch nature, and not have any demands on me.
It was a wonderful Christmas because I was away. It was all tango and water. It was lovely,
and that was good.
This sanctuary is a place of solace, where our minds rest and our bodies regenerate. We
shamelessly release our tears with no fear of ridicule. It is like a homecoming where we
experience freedom to nurture ourselves as if we were young innocents.
Something so liberating for me is thinking of myself like one of my children. Would I make
my children go without sleep or without food? Or if their hearts were broken, would I say,
‘Shut up and do your work?’ I wouldn’t. So learning to treat myself like one of my children
like, ‘Okay, you’re feeling sad about that? Okay why? Why do you feel that way?’ ‘Well I
saw that and that reminded me of that, and that makes me think of mom.’ Just sitting down.
We nurture ourselves by attending to what we need without expectation of what we ought to be
doing. We recognize that although we can endure our ongoing anguish, we cannot rely on our
fortitude alone. We must also cultivate the ability to know when to stop pushing through. We

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discern when it is time to attend to our wounds that have been afflicted upon us by the seamy
underbelly of grief. When it is time, we seek sanctuary to serve as the ground which holds us,
where we are free to come undone.
I needed respite. Friends offered to come stay at their place … I was gone for 24 hours …
the 24 hours was a relief. A real, real, huge relief not to have my ear constantly
listening. Not to have any expectations on me for anything because it was intense, incredibly
intense.
What we have been enduring and encountering has been life changing. It is so significant that
we choose to make a written record, to never forget this place. This record serves as a home
where we come back to ourselves and give voice to the ungraspable in ways that speaking does
not. As we write in this sanctuary, we create space between us and our grief. We remove
ourselves from the front lines and heal from our injuries. We distance ourselves to express,
process, and resist the temptation to keep pushing, which we know would prove unavailing. As
we write, we build a monument to the pain we suffer, never to forget our deprivation.
Writing was a safe place for me to compile my thoughts and also as a way of
processing. Sometimes I would write it out and I’d be like yeah, that’s how it feels. And I
couldn’t have sat down and talked with you to tell you. When I had time to measure my
thoughts and comb through them, I was able to say this is how it feels. And even just
reading it, was healing to say yeah, I at least understand me … So I wrote a lot. To process,
to make a record, to imbue significance. To put, this is significant.
There is no limit to this monument. We continue to build it, brick by brick, word by word, as a
means to seek the ones we lost and rectify our relational poverty.
You just write. Write and write and write and write. Get it all out on the page. I have always
written, but certainly after my son died, that was a tremendous help to me. To write. Write
poetry.
In our writing, we encounter a perfect paradox. Our writing distances us from ourselves so that
we may step back and reflect on all that we have endured. We reflect on the monument we have
built, but in creating such a place of remembrance, we have also come close to our ourselves.
Writing has deepened our experience of ourselves, which leads us to encounter the grief within
us. Not only have we sought sanctuary from our grief through writing, but we have also pursued
an encounter with it. Writing serves an activity which undams the flood of our grief and washes
over us.
It was … I think the word’s cathartic. I would weep and it was so … a relief. Because I was
weirded out when I couldn’t cry. Because I’ve always been a crier my entire life. And now I
cry maybe 10% of what I would have in the past, like it just—something like seared
shut. Because it’s weird to know there is something really bad down here and you know it
should come out, why isn’t it coming out? Normally, I cry. I let it out. And it just
wouldn’t. And I would weep while I wrote … there was so much relief that it was coming
out.

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We feel the heat of our emotion welling up within us, only to come rushing out through our cries.
It is as if the earth and the cosmos, which we have been bearing on our shoulders, releases the
oceans through our beings. Our hearts uncrippled, our lungs expanding, we feel the weight of
our burden is slightly more tolerable. We can sense the nearness of liberation.
It’s kind of a cleansing feeling for me. I feel that any time I cry is—I welcome it … I don’t
cry easy so when I do, it feels very cleansing. I feel like I’m getting something out. I’m
getting a burden out of some sort. So, for me it’s a good thing.
And as we unburden, we feel this cleansing activity transform the more we engage with it.
Crying becomes weeping becomes wailing. We can only serve as witnesses to ourselves, as the
echo of our pain seizes our entire bodies. Our eyes are no longer the windows to our souls, but
riverbeds for our relentless tears. Our mouths, now serving as stewards of our souls, deliver the
true sound of our suffering. Our ears are gripped by the vibrations of our agony. Our muscles,
subdued by this force within, are overcome with exertion. No logic nor reason reign our beings,
for this is purely primordial. Wailing serves as the ultimate justice to the sacred value we have
lost in the death of our loved ones.
I’d go upstairs into my music room, and turn on my music, and lay down on the floor and
wail. Just wail. Kübler-Ross talks about primal scream, well that’s what it was like …
And it comes right from the depths of my being … Wailed. No, it’s not crying. It’s
wailing. My whole being. It’s engaged. I roll. I roll back and forth. There’s a moaning and
groaning. My whole being.
In our wailing, our poorness is consummated. In our wailing, our bodies become the vessels of
our mourning. In our wailing, we die by shedding all that is not of ourselves. In our wailing, we
see we are in centre of the labyrinth, where our transformation begins.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Transformation of Self
In relinquishing our hold on our inner torment, we abandon ourselves to the abyss. We step into
the dwelling of darkness. We have never fixed our eyes on such blackness, the culmination of
every shadow we have encountered thus far. We are oppressed by our captors which bind us:
our doubt, our exhaustion, our fear. Our wails continue to well up within us, and we wonder if
this is the birthplace of death. We have come to the end of ourselves.
You come to the bottom of who you really are, and you think, ‘I don’t got anymore’.
Our loved ones have been stolen from us. We feel we have lost everything. We look upward to
the vastness and bellow. We have nothing left. We feel the inhospitable hold of the ground
beneath us. The hardness hurts as our lungs wane and our bodies weaken.
You lay there and you’re like, ‘I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do it. It hurts too bad.
It hurts too bad.’
We feel the burn of our exertion, our abdomens erupting. We are completely spent, but despite
our depletion, an incipient something begins to emerge. This is not the cold touch of death as we

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remember it, but the foreign feeling of pure heat radiating from our core. It is not a flame to
consume us, but a spark to ignite us.
And it punches through. And there is a deeper place in you. And it punches through.
We feel a fiery force within us, exploding brilliance against the blackness. Our luminous beings
suck the darkness out of the room. Now there is nothing to feed our captors, and no one to
confine.
Grief has burned the bullshit off of me.
We are unchained and unrestrained, shedding ourselves of all that is not of us. Our grief has
incinerated the judgement, expectations, and perfections we have tried to uphold. All of these
are ashes at our feet. We choose to step out from the embers around us and feel the earth anew.
We stand fully turned toward our losses, completely one with ourselves.
And then you do it. And you’re like, ‘Okay, I don’t want to do that. That did not feel good.
But, I am mighty.’
Here we remain, in the centre of the labyrinth of grief, truly transformed. It is as if we are
meeting ourselves for the first time. The unwavering voice of gentle guidance has shown itself
in its mightiness. It is unquestionably our authentic self, serving as a well within us—the very
source of life sustaining us through our suffering.
And there’s these, these places of depth.
In these places, we move freely without limitations. We welcome the strange sensation of
strength. We feel the power in our stride. There is nothing to bar our path nor prevent us from
embracing ourselves. We are moving without restraint in this space, and this too is strange. We
discover the absence of a disdained, familiar foe we know as fear. We cannot be hindered by it,
for these places of depth are boundless in breadth, extending far beyond our anxiety. We have
turned toward our most intimate pain and withstood in its presence, what now is there to fear?
Like when my grandchild died, then when the next grandchild arrived, I had fear. And when
my daughter died, I had fear for all the rest of my family. For quite a long time … I would
fear what was going on in their lives and those kinds of things. I haven’t really experienced
fear since my husband died in that context. I think that age has something to do with it, but
as well as being able to really honour your feelings, and express them, and not take on the,
‘I’m okay.’ Not allow people to shut you down.
We are in alignment with our truest selves, and in this, we accept our agency. Our
transformation has renewed our affinity for living. Fear is no longer a factor in our choice for
life, for there is neither the time nor space to be constrained. We have never before so firmly
understood the meaning of carpe diem.
I’m not going to be afraid to do this or afraid to do that., because we die. We die. There is a
day where I can’t choose anymore so I am going to choose today.

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We let go of the beliefs which coerced us to be separate from who we truly are. These beliefs
were like immiscible layers pressed upon us to keep our person concealed from us. Now these
layers have been stripped away, our person is made transparent. We reach for our restored
selves, to hold fast all which we had forsaken. We embrace our temporal beings as they are. We
allow the sincere expression of our physicality to emerge.
Losing my son helped me age. You see the white hair? I didn’t use to have that, the white
lines. Thank you, son. Aging gracefully with life experience became a treasure. Not
something I had to not be.
We cannot identify with the unattainable, with that which is merely illusion. We could never
flourish in falseness. In pursuing perfection, we would continue unfilled, foregoing the
sustenance of relationship for sake of vain achievement.
And I’m not the perfect mom … I mean I stayed home to bring up my kids. That was my
job. That was my thing. And when something like my son happens, you can’t have your
nose in the air anymore that you’re pretty good at this because clearly shit happens to
anybody.
We cannot deny that suffering is guaranteed to us all, so we stop chasing useless safeguards.
Our time is precious, not to be wasted on trivial pursuits. Instead we turn away from that which
is not of us, and realize how we are transformed. That voice within us is now distinctly
discerned and we discover who we essentially are.
So it just, it changed me deeply, that her death and grieving have, but I think in good ways.
They have made me old, but an old spirit I think is a gift. I’m wiser, kinder, better, stronger.
I have a whole new sense of confidence in my competency.
Our capacity to endure the sorrow of our loss has strengthened. Our capacity to embrace all that
the world offers has widened. Our capacity to meet ourselves in our true appearing has
deepened. We are nothing but capacity, potentiality. We breathe in the air of these places of
depth. We were wrong in perceiving this to be the birthplace of death, for this is the inception of
life itself. This limitless expanse is the wellspring of our creativity.
It’s like there’s this creativity in me that is just—and I wrote my book and published it.
There is just this creativity in me that’s being expressed, and it’s a gift.
It is here, in the centre of the labyrinth, where we are heightened, widened, deepened. In our
labour of turning toward our losses, we have birthed our ingenuity. We used to roam the world
masking our authenticity, our aversion of rejection motivating us. But now we assert ourselves
and voice authoritatively, we are who we are.
Because for so long, I was like a chameleon. I tried to twist myself into what I thought you
wanted me to be. No. No. I am who I am. If you like me, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s
fine too.

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If others turn away, we are not left to our loneliness. We are with ourselves. We have created
sanctuary amidst our suffering. We have comforted ourselves amidst our cries. We know we
can endure. We know we will not perish. We know that there are those who will stand with us,
and keep us from drowning in the undercurrent of our grief. We know that it is not only others
who turn toward us, but that we too choose to turn toward others. We do not sacrifice ourselves
for sake of acceptance, but rather we share ourselves for sake of intimacy.
Part of it is that I was always—I was first a mother, a wife, and it was always about caring for
and doing for others. And now it’s about me, and my relationship with the Lord and of
course other people, but there’s just—it’s just about me being me and sharing that with
whoever I choose to share it with.
As we look toward emerging from these places of depth, we reflect on the path of our grieving.
It is the same path we have been walking, but it appears peculiar, not how we have come to
know it. Our metamorphosis has altered the way we turn toward our losses. We are sure we are
still grieving, but it feels distinctly different.
It’s like somebody walking off into the distance. You can’t see them as much the further
they get away. So the same thing as time goes on, you never forget that person, but
eventually the pain goes … There is a point where you don’t feel the heaviness, but you’re
still processing it.
We did not expect this to be a part of our new reality. We had surrendered to our anguish,
submitting to the fact that our pain would remain a heavy burden we could barely hold. But this
seems to be shifting. We assure ourselves we do not like our suffering, but we seem to have a
newfound appreciation for our authentic selves who have surfaced in the midst of it. And as we
walk in wholeness, we find we turn toward our losses in new capacities.
To intentionally grieve? No. No, I don’t. It either catches up with me and then I
experience it. But I don’t, no. Maybe very, very early on. I would say very early on there
were pieces of music that I would listen to knowing that they would get me going, but I
don’t do that anymore.
We were told that time could heal, but we do not afford time such an ability. After all, we are
bereaved beings, living in our ever-present poorness. This will not change because we do not
have the power to reverse death’s hand. As much as we despised our pain, we clutched to it
because it was the just response to the losses we have suffered.
As long as I was grieving him, as long as I was upset, it told me that I was still actively
engaged with him … And it’s that I didn’t want to not¸ to not be terribly sad because it
seemed terrible. And I don’t feel that way now. No, I don’t feel that way now. I cry that
way when I feel sad, but I don’t feel that I have to prove to my son or anybody that I am still
in that state, because I’m not.
We do not stand still in the same place. Our encounter with loss did not change us back to who
we once were, but transformed us anew. As such, healing from their deaths does not mean a

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complete reversal of our loss. Rather, healing is much more than an undoing, but an
experiencing of movement, a re-immersing of ourselves in the river of life.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Rooting in Relationship
In turning towards our loss, we have encountered the shadow of grief and have been
transformed. We wonder now how we could have been so taken aback when our grief surfaced.
How could it not have appeared? For it is the perfect representation of the value we have lost
when our loved ones died. Grieving their deaths has brought us back to a principle we have
forgotten: relationships are a fundamental source of life. They are the rich earth we root
ourselves in, allowing us to grow and flourish. We have been opened to what is most important
in this lifetime; our perspective is now fixated on the essentials.
When your child dies, there are no longer any pretentions in life. You can’t pretend to be
anybody you’re not. And things don’t matter. What matters is this lot (points to pictures of
family). And when you meet somebody, you talk to them and that matters. The rest is fluff.
We can no longer afford to peer over our shoulders and clutch to what is unessential. We can no
longer afford to take for granted that which gives us life. We cannot continue this way, for a
revelation has come upon us that must be fully realized.
And then brushing up with mortality like that, I think you realize how significant your
relationships are.
No, we do not look to the past to be as we were, but set our eyes on those who are with us in the
present. We have a newfound understanding of the impact we have on humanity. We have felt
our powerlessness at the hands of death, unable to prevent it nor change it. This we know we
cannot control, but we are not helpless amidst others. We have the power to bear with, to bring
change, to provide hope, to give life.
It’s just shown me what I do is very significant to the people around me.
We can choose to do this, just as others did for us when we were floundering in our fear of death
and flood of emotion. There were those of our community who dared to break through the
barrier of our grief, who walked into our labyrinth and held us up.
I came back out of it because of the people around me.
There were even those whose mere presences were the embodiment of life itself. Their beings,
just as they are, brought us back to the living. It was in their nearness that we learned life
beckons life. We looked upon their faces, we touched their hands, we embraced them close to
us. We peered into their eyes and saw goodness, in which we desperately longed to bask.
She’s my last grandbaby. She is the reason I think I really came back to life … Yeah, so life
brings back life.

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Death had dropped us into a dreadful nightmare, but others brought us back to life. They bathed
us with love and loyalty. They continually assured us of our worth when we wanted to admit
defeat and they backed us when we endured our anguish.
I feel loved and cherished.
Without relationships, we would not have made our way through grief. With this knowledge,
comes the wisdom to extend the same compassion for others. We know intimately how heavy
such burdens are, how harrowing encounters with grief are, so we too offer companionship.
It has given me such a depth of empathy and grace for people.
We appeal to others in our community to also extend the same mercy, compassion, and kindness.
These are the cornerstones of life and healing. We remember what is was like to be pushed to
the perimeters of our society, forced to look away in our own pain. We remember what it was
like for our deceased, when they were in the midst of their own suffering. Having endured the
awful alienation, we cannot allow it come to pass for another. We need to bring those who are
burdened into the centre. We need to look them in the eye and remind them they are held. It is
no longer our place to separate ourselves from them. Our place is with them, in the thick of their
turmoil. Our task is to bring benevolence.
When you see young people on the street, they’re somebody’s son or maybe somebody’s
husband. They’re somebody’s somebody, and life hasn’t gone well for them. Don’t judge
them, help them out. Keep them alive for one more day. Don’t make the judgement that if
I give them money, they’ll go to drugs. Yeah they probably will, so what? They are alive one
more day. Keep them alive for one more day because you never know what that one more
day will bring … I had the judgement before: pull yourself together, the British get it
together, it’s up to you. And we all realized that my son couldn’t.
In turning toward our loss, we close the gap between us and others, and we pursue relationship
with those around us. As we continue to walk the path of grief, we begin to restore a special
relationship—our relationship with the ones we lost. This restoration is like a rebuilding, or
reforming of the relationship in a new regard. When they died, we were left with the memories
of their afflictions. These afflictions were so pervasive, that it was difficult at times to separate
the person from the pain. In turning toward our deceased, we strip away the darkness which
encased them. We embrace them as they were, beyond that which oppressed them. It is as if we
cleanse their memory. We burn the disease and we bathe the self.
And so, his dad and I, in tears, cleaned out his room. Which was unspeakable. I hope you
never have to witness, never have to see anything like that. The room of despair, and
hopelessness, and blood, and end of life. And we did. His dad and I just did it together.
We got rid of the mattress. We got rid of everything. Our sole reason was knowing the
other kids were coming in and they couldn’t see it. And that was the end of my son’s life.
Nothing like his childhood.
We do not attempt to conceal their humanness, for they were imperfect people. We simply allow
them to remain as they were in their wholeness, and rid them of that which does not belong to

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them. In facing the reality of who they were, we are able to process what was left unsaid and
heal from any wounds which remain.
I felt like a lot of people celebrated the wrong things about her. My mom was particular
about, just cause someone’s dying you don’t whitewash. You don’t say they were a saint or
anything. It’s an insult to the person they were to have to paint them up after death.
It’s probably only in the last 6 months that I remember the good.
We give ourselves time to process our relationship with them, and time to open to the possibility
of a new encounter with them. We discover the safe ways we can encounter them, and the other
ways which remain too painful. We allow this to be okay, as we refuse to become our own
oppressors, forcing ourselves when we are not ready.
It does take a while to move from the person you know in the trauma to the person you
know who was himself, to have back those memories. I know that I have zillions of
photographs. Only lately have I gone through those photographs, not for years would I go
through those photographs.
Instead we choose to remember our loved ones according to our readiness and our relationship
with them. Remembering our loved ones is an honouring act. We honour our loved ones in
ways that are true to who they were. We honour ourselves in ways that respect our own person.
We honour the relationship in ways that cherish our memories and time spent together.
So on her birthday I usually make the supper … she would always make … I will set aside
and eat her meal. And on the anniversary of her death, I often go shopping. She had a
shopping problem … just go shopping … she would approve.
We choose to ritualize our honouring of them on the days where their names are written:
birthdates and death dates, anniversaries and momentous occasions. We may make space in our
life to grieve their deaths at these times, intentionally taking pause and pursuing an encounter
with grief. But we also do not keep them on only these days, but rather allow them to permeate
every instance of our lives as they are lived through. We open our eyes and we see them written
in everything. We see them in the gentle rustling of the trees, in the roar of the ocean waves, in
the stillness of the mountains, in the roaming clouds in the sky, in the brilliance of the blazing
sun, and in the vastness of the stars. They are with us in all ways, and we can turn toward them.
I used to write letters to my son. Then I would go halfway up Cypress where there is a little
turn off, and I would burn the letters so that the ashes would spread, so that symbolically he
would get the message.
We give ourselves to them when we invite them into our lives. We choose to speak with them
and acknowledge their presence. We do not need their physicality to maintain a relationship
with them, rather we only need the willingness to reach beyond what we cannot see.
Definitely have a relationship with my son. I talk to him. I play golf, and he played a
beautiful game of golf.

