STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE by MORGAN J. LOEWEN Bachelor of Arts (Hons), St. Stephen’s University, 2021 Thesis submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of MASTER OF ARTS IN COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY in the FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES TRINITY WESTERN UNIVERSITY September, 2024 © Morgan Loewen, 2024 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE THESIS COMMITTEE The following committee members attest to the successful completion of this thesis Chelsea Beyer, PhD Larissa Rossen, PhD Kendra Rieger, PhD, RN Thesis Advisor Degree Committee Member Degree Committee Member ii STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE iii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I am extremely grateful for all the academic support I received to complete this project. I want to thank Dr. Chelsea Beyer for her invaluable expertise and encouragement. Without her support, I could not have achieved this project with this much confidence and integrity. I want to thank Dr. Larissa Rossen for her support in the early iterations of the project to the final defense. I am also grateful for the final revisions and clarity that Dr. Kendra Rieger brought with her expertise in arts-based methods and qualitative research. I am also grateful to my cohort members within the CPSY Counselling Psychology program at TWU. Thanks to those within the thesis track who have provided feedback and encouragement, and my non-thesis track peers who provided unwavering kindness and validation through the many stressors of completing a thesis. I especially want to thank the participants in this project. Your body maps continued to carry and guide me throughout this project: the joys and the struggles. Hearing and seeing your stories have been an honour and a privilege. Your stories matter and deserve to be held in this healing journey after purity culture. Thank you for trusting me with your stories. Finally, I want to thank the people in my life who have provided the emotional and physical support required to complete this project. Thank you to my therapist, Daniele, for giving me the books that inspired me to study purity culture and embodiment. Thank you to my family, Team Loewen, who have loved, and supported me through every academic endeavour I have pursued. A huge thank you to my friends who have heard me talk about purity culture and embodiment and have provided the best thesis breaks I could have asked for. I also want to thank Good Kid Coffee for supplying the coffee and friendship I required to write page after page of this thesis in the café. I would not have had the audacity to complete a project like this without everyone’s unwavering belief in me and my abilities. I am so grateful for all of you. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE ABSTRACT Sexual embodiment encompasses living, experiencing, and perceiving the world, self, and relationships through the sexual body; societal messages either foster connection or disconnection to the sexual body and self. Disconnected sexual embodiment in people raised as girls is associated with negative sexual health outcomes such as sexual dysfunction, low sexual agency, and high sex guilt and shame. Purity culture’s messages are associated with these negative sexual health outcomes, yet its role in sexual embodiment is unexplored. This study asks, How do people raised as girls experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? Body mapping was utilized for embodied arts-based narrative engagement. Visual narrative analysis and thematic analysis of body maps revealed six main themes across five participants’ body maps: overwhelming emotions; confusion; protection of the sexual body; barriers to embodiment; desiring and attempting embodiment; and healing. These themes contribute to understanding people raised as girls’ experiences of sexual embodiment over time. Keywords: Sexual embodiment; purity culture; body mapping iv STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE v TABLE OF CONTENTS THESIS COMMITTEE .................................................................................................................. ii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ........................................................................................................... iii ABSTRACT................................................................................................................................... iv TABLE OF CONTENTS ................................................................................................................ v LIST OF FIGURES ....................................................................................................................... xi CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION ................................................................................................... 1 Personal Story ..................................................................................................................... 6 Rationale and Summary ...................................................................................................... 9 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW ...................................................................................... 10 Embodiment ...................................................................................................................... 10 Philosophical Foundations .................................................................................... 10 Contemporary Perspectives .................................................................................. 12 Sexual Embodiment .......................................................................................................... 16 Dimensions of Sexual Embodiment...................................................................... 17 Desire. ....................................................................................................... 17 Sexual Subjectivity.................................................................................... 19 Body Appreciation. ................................................................................... 21 Barriers to Sexual Embodiment ............................................................................ 22 Purity Culture .................................................................................................................... 24 Evangelical Context .............................................................................................. 24 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE vi Purity Culture Themes .......................................................................................... 29 Impact ................................................................................................................... 30 Sexual Illiteracy. ....................................................................................... 32 Sexual Scripts............................................................................................ 33 Sex Guilt and Shame................................................................................. 33 Sexual Dysfunction. .................................................................................. 34 Summary and Research Question ......................................................................... 35 CHAPTER 3: METHOD .............................................................................................................. 37 Research Paradigm............................................................................................................ 37 Ontological and Epistemological Position of This Study ..................................... 37 Feminist Approaches to Research ......................................................................... 37 Researcher Positionality.................................................................................................... 39 Method .............................................................................................................................. 41 Narrative Inquiry ................................................................................................... 42 Narrative Inquiry Rationale .................................................................................. 42 Body Mapping ...................................................................................................... 44 Body Mapping Rationale ...................................................................................... 45 Procedures ......................................................................................................................... 47 Participants............................................................................................................ 47 Screening Interview .............................................................................................. 48 Recruitment ........................................................................................................... 49 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE vii Pilot Study............................................................................................................. 49 Data Collection for Body mapping ....................................................................... 49 Researcher Role. ....................................................................................... 49 Data. .......................................................................................................... 50 Session Outlines. ....................................................................................... 50 Data Management ................................................................................................. 51 Ethical Considerations .......................................................................................... 51 Data Analysis ........................................................................................................ 53 Rigour and Quality............................................................................................................ 54 Comprehensiveness............................................................................................... 55 Coherence ............................................................................................................. 55 Verisimilitude ........................................................................................................ 55 Positionality .......................................................................................................... 56 Examining Difference and Contradictions............................................................ 56 Contextual Truths .................................................................................................. 56 Relationality .......................................................................................................... 57 Thick Descriptions ................................................................................................ 57 Summary ........................................................................................................................... 57 CHAPTER 4: RESULTS .............................................................................................................. 59 Claire ................................................................................................................................. 59 Narrative Overview ............................................................................................... 59 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE viii Body Map Key ...................................................................................................... 61 Bryce ................................................................................................................................. 64 Narrative Overview ............................................................................................... 64 Body Map Key ...................................................................................................... 66 Quinn................................................................................................................................. 69 Narrative Overview ............................................................................................... 69 Body Map Key ...................................................................................................... 71 Chris .................................................................................................................................. 75 Narrative Overview ............................................................................................... 75 Body Map Key ...................................................................................................... 77 Parker ................................................................................................................................ 82 Narrative Overview ............................................................................................... 82 Body Map Key ...................................................................................................... 84 Thematic Analysis............................................................................................................. 89 Impact of Purity Culture ....................................................................................... 89 Theme 1: Overwhelming Emotions. ......................................................... 90 Theme 2: Confusion.................................................................................. 93 Theme 3: Protection of the Sexual Body. ................................................. 96 Experience of Sexual Embodiment Today ............................................................ 99 Theme 4: Barriers to Embodiment. ........................................................... 99 Theme 5: Desiring and Attempting Embodiment. .................................. 101 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE ix Theme 6: Healing. ................................................................................... 104 Acceptance, Comfort, and Safety................................................ 105 Freedom, Choice, and Autonomy................................................ 107 Engagement with Goodness and Difficulties. .............................. 111 Summary of Themes ........................................................................................... 113 CHAPTER FIVE: DISCUSSION ............................................................................................... 114 Connections to Existing Literature ................................................................................. 114 Connections to the EE......................................................................................... 114 Connections to the DTE ...................................................................................... 117 Connections to Purity Culture............................................................................. 122 Novel Findings .................................................................................................... 125 Strengths and Limitations ............................................................................................... 128 Implications..................................................................................................................... 132 Implications for Counselling............................................................................... 132 Implications for Research ................................................................................... 135 Implications for the Evangelical Church ............................................................ 136 Implications for the Reader ................................................................................. 139 Conclusion ...................................................................................................................... 142 REFERENCES ........................................................................................................................... 144 APPENDIX A: Screening Interview Script ................................................................................ 161 APPENDIX B: Recruitment Poster ............................................................................................ 164 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE x APPENDIX C: Body mapping Space and Materials Requirements ........................................... 165 APPENDIX D: Session 1 Interview Protocol............................................................................. 167 APPENDIX E: Session 1 Body Mapping Protocol .................................................................... 169 APPENDIX F: Session 2 Interview Protocol ............................................................................. 177 APPENDIX G: Session 2 Body Mapping Protocol .................................................................... 179 APPENDIX H: Debriefing Script ............................................................................................... 186 APPENDIX I: Participant Consent Form ................................................................................... 187 APPENDIX J: Claire Additional Body Map Images .................................................................. 190 APPENDIX K: Bryce Additional Body Map Images ................................................................. 194 APPENDIX L: Quinn Additional Body Map Images ................................................................. 196 APPENDIX M: Chris Additional Body Map Images ................................................................. 198 APPENDIX N: Parker Additional Body Map Images ................................................................ 202 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE xi LIST OF FIGURES Figure 1 ........................................................................................................................................ 61 Figure 2 ........................................................................................................................................ 66 Figure 3 ........................................................................................................................................ 71 Figure 4 ........................................................................................................................................ 77 Figure 5 ........................................................................................................................................ 84 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 1 CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION Sexual health and well-being are essential to overall well-being and human love, connection, and meaning-making (Byers & Rehman, 2014; George et al., 2014). Sexual health encompasses more than just biological health and the absence of sexual disease or dysfunction; it also includes emotional, somatic, cognitive, and relational aspects of being a sexual being (Byers & Rehman, 2014). Past research in the field of sexual health has focused mainly on negative definitions of sexual health, such as avoiding sexual risks, and danger. Current research suggests that exploring positive sexual health goals, like sexual satisfaction, sexual self-esteem, and pleasure, benefits overall sexual health and well-being, including physical and mental health (Anderson, 2013). Barriers to sexual health, whether biological, emotional, or relational, are therefore relevant and worth examining within the field of counselling psychology due to their broader impact on general health and well-being. One way of examining various facets of sexual health and well-being is through the lens of sexual embodiment. Sexual embodiment is a multidimensional construct and is relevant for exploring cultural barriers to sexual health and well-being. Sexual embodiment is how the self makes sense of and experiences sexually-related thoughts, feelings, and sensations as well as the resulting awareness of, interpreting, and meaning-making of these experiences from the location of the body (Tolman et al., 2014). It is relevant to unpacking the ways in which experiences within the sexual body and self are constructed and reconstructed within social contexts: We are always embodied in a social context, which profoundly affects both how we see our own and others’ bodies and how we experience our actual embodiment. When we engage in sex with another person, it is not two abstract bodies that meet in some extrasocial space, but embodied social beings who interact in a social context, bringing with STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 2 them a good deal of cultural and biographical baggage deriving from their specific social locations and histories. (Jackson & Scott, 2002, p. 102) Sexual embodiment highlights important facets of the socially constructed sexual body and specifically how social norms and histories regulate bodies. In turn, these norms become embodied (Tolman et al., 2014). Sexual embodiment accounts for how the self experiences and makes sense of the sexual self in a sexual body individually as well as examines the impact of societal contexts on the sexual self and body. Previous studies employing sexual embodiment as a construct have been able to critically understand the culturally relevant barriers to sexual health (Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019; Tolman et al., 2014; Ussher et al., 2017). For example, Ussher et al. (2017) found that sexual embodiment was critical to understanding how migrant women from diverse racial, social class, and cultural backgrounds experience sex and their sexual bodies. In acknowledging the discursive relationship between women’s sexual bodies and cultural discourses around sex and sexuality, deeper insights into sexual health goals and culture-bound barriers were found, such as shame, constructions of menarche and menstruation, virginity, sexual pain, and consent (Ussher et al., 2017). In Ussher and colleague’s (2017) study, the construct of sexual embodiment was crucial for understanding migrant women’s subjective experiences of sexuality so that culturally relevant information could be provided to facilitate sexual well-being and agency. Sexual embodiment is, therefore, useful for understanding cultural barriers to sexual health. In the pursuit of sexual health and well-being goals, the present study sought to use sexual embodiment to highlight the often overlooked cultural elements and barriers to sexual health and well-being. Specifically, this study used sexual embodiment to examine the impact of Evangelical Christian purity culture on women’s sexual health. Current research on purity STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 3 culture highlights how purity culture messages and norms have negatively impacted women’s sexual health outcomes, warranting a deeper exploration its cultural structures and mores through the lens of sexual embodiment. Essentially, Evangelical Christian purity culture messaging and practices preach strict adherence to abstinence-only before marriage and heterosexual, monogamous expressions of sexuality (Estrada, 2022; Fahs, 2010; Klein, 2019; Klement et al., 2022; McBride, 2021; Natarajan et al., 2022). These messages prescribe rigid gender roles that claim men's minds are untrustworthy and that women's bodies should not be trusted (Estrada, 2022; McBride, 2021). Under purity culture, women are expected to be the gatekeepers of men's sexual desires and are solely responsible for individual purity and the purity of the men around them. These sexual and gender scripts provide the foundations for all other purity culture messages, experiences, or rituals. People who grew up within purity culture have a range of experiences and exposure to its messages (Klein, 2019). This includes exposure to abstinence-only-until-marriage (AOUM) sex education (Fahs, 2010; Latour, 2020; Paik et al., 2016), taking purity pledges (Fahs, 2010; Klein, 2019; Paik et al., 2016), or even hearing sermons where one’s purity and virginity are compared to things such as a chewed-up piece of gum after premarital sex (Gish, 2018; Klein, 2019). Some adherents literally buy into purity culture messages through purchasing purity rings, books on purity culture, or even attending purity culture conferences (Fahs, 2010; Klein, 2019; Latour, 2020). For others, purity culture means wearing modest clothing and maintaining sexually pure thoughts (Klein, 2019; Tensi, 2018; VanderHeide, 2023). Straying from purity culture ideals within evangelical communities has severe relational and moral ramifications (Estrada, 2022; Fahs, 2010; Klein, 2019; Klement et al., 2022; McBride, 2021; Natarajan et al., 2022). The range STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 4 of experiences for those raised within purity culture both in terms of adherence to its norms and resulting ramifications is wide and varied. Various aspects of purity culture have been shown to negatively impact women’s sexual health and well-being. Current purity culture research specifically examines the negative impact of gender and sexual scripts on sexual health outcomes such as sexual illiteracy and risk behaviours or sexual self-esteem (Estrada, 2022). Many people who grew up in evangelical churches are now sexually illiterate due to the inaccurate, incomplete, or absent sexual education they received (Sellers, 2017). Additionally, studies investigating the impact of AOUM sex education promoted in purity culture have found that individuals who received AOUM sex education were associated with increased risky sexual behaviour (Paik et al., 2016; Santelli et al., 2017). Other literature on sexual conservatism and associated beliefs within purity culture suggests links to increased self-objectification and decreased sexual self-esteem (Smith, 2022). This is often due to women’s exposure to the sexual objectification of themselves or peers within purity culture experiences. Other areas of women’s sexual health and well-being beyond sexual illiteracy and sexual objectification are later explored within the literature review. The impact and prevalence of Evangelical Christianity as it relates to purity culture cannot be overstated. While the height of purity culture appears to be over, the presence of Evangelical Christianity and purity values still appears to be strong, especially within political spheres (Du Mez, 2020). However, evangelical perspectives on long-held beliefs related to issues of sex and gender are slowly changing. A recent survey by Pew Research Center (2015) found that half of evangelicals born after 1964 are in favour of gay marriage. Another survey by Life Research (2021), an evangelical research firm, found that most Protestant Evangelical pastors are open to possibility of women having a lead role within church leadership. However, these STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 5 individual beliefs do not appear to be changing at the level of institutional reform (The Washington Post, 2017), or deconversion rates (Pew Research Center, 2022). Theologically, larger numbers of Americans are leaving Evangelical Christianity as a religion (Colwell & Johnson, 2020; Herrmann, 2021; Klein, 2019; Pew Research Center, 2022; Vanderpool, 2021), which some have supposed is due to Evangelical Christianity’s faith and structures failing to become more aligned on social justice issues such as LGBTQIA2S+ and gender equality (Herrmann, 2021; Vanderpool, 2021). Even so, the number of people participating in or impacted by Evangelical Christianity, and therefore purity culture, remains high and is worth examining. The existing literature on purity culture lacks a unifying perspective for conceptualizing purity culture. According to sex educator and therapist Tina Shermer Sellers (2017), what is missing within the scholarly literature on purity culture is a ‘holistic’ examination of purity culture’s impact across multiple sexual health outcomes. Within this thesis, ‘holistic’ has been used to describe a unifying perspective of purity culture in all its parts, messages, and norms. Although previous research has focused on specific elements of purity culture in relation to sexual health (e.g., impact of AOUM sex education, sexual literacy, etc.), understanding the holistic impact of purity culture on sexual health and well-being is also necessary. This is not to say that a holistic or unifying perspective does not exist. Comprehensive definitions and accounts of purity culture’s impact on women’s sexual health and well-being have been described in multiple personal and clinical accounts (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019; Sellers, 2017). Purity culture represented more than just isolated parts; it was a way of living and being in the body. However, existing literature has yet to capture these lived experiences. In the following section, the researcher’s personal story is used to illustrate a unifying perspective of STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 6 purity culture, highlighting the need for sexual embodiment to support and strengthen the rationale for this research. Personal Story Growing up within Evangelical Christianity had a significant impact on my life. The Bible was central in my life and community; the Bible was the final authority on how I came to understand God and Jesus, myself, and the world around me. Evangelical Christianity permeated my family life as well. I remember feeling privileged to be born into such a strong Christian family that I could trust to guide me. I loved being a Christian; I was happy and held within these spaces. In middle school, purity culture beliefs became more explicit, urging us young girls to view our bodies as temples and to practice modesty. Our married youth pastor would lament his early years when he strayed from God and had premarital sex. He talked about the goodness of God and how, through repentance, he was rewarded with a God-honouring relationship to his “smoking hot wife.” His wife had premarital sex too, and even then, I picked up on the subtle differences: it was more acceptable for a man to have premarital sex than a woman. I lived with an immense fear that I would have sex before marriage—I knew that, if I did, it would be all my fault, especially based on how I had heard others talk about “fallen women.” Premarital sex would damage my relationship with my community and, most importantly, with God. All I remember from my early adolescent years regarding sex are nightmares about pregnancy, rejection, and not finding my way home to community. Pleasure and desire reminded me of how close I was to temptation and, therefore, to hell. My solution was to numb myself to desire: it seemed safer to disconnect from my body to avoid temptation. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 7 I had been taught throughout my church experiences (in various denominations) that my faith was based on a personal relationship with God. However, within Christian circles, other Christians judge you to be a Christian based on how you speak, act, and look, especially in relation to your body. For example, women with thin and modest bodies were those who viewed their body as a temple because they ate well, exercised, and were waiting for marriage to have sex. “Good” Christian women, and therefore young girls, could “perform” Christianity without their sinful humanity (their bodies) getting in the way. After graduating high school, I silently and slowly started deconstructing my faith. I began taking apart the ideas about the Bible and God that I had been taught was absolute truth within Evangelical Christianity. I unlearned my incomplete abstinence-only sex education and had learned a more comprehensive sex education. In doing so, I realized I did not believe the same ideas about sex and purity. Thinking that these new ideas about sex would translate into how I experienced my then numb body, I tried to masturbate. However, such attempts were detached and painful. I felt defeated. I wished I could overcome my body and be the sexual person that I knew I could be. The replacement of old ideas with new ones did not replace or change my experience of my body. At this time, I was still having nightmares about pregnancy. Something still was not fitting. What I was not aware of was that I had started another kind of unlearning. I started seeing a new therapist halfway through my undergraduate studies and although other therapists had focused more on talking through my problems, this therapist was different. Prior to our work together, I had spent years thinking that emotions would overwhelm me. Through her gentle guidance, I slowly learned that my body could move through uncomfortable experiences. It was STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 8 only when I started to apply this slower, gentler, and more relational way of experiencing my body to my faith that I started to notice a difference. I began to see and feel the ways in which I had internalized my theology, the ways in which I had embodied Evangelical Christianity and purity culture. While I had reevaluated certain theologies and beliefs, I could feel how my body still knew, at its core, that I was “sinful” and “worthless.” My fear of hell motivated the kind of relationship that I had with my body. My body was something to be controlled and suppressed at all costs because I believed that, at my core, I was sinful. Mentally, I had dismantled rules around my sinful nature, modesty, and abstinence-only. However, my body knew deep within me that it was still not good. Before I could even think about experiencing pleasure, my body would suppress pleasure and desire. There were still parts within my body that believed that desire would overwhelm and take over my body, away from goodness, and away from God. I began to see how these beliefs had been placed there during my childhood without my knowing. It took a long time to unlearn what my body remembered about sex and purity: terrified of pregnancy and hell, and ashamed of myself, and my messy sexual body. One day, the pregnancy nightmares that had dominated my adolescence stopped. I realized that I had begun a different process outside of the mental deconstruction process I was used to. I noticed how fear tensed my body or how I recoiled with disgust at anything surrounding sex or sexuality. I was not trying to “turn on” or overcome my sexual self. I was no longer trying to overcome my body. I felt shame rise whenever I approached pleasure. I noticed, I listened, and I waited. Slowly, my sexual self, who had been terrified of my body, sex, and pleasure, emerged softly. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 9 Rationale and Summary Throughout this introduction, the importance of examining and addressing barriers to sexual health and well-being has been described. Specifically, a rationale for sexual embodiment was provided. Sexual embodiment is a crucial construct to capture experiences related to being a sexual body and sexual self within cultural and relational contexts. Purity culture has been shown to have a negative impact on women’s sexual health and well-being and while many women have spoken to its widespread impact on their bodies and well-being, existing literature has yet to reflect this unifying perspective. In this study, sexual embodiment provides a unifying perspective of the impact of purity culture on women’s bodies. The question guiding this study is: How do people who were raised as girls experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 10 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW In the following chapter, sexual embodiment is situated within the context of the psychological construct of embodiment. Embodiment theories are reviewed, including grounding philosophical concepts, social theories of embodiment, and the work of Niva Piran (2017, 2012). Niva Piran’s work is highlighted to define positive and negative experiences of embodiment and illustrate how sociocultural context influences these experiences. These embodiment theories provide the foundation for sexual embodiment, including the ways it is experienced, encouraged, and disrupted. Finally, purity culture is defined within the historical and cultural context of Evangelical Christianity and the impact of purity culture on sexual health is explored. Embodiment Sexual embodiment is rooted in the broader psychological construct of embodiment. There are multiple frameworks for defining embodiment and much of embodiment within scholarly research is still being expanded. For the purposes of this study, embodiment is defined as the living, experiencing, and perceiving of the world, self, and relationships through the location of the body (Piran, 2017; Tolman et al., 2014). However, contemporary embodiment theories rely on previous philosophical works such as the work from Husserl (1900/2001), Heidegger (1949/2008), Sartre (1943/1993), and Merleau-Ponty (1945/2012). In the following section, embodiment as defined by these philosophers is investigated in order to better understand contemporary perspectives on embodiment. Philosophical Foundations Prior to Husserl (1900/2001), Heidegger (1949/2008), Sartre (1943/1993), and MerleauPonty’s (1945/2012), most Western philosophical perspectives were rooted in Cartesian dualism. A Cartesian dualistic view posits a dichotomy between the mind (knowledge and consciousness) STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 11 as a separate entity from the body (sensing, perceiving, and material). The body is a passive object in the objective world, and the mind is prioritized and as true or objective knowledge. The philosophers previously listed challenged Cartesian mind-body dualism in various ways. German philosopher and founder of phenomenology, Edmund Husserl (1900/2001), focused on the body as the center for subjective experiencing. He described the body as a lived body (Leib) and similar to how one might view any object (e.g. trees, tables, water) rather than viewing it as a purely physical body (Körper; Husserl, 1900/2001). Husserl challenged Cartesian dualism by centering the body as a living site for experiencing. After Husserl, Martin Heidegger (1949/2008), established a phenomenological ontology. In his work Existence and Being (1949/2008), he poses being (Dasein) as the starting point of philosophy rather than consciousness. In emphasizing Dasein, Heidegger centers that which is temporal and being-in-the-world (1949/2008). Contemporary definitions of embodiment are founded in Heidegger’s articulation of a temporal existence and being-in-the-world. Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (1943/1993) followed Husserl and Heidegger and expanded the definition of the self. In his work Being and Nothingness, Sartre critiques the mind/body split by examining the dichotomy of for-itself (pour-soi), that which is concrete and unaware of itself, and in-itself (en soi), that which is conscious and aware of itself. The body pour-soi (for-itself) is what engages with the world and is conscious (Sartre, 1943/1993). The complexity of this definition is that both body pour-soi and en-soi influence and interplay with how bodies engage in the physical world both as objects and sites of being (Sartre, 1943/1993). Sartre’s contribution to embodiment added a crucial nuance to how bodies are entangled within the self and world. Sartre’s contemporary, Maurice Jean Jacques Merleau-Ponty (1945/2012), defined embodiment in a way that is more aligned with contemporary definitions of embodiment. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 12 Merleau-Ponty (1945/2012) was a French philosopher and his work, Phenomenology of Perception (1945/2012), emphasized the importance of the body, or perception. The primary critique within his work is of Cartesian dualism, arguing that both mind and body are relationally connected to one another. He viewed the body as actively engaged in the world in the intermingling of the subjective and objective. In this view the body is both objective and subjective (i.e. body-object and body-subject) and is involved in a dynamic interaction with the world around (Allan, 2005; Merleau-Ponty, 1945/2012). He stressed the importance of sociocultural factors in constructing the body’s perceptions and meanings: the body is inseparable from its being in the world due to its connectedness and experiencing of the world. In doing so, bodies both reveal and create cultural schemas and practices. Contemporary Perspectives The works of the aforementioned philosophers laid the groundwork for contemporary embodiment theorists to expand and further develop concepts of embodiment and the experiences of perception and culture from a psychological lens, mainly the mind-body connection. Within the field of psychology, embodiment has yet to be unanimously defined, and the literature varies with regard to what is or is not embodiment (Wilde, 1999). Tolman et al. (2014) describes embodiment as a two-fold phenomenon: “being embodied and embodying the social.” For this thesis, it is helpful to understand the importance and differences between the two. Being embodied relates to the cognitive sense and awareness of being in a body as well as that which the self is aware of within the body (i.e. the kinesthetic, sensory, affective, and emotional; Tolman et al., 2014). Embodying the social is how the self, through the location of the body, internalizes and enacts cultural and historical norms, thus embodying cultural and historical norms (Bartky, 2020). This process is highly relational and happens at a conscious or STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 13 unconscious level: We develop our embodied sense of self through others and the social contexts we are immersed in (Tolman et al., 2014). This study is guided by the definitions of being embodied and embodying the social and defines embodiment as “living, experiencing, sensing in and through one’s body, and being (in simple terms) connected with one’s body and through one’s body to oneself and to others in relational contexts”(Tolman et al., 2014, p. 765). This study also relies on the work of Niva Piran and collaborator’s (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012) development of embodiment as a psychological construct. Their work is relevant to this study because it highlights how embodiment is experienced, as well as what social factors facilitate or disrupt embodiment. Niva Piran and collaborators (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012) conducted a mixedmethods research program examining embodied experiences of girls and women and the social factors that influenced these experiences. The research program consisted of sequential mixedmethods studies using a constructivist grounded theory approach. Three qualitative studies were conducted over two decades. The first was a five-year prospective study of 27 girls aged 9-14. The second study involved interviews of 11 women aged 20-27 years old. The third study involved conducting interviews with 31 women aged 50-68, both using a life-history methodology (Piran, 2016, 2017). The study's first goal was to identify and highlight key dimensions and experiences of girls’ and women’s embodiment. This construct was called the Experience of Embodiment (EE). The second goal was to develop a social theory of how social experiences shape girls’ and women’s experiences of embodiment across the lifespan, called the Developmental Theory of Embodiment (DTE; Piran, 2017). The EE construct describes the quality of embodied experiences across five dimensions. These five dimensions are: (a) body connection and comfort; (b) agency and functionality; (c) STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 14 experience and expression of desire; (d) attuned self-care; and (e) resisting objectification(Piran, 2017, 2019). Positive embodied experiences within each dimension are generally characterized by feeling “at home” in the body through joyful engagement, voice, resisting objectification, expressing desire, and providing care for the body in attuned ways. Disrupted embodiment in each dimension is marked by restricting or controlling the body: body-monitoring, silencing of voice, restricted engagement, and diminished desire and care for the body (Piran, 2017, 2019). These qualities of positive embodied experiences are crucial to understanding what it means and is like to be embodied. Embodiment is positively or negatively shaped by various social experiences across the lifespan, which is relevant for answering how purity culture experiences impact sexual embodiment over time. The DTE provides a “critical look at social structures and mores” (Piran, 2017, p. 15) to highlight life experiences that facilitate connection with or disconnection from the body. The DTE describes these disruptive or protective social experiences according to three domains: physical, mental, or social power domains (Piran & Teall, 2012; Teall, 2015). The DTE highlights protective and risk factors within social experiences and showcases how social experiences shape the quality of embodied experiences over time (Piran & Teall, 2012; Teall, 2015). The freedom to engage and move within the world safely, free of prejudice or violations, whether physical, mental, or social, are protective and shape positive embodiment, and restricting this freedom contributes to disrupted embodiment. Although the literature regarding EE and the DTE focuses on girls’ and women’s experiences, embodiment applies to all human beings; everyone experiences cultural forces that facilitate or disrupt experience of embodiment (Piran & Teall, 2012). However, girls and women are disproportionally subjected to social experiences associated with disrupting experience of STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 15 embodiment than men (Piran, 2017, 2020; Piran & Teall, 2012). Girls are not born with disrupted embodiment. However, as highlighted by the DTE, girls are exposed to more social experiences that disrupt embodiment, especially during puberty. Piran (2017, 2020) refers to puberty as the “crisis of adolescence” because of the crucial role it plays in girls’ embodiment. Girls who experienced more positive embodiment during childhood are often confronted with social experiences in puberty that discourage embodied connection such as focusing on how the body looks, sexual objectification, and increased negative relational experiences surrounding the body (Piran, 2017, 2020). This is why this present study examines the impact of sexual embodiment on people who were raised as girls during puberty in order to capture this “crisis of adolescence.” One of the most prevalent social messages and experiences that young girls are exposed to, beginning in puberty, is objectification. This is relevant to the study as it captures a specific social message that disrupts embodiment later relevant for understanding sexual embodiment. Objectification theory posits that women and girl’s bodies are always being gazed upon and have the potential to be sexually objectified (Fredrickson & Roberts, 1997). In the DTE, this is seen through girl’s direct or indirect exposure to sexualization through media. Increased objectification from an external gaze then leads many girls and women to internalize this gaze, self-objectification (Fredrickson & Roberts, 1997; Piran, 2017). A study examining the impact of objectification found that exposure to objectifying experiences, whether direct or indirect, lead to internalized beauty standards and increases in body monitoring (Koval et al., 2019). In Moradi and Huang’s (2008) review, self-objectification was linked to five main outcomes: increased body-shame and appearance-related anxiety, reduced flow experiences, decreased internal body awareness and task performance (Moradi & Huang, 2008). In Piran and collaborators study (Piran, 2017, 2020; Piran & Teall, 2012), they found that this self-objectification often begins STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 16 during puberty when girls, whose bodies were once viewed as strong and capable, are viewed as docile and sexual. The objectification of girls’ and women’s bodies therefore has the potential to disrupt embodiment, indicating that sexual objectification of women’s bodies is relevant for understanding their sexual embodiment. In summary, the construct of EE illustrates how embodiment exists along a continuum ranging from positive to disrupted embodied experiences. It is characterized by five dimensions including body connection and comfort, agency and functionality, the experience and expression of desire, attuned self-care, and resisting objectification (Piran, 2016, 2017). The DTE describes how social experiences across physical, mental, and social power domains encourage freedom, safety, empowerment, and expression that facilitates positive experiences of embodiment. Contrastingly, social experiences with restricted freedom and lack of safety across physical, mental, and social power domains contribute to disrupted experiences of embodiment (Piran, 2017, 2020; Piran & Teall, 2012). Girls during and after puberty are at a higher risk of developing disrupted or negative embodiment due to the restrictive messages regarding their bodies and experiences of objectification (Piran, 2017, 2020). It is for this reason that this study examines sexual embodiment for people raised as girls. Sexual Embodiment Now that the construct of embodiment has been reviewed within philosophical and contemporary psychological contexts, sexual embodiment is defined in the following section. For this thesis, the term sexual embodiment describes the specific ways in which being in a sexual body is experienced and is impacted by social experiences. Sexual embodiment is how the sexual self experiences, senses, and perceives their sexual body located within their specific context and culture (Tolman et al., 2014; Ussher et al., 2017). In this way, sexual embodiment STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 17 has the potential to reveal relevant cultural barriers to sexual health and well-being (Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019; Tolman et al., 2014; Ussher et al., 2017). In the following section, the existing literature on sexual embodiment is reviewed, focusing on how experiences of sexual embodiment influence sexual health and well-being. Specific dimensions of sexual embodiment are synthesized, namely desire, sexual subjectivity, and body appreciation. Specific barriers to sexual embodiment are also discussed, including objectification theory and performance. Dimensions of Sexual Embodiment Desire. Desire is a crucial element of sexual embodiment because it relates to developing one’s sense of self and the ability to know one’s body and make choices in relation to this knowing, rather than just being object purely for sexual consumption (Debold et al., 1993; Tolman, 2002). One of the most notable researchers on desire and sexual embodiment is Deborah Tolman (Tolman, 1994, 2000, 2002; Tolman et al., 2015; Tolman et al., 2014; Tolman & Szalacha, 1999). Her work focuses on adolescent girls’ sexuality, specifically desire. Her original study of 30 young teenage girls between the ages of 15 to 18 explored how girls described and experienced sexual desire using a feminist narrative analytic approach called Listening Guide(Gilligan et al., 2003). Her compilation of stories highlights the patriarchal forces that restrict young girls’ desire (Tolman, 2002). Her book Dilemmas of Desire (2002) compiles these young girls stories as well as insights from her previous studies that led to these insights as explored below. In her book, Tolman (2002) describes how she expected her study to yield insights into the secret lives of young girls’ sexuality. Instead, she discovered “dilemmas of desire” that highlighted the complicated social discourses that restrict such expression or exploration of desire: STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 18 Societal constructions of female and male sexuality set up for girls, a choice between their sexual feelings or their safety, was experienced as a personal dilemma by them...if a girl has desire, she is vulnerable to personal physical, social, material or relational consequences. (Tolman, 2002, pp. 46–47) The girls in her study described different consequences if they were to access and express desire: unwanted pregnancy, rape and being at fault, guilt, losing control, and being labelled a “slut” or “promiscuous” (2002). Tolman’s work highlights how societal messages impact young girls’ ability to experience sexual desire. The development of desire is also influenced by the context in which it is developed. Tolman’s study with Szalacha (1999) found that girls made sense of their desire depending on social location. The researchers utilized three analytic approaches to explore young girls’ experiences of desire: through voice, differences in how urban and suburban location, as well as assessing how sexual violation impacted desire. They found that girls with greater access to financial and relationship support lessened the risks associated with sexual exploration. Alternatively, those exposed to violence did not experience desire as pleasurable (Tolman & Szalacha, 1999). As a result, the context in which desire develops matters as it impacts how young girls experience their sexual self. Finally, social messages surrounding desire impact young girls and their ability to connect freely with their sexuality. In another study, Tolman (1994) examined how young girls “do desire” across sexual orientations in which themes of joy, fear, pleasure and danger were woven throughout their stories. These findings indicate that desire is complex, and many girls pick up on the cultural messages about desire as early as during adolescence(Tolman, 1994). Tolman’s research is relevant to the present study because it reveals the ways in which social STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 19 factors influence young girls’ ability to experience positive embodied connections, specifically desire. Sexual Subjectivity. Sexual subjectivity is crucial to sexual embodiment as it emphasizes how the sexual body is understood as an integral part of the self and a sexual being rather than an object (Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019; Ussher et al., 2017; Zimmer-Gembeck & French, 2016). Similar to sexual embodiment, the sexual self develops over time and in action across multiple relational and cultural experiences (Bryant & Schofield, 2007). Characteristics of sexual subjectivity include sexual body esteem, entitlement to sexual desire and experiences of pleasure (both from oneself and from one’s partner) as well as sexual self-reflection (Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019; Ussher et al., 2017). In sexual subjectivity, the sexual self is experienced as agentic, and the sexual body a safe and pleasurable site to inhabit. Sexual subjectivity exists across genders; however, women are less likely than men to experience higher levels of sexual subjectivity. One study by Zimmer-Gembeck and French (2016) found that women had lower scores in sexual subjectivity, which correlated with lower scores in entitlement to self-pleasure and self-efficacy in achieving this pleasure compared to men. Their study underscores the importance of sexual subjectivity across genders and illustrates the ways in which women are less likely to experience positive embodied connections, as reflected in characteristics of sexual subjectivity, such as self-pleasure and self-efficacy in pleasure. Further, this study found that women had higher levels of entitlement to pleasure from their partners than men. Although not the focus of the study, the researchers suggested that this may be due to a lack of experiencing pleasure with sexual partners, and therefore leading to an increased sense of entitlement to this kind of pleasure (Zimmer-Gembeck & French, 2016). STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 20 Sexual subjectivity is a crucial aspect of sexual embodiment because it enables the agentic self to be entitled to and experience pleasure within the body. Elements of experience and entitlement to pleasure are closely interrelated to sexual attunement, which is the ability to notice and be mindful of the desires and needs within the body (Beyer, 2023; Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019). Beyer’s (2023) narrative exploration of women’s experiences of embodiment and sexual satisfaction described how an important element of sexual satisfaction related to women’s ability to inhabit their bodies in mindful and attuned ways, which facilitated greater positive sexual experiences. These findings align with previously defined characteristics of positive embodied experiences from Piran’s (2016, 2017, 2019) EE, attuned self-care. The attunement to the body and self is crucial to sexual subjectivity because it enables a connection to the self, from which entitlement to pleasure and desires can be attuned to and advocated for. How women develop and attune to sexual subjectivity is crucial to sexual embodiment, as it reflects positive embodied connections to the sexual self and therefore sexual body. These positive or negative connections with the sexual self have implications on sexual health. Increased sexual subjectivity has been linked to increased abilities to experience of pleasure (Bond et al., 2020) and entitlement to pleasure (Zimmer-Gembeck & French, 2016). Additionally, sexual subjectivity is crucial to achieving sexual agency (Tolman, 2002) which has been found to be crucial to express sexual desire (Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019). The development of women’s sexual subjectivity matters as it directly relates to experiences of pleasure, sexual agency, and expression of desire. Barriers to sexual subjectivity are therefore worth examining. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 21 Body Appreciation. One final aspect related to sexual embodiment is body appreciation. Body appreciation reveals how women relate to their bodies and plays a crucial role in influencing positive sexual health related outcomes. The ability to communicate about sex is of particular importance because increased communication reduces the risk of negative sexual health consequences (e.g. unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections; Ramseyer Winter et al., 2018). One study examining the correlations between body appreciation and comfort in communicating about sex found that college women who had higher body appreciation scores was correlated with higher scores surrounding comfort communicating about sex (Ramseyer Winter et al., 2018). Relatedly, Chmielewski et al.’s (2020) study examined how embodiment, sexual desire, and entitlement to sexual pleasure impacted sexual agency and pleasure. For both Black and White populations, increased embodiment was linked to comfort with sexual desire. Desire was then associated with entitlement to sexual pleasure and agency (Chmielewski et al., 2020). Overall, body appreciation plays an important role within sexual embodiment and is associated with increased communication about sex, entitlement to pleasure, and sexual agency. An extension of body appreciation is positive genital self-image, which has been associated with greater sexual health outcomes. Herbenick et al.’s (2011) study found that female genital self-image was significantly associated with sexual functioning and other relevant sexual health goals, like seeking regular gynecological exams (Herbenick et al., 2011). Their findings “suggest that women’s feelings and beliefs influence their experiences of, among other factors, sexual arousal, desire, or orgasm” (Herbenick et al., 2011). This is further supported by Satinsky et al.’s (2012) study that found that higher levels of body appreciation were linked to higher levels of sexual functioning, specifically around arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction (Satinsky et al., STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 22 2012). Body appreciation is therefore an important aspect of sexual embodiment as it highlights the interconnection between communication, self-perception, and positive sexual experiences and the example of positive genital self-image highlights its importance for sexual functioning. Barriers to Sexual Embodiment In the following section, barriers to sexual embodiment are explored. The first barrier to sexual embodiment is the sexual objectification of women as articulated by Frederickson and Roberts (1997) objectification theory. Objectification negatively impacts women’s and girls’ sexual embodiment in areas such as attunement, pleasure, and functioning are explored below. Exemplifying the relationship between objectification and disruptions to sexual embodiment, objectification was listed within Tolman’s study (2002) as an important societal barrier to young girls’ ability to access and express desire. Many young girls are anxious about being sexualized in unwanted contexts (e.g., being blamed for rape) or having their sexual expression villainized (e.g., being called a “slut”; Tolman, 2005). When girls are objectified, they are viewed as sexual objects instead of sexual subjects, restricting their ability to access sexual subjectivity. Building on the disruption to the sexual self and the previously stated importance of attunement, disruptions to the sexual self pose as barriers to experiences of attuned self-care and self-pleasure characteristic of an embodied and agentic being. Higher levels of selfobjectification and body surveillance lead to decreased attention toward internal body states required for attunement and therefore attuned self-care (Fredrickson & Roberts, 1997; Piran, 2017; Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019). Additionally, decreased awareness and attunement to the body has been found to increase body shame and anxiety (Brotto & Smith, 2014; Claudat & Warren, 2014; Fahs et al., 2018; Reis et al., 2021; Sanchez & Kiefer, 2007). In turn, body STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 23 surveillance and shame disrupt the attention and awareness of sexual pleasure (Sanchez & Kiefer, 2007). Objectification disrupts positive connection to the sexual body and self by replacing sexual attunement with body surveillance. Surveillance impacts women’s ability to experience sexual pleasure and engage in attuned self-care, free from shame. Objectification also negatively impacts sexual functioning, especially through the conflation of sexual functioning with genital image. Recent cultural norms promote the idea that women should physically alter their genitals to look more appealing or “feminine” (Braun, 2010). An example of this is labiaplasty, the changing of appearance of the labia through surgery. This is due to certain labia not looking “feminine” enough (Braun, 2010). In Braun’s (2005) article on female genital “cosmetic” surgery (FGCS) she articulates how many women are promised better sexual functioning, mainly pleasure and orgasm, through FGCS for their “unsexy” or “abnormal” labia. Reported factors that lead to surgery were emotional, mainly “embarrassment, lack of confidence, and shame” (p. 411) of their labia when engaging in sex, impeding their ability to experience sexual functioning goals such as orgasmv(Braun, 2005). Further, in a retrospective qualitative study on women who had undergone labiaplasty surgery, many reported receiving surgery to make their labia look “normal” and expected their sex lives to improve after surgery, but were disappointed (Bramwell et al., 2007; Braun, 2005). Sexual functioning and labia appearance are not related; the pressures from media objectify women’s labia and conflate the “unfeminine” labia with sexual functioning. In objectifying labia as either “normal” or “sexy” women are encouraged to conflate genital appearance with sexual functioning, rather than the emotional components. Sexual embodiment reveals the ways in which women are influenced by social and cultural norms surrounding sex and sexuality. Desire, sexual subjectivity, and body appreciation STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 24 are characteristics of sexual embodiment and are crucial to experiencing sexual health goals such as attunement, pleasure, and functioning. In contrast, barriers to sexual embodiment, as seen through social expectations surrounding what constitutes “normal” sexual bodies or functioning, promote the objectification of women’s bodies. In doing so, women feel pressured to alter their sexual bodies (e.g. labiaplasty) to meet these societal norms. The construct of sexual embodiment is a critical construct for fostering an understanding of how the sexual self is experienced within their specific social and relational contexts through the location of the body. Purity Culture As described within the previous section, sexual embodiment encompasses experiences related to being a sexual body as well how the sexual self is influenced by cultural messages about sexual bodies. In the following section, purity culture is defined within the context of Evangelical Christianity, problematized, and the impact of purity culture on sexual health is explored. Sexual health outcomes are then discussed in relation to sexual embodiment before turning to the proposed research. Evangelical Context Evangelical Christianity, or Evangelicalism, dates back to the Protestant Reformation and early denominational iterations in the 18th century within the American colonies (Hankins, 2008). Today, definitions and applications of Evangelical Christianity can be vague. Since the 18th century, it has evolved into a religious culture extending beyond Christian denominational labels and includes other denominations like Baptists, Mennonites, Assemblies of God, or Dutch Reformed (Hankins, 2008; Klein, 2019). Further, while Evangelical Christian beliefs are commonly found within Protestant denominations (especially those from Baptist denominations), the cultural influence of evangelical beliefs still permeates across Western Christianity, STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 25 influencing Protestant and Catholic churches (Hankins, 2008). As a result, experiences within Evangelical Christianity vary across Western Christianity in terms of theologies, practices, and norms. Individual Christians or denominations influenced by Evangelical Christianity do not always self-label as evangelical though, in spite of its cultural influences (Bean, 2014; Hankins, 2008). As such, the differences between those who identify as Christian and those who selfidentity as Evangelical Christians can be challenging (Bean, 2014; Hankins, 2008; Klein, 2019). Within this thesis, similarities across Evangelical Christianity are defined within three dimensions: theological beliefs, connections to political identity, and the adherence to mind-body dualistic beliefs. Regarding theology, core evangelical theologies uphold the Bible as the inerrant (without error) authority to live out “Biblical living.” Following this is a personal relationship with Christ, the recognition of one’s need for a saviour to atone for sins, and finally sharing this “good news” with the world (Du Mez, 2020; Hankins, 2008). However, Evangelicalism’s “operational theology”, that is how theology is practiced as opposed to talked about, is based more on one’s values and practices (e.g., political beliefs; Hankins, 2008; Du Mez, 2020). This expands the term evangelical from religious identification to more racial, political, and social elements of identity. An example of social and political identity is Evangelical Christianity’s vocal role within American politics in the past 50 plus years. Within a post-war context, evangelicals were increasingly fearful for the state of the nation and focused their identity efforts at the forefront of morality politics (Du Mez, 2020; Latour, 2020). Latour (2020 describes morality politics as those that “specifically attempt to change individuals and their behaviors using either financial incentives, legal sanctions, or societal norms” (p. 88). Today, evangelicals continue to be vocal STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 26 about political issues surrounding what is considered “unbiblical,” mainly issues of LGBTQIA2S+ rights, abortion, and gun rights (Bean, 2014; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). The blending of evangelical identity with morality politics highlights their emphasis on biblical values as lived out through their advocacy for political policies regulating personal and private matters. One final identifying dimension woven throughout evangelical culture is radical dualism: the belief that mind and body are separate (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019; McBride, 2021). This belief stems from the general Western emphasis on Cartesian dualism combined with interpretations of the Bible that seem to encourage separation. As articulated by Estrada (2022), “this mind-body split is rarely explicitly stated, but rather implicitly understood when reading biblical passages”(p. 123).1 From radical dualism, beliefs and practices that value and prioritize the mind over the body are integrated throughout evangelical culture and theology. The main reason being due to the belief that mind and reason are the most trustworthy ways of accessing God, and therefore wisdom, for Biblical living. It is important to note that, due to the pervasive nature of evangelical culture within Christian denominations, Canada is not immune to the impacts of American Evangelical Christianity and purity culture. Differences and similarities as they relate to Canadian Evangelical Christian purity culture across historical, political, and cultural domains are discussed. Canadian evangelicals have not had the same historical connections to political identity and far-right politics as Americans. They generally have greater trust in the government 1 For more information and examples on how this mind-body split (also referred to as spirit-body split) manifests itself within Christian religious spaces, I encourage the reader to read Hillary McBride’s (2021) chapter “Holy Flesh” from her book The Wisdom of Your Body or Laura Anderson’s (2023) chapter “Engaging in a Relationship with Your Body” from her book When Religion Hurts You. These offer important clinical accounts of embodiment and the mind-body split in Christian religious spaces from clinical perspectives. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 27 (Reimer & Sikkink, 2020) and have less rigid cultural boundaries (Bean, 2014; Reimer & Sikkink, 2020). In contrast to American evangelical ties to moral and “cultural dominance” within political spheres (Malloy, 2009; Malloy, 2021), Canadian politics has focused on issues related to the economy rather than the moral (Malloy, 2009, 2017). Still, while Canadian evangelicals have grown more prominent in political spaces, typically aligning with right-wing parties, like the Conservative Party of Canada (Malloy, 2009), these alliances pale in comparison to the partisan politics in America. Even though Canadian evangelicals do not have the same political impact or partisan allegiances within Canadian politics, their beliefs and values are closely related to American evangelicals. This is largely due to many Canadian evangelicals having consumed American evangelical books, videos, and music as there is very little Canadian content. (Bean, 2014; Malloy, 2021). An example of this within a Canadian context is the evangelical adherence to heterosexual marriage: The issue of same-sex marriage brought the [Evangelical Fellowship of Canada], [Focus on the Family] Canada, and the newer groups together in opposition (although not always in actual unity); while they may differ somewhat on other sexual orientation rights and their level of militancy, evangelicals generally see heterosexual marriage as fundamental to their beliefs. (Malloy, 2009, p. 358) In summary, Canadian evangelicals do not have the same historical and political roots as American evangelicals. Although Canadian evangelicals may have strong beliefs aligning them with the political right, their beliefs are not as entwined nor have the same impact within Canadian identity and morality politics. Even with differences between Canadian and American evangelicals, their beliefs surrounding fundamental beliefs, such as same-sex marriage, often STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 28 remain closely aligned. These shared values, especially those relating to gender and sexuality, are central features of evangelical identity within both countries and create a foundation for understanding purity culture. Purity culture is situated within the evangelical post-war emphasis on fear-based moral politics and the evangelical resistance of secular “free love” movements in the 1960s and 70s (Latour, 2020). This was done through the promotion of chastity, modesty, and sexual abstinence-only-until-marriage. Over time, the initial move for sexual purity morphed and grew beyond political issues and placed sexual purity into “traditional Christianity” and “family values” (Latour, 2020). The evangelical countermovement was calling evangelicals back to biblical manhood and biblical womanhood, which then created the foundation for purity culture to become ritualized, moralized, and normalized during the 90s and beyond (Colwell & Johnson, 2020; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019; Latour, 2020). While purity culture was highly political in the 60s, extending into the 90s and 00s it became entwined within evangelical culture as a whole and today remains an unspoken and unquestioned layer of evangelical religious values and beliefs. The height of purity culture lasted through the 90s and into the 2000s (Colwell & Johnson, 2020; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019; Latour, 2020). During this time, churches promoted AOUM sexual education that would often provide limited and inaccurate understandings of sex and sexuality, often within restricted gender roles and heterosexual understandings of marriage (Colwell & Johnson, 2020; Estrada, 2022; Fahs, 2010; Klein, 2019; Latour, 2020). Books around courting instead of dating were normalized, like I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Harris, 1997) and organizations like True Love Waits were formed around the promotion of AOUM sex education and gaining purity pledges from young people. In many ways, purity culture became a commodified and tangible phenomenon through organizations, concerts, pledges, and purity STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 29 rings (Fahs, 2010; Latour, 2020). This commodification was relevant to a Canadian context as the narratives, norms, and beliefs of purity culture were made accessible and tangible for many Canadians across Christian denominations. Purity Culture Themes Many core tenets of purity culture are characterized by strict gender roles and sexual scripts, and are explored below. Regarding gender roles, “complementarianism” is the term used within Christian evangelical spaces to describe the belief that men and women are created in the image of God and are equal parts of God that complement the other (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). However, this is practiced within evangelical spaces by promoting strict gender expectations where men must adhere to “masculine” roles and expressions and women to the “feminine. Such traditional masculinity in practice promotes men over women instead of being equals (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). Relevant to purity culture, complementarianism assumes that men cannot control their minds and women cannot control their bodies (Klein, 2019). This lays the foundation for problematic expectations where women must protect men from their bodies (Camden, 2019; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). Women are expected to be the gatekeepers of men and their sexual impulses (Camden, 2019; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). One way this is done is through modesty. Women must dress modestly to avoid tempting men with their bodies. Women are expected to control men’s impulses through the control of their own bodies (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). Modesty rules play a key role in perpetuating rape myths. According to purity culture, if a woman had just “dressed differently” or said “no” earlier, she would have avoided sexual assault or rape (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019; Klement et al., 2022). Purity culture also continues to STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 30 suggest that sex outside of marriage is worse than rape, and that rape is avoidable if women dress modestly or behaves feminine (Klein, 2019). Key sexual scripts and assumptions within purity culture are that virginity and purity are crucial along with the beliefs that sexual intercourse should be restricted between a man and woman after marriage (Camden, 2019; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). In practice, if a couple has sexual intercourse before marriage, women bear the social and relational damage (Klein, 2019). If this happens, women are viewed as “damaged goods” (Dunnavant & Roberts, 2013; Estrada, 2022; Gish, 2018; Klein, 2019). A crude metaphor often referenced compares having sex before marriage to being a “chewed up” piece of gum, delivering the message that women who do not abstain are undesirable. The intention behind these images is for young girls to imagine their virginity as a gift they give to their husbands, and being “chewed” is a painful reminder of how gross and repulsive it is to have received a “used” gift like that (Gish, 2018; Klein, 2019). Abstaining from sex until marriage is rewarded and valorized (Camden, 2019; Klein, 2019). However, women are caught in a double bind where men are valorized for their struggles in sexuality and women are abnormal (Estrada, 2022). Purity is not just gender roles, just purity, or just suffering, it is about faith, being a “good Christian,” and eternal salvation (Klein, 2019). As such, the weight of gender and sexual scripts within purity culture are weighty and burdensome. Impact A unifying perspective of purity culture has yet to be studied and there are no empirical studies examining purity culture’s impact on sexual embodiment. Some studies explore how Evangelical Christian messages positively impact people’s relationship to their body. In particular, Jacobson et al. (2016a, 2016b) examined how sanctification beliefs (the belief that the body is created by God and therefore holy) were positively correlated with body appreciation STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 31 than evangelicals who held to higher radical dualist beliefs about the body. This was done in a general sample across denominations for both men and women. While Jacobson’s (2016a, 2016b) studies reveal the impact of radical dualist beliefs on one’s ability to appreciate and connect to the body, their study reveals a larger issue when studying evangelical populations. What studies like this often fail to grasp is the rootedness of fear integral to evangelical beliefs and faith structures. As previously stated, evangelical beliefs and identity revolve around what is considered biblical living. However, for many evangelicals, expressing thoughts or feelings contrary to what is considered biblical suggests doubt or a lack of confidence in God and the Bible (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). The implications for this doubt has the potential to create fear and anxiety: the consequences of doubt within an evangelical worldview is eternal damnation (i.e. hell; Bolz-Weber, 2019; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). evangelicals may report they believe one thing (e.g. sanctification) to avoid this anxiety. The self-reports used within studies like Jacobson’s (2016a, 2016b) may not accurately reflect participants internal experiences or adherence to belief systems due to the avoidance of anxiety. Another factor influencing self-report measures in an evangelical population is the lack of social tools and understandings to identify bodily sensations such as hurt, harm, pleasure, pain. Evangelical teachings often promote the mind and reason over the body, leaving little room for social discourse or tools to identify and resolve bodily sensations (Fricker, 2007; McBride, 2021; Panchuk, 2020). As a result, it may be challenging for evangelicals to identify body sensations in a way that connects to what these measures intend to assess. Supposing that if or when evangelicals can identify these sensations, the previously mentioned eternal implications may still prevent them from reporting these experiences (Bolz-Weber, 2019; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). Although Jacobson et al. (2016a, 2016b) identify sanctification as a positive variable STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 32 related to embodied connection (integration between mind and body and contrasting with radical dualism), embodied connection may be absent due to the lack of social language and experiences available. Until studies begin to account for the spiritual and moral weight required for evangelicals to report experiences that contradict what they “should” be experiencing or can name as their experience, there are still questions around the validity of these measures, and therefore claims of these kinds of studies. Contrasting with Jacobson et al.’s (2016a, 2016b) studies, many people who grew up in Evangelical Christianity are now speaking about the negative impacts that Evangelicalism has had on their emotional and mental health (Klein, 2019; Lloyd & Hutchinson, 2022; McBride, 2021). Purity culture is no exception. While there are gaps in the research pertaining to understanding the unifying impact of purity culture on women’s sexual embodiment, there is compelling evidence of its negative impact on women’s sexual health. The following section explores the negative impact of purity culture on sexual health and women’s relationship with their bodies. Sexual Illiteracy. Purity culture creates an environment conducive to spreading sexual misinformation and myths. Many women who received AOUM sex education experience various sexual health and well-being complications due to inaccurate information about sex (Sellers, 2017). AOUM sex education aimed to decrease sexual activity in youth populations but current research highlights how AOUM sex education instead promoted risky sexual behaviour, like lower condom and contraceptive use (Kirby, 2008; Paik et al., 2016; Santelli et al., 2017) and increased human papilloma virus (HPV) risk (Paik et al., 2016). Further, the United States compared to other developed countries has the highest teen pregnancy and birth rates, and AOUM sex education is attributed to these higher rates even after accounting for variables such STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 33 as socioeconomic status and teen educational attainment (Stanger-Hall & Hall, 2011). In doing so, AOUM sex education has spread misinformation directly harming women and their access to safe and accurate sexual health knowledge and practices. Sexual Scripts. Exposure to sexual double standards (SDS), as is characteristic of the social messaging within purity culture, impacts mental, emotional, and sexual health. Women are more significantly impacted than men by their beliefs around entitlement to pleasure (Emmerink et al., 2016) and although women report feeling critical of sexual scripts, they participate in lower advocacy for pleasure or self-pleasure and self-silence their desire (Emmerink et al., 2016). SDS and scripts within purity culture restrict women’s sexual behaviours and are reinforced when women stray from sexual expectations. When women stray, they are met with severe social and moral repercussions (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). This is compounded by the messages women receive about their bodies causing men to stumble and that women must prioritize men’s sexual needs and desires over their own (Estrada, 2022; Nagoski, 2015). Sex Guilt and Shame. Perhaps the greatest impact of purity culture is the amount of sexual shame that many women consequently carry into their lives and relationships. Located within a larger study on women, sexual agency, and sexual health behaviours, Gunning et al. (2020) conducted a qualitative analysis of open-ended survey responses of 191 women from a general population and found that women’s most memorable early messages regarding sex and sexuality were shame, sex, abortion, childbearing, and fears of infertility. The study found that these five factors played a significant role in inhibiting sexual identity development, sexual activity, and relationship with the body later on in life. Sexual shame inhibits not only women’s sexual identity (Gunning et al., 2020; Sellers, 2017), but positive sexual experiences, like pleasure (Alarcão et al., 2022; Gunning et al., 2020; Nagoski, 2015; Reis et al., 2021; Woo et al., STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 34 2012) and orgasm (Hamilton & Meston, 2013). This is due to messaging within purity culture that women’s sexual identity, desires, and pleasures are “dirty” (Sellers, 2017). Sexual Dysfunction. Dysfunctional sexual beliefs and shame profoundly impact sexual functioning. Specifically, religiosity and stress significantly predict sexual dysfunction (McCoolMyers et al., 2018). This aligns with the stress and shame typically experienced by women within purity culture. A common concern for many women who grew up with purity culture beliefs are sexual pain disorders, including dyspareunia—genital pain experienced before, during, or after intercourse (Azim, Happel-Parkins, & Moses, 2021)—more generally or specifically vaginismus (Fadul et al., 2019)—tensing of the vagina potentially leading to dyspareunia. Vaginismus has been linked to incomplete or inaccurate sex education (Azim, Happel-Parkins, & Moses, 2021; Azim, Happel-Parkins, Moses, et al., 2021; Silverstein, 1989). People with sexual dysfunction disorders, like persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD), have shown to have more dysfunctional sexual beliefs (e.g., sexual conservatism, or sex is a sin; Carvalho et al., 2013). Additionally, existing literature indicates that sexual conservatism and associated beliefs within purity culture are related to increased self-objectification and decreased sexual self- esteem (Smith, 2022), as women within purity culture are exposed to the sexual objectification of themselves or of peers (Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019). The links between dysfunctional sexual beliefs and accompanying stress showcase the ways in which purity culture sexual scripts and beliefs negatively impact sexual functioning and increase self-objectification. As seen throughout this section, the sexual scripts found within purity culture has been shown to negatively impact sexual well-being goals such as sexual literacy and sexual functioning as well as increasing sexual guilt and shame. Addressing and understanding purity STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 35 culture in a unifying way remains crucial to examine the ways in which multiple factors interact and influence women’s experiences of sexual embodiment. Summary and Research Question Throughout this chapter, sexual embodiment has been outlined as a relevant construct for sexual health and well-being. Embodiment encompasses sensations, meanings, and internalizations of societal narratives and norms from the location of the body. Experience of Embodiment (EE) and the Developmental Theory of Embodiment (DTE), as identified from Piran and colleagues’ research (2012, 2017, 2019), illustrate how sociocultural experiences impact embodiment positively and negatively across the lifespan. Positive messages have the potential to validate the diversity of bodily experiences and increase connection to the self, and negative messages diminish this connection (Piran, 2017, 2019; Piran & Teall, 2012). Disrupted embodiment negatively impacts sexual health (Piran, 2016, 2017, 2019; Piran & Teall, 2012). It is hoped that using embodiment as a framework provides more nuanced insights into sexual health barriers. Sexual embodiment in this thesis refers specifically to the living, experiencing, and perceiving of the world entangled with