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I talk to him. Oh yes. I talk to him. Yeah, yeah I do. I tell him I miss him, I love him.
We know that in relationship with them, we have given them an essence of ourselves. We were
once woven together, and in our separation, we took pieces of the other. Our roots grew deeply,
lacing together, and although they are no longer growing, they are still entwined with us in the
depths of our beings. A piece of us belongs with them, just as they are a part of who we are. We
cannot forget them because they reside within us. We belong in relationship with one another.
I talk about my mom all the time because she is a huge part of who I am.
Our cohesion has been ruptured, but only in certain capacities. We relied on our physical beings
to maintain connection, but their bodies no longer remain with us. We see glimpses of their
faces in the crowd, but these only produce the pangs of our pining.
I’ll see someone who maybe has a similar figure or similar hair, and think, is that her? Oh
no, it’s not. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t because it plays a mind trick. You initially get
this feeling it is them, and then of course it’s not them. And agh it’s frustrating because you
wished it was.
We long for the ones we have lost and wish they would appear before us. We cannot make this
happen, so our minds paint their faces where we wander. Our ears replay the words that would
fall from their lips. We hear the ringing of their remarks reverberate through our beings. We
cocoon ourselves in their encouragement.
She could just make anything feel better. She would understand me. I miss that. She
believed in me. She thought I was so talented. She thought I was so beautiful. She thought
I was going to be so great. I miss that. Nobody sees me like she did.
We treasure their words to us, and the many intimate encounters we had. As we continue to
integrate them back into our lives, we discover they have been present all along. They have been
with us as we faced the shadow of our grief. They have been with us as we have stumbled along
our path, and they are with us as we continue forward. In our willingness to turn toward our
losses, our eyes have been opened to the ways in which our loved ones have made themselves
known to us.
When somebody dies, there are gifts that they leave behind if you can find them. It’s like
sifting through the rubble. Find what they’ve left behind and my son left behind gifts.
We embrace these precious presents, and we continue on our path. We take them with us in our
daily activities, and we bring them with us as we mature. We learn from their mistakes and
missteps, and we correct our course. Their memories serve as inspirations for the people we aim
to be.
I want when I die, them to say, ‘What a mom, what a mom. She believed in me. She loved
me. She was selfless. She was kind. When she was unkind she said she was sorry. What a
great woman.’ That is what I want to leave.

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The deaths of the ones we love prompt us to reflect on our own deaths. How will we be
remembered? What will we leave behind? We hope that our legacy reflects relational
stewardship. We hope to be remembered for our generosity and compassion, for our ability to
value the person and not the possession. For in turning toward our loss, we have turned toward
others. Our lives are rooted in relationship, and it was these roots from which our resiliency
emerged. It is in relationship that we are able to find healing, and embrace our lives once again.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as Embracing Life
We are not healed from our grief, but rather healed amidst our grief, because in turning toward
our losses, we come to a place where we once again turn toward life. We have dwelled in the
centre of the labyrinth where we have been transformed. And with this transformation comes
much to offer the world, not to hoard, but to gift. We feel a subtle tingling throughout our
bodies. Life begins to unthaw us from the thin layer of numbness which sheathed us when death
came. We have shed that which confined us, we have encountered the epitome of our agony, and
now we absorb our renewed affinity for life. It is time to begin our path away from the centre,
and reenter the labyrinth to continue to turn toward our losses. Although the path that led us in is
the same path that leads us out, it is distinctly altered. We feel different than how we were
before, because now we choose to live with the acceptance that the ones we lost will no longer
be with us in the way we knew.
I choose to value my life. That does not mean being absorbed by my son’s death, so I
accept his loss. I accept the sadness that comes with it. Sometimes I break down and cry,
and that is the grieving part of it.
We continue to feel their absences in our waking and dreaming. We continue to feel the
incompleteness in moments of which they should be a part. We continue to live in the reality
they are missing from us as we mature and the seasons change. We no longer feel out of time,
but a part of it. We notice our aging, and we notice the ones we lost are not. Time serves to
measure the distance between us and our deceased. Time changes us, but does nothing to change
their deaths. Our worlds became greyscale the moment they died, but with the passing of time,
our worlds become slightly more saturated. We welcome the newfound colour, but it will never
be as it was before their deaths.
That emptiness of there is somebody missing, it fades, but it doesn’t ever quite go away.
You never get passed it, but you can live through it.
The tinge of colour we recognize reminds us we are still living. We do not appreciate our
deprivation, but we choose to live in the thick of it. We do not forget the ones we lost, for they
can never be forgotten. They are a part of us, and in holding them close, we open ourselves to
experiencing the good in this life once again. We know the risk of this, for in cherishing
relationships in this world, we know we will grieve them when they are no longer, just as we are
doing now.

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It colours, even to now, colours everything. Even when I am in those wonderful moments,
I am aware that my son is not. I can’t escape that. I can’t escape that, but for me, it doesn’t
stop me from having those moments.
As we dip our toes in the river, life washes over us and welcomes us to wade again once more.
Then life catches back up to you.
We immerse ourselves in the living water, and we cease to fight the current. We know how to
exist in the reality of our suffering and all that life will bring. We stop investing energy to
escape from it, but rather, we allow life to continue in its own way.
Grieving is a part of life. I mean losses are a part of life. The life cycle continues.
Our new perspective holds more than our once forward gaze, as we cannot turn blindly from the
reality that death is a part of the life cycle. It now has a place in our beings, a place where death
and life are held together. It is as if death and life are two sides of the same coin, and grieving
allows us to touch both sides. Although it seemed we were stuck on the side of death, turning
toward our losses has built the bridge back to life. In crossing that bridge, we become enlivened.
I am incredibly blessed with good health, a good mind, the gift of understanding that it’s
okay to have a bad day and the ability to express it.
We feel the burgeoning gratitude for life once again. Our emotionality is fully released from the
fog, and like an old friend, we embrace joy once more. We feel ourselves open in a different
capacity, as the smiles spread across our faces. We feel the familiar sensation of gasping for air,
our abdomens aching, but this time, it is not from wailing. We gratefully greet its counterweight,
laughter.
Absolute joy. Almost ecstatic moments of appreciation, and that’s exactly what they are:
appreciating I have my life.
[Grieving] is as natural as laughing hysterically.
Along with these rediscovered sensations, we view the world through new attitudes. We have
foregone any entitlement we harboured toward the world and others. Now we are able to
recognize generosity in its essence as it comes to us. In turning toward our losses, we can no
longer assume health nor privilege for ourselves, so we are thankful when they are with us.
I can appreciate what I have, and the gifts my son has given this whole family.
I’m just, I’m settled. I’m content. I have an amazing, an amazing life.
We have felt the warmth of kindness upon our faces as we endured the depths of our despair.
When we were bound within a dark shroud, others were there to reach for us in that place. We
ate the fruit of kindness, and the seed was planted within us. In embracing life amidst our losses,

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we are able to give freely to others. We approach them from a gentler place, and we offer them
to partake in the harvest.
Some people are carrying extraordinary burdens that I can’t even imagine the depth of
complexity. So I’m going to be kind. I’m just going to be kind. Because I could have used
kindness, and when I got it, it was so healing.
With the gifts of joy and kindness and our newfound gratitude, we welcome another estranged
friend: understanding. When our loved ones died, we surrendered to the question of ‘how can
this be?’ We faced the surreal sensation of their deaths, which we could not fathom. In turning
toward our losses, we have encountered the disorienting uncertainty death brought. We engaged
with our grief, the embodiment of our despicable deprivation. Now, as we open ourselves to
accept the reality of our bereavement, we discover our ability to make sense of it.
It’s been a much easier grieving process because I have more understanding of the purpose
of it and because of the gift of the time we were given. And knowing my husband was
ready, and that the Lord still has much more work for me to do.
We begin to perceive purpose amidst our suffering. It is as if we are being pulled through the
threshold of life, out from the labyrinth of grief. We stand at the doorway, on the edge of
possibility. The longer we look, the more we take in. We can see life in its abundance, and it is
awaiting our answer.
We don’t wait. We don’t hold back. We don’t live in fear.
In boldness, we step out from the shelter of the labyrinth of grief, into a new one: the labyrinth of
life. But this is not a place to dread nor fear, but a place in which to embrace and imbue beauty.
A place to fill with vision, hope, and imagination. A place to house our affections, longings, and
desires. A place to relish in our relationships and capacity to flourish.
If you are going to dream, you better dream hard and chase after it.
In the labyrinth of our lives, we hold both the suffering and the celebration. This atmosphere is
not stale nor dark, but rich and vibrant. We feel at ease knowing we can exist here. And better
yet, we are confident that when death comes again, not only can we endure it, but we can thrive
thereafter.
My youngest daughter said to me, you’ve lived more in the years since dad’s been gone than
in the years before.
Now I know, life triumphs death … Life comes back, or it does for me … Yeah, because life
triumphs death.
The Experience of Turning Toward Loss as the Ground of Faith
When we were thrown into the labyrinth of grief by death’s hand, we were unable to bear
ourselves. We felt our worlds shifting around us as we stared into the darkness. We felt time

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had torn as minutes, hours, and days were lost to us. We had never known bewilderment before
our bereavement. We came to encounter the shadow of grief and perceived it to be threatening.
What is bigger than our grief, which seeks to swallow us? What is bigger than death itself,
which brought us to this place? We surrendered to the paradox, steadying ourselves against
something we could not prove was there. When death stole from us, and grief overcame us, we
leaned into that which could contain it all. We walked upon the ground of faith.
When you are lying awake at night, and you reach over to touch your partner to see if he is
still alive or dead, who do you call out to? If not God?
We endure the surreal, but it is not where we belong, for it is the haunting home of the
ambiguous unknown. What choice do we have in this world, if we cannot choose to prevent the
inevitable? In response to our powerlessness, we look to our feet. We stand upon the ground of
faith and trust that if the whole word dissipated before our eyes, we would be held by that which
is greater. Like children who yield to their parent’s protection, we grasp the Divine with all our
might.
Well it’s not changed my spirituality. I’ve always had a strong faith. If anything, it made me
cling to that.
We cannot tolerate the ambiguous unknown, not when our loved ones reside there. We take
assurance that the Divine holds the vastness, and we feel the comfort that our loved ones are in a
cared for place.
My comfort was in knowing where he was going when he did die.
When we cannot step on the ground of faith, we look at those who can. We notice the faint
covering of comfort around them as they walk the path of grief. We see the glow of hope which
lights their way ever so softly. There is something they can throw themselves to when they are
in deep despair, which seems to provide a certain goodness in the face of grief. We recognize its
value, even if we have doubt that something will catch them. We resolve that we cannot place
trust in the ground of faith, so we try to create it with our eyes closed, and dream of its presence.
I envy people who have a faith structure that, that leads them to believe they will see their
family again. I really do. I don’t have it, but I think that must be a wonderful thing. In my
fantasies, I can have that, but I just spent the last year reading physics. I just don’t think
that, I just can’t wrap myself around that.
In allowing ourselves to lean into the Divine’s leadership, we learn to hold the tension of life and
death. In the thick of our mourning, after death has come, we discover our capacity for
celebration. The Divine strengthens us to do the unimaginable amidst the unfathomable.
Although the touch of death came up on us and left us cold, the Divine moves within us and
melts the ice. This movement allows us to celebrate life alongside our mourning of death. We
do not understand how we can do this, but the ground of faith holds us in this complexity. Our
souls have been beckoned to give our loved ones one last gift of life.

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And when the song started, the Holy Spirit spoke to me that I needed to play my
tambourine, so I played my tambourine in the center aisle. And from what I understand,
there was nary a dry eye in the place. I just had a sense. And it was the last gift I could give
my husband.
The ground of faith sustains us when our encounters with grief expend all our energy. It is our
dwelling where we lay down our burdens. We allow ourselves to become undone and
unguarded. We seek reprieve in this place, and we long for our return to it when we continue on
our path.
If I could just get to Sunday morning, and go to church, and hear God’s voice, and feel His
presence, I would be okay.
Before we set out again, we kneel to the ground and breathe in its gifts. We know we are to
encounter the shadow of grief once again, so we plea for endurance and perseverance. We crave
the stamina of the supernatural. We trust that in walking upon the ground of faith, we are not
reliant on our fortitude alone, but also of those who are willing to walk with us, and the Divine
who holds it all.
This is the coming reality, so every morning you pray for courage and strength to face
whatever challenges come and keep on moving.
There are times when we are despondent as we turn toward our losses. What hope have we if
death will come for all we love, and for ourselves? We question if we will ever taste goodness
again. The deep darkness of our despair floods our beings. As we fall to the floor, we
experience that which is deeper yet: deeper than darkness, deeper than despair, deeper than
death. All of these things disintegrate to dust, as our hands clutch the dirt of the ground of faith.
It is steadfast amidst our suffering, even when we forget its presence.
These losses are terrible. If you don’t believe that there is a God there, that sees all our pain,
and that there is healing, there is a peace one day, just the idea there is peace one day. That
one day I wouldn’t feel the way I was feeling.
Its ever-present nature is revealed to us, and we sense it rivals that of our bereavement. For our
bereavement is until the end of our time, but the ground of faith is transcendent and exists far
beyond us. We have a new understanding of forever. We felt our bereavement was infinite, but
we now know it is as finite as we are. We hold hope that one day we will be free from our
deprivation.
If that meant heaven, if that meant death, that was so just that I knew that it wouldn’t be
forever.
Our hope keeps us on the ground of faith, which leads us back to life. It is on this ground where
we encounter the Divine, which revives, restores, and renews us. We feel called to seek this
encounter. It is like coming upon a well on our path, a place to lie down and rest, a place to
drink and be rejuvenated.

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Of course my faith in God, going to church, and spending time in worship, and feeling the
presence of God was very healing. Just going.
At any point along our path, in our comings and goings, we can seek an encounter with the
Divine. Not only do we receive healing, but our eyes are opened to the beauty within and around
us. The encounter serves as light against the darkness, revealing gifts laid upon our path. The
ground of faith not only leads us back to life, but also to the goodness in this life. Death’s
blackened breath blemished the sun and smudged the sky, but the ground of faith provides us a
new horizon. No longer do we deny the reality of death, but its ominous presence reveals the
splendor of our world.
I have been given a heavenly perspective of life. And I just view things much differently.
He’s just been so incredibly gracious. I look at my gardens, I look at my yard, and he gifts
me with such special gifts even in those areas. It’s just so special.
But the breathtaking brilliance of our earth is not enough for the Divine, for we are also given the
gift of relationship. Those around us, who contained and came alongside us as we turned toward
our losses, radiate with compassion. We experience the Divine with them and through them as
we stand side by side, facing our grief.
I’m very thankful for the way that God answered prayer throughout the journey, and all the
angels with skin He’d send to walk with us.
Turning toward our losses has evoked a response from the Divine, and thus our relationship is
deepened. We experience that the ground of faith is not only a bridge by which we seek the
Divine, but also a channel for the Divine to touch us. We experience such presence in all that
surrounds us, and the vastness which extends beyond us. We come to trust that the Divine is not
only to be sought, but also received.
I have a more intimate relationship with Him now. A lot of that is because of experiencing
so deeply His faithfulness throughout the journey.
As we revitalize through our relationships with the Divine and others, we feel a profound
purpose moving within us. We feel called to steward our lives and invest in those around us.
Although our bereavement deprives us of those we love, we have reaped recompense in a
different capacity.
I have my unique little ministry. I do it, and I am blessed. I believe it blesses others, so what
more can you ask? What more can you ask? I know I’m being used by God. That’s my
heart’s desire: to love and serve Him, and to bless and encourage others.
In turning toward our losses, we have been transformed, encountered the Divine, and been gifted
life anew. We seek the sanctuary once more, but this time to make a record of our time in the
labyrinth of grief, for we are living testaments that in turning toward our losses, we can make it
through.

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In the Bible, people would make a pile of stones where something like a miracle happened
… [writing] was my way of making a pile of stones, this happened. And I’ll come back to
this place and this is my remembering place, this place I made it through.

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CHAPTER 5: DISCUSSION

I conducted a hermeneutic phenomenological study to explore the experience of turning
toward loss as it is lived. The phenomenological text was derived from eight thematic meanings,
which will be summarized. The purpose of this chapter is to discuss this study’s findings,
specifically highlighting how these findings can be integrated into future research and clinical
practice. The findings will be explored in consideration of the empirical research literature on
grief and bereavement and of prominent theories and models of grieving. Following this, clinical
implications of the findings will be discussed. The chapter will conclude with a delineation of
the strengths and limitations of the study, as well as suggestions for future research.
Rationale for this Study
The study emerged as a result of my own grieving experience, particularly in my
avoidance of grief, and the deep sense of wonderment that stirred within me upon learning about
the Existential Analytic concept of turning toward loss. According to Existential Analysis (EA),
turning toward loss is an essential activity of grieving, where grieving is defined as “the personal
dealing with the loss of life which is now felt” (Längle, 2013). I aimed to understand what it
meant to turn toward loss and how this was experienced. This wonderment served as the
conception of this hermeneutic phenomenological study, as van Manen (2014) stated that
“phenomenological writing … finds its starting point in wonder” (p. 360). The method of
hermeneutic phenomenology was also purposefully chosen to address the importance of and
need for phenomenological understandings of grieving (Attig, 2015).
Summary of Research Findings
Four women were interviewed to explore their experiences of turning toward loss
following the death of their loved ones. To remind the reader, these participants consisted of

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Shirley whose sister died of cancer nine years ago; Victoria whose mom died of cancer four
years ago; Maureen whose husband died of cancer nine years ago; and Leslie whose son died by
drug overdose eight years ago. The interviews were thematically analyzed according to van
Manen’s (1997; 2014) suggested guidelines for hermeneutic phenomenology. Eight nonlinear
themes emerged from the interviews, which indicated that turning toward loss means: (a) an
encounter with death, (b) surrendering to grief, (c) choosing community, (d) permitting and
pursuing grief, (e) transformation of self, (f) rooting in relationship, (g) embracing life, and (h)
the ground of faith.
In their encounters with death, the participants described their initial reactions following
their losses. This included feelings of surreality which arose from a spiritual sense of the
wrongness of human finiteness, in which the participants described accepting and yet rejecting
the reality of the death concurrently. This theme also highlighted their disembodied grief, where
the intense affective reaction seemed to be imposed from the outside of them. The second
theme, surrendering to grief, encapsulates the participants’ movement away from coping
strategies of avoidances of grief. In realizing their inability to escape from grief due to its
embodied, pervasive, and unpredictable nature, the participants surrendered to and faced their
grief. The next theme, choosing community, encompassed the participants’ experiences of
choosing those with which to turn toward their losses. This involved discerning who and who
not to grieve with. The participants also highlighted the tension between feeling alone and
oppressed by their death-denying culture, and yet feeling upheld and embraced by others.
Permitting and pursuing grief was comprised of the responses to the participants’ encounters
with grief. They chose to permit closeness with grief as it arose, often through allowing
expression of feeling, and chose to pursue it when they needed to process. They also described

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activities of respite to seek reprieve from grief, as well as activities like writing which distanced
from and brought them closer to their grief.
The theme of transformation of self captured the participants’ transformative experiences
as a result of turning toward. The participants described connecting to their authentic selves,
feeling free in their grieving, expressing their newfound creativity, and feeling a depth of
wisdom and empathy for others. In rooting in relationship, participants described their evolving
relationship with their deceased loved ones, and their appreciation for relationships with others.
They described how essential others were in their ability to experience life once again. The
theme, embracing life, attested to the participants’ deepened values and their turning toward life
amidst their ongoing felt losses. The participants described reorientation and purpose in their
lives, and trust in the power of life over death. Lastly, the ground of faith theme encompassed
their spirituality in turning toward loss. The participants described their relationships with the
Divine, experiencing a sense of hope and being held by something bigger (e.g., God) amidst the
devastation. Though not described by the participants directly, the metaphor of the labyrinth of
grief and the paradoxical nature of grief emerged throughout the thematic analysis and the
phenomenological writing. The themes, along with paradox and the labyrinth, will be explored
in the next section.
Discussion of the Findings
The participants’ lived experiences of turning toward loss will be discussed considering
the extant empirical grief and bereavement literature. I will draw upon specific components of
their experiences that fit well with previous studies which have been conducted on grieving. I
will also describe unique findings that add to the existing literature.

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Findings That Fit With Previous Studies
Some of the findings that emerged from this study fit with previous studies conducted on
grieving. These findings include: (a) turning toward loss as an interpersonal, relational activity
of grieving; (b) continuing relationship with the deceased; and (c) necessity of coping and respite
while grieving.
Turning toward loss as an interpersonal, relational activity. One of the most
significant findings of this study is that turning toward loss is a relational activity of grieving.
The participants described how they often turned toward the loss with others who were willing to
grieve with them. This included family members, friends, people in their church congregations,
and other bereaved individuals as part of the Compassionate Friends organization. In her study
on how families grieve the loss of a child together, Bartel (2016) found that family members
shared one another’s pain, participated in rituals and remembrances of the deceased, created
space for one another’s different grieving styles, and found meaning in continuing their
relationship with the deceased together.
In this study, Shirley described how meaningful it is for her to grieve the loss of her sister
together with varying members of her family. They do so through continual reminiscing and
holding the space for one another’s pain. For Victoria, she honours her mom by cooking her
mom’s recipe yearly and sharing the meal with her family. She belongs to a group of other
women bereaved of mothers who give her permission to grieve. She also described walking with
a family member in silence, and feeling a shared understanding of one another’s grief. This is
consistent with Klaassen’s (2010) study on relational grieving among bereaved parents, where a
joint grieving activity was walking in silence (cf. Klaassen, Young, & James, 2015). The
findings of this study are also similar to Klaassen’s findings of the bereaved parents’

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relationships with the Divine. Participants in this study described how they turned toward their
losses through their relationship with God and leaned on their faith for hope amidst their grief.
In this study, grieving with others involved turning toward their losses together and turning
toward one another in sharing their pain.
Continuing relationship with the deceased. Each participant described maintaining an
ongoing relationship with the deceased. This was central to turning toward loss, as described in
the theme rooting in relationship. The participants maintained a bond with the deceased together
with their family, similarly to the way Bartel (2016) found it was the shared bond with the
deceased that deepened the family’s relationships with one another. The participants shared their
bonds with the deceased with those who respected and understood their grieving. They chose
not to share with those who did not allow them to fully grieve. The participants also continued
bonds similarly to Klass’s (1999) descriptions of bonds through linking objects, religious ideas,
memories, and identification. Some of the participants had objects around their house, such as
pictures and the deceased’s furniture, that reminded them of their loved ones. For Maureen, her
whole house served as a linking object, since it was the place where she and her husband lived
for many years. Three of the participants also indicated feeling comfort in their belief that their
loved one is in heaven. This belief often sustained them in their suffering. The participants also
shared memories of their loved ones with others through telling stories and sharing pictures.
Klass (1999) described identification as “renewed feelings of competence” and the
“decision to live fully in spite of the death” (p. 116). The participants described ways that they
have grown and discovered new abilities following the death of their loved one. This came as
situational demands in which they needed to assume the role of the deceased, but also through
discovering their potential and creativity. The participants recognized their deceased loved ones

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within them, and honoured their memory through ways of being. For Victoria, she described her
mother as her soulmate, who knew her more deeply than anyone else. She has been able to carry
this intuitive knowing with her.
Coping and respite as necessary. The participants differentiated their coping strategies
from their experiences of turning toward loss. They contrasted their experiences of encountering
grief with the ways they tried to avoid their grief. Avoidance of grief included engagement in
escapist activities, withdrawal from relationships, using substances, “doing for other people” at
the expense of relationship with oneself, and preventing oneself from crying. The participants
indicated that avoiding engagement with grief was not good, as Victoria stated, “if you fight it
off, it gets bigger”. This prompted them to choose to turn toward. This contrasts with Bonanno
et al. (1995) who asserted that avoidance of emotion can be adaptive.
Interestingly, the participants also differentiated coping activities with the purpose of
avoiding grief from coping activities that served as a form of respite from grief. The former was
for the purpose of retreating from their grief, where the latter was for the purpose of resting
amidst their grief. In their phenomenological study of the DPM, Fasse and Zech (2016)
explained that it was difficult to surmise whether participants were coping in a restorationoriented capacity, or whether their activities of respite were separated from the participants’
grief. They also highlighted that it was difficult to distinguish coping from activities of daily
living. The participants in this study described similar activities of living. For example,
Maureen engaged in two restorative activities of respite. One activity was a purposeful break
from grieving where she surrounded herself with friends who cared for her. Another activity was
going on a cruise for various reasons, which included preventing herself from assuming a
caregiving role of another family member, seeking rest and re-energizing, and adventuring on

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her own for the first time. It seemed that Maureen’s intentions in her coping varied, and that
some activities were aimed at coping with the grief while others were aimed at coping with
relational demands. And some activities were directed toward living fully and freely.
New Findings
Along with findings that support other studies, new findings also emerged. To the best of
my knowledge, the findings in this section are new to empirical research. Some of these findings
have emerged in therapeutic practice, but are not widely discussed in research studies. These
findings include (a) description of turning toward loss through metaphor; (b) turning towards
loss as grief integration; and (c) the paradoxical nature of grief.
Turning toward loss through metaphor. In describing their lived experience of turning
toward loss, many of the participants used metaphor. The use of metaphor in grief therapy is a
meaningful practice and has been well documented (Barrett, 2012; Davies, 2014; Gershman,
2012; Renzenbrink, 2014; Rollo-Carlson, 2016; Wiztum, 2012); however, there are few
empirical studies that document the participants’ use of metaphor as means by which they
experience, express, and understand their grieving. It seemed that it was at times challenging for
the participants to explicate their emotional and physical expressions of turning toward loss
through words. For example, in describing how grief is ever-present and cumbersome, Victoria
used the metaphor of wearing a wedding dress of sadness. Her grief often felt like an
overbearing wedding dress, which she would wear while doing activities of daily living.
Through the use of these metaphors, the participants were able to capture their affective,
physical, cognitive, spiritual, and relational impressions of turning toward loss. It seemed they
often used metaphor when words were insufficient to describe the depth of their experience.

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They also opted to use silence and sound effects to emphasize their experiences, and in doing so,
brought their experiences to life.
In this study, the metaphor of the labyrinth of grief emerged. To my knowledge, the
metaphor of labyrinth as it pertains to grief has not been explored in empirical studies. It seemed
the participants described their lived experience of turning toward loss in such a way that
through the thematic analysis, the imagery of movement, paradox, and weaving emanated. The
labyrinth captures the initial devastation of loss, as the participants felt “thrown off” their axes.
The labyrinth signifies this confusion and disorientation. The labyrinth is nonlinear, with many
weaves and turns, but there is still one path. This is representative of the relationship between
life and time in grieving, as life is fluid and changing, but time as it is lived through is linear. As
the participants continued to navigate their labyrinths of grief, they grieved with others,
processed their emotions, attended to their needs, and sought respite. There then came a time
when they stepped into the center of the labyrinth where they experienced an inner resonance
with self and emerged as fully authentic persons. As the participants walked the path outward,
they experienced an appreciation for others and life one more. The metaphor of the labyrinth
offers a unique way to describe the experience of turning toward loss.
Turning towards loss as grief integration. Some researchers consider grief to be an
emotion (Attig, 2011) or a range of emotional states (Weiss, 2008). Despite the debate whether
grief is an emotion or many emotions, it is often considered as primarily an affective response
(Stroebe et al., 2008). The findings in this study suggest that the activity of turning toward loss
moves grief from being reactive (cf. Attig, 2004) to integrated into one’s person. In EA, emotion
consists of two categories: primary and integrated (Längle, 2003). Primary emotion is what is
experienced by an individual as the impulse or immediate feeling which is not yet reflected upon.

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Integrated emotion moves beyond such impressions and is incorporated into an individual’s
value system. The emotion becomes integrated into one’s sense of self, and there is a feeling of
resonance from which one can act authentically (Längle, 2013). The process by which an
emotion becomes integrated involves taking distance (perceiving), understanding and making
sense of the emotion, evaluating and taking a position towards it, and deciding what to do with it.
In describing their experiences of turning toward loss, the participants moved through this
process of emotion integration. First, the death of their loved ones left them feeling the
spontaneous, immediate grief reaction. They describe feeling numb and surreal, followed by the
intense pain of the loss. It was difficult for the participants to turn toward their losses fully until
they chose to surrender to their grief. In facing their grief, or choosing to allow its presence,
they were able to perceive what was emerging. This was demonstrated when the participants
described the feeling of grief tapping them on the shoulder or the grief boogeyman jumping out
of the closet to scare them. Once the participants accepted this, they were willing to encounter
grief as it appeared. Through continually permitting or pursuing their grief, the participants were
able to make sense of their grief. They did so through writing, which was a continual practice of
gaining distance from their grief and simultaneously drawing closer to it. They also made sense
of their grief through dialoguing with others about their grief, as well as actively grieving with
others.
As they continued to turn toward their losses, the participants experienced transformation
of self. They began to know themselves more intimately, and took a position toward grief. Each
of the participants stated that it was good for them to grieve. This attitude emerged out of
continually choosing to turn toward their loss and experiencing this encounter with grief as good.
They learned that they could bear their grief and withstand the pain, thus experiencing their inner

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strength and solidarity with others amidst their losses. From this sense of resonance and inner
positioning, the participants also discovered new aspects of themselves such as their wisdom,
kindness, empathy for others, and their creativity. They also recognized that they would never
be rid of their grief, but that it would continue to change and evolve overtime. From this place of
inner positioning, the participants moved toward action where they rooted in relationship and
embraced life. They chose to continue their relationships with their deceased loved ones and
they also connected with their newfound attitude of deep appreciation for others. They acted on
their creativity through writing, speaking, and artistic expression. For example, Maureen
pursued numerous activities following the loss of her husband, as she discovered her capacity
and creativity. She referred to herself as having a “heavenly perspective” because she now
embraces the life and death cycle. She freely grieves and freely lives. In summary, the
participants moved from experiencing the impulsive reaction of grief to integrating grief into
their sense of selves and their worldview through the activity of turning toward loss. In doing so,
grief became not just an emotion, but personal and intrinsic to who they are.
Paradoxical nature of grief. One of the central components of this study was the
concept of paradox. Many of the participants often felt conflicting emotions and states
simultaneously. This occurred on many levels, including with themselves, others, their lives, and
their spirituality. One of the paradoxes they experienced on the level of self was that in turning
toward their losses, they were both dying to self and transforming anew. Although turning
toward their losses was very painful, it also brought them to the end of themselves where they
emerged renewed. The participants also felt the tension of being supported and upheld by others,
whilst also feeling like social pariahs. This required them to discern who they could grieve with
and who they could not. The participants described the importance of having those who would

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care for them as they grieved, as well as those who would grieve alongside of them. At the same
time, they also felt distanced from others.
The participants also discussed the conflicting demands between encountering their grief,
and attending to the daily demands of their lives. They described how they would often be
feeling their grief while they were doing various tasks or taking care of family members. The
participants deal with this paradox by allowing time to encounter their grief, trusting that doing
so will be better for them in the long term. Lastly, the participants felt the tension between the
real and the surreal. On one hand, the participants accepted the reality of their losses and
continued to live in their physical worlds. One the other hand, the separation from their loves
ones was beyond comprehension and difficult to grasp. Three of the participants turned toward
their relationship with the Divine to hold the bigness of their grief. They felt the tension between
continuing to live in the world as they always had, but with their reality being drastically
changed due to the absence of their loved ones. It seemed like their worlds were turned over,
and yet they continued to carry on with their daily living.
Thus, a central component of turning toward loss was learning to live within the various
paradoxes that emerged throughout their grieving. In her informal survey of people’s
phenomenological experiences of grief, Granek (2013) also highlighted various paradoxes,
although she did not refer to them as such:
They had suffered terribly and had learned valuable life lessons. They were still in the
grips of their pain even 10 years later and had become better people through the
experiences of their mourning. They wanted their suffering to end and they wouldn’t
change a single thing about their grieving process. (p. 282)

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The participants’ descriptions in this study coincide with what Granek found. She elaborated by
stating that the ways in which grief is researched fails to grasp the grievers’ “range, depth, and
complexity of their phenomenological experiences and their existential understanding of the
necessity of their pain” (p. 282). The findings in this study indicate that these complexities seem
to have been grasped. Through the phenomenological exploration of turning toward loss, the
participants integrated their grief into their sense of selves and learned to live within the tension
of the paradoxical nature of grief. Each participant stated that it was good to turn toward their
losses, and that they needed to do so. They each continued forward in their grieving with the
firm belief, as Leslie stated, that “life triumphs death.”
Theoretical Implications
It is important to consider the findings in light of various theoretical approaches to
grieving (CAH, 2004), as these findings lend support for and challenge certain assumptions
underlying prominent theories of the grief and bereavement literature. The findings of this study
will be explored in consideration of the psychoanalytic grief work concept (Lindemann, 1944/94,
1963), attachment theory (Bowlby, 1980/98), continuing bonds theory (Klass et al., 1996),
relearning the world model (Attig, 1996), the DPM (Stroebe & Schut, 1999), and Existential
Analytic theory (Längle, 2005). I will describe specifically how the findings lend support for,
challenge, or enhance said theories and models.
Psychoanalytic Grief Work
On a theoretical level, it seemed that turning toward loss resembled one of the main
assumptions of grief work, working through the loss. The findings of this study lend support for
the concept of grief work, although I will suggest a demarcation. Lindemann (1963) asserted
that although suppression of grief is possible, it is wise for individuals to do their grief work by

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experiencing their losses. In this study, each participant attested to the need to actively grieve
their losses by engaging with their grief. This was described in multiple themes, including
surrendering to grief, permitting and pursuing grief, and transformation of self.
The participants also highlighted specific activities which were helpful in expressing their
grief. These included writing, crying, and wailing. Although crying was not always intentional,
writing and wailing seemed to be intentional expressions of their grief. The participants
indicated that these activities were “cathartic” and “cleansing” because of the ensuing sensation
of a burden being lifted. Lindemann (1963) asserted the importance for mourners to “express the
deep emotion” (p. 705). The participants echoed this assertion in describing their own
experiences of turning toward loss and highlighted the importance of processing all emotions,
“particularly the pain”.
However, in this study, there are three notable departures from grief work as Lindemann
(1944/94) viewed it. Firstly, Lindemann surmised that the grief work could be completed in a
timely manner. This was not so for the participants in the study. The participants all indicated
that their grieving had changed over time, particularly in the ways they turned toward their
losses, but that it would never be finished.
Secondly, Lindemann asserted that mourners need the assistance of a psychiatrist. Some
researchers surmise this assertion paved the way for the pathologizing of grief (cf. Granek,
2010). Worden (2015) stated that further research is needed to determine which grieving
individuals benefit from professional intervention. In this study, particularly revealed in the
choosing community theme, the participants indicated the necessity of relational support to turn
toward their losses. This was not necessarily professional support. Some of the participants
indicated that they may have benefitted from receiving therapy, but they did not suffer from not

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doing so. In fact, those who have been essential to them in their grieving were family and
friends who were able to hold them in their grief or turn toward their losses with them. It was
the sense of being surrounded by community that largely contributed to their abilities to turn
toward their losses. Lindemann (1963) stated that “continued friendly contact and more
opportunities for talking about the loss are then helpful” when a mourner is coping alone (p.
705). According to this study’s findings, relationship and community were more than “helpful”,
but rather essential to the experience of turning toward loss.
Thirdly, Lindemann (1944/94) claimed that one must emancipate from relationship with
the deceased as a component of doing one’s grief work. As will be described further under
continuing bonds theory, this study’s findings support continuing a relationship with the
deceased. In turning toward their losses, the participants described how they addressed the pain
they experienced in their relationships with their deceased loved ones, which existed before their
deaths. They claimed they needed to heal from some of these relational wounds in order to
continue a relationship with the deceased. The participants also stated that they needed to come
to terms with the reality of who their loved ones were, as opposed to idealizing them, which
required them to continually turn towards their deceased loved ones. No participant indicated
the need to let go of their loved one, but rather chose to work through the hurt in order to
maintain a relationship.
To answer Worden’s (2015) question of “is grief work necessary?”, I suggest both yes
and no. I answer ‘yes’ in response to the need for participants to engage with their grief as an
essential component of grieving. By studying the phenomenon in question (i.e., turning toward
loss), I assumed that the participants would be willing to engage their grief, so to say that this
study supports grief work could be considered a circular argument; however, I did not expect the