social and cultural relationships through the location of the sexual body (Byers & Rehman, 2014; Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019; Tolman et al., 2014; Ussher et al., 2017). Positive sexual embodiment encompasses sexual health outcomes and experiences like sexual agency and function, access to sexual desires, and protective strategies to protect and nurture one’s body reveal positive sexual embodiment (Brotto & Smith, 2014; Fahs et al., 2018; Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019; Tolman et al., 2014). Existing literature indicates that purity culture has detrimental effects on women’s sexual health and relationship with their bodies. These adverse sexual health and well-being outcomes today look like negative sexual embodiment: high prescription to sexual double standards STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 36 (Emmerink et al., 2016), sex shame and guilt (Alarcão et al., 2022; Gunning et al., 2020; Reis et al., 2021; Woo et al., 2012), pain during sex (Azim, Happel- Parkins, & Moses, 2021; Azim, Happel-Parkins, Moses, et al., 2021; McCool-Myers et al., 2018; Silverstein, 1989), limited access to sex education, risky sexual behaviours (Kirby, 2008; Paik et al., 2016; Santelli et al., 2017), and low pleasure and desire (Carvalho et al., 2013; Peixoto & Nobre, 2014; Reis et al., 2021; Woo et al., 2012). Accordingly, it is proposed that sexual embodiment is a relevant construct for investigating the impact of purity culture. Although existing literature indicates that embodiment is a multifaceted construct for examining barriers to sexual health across the lifespan, and that purity culture has been shown to negatively affect women’s sexual health and relationship with their bodies, research has yet to examine the effects of purity culture on sexual embodiment. Accordingly, this study aims to address this gap in existing literature by investigating people’s experiences of sexual embodiment after purity culture. The research question this study seeks to answer is: How do people raised as girls experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 37 CHAPTER 3: METHOD The aim of this study was to answer: How do people raised as girls experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? The following chapter elaborates on this study’s constructivist research paradigm, feminist approach to research, narrative inquiry, and evaluates their fit to address the research topic and question. The study’s method, body mapping, is defined, and its alignment with the research topic, paradigm, and methodology is stated. This chapter includes descriptions of participants, procedures, data collection, and analysis. Finally, criteria for establishing quality and rigour are discussed. Research Paradigm Ontological and Epistemological Position of This Study This study is grounded in a constructivist research paradigm. This paradigmatic foundation has implications for understanding the nature of reality, ontology, and how this reality is known, epistemology. A constructivist ontology holds that there are multiple subjective truths relative to one’s context (Denzin & Lincoln, 2017; Mertens, 2019; Spencer et al., 2014). Epistemologically, constructivists understand that research aims to find truths within a social environment (Spencer et al., 2014). This is primarily achieved through knowledge co-creation and dialogue, as knowledge is created and understood within a relational context (Denzin & Lincoln, 2017; Mertens, 2019). Throughout this study it was assumed that participants had their own socially dependent realities, knowledge, and meaning and that the researcher came to understand this reality through dialogue, in line with a constructivist ontology and epistemology. Feminist Approaches to Research This study used a feminist approach to research. Feminist research embraces the subjectivity of reality, in line with a constructivist paradigm, and examines privileged realities STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 38 through the lens of power, specifically gendered power structures like patriarchy (McHugh, 2014; Mertens, 2019). Context needs to be articulated so that contradictory and unifying voices are brought to the forefront of research: Various contextual truths are highlighted within feminist research (Bhavnani, 1993; Code, 2014; Hall & Stevens, 1991; Hesse-Biber, 2012). Finally, feminist research prioritizes contextualized ways of knowing through relationality. This is done primarily through dialogue, building trust and rapport between the researcher and participant, and member-checking for the credibility of truths (Hall & Stevens, 1991). Axiology informs how good feminist research is conducted and evaluated. Having a feminist research approach does not mean that it employs a “feminist” methodology (Wigginton & Lafrance, 2019). Instead, any methodology or paradigm can be feminist so long as its framework and results move toward the values and goals of feminism (Bhavnani, 1993; Wigginton & Lafrance, 2019). In feminist research, there is an emphasis on undoing powered dynamics and ways of knowing within research epistemology because traditional standards of objectivity and conducting research often perpetuate patriarchy and, in doing so, exclude and misrepresent the lived realities of women’s experiences (Bhavnani, 1993; Hesse-Biber, 2012). Critical examinations of epistemology are woven throughout feminist research and this study. The feminist researcher is responsible for critical self-reflection of their own assumptions and biases when encountering participants and their ways of knowing and coming to understand reality (Mertens, 2019). This reflexivity allows researchers to position themselves within the research and avoid perpetuating oppressive ways of knowing that silence oppressed voices (Code, 2014; Hesse-Biber, 2012; Wigginton & Lafrance, 2019). Both a constructivist paradigm and feminist approaches to research value and uphold the existence of multiple context-bound truths. From a constructivist perspective this is known through dialogue, and feminist approaches STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 39 compliment this through values of relationality between researcher and participant. This aligns with the research and topic and aim as the research question seeks to examine the unique and subjective lived experiences for people raised as girls. Further, a feminist approach highlights important powered dynamics that participants likely experienced in purity culture environments. In doing so, a feminist approach is an appropriate research approach as it hoped to meet feminist goals by give voice to people raised as girl’s experiences. Researcher Positionality As articulated, positionality is a crucial element of feminist approaches to research as positionality enables the researcher to critically reflect on any areas of bias or power imbalances they may hold (Code, 2014; Hesse-Biber, 2012; Wigginton & Lafrance, 2019). Rather than exclude these from the research process and analysis, these reflections are brought into the research process (Code, 2014; Hesse-Biber, 2012; Wigginton & Lafrance, 2019). Positionality was already explored briefly through the researcher’s use of personal story in the introduction of this thesis. In the following section, further critical reflections on the implications of personal story are provided as it relates to the positionality of the researcher. Three key themes stood out to me from my personal story: (a) my experiences within multiple denominations and expressions of Christianity and purity culture; (b) my responses, feelings, and behaviours in reaction to purity culture; and (c) my relationship and interactions with Christianity and purity culture today. First, I have diverse experiences within Evangelical Christianity (e.g., Baptist/Mennonite, non-denominational, Pentecostal, charismatic, Vineyard, etc.). Due to having moved through different community expressions of Evangelical Christianity, I was able to “enter” into participants' specific denominational contexts and stories within their STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 40 church upbringings. This aided within the interviewing process as I attuned to, asked, and noted specific themes or experiences that participants shared. Second, my personal responses, feelings, and behaviours in relation to purity culture involved shutting down, ignoring, and dismissing my desire and pleasure growing up. As shown throughout my personal story included in Chapter 1, it has only been in recent years that I have become more connected to my sexual self in an embodied way. This awareness came after reading Linda Kay Klein’s (2019) book Pure and her interviewees stories and experiences within purity culture. Throughout her book, people had a variety of ways of coping and processing purity culture. My response of numbing is only one of many potential responses to purity culture. There was the potential for my story to be similar to some participants, and dissimilar to others. It was important for me as the researcher to notice and become aware of these overlaps and differences throughout the interview and analysis process. Finally, though not mentioned in my personal story in the introduction of this thesis, my relationship with Christianity has changed during the time of my writing this thesis. It was excluded due to its relevance to the topics of sexual embodiment and purity culture. However, I do see its relevance as it relates to my positionality as a researcher. I started this project more comfortable sitting and participating in a church setting. Today, as I write this, I am no longer comfortable in a church setting, yet still identify as a Christian. This may continue to shift and change beyond the publication of this thesis. As a researcher, I was mindful of my personal reactions to participants' current identification or not within Christianity. In summary, participants had various experiences with and attachments to Evangelical Christianity and purity culture: some were more indifferent to, okay with, or angry and upset than I currently was. In a similar vein, I am at a point where I feel comfortable with my sexual STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 41 body and self as it is today, however, throughout the interviewing process individual stories and experiences pushed and pulled-on assumptions that I had about what sex and sexuality means and looks like. I needed to be aware of my emotional reactions in interviews and analysis so as not to project unnecessary biases onto participants. One final area of positionality worth noting of is power. First, I am a twenty-something White, cis-gender woman. My White and cis-gender identities are sources of privilege and potentially contribute to “power over” participants from minority racial/ethnic or gender backgrounds. My title as a counselling psychology researcher placed me in a perceived position of power over participants. Finally, the academic institution where I received my supervision and training is Trinity Western University (TWU), which has a history of homophobia and transphobia as seen through past and recent policies and cultural mores (Shipley, 2020). As a researcher, I was mindful of the harm that has come from TWU towards Queer folx as my research intends to include and tell the stories of Queer folx. The importance of being a reflexive researcher throughout the process of this project cannot be overstated. Due to my personal connections to the topic, I was grateful for my ability to step into participant dialogues and experiences. However, critical reflection was needed throughout this process to be aware of power dynamics and biases I held, as is required within feminist research. Method The following section presents a rationale for the use of narrative inquiry and body mapping method within this study. In particular, narrative inquiry is discussed as it relates to answering the experiential and storied nature of the research question (i.e., how do people sense, interpret, and make meaning throughout their experiences during and after purity culture; Kim, 2016; Riessman, 2008). Body mapping is described as a fitting method for addressing the STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 42 experiential and embodied nature of the research question (i.e., how do people sense, interpret, and make meaning through the expression of stories; Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Gastaldo et al., 2018; Jager et al., 2016). Finally, visual narrative analysis and thematic narrative analysis is explained (Riessman, 2008). Narrative Inquiry “Narrative” is an all-encompassing term that exceeds linear stories; narratives are just as much about telling as they are about sharing what is known (Kim, 2016). In addition to this, narratives produce knowledge due to their ability to uncover causality and, therefore, uncover how individuals make sense of the self over time. Examples of this include identity and contextual knowledge (Riessman, 2008). All narratives are multi-layered and complex, and this complexity can be accessed through oral, written, or visual mediums (Kim, 2016; Riessman, 2008). Visual narrative analysis examines the expression, interpretations, and meanings of an image before, during, and after image production. Examples include “how component parts are arranged, and use of color and technologies relevant to the genre” (Riessman, 2008, p. 144). Combining oral and visual mediums allows for deeper complexities and nuances to an individual’s narratives, contributing to rich data communicating their experiences. Narrative Inquiry Rationale In this study, visual narrative inquiry as described by Riessman (2008) was applied. Narrative inquiry aligns with the study’s constructivist paradigm. Narratives emphasize the multiplicity of truths and individual knowledge and therefore the multiple narratives to be shared, told, and known. This knowledge is created through dialogue and focuses on “how” stories are told within this dialogue. From narratives, relevant interpretations and meanings are uncovered (Kim, 2016; Riessman, 2008). Examples relevant to this study are how events or STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 43 understandings of the sexual body and self have evolved and shifted over time, relationships, and context (Riessman, 2008). As such, narrative was an appropriate fit within a constructivist paradigm. Narrative inquiry was chosen due to its fit with feminist approach to research and bodymapping method. The attention to multiple contextual factors and truths including power, in narrative inquiry is suited to feminist research goals (Bhavnani, 1993; Code, 2014; Hall & Stevens, 1991; Hesse-Biber, 2012; McHugh, 2014; Mertens, 2019). The impact of power and oppressive messages can be uncovered as they relate to individual narratives and identity as well as collective and unifying narratives (Kim, 2016; Riessman, 2008). Narrative inquiry was also appropriate fit for this study due to the alignment with feminist research approach and the narrative nature of body mapping method. In this study, narratives were explored orally and visually (Kim, 2016). The multiplicity of narrative truths aligns with feminist goals. Body mapping enhanced this complexity by making multiple truths visible (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). The combination of oral and visual elements highlighted different ways of capturing and understanding narratives. Finally, narrative inquiry was a good fit for this study due to its ability to answer the research question—how do people raised as girls experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? Narrative inquiry answers storied questions and allows participants to tell their past narratives or identity over time (Riessman, 2008). Feminist research prioritizes examining individual, collective, multiple, and unifying narratives (Riessman, 2008). Further, narrative thematic analysis was used within this study to answer the research question across individual and collective narratives in people’s experiences after purity culture. Narrative inquiry is also STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 44 interpretive, meaning-focused, and focuses attention to contextual factors like power, making it suited for answering the research question. Body Mapping Aligning method of inquiry with embodiment theory, this study centered embodied ways of conducting research by using body mapping. Creative and sensory ways of knowing facilitated through the body are often missing within research methodology, as well as within embodiment research (Chadwick, 2017; Kriger, 2019). Accordingly, this study expanded upon the increasing amount of research conducted utilizing non-verbal inquiry-based methods (Chadwick, 2017; Jager et al., 2016; Kriger, 2019). Centering embodied inquiry through a nonverbal arts-based method also was a move away from more traditional methodologies that emphasize talking as the only valid way of knowing (Chadwick, 2017; Kriger, 2019). Body mapping is an arts-based method of inquiry whereby individuals create their own life-size body map to convey their stories and experiences using artistic symbols and imagery (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Gastaldo et al., 2018; Jager et al., 2016). Body maps are layered with past, present, and future stories paired with interviews. This engages participants in storytelling and knowledge through a visual medium. Body mapping began as group arts-based intervention in the 1990s conducted in South Africa for women with HIV/AIDS (Jager et al., 2016). Body mapping as a research methodology has grown in its use and efficacy since then (Jager et al., 2016). Studies today rely on Gastaldo et al.’s (2012) facilitator guide from her work with undocumented migrant workers in Ontario, Canada. This guide recommends three body mapping sessions, each session beginning with an interview followed by the body mapping exercises (Gastaldo et al., 2012). The final product consists of three parts: a tesimonio (a narrative story or introduction to the participant), the life-size body map, and key for the body STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 45 map (Gastaldo et al., 2012). This study modified the guide as described later in the procedure section. It is important to note that the use of body mapping as a research methodology is still in its infancy. As such, while this study relied on Gastaldo et al.’s (2012) work for developing the body mapping protocols, supplemental studies were used to discern whether body mapping was an appropriate fit for the topics of sexual embodiment. Researchers have used Gastaldo et al.’s (2012) protocols for various research projects and topics. Most relevant to this study is de Jager et al.’s (2016) systematic review of body mapping studies. In this review, the most typical topics explored via body mapping were sensitive topics like sex and sexuality (Boydell et al., 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2018; Jager et al., 2016; Lys et al., 2018). However, other sensitive topics like childhood trauma and abuse have been studied using body mapping (Malecki et al., 2022, 2023). In particular, Malecki et al. (2023) used body mapping to explore the topics of embodiment, childhood abuse, and anorexia nervosa. Malecki et al.’s (2023) contributions to this study are listed later in the procedures section below. Body Mapping Rationale Body mapping was chosen for this study for three main reasons: (a) fit within narrative storytelling; (b) ability to access embodied knowledge; and (c) engagement with the topics of sex, sexuality, and embodiment. In this study, purely visual narrative analysis without body mapping could have been conducted. However, the combination of visual narrative analysis and body mapping was chosen because body mapping allows participants to connect personal, recent, and embodied history in a layered and embodied way (Gastaldo et al., 2018): It makes the biological, emotional, and social body vivid, providing thicker descriptions of sexual STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 46 embodiment and people’s experiences with purity culture (Boydell, 2020). This study aimed to tell peoples sexually embodied stories through the visual medium of body mapping. Body mapping was also chosen because it captures embodied knowledge in two distinct ways. First, body mapping encourages participants to focus their attention and awareness to their embodied experiences so that deeper awareness and reflection can occur (Jager et al., 2016). This process is slower and allows participants to reflect deeply on their experiences and create a thicker description of embodied knowledge (Boydell, 2020; Jager et al., 2016). Second, body mapping explicitly and visually connects internal and external worlds (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). As described within the literature review, embodiment encompasses the interactions between internal sensations and external social factors. Participants convey sensations, social forces, and interactions between the two through imagery (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). Participants in this study were able to communicate their sexually embodied stories with thicker descriptions through this slower and reflexive embodied awareness and symbolic engagement. Additionally, the use of body mapping to capture embodied experience is relevant for examining the experiences of an evangelical population. As noted within the literature review, evangelicals may often have difficulty articulating their experiences due to moral ramifications (Bolz-Weber, 2019; Estrada, 2022; Klein, 2019) or due to the inability to name difficult sensations or emotions (Fricker, 2007; McBride, 2021; Panchuk, 2020). The aim in using the slower process of body mapping was to elucidate embodied knowledge to potentially reveal such fears, difficulties in identifying sensations, or perhaps new and unspoken experiences through symbols or imagery. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 47 Finally, part of the rationale for using body mapping is body mapping captures and allow participants to express difficult-to-verbalize concepts without providing identifying information (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). As previously mentioned, body mapping has a rich history of use with sensitive topics including sexual health (Boydell, 2020; Jager et al., 2016), child abuse (Jager et al., 2016; Malecki et al., 2022, 2023), and embodiment (Malecki et al., 2023). The combination of narrative and embodied storytelling made body mapping a sensitive and suitable method for the topic of sexual embodiment and purity culture. Procedures Participants In line with this study’s feminist research approach, this study aimed to empower and give voice to participants often left out of previous studies on sexual embodiment and purity culture. Previous research has focused mainly on cis-gender and straight women (Piran, 2016, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012; Satinsky & Ramseyer Winter, 2019; Tolman et al., 2014). This study aimed to examine the impact of purity culture on people who were raised as girls during puberty, regardless of whether they were cis-gender or straight at the time of participation in this study. The inclusion criteria for this study was as follows: people raised as girls through puberty; who identify as being impacted by Evangelical Christianity’s purity culture; 19+ years old; and located within the Lower Mainland of British Columbia, Canada. Using the phrase “raised as girls” included gender-diverse folx (i.e., non-binary, gender fluid, intersex, trans men). The purpose of including people raised as girls “through puberty” is grounded in literature identifying the “crisis of adolescence,” as previously described by Niva Piran (2017) that many girls encounter during this crucial period of time. Including participants impacted by Evangelical Christianity’s purity culture is to locate participants within this particular context as opposed to STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 48 other cultural purity cultures (e.g., Muslim purity culture). Participants had to be 19+ years old due to the sensitive nature of the research topic and therefore being of the age of majority in British Columbia, as well as located in the Lower Mainland to participate in the study in-person. The aimed sample size for this study was between four to six participants. Due to the narrowness of the research question, participant inclusion criteria, as well as thick descriptions collected and analyzed from body mapping sessions, this study had high information power allowing for a smaller sample size. Moreover, smaller sample sizes are consistent with narrative research where purposive sampling is typically used (Riessman, 2008). Narrative studies related to the topics of embodiment have ranged from 46 participants for broader participant inclusion (Cense & Ruard Ganzevoort, 2019) to 14 participants for more narrow topics of study (Herland, 2023). Furthermore, Boydell (2020) suggests body mapping studies with a narrative inquiry focus should be smaller in size. One similar study examining childhood abuse, embodiment, and anorexia used eight participants for their study (Malecki et al., 2023). Thus, considering the richness of visual and oral narrative data to be collected, and consequent high information power, this study’s sample size of four-six participants was appropriate. From this recruitment process, five people raised as girls were recruited between the ages of 19-27 and participated in the interviews and the creation of their body map. Three participants identified their sexual orientation as pansexual, one identified as bisexual, and one participant was unsure and described it as “open-ended” and demi-sexual. Four of the participants identified as cis-gender women and one participant as non-binary. Screening Interview Participants who self-identified as meeting the above criteria were invited to participate in an initial screening interview over the phone. This interview determined whether interested STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 49 individuals met the inclusion criteria and were a good fit for participating in the present study (see Appendix A). Within the screening interview participants were asked about their comfort talking about sex, sexuality, and experiential exercises. Another question included participants comfort/ability to come to TWU’s campus for two 2-hour in-person sessions. Recruitment This study used purposive and snowball sampling to recruit participants. Recruitment materials was shared among the researcher’s personal connections (i.e., Facebook, Instagram, “friends” of the researcher sharing and re-posting recruitment materials). A digital recruitment poster was created to be posted online (see Appendix B). Pilot Study A pilot study was conducted with the researcher and a colleague in order to: (a) help clarify and shape interview and body mapping prompts as coherent and comprehensible to participants, (b) to determine the timing of body mapping sessions, and (c) to hone and practice the researcher’s facilitation skills. Data Collection for Body mapping The following section outlines how the body mapping sessions were conducted. This includes the researcher’s role in data collection and a summary of the procedures for body mapping are discussed (see Appendix C for physical space and material requirements). Researcher Role. The role of the researcher within body mapping sessions was to position themselves as a co-researcher with participants and establish rapport and trust with research participants. This included but not limited to maintaining reflective dialogue in interviews and body mapping sessions, providing guidance, direction, and even technical assistance (e.g., drawing, cutting paper, or brainstorming potential symbols) in body mapping STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 50 exercises. This also included being mindful of participants' emotional state and offering breaks or pauses within the sessions, especially the body mapping exercises. The researcher was also responsible for taking detailed notes of the body mapping experiences, key symbols, and imagery for later data analysis, as suggested by Gastaldo et al. (2012) and Boydell (2020). Data. The outcome of body mapping according to Gastaldo et al. (2012)includes three parts: the testimonio, one life-size body map, and a key to the individual’s body map. The key was created collaboratively between the participant and researcher and depicts the symbols, imagery, and meaning found within the body maps. In this study, after the two sessions were completed, the final outcome was in two parts: the life-size body map and the key to this body map. A final participant narrative was created in place of the testimonio, as aligned within narrative inquiry, and member-checked. Member-checking is further elaborated in the session outline and rigour and quality sections. Within these two 2-hour sessions, a significant amount of data was collected. Each session was held in-person and video- and audio-recorded over Zoom (which consisted of the semi-structured interviews and body mapping activities). The researcher took fieldnotes/memos during and after each session. For the body maps, the physical body map and its key was incomplete after the first session. It was anticipated that participants would want to take home their body maps after the study, however, only one participant requested that they take their map home. Once the body map was complete, the researcher took final photos of the body maps and returned the body map to the one participant. Session Outlines. The first session covered themes and experiences growing up as a girl within purity culture and who the participants are today (see Appendix D). Part 1 of this session was a semi-structured interview covering the aforementioned themes and took approximately 30 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 51 minutes, although some participants took longer. The second part of the session was the body mapping session with activities and prompts that explored previous themes from the session and took approximately 90 minutes (see Appendix E). The second session followed this same format, except this time the themes explored were the specific ways in which purity culture impacts the participants today, areas of strength and support, and looking to their future (see Appendix F) and the body mapping session explored these themes on the body map (see Appendix G). During the second session, the researcher provided a member-check on the initial themes found within each participant’s key. After the sessions were completed, a debriefing email was sent out to participants (see Appendix H). Once sessions and thematic analysis was completed, initial findings and themes were communicated to participants to member-check findings. This was done through a narrative summary of their purity culture upbringing alongside a summary of themes across participant body maps. An optional follow-up interview (e.g., phone, Zoom, inperson) was offered to participants but was not required. Data Management All digital data was stored on a password-encrypted USB, including video/audio recordings of whole sessions, transcripts and typed field notes, and photos of the final body map. Body maps in-between sessions were rolled and stored in a locked room. As previously mentioned, multiple photos were taken of the final body map before returning to the participant. These photos were stored on a password-encrypted USB. All data will be deleted or destroyed five years after thesis publication in accordance with informed consent. Ethical Considerations The project received approval from the Human Research Ethics Board (HREB) through TWU. This included ensuring that ethical procedures were considered throughout the project. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 52 Informed consent forms, procedures, and data collection followed HREB standards and approval. Ethical considerations regarding data collection were listed in the data management section above. In addition to this, key ethical considerations regarding arts-based research included maintaining confidentiality and anonymity, navigating strong emotions and informed consent within body mapping sessions, and ownership of body maps after sessions (Boydell et al., 2011; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). Ensuring participant confidentiality and anonymity was outlined in the written consent forms provided at the beginning of the body mapping sessions (see Appendix I). Participants were asked to choose a pseudonym for their story and body map for publication. They were instructed to refrain from using real names or places symbolized on their maps to maintain confidentiality and anonymity. The researcher ensured that any identifying information would be blurred out before publication if symbols or images were later found to be identifying. Finally, during the member-checking of participant narratives, participants gave feedback on editing or removing any information that they felt was identifying. Participants provided verbal informed consent during their screening interviews and signed written consent prior to the first body mapping session. The intent in this process was to ensure their comfort and ability to discuss topics related to sex, sexuality, and the use of experiential exercises. Within the body mapping process, the researcher made sure to check in on the emotional state of participants. This included but was not limited to providing listening and validation to participants during difficult stories. In one instance, the researcher noted that the participant was becoming more uncomfortable as they put down symbols they originally had stated they did not want on their map. The researcher made sure to encourage the participant to slow down and reflect on whether they wanted to continue putting symbols related to those STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 53 experiences on their map. The researcher also offered ways of providing a sense of grounding and safety after that moment with the participant and debriefed again in the following session. The research also ensured that at the end of each body mapping session, a grounding exercise was provided to participants (see Appendix E and G). Data Analysis According to Gastaldo et al.(2018), body mapping analysis has two levels. In the first level of analysis, during the body mapping sessions, the researcher and participant co-create a key to the individual’s body map (e.g., meaning behind colours, imagery, symbols, etc.). The cocreation of the key is typical within body mapping studies (Boydell, 2020; Jager et al., 2016) and aligns with feminist approaches to research (Bhavnani, 1993; Hall & Stevens, 1991). After this first level of analysis, further analysis is needed, where researcher discretion, paradigm, and methodology play a larger role. As previously described, this study used visual narrative analysis and thematic analysis for the second level of analysis. Visual narrative analysis was conducted so the researcher could analyze the stories and telling process within individual body maps (Riessman, 2008). This is why the co-created key between participant and researcher was crucial. This key ensured that as the researcher analyzed visual narratives in the second level of analysis, looking for the content, relationships, events, and plot, the intended meanings and interpretations of such narratives remained intact. In line with narrative inquiry, body maps were considered in their entirety rather than coded into parts (Boydell, 2020). Visual narrative themes and patterns were cross-checked between the participant’s key, verbal interview data, researcher field notes of sessions, and audio transcriptions of sessions for reliability. In particular, the researcher’s fieldnotes and audio transcriptions answered important how questions surrounding the process of body mapping. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 54 Narrative themes and content were reached through a constant comparison method between visual body map data and the transcriptions of sessions and fieldnotes (Boydell, 2020). Once visual narrative themes from body maps were collected, thematic analysis was used to code visual narrative themes and patterns across all participants. This study adapted Braun and Clarke’s (2006) thematic analysis as a means of identifying common themes or contradictions across body maps. The steps of thematic analysis included (a) becoming familiar with the data. This was achieved through co-creation of the key within participant sessions as well as the transcription of each participant’s sessions; (b) generating codes. This was done by examining visual narrative themes for each individual body map followed by (c) finding themes upon combining all participants themes across body maps. Afterwards (d) themes were reviewed and grouped followed by (e) identifying and naming themes; (f) finding examples of themes was done and written up below in Chapter 5 (Braun & Clarke, 2006). Within this step minor changes to theme names and descriptions were made. The purpose of this analytical step was to highlight overarching narrative themes or contradictions (Bhavnani, 1993; Hall & Stevens, 1991; Riessman, 2008). Rigour and Quality In the following section, the criteria for rigour and quality of this study according to narrative analysis, feminist research, and body-mapping are outlined and described. Consistent with narrative research methods, criteria for trustworthiness, comprehensiveness, coherence, and verisimilitude were met. Criteria from feminist research were also chosen: positionality; examining difference and contradiction; contextual truths; and relationality. And while bodymapping studies currently do not have explicit criteria they are held to, an exploration of how thick descriptions of participant visual narratives was addressed is provided below. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 55 Comprehensiveness Comprehensiveness refers to the overall quality and breadth of data collection and analysis: interviews, observations, and interpretations. This was done through the memberchecking that occurred during the interview and interpretation process, quotations in the final written format, and peer reviews (Lieblich, 1998). Member-checking occurred throughout body mapping protocols, especially during the co-creation of the key. It was also conducted through sharing the narrative write up and summary of initial themes with participants. Coherence Coherence refers to the internal and external unity of stories found within interviews and body maps (Riessman, 2008). Coherence is relevant not just within narrative inquiry as a whole (Lieblich, 1998) but specifically to criteria of rigour within visual narrative analysis (Riessman, 2008) and body mapping analytic suggestions (Boydell, 2020). Internal coherence in this study was accomplished through member-checking and cross-checking between interview data, body maps, fieldnotes, and audio recordings. External coherence was assessed by referring results back to theories of sexual embodiment and purity culture. Verisimilitude Verisimilitude touches on how the study’s findings “resonate” with participants, particularly the quality of resonance. To determine this resonance, or sense of truth or feeling like what was real to participant’s was captured, member-checking as previously described was essential (Loh, 2013). Participants reported within the body mapping process resonating with reflections and descriptions of their key within the second section as well as in the memberchecking of their narrative write up and summary of initial themes. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 56 Positionality Positionality is a critical criterion for quality and rigour within feminist approach to research as it allows for critical reflection of research biases and positions of power or privilege within the research process (Code, 2014; Hesse-Biber, 2012; Wigginton & Lafrance, 2019). As stated within the researcher positioning section, the researcher had experiential familiarity with sexual embodiment and purity culture. The researcher made note of personal insights and reflections alongside the process fieldnotes. The researcher relied on academic supervision and key informants to ground the research in the lived experiences of people raised as girls, rather than potential researcher biases. Examining Difference and Contradictions Contradictions and differences were welcomed and examined (Bhavnani, 1993; Hall & Stevens, 1991). Body mapping visually highlighted contradictions that may not have been accessible in interviews alone through the layering of artistic symbols and imagery (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). Contradictions were examined specifically through the individual body maps as well as through thematic analysis. Rather than looking for uniform and universal claims about purity culture and sexual embodiment, contradictions between body maps, interviews, and maps were analyzed. The body mapping analytic process met the quality criteria within feminist research by welcoming these contradictions and differences. Contextual Truths Quality feminist research emphasizes contextual knowledge and truths (Bhavnani, 1993; Code, 2014; Hall & Stevens, 1991; Hesse-Biber, 2012). The body mapping exercises are relevant because they made contextual knowledge and experiences visual through the symbols and STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 57 imagery on participants body maps. Further, these symbols were not decontextualized from the research themselves and were contextualized through participants’ interviews and key. Relationality For the final feminist criterion, relationality was built from criteria for rapport and prioritizes participatory research and dialogue (Hall & Stevens, 1991). The nature of body mapping welcomes this in the first level of analysis through the co-created key. The key making process allowed the participant and researcher to build rapport and relationality with each other. Thick Descriptions With the limited information available on body mapping data analysis, information on quality and rigour in body mapping is also limited; individual studies rely on paradigmatic and analytic assumptions and strategies to guide criteria for assessing quality and rigour (Boydell, 2020). What has been made clear is that the quality and rigour of body map findings come from the data collection process and the visual data providing thicker descriptions (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). Within verbal inquiries, there is the potential to “rush” through the interview without a slower reflexive process. Body mapping encouraged this slower process. The use of body mapping not only allowed for embodied knowledge to “speak” but the longer time for reflection enabled participants to gain an embodied awareness that provided deeper reflexivity and thicker descriptions of their lived experiences and narratives (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012; Jager et al., 2016). These thicker descriptions were then memberchecked and cross-referenced with narrative inquiry criteria for rigour and validity of findings. Summary This chapter has articulated how narrative inquiry, feminist approach, and body mapping method was best suited to answering the research question, How do people raised as girls STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? An in-depth description of body mapping procedures, and narrative analysis have been articulated. Quality and rigour criteria for the trustworthiness of this study consistent with narrative, body mapping, and feminist research methods were also identified and described. 58 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 59 CHAPTER 4: RESULTS In the following chapter, narrative summaries for each of the five participants is provided from their interviews, body map, and key to give an overview of each participant’s unique story, history and context. After this, keys from each individual body map are provided. Finally, a description of themes found across body maps is provided. Within this study, narrative thematic analysis was used to examine content-related themes across multiple body maps. Narrative thematic analysis examines narrative content, themes, and patterns across multiple participants (Braun & Clarke, 2006; Riessman, 2008). This was relevant for examining oral and visual themes across participant’s interviews and body maps. The themes described encompass the impact of purity culture on people raised as girls as well as their lived experience of sexual embodiment today. It is important to note that participants chose their own pseudonym to be identified by and any identifying information within the interviews or body-maps have been censored or reconstructed to preserve participant anonymity. Claire Narrative Overview Claire (she/her) is a 28-year-old cis-gender pansexual woman. She is the youngest in her family and described her mom as White and “very religious” while her dad was from the Dominican Republic and “culturally religious,” raised Catholic. In her family, sex was rarely talk about and any questions or curiosities she had were shut down by her parents. All of her sexual education came from evangelical purity culture sex education videos (i.e. Passport 2 Purity)2. 2 Passport2purity is an educational series about peer pressure, sex, and dating presented by Evangelical organization Focus on the Family. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 60 Claire’s stories contained a lot of ostracization. While her family was Christian, most of her friends were non-Christian and these relationships made her feel stressed and nervous because she didn’t want to be seen as a “loser virgin.” Within Christian communities, she was ostracized due to not being fully White and was taught that the only correct version of sex is “the same perfect straight, heteronormative, white people version of sex.” Purity culture experiences continued throughout middle and high school. Claire felt pressured to date guys she didn’t necessarily like in high school. Her first sexual experience was when she was 19 and described the experiences as tight, rigid, and terrified: It felt like something was wrong with her. It took praying to God to both apologize for having sex and seeking reassurance from God about her decision before she was able to relax her body. When Claire’s brother came out as gay during this time, she saw how he got kicked out of youth group and was sent off to conversion therapy camps. This shut down her own experiences of being bisexual internally. She was only able to accept her own attraction to women years later; however, even when she began “sleeping with” women, there were still elements of stress and terror. Today, Claire does not describe herself as a Christian. She has been exploring ways of defining and expressing her sexuality in ways that feel comfortable and unpressured. Throughout the research interviews, Claire reflected on that while she is sexually active she is not sexually connected with herself. Her experiences from purity culture never encouraged or suggested a connection to the sexual body. This duality between sexual activity and sexual connection was present throughout her body map processing and symbols. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Body Map Key Figure 1 Claire's Body Map Note. This figure is an image of Claire’s completed body map as layered with her “flaps.” 61 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 62 Claire represented purity culture using symbols of a lantern in a cage; a wicker basket holding thousands of keys; a sign with a key on it; and two stop signs (see Figure J1). The lantern in a cage represent the contrast of light and dark, and the light being purity, how to have sex. The locks surrounding the lantern represented the “out of reach” nature of purity as well as how “unattainable” it is. The wicker basket is holding all the keys Claire has to attain purity. These keys are modern and old, although “most of them are old.” None of “obvious” keys work, and the keys that have not worked are placed in a pile next to the basket. To the right of the lantern and basket is a sign with a key on it. This sign represents the perfect and beautiful key that can attain purity. For Claire, the other keys in the wicker basket could look “gross,” but not this key. The sign and key represent doing “it” (sex) correctly. However, below the sign are two stop signs. Claire used these stop signs to show how while you are supposed to have done sex correctly, you are also supposed to stop: “Like you’re supposed to stop. But you’re also supposed to have done it correctly.” For Claire, purity was mainly defined by how to have good and right sex. Claire drew three versions of herself in relation to purity culture: slut-shamed Claire (see Figure J2); purity/sanctity Claire (see Figure J3); and relaxed Claire (see Figure J4). Initially she started off in a fetal position, drawn on the other end of her body map and further from her purity culture symbols, representing being passive and dormant and attaching “icky” and “unworthy” feelings to this position. However, throughout the body mapping process, she wanted to have different “flap” versions of herself. The initial traced out position became what was later her “purity/sanctity Claire” and was then used to retrace “slut-shamed Claire” on a separate sheet of paper. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 63 The slut-shamed version of Claire is placed at the bottom of the three flaps. It is the version of Claire that cannot achieve purity and is unachievable. Claire used red paper to represent the despair she felt and wrote the following words: “slut,” “whore,” “unlovable,” “shame,” and “wickedness.” Off to the side from her outline are black strips of paper with things that she can’t change about herself written on them in white—appearance-based things that make her sexual. She writes, “my hair, my eyes, my body all things I was born with and unable to change are bad…solidifies I am BAD. Solidifies at my core I can only change me to be ‘worthy.’” She also placed Jeremiah 1:5 to the right of these sheets of paper to show how “[her] appearance is what makes [her] a sexual person and yet it’s not [her] fault. [God] did this to [her].” There is also an all-encompassing sadness that slut-shamed Claire experiences, represented through the three tear droplets placed outside of the body. She placed the tear droplets behind her head to convey the all-encompassing nature of this sadness. Purity/sanctity Claire was placed on top of slut-shamed Claire and under relaxed Claire. Purity/sanctity Claire is the version of Claire that achieves purity; she is married to the perfect “Jesus boy” and is hot enough but not too hot. She is pretending but she is perfect. The halo placed on top of her represents being a saved Christian which for Claire is a key reason why this version is achievable. The words she placed on top of this version of herself is “fresh,” “sanctity,” “virtuousness,” “devotion,” “pure,” “cleanliness,” “valuable,” “fixable.” Below purity/sanctity Claire’s feet are two flames representing stress and denial. She did not want these placed on her body so as not to ruin the pure and perfect image of this body, so she placed them under her feet so that she could “stomp” on them, even though it would be painful. Unlike the other versions of Claire, Claire drew relaxed Claire in a more “neutral” position “because there is no right or wrong.” The words she used to describe this version was STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 64 “openness,” “re-evaluate,” “discovery,” “relaxed,” “playful,” “casual,” “enjoyable,” and “advocate.” The colours she chose for this version were intentionally lighter. Binoculars were placed off to the side of her outline to represent a sense of acceptance as well as the sense that “I can look.” She described a sense of excitement when describing the future and drawing this version of herself: “to be in a place where [she] can let [herself] discover what meets [her] needs, what [she] enjoy[s], and ultimately feels safe for [her].” Throughout the processing Claire had difficulty deciding which versions of herself to place on top or below the other “[she will] always go back and forth which is on top.” She also articulated that “there is no relationship” between the sexual body and purity culture and that her experiences of purity culture have always resulted in “two different people” (i.e. Purity/sanctity Claire or slut-shamed Claire). Towards the end of her second session, she drew three yellow hearts that connected each body map and version of herself. She described this as an “inner knowing,” trust, hope, and desire that each version of herself has had glimpses of knowing. She also stated that this allowed all three flap versions of herself to be evolving. Bryce Narrative Overview Bryce (she/her) is a 24-year-old cisgender bisexual woman. Bryce’s mom was a product of the Bill Gothard3 purity movement, and as a result, Bryce was brought up with these similar values. She learned to emphasize modesty above all else to avoid being a stumbling block to the men around her, going so far as to describe it as a “religious purity performance.” This however created a lot of body dysmorphia for her growing up. 3 Bill Gothard is an American Evangelical Christian Minister who founded the Institute in Basic Life Principles. His teachings played a key role within purity culture messages as his principles advocated for sexual abstinence until marriage and strict traditional gender roles. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 65 In addition to this, Bryce reports growing up with a narcissistic father. In her family system she was the perfect or “golden child.” At some point, her father stopped viewing her as a daughter and instead as a sexual object, resulting in increased amounts of “covert sexual affection” such as massages, parading her around to his friends, along with unwanted glances at her body. Bryce’s need to be perfect, being viewed as a sexual object, combined with purity culture narratives then fed into an obsession with, and protective function of, modesty. Bryce then went to school at a private Christian university and lived on campus. Bryce described how, for her, attending this school was “complicated”: “I was a bit of a problem [at school] in a sexual sense. In the secular world I was extremely like repressed. So, I think by my first year of university, my sexual body was shamed.” She shared how she would help other girls buy their first vibrators, and how her “big story” on campus related to how many guys she had made out with. In contrast, in more secular environments she was considered “repressed” due to “waiting for marriage” before having sex and not watching porn. By the time Bryce graduated there was a lot of shame that she felt she needed to work through. A lot of this came through friendships Bryce had with people who had more positive views on sex and sexuality. When Bryce had graduated and moved far away from her school and immediate family, she felt like she was in a more comfortable place with her sexual body. Bryce met her husband after moving. When they first started dating, she had to wrestle with whether or not to have premarital sex with him. Bryce fasted for a week so she could “solve this for [herself] and with God” before having premarital sex. She described the fasting process as both beautiful and natural, which helped decrease any shame in her decision. In moving back closer to home, Bryce is looking forward to her future with her husband and her relationship with her sexual body, especially as it’s connected to family and having children. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Body Map Key Figure 2 Bryce's Body Map 66 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 67 Bryce intended for her body map to have an open anatomical posture to capture the most area on her map. It was important for Bryce to create a beautiful body map, hence the use of nature and floral symbols across her map. She also used bolder colours and lines to visually draw attention to areas she wanted the viewer’s eyes to be drawn, and softer and lighter lines where she did not want attention to be drawn to. She also articulated that she wanted these bolder lines, free parts of herself, to define her sexual body and self as opposed to more restricted parts of her body from the past. In green, Bryce shaded areas of her body that she was told would provoke men: chest, hips, butt cheeks, and arms. Bryce defined these as “temptation zones.” She connected these areas to where covert sexual affection would be expressed such as unwanted glances or passing touches. She was intentional in using a lightly shaded colour to highlight that these are no longer provocative zones. Light orange was used to show areas of insecurity that Bryce does not like, her underarms, cheeks, and round face, because they make her feel childish and young (see Figure K1). Blue represented the physical items Bryce would use in the past to protect her purity, like a purity ring. Protecting her purity also included things that she could do to reduce her sexual body and therefore make her less sexual, including a minimizing bra and wearing baggy clothes. These areas were shaded lightly as they are areas that Bryce no longer tries to minimize and does not want to define her sexual body. In bold, Bryce used dark orange to draw things that she is now comfortable doing that evoke sexuality. These symbolize liberating thing for her like her IUD, high-heels, lipstick and makeup, tighter clothing, and accentuating her curves and butt with clothing or exercise. She highlighted how her IUD is not only about sexual protection but has been liberating as it gives STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 68 her the ability to be sexually active for pleasure rather than for having babies. Bryce’s lipstick and makeup were intentionally bold and are things she does for herself, rather than for someone else. In bold, Bryce drew tighter clothing surrounding her body outline to accentuate her curves. The sunflower in the center of her chest represents anxiety as the “emotion center of the sexual body” (see Figure K1). In particular, the black represents the epicenter of her anxiety. Anxiety has been important for alerting her to when a boundary has been crossed, and she intentionally placed the sunflower on her chest where she feels anxiety. Today, the sunflower also connects to where shame shows up in her body. Swirling out from the flower are lines that represent Bryce intentionally connecting with other people. The colour red was warm and bold to represent being the one person normalizing people’s experiences with sex. The blue colours used represented good vibes and Bryce’s intentionally seeking out opportunities to connect, as opposed to random conversations. The swirling was used to depict the nuances in conversations in different relationships. Bryce did not want these swirls to end, so she intentionally drew the swirls going off the page on her body map. Bryce put on her map a butterfly in the same place where she got a tattoo to represent a general sense of freedom and the courage to go on (see Figure K2). For Bryce, getting the tattoo was an intentional choice despite other people in her life not necessarily approving the tattoo. Bryce placed flowers around her uterus to depict the potential for growth and fertility (see Figure K2). Flowers were also placed on the nipples as a way of connecting to breasts for childbearing and giving life (see Figure K1). For Bryce, the breasts were connected to fertility and played a part in evoking a more erotic picture of the sexual body. Flowers were also placed STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 69 in the crotch area around the vulva and vaginal canal to represent romance and intimacy, in addition to symbolizing birth and new life. Bryce added a nose to make her body map look more human. She also added her hair as a part of making a beautiful sexual body but described her hair as an attractive part of herself that is not necessarily sexual (see Figure K1). Quinn Narrative Overview Quinn is a 21-year-old non-binary person (she/they). Quinn grew up in what they considered a non-Christian home and did not go to church, however they attended a private Christian school from preschool to grade 12. Purity culture narratives and experiences started young for Quinn. They have memories, as early as five years old, of being told that they were going to have children when they got older. Quinn was also sexually assaulted during elementary school, and this impacted their view of virginity early on: “I always felt like I was lacking something that other people had.” To cope, Quinn disconnected from their body and became more logical to mask their uncomfortable and emotional sides. As a result, Quinn only remembers bits and fragments of their elementary to high school upbringing. Other important purity experiences for Quinn included no front hugs, even for those close to her: “[They] felt wrong…especially being a queer person kind of cause it was like any kind of touch if you’re attracted to that gender is sexual.” Quinn felt and wrong for desiring touch from their friends. During high school, Quinn found purity narratives increasingly confusing. Sex was supposed to be pleasurable according to some and not to others. Sex was purely for making babies. Quinn was often left feeling unsure how or what to do about sex. What they learned from STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 70 their teachers was their opinions about what was and was not considered correct sex; anything outside the norm was shameful. Quinn found ways to assert themself and push against purty norms that they did not agree with. They debated with teachers, developing critical thinking and reasoning skills they now value. Quinn rebelled against the increased amounts of confusion and discomfort they experienced at school and came out as a lesbian. Their teachers and peers had long proclaimed “love the sinner hate the sin,” however, once they came out, Quinn received no support and lost everyone in her friend group, save one person. Upon graduating, Quinn flew across the country for university and was able to hear other people’s views more closely aligned to their own and vastly different from their private Christian school. Through key friendships and skills learned in therapy, Quinn learned new ways of relating to their self, their body, and sexuality. When they came back home, they then had to find new and creative ways to utilize these new thoughts and skills “in the original system that [caused] all the issues.” Quinn is looking forward to becoming more embodied and comfortable in their own skin; peeling back the layers of their dissociation with their body. They are still unsure whether or not they want a baby, as this make cause more disconnection for them from their body. In addition to this, Quinn is looking forward to exploring ways of being in their body that work for them and their long-term goals and hopes. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Body Map Key Figure 3 Quinn's Body Map 71 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 72 Quinn used blue to represent elements from their early upbringing. They drew a brain to represent how rationality played an important role in disconnecting themself from their body as well as masking the emotional (see Figure L1). This mind and body disconnect was essential for Quinn after their sexual assault when they were younger (see Figure L2). Quinn also drew ovals around their thighs to show where they would self-harm and express this emotional side of themselves. Middle school was represented in red, and Quinn used this colour to draw their stomach and uterus. Quinn described how, in middle school, they were quite anxious and had an “anxious tummy.” They were also starving themselves around this time and would mainly eat Tums to calm their tummy, depicted as little circles in the stomach. Quinn also drew a uterus to depict the bad menstrual cramps that they started experiencing in middle school. In purple, Quinn drew an airplane flying away near their head to represent going away after university (see Figure L1). It was here that their mind was opened. To represent this Quinn drew a bigger circle around their mind to depict this expansion. Another circle was drawn around Quinn’s stomach because during this time they were less anxious; they were able to “get away from old systems…and was able to like regulate [themselves] better.” They felt more of their dissociative fog, present throughout childhood, beginning to lift. They drew smiley faces near their shoulders to symbolize the changes in shifts in themselves in going to therapy. On their uterus, Quinn added an “unsure” face and question marks in the purple colour to show they were still unsure about their relationship to their uterus and menstrual cramps at this point in time (see Figure L2). In addition to becoming more embodied, Quinn described university as a time to explore their sexuality. They drew a rainbow near the airplane and gender symbols to indicate STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 73 their exploration of sexuality, including reintroducing the possibility of men outside the Christian environment they grew up in (see Figure L1). Pink represents Quinn coming back home and the time spent attending a local university. In pink, they drew a moth tattoo on their arm that was essential for representing increased levels of control over and comfort in their body. Around their brain, Quinn drew in pink layers of dissociative fog lifting. On top of their head, Quinn drew medication to represent the SSRIs they are now on to support themselves. They also drew arrows connecting to their stomach as both a literal connection to the medications being in her stomach, as well as the medication helping with her anxiety. Quinn also represented where they feel anxiety today, especially anxiety related to the past. They feel this anxiety in their in their lats and elbows. Quinn drew circles around these areas in pink. Quinn shared that during this time they have been getting more used to their uterus and had begun questioning symptoms from their youth. They are currently wondering if their cramps are connected to endometriosis. The name of the private Christian school that Quinn attended was written in teal and censored in the figure with jagged lines drawn below. The jagged lines symbolized Quinn’s experiences as hard and “not great.” They drew teal circles around their hands and brain to show what was good. Quinn described how they learned to become more embodied in their hands through their fine arts education. The circles placed around their brain was because they valued the critical thinking skills that they developed during their time at school. Quinn used navy to circle and highlight multiple areas that impact them today. They circled their hands due to feeling a connection to their hands and using them for expressing themselves creatively (i.e. crafting). They drew a circle around their body from their head to mid-body to show where they feel connected and most embodied today. Quinn described feeling STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 74 like they are still disconnected sexually; however, this sense of embodiment has been growing. They want to grow to become more embodied, however, they prefer that it remain contained to this circle outlined in navy for right now. Quinn also used navy to draw a cartoon hand on their uterus to represent the growing connection with their sexuality (see Figure L2). Quinn also circled their airplane symbol again but in purple to represent how talking with people about sex and masturbation when they moved away played a key role in their exploration and comfort with sex and sexuality. After reflecting and drawing about this connection in session, Quinn then drew a second hand on their uterus to represent a sense of “getting closer” to their body, specifically their sexual body. The orchid colour represents where Quinn wants to go, being fully embodied. Yet, as previously mentioned regarding the navy, they do not want to be fully embodied and connected yet. They also put a face with a tongue sticking out in the colour orchid on their uterus to represent feeling “amazing” and potentially wanting a baby in the future. Quinn used brown to represent the future. They drew a circle around their breasts to represent their desire to “reach a consensus with [their] chest.” They want to “just let them be,” however, this appears to be conflicting with other potential hopes like having a baby. Quinn was also concerned about whether having a child would disconnect them more from their body through increased chest dysphoria and dissociation. In brown, Quinn drew birth control near their head with an x crossing it out to symbolize the birth control that they currently are on, and yet the desire to get off birth control and not get pregnant. Quinn drew a circle around their body to represent wanting to feel more connected to their body. They described the kind of relationship they want to have with their body as “acknowledg[ing] [their] body in a way that’s more holistic” and less emphasis on perfection and more on function and health. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 75 Quinn drew a vibrator on the left below their hand and above the sheep symbol to represent masturbation and figuring out pleasure for themselves first before a partner (see Figure L2). In purple, Quinn drew another circle to represent the question about having babies, as well as the pressure imposed on them at a young age to have babies in the first place. Quinn drew a pansexual flag to represent their sexual identity. Quinn also chose to represent their relationship with their partner with a blanket, drawn as a square around their body. For Quinn, this represents a more comfortable, “snuggly” and mundane relationship, especially compared to past chaotic and stressful relationships. On the bottom left section of Quinn’s body map, they drew a “gay sheep” (see Figure L2). For Quinn this represented learning about queerness in nature for the first time, which helped them realize that being queer isn’t bad. They shared that they learned that “1 in 10 lambs are gay,” and this was a helpful counternarrative to her upbringing that claimed that being queer was unnatural. Finally, Quinn drew a cloud on the left of their map near their head to represent her mom as a “quietly supportive” relationship and like a cloud, “kinda just hanging around” (see Figure L1). Chris Narrative Overview Chris (she/her) is a 21year-old cis-gender demi-sexual woman. Chris grew up within a traditional Christian household: She attended church, came from a big family, and was homeschooled for the majority of her education. Permeating throughout Chris’s upbringing was the theme of protection. If Chris was with friends that were “less conservative” than her family, she was told by her family to protect herself from them. She described her family values as “put other people first: Value other people. If they do something wrong though, protect yourself and STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 76 pull back.” Chris was also required to protect others from herself. She remembers always having to cover up her breasts from a young age so as not to “lead people astray” or only being able to wear a tank top or shorts during the summer but never both, even around brothers. Chris knew from a young age that she was on the asexual spectrum which was at first a “morally good” thing, as she never understood why people were so obsessed with sex. However, she noticed the complications of asexuality and purity culture whenever people told her about how great sex will be for her and she still did not understand “why people are crazy about this.” When Chris was 16 years old, she began mentally deconstructing Christianity and shortly after, her views on sex changed too. What complicates Chris’s story is that while she left her previous church community when she was 19 years-old, she is still deeply connected with her family of origin where she is still pressured by their purity culture expectations. This includes pressure from her parents to be perfect and set an example for her younger siblings. Yet, “[her] older brothers can make mistakes, but [she] can’t.” She shared how her parents trust in her decision-making is still in relation to the male authority is in her life, in this case, her boyfriend. In spite of this, Chris has found relationships and communities outside of purity culture key to her exploration of herself and sexuality. She found another church and met similarly minded people where she could feel more comfortable talking about topics like sex and sexuality. Chris’s boyfriend has been a key connection and support, as well as his friends and family. She has been learning more about her sexual body too through her boyfriend. Through the emotional intimacy and safety of their relationship, she now identifies as demi-sexual and has been exploring new ways of experiencing her sexual self. In the future she is looking forward to understanding and communicating her wants and needs with her partner. She hopes to find ways to explore freedom away from her family while still staying connected. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Body Map Key Figure 4 Chris's Body Map 77 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 78 Chris’s body map is in a running posture, both running towards what feels good for her and running from past beliefs from her church and family. She described her feelings in relation to purity culture as “constantly” running from the past and towards other things. On Chris’s head, she placed things that were at the forefront of her mind (see Figure M1). The first that came to mind was placing a “yoga pose” image. Chris shared how she was taught not to do yoga, meditation, or create any sense of calm within herself. Where Chris’s brain would be, she placed the colours yellow and blue. Yellow represented the “positive” feelings in her head like happiness and joy, this was intentionally placed around the yoga image. She writes the words “strength” on this side as well to show how she has “a lot more mental strength when [she is] accepting [herself].” In contrast, she places blue opposite the yellow to represent the sadness and exhaustion she feels. Chris described the interaction between the yellow and blue as a fighting. This fighting creates a sense of confusion for her and symbolized the confusion she felt about the logic of purity culture narratives. Confusion was particularly present whenever Chris’s internal experiences, beliefs, or thoughts contradicted what she was told was true. The words “depression” are intentionally placed outside of Chris’s brain. However, upon closer inspection, the “n” in depression “creeps” into the brain on her body map. Chris did this to represent how depression can come in, has a way in, but it is not “living there” anymore: It’s “kind of there.” Music notes were placed near her mouth to represent the freedom and comfort she has found through music, and especially through singing. Chris was never taught to enjoy herself especially when she was alone. She placed an image of a woman alone in nature along with an image with the word “you” placed on each top. Chris described the process of learning how to be comfortable by herself still feels STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 79 uncomfortable. Around where Chris’s heart might be, she placed a photo of a couple on a beach. This represented all the happy and healthy relationships she has experienced after purity culture. Chris chose to black out her breasts to “cover” them. Chris connected this to how her body is responsible for other’s sin: “Existing in [her] body was causing other people to go to” hell. The vines of flowers were placed on the bottom of Chris’s breast representing an upcoming breast reduction. Chris is looking forward to the breast reduction as it will result in significantly less pain afterwards. For her, the flowers represent a sense of pride in herself, who she is, and all the ways she is growing. On Chris’s body map, she placed an image on her back of a campfire with people around it. This represents the freedom and comfort she now experiences with her boyfriend’s friends and family. Chris placed an image with the phrase “inner child healing” on her arm, specifically where she would self-harm (see Figure M2). She reflected on how there “was a lot of anger and confusion that [she] didn’t feel like [she’d] be able to express, so [she] had to take it out on [herself].” For Chris, healing her inner child has been a part of healing from purity culture. Also on Chris’s arm is a drawing of a pride flag, the words “accept,” and the asexual flag. She is currently unsure how to define her sexuality. For her, acceptance includes accepting her queerness even though she is in a straight-passing relationship. She also drew the asexual flag because acceptance also includes being on the asexual spectrum and experiencing sexuality differently than others do. On Chris’s fist, she placed an image with the word “motivation.” This included motivation to create a better environment for herself and to change “for the better” after purity culture. For Chris, motivation to change specifically connects to her breast reduction and the flowers underneath symbolizing her growth. Chris wrote the word “freedom” on her back to STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 80 represent the hope of emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial freedom resulting in “less weight on [her] back.” In contrast to the hopes that Chris has for the future, Chris feels the weight of anxiety currently, as represented by drawing a tiny weight on her ribcage (see Figure M3). This is where Chris experiences anxiety, as a pain in her ribs. She also connected this to the weight of perfection that she has experienced in the past. The numbers 444 have a dual meaning for Chris: protection and being protected. 444 is the angel number for protection. Growing up, Chris was taught that she needed to protect herself and that it was not okay to relax. In contrast, Chris now finds comfort in angel numbers and idea of being protected by a higher power. She shared how this idea of being protected allows her to relax and “let those walls down.” Chris wrote the words “learning” on her stomach to represent the learning and unlearning process of her wants and desires. For Chris, this has been important as she has been discovering more about her experiences of asexuality/demi-sexuality within her relationship with her boyfriend. Learning about Chris’s wants and desire then also connects to prioritizing herself, feeling calm, and being okay being alone as represented by other symbols on her body map. On Chris’s stomach, she placed an image with the quote “be a flame in a frozen world.” This quote stood out for Chris as it resonated with her current experiences of still being surrounded by the culture she grew up in. She often feels like “the only one awake” or “the odd one out.” The quote “be a flame in a frozen world” felt like a more positive spin on how Chris normally feels. She also placed a drawing of her tattoo on her body map where it is placed on her body: on her thigh. For Chris, getting the tattoo was an important moment in becoming more at home and comfortable in her body. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 81 The word safety is written on Chris’s leg to represent the emotional safety that she feels with her partner. This emotionally safe connection has been important for Chris as she has been experiencing sexual attraction for the first time due to the connection she feels with her partner. Chris placed not-quite-bloomed flowers on her legs where she would self-harm. She shared that self-harming was something she was not proud of in the past. Today, she is proud of these scars because they symbolize how much she has grown. Chris drew a Band-Aid on her leg to represent the covering up of physical and emotional scars from cutting. She has grown in accepting this as a part of herself, but she does not feel like others have accepted this part of herself yet and still experiences shame. Because of this, Chris does not feel like the Band-Aid is ready to come off. Chris drew a key on her knee to symbolize the freedom of eventually moving away from her family. On her map, she placed an image of a cabin in the woods with the word “serenity” written underneath. For her and her partner, buying a cabin in the woods represents feelings of serenity, peace, and relaxation. An image of the northern lights was placed on Chris’s map to represent how escapism and travel has helped Chris cope. Imagination and going to different places have helped Chris experience escape both physically and mentally. The northern lights were appropriate then as it is listed as one of her number one sights to see when she travels Chris placed an image of a signpost on her map with the words “heaven” pointing in one direction, and “hell” pointing in the other (see Figure M4). She placed this near her foot because it is not at the forefront of her mind right now, but it is still present in her life. She reflected on how the idea of heaven and hell connected to her running posture. Since leaving purity culture and old beliefs, Chris sometimes has the sense she is running towards the wrong spot (i.e. hell). STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 82 Chris represented her leaving Evangelicalism and her connections to family through a ball and chain. The ball symbolizes Evangelicalism and the chain connecting her to this ball has snapped. The chain represents for Chris how she “will never fully escape [Evangelicalism] because of [her] family.” Chris noted how it has been important for her to accept her family connection to Evangelicalism and not letting it weight her down. Chris wants to be “worry free” and a large portion of this relates to financial freedom. She represented this with an image of Kermit lying in a bathtub full of money placed on her foot. Financial freedom would allow her to make decisions about her health and well-being, moving away from her parents or getting medication for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Parker Narrative Overview Parker (she/her) twenty-seven year-old is a cis-gender pansexual woman. Parker is Dutch and grew up within a Dutch household and attended a Christian Reformed Church (CRC). For Parker, purity culture starts young and with the normalization of sexual abuse and rape within her family and church upbringing that she was not aware of at the time. Her household growing up was filled with sexual tension: Her mom was withholding sex from her dad, and her dad, in turn, was furious. Parker also faintly remembers the unspoken abuse occurring within her church and remembers being aware of women and friends of being sexually abused within her church. Parker grew up confused and disgusted by her own body growing up. She was unaware of what a period was until there was “blood in the toilet.” Once, Parker got excited as a young girl and experienced a pulsing in her body, similar to arousal. She bawled herself to sleep that night apologizing to God but she was not sure for what. She did not know that she had a pleasure organ until she was 19 years-old. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 83 Parker grew up in a fat body and remembers how fatphobia both harmed her physically yet and protected her in other ways. In middle school she had a series of back problems, however, her male Christian doctor only saw her fatness as the reason for her back problems and failed to see the underlying issues. His primary concern was making sure she would be skinny enough to get a husband. It was only until Parker developed an eating disorder and still in pain that her pain was believed. However, they had caught the root cause too late, and she still lives with the health consequences today. Parker’s internalized fatphobia also protected her in the sense that she was attracted to girls from a young age, yet experienced terror if she was close to girls. Her friend groups growing up were primarily male because “none of those men were going to sleep with [her]… because [she] wasn’t physically attractive…[she] wasn’t a threat because [she] was fat.” Internalized fatphobia protected her from the terror of being perceived as queer. After high school, pieces of Christianity and purity culture began falling apart for Parker. When Parker was 22 years-old, she had premarital sex with her boyfriend. At a summer camp a couple of years later, she was a lead counsellor and had a miscarriage, but she was left alone to miscarry her baby without access to healthcare. She was then shamed for working with children and having premarital sex. This was the last-ditch for Parker before leaving the church. Parker continues to live and struggle with chronic pain in the aftermath of sexual abuse and assault. Her default response is still to be focused on her male partners pleasure rather than her own. However, there has also been a profound sense of coming home to her body. She started dancing, which has connected her more deeply to her body than ever before. Parker is able to make more what she calls “value-based” decisions rather than “rule-based” decisions about her life and her body. She dreams of a future where she can explore her sexuality more freely and potentially have children who also can experience their bodies freely and fully. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Body Map Key Figure 5 Parker's Body Map 84 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 85 Parker represented her Dutch culture by drawing tulips, in bright multi-coloured splotches, on her head and chest area (see Figure N1). For Parker, this symbolized Dutch culture before World War II, when there was beauty, togetherness, and lightness. She intentionally placed the tulips starting from her head because the “beauty starts” from the top of her head. From the tulips placed on the head, Parker drew a canal with blue and green colours. This represented a collective path that was open and vast. For her, it symbolized a system that connects the entire community and is accessible to everyone. She was also intentional about adding white to this canal to represent the lightness and beauty in these canals. Afterwards, Parker placed tulips on the end of this canal re-emphasize beauty and togetherness. Parker layered black on top of the tulips and canal. For Parker, this symbolized the collective trauma and war that her family experienced. She noted how during the war, the men left to fight. Upon coming back, it was the women’s responsibility to increase the population and have babies. In doing so, the collective trauma for many women was the hierarchy of men controlling Dutch women’s bodies. Parker also described how these collective experiences were then compounded for those who immigrated from Holland to Canada as preserving Dutch culture became even more important for those who immigrated. All of the trauma her family and culture experienced, represented by black, blocked the collective path represented by the canal. This made its beauty and lightness no longer accessible. She described the desperation in wanting to get back to the canal: “there is no way we get back here, because the only way to get back…is to have tons of kids. And the way to have tons of kids, is to have control over women.” From the previous blockage to the canal, Parker then drew pathways out from the blockage as the “only way to get out.” She articulated how her Dutch ancestors wanted to get STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 86 back to the canal, but every path they tried was rooted in the blockage: trauma. To represent this, Parker made the black paths always loop back to the source and never reaching below the waist. It was deeply important for Parker to note these Dutch cultural roots because, for her, it symbolized “starting with where [she] came from…what’s been there all along.” On Parker’s hips she ripped an image of a bible verse apart (see Figure N2). The Bible verse chosen was Proverbs 6:29, “your faith will make it happen.” The ripping was intended to represent the disjointed feelings of sex and sexuality and placed them “where genitals would be.” Parker made sure to place the ripped word “it” where the vulva/vagina would be. Also surrounding the Bible verse were photos of couples on their wedding day. For Parker, this symbolized how “if you have faith and you do it [sex] right, this is what it will look like.” Parker then layered on the bible verse in black “steel rods” in her hips to represent no pleasurable movement. While drawing these, she made statements like: “you must be frozen,” “you can’t be an active participant,” or “you don’t move pleasurably.” Parker also noted how within the Dutch tradition, any form of dancing or movement was thought to lead to sex—and sex is bad. She then drew black lines across each rod, connecting across the hips, to represent that even when “it,” sex, happens it is meant to be constricted. For Parker, her feet represented how she “got away” (see Figure N3). Parker’s feet represented the multiple choices that she made, especially the realization and choice of “I don’t have to stay”: within church, relationships, rules, and beliefs. Parker’s feet also symbolized moving into new places (i.e. new perspectives, places, things, people) and how moving into these new places is what connected to goodness, they helped her “find colour again.” To represent this, Parker then drew tulips from the toes up to show the ways in which she had been able to re- STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 87 access goodness. Parker’s feet with tulips now placed on them represent how dancing and pleasurable movement has increased her connection to her body. Parker drew x’s on her hands to represent how she was not allowed to touch her body, reiterating that self-pleasure is bad (see Figure N1, N2). Parker even describes self-pleasure as scary. However, in moving the tulips up from the feet, she drew tulips to represent how goodness made a pathway to her hands again: as a “hope in our fingertips.” Her hands represented themes such as choice, autonomy, and opportunity for Parker. A womb was drawn on Parker’s map to represent a miscarriage that was a key deciding factor for her to leave purity culture (see Figure N2). She placed little black eggs to represent her eggs “stuck in the trauma loop.” She then used red to symbolize the IUD that “killed her baby” when she miscarried and circled one slightly larger egg to represent this baby. She used tulips on top of her baby to represent that her baby “got out” of the trauma loop. This was an important memory on her map because it provided Parker the motivation to get out of purity culture. Parker used grass to symbolize the grounded-ness and newness that she has found in leaving the church and purity culture: “They wouldn’t let us touch the ground” (see Figure N3) The grass had connections for her back to Holland and the green fields there. She shared how it is the “groundedness [she’s] been looking for all along” and in doing so the grass and tulips on the bottom of her map represent re-accessing beauty and groundedness. Parker placed a rainbow above her head, partially to represent her “not straight” sexual identity, but also to symbolize all the beauty, brightness, lightness, and goodness she has been able to explore (see Figure N1). She noted how the rainbow itself is a diverse spectrum of colours, just like sexuality, and with no rigidity. It was also important for Parker that “this rainbow is not here after a storm,” referencing the story of Noah’s ark. For Parker, goodness has STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 88 always been there, shining down on her, and has been her “birthright.” This symbolizes for Parker the idea that she has always been good but also reemphasizing a previous point of goodness starting at the top of her head. Parker placed little black birds both on top of her map (see Figure N1), by the rainbow, and at the bottom of her map, near her feet (see Figure N3). She shared how birds will tell other birds that they have made it safely. For Parker this extended across time. The birds at the top of her map represent birds accessing goodness and safety before she was born singing down to the birds at the bottom where she can access safety and groundedness now. Parker still lives with past and present general health and mental health diagnoses (e.g. polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), endometriosis, back and spinal issues, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), pain, dissociation). When asked to draw marks on her body, there was some initial resistance from Parker in not wanting to change her beautiful image. She compromised by drawing a haze around her body map: She drew it “lighter and a little bit away from [her] body, but around [her] whole body.” She also made sure that the haze did not block her connection from the ground or rainbow. This was important for her because her mental health and general health illnesses while they have been a source of pain and struggle, have not prevented her from accessing groundedness and goodness. Parker articulated that her strengths today come from her core, a “core knowing and belonging.” Her strength also comes from her head. She made sure to outline her head to highlight this strength. Parker’s head is important because it is a part of herself that symbolizes strengths that come from her brain like her emotions, pre-frontal cortex, Autism, and STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 89 hippocampus. Other strengths that she articulated within this prompt, but did not mark on her map was her voice as well as her vulva. Parker placed photos outside of her body to represent hopes in her future. She chose photos with images of pottery, crafting, or gardening to represent finding hobbies to do with her hands and slow herself down. She also put photos of women together to represent the complicated hope and grief she feels about never having a relationship with a woman: Hope because it is still a possibility, and grief because she is currently with a male partner who she loves. Within both the photos of her hobbies and the possibility of women there is a hope of experiencing more sexual freedom in her life. Other photos placed on her map include pictures of kids and family units. These family photos symbolize Parker’s grieving the loss of a sense of family within her own family unit, but also symbolizing the hopes she has for her kids in being more embodied. Throughout these photos she communicated a sense of getting to dream again. Thematic Analysis In this section, themes that emerged from visual narrative analysis across all participants body maps are presented. These themes emerged in two groupings, themes that speak to the impact of purity culture on people raised as girls as well as participant’s lived experiences of sexual embodiment today, post-purity culture. Impact of Purity Culture The first cluster of themes speak to the impact and lived experience of purity culture. For participants, the impact of purity culture exists across three themes: overwhelming emotions; confusion; and protection of the sexual body. In the following section, these three themes are presented and described. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 90 Theme 1: Overwhelming Emotions. Purity culture experiences left many participants feeling intense emotions such as disgust, despair, and shame due to unattainable purity culture ideals and the physical environments they were placed in. These intense emotional experiences created a profound sense of isolation and urgent need to escape purity culture for others as well. Overwhelming emotional experiences emerged for some participants in relation to purity narratives, specifically purity. In sum, purity was “unattainable.” For Claire, purity was based on what others told her what “good” or “right” sex was, largely based on White and straight understandings of sex. Yet, much of purity culture’s narratives consisted of conflicting narratives beyond her own control, such as her appearance. Claire described this as “if purity tells me how to have sex it’s so out of reach…It’s not my ability to be pure. That’s what’s unattainable.” The unattainable pressures from purity culture created feelings of despair, “shame,” and being “unlovable” for the version of Claire that could not attain purity, but also “allencompassing sadness” and “stress” for the version of herself that was “pure.” Other participants like Chris described the gender roles and expectations from purity culture as a “weight” symbolizing this on her map as well. The unattainable expectations of purity culture were impossible for participants to achieve, resulting in overwhelming emotions. Overwhelming emotions such as shame, feeling unlovable, and stress then related to how participants then experienced their sexual bodies. Because purity culture narratives emphasize the importance of purity, when the sexual self fails to achieve this purity, participants were left to turn to the sexual body as the culprit. Some participants described their sexual body with words like “shame,” “disgust,” and “despair.” When describing the body, Claire aptly writes “my hair, my eyes, my body, all things I was born with and unable to change are bad…solidifies I am BAD. Solidifies at my core I can only change me to be ‘worthy.’” For Quinn, the body was “too STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 91 emotional” and as such the mind was required to rationalize and “mask the emotional” sides of herself. This, in turn, resulted in other overwhelming emotions such as anxiety, as depicted through her symbolism of the stomach. The sexual self was overwhelmingly emotional and sensitive, leaving some participants feeling like they were bad and had to “mask” or restrict these “vulnerable” and “icky” parts of themselves. For other participants, the sexual body and self was not only overwhelming emotionally, but then physically as well. This manifested because of unsafe sexual contexts the sexual body was placed in as well as a lack of safety in the absence of sexual health and education. For Bryce, the body was a physically unsafe place due to the unsafe sexual contexts she was placed in at a young age: Anxiety “play[ed] a big role because like when someone [did] something that [was] covertly sexual and [she had] to decide whether [she would] react or not… [is she] going to cause a scene?” Over time, this resulted in intense feelings of shame and anxiety throughout her childhood. Or for Quinn, the absence of comprehensive sexual education surrounding pleasure and consent, meant that she was left from sexual assault experiences feeling like she was the one at fault. Overwhelming physical experiences also contributed to participants experiences of overwhelming emotions within the sexual body. As seen in the previous example from Quinn, the impact of such overwhelming experiences manifested physically through stomach issues and self-harm. Unlike other participants, Quinn’s body map highlighted both overwhelming emotional experiences as well as the physical impact of purity culture. When drawing bodily changes in their body (i.e. their anxious stomach and uterus) over the course of middle and high school, Quinn reflected on how a lack of education around puberty, hormones, and normal versus abnormal pain created painful experiences. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 92 I’m wondering how much of kind of ignoring my super bad symptoms in my youth have led to like cause…I sometimes, I wonder if I have endometriosis every once and a while…and it’s not just period cramps…I was so young. Most people just thought I was like an anxious kid…I think I disconnected from that… Not only did the absence of sexual education in her youth prevent her from understanding her body and pain then, it continues to impact her physical body today. Overwhelming emotional experiences created the need for many participants to distance themselves from the overwhelming experiences in their sexual body. This was seen, as previously mentioned, in Quinn’s rationalization to mask the sensitive body. Or for Chris, her life is still immersed within purity culture. Distancing herself from the overwhelming experiences of emotions looks like the desire to physically distance from purity culture and “escape.” This was shown in Chris’s map through a running posture, her motivation to change, and use of escapism as a coping strategy. She has had the motivation to change and has done so by leaving her church and changing beliefs. Her ball and chain, symbolizing her connections to evangelical beliefs has snapped. However, due to her connection to her family, purity culture is a present force in her life due to her family connections. The impact of this are feelings such as “exhaustion” and “overexertion”: “I feel like, eventually I’ll get to a walk, but still like. Almost overexerting myself to get to the places I want to be…like I have to run, I can’t just take my time…can’t stay where I am.” In addition to this, since moving away from purity culture, Chris often feels like the “odd one out” and “still so surrounded by the culture [she] grew up in.” She feels both isolated yet surrounded. So, while purity culture created overwhelming emotions for some participants, for participants like Chris, even leaving purity culture creates overwhelming emotional experiences such as isolation. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 93 The emotional scars of purity culture manifested as despair, shame, and anxiety for participants. Emotional experiences emerged because of unattainable purity narratives, unsafe sexual contexts, and incomplete sexual education. Additionally, even when participants tried to distance from these overwhelming emotions—through disconnection of the sexual body or leaving purity beliefs behind—they were still left with other emotions such as isolation. Theme 2: Confusion. Confusion emerged for participants in two key ways. First was confusion related to contradicting purity narratives and trying to make sense of these narratives. Second, was an internalized or “embodied” confusion due to purity culture narratives and experiences. Purity narratives created confusion for participants that were evident throughout the storytelling and body mapping process. Narratives included the promise of purity, yet the impossibility of ever feeling like you have achieved purity; Claire described doing “it” [sex] correctly and yet having sexual movement and exploration restricted; or being told to value their appearance because “God made [them]. [They’re] so beautiful…[they] should embrace it. [They] should love it…but [you] can’t, cause [they] told me that it’s wrong.” While many participants had been able to verbally express confusing and contradicting purity narratives, these messages were further elucidated and explored through the body mapping process as participants could now see the contradictions visually. Participants visually engaged with confusing purity narratives in different ways. For Claire, she commented on how “purity could’ve been attainable and technically was obtained…technically I did it. So why was it so stressful? And feeling so, like I hadn’t made it. I never made it. But I made it.” A specific concept that two participants, Parker and Claire engaged with is the idea of doing “it” (sex) correctly. Yet Claire pointed out how she needed to not “find STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 94 people attractive, and yet find one attractive man” in order for sex to happen. Similarly, Parker explored how in order to have sex: Your faith will make it happen but you cannot be that…you must be frozen. You can’t be an active participant. Your hips cannot move. Your legs cannot move. You don’t move pleasurably. Like, that leads to…like in the CRC church…dancing leads to sex and sex is bad. Um. And so also this like aspect of like the only way to get pregnant to do the thing is to like somehow move my hips a bit, but also I’m not allowed to cause it’s like sex. It’s disgusting…but in order to make it happen. Someone has access to here (gestures to pelvis) but I’m not allowed to move. Don’t have access to it. But I have to move in some way… Purity narratives suggested the possibility of purity and doing sex correctly. However, once explored, there appeared to be no way to achieve purity, resulting in confusion for many participants. Confusion surrounding purity culture also extends beyond when purity culture occurred. Parker also expressed confusion in trying to describe the nuances of healing from purity culture. In returning to the hips in the body mapping process, she began drawing tulips over top of her hips, an area previous covered in black with ripped up bible verses and black rods: I’m getting emotional because it’s a…I thinking through it all I still had a hope. There was not hope but almost like a. Something’s missing. You know I can’t make sense of it. I can still see pockets of colour. Yeah, like, not that they cover up the harm or take it away, but they actually get to come in…the colour came after. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 95 Even while Parker was coming to a consensus about her relationship between the pain caused by purity culture and the rediscovery of inherent goodness, the process itself and articulating these nuances was confusing. As shown through Claire and Parker’s maps, purity narratives are contradicting and confusing. Even when represented visually, participants were left confused as to how the promises of purity were ever supposed to be attained. Further, for participants like Parker, the nuances of harm and healing held together are also confusing when explored visually. Body mapping revealed the ways in which both the harm from purity culture and the healing process are nuanced and at times hold contradictions. Finally, confusion was not only experienced in relation to purity culture, but in relation to the sexual body; embodied confusion. This emerged from two participants’ maps. The first example was apparent in Claire’s disjointed relationship with her sexual body. For Claire, confusion was present throughout her body mapping and is seen through the disintegration of the body maps (i.e. sanctity Claire, slut-shamed Claire, relaxed Claire). Throughout the body map process there was confusion surrounding “who goes on top” and how each map relates to the other. Claire reflected how she will “always go back and forth which is on top.” Disintegration and separation of versions of oneself is confusing. Second, for Chris, confusion was presented as an embodied and emotional experience onto her map: an embodied confusion. For Chris this was depicted by the interacting yellow and blue colours in her brain, representing a battle between peace, happiness, and joy and then her sadness and exhaustion. She described their interactions as a fighting and expressed that the fighting itself creates confusion: She felt “like it kind of represents the confusion…constantly in STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 96 my brain.” Confusion for Chris is an embodied feeling of fighting between what feels good and what she is told, with intense repercussions of heaven or hell if she gets it “wrong.” Confusion emerged through participants experiences of articulating opposing purity narratives as well as in the ways confusion became embodied. For some, the body mapping process itself was confusing and revealed how turning to the body and acknowledging its impact was confusing. Others, articulating the disintegration that occurs from purity culture, or the integration of pain and goodness afterwards is difficult and confusing. Or for participants like Chris, confusion is an embodied experience and an exhausting and heavy battle to fight through. Theme 3: Protection of the Sexual Body. The third theme that emerged from body maps was characterized by participants protecting their sexual bodies across time. In the past, participants described protecting the sexual body through perfectionism, controlling their appearance, as well as through disconnecting from their body. The body mapping process itself revealed ways in which the sexual body and self still required protection. Participants found new and creative ways of protecting the body through symbols and imagery. As the body experienced overwhelming emotions and confusion related to the sexual body, protection of the sexual body was needed. Many participants did this through disconnecting from the body and controlling the body. For Quinn, protecting the sexual body showed up as dissociation. As previously mentioned, Quinn experienced a sexual assault at a young age, and as a result does not remember much of their childhood. They often described this dissociation as a “fog” as well as a way for them to “mask” their more sensitive and emotional side: I can’t…I can’t remember how I felt in my body. I can remember like small bits and pieces of what other people have told me. And I remember some things of what I did. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 97 Like I remember shovelling back tums, and gravel and stuff. But, I don’t like remember remember it. Like I can’t really picture it. It has only been in recent years that she has been able to slowly feel what they called the “dissociative fog” lifting. The dissociation and disconnection from the sexual body depicted by Quinn on their map and in the process of body mapping reveals how protecting the sexual body via disconnection helped protect the sexual body and self from the overwhelming emotions of sexual assault, along with protecting their more emotional and sensitive side. For two participants, protection of the sexual body also includes controlling the sexual body. For Chris, protection of the sexual body in the past looked like perfectionism and control. She symbolized the weight of perfectionism through a weight around her ribcage which was connected to emotions such as anxiety. For Bryce, protection of the sexual body and self emerged strongly through the need to protect the sexual body with baggy clothing. She described the areas she would cover as “vulnerable” and were parts of herself that made her feel “childish” and “young.” Controlling the sexual body through perfectionism and how the sexual self is perceived, through modesty, provided ways for these participants to actively protect their bodies against unsafe family environments and their accompanying overwhelming emotions. Needing to protect the sexual body extended from the past into the future for participants like Chris and Bryce. Chris experiences the pressures to be perfect within her family system due to purity-related gender roles, which still plays a role in her relationships today. She described how she feels a pressure to be perfect in her relationships “so that they’ll still want to be with [her].” Being perfect then protects her sexual self from being abandoned or lonely within her family system. Protection of the present sexual body and self was present through pressures to be perfect as well as through the intentional expression of the sexual body. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 98 Protecting the sexual body was evidenced through images and experiences of the sexual self and body being absent on body maps. Bryce’s body map served a protective function for both the past, present, and future experiences of the sexual body. She protected her body through the creation of a “beautiful” body map. Bryce intended for the bolder lines, representing the freer parts of herself, to define her sexual body. However, she did not want elements that connected to the erotic on her body map. She stated that, “the erotic body is more carnal. But the sexual body is more grounded.” As such, on her body map, there is the absence of a vibrator because she “didn’t want to put crass things on it.” Protection was also present in the absence of certain symbols or imagery on her map. In one key moment during the first body mapping session, Bryce was describing how she initially did not want to draw elements of more overt sexual touch from her dad on her map, such as an image of eyes looking at her breasts or shading around her thighs where he would give “glute massages.” However, throughout the process and by checking in with Bryce, she expressed that she did not want to draw any more of those kinds of images onto her map: “I’m so protective of this image.” Bryce’s map highlighted how controlling how the sexual body is defined and expressed was important for protecting the sexual body from present overwhelming emotions. For Bryce, protection also emerged in protecting the future self. She wanted to continue to define and express her future sexual body as beautiful. She shared the hopes she has for her future body as it shifts in relation to her relationship with her husband too: The way I dress and present myself will change. And he [her husband] is attracted to my sexual body when he sees like deflated breasts from child feeding, it’s not going so much be associated with um perky breasts you’ve seen on tv, but like, “that’s so sexy. You’re my wife. You’re the mother of my children. That is so sexy. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 99 She wants to carry this hope into the future and to channel sexual energy instead of the defeat she often sees portrayed or experienced by aging women around her. In doing so, Bryce protects the sexual self from overwhelming feelings of defeat by creating a beautiful sexual body image and controlling how the sexual body is perceived. In summary, protection of the sexual body and self emerged as a process that extends across time. Participants showed how they would protect their sexual body in the past through perfectionism, dissociation, and baggy clothing. It also emerged as a present need as participants, like Bryce, found creative ways in the body mapping process to protect the sexual. Protection was also projected into the future for Bryce by thinking of the sexual body in terms of its connection to family rather than defeat. Experience of Sexual Embodiment Today The second cluster of themes encapsulate the lived experiences of participants and their sexual embodiment today. Experiences of sexual embodiment after purity culture spanned across three themes: barriers to embodiment; desiring and attempting embodiment; and healing. Theme 4: Barriers to Embodiment. Some research participants described current barriers to experiencing embodiment, such as dissociation and body dysphoria. In addition to this, contradictions within the body mapping and interview process revealed ways in which the sexual body and self was still in need of protection and posed as a barrier to connection today. Many of the protective factors needed within purity culture emerged as barriers to embodiment in research participants’ attempt to connect with the sexual body. Quinn’s map and story revealed how dissociation and chest dysphoria inhibited their current experience of their sexual self and body as well as how they imagine their future. Quinn described their curiosities STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 100 about having a baby in the future, and yet were ensure about making that decision due to the increased amounts of disconnection or chest dysphoria it may bring up in their body: So this is something that I um why I’m kind of like “Oo do I want to have a baby?” Cause babies make your boobs big. So. Um. That’s where the like she/they pronouns come in, cause like. I do have a bit of dysphoria around my body. But, yeah. So it makes it difficult to feel fully comfortable…in sexual scenarios when my chest is part of like… cause obviously lots of guys like boobs. So. (laughs) It’s like how do I feel fully embodied when I’m not fully comfortable with that part of myself? So, I have a love hate relationship with my chest…So that ties into like, maybe a baby, maybe not. For Quinn, their chest dysphoria, while a protective factor within purity culture, is now a barrier to further connection with their body as well as a barrier to how they may or may not experience their sexual body in the future. Barriers to sexual embodiment can also include contrasting ways of defining and engaging with the sexual body. Research participants would say they define or engage with the sexual self in one way due to wanting to distance themselves from past purity culture ways of relating to the sexual body. However, they would sometimes define or engage with the sexual body in a contradicting way. In doing so, barriers reveal the ways in which the sexual self or body may be defined in one desirable way, yet engaged with in another. For example, Bryce was intentional about not placing images that she considered associated with the “erotic” or “carnal” sexual body on her body map because, in purity culture, “everything is erotic.” Accordingly, there are noted absences on Bryce’s map, vibrators or accentuated breasts and curves, that have connotations for Bryce of the erotic. In contrast, the erotic emerged through her symbols of fertility in her uterus and breasts. She then connected these symbols of fertility, childbearing, and STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 101 pregnancy with the erotic. These contradictions reveal the ways in which research participants, after purity culture, assert agency over their sexual self by defining and exploring their sexual body in one way, yet engage with their sexual body in other contradicting ways. For example, Bryce desired to distance herself from the erotic and its connections, for her, to purity culture. And yet, there were key elements of the erotic within her story, absent on her body map, as well as symbols that emerge in more subtly, revealing hidden or undiscovered ways of relating to the sexual body. This