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participants to attest strongly to the necessity to turn toward their losses as a means of adaptation.
The question of adaptation is beyond the scope of this study, as the purpose was to explore how
turning toward loss is lived through—not the consequences of doing so. However, in describing
their experience of engaging with grief, the participants explained their reasons for turning
toward. This included experiencing the negative consequences of not turning toward with
previous losses, learning from the wisdom of others, observing grief “catch up” 30 years later to
others who had avoided it, and feeling the benefits of turning toward (e.g., unburdening,
catharsis, strength, vitality, etc.). For the participants, turning toward their losses was not
something they happened to do, but was chosen as their preferred way to deal with their losses.
They even described the suffering they experienced from trying to avoid or escape their grief,
such as maladaptive use of substances. Turning toward loss was an essential activity of their
grieving. In summary, I argue that the component of engaging with one’s grief as part of grief
work is necessary and beneficial.
I answer ‘no’ in response to certain components of grief work, which include
relinquishing ties, short duration of grieving, and the lack of emphasis on respite and relief from
grief work. The findings of this study did not support the assertions that mourners needed to
emancipate from the deceased. The participants also chose to turn toward their losses by
engaging with their grief, and they still considered their grieving as ongoing, thus suggesting that
doing one’s grief work does not result in a timely recovery. The participants also discussed the
need for rest from grieving, as they could not engage with their grief at all times. This will be
discussed further in the DPM section.
In reviewing the grief and bereavement literature, my impression aligned with Stroebe
and Stroebe’s (1991) claim that there is a lack of clarity around the conceptualization of grief

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work. It seems that grief work carries some ‘baggage’, which makes it difficult for researchers
who support the need to process one’s grief to fully align with this concept. I suggest a need to
let the term grief work lie with Lindemann, and change the discourse to encounter. In other
words, if the term grief work carries certain assumptions, such as relinquishing ties, that contrast
with much of the contemporary research in favour of continuing bonds, then perhaps we need to
change the language altogether. For the participants in this study, their grieving certainly felt
laborious as the term “work” implies, but it also was transformative and life-giving. It seemed
grieving was deeply intimate and personal; thus, I propone to change the discourse from grief
work to grief encounter, or as Existential Analysists propone, turning toward loss. Turning
toward loss better encapsulates the necessity to encounter one’s grief, to continue relationship
with the deceased, the ongoing nature of grieving, and the importance of grieving in community.
Attachment Theory
The findings of this study lend support for Bowlby’s (1980/98) attachment theory,
namely attesting to the pain of separation from an attachment figure. The findings also support
elements of Bowlby’s phase model of mourning, particularly the first phase of numbing.
Bowlby stated:
On the one hand is belief that death has occurred with the pain and hopeless yearning that
that entails. On the other is disbelief that is has occurred, accompanied both by hope that
all may yet be well and by an urge to search for and to recover the lost person. (p. 87)
In a footnote, Bowlby explained that he chose the term disbelief as opposed to denial because
denial “carries with it a sense of active contradiction” whereas disbelief is “more neutral” (p. 87).
His explanation of the mourner experiencing both belief and disbelief aligned with this study’s
theme of encounter with death, where the participants described being in a state of surrealism.

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The participants did not deny that their loved ones were dead, which supports Bowlby’s refusal
to use the word denial. Instead, the participants felt the tension between the reality and their
intense aversion to it. Parkes and Prigerson (2010) refer to this as “unreality” (p. 83); however,
given the participants’ continual use of the word surreal, it seems that the losses of their loved
ones were not unreal in the sense of denial, but rather so real that it was beyond their
comprehension.
Bowlby (1980/98) stated that the phase of numbing was the shortest in duration, and the
findings of this study support this assertion. The participants did not describe their shock or
numbness as a phase, but did often refer to experiencing this most intensely in the first year.
They associated their shock with a certain duration, that seemed to be distinct from, and shorter
than, their experience of feeling and processing their grief. The first year was described as being
one of numbness and shock, which seemed to end when the pain set in. Although
conceptualizing grief in terms of phases has been criticized (Attig, 2011; Parkes & Prigerson,
2010), findings from this study suggest that there is a distinctness of the first year post
bereavement that the ensuing years do not have. This may not be a phase per se, but rather a
distinct state of being from which one moves to a more active state of processing.
Bowlby’s (1980/98) phase of yearning and searching was also supported by this study’s
findings. Participants expressed feelings of missing their loved ones and longing for their
presences. Bowlby described that “the urge to search and to recover, often intense in the early
weeks and months, diminished gradually over time” (p. 87). The intensity of the loss seemed to
diminish over time for the participants, but time did not remove the felt absence of their loved
ones altogether. In summary, the participants did not seem to move through phases per se, but

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they did attest to the first year being unique as they adjusted to their new devastating reality, thus
supporting Bowlby’s description of numbing.
Continuing Bonds Theory
The findings of this study support the continuing bonds theory (Klass et al., 1996). Each of
the participants described how they continued a relationship with their loved one, which included
talking about the deceased with others; talking directly to the deceased; writing letters to the
deceased; honouring and remembering them on anniversaries, birthdays, and the death date;
factoring the deceased into decisions; learning from the deceased’s mistakes and making
different choices; assuming their roles, especially in relationships with others; and continuing the
deceased’s legacy by honouring who they were.
One of the interview questions (refer to Appendix E), inquired about continuing a
relationship with the deceased. Interestingly, the participants were less explicit in distinguishing
encountering their grief from continuing a relationship with their loved ones. In other words, in
describing their experiences of turning towards their losses, they were also describing how they
continued relationships with their deceased. By allowing themselves to engage with their grief
and process the pain of the loss, the participants were constantly negotiating and altering their
relationships with their loved ones. Some of the participants even seemed surprised that I
specifically inquired about an ongoing relationship with their loved ones, since it was such a
given in their lives that they would continue one. Many of the participants continued their bonds
with others as part of grieving in relationship.
Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement
Stroebe and Schut (1999) developed the DPM in which they propone that the bereaved
oscillate between loss orientation (LO) and restoration orientation (RO). In LO, the bereaved are

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doing their grief work; whereas in RO, the bereaved are coping with the secondary stressors
which come with their bereavement. The key component to this model is oscillation between LO
and RO, and as time progresses, the hypothesis is that the bereaved will be primarily in RO.
In exploring turning toward loss, answers to two questions emerged in light of the DPM:
(1) Do the participants oscillate between loss orientation and restoration orientation? (2) What is
the relationship between turning toward loss, coping, and grieving? This study poses some
challenges to the basic assumptions of DPM, specifically oscillation between LO and RO.
Firstly, the participants described turning toward loss as surrendering to grief and permitting and
pursuing grief, as well as embracing life and rooting in relationship. The participants engaged
with their grief and reconnected with life simultaneously, suggesting that they did not so clearly
oscillate between LO and RO. As Victoria stated, her grief was with her as if she was wearing a
wedding dress of sadness while attending to activities of her daily life. Hence, the findings of
this study support Attig (2011) and Fesse and Zech’s (2016) assertions that the LO and RO are
not isolated from one another.
Secondly, the participants differentiated between (a) different types of coping and (b)
coping and turning toward loss. The participants engaged in coping processes when they felt the
presence of their grief but did not want to encounter it. This was through focusing primarily on
other’s needs and through means of escapism; however, they also described a different type of
coping: respite. The purpose of respite was not to escape from their grief, but rather seek
rejuvenation and sanctuary amidst their grief. Also at first glance, turning toward loss could be
considered a type of LO; however, the participants clearly differentiated between coping and
turning toward loss in their descriptions. Both coping and turning toward loss were part of their

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grieving, but they were not the same activities; therefore, turning toward loss would not fit in the
dual process model of coping, since it seems it is not a coping process.
Because it seems turning toward loss and coping were part of the participants’ grieving,
the question arises of the relationship between these three constructs. Based on the findings of
this study, it seems that grieving is superordinate to coping and turning toward loss, similarly to
Lazarus’ (1999) assertion that emotion is superordinate to stress and coping. Therefore, I
question the implications of interchanging the language of coping and grieving in the literature,
since language is a form of interpretation and certain words carry certain connotations (cf. van
Manen, 2014; Zimmermann, 2015). For example, the DPM is a coping model of bereavement,
however, some researchers have referred to the DPM as a model of grieving (cf. Worden, 2009).
I encourage researchers to interpret the DPM as a model of coping, not grieving. And because of
this, turning toward loss may not be suitable to be integrated with the DPM, since turning toward
loss is primarily an activity to grieve one’s loss, not to cope with bereavement. This means
feeling and expressing the grief which comes because of the loss. It seems turning toward loss
and coping each have distinct elements, which can be experienced at the same time, but does not
make them the same altogether. I think researchers and clinicians could benefit from exploring
the usage of terms such as coping, grieving, and turning toward loss.
Relearning the World Model
The findings in this study support and diverge slightly from the relearning the world
model. In his How We Grieve, Attig (2011) distinguished between grief reaction and grieving
response. The former is an intense reaction to the loss whereas the latter is an active choice to
grieve the loss. These participants in this study described how, especially in the first year, they
could not turn toward their losses. In this way, they were primarily experiencing the grief

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reaction brought on by their bereavement. They moved into grieving response when they chose
to turn toward their losses. Essentially, it seems that turning toward loss is what Attig referred to
as “sorrow-friendly practices” in which grief reactions are actively engaged with (p. ix).
In the preface, Attig (2011) expressed his wish that he had “discussed ways in which
grieving response involves active engagement with grief reactions as well as reengagement with
the world” (p. xxxi). The findings of this study support this notion because turning toward loss,
as a grieving response, involves surrendering to grief, permitting and pursuing grief, as well as
embracing life and rooting in relationship. In engaging with their grief, the participants were
simultaneously living in their worlds and functioning in their day to day lives. As they continued
to turn toward their losses over time, they noticed their functioning in the world became imbued
with more and more vitality, as Leslie expressed, “I really came back to life”. In turning toward
their losses, the participants both encountered their grief and their lives simultaneously.
Overall, this study supports the holistic approach of the relearning the world model where
the participants described how their encounters with death “threw [them] off their axes” in terms
of their relationships with the world, others, and themselves. Thus, in turning toward their
losses, the participants did experience transformation of self, which corresponds with Attig’s
(2011) relearning the self in which the participants connected to new capacities, motivations, and
attitudes within themselves. The participants also embraced life, where they relearned how to
live in the world once more, connecting to a sense of purpose and a feeling of vitality in their
lives. It was also here that they gained new perspectives and their worldviews were broadened
and deepened. The participants rooted in relationship, in a way similar to how Attig described
relearning a relationship to the deceased. For the participants, they not only processed through
and pursued a relationship with their deceased loved ones, but also with those around them,

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especially those who supported them in their grieving. They were able to invest in their
relationships as they reconnected to life.
EA Model of Grieving
Turning toward loss is considered an essential activity of grieving as it pertains to
Existential Analytic model of grieving. The findings from this study describe and deepen how
turning toward loss is lived through, and thus support and enhance this model of grieving. In this
section, I will describe how the findings contribute to the current model of grieving and also how
the findings can be integrated into Existential Analytic theory as a whole.
Längle (2013) described grieving as occurring in three phases, where the first phase
involves the attitude of letting be. A crucial component of this phase is allowing the feelings to
flow, often in the form of crying. The second phase involves inner talking where the bereaved
draw close to themselves by offering empathy, consolation, and nurturance to themselves. The
third phase is one of orientation where the bereaved connect to life once more, internalize their
relationship with the deceased, and pursue new relationships with others. The findings of this
study support these existing components, although not necessarily in phases. Längle (2013)
asserted that one is not yet grieving if they have not given up resistance to it. This is evident in
the theme surrendering to grief where the participants actively chose to stop fighting against an
encounter with their grief. It was not until they chose to engage with their grief that they could
process their feelings. The participants discussed ways they tried to cope with the loss, through
shutting down, using substances, and being too externally focused on others. The participants
considered these as ways of coping, which aligns with the Existential Analysts’ assertion that
coping is an automatic reaction. It seemed the participants were either blocked on the level of
dialogue with self or with the others when coping.

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Similar to the EA model, the participants described their experiences of crying and
wailing as a way to process their grief. In doing so, they experienced inner movement and relief.
The findings from this study enhance the EA model of grieving by describing additional ways
the participants processed their grief. The participants described grief as unpredictable, sneaking
up on them like a boogeyman. When the participants were faced with their grief, they permitted
its touch by allowing themselves to feel the intensity of their grief. There were also times when
they intuitively knew they needed to grieve, often due to a felt sense of being blocked. From
this, they chose to pursue grief by evoking its presence, through listening to music, talking to the
deceased, spending time alone, watching sad movies, and so on.
Another theme which enhances the EA model of grieving is transformation of self. This
theme seems to be related to the phase of inner talking, as the participants’ relationships with
themselves served as the ground for the transformation. However, it was through their
experiences of encountering their grief that they experienced their inner strength of being able to
withstand its presence. In doing so, they encountered their person and embraced their
authenticity. This transformation allowed them to continue to encounter their grief
unapologetically, and contributed to their newfound attitudes towards others, the world, and the
spiritual. From this place, the participants were able to reorient themselves, as is described in the
EA model. In this study, reorientation was primarily twofold, rooting in relationship and
embracing life. The participants were able to deepen their relationships with others, develop new
relationships, and continued their relationships with the deceased. The participants also felt an
affinity for life once more, as Leslie stated, “life triumphs death”. The participants connected to
life again with a deepened appreciation of their lives, pursuing what they felt was the most
essential.

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This study suggests that relationship with both self and community is essential to turning
toward loss. Another theme which elaborates and enriches the EA view on grieving is choosing
community. The EA model does highlight the importance of accompanying those who are
grieving (Längle, 2013); however, the description of grief accompaniment is primarily from the
perspective of those who lend support to the bereaved more so than how those who grieve seek
community. The findings of this study elaborate on the EA concept of grief accompaniment by
highlighting ways in which the bereaved seek community and grieve together with others. Each
participant could identify those individuals who were important in helping them grieve, to the
extent that those individuals made turning toward their losses possible. The participants’ family,
friends, and greater community supported them in primarily two ways. There were those who
were able to support and hold the participants, usually through providing meals, a place for rest,
financial support, and so on. They helped meet the participants’ needs so that the participants
could turn toward their losses safely. In a way, they turned toward the participants, which
enabled the participants to turn toward their losses. Then there were those who actively turned
toward their losses alongside the participants. These individuals faced and processed their grief
with the participants. In this way, the grief was shared. There was a mutual understanding and
respect, often without words, of each other’s pain, which also allowed the participants to freely
turn toward their losses. The current EA model of grieving could benefit from elaboration of
grief accompaniment to include not only how individuals support the bereaved, but also how
those who are grieving seek community and engage in shared grieving experiences with those
they choose.

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Clinical Implications

As a scientist-practitioner, I often move toward the question of ‘so what?’ when reading
research. The purpose of this section is praxis-focused. The aim is to highlight central aspects
of this study which have certain implications for practice. These implications include (a) the use
of metaphor; (b) dialogue as movement; (c) the paradoxical nature of turning toward loss; and
(d) accompaniment through turning toward. These implications were derived based on the
experiences of the participants’ in this study.
Use of Metaphor
The metaphor which emerged from the thematic analysis was that of the labyrinth of
grief. The labyrinth of grief complemented the participants’ experiences of turning toward loss,
as it captured the disorienting, devastating, complex, unpredictable, nonlinear, and
transformative nature of the phenomenon. The use of metaphor for working with the bereaved is
certainly not new. In fact, various clinicians utilize metaphor as a means to help the bereaved
process their grief (Barrett, 2012; Davies, 2014; Gershman, 2012; Renzenbrink, 2014; RolloCarlson, 2016). Wiztum (2012) stated that metaphors can be beneficial in grief therapy because
through them, the bereaved reveal how the loss is perceived, the loss is less threatening to
discuss, and alternative responses to the loss may be explored. The participants all used
metaphors in describing their experiences of turning toward, often because their experience
could not be explicated any other way. This is because metaphors are the “preferred mode of
communication for the emotional brain” (Gershman, 2012, p. 205).
In her work with nature-based interventions for grief, Barrett (2012) utilized the Grief
Spiral, which closely resembles that of the labyrinth of grief. The exercise of the Grief Spiral
consisted of the bereaved walking in a spiral toward the center and outward again as a means of

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integrating the loss into their lives. Metaphors can be used in practice through imagery, poetic
writing, sand-tray, creative works of art, or embodied practices like the Grief Spiral. It is
important to note that metaphors can be quite meaningful for the bereaved, but no one metaphor
is applicable to all people. Clinicians may want to encourage the bereaved to come up with their
own metaphor before suggesting one; however, metaphors like the labyrinth of grief can be
powerful tools especially for clients who cannot create with their own.
Dialogue as Movement
As was previously described, the experience of turning toward loss is inherently
dialogical. In encountering their grief, the participants were constantly dialoging with
themselves, others, the world, and the Divine. This is a meaningful finding for clinical practice
because bereaved individuals seeking help are opening themselves for dialogue with a clinician.
This may be instrumental in helping the clients experience movement in their grieving. It is
important to note that the participants described their grieving as complex, unpredictable, and
nonlinear. Turning toward their losses often resembled this erratic movement, as the participants
allowed themselves to encounter their grief at often inconvenient times. For a clinician, assisting
those who are bereaved may feel defeating at times as the bereaved approach and distance from
the center of the labyrinth, so to say; however, the slightest of movement may indicate
processing of grief. This could be a slight shift in the way they tell their grieving stories, or in
their attitudes towards the deceased, others, and their faith (if relevant). It is also important to
note that the participants turned toward their losses through dialogue with themselves (i.e.,
journaling, resting, nurturing) and with others (i.e., spending time and grieving with others). If
bereaved clients are blocked in dialogue with themselves or others, this may indicate that they

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are stuck on some level in their grieving. This could be attended to through dialogue with a
clinician.
Paradoxical Nature of Turning Toward Loss
An overarching theme of this study was the paradoxical nature of turning toward loss.
The participants often felt themselves in tension of conflicting, but true realities. For example,
they felt completely alone in their grief and on the other hand, were surrounded and supported by
their communities (i.e., friends, family, church congregations, Compassionate Friends groups).
They also felt like they came to the end of themselves, as if they themselves died in the process,
and yet felt transformed anew like a rebirth. Wolfelt’s (2015) The Paradoxes of Mourning
provides a description of three ways in which grieving is paradoxical: the dynamic between
hello/goodbye, darkness/light, and backward/forward. He refers to them as forgotten truths. In
familiarizing themselves with this wisdom principle of grieving as paradox, clinicians may
provide some relief for the bereaved who are struggling with the felt tension. This may be
helpful for the bereaved who have not yet surrendered to their intense grief, out of confusion and
disorientation due to its paradoxical nature.
Accompaniment through Turning Toward
Lastly, it is important for clinicians to turn toward the bereaved and the loss as the
bereaved turn toward their losses. This may seem simple, but it can be difficult in practice.
Firstly, there is little to nothing clinicians can do ‘fix’ one’s bereavement. Secondly, clinicians
may be tempted to have answers, explanations, or theoretical underpinnings they may wish to
share with the client; however, this can sometimes be unhelpful for the bereaved. Thirdly,
assisting grieving individuals can often cause clinicians to face their own grief or death anxiety,
which if not attended to, may result in fear of being with bereaved individuals.

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In EA, the emphasis is placed on accompaniment, not therapy since the former lends
itself to a role of being with, rather than treatment. Existential Analysists caution the clinician
not to push the client into their grief, but allow the grief to emerge and be with the bereaved as
they choose to surrender to it. There are three central components to EA grief accompaniment,
which include being present without words; turning towards through empathy, closeness, and
caring; and helping the bereaved in their relationship to the loss as it relates to consenting to life
and continuing relationship with the deceased. A central component of accompanying one in
their grieving is timing: using words at the right time, giving comfort at the right time, helping
the bereaved reorient at the right time, and so on. It is important to remember that one’s timing
as a clinician is not always the mourner’s timing.
Lindemann (1944/94) unfortunately attested to the use of “considerable persuasion” to
prompt the bereaved to do their grief work (p. 190). If the bereaved need persuasion to grieve,
then they may not be ready or it may not be safe. Clinicians need to ensure that the bereaved
have sufficient support and capacity to turn toward their losses. Bearing the intensity of one’s
loss requires considerable energy, effort, and strength, and it would not be caring to push the
bereaved to do so before ready. The participants in this study were thoroughly cared for by
people surrounding them, and they all had the capacity to nurture themselves. This allowed them
to turn toward their losses fully.
In conclusion, clinicians may benefit in assisting the bereaved by incorporating the use of
metaphors in their practice, encouraging dialogue while grieving, having an awareness of the
many paradoxes inherent to grieving, and accompanying the bereaved by turning toward them
through being there and providing support. The participants of this study were particularly
intentional in discussing what was most helpful and unhelpful to them in their grieving. They

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each expressed the desire to help others who are grieving and who are assisting the bereaved.
They stated that the most helpful were those who were willing to be there and discuss their
deceased loved ones despite the fact that death is a taboo subject. They expressed the need for
continual support, not just weeks or months following the loss but also at nine years and onward.
They expressed appreciation for those who allowed them to be sad or angry, and those who were
intimately familiar with grief and could walk alongside them. If nothing else, it does wonders to
look the bereaved in the eye, ask about the deceased loved one by name, and to state, “I am with
you.”
Strengths and Limitations
The purpose of this section is to highlight the strengths and limitations of this study’s
research design. The lived experience of turning toward loss was explored using van Manen’s
(1997, 2014) guidelines for hermeneutic phenomenology. Using this method was a strength of
this study because it provided a holistic description of how a chosen encounter with grief is lived
through. The phenomenological method allowed for exploration of turning toward loss on a
multitude of levels, thus capturing how the participants experience their grief as whole beings.
The participants were able to describe their experiences in detail, as it was felt through their
bodies, emotions, minds, souls, and relationships.
One of the main tenets of phenomenology is openness and approaching the phenomena
with an attitude of wonder (van Manen, 2014). This allowed unique features of turning toward
loss to emerge, such as the power of metaphor and paradox, as well as the embodiment of grief.
Along with openness to what is appearing, hermeneutic phenomenology also allows for openness
in the way the data is analyzed. As the researcher, I was able to analyze the interviews in
complementary ways. This included adjusting the analysis of the interviews to include reading

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the transcript along with listening to the interviews so the lived experience could be explored
holistically. This was also done with research assistants where we listened to the interviews,
read the transcripts, and dialogued about the phenomena as we co-constructed meanings. I was
also able to approach the phenomenon creatively, through reflexive practices of painting my
subjective impressions and journaling various insights and reflections of the phenomenon.
Conducting the thematic analysis through practices that brought me closer and helped me
distance was crucial in the interpretation of the phenomenon, maintaining an attitude of openness
and wonder.
Along with the strengths of this study come the limitations. One limitation is that the
participants described turning toward loss over time. The participants provided examples of
turning toward loss over the course of their bereavement, which was up to nine years for two of
them. Naturally, the ways the participants turned toward changed over time. This allowed for
unique findings of movement and transformation, but sometimes there were instances in the
interviews where they provided breadth (over time), not depth (detail) to their lived experiences.
Given this, and the fact that the participants attested to their grieving being ongoing, it seems that
a longitudinal study of turning toward loss would be quite beneficial. The longitudinal design
would allow for more thorough exploration of how turning toward loss changes over the course
of their grieving.
The second limitation was the lack of diversity of the participants. Although there were
few exclusion criteria preventing diversity of participants, the participants recruited were all
Caucasian women, three of which identified their religious backgrounds as Christian; however,
their ages were diverse. The women would also be considered within a middle to upper-middle
socioeconomic status; however, their level of education varied. There were men who expressed

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interest in this study, but geographical location prevented their participation. Further exploration
of this phenomenon would be beneficial among those with varying gender, cultural, religious,
and socio-economic backgrounds.
Future Research
In light of this study’s findings and the limitations, I will suggest areas of future research,
particularly focusing on additional exploration and dissemination of findings. The findings of
this study support the notion that grieving is complex. There is much agreement on this in the
literature (Attig, 2004; Neimeyer & Hogan, 2001; Stroebe et al., 2008). This study’s findings
indicated that turning toward loss is not merely a cognitive process, but involves emotional,
physical, relational, and spiritual processes. And since turning toward loss is a component of
grieving, it can be surmised that grieving is also not primarily a cognitive process, nor is it only
an emotional, biological, physical, spiritual, or relational process, but contains all of the above
because it is multifaceted as it is lived through (Attig, 2015). Separating these components may
be convenient for analysis (Lazarus, 1999), but I agree with Attig (2015) when he advised that it
is “inevitably limiting and can be distorting to focus on only one dimension” of grieving “for
research purposes” (pp. 13-14). I think the field of thanatology could benefit from more
researchers taking a holistic approach. Longitudinal studies and qualitative studies with
methodologies such as phenomenology and ethnography, lend themselves to a certain openness
that allows grieving to unfold in its entirety and accounts for both breadth and depth of grieving.
Particularly longitudinal studies of grieving, over the course of a few years, would be beneficial
to explore how grieving moves over time and the specific processes of grieving that unfold.
Findings of this study led to more questions about turning toward loss and grieving as a
whole. One such question is that the personal dimension of grieving seems to go beyond

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identity. Two models that address identity is Worden’s (2009) task model and Gillies and
Neimeyer’s (2006) meaning reconstruction model. Worden refers to internal adjustment where
Gillies and Neimeyer refer to identity change to describe changes in mourners’ sense of selves,
worldview, and constructed meaning. The findings in this study suggest that turning toward loss
led to this but also to a personal and spiritual transformation. The participants were attuned
intuitively to themselves, dialoguing with and nurturing themselves throughout their grieving. It
would be beneficial to explore this personal dimension of grieving further, as this suggests
grieving is not merely something the participants are doing but rather intrinsically part of their
being.
As mentioned in the DPM section, another potential area of research is the relationship
between coping, turning toward loss, and grieving. It seems there is a wealth of information on
how people cope with loss and adapt to it, but if coping is different from grieving, then there is
still a need for more studies to explore how people grieve. The question of the role of emotions
in grieving also arises when considering coping, grieving, and turning toward loss. Lazarus
(1999), who along with Folkman developed the cognitive stress theory (cf. Lazarus & Folkman,
1984), provided a sequel where he revised his theory, proposing the importance of emotion and
its relation to stress. He stated that stress cannot be studied separately from emotion, hence the
need to bridge the two fields. He also radically asserted that emotion is superior to stress and
coping when he stated:
We should view stress, emotion, and coping as existing in a part-whole relationship.
Separating them is justified only for convenience of analysis because the separation
distorts the phenomena as they appear in nature. The three concepts, stress, emotion, and

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coping, belong together and form a conceptual unit, with emotion being the superordinate
concept because it includes stress and coping. (p. 37)
He went on to state that grieving itself is an emotional coping process. Such areas of
study would be valuable to explore, particularly in the domain of nonpathological grieving,
which after all is an area of study unto itself, as Granek (2010) asserted that “the notion of a
‘normal course of mourning’ is unclear” (p. 53).
Lastly, further exploration of grieving as an interpersonal, relational activity, particularly
with methods that facilitate dialogue between bereaved individuals would be beneficial. The
dialogical nature of grieving was revealed in the findings of this study. Recently, Bartel (2016)
conducted a study to explore how family members grieved together jointly. She used the
Qualitative Action Project Method (QA-PM) which involves joint interviews with the family as a
whole, as well as separate interviews with each member. Such a method provides rich findings
because it captures how families grieve together as they dialogue. Klaassen et al. (2015) also
used the QA-PM to explore the spiritual and relational dimensions of bereaved parents’ grieving.
Such studies add unique contributions, and the field of thanatology could benefit from
approaches such as these. Overall, every method and approach has its strengths and limitations,
but I think the field could benefit from more qualitative approaches to complement and enhance
the pre-existing quantitative studies.
In addition to consideration of future research, it is also beneficial to highlight areas for
improvement in the way research is disseminated. Wilson, Petticrew, Calnan, and Nazareth
(2010) define dissemination as the “planned process that involves consideration of target
audiences and the settings in which research findings are to be received and, where appropriate,
communicating … in ways that will facilitate research uptake in decision-making processes and

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practice” (p. 2). One said target of bereavement research are the clinicians who care for and
support the bereaved and those who are grieving (CAH, 2004). I appeal to the field to consider
ways of promoting research more accessible to practitioners. Stillion (2015) refers to this as
“finding ways to marry research and clinical practice” (p. 28). One such way is to promote the
development of texts aimed at counsellors and therapists. Attig’s (2011) How We Grieve,
Worden’s (2009) Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy text and Neimeyer’s (2012a, 2012b)
edited texts of numerous grief therapy interventions are excellent translations of research into
praxis.
The Association of Death Education and Counselling (ADEC) also serves as a strong
platform to translate knowledge; however, there is one notable barrier. For their annual
conventions, ADEC requires that abstracts for presentations have three of the five references
cited published within the last five years. This is understandable to encourage transfer of new
knowledge, and continual advancement of research and professional development. However,
this also poses challenges to explore grief and bereavement through varying ways of knowing.
During ADEC’s 38th annual conference, Attig expressed that meeting this requirement can be
challenging for those who study grief and bereavement from a philosophical or historical
standpoint (T. Attig, personal communication, April 14, 2016). In summary, it would be
beneficial to the field of thanatology to broaden the way grief is researched, employing methods
and research questions that move beyond the psychologizing of grief (Granek, 2015). It would
also be beneficial to find new ways of disseminating research findings through texts that translate
research into practice; continual dialogue and collaboration across disciplines (Granek, 2013);
and fostering an attitudinal openness in the field of thanatology to different ways of studying
grief.

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Conclusion

We must turn toward our experience and touch it with the softest hands possible.
Only then, in the inner terrain of silence and solitude,
will our grief yield to us and offer up its most tender shoots.
(Weller, 2015, p. 99)
Grieving is a profoundly moving experience when the bereaved choose to encounter their
grief. In Existential Analysis, encountering grief is referred to as turning toward loss. The aim
of this study was to explore how turning toward loss is lived through. I used the method of
hermeneutic phenomenology to study this phenomenon holistically. In interviewing four women
of their experiences of turning toward loss, it was apparent that grieving was multifaceted. Their
grief was fully embodied, permeating their entire beings. The ongoing, pervasive nature of their
grief required them to continually turn toward their losses as they continued to engage with life.
Through interviewing these bereaved women of their engagement of grief by turning
toward, the lived meanings (themes) of their experiences emerged. This included encountering
the death of their loved one, in which they were overcome by the surreal and their own loss of
self; acknowledging, allowing, and surrendering to the presence of their grief; discerning who
and who not to grieve with and choosing those who support and walk alongside them in their
grieving; permitting grief’s touch when it spontaneously emerged and pursuing encounters with
their grief when they needed to process; experiencing a spiritual transformation of self in which
they emerged whole and authentic; having a deepened appreciation of others where they pursued
a relationship with their deceased loved ones and reconnected with those who are living;
embracing life again by experiencing vitality, a surge of creativity, a renewed sense of purpose,
and a newfound attitude of gratitude; and leaning into the ground of faith where they found hope
and strength in that which is bigger than death and grief.

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Turning toward loss is a deeply sacred experience. It serves as the ground for grieving,
allowing the person to emerge authentically. It is dialogical, intimately weaving the bereaved
into the fabric of their existence by drawing them closer to themselves, others, and the Divine. It
is relational, where others are encountered, held, and surrounded in their anguish together. It is
spiritual, deepening one’s appreciation for being human and one’s gratitude for the ever-flowing
river of life. In our losses, we suffer the unfathomable pain of separation. Turning toward these
losses need not be feared nor avoided, for in doing so, we move from a place of division to a
place of wholeness.

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CHAPTER 6: REFLEXIVITY

“Coming out” through reflexive analysis is ultimately a political act. Done well, it has the
potential to enliven, teach, and spur readers toward a more radical consciousness. Voicing the
unspoken can empower both researcher and participant. As more researchers grasp the nettle, the
research in the future can move in new, creative directions.
Are we ready to embrace the challenge?
(Finlay, 2002, p. 554)
The process of conducting this research took two years from its conception to its
metaphorical birth. Over the course of this process, this thesis was continuously evolving on a
theoretical and methodological level. I have engaged in continual reflexive practice throughout
researching the lived experience of turning toward loss. Berger (2015) defined reflexivity as
“turning of the researcher lens back onto oneself to recognize and take responsibility for one’s
own situatedness within the research and the effect that it may have” on various aspects of the
research study (p. 220). Reflexivity is especially important in hermeneutic phenomenology to
ensure practice of the epoché-reduction of openness. Van Manen (2014) described the need for
researchers to suspend their preunderstandings and overcome any subjectivity that would prevent
exploration of the phenomenon as it is lived through. This involves an attempt to forget as many
assumptions and biases as possible, whilst also being aware it is impossible to be radically free
from these. To deal with the latter, van Manen (2014) suggested that certain preunderstandings
“may need to be explicated so as to exorcise them in an attempt to let speak that which wishes to
speak” (p. 224).
The purpose of this chapter is to articulate, portray, and reveal my reflexive process. My
theoretical preunderstandings, my worldview, and my own grieving experiences are explicated in
this chapter. Although the phenomenological writing in Chapter 4 is quite exposing, this chapter
feels the most vulnerable to write. As Finlay (2002) has well stated, writing this chapter is like
grasping the nettle, and although it stings to admit some of my faults, mistakes, and sufferings

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throughout this process, I firmly believe in the importance of transparency in the research
process. Overall, this thesis would not have had such movement without my reflexive practices,
which have been the lifeblood of this study. For as much as my reflexive practices revealed my
shortcomings, they also facilitated immeasurable growth and creativity. This is precisely the
exciting part: to share it with you, and to hopefully inspire other researchers to “embrace the
challenge” of reflexivity and to get creative in their research.
To begin, I will describe how the thesis evolved from its conception, highlighting some
of the significant changes along the way. I will divide this into four stages, which include
research formulation, data collection, analysis, and phenomenological writing. The second half
of this chapter consists of describing my two reflexive practices, painting and journaling, which
expressed my subjectivity as a researcher and as a griever.
Evolution of the Research Process
I maintained a consistent journal over the course of this thesis to document changes made
on a theoretical, empirical, and methodological level. This was a consistent reflexive practice
that was established from the outset. The following section describes the process outlined in the
journal.
Research Formulation Stage
I began this research with an entirely different research question than the lived experience
of turning toward loss. I was originally going to research the sense of presence experience
among bereaved parents, but I chose to change this topic because I doubted whether I could
sustainably study such phenomenon for the ensuing two years. Right from the start, I decided
that I needed to be an insider, or to have some meaningful attachment to my topic to motivate me
to finish the thesis. Since I was not a bereaved parent and I had not experienced sense of

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presence, I felt this is a topic best left for another time. When I learned of turning toward loss in
my Existential Analytic training, I was immediately filled with a sense of wonder because I had
not done so in my own grieving. I became curious as to how others turned toward their losses
and encountered their grief.
Following the discussion of changing the topic altogether, the research question became:
What is the lived experience of turning toward loss? Perhaps one of the most challenging
components of this thesis was arriving at a conceptual understanding of turning toward loss. We
wondered how we could phenomenologically explore this topic and capture its essence. Over
the course of formulating this study, there was confusion around what it meant to turn toward
loss, since there is little research available on this topic. One of the most conceptually
challenging components of this thesis was determining whether we could, and more so how, to
phenomenologically explore turning toward loss. We questioned whether this thesis should be
theoretical or empirical, and if empirical, whether a method like grounded theory would be better
suited. The concern in using phenomenology was whether turning toward loss, in Existential
Analysis, was a theory or model of grieving itself, making it too abstract to explore
phenomenologically. However, I felt that turning toward loss was an actual phenomenon—
something that bereaved individuals do experience—not just an abstraction. Essentially, the
main challenge at this point was knowing intuitively what it was I was aiming to explore, but not
being able to articulate it; however, van Manen’s (2014) words were quite helpful in explicating
my aims:
Phenomenology may bring in theory to show where the promise of theory fails to remain
fulfilled. … these theories may actually leave their central concepts impoverished of
experiential and phenomenological meaning … theories that explain human problems

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and processes through psychological theories may actually be enriched by having these
psychological concepts translated back into experiential realities. (p. 67)
I wanted to explore turning toward loss phenomenologically to understand how it is lived
through. We defined turning toward loss as encountering and engaging one’s grief. We then
developed the interview guide to ask questions which explored exactly that. Once we connected
to the experience of turning toward loss, it was much easier to reorient to the phenomenon
throughout the subsequent stages of the study.
Data Collection Stage
The data collection stage occurred over the course of two months. The first interview
took place on campus at a counselling centre. The participant indicated she was nervous and was
wondering why she agreed to participate. She assured me she would like to continue with the
interview, and signed the informed consent; however, I questioned whether she was truly
consenting because she wanted to or because she felt obligated. I think her nervousness, and
mine (since she was my first interview) did impact the quality of the interview, especially in
terms of depth. The participant did not elaborate on her responses voluntarily, so I used more
prompts and probing questions than the following interviews. I was unsure if the interview was
phenomenologically rich, but after consultation with my supervisor, we decided it was sufficient.
I was concerned that some of my questions were too leading because she stated she had not
thought about some of them before, but after listening to the recording, we decided that the
questions were more thought-provoking than leading.
The second participant requested that the interview be conducted in her home. This
proved quite beneficial for the interview because it was taking place in the setting where most of
her grieving was lived through. She was more relaxed, and throughout the interview, she pointed

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to specific places where she turned toward. She also showed me pictures and keepsakes of her
loved one. For the next two interviews, I provided their homes as an option for the setting of the
interview, and both participants opted for that. It seemed that the participants’ homes were a
safer and more inviting place to discuss such a vulnerable topic. These three interviews were
rich with depth, as many of them had written at length about their grieving experiences (poems,
blog posts, published books, etc.). However, because they had reflected extensively about their
experiences, it was at times difficult to reach the prereflective.
I did depart slightly from a true phenomenological interview in that I asked about
attitudes and understandings of grieving. Such questions would be considered opinions and
perceptions, rather than details of how the experienced was lived through. I found that in
answering questions like, ‘what does it mean to grieve for you?’, participants provided examples
of ways they grieved, by turning toward, to answer the question, which was ultimately what I
was exploring. In a way, providing their understanding of the phenomena also brought them
closer to their experience of it, so there seemed to be this movement of distance from and
approach to their experiences that allowed for a certain level of depth in the interviews.
Ultimately, however, I do not think I asked for enough detail of turning toward loss for that
required of a phenomenological study. I think this due mostly to my inexperience in conducting
phenomenological interviews, and my absorption into the interview. I found it difficult to find
the balance between being immersed in the dialogue and leaving enough space for the participant
to provide detail, while orienting the interview toward the phenomena in question.

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Analysis Stage
This stage was the most reflexively intensive because I was constantly checking my own
biases and assumptions, while also co-constructing with the participants as I listened to,
transcribed, and analyzed their interviews.
Transcription. I chose to transcribe the interviews myself because I wanted to be
immersed in their experiences as much as possible. As I was transcribing the interviews, I began
to feel unsettled. It seemed that listening to the interviews was richer than the text because the
audio-recordings captured the participants’ tone of voice, prosody, pauses, silences, hesitations,
emphases, sound effects, and rate of speech in a way that text did not. Seeing these in brackets
in the text seemed to interrupt the flow of their descriptions. To mitigate this, I decided to listen
to the interviews while reading the text to analyze the lived experience descriptions. I listened to
each interview at least four times in their entirety, although I listened to various segments
repeatedly.
Analysis. Analyzing the interviews evolved over the course of five months. Since there
were no firm rules on how to analyze the phenomena, the first interview was analyzed more by
trial and error. Although the openness of the method was daunting, it also provided much space
to be creative and try varying ways of interpretation. I will describe my process of analyzing the
interviews in different ways.
Dialogue with research assistants. After transcribing, I dialogued with a different
research assistant per interview. We listened to the audio recordings while we read the transcript
and then discussed our impression of the interview as a whole. We then discussed specific
descriptions, focusing on which feelings were evoked in us and our gut reactions to the text. We
then discussed how each description reflected what it means to turn toward loss. This was a

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helpful part of the analysis because others highlighted various aspects of the text that I had
overlooked, and fostered alternative interpretations.
Poetic formatting. Following the dialogue with others, I was still dissatisfied with the
textual representations of the interviews. I felt that certain words like “um” and “like” were not
always purposeful and detracted from the descriptions. I also felt that my interjections of “mhm”
and “yeah”, broke up their descriptions in the text. Many of these did not add to or change the
direction of the interview, but served as verbal indicators I was listening. It seemed these filler
words served more of a colloquial function, and were less important to the lived experience
descriptions. I decided to take these words out and “trim” the interviews. I removed anything I
said that did not impact the participants’ responses, and I removed the fillers which did not add
to the descriptions. I then formatted the texts into poetic format, making the various descriptions
into stanzas. There was something about the aesthetic of this format that made the descriptions
come to life. It felt like putting pieces of a puzzle together and trimming away the excess. It
created this united picture, and from this, I analyzed the texts line by line.
Thematic Analysis. It did not take long analyzing the texts line by line to be struck by
the depth and richness of the texts. One of the participants used metaphor throughout the
interview to describe her experience of turning toward loss. Her descriptions were filled with
imagery and poetic language. One such metaphor she used was that of “wearing a wedding dress
of sadness” to describe how her grief was overbearing, heavy, and ever-present. As I read the
line and listened to her say this, I was instantly inspired to depict her description. I had the
immediate thought, “I have to paint this. There is just no other way.” I have never painted
before. I have not taken art classes, and I had no supplies, but the feeling was so strong to do so

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that my decision was already made. It seemed the text was not enough on many levels, audibly
and visually. Moore (2004) captured this in describing imagery:
Images help clarify emotions, memories, and events. They can connect the past with the
present and create a kind of reflection that impacts chronic suffering. It helps to know
what you’re going through. Often our language is too technical, mechanistic, medical,
and psychological, but falls short of our experience.” (p. 215)
I read Moore’s words long after I began painting, but I think he states perfectly how I felt when I
began. I will discuss my experience of painting in a subsequent section.
I analyzed every line in the first text before I realized that I was analyzing lines that were
not oriented toward the phenomena I was studying. I was fortunate to realize this for the next
three texts. I do not think doing so negatively impacted the study apart from taking more time
than was required. I was also constantly challenging myself to see the phenomena beyond my
lens of Existential Analysis. Although Existential Analysis is my theoretical orientation as a
clinician, it is also well integrated with my personal worldview, which at times made it difficult
to ascertain what is theory and what is belief. This posed a challenge to suspend my
assumptions, but because I was aware of this from the outset, I was careful. I think I benefitted
from this epoché-reduction because it forced me to be intentional in my word choice, which in
turn expanded my interpretations. I became aware how closely related language and
interpretation are. I continued to learn the importance of intentional word choice as I wrote the
phenomenological text.
My interpretations of each line and phrase became the thematic meanings, which served
as the foundation of the phenomenological text. For each participant, I created a table with the
headings Meanings, Expansions, and Quotes. I would try to summarize my interpretations of

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what it means to turned toward loss for each line into one or two sentences. Then any time I had
an insight or thought that accompanied the theme, I would write it at length in the expansion
section. These writings were often used directly in the phenomenological text, or as places from
which to expand. I would then insert the direct participant quote next to the theme and
expansion.
I analyzed the texts one at a time. I would then start fresh with each interview, waiting at
least one or two days before beginning the thematic analysis of a new text. I did not want the
themes of the previous text to influence my interpretations of the new text. Although there were
some similar themes in text, I chose not to use the same wording of the theme as before so that
new insights and interpretations could emerge. This created much more work in the end as I had
to integrate every line-by-line theme of all four texts, but it was fascinating to see the overlap and
divergence of the themes. I also analyzed the first text again at the end, as I felt I had achieved a
deeper level of interpretation with the ones following because the first was a product of trial and
error.
Overall the thematic analysis, at times, was quite frustrating because I felt like I was
constantly waiting for moments of insight. Depth of interpretation demanded much energy and
concentration, as well as an attitude of openness I was not used to, so this took longer than I had
anticipated. My analysis suffered from lack of depth when I was tired, so I learned that this was
not simply a matter of “pushing through”. It seems that not only did phenomenology require
openness, but it also required patience. There were numerous moments when I wanted to throw
in the towel, so to say, due to feeling blocked, uninspired, and all around inadequate; however,
van Manen’s (2014) words offered much needed light to these moments of darkness:

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The challenge for inceptual or originary thought is to find nonconceptual and
nontheoretical access to the realm where understandings are evoked through more
indirect, poetic, and vocative means. It requires on the part of the researcher patience and
a willingness to surrender to the grace of serendipity, even if that means to be frustrated
and exasperated when phenomenological insights just do not seem to come. (p. 239)
The thematic analysis also evoked much of my own grieving, which slowed the process.
I journaled more during this phase than other phases. It was evident that my grieving impacted
my interpretation, but it was difficult to judge if this negatively influenced the findings. I felt it
provided more depth to the analysis because I immersed myself into the experience not only
cognitively, but also somatically, emotionally, and spiritually. Journaling my experience of
researching this phenomenon also enabled me to separate what was solely “my stuff” and what
was grounded interpretation of their descriptions. It provided distance so that I could continue to
approach the phenomenon with openness.
Web of themes. Once I finished the line by line thematic analysis, I began integrating the
texts to identify distinct thematic meanings across the four texts. At this point, I had primarily
done the analysis on my own, but wanted another’s interpretations and openness for this part.
My research assistant, Tammy Bartel, was crucial to this portion of the analysis as she provided
much needed perspective, drawing connections between themes and helped nuance themes.
One of the most challenging components of this process was creating a visual
representation of these themes. I was inspired by van Manen’s (1997) description of
phenomenological themes as metaphorical knots on a spider’s web. It seemed there were four
contexts to which the themes belonged: self, others, life, and the noetic. I tried to create a web of

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the themes according to these four contexts, and then fitted the webs together. The result was
this:

Figure 2. Web of thematic meaning structures.
There were a few problems with this. The first being that there were too many themes,
and the second being the sheer confusion of this diagram. After having good laugh and staring at
this for a few hours, we identified some of the themes that seemed to encapsulate and connect
with multiple other themes. From this, we identified eight themes that were meaningful to the
lived experience of turning toward loss, which were the eight described in Chapter 4. However,
it seemed like there was an image on the verge of reavealing itself, being more than just a
diagram, as these themes were dynamic and mutlilayered, and could not be restricted twodimensionally. As I thought more about this, M. C. Escher’s (1953) lithograph print came to
mind:

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Figure 3. Relativity by M.C. Escher, 1953, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relativity_(M._C._
Escher)
This reminded me of an episode from a cartoon I used to watch as a child. In the episode,
the writers brought this image to life and referred to it as a labyrinth. I began researching
labyrinths, and found an informative article by Fergus-Jean (1996) where she described the
labyrinth as a metaphor for transformation. The labyrinth also represented paradox, much like
Escher’s Relativity, where there are many opposing elements existing in relationship. This gave
words to that which I was intuiting, but did not know how to articulate: grieving as paradox. It
seemed the eight themes revealed a labyrinth, which then served as the foundation for the
phenomenological writing. I will discuss the labyrinth further in in the painting section.
Phenomenological Writing
Once the themes were identified and the metaphor of labyrinth was discovered, the
phenomenological writing flowed. This portion of the thesis was the most intimidating due to
lack of direction, but also because of the topic. I had a growing reverence for the phenomenon,
and I wanted to do justice to the participants’ experiences. Much of my journaling during this
time was centered on the “bigness” of grief, and my own feelings of inadequacy in describing
turning toward loss. I felt like I was tapping into the essential nature of grieving as part of the

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human condition, which transcended my time and place in history. This makes sense, not only
because of the pervasiveness of grieving across culture and history, but also because
phenomenological exploration evokes that which is primordial: “This beginning must be sought,
not in some abstract edifice or theory, but in the primordiality of lived experience” (van Manen,
2014, p. 236). Because of these feelings, I was grateful I had the participants’ stories to ground
me and orient me back to the description of the phenomenon. This was especially necessary for
interpretation, as I began to understand how interpretation is a never ending endeavour.
One of the most difficult themes to write was the choosing community theme. I could
not understand at first why the words seemed not to flow as easily as other themes, until they did
flow—when I was writing about lack of community. I become aware of my own personal
experience of grieving and how I chose to be alone. I noticed this pattern emerging in
conducting my research, as I often opted to do much by myself (i.e., transcription and thematic
analysis). Although various colleagues offered to help me, it was difficult for me to open my
research to those who were less familiar with the data or grieving in general.
Part of conducting the phenomenological research lends itself to being a solo affair
because “fundamental inceptual insights are not so easily gained from others or in concert with
others” (van Manen, 2014, p. 238). I certainly found this to be true, as seeking a space of silent
reflection was integral to writing; however, van Manen (2014) continued by stating that these
insights “require personal struggles, private pain, and intimate commitments” (p. 238). The
thematic analysis and writing were quite painful processes, not only because they evoked my
own grieving but also because I found myself in a pervasive state of loneliness. The experience
of my analysis involved inceptual insights, intuitive knowing, and moments of touching truth,
which made it difficult to explain or share my process with colleagues. I was not speaking the

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language of coding, transcription, or content analysis typical of qualitative research. The results
(the phenomenological writing) were embodied and intuited, and with that came a felt silencing
from the culture of academia and from myself. This silencing came in the form of self-doubt
where I would discount my interpretations as being too emotional or too feminine or too
metaphorical and not scientific, valid, or rigorous enough. Yet, there was something right and
good about what was emerging, which offered much hope amidst the doubt. My hesitation to
allow others to share in this process came from not wanting voices of dissuasion to lead me away
from what I felt in my deepest knowing was the truth of the phenomenon. The consequence of
this decision was a sense of estrangement from my research team.
However, after quite a few months of wandering in the darkness of phenomenological
research, I decided I needed some light. Just as the participants needed community to grieve, so
did I to write the text. Tammy immersed herself into the phenomenological writing and offered
some much-needed perspective. She read through the text along the way, expanding it and
offering alternative wording. Ultimately, dialoguing with her also helped ground and reorient
me to the phenomenon. Once the text was written, it was sent to my research committee,
colleagues, and the participants to read and provide feedback. These iconic validity checks
ensured that my interpretations were reflective of the descriptions. The individuals indicated that
they resonated with the writing. Bringing in others at this stage brought the phenomenological
writing to completion. It seemed fitting that it was not complete until others were involved, as
this is reflective of the inherent relational nature of the phenomenon turning toward loss.
Reflexivity Through Creative Expression
In your dark night you may learn a secret hidden from modern people generally:
the truth of things can only be expressed aesthetically—in story, picture, film, dance, music.
Only when ideas are poetic do they reach the depths and express the reality.
(Moore, 2004, p. 9)

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Writing this thesis often felt like one dark night after another dark night. About three
quarters of the way through, I realized that this research study had been a microcosm for turning
toward loss. Essentially in studying grief, I was continually coming to face with my own grief.
Through their stories my participants taught me how to turn toward my losses. Their interviews
did not serve merely as data to analyze, but as guides for my own grieving. I was constantly
holding the tension between the purpose of thesis as an academic requirement for my graduate
degree and the thesis being the source of a meaningful and transformative personal process. I
painted and journaled frequently as a means to express this tension and to oscillate between these
dynamics.
Painting
Originally when I chose to start painting, the purpose was to enhance the data through
visual expression. I aimed to paint my own interpretations and impressions of the participants’
stories, as I felt written expression was insufficient. My hope was to use specific quotes as
inspiration for the paintings. Painting certainly began this way, but soon morphed into this
synergy of grieving, creativity, sanctuary, distance, and transcendence. Throughout this process
I discovered how deeply rooted my value of aesthetics is, and how closely grieving and beauty
are intertwined.
Indeed, it is part of the disturbance of the Beautiful that her graceful force dissolves the old cages
that confine us as prisoners in the unlived life. Beauty is not just a call to growth, it is a
transforming presence wherein we unfold towards growth almost before we realize it.
Our deepest self-knowledge unfolds as we are embraced by Beauty.
(O’Donohue, 2004, p. 8)
Painting soon became a way to practice phenomenology, both of which I am a novice.
And although there are guidelines, each brings with it certain freedom of expression and
exploration. With phenomenology, there is an orientation toward the phenomenon and with that

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I have some control to choose when, where, and how to interpret. However, there are also
moments that I could not control, such as moments of insight and inspiration. I found this
similar with painting. I began the process with a clear intention of portraying some of my
participants’ beautiful words, but there were also reflexive pieces that emerged unexpectedly. I
aimed to paint to bring me closer to my participants’ experiences of turning towards, but I also
found that it took on the function of the epoché. Like writing, it brought me close to and
distanced me from the phenomena. When I was depleted from writing, I found painting would
still my mind. I was not nearly as focused on my participants’ words while painting as I was on
the way the colours merged, the different strokes of each brush, and the way the light would
reflect. Painting soon became meditation, until I was hit with a moment of insight to write once
more. Painting deepened my reflections, becoming the loving partner to my phenomenological
writing. I have included pictures of my paintings and the quotes that served as inspiration. I will
describe my reflections throughout.
I choose the following quote for my first painting:
In times of deep pain in your life, you come to the bottom of who you really are.
And you think I don’t got any more.
And it punches through.
And there is a deeper place in you.
And it punches through.
And there’s these, these places of depth.
These words evoked a visceral response in me when the participant spoke them. I could see that
grieving was transformative for her. From her place of pain, she emerged mightier.

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Figure 4. Painting of Places of Depth
This painting has about nine layers. I continued to add to it, partly out of perfectionist
tendencies, and partly because of “these places of depth”. This painting brought a few insights.
Firstly, it was the embodiment of the fact I did not know how to paint. It taught me to let the
need for professional quality go, and to just do it. This was necessary for me to be able to write
phenomenologically, since in many ways, I felt intimidated to do so. Painting provided me with
the courage to write, and reminded me that I do not need to control, but instead allow depth to
emerge. Secondly, I assumed that in painting quotes about grief, I would choose dark tones.
After all, grief is black, is it not? Not always. I found in painting my participants’ experiences, I
was surprised by the amount of colour I was using. The vibrancy on the canvas reflected back to
me precisely that grieving is unpredictable and multifaceted. There are dark tones, but there are
also rich and lively tones.
I chose the following quote for this painting:
I have found that grief has burned the bullshit off of me.

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Figure 5. Painting of Grieving Burned the Bullshit
The theme of transformation was becoming more evident throughout analysis. The
participants all discussed how in allowing themselves to turn toward their losses, they became
more themselves. Their relationships with their selves deepened, and so did their relationships
with others. They were no longer focusing on things of this life that were not meaningful (i.e.,
appearances), but rather chose to live more authentically. This was one of the significant lessons
that the participants taught me.
In a dark night, beauty allows you a glimpse of transcendence and therefore liberation,
without allowing you an escape from your situation.
(Moore, 2004, pp. 227-228)
I chose the following quote for this painting:

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You can see when people are dying, they get this colour.
They turn ivory.
Their skin sits funny on their faces.
You see death taking hold.

Figure 6. Painting of Death's Hand
I chose the following quote for this painting:
It’s like wearing a big freaking wedding dress,
That’s not a wedding dress.
Like a wedding dress of sadness.
Just wear it.
Do the dishes in your sadness wedding dress.
Go shopping in your sadness wedding dress.
Just with you.

151

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Figure 7. Painting of Wedding Dress of Sadness
As I was painting, I was finding textures, colours, brushes, and mediums that I liked and
did not like. There came with this a sense of freedom and liberation to paint in a way that would
reflect who I was. Although it will keep evolving, it was important for me to become aware of
this so that I could write the phenomenological text with my authentic voice. Getting in touch
with my inner authenticity served as a ground from which I could roam freely as I explored
turning toward loss.
I chose the following quote for this painting:
It colours, even to now, colours everything.
Even when I am in those wonderful moments, I am aware that my son is not.
I can’t escape that.
I can’t escape that.

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But for me, it doesn’t stop me from having those moments.

Figure 8. Painting of Grief
As I continued to paint, I found my own abilities, and even at times the canvas, becoming
increasingly limiting. The participants’ experiences were incredibly dynamic and complex.
There were times I wish I knew how to animate so I could portray this complexity through
movement. I began to use more texture in my paintings, so that they would be more tactile. I
started to imagine numerous ways I could depict this phenomenon. It was around this time when
I created the web of themes, thought about Escher’s (1953) Relativity, and discovered the
labyrinth. The next three paintings were influenced by my journey into the labyrinth of grief.

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Figure 9. Painting of The Labyrinth of Grief
Labyrinths are ancient, being one of the “oldest circular formations on earth” which are
“recognized by many cultures … over thousands of years” (Katsilometes, 2010, p. 194). The
spiral pattern of a labyrinth symbolizes energy regeneration, and the “nonlinear pattern of
intuitive, meditative exploration” (p. 196). Labyrinths are also symbols of death and rebirth,
self-exploration and discovery, and pilgrimage. They are places for people to face their inner
darkness toward a more whole, spiritual self. The more I read about the labyrinth, the more
intrigued I was by it. I had felt that grieving was on many levels primordial. Grieving is
something people have been doing for as long as we have been in relationship with one another.
It is something people will continue to do long after we are gone. Viewing turning toward loss
through the lens of walking a labyrinth deepened my understanding of what it means to grieve.

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The metaphor of labyrinth captured the disorienting, unpredictable nature of grieving while also
the illuminating and transformative component, which corresponds with the centre and the
journey outward (cf. Griffith, 2002). The labyrinth captured the many paradoxes the participants
described, such as the process of dying to themselves and rebirthing, and feeling alone and yet
connected with others.
The painting below was inspired by the quote:
There is still that empty spot but it’s faded.
It’s like somebody walking off into the distance.
You can’t see them as much the further they get away.
So the same thing as time goes on you never forget that person.
But I think eventually the pain goes.

Figure 10. Painting of The Center

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The image of a loved one walking away in the distance greatly impacted me, as I felt it
captured the pain of pining for someone who is far away. This painting took on a new meaning
for me personally, as not only did it signify the death of a loved one, but it also signified walking
towards the center of the labyrinth. That in turning towards the loss of a loved one, there is a
“second death”. The bullshit is burned and a transformed self emerges. Discovering the
labyrinth felt like stepping into the center of this research process. It provided ground from
which the phenomenological writing could grow.
The painting below was inspired by the quote:
I was like a chameleon.
I tried to twist myself into what I thought you wanted me to be.
No.
No.
I am who I am.

Figure 11. Painting of Ignite

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I was contemplating how to depict the participants’ transformative experience of turning
toward their losses, which seemed to correspond with the centre of the labyrinth. The
participants described their transformations in a fierce and powerful way. They did not
apologize for their strong sense of selves nor for freely grieving. There was a certain electricity
in the air when they spoke, and I felt that their renewed strength was embraced amidst their
losses.
Journaling
To write is to reflect; to write is to research.
And in writing we may deepen and change ourselves in ways we cannot predict.
(van Manen, 2014, p. 20)
As will be described in this section, this research was very difficult to conduct due it
being emotionally evocative. I resonated with Granek’s (2017) article on five female researchers
who were impacted personally and professionally due to conducting qualitative studies on
emotionally laden topics. I also have been impacted in these ways. Exploring the lived
experience of turning toward loss has been nothing short of emotional labour, as Seear and
McLean (2008) termed it. They stated that “the unacknowledged emotional labour in qualitative
research on sensitive topics can produce significant anxiety and stress for researchers”, so it is
ethically imperative to have support systems in place (p. 4). I sought these on my own as I
needed them (more as trial and error), but in hindsight, I would have benefitted from discussing
how I would seek support from the outset. I was fortunate that I was not surprised the emotional
labour because my supervisor and I had discussed the likelihood. I had a support system
surrounding me throughout this process, which consisted of my research team, clinical
colleagues, friends, and family.

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Journaling was one such activity which was integral to processing the emotional labour
of this research, while maintaining reflexivity. Journaling served as the bridge between the
academic and poetic writing, as well as the professional and personal aims of this study. It
facilitated a certain closeness and distance on multiple levels throughout this study. Van Manen
(2014) asserted that writing is the research in phenomenology, which I did not fully understand
until I was well immersed in it. Conducting phenomenology challenged me as a researcher,
clinician, student, and griever simultaneously. It is truly a marriage of research and experience.
It lends itself well to studying topics relevant to counselling psychology because as scientistpractitioners, we are concerned with both.
Robert Neimeyer is a prolific scientist-practitioner in the field of thanatology. I resonate
with his words on professional and poetic writing:
I shift my writing efforts from the computer keyboard on which I compose all of my
‘professional’ work to the paper and pencil with which I tease lines from my poetic muse.
Although both forms of writing flow best when I am feeling inspired and minimally
directed by preconceived goals (which I take as something of a general principle for
therapy and life, as well), poetry requires something more: a clearing of mind, a slowing
of pace, a patient opening to experience, cultivating a kind of “connoisseurship” for its
novelty, feeling tone, and contradiction. When the writing is going well, it comes in short
bursts of images, with half-conscious attention to alliteration, rhythm, prosody—factors
that also play a role in my academic writing but which are promoted to center stage when
my focus is poetic. Something about this process makes me keenly aware of the dialectic
between myself and the world, as I quiet my typically intense activity to “sit with” a

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memory, feeling, scene, or perception, while also noticing its reverberation in me at
nearly a bodily level. (Neimeyer, 2008, p. 289)
With phenomenology, I am not so sure that the professional and personal work can be distinct in
this way, moving from keyboard to pen, although I certainly did the same. But that which
moved me on an emotional and bodily level—the numerous insights, which often came in poetic
form—served as a ground for the phenomenological writing. I have included some of my
journal entries below, divided into specific stages of this study. I have summarized some journal
entries and provided quotes, as well as included full text for some. I have tried to include the
most salient for the purposes of this study, so not all entries are listed. My hope is that these
reveal, not only conducting phenomenological exploration as it lived through, but also the
richness of reflexive practice of qualitative research.
Research formulation journaling. The following journal entries were written while the
study was being conceived.
May 13, 2015
In beginning this thesis on the topic of grieving, I will describe my own experience of
grieving to make my position explicit:
I had always felt that a core piece of me died along with my dad. I felt ‘finished’ grieving my
father within the year and a half following his death. I felt estranged from him. He was nowhere to
be found. He wasn’t in me—I looked nothing like him and we had different personalities. Pictures
were just pictures—he’s not there. The grave is just dirt—he’s not there. He never lived with me,
so he wasn’t at home. I didn’t see him in other people—he was too unique. He was just gone. I
wrestled with what the point of grieving was since he would never come back. I moved on.
Eventually I was so far removed from my grief, from my relationship with him, that nothing
would move that barrier. This did not begin to change until I transitioned from adolescence to
adulthood, to which I faced a problem with my sense of self: I felt completely fragmented.
This led to the development of this study, as I wondered what may have been different had I
allowed myself to turn toward my loss of him from the beginning. I am seeking that answer through
the participants who have allowed themselves to grieve their losses. What does it look like to attend
to grief? How do others do it? Does this process shape or impact them in any way? I am hoping
that the answers to these questions will bring understanding, and a wisdom, in supporting those who
are grieving as a counsellor, a researcher, and as a fellow griever.

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November 17, 2015
I am defending my proposal next week, and I feel so unprepared. What does turning toward
really mean? How do we operationalize it for this study? I will operationalize turning toward loss as
the active process of attending to one’s grief when it arises. Attending to the thoughts, feelings,
sensations—attending to what arises as the result of one’s loss. The “what” may vary depending on
the individual. It could be within the bereaved—feelings, thoughts, impulses, longings, desires,
fears, dreams, and so on. It could be outside the individual, such as relationship dynamics with
others and the bereaved’s surrounding environments (school, work, nature, and so on). Grieving is
defined as turning toward loss? This study is looking at the grieving process, not at grief in terms of
emotion.
November 20, 2015
Thesis is a very vulnerable process. I feel exposed. I have to continually come to face with
myself. Again and again. And then I have to face others as they examine, evaluate, and critique my
own work. Am I afraid of being inadequate? That they will somehow point out to me that I am not
cut out for this? That there is something inherently wrong? I fear standing in front of my
committee, knowing that they see a woman who is not good at everything—a student, a novice, an
imposter even. What am I really here for? Why am I doing research?
November 26, 2015
I just had my proposal defence. I know what I want but I blanked. I could not find my
voice in there. I couldn’t articulate anything. Where was I? Why did I not show up? As soon as we
started discussing changing this to a theoretical thesis or doing grounded theory, I felt like I was
going to be sick. Why am I so set on phenomenology? Is that not a bad thing, to be stuck to one
method? And yet, I have this deep-seated sense that it is right. It actually feels like the only right
piece about this whole thing. We decided to change the topic from a phenomenological study of
turning towards loss to grieving in general, as to remain open. But van Manen says that you can do
a phenomenological study on a theory if the theory is the phenomenon in question. And turning
toward is not even a theory, we decided it is an activity. So I am confused. I need to narrow in on a
specific definition of grieving, and build my rationale. I need to review the empirical studies on
bereavement and outline the limitations. I need to take out the grief scale and make slight changes
to the method. Then I need to do and submit my REB application. But then again, maybe I will
just take a break for a while.
Data collection journaling. The following journal entries were written while the
participants were being recruited and while the interviews were being conducted.
June 21, 2016
I had my first interview. I am a little concerned this interview is not exactly what I am
looking for. It seems in some ways she has turned towards and other ways not. She did say some
things that are quite thought provoking. When she said misfit, I thought about exposure. Being
exposed. Grief exposes you. It sets you aside. It puts you on an island, away from others. Are they

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to swim to you or are you to swim to the shore? Can you withstand the waves? Is it safer on your
island of misfit? Is it safer to remain separate? Is this what grief does? Does it separate? Separate
whom from whom? The self from the self? Does it do this so we may examine the self and the
other for what is truly appearing? Does grief reveal the truth? Is that not the whole point? We are
never truly not alone. No one else is in our bodies. No one else experiences our feelings, our
thoughts. No one else feels the breath we draw and expel. We are all misfits—grief just exposes
this truth. We become surprised when we all grieve differently. To grieve is to expose the self.
Exposing the self is a dangerous endeavour, for how will we meet the self? With kindness and love?
With shame and self-loathing? Does our relationship with the dead help us stand with ourselves
amidst this exposure? Who will stand with me if not I, you? We are all misfits, perhaps prone to
perpetual loneliness. Grief just delivers this message. And as we pull it from out of the bottle, our
eyes open to our personal islands. Perhaps hell or transformation awaits us when we realize grieving
is all we have.
August 21, 2016
I am losing steam with this thesis. I feel I am grieving again. I am not sure it will ever go
away. I don’t think grieving ever does. It just fades, like Shirley says … or morphs. It changes. My
dad is a stranger but I still long for him in some way. I am not sure what I want. I cannot picture
having a dad. What if he were still alive and then we became estranged? That would be worse. My
person desperately wants to connect with him, to not feel this longing, this loneliness, this
foreignness. I suppose that is the loss. My person will never encounter his. Perhaps that is the
tragedy when a child loses her parent. There are not enough person-to-person encounters to hold
onto, and further yet, the child is poor now because the child needs the other in order for the self to
develop. And one of my “others” died. I think the part of my person that would have been seen by
my dad is searching for him. She longs for him. A hollow ghost looking to be made whole,
substantiated, so she can dance, soar, take flight … for now, she’s poor.
Analysis journaling. The following journal entries were written during transcription of
the interviews, the thematic analysis, and the interpretation of the lived experience descriptions.
September 20, 2016
Grief is a different terrain. It is land, like a desert—vast and endless. It is like a forest, layers
upon layers of trees, hundreds of paths, unable to see the other side. It is water, like an ocean—
deep, dark, powerful and always in motion. This is ‘Grief-land’. It is a terrain that is difficult to
walk and swim. One with many paths. How can I be on one path and all paths at the same time?
How can I feel these many things within me? How can I lose my positioning and yet stay standing?
How can I shed so many layers and yet become stronger? How can I connect with some people, and
walk with them, and with others I am distant? How can I be with others and yet be completely with
myself? What is this land, and water that I am treading? How do I navigate it but stay present?
And yet I am in my life, doing life and caring for others, but I am also perfectly grieving. How do I
exist on these two planes?

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October 1, 2016
Is grief not just like maturation in some respect? How do we know we are who we are?
What about us is constant over time? Yet we are not the same as when we were children, teenagers,
young adults even. We know we have grown, learned, changed, and lost. We have lost. And in our
losses, we grieve. And as we grieve, we grow, and change, and learn, and lose some more. We lose
ourselves. We are not the same, until we find ourselves, but a slightly different self. We may not
even notice until we pause and reflect on where we were, and suddenly we are light years away.
How could I have gone all this way and not have known I was moving? How is it that I remember
so clearly being stuck, stagnant, broken on the floor? But here I am today and I am not the same. I
am changed. My grieving is with me, but it is changed, grown, matured. I do not need the same
things now that I did then. My appreciation is deeper. My empathy is ever present. I see more
clearly. I fear not. How different I am! And yet I am me. The same me that was born into the
world. But a renewed me, a transformed me. And thus, the grief that courses through my very cells
is also transformed. It has changed and grown with me.
October 10, 2016
Hmm. How interesting. ‘Grief is indescribable and I am a writer’. It seems that words and pictures
still lack movement. The truly gifted people are those who can imbue movement into their still
characters and images. I am not gifted in that regard. I also feel I am not a writer. I am not fit for
this task to describe and portray the indescribable and the incomprehensible. What does grief even
look like? I need someone who can depict movement. I need someone more gifted than I. I am
not suited for this. I am not big enough for grief. Is this how it feels? Suddenly something is within
me that is bigger than I? It is foreign and strange and surreal and does not fit. It is un-real, it is not
of this world. How can it be within me? How can I be encountering something that is figureless?
Yet when I look in a mirror I see it on my face, and in my heart, and my hands. I try to wash it off
and it is there. It has taken over my cells, my consciousness. It is ever-present and pervasive, and
bigger yet. I can only catch glimpses. Only my person can encounter something so big. Only my
person. But I am not in touch with my person always. I cannot possibly live authentically, fully
persona in every waking moment. As such I cannot possibly touch grief in every waking moment.
It is too much. I need rest. I need to cope. I need to get living, for whatever that means at this
time.
Is this what grief does? Does grieving force me to be one with my person? Does it build that
bridge for me to walk along, so that I know the path? Or is it the thing that I encounter when I am
with myself? Do I need to turn toward my person, and in doing so, then I find grief? Is this why I
cry even when I do not know it is me who is crying? Because my person is ever constantly
encountering grief? Is this why I could not when I was younger? Is this why it is so painful for me
now? Because just now I know myself, and just now I know my grief. It comes when it wants to,
but I feel it when I allow myself to. It is a two-way street. Can grief not be experienced fully if I am
not with myself? And the loss wants to be experienced fully, it wants to be felt and recognized and
reconciled with. Is this why then I am forced to reach deeper places within myself? I cannot fully
reconcile this loss when I am not fully with my person.

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December 12, 2016
What is a journey? Do I assume it has a destination? Perhaps it does not. Can grieving truly be
compared to a journey? There is no real destination. The pain fades, so you get distance, but that
only happens through closeness. Closeness with self, others, and God—what a paradox! But it feels
like a journey because there is movement, and it is laborious and tiresome. So a journey to what? A
path to what? In some ways, it is like life … the journey of life that ends when we die. Is grief the
journey back to life, although I never left it? A picture that I have seen before keeps coming to
mind, although I cannot remember the name. It has stairs going in all different directions. That is
what I feel intuitively that grieving is. I have to find the picture of the stairs …
December 13, 2016
I would say that Time has not been my friend during this thesis. One part of me wishes it would
end and be finished, wishes that I would meet deadlines and check off boxes. But a much larger
part of me knows that this cannot be the case with such a topic like grieving. Grieving seems not
constrained by limits of temporality. The griever who turns knows not the rules or boundaries of
time. Time just seems to deliver the future, often the unwanted future reminding me that I am still
not finished. I have changed since the start of writing this thesis, but Time was the passive player.
It was Grieving that really changed me. May I be so bold to say that Time healed very little? It
simply reminded me that I do not like its rules.
December 19, 2016
I think the healing in grief is that I grieve with my whole person. Every part of me grieves in unison.
And when this happens, it is like I am touching truth. My whole being quakes and quivers. My
deep person thunders and sparks with lightening. She has awoken, and all I can do is surrender and
quiver away.
December 20, 2016
I am totally paralyzed. This feeling has become familiar but no friendlier than it was the first time
we met. How am I to possibly write the analysis? It just seems to be too much. Where to start?
How to make it flow? Something within me is just screaming WRITE SOMETHING. Part of me
needs a plan, needs direction, needs control … but is that not missing the point of this entire
process? How can I learn something again and again, and still not fully grasp it? I have been truly
alive in the presence of this wisdom, and yet I continually forget its touch. If I do not begin now, I
am afraid I’ll never finish. The paralysis of desperation.
December 23, 2016
Are the physical realm and spiritual realm separated? They co-exist but one is seen, experienced,
and the other is intuited and believed in. Perhaps the death of someone I love allows me to live in
these realities simultaneously. The spiritual self awakens and becomes aware, but does not align so
closely with the physical self, the self that exists and operates in my every day. And perhaps grieving
is the reconciliation between these two. The bridging of these two. It facilitates these two selves to
turn toward one another and come together, and perhaps that is why we come into our persons

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when we grieve. We need suffering to be fully awake. Surrealism, meaning beyond realism …
perhaps this does not mean not real or unreal, the way I have always thought of it, but just that: real,
and further beyond. More real, truer real. We need suffering to come to this place. And the
suffering brings us here before we even know where we have arrived, and thus we are disoriented
and barely remember when they first died.
The spiritual self, the creative, intuitive, noetic, essential person exists in the surreal. Perhaps this is
why we cannot access this self all the time. It is only when the real and the surreal align that we truly
experience authenticity in its truest form: The person that was never meant to die. The person that
can never get sick. The untouchable, unstoppable person. The person that feels no fear. Grieving
allows us to exist in the surreal. So what is grieving in all this? What is grieving’s role? Identity? It
seems silly to personify grief, but yet it is something. It is like it exists, in the way that love does. In
the way that death does. Is grieving a guide? Is it the bridge?
January 3, 2017
It’s a labyrinth! That’s what it is. I found the picture. The more I read about labyrinths, the more
excited I am to write this thing. It seems like all the pieces that were floating have come together to
make a cohesive whole.
January 13, 2017
In researching grief, I feel like I have stared into the abyss. I think what was one of the most
overwhelming feelings of studying grief is that it is so big, who am I to reduce it to something
measurable? I suppose that is why I chose phenomenology in the first place. It was the most open,
and it gave the most space to something so much bigger than I. How does one step out of one’s
human condition to study that which seems primordial? Grieving is older than I. It transcends me.
Where do I look? Up to the stars? Down to the core? Out to the vastness? How can I study that
which I swim in, like a fish in water?
Integration stage. The following journal entries were written during the integration of
the findings into existential analytic theory and the existing grief and bereavement literature.
February 12, 2017
I am thinking about my discussion chapter, and what point I would like to make with my findings.
It is difficult because I feel I do not have more to say, and yet I need to integrate it with the current
literature and discuss clinical implications and so on. I wonder what is our goal in making grief a
science? For what purpose? To control it? Improve the outcome? What outcome? What
understanding does it provide? Why do we seek to understand it? How am I going to contribute to
my field if I am questioning the point of research? I believe there is purpose in it, but today it feels
trite. As I am writing this, there is a group of graduate students singing the Beatles’ Let It Be. I
cannot help but smile. Today I think I need to just let the findings breathe a little, before trying to
summarize and mold them into academic language. Perhaps this is all I can really do with grief: let it
be.

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March 12, 2017
Writing is a producing activity.
The writer produces text, but he or she produces more than text.
The writer produces himself or herself.
The writer is the product of his or her own product.
Writing is a kind of self-making or self-forming.
To write is a measure the depth of things, as well as to come to a sense of one’s own depth.
(van Manen, 2014, p. 365)
Writing allowed me to heal. It was like tending to the wound, an essential way for my spirit to
reconcile with the loss and do justice to my being. Writing gave voice to the ungraspable in ways
that talking does not. Writing is self-distancing and self-transcendent. I distance from myself to
look at myself and then I transcend myself and encounter my person. Writing is a monument to the
pain, to the loss. I will write and write and write and write. I will witness me again and again, over
and over. I am writing to engage with my loss and to find reprieve from it. Writing to clean the
wound and tend to it. Writing to sew it shut and take out the sutures. It is a tugging and a pulling
and a weaving. It is beyond me. I can only catch glimpses and describe the glimpse.
March 27, 2017
Writing this thesis was like giving birth. It was strange to see how the findings came into existence
because I wrote them, and they would not have otherwise. It felt somewhat miraculous, especially
after laboring for so long. However, writing the discussion is like breast feeding with sensitive
nipples. I just gave birth, now I have to—perhaps successfully or not—do this other thing with my
body that feels tied to my inherent worth as a mother. That is how I feel as a researcher who just
birthed this creative, interpretive work and now I need to nurse it by integrating it into praxis so it
can grow.
June 19, 2017
I am struggling to finish the revisions of this thesis, and I think I have finally pinpointed why. Van
Manen (2014) stated, "the practical value of phenomenology also should be found in the sheer
pleasure of insight and feeling touched by things that reach the depth of our existence and confirm
our humanness" (p. 68). I think that has always been enough for me personally to do this study—
simply that grief is fundamental to being human and that turning toward evoked such a wonder in
me, it shook my entire being. But this has never felt enough academically, not when it came to
building a solid rationale. Van Manen goes on to write how Heidegger agreed "with those who feel
that phenomenology lacks effectiveness or utility if one hopes to do something practically or
technically useful with it" (p. 69). And I think that is how I have always viewed the rationale: that my
study must have an obvious utility value to it and the problem being that I have never been able to
come up with one. If I am to be truthful, I can speculate how my findings contribute to theory and
the discipline of psychology and the grief and bereavement field, and I enjoy discussing theory, but
when it becomes the justification for the very existence of my study, that was never what it was for
to begin with. It was always for the griever. I wonder, will this ever be enough for academia?

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So the question of 'why did I study this?' haunts me because I don't feel like the truth is good
enough for the requirements of a thesis study, and yet exactly good enough for phenomenology. All
this to say, this thesis was not simply a cognitive affair, but a soul affair. And I wonder now, what
does it mean and what does it look like to be a researcher who hunts for the soul of a thing? Is there
a place for me in academia?
June 30, 2017
As a most assuredly implicated researcher, I am aware of the body of researchers who may criticize
this research as illegitimate due to its personal nature. However, as much as I am aware of the
mores of academia, I choose in this moment to be free of them. I will end with this:
When my dad died, I should not have been able to ‘bear’ myself, but I did because I was too
concerned with social graces of whether or not it was acceptable to touch a dead person. My culture
was so overpowering, it kept me separated from my own grief. My dad was dead, but I was more
concerned of what others would think of me. Perhaps this may be indicative of my adolescence, but
I feel in my deepest knowing that I was the most afraid of being ostracized and alone. Someone I
loved to my very core was dead in front of me, so what I could not bear was to have others leave
me, if I could help it. I did touch his hand despite my fear, but for the days following I was to be
perpetually separated from my grief for the sake of acceptance. And I lost myself because of it.
This thesis was nothing if not a long apology letter to that little girl that I left behind. So to her I say
I am sorry, and of her I ask, please forgive me.
In conclusion, practicing phenomenology and reflexivity often led me to places of more
questions—questions of grief, turning toward, coping, emotions, creativity, and spirituality,
questions that seemed to have no easy answers. It has been difficult to conclude this thesis, put
down the pen/keyboard, and package it into a ‘finished product’. I constantly have to remind
myself that this should be the case, especially for a topic such as grieving—that the state I am in
now, questions and musings, is perfectly reflective of the complexity of this topic. And this
topic will continue to evolve and be interpreted over time. It is certainly dynamic and fluid, not
something that can be fully grasped, captured, or pinpointed. What I can conclude confidently is
that my exploration of turning toward loss has transformed me as a griever, a researcher, and a
clinician. I hope that the phenomenon of turning toward loss will also evoke, awaken, transform
and resonate deeply with others. And for those readers who are grieving, I hope that you find
much comfort, care, and courage through your own labyrinths of grief.

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APPENDIX A: Recruitment Poster

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APPENDIX B: Screening Template for Participants

Phenomenological Grieving Study
Template for Screening Participants
Name:
Phone Number:
Email:
•
•
•

•
•

Date:

Introduction of who I am and explain that I am returning his or her call regarding
participating in the grieving study.
Thank you for contacting us in regards to this study. Can I ask how you found out about
this study?
The purpose of this call is to explain the study to you and to determine whether your
experience fits with the purpose of the project. I am going to be asking you some
questions about your grieving process to better understand your journey. You do not
have to go into much detail, but rather provide broad descriptions. I am going to be
typing your answers as we go—it is only to record your answers and not to evaluate
them. There are no right or wrong answers to the questions.
This phone call may take up to 30 minutes. Is it all right to proceed or would another
time be more suitable?
I understand that these questions are quite personal, are you in an area you feel
comfortable answering some of these questions?

Semi-structured questions:
1. Can you tell me a bit about your loved one? Who was it that died? When did
_______ die?6
2. When you first heard the news of the death, do you remember your reaction? What
was that like for you?
3. What feelings or thoughts emerged and have these feelings/thoughts changed over
time?
4. How did you respond to these feelings/thoughts? What was your attitude towards
them? (e.g. liked/disliked them, welcomed them, so on) What did you ‘do’ with
them?
Query: Following up after asking what the potential participant did with their feelings, I will
inquire about suicidal ideation/previous attempts. If the potential participant indicates that s/he is
presently or recently suicidal (i.e. less than one year), the screening portion of the call will be
terminated immediately as the potential participant will not meet the requirements of the study.
In its stead, the researcher will conduct a brief suicide risk assessment and direct the potential
6

In order for the participants to be included in the study, the deceased has to have passed away in the past 3 + years.
Should the potential participants not meet these criteria, they will be informed of this fact at this point, thanked
kindly for their interest in the study, and the phone call ended.

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participant to the appropriate level of care. Questions that may facilitate such a risk assessment
include:
- Have you ever attempted to hurt yourself or tried to commit suicide in the past?
- How often do you presently think of harming yourself?
- Do you presently have a plan or a timeframe to harm yourself?
- Has anyone in your family or among your friends committed suicide or attempted to
harm themselves in the past?
If the potential participant indicates that s/he is at a greater risk for suicide (e.g., is thinking about
suicide daily, has a current plan/timeframe for committing suicide, has recently attempted
suicide), the participant will be encouraged to call a suicide hotline (e.g., 1-800-SUICIDE 7842433) and will be given the information of their local public mental health centre (e.g.,
Abbotsford Mental Health; 604-870-7800). In the event that this potential participant has a
mental health provider, s/he will also be directed to contact him or her. In the event that a
potential participant is actively suicidal during the telephone screening call (i.e. indicates that
s/he plans to commit suicide), the potential participant will be required to seek professional help
immediately (eg. call his/her doctor, psychiatrist, counsellor, or 911).
5. Was there ever a time where you allowed yourself to feel your feelings/think your
thoughts about the loss? What did that look like? (Query: concrete example)
6. How did you do this? Did you grieve on your own or with a family or group?
7. Did you use anything to help you express your feelings? (e.g. journaling,
conversation, art, etc.)
Screening Interview Conclusion:
Thank the individual for their time and for briefly discussing their grieving process. I will
explain that once we review the interview, we will decide if the individual fits the criteria for
inclusion in the study. I will also explain that should we continue to the next phase, the
individual will be asked to meet at Trinity Western University to undergo an hour and a half to
two hour interview, which will involve a more in-depth discussion of their grieving process.
If once we review the interview and decide the individual is not the best suited for the study, then
I will contact them and let them know. The individual will be asked how they prefer to be
contacted (email or telephone).
If we do not continue further, your answers will be permanently deleted. If we decide to
continue to the next interview, your answers will be password protected and stored in a secure
location. We greatly appreciate your willingness to participate. Ask if there any questions.

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APPENDIX C: Demographic Questionnaire
Phenomenological Grieving Study
Participant Background Information

Name: _________________________________________________________________
Gender: MALE / FEMALE
Date of Birth: _____________________________
Current education (check only one option):
____ Completed High School
____ Completed College or Trade/Technical Institute
____ Completed Undergraduate Degree (e.g., Bachelor of Arts, Bachelor of Science)
____ Completed Graduate Degree (e.g., Master of Arts, PhD, MD, etc.)

Current profession:
__________________________________________________________________
Were you born in Canada? YES / NO
If NO, what country were you born in: ____________________________
How many years have you lived in Canada: ____________________

How would you describe your cultural or ethnic background (e.g., Welsh; German; Taiwanese;
French-Canadian; East-Indian; First Nations, Latino):
__________________________________________________________

How would you describe your current spiritual/religious background (e.g., Christian [Mainline
Protestant, Catholic, Evangelical, Christian Reformed, other], Buddhist, Hindu, Sikh, Muslim,
etc.):
__________________________________________________________

What language do you usually speak at your home (e.g., English): _______________

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Who is in your immediate family? ___________________________________________
Names and ages:
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Who was your loved one who died? (e.g. spouse and name)________________________
How old was your loved one at the time of his/her death? _________________________
When did your loved one die? _______________________________________________
How did your loved one die?
______________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

What have you done to cope with the loss of your loved one? (e.g., support from family/friends,
parental bereavement support group, worked with a grief therapist, etc.)
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________

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APPENDIX D: Informed Consent for Participants
Graduate Program in Counselling Psychology
7600 Glover Road
Langley, B.C. Canada V2Y 1Y1
Tel: +1.604.888.7511

Experience of Grieving Study Informed Consent
Principal Researcher: Janelle Drisner, BA (Honours), Counselling Psychology, Trinity
Western University
Supervisor:
Dr. Derrick Klaassen, PhD, Counselling Psychology, Trinity Western
University
Contact info:

If you have any questions about the research project itself, you may contact
Janelle Drisner.

If you have any concerns about your treatment or rights as a research participant, you may
contact the Office of Research, Trinity Western University at 604-513-2142.
Dear Participants,
Thank-you for your interest in this study, which is designed to explore your experience of
grieving.
Overview of the Study
If you agree to participate, you will be asked to take part in one interview which will be
two hours in length. The interview will be audio-recorded. The purpose for the recording is to
enable the research team to transcribe and analyze what you have said. This interview involves
gathering details about your loss and what your grieving process. It is not required that you
know specifically each detail following the death, but rather that you can share what your
grieving process has been like since your loss. You will be asked questions about your grief,
including how it impacted you and who also shared in your grieving process. After the
interview, you will be given opportunity to add to your narrative if you see fit.
Time Commitment
The total time commitment involved in this study is three hours. This includes the time
of the interview, plus any questions you may have before or following the interview. If you are
interested in the results of the study, you will be given the opportunity to leave your contact
information so that we can send you a summary, once we have finished with each participant.
You will also be given an opportunity to provide the researcher with feedback after reading the
results.
Potential Risks and Benefits
The potential risks of participating in this study are minimal, meaning that participating
in the study will not involve risks that go beyond what you normally experience in your daily
life. The focus of this study is your experience of grieving following your loss. Some people
may find it embarrassing to be audio-recorded, or uncomfortable talking about their grieving. If
you ever feel uncomforable, you can take a break from the interview, or even decide that you no
longer want to continue at all. Some distress in discussing your grief may be expected; however,
if problems in your grieving process do develop over the next six months, we will be available to

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help you find an appropriate grief counsellor, depending on your needs. You may access Fraser
River Counselling Centre at low or no cost. Should you require professional counselling
services and not have the funds to pay for these services, we can direct you to publically
accessible and free resources within your community.
Your participation in this study will help us explore and understand more about the
experience of grieving. You may also discover that participating in this study will be helpful
to you in your grieving as some participants become clearer about the impacts of grieving
and rethink their values and lives.
Your Rights and Compensation
Your participation in this study is entirely voluntary and you may refuse to participate or
withdraw from the study at any time. To compensate you for the time that you spend on this
study, and for any travel or other costs that come from participating, you will be given $30 after
the interview. Your compensation will not be affected should you choose to withdraw from the
study after the interview.
Any information that is obtained in connection with this study and that can be identified
with you will remain confidential and will be disclosed only with your permission or as required
by law. Before the interview commences, you can opt to choose a pseudonym so your name will
not be included in the transcript. We will store all information and recordings from interviews in
locked filing cabinets and password protected computer hard-drives and email accounts; only the
investigators will have access to the information. The data (transcriptions only – audio
recordings will be destroyed) will be stored securely for 5 years. All data from participants who
choose to withdraw will be destroyed. You have the right to withdraw from the study at any time
and for any reason up until the research is submitted to the point where it is made public. Should
you wish to discontinue participation, you may advise the researchers in person or by phone or
email using the contact information provided on page one.
Your signature below indicates that you have had your questions about this study
answered to your satisfaction and have received a copy of this consent form for your own
records. Your signature also indicates that you consent to participate in this study as it is
described in this consent form and that your responses may be put in fully anonymous form and
kept for further use after the completion of this study (i.e. no identifying information about you
or audio recordings of the interviews will be included in the results of the study that will be
published and/or presented at conferences).
☐
☐

I am willing to participate in the study as described in this consent form
I am willing to allow my data from this study to be kept in anonymous form for up to five
years for further research.
___________________________________________
_______________________
Signature (Participant)

Date

___________________________________________
Name (please print)

___________________________________________

_______________________

Signature (Interviewer)

Date

___________________________________________
Name (please print)

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APPENDIX E: Interview Guide
Phenomenological Grieving Study
Template for Grieving Interview

Thank you for taking the time to participate in this interview. First we will start by reviewing the
informed consent and answer any questions you may have. I also want to check-in about
confidentiality. Did you want to use a pseudonym for yourself and for others you will be
referring to? I can give you a pen and paper to write them down so you remember as you go.
When you are ready to begin, I will start audio-recording the interview and we can begin
discussing your grieving process. The questions I will be asking are quite personal, and it is
understandable if feelings arise for you. If at any point you become uncomfortable, you have the
right to request a break or stop the interview all together. I will be checking in with you as we
go.
1. Can you tell me about _________? (ask about picture or special item if they brought
any). What was your relationship like with the person who died?
2. Can you describe the death of your loved one?
3. Did you have a service? Can you describe the funeral/memorial?
(Query: did you have a role in the funeral?)
If they didn’t have a service, how did the support of the community follow
afterwards?
4. Can you tell me about how you responded when your loved one died? (Query:
Feelings? Reactions? Thoughts?)
5. What did you do with your feelings, thoughts, and reactions when they arose?
(Query: turning toward them, coping with them, distracting)
6. How would you describe your grieving/mourning process in the months/years
following your loss?
7. What was your attitude toward grieving your loss? (Query: resistance, acceptance,
views of grieving, etc.)
8. Are there any rituals, practices, or habits that you have to continue your
relationship with your person? (Query: rituals and remembrances, conversations,
legacy building, memory sharing, dreams, etc.)
9. Over the course of your grieving, have you ever intentionally/consciously taken time
to grieve? (Query: amount of time, setting, with others or in solitude, etc.)

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10. Have you changed as a result of grieving? How has your relationship to yourself and
others changed? Did you change in your closeness with others amidst your grieving?
If so, how? (Query: self-nurturance, relationships with others, familiarity with feelings,
etc.)
11. How has this loss and your journey through grief impacted you? (Query:
relationships, closeness to self, outlook on life, career trajectories, etc.)
This concludes our interview. Thank you for sharing your grieving process with me. What will
happen next in the study is that I will transcribe the interviews (put the interviews in written
form) and analyze them. Once this is completed, I will contact you to provide you with an
opportunity to hear the research results as they pertain to your own interview and give me
feedback. This may be a couple months from now.
I also want to ensure you once more, as written in the informed consent, that the audio recording
will be deleted once it has been transferred onto a password-protected computer. The transcripts
will be kept secure in a locked filing cabinet and the electronic versions will be encrypted.
Do you have any questions? (Give the participant compensation for their involvement, ensure
they have my contact information, and walk them out).

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196