theme underscores the challenges and barriers to embodied connection that participants face after leaving purity culture. These challenges prove to be difficult for participants both within day-to-day experiences as well as in imaging their future. In summary, barriers to embodiment emerged from participant body maps as past protective factors of the sexual. Barriers like disconnection and chest-dysphoria revealed how these past protective factors are currently barriers to the sexual body. Barriers to embodiment also emerged through contradictions, revealing the ways in which the sexual body continues to be engaged with in protective disembodied ways. Theme 5: Desiring and Attempting Embodiment. After purity culture, the research participants described wanting more embodied connections. In desiring more, they searched for more embodied connections and found ways of relating to and connecting with the sexual body. The dual process of desiring embodiment and attempting embodiment revealed the ways in which participants experience the in-between of desiring to experience more embodied connection while still experiencing barriers to embodiment. While participants described desiring embodiment within their body map process, only one participant, Quinn, showed desiring embodiment as a separate theme consistently and visually on their body map. For Quinn, layers of choices and experiences, like leaving home for STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 102 university, increased embodied connections through key relationships, exploring and talking about self-pleasure with others, as well as feeling more connection to their body in general. New embodied connections then facilitated an increased desire in Quinn for sexual embodiment. New experiences, whether from interactions with others or with the sexual, reveal possibilities for connection with the sexual body. Desiring more connection also comes from a place of having experienced and continuing to experience disconnection. For example, in Quinn’s body mapping process, they drew lines surrounding where they felt connected to their body in the past, present, and future. These lines revealed the ways in which Quinn presently does not feel like they are “fully embodied.” Throughout the process, they described wanting more connection to their sexual body in contrast to where they currently experienced connection. A desire to connect with the sexual self and body was also seen in Bryce’s intentionality in performing new embodied actions. Her body map revealed a deep desire for embodied connections in her multiple attempts at embodiment through reaching out for connections and asserting boundaries. For her, these were in direct contrast to the ways in which she grew up within purity culture. However, the accompanying internal processes Bryce experienced from these actions were more closely aligned with previous themes of overwhelming emotions—purity culture may still be “embodied.” For example, in Bryce’s map, asserting boundaries was a novel way of relating to herself. For her, it was associated with a “growing site” associated with embodied connection: Which is why it’s like a growing site. Not like uh, I didn’t take a like a black pen and say like this has always been a barrier for me in my sexual body. It has been a guide. And STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 103 when I have a [right] marker, it’s also a green means go indicator. “No red flags, ok! Thank you! No red flags!” Yet Bryce’s symbolism depicting boundaries was rooted within anxiety, what she described as “the emotion center” of the sexual body, rather than an agentic sense of self. She described how anxiety played an important role in discerning what feels good in the sexual body by the absence of “red flags.” In this example, intentionally attempting embodiment is seen through asserting agency and boundaries alongside her barriers to embodiment—anxiety. A couple of participants attempted embodiment in unintentional ways within the body mapping process itself. In doing so, they revealed in the moment new ways of engaging with the sexual body. This emerged in Bryce’s case as including “more human” symbols on her body map. Throughout the sessions, Bryce typically used more utilitarian descriptions of her sexual body: “Nipples are for babies and others.” Bryce attempted a new way of connecting to the sexual body in non-utilitarian ways by drawing non-sexualized hair and nose to make her map “more human.” Attempting embodiment was also seen within Claire’s body mapping process. Claire’s body map was marked by her separated body maps representing disconnect between different parts of her sexual body. Yet, towards the end of the process, yellow hearts were drawn to depict a sense of connection and a “trust” or “knowing” between all maps. She verbally described the newness associated with drawing connections between her maps, attempting embodiment: Um, yeah, like a combination of…sex and purity culture…I don’t think purity culture ever made me feel like choosing myself was an option, especially like there’s so much stigma around single or like even if you’re not emotionally ready to be in like partnered or like mentally healthy enough to be like partnered. It’s just like this forcing of like you STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 104 have to be partnered and there is not really space to just love yourself and trust yourself and decide what you actually want for yourself. And then, so each of these [yellow hearts] is kind of like I get to feel like an inner knowing. A trust. A hope. A desire. And like something that connects each version to each other. This revealed how attempting embodiment can occur for people after purity culture in spontaneous ways, even when their stories appear marked by disconnected ways of engaging with the body. Claires experience illustrates the complexity of journeying back to embodied connection with the sexual body after purity culture. The theme of desiring and attempting embodiment reveals the ways in which participants engage with both desiring embodiment and still experiencing barriers to embodiment because of purity culture. Desiring embodiment was revealed through Quinn’s explicit descriptions of wanting more embodied connections. It was also highlighted within Bryce’s intentional attempts at embodied actions. However, barriers to embodiment, prevented participants from experiencing embodiment in less disrupted ways. Moments and glimmers of connection were found though in a couple of participants’ unintentional attempts at embodied connections. While research participants may still have experiences of disconnection to the sexual body, there is still the potential to experimentally engage with novel ways of relating to the sexual body and self that bring a newfound sense of agency to the sexual body. Theme 6: Healing. All participants described a sense of healing after their experiences in purity culture. For some participants, themes of healing were woven in multiple ways throughout their stories, whereas for other participants fewer themes of healing emerged from their body maps. The theme of healing has three subthemes: acceptance, comfort, and safety; freedom, choice, and autonomy; and engagement with goodness and difficulties. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 105 Acceptance, Comfort, and Safety. Most participants revealed themes of healing by depicting symbols of safety, acceptance, and comfort with their sexual body. After years of experiencing the overwhelming emotions related to purity culture, navigating years of confusion, and needing to protect the sexual body, safety is needed to experience connection to the sexual self and body again. Parker described this safety across time through the symbolism of birds from up above her in the past singing down to the birds at her feet below and in the present: So the fun thing about birds is that when birds are singing in the morning, birds sing to tell other birds they like safely made it through the night. And birds will not sing unless it’s safe. So…birds chirping and actually singing together, it’s a sign of safety. It’s a sign of we made it, we made through the night. We’re back together again. Um, we have survived. And so, I think that is also a piece is, I wanted to have birds at the top, they’re singing to birds who are down at the bottom who are singing as representation of like there’s safety now. And, actually leaving purity culture has brought a level of safety…From the top, which is like before times, before my time…we’ve made it, you made it. There’s like a level of safety there now… Like, and the birds are chirping and are telling each other, and are singing in the morning to like remind us that we’re safe. We made it. We’re together. Safety within the sexual body is also crucial as it enables the sexual self to engage with difficulties. In doing so, when pain or damage comes to the sexual body “there is still safety.” Purity culture also created the need for queer participants to hide or restrict pieces of their sexual or gender identities. Healing from purity culture included an acceptance of more expansive definitions of sexuality as related to personal experiences of sexuality. Both Chris and Quinn drew explicit symbols to depict acceptance of their queer identity (i.e. pride, asexual, and STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 106 pansexual flags on body maps, the word “acceptance”). For Quinn, they were discouraged early on that being queer wasn’t “natural.” They used a sheep to depict how learning about gayness in nature was crucial to accepting this part of herself. In Chris’s body map, acknowledging how she experiences her sexuality differently than others has been crucial to understanding and experiencing her demi-sexuality. Acceptance of queer identity was a crucial element within these participants healing process. Increased safety and acceptance of the sexual self and body then facilitates increases in a sense of calm and comfort. For Chris, being calm contrasted with her purity upbringing that told her that it was not okay to have a sense of calm within herself or even in being alone. She drew a yoga pose to connect to this growing sense of calm with herself saying “I am okay, I can relax.” In Chris’s body map, the connections between comfort and relaxation also became apparent. For people who grew up within purity culture, relaxation is not allowed. Chris articulated that relaxation was not because she always needed to protect herself from others and others from herself. Healing for Chris has looked like an increased acceptance of and comfort with herself. In turn, she has been able to experience increases in relaxation. She used the symbol “444” to show how she is now protected by a higher power, one that brings a sense of calm, and so she can relax: I find a lot of comfort in like, knowing there’s still like a higher power whether it’s like god or some sort of other being, which I still [identify as] Christian...So I feel like there’s still some of that comfort in knowing that I’m being protected. Experiencing relaxation has then enabled her to imagine and plan for more calm and relaxation in her future (i.e. cabin in the woods image). STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 107 Chris’s map reveals the interconnected nature of calm and comfort with the body and relaxation. Within purity culture, people raised as girls are taught that the world and their very bodies are an unsafe place—hence the overwhelming emotions, confusion, and need to protect the sexual body. Only once a certain level of comfort with the sexual body occurs, relaxation and even “confidence” can enter the sexual body. Or, for Claire, relaxation only occurred within her body when there was less emphasis on “right” or “wrong.” Once this occurred then other key words such as “openness,” “discovery,” “re-evaluate,” “playful,” “casual,” “enjoyable,” and “advocate” could be described. Relaxation, comfort, and safety are crucial elements to healing the sexual body before other key elements of healing can emerge. Freedom, Choice, and Autonomy. The freedom, choice, and autonomy subtheme emerged as a collection of interrelated experiences experienced by participants after leaving purity culture. Freedom emerged as the freedom to learn and express the sexual body in contrast to the restriction within purity culture. Often, freedom led to new discoveries surrounding connections to the body in relation to what feels good, relationship preferences, and selfpleasure. From here, as increases in freedom led to new discoveries and connections with the body, new choices and ways of creating autonomous experiences for the body emerged including sexual health and safety, advocating for wants and needs, leaving home, or imagining the future. For participants, there wasn’t a key choice or moment that suddenly enabled them to have the freedom to make new choices. However, these experiences occurred over time: subtly for some, and more sudden for others. For Claire, these transitions shifted and changed over time, and for both Bryce and Quinn key transitions included moving away from home and school. Still for participants like Parker, while there were multiple experiences that had begun to shake her experiences within the church and purity culture, having a miscarriage was a key turning point STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 108 within her story. Or, for Chris there have been a couple of subtle shifts over time, yet there is this sense of waiting to move out in order to experience a final or hoped for shift that will bring freedom. However freedom was achieved for participants, this newfound freedom provided an ability and permission to explore previously forbidden aspects of their body: Claire described this freedom by expressing, “I can look.” Being allowed to “look,” explore, and learn about the sexual body and self then enabled participants to explore different and important facets of their sexual body. One domain that some participants described as key to exploring their sexual self more freely was through finding what feels good in their body. Both Parker and Quinn portrayed this on their maps through the experiences of self-pleasure. Parker depicted self-pleasure through her hands and Quinn drew a vibrator on their map. Both depicted and described the learning process that occurred in this area. For Parker, this was marked by an absence of terror of pleasure in her body and ability to have an orgasm: I [thought] for years and years I was broken, didn’t orgasm. And it's like you really can’t typically release an orgasm when you’re unsafe and terrified… 24/7 and were dissociating every time you have sex. Yeah, how do you think that’s going to happen when you’re done? Shaking, holding my knees for hours after, like…This feeling of now being like, “Oh, there’s actually like so much safety here.” Or for Quinn, the learning process involved in self-pleasure as well as being exposed to people in university who were more comfortable talking about topics like masturbation. Exploring, learning, and experiencing self-pleasure was a common experience participants explored after purity culture. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 109 More broadly, Chris engaged with discovering what feels good through exploring yoga and being by herself. She described these experiences as bringing a sense of calm, happiness, and joy. Not only was finding what feels good essential to Chris’s freedom and self-discovery but it also revealed a hidden strength within her sexual body: “[She] feel[s] like [she] definitely [has] a lot more mental strength when [she is]…accepting [her]self.” What feels good can also be expanded to relationship preferences. In purity culture, girls are not allowed to understand or know about any relationship preferences and for Quinn what has been freeing is realizing her need and desire for slower and less chaotic relationships. This theme reveals the ways in which purity culture restricts and forbids any exploration of what feels good for people raised as girls. Purity culture is marked by the absence of discovery or discussions surrounding what feels good. It can even go so far as to restrict and forbid any forms of feeling good as it relates to a sense of agency and autonomy within the sexual self as well as prohibiting access to parts of the sexual body that are a strength, or relationships marked by less anxiety. For other participants like Bryce and Quinn, freedom emerged as the “freedom” to express the sexual self as well as “comfort.” For both participants, tattoos on the body map symbolized tattoos on their own body that have been key symbols of freedom from purity culture. In doing so, their body maps reveal the way that having the freedom to make choices about the sexual body in more permanent and expressive ways, such as tattoos, brings about further connection to the sexual body. For people raised as girls within purity culture, these new experiences of connection to the sexual self and body then allow for more agency and autonomy. Due to purity culture initially restricting people’s ability to experience connection to their bodies, the ability to make STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 110 embodied choices is also a new experience. Because of this, the very process of negotiating wants and needs is new. Participants like Quinn have been learning how to navigate sexual health and safety by negotiating wants and needs for protection, especially finding out which methods of birth control they prefer. Or for Parker, in having the freedom to explore self-pleasure she is now able to experience more increased autonomy in advocating for more pleasurable experiences with herself and her partner. Having this newfound freedom, and ability to make attuned and embodied choices brings an ability to “advocate” for the sexual body in agentic ways. Finally, freedom was marked by participants’ ability to plan for and dream about their future more in tune with their wants and needs. Purity culture narratives provide little choice and agency for people raised as girls as their only expectation is to get married and have babies. Quinn and Parker they described ways in which they want to negotiate their sexual body needs and wants alongside future goals. For Quinn, this means re-examining whether she wants a baby within her future. Or for Parker, “[she] get[s] to dream” and slow down: “In order to survive [her] whole life, [she] had to be the smartest, be the quickest, be the whatever, and [she doesn’t] wanna do that anymore.” For her, a life after purity culture involves prioritizing slowing down and hobbies for herself. The ability to dream is not restricted just to those who feel like they have completely “left” purity culture. The freedom to explore and dream into the future is still a possibility as shown by Chris. On their map they consistently dreamed of the financial freedom and freedom of moving out would afford her and her body as a weight off her shoulders. The subtheme of freedom, choice, and autonomy highlights participants experiences of healing from disrupted embodiment within purity culture. Increased experiences of choice and freedom enabled participants to have further experiences of freedom and autonomy. For some participants, this freedom and series of choices was gradual, whereas for others it was a more STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 111 pronounced turning point. New experiences included exploring self-pleasure and new relationship preferences. Increased autonomy then enabled participants to make more informed choice about their sexual body in attuned ways. Engagement with Goodness and Difficulties. An element of healing from purity culture involved the discovery and re-accessing of the core goodness of the sexual body. Goodness was then integrated as a way of connecting with the sexual self while engaging with and accepting difficulties with the sexual body. This subtheme emerged mainly from Parker’s body map and was also present in Chris’s body map. As previously discussed, one of the themes from this study was the overwhelming emotions associated with purity culture. These experiences were marked, for participants, by suffering that the sexual body had to endure, often alone, and then protect. For Parker, she was left with fragments of the pain she experienced and continues to experience from purity culture alongside fragments of emerging goodness and connection within the sexual body. Purity culture goes beyond just individual narratives. While many participants verbally talked about family of origin and upbringing within their church, Parker was the only participant who depicted cultural influences on their body map. Goodness extended beyond just her and was deeply connected to women who had come before her. This highlights the generational impact of purity culture. The themes that emerged from Parker’s map showcased how within purity culture it is rarely just the girls who experienced disconnect from their sexual bodies but from the adults around them, parents, grandparents. Within her map she described the overwhelming emotions experienced by her ancestors and how they protected their sexual bodies. However, in this generational perspective in Parker’s map, we see how the seeds of the pain and trauma within purity culture were placed generations before. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 112 The theme of engaging with goodness emerged within Parker’s maps after Parker left her family church. Once this occurred, she was able to “find” core goodness again. In finding the “ground” she was then able to see the ways in which generations before had been restricting her access to goodness: “They wouldn’t let us touch the ground.” For her, goodness has always been there, shining down on her, and has been her “birthright.” This symbolizes for Parker the idea that she has always been good. The themes from Parker’s map reveals how engaging with goodness is a complex experience. It is both a sense of finding, re-accessing something that had previously been restricted, and yet something innate and one’s birthright. The elements of engaging with goodness and difficulties also emerged from Parker’s maps as she drew tulips over previously painful experiences from purity culture. The stories from her map suggest a way that people raised as girls can heal from purity culture. In looking back at the themes encapsulating participants experiences of purity culture, particularly in the overwhelming emotion theme is the underlying assumption is that sexual bodies are bad. When this assumption is still present, integration between connection and disconnection is difficult if not impossible. Parker’s map reveals the possibility of a “groundedness” in goodness from which integrating painful experiences can occur. Engaging with goodness despite suffering emerged through the acceptance of past difficulties, acknowledging suffering, and still accessing goodness from past places of suffering and into the future. Chris used the word “acceptance” to encapsulate her current painful connections to purity culture. Parker showed acceptance and integration through the layering of tulips on areas of the body that had been labelled as unsafe or a source of disgust and terror. From places of suffering, new ways of accessing the sexual self and body in connected ways can emerge. This can be seen throughout the layering of Parker’s body map. Her hands STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 113 were first drawn with x’s on them to represent the disgust and terror at pleasure and the sexual body. However, layered on top are tulips representing hope and pleasure. From disgust and terror at the sexual body, newer experiences of hope and pleasure can emerge. She shared in her processing: I can still see pockets of colour. Yeah like. Not that they cover up the harm or take it away, but they actually get to come in and…colour here does not repre—does not like. The colour came after. The colour came from down here [the ground], it did not come from up here. It came from getting away and then coming back to connect. So like, this…colours, the colour was already there, but I couldn’t access it because I wasn’t allowed to move. The subtheme of engaging with goodness and difficulties emerged mainly from Parker’s map followed by Chris’s. This subtheme involves accessing a sense of core goodness that had been previously taken away from the sexual body. In re-accessing goodness, there is room to accept past, present, and future difficulties in ways that integrate the two, rather than make them mutually exclusive. Summary of Themes In summary, the impact of purity culture that emerged across participants’ body maps spanned three core themes: overwhelming and isolating emotional and physical experiences, confusion, and protection of the sexual body. Participant’s experiences of sexual embodiment today included three themes of experiencing barriers to embodiment, desiring for and attempting embodiment, and healing. These themes underscore the past and current impact of purity culture and its effect on emotional, physical, and sexual well-being. As well as how participants navigated connections to the body after leaving purity culture. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 114 CHAPTER FIVE: DISCUSSION In this study, the impact of Evangelical Christian purity culture messages and experiences on people raised as girl’s sexual embodiment was explored. Using body mapping as a method for collective narrative and embodied engagement, this study found six themes across five participant experiences. Three themes spoke to the lived experience and impact of purity culture on participants, and three spoke to their present experiences of sexual embodiment. In the following section, themes regarding the impact of purity culture and experiences of sexual embodiment are discussed in relation to the existing literature on sexual embodiment and purity culture, including connections to the broader literature on embodiment, EE (Piran, 2017, 2019), and the DTE (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012). Following this, strengths and limitations of the study are explored along with implications for counselling practitioners, researchers and the evangelical church. Connections to Existing Literature Connections to the EE To review, the EE encompasses experiences across five dimensions: body connection and comfort; agency and functionality; experience and expression of desire; attuned self-care; and inhabiting the body as a subjective site (Piran, 2017, 2019). For the purposes of this discussion, the first three domains of the EE—body connection and comfort; agency and functionality; and experience and expression of desire—are further explored to highlight how participants within the study experienced embodiment in the past as well as in the present. Embodied disruptions to connection and comfort with the body are characterized by feeling like the body is “wrong” or that the body is a problematic site to inhabit (Piran, 2017). Piran (2017) notes how these disruptions are accompanied by feelings of shame and fear as well STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 115 as the need to monitor or control the body. This emerged within the study through participants overwhelming emotional and physical experiences of fear, terror, disgust, or despair. It also emerged through protecting the sexual body, including monitoring and controlling the sexual body via perfectionism and modesty. Piran (2017) goes so far as to say that disconnections from the body create a sense of “living ‘from the head up’ or experiencing the body as separate” (p. 6). These qualities emerge in participant’s descriptions of embodied disconnection verbally and visually: Quinn’s drawing of their rational brain and Claire’s separated versions of herself on body maps. Participants described how their body was “bad” or “sinful,” communicating the sexually embodied disruptions within the connection and comfort domains. Within this study, participants showcased the ways in which the body was a problematic site to inhabit through overwhelming emotions, need to protect the sexual body, and separating from the body. In contrast, embodied connection and comfort are characterized by what Piran (2017) calls “feeling at home” in one’s body (p. 6). Within this study, comfort emerged as an explicit sub-theme of healing from purity culture. In healing from years of disrupted connection and comfort for the sexual body, participants described and portrayed feeling more relaxed and safe within their body. The sexual body became an inhabitable site, rather than a dangerous or problematic one. In healing from purity culture, people raised as girls experienced more embodied connections as seen through feeling comfort within their sexual body. The presence of agency and functionality is another domain of positive embodied experience. Piran (2017) characterizes the presence of agency and functionality in two ways: physically and through voice. She describes this physical component as “joyful immersion and agency in physical activities” (p. 7). Some participants, like Quinn or Parker, symbolized such immersive activities, such as crafting with their hands or dancing with their feet, explicitly on STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 116 their maps. Second, voice is a display of agency through the expression of one’s views and opinions as well as through singing (Piran, 2017). Chris described singing as a healing and connecting aspect of herself and made sure to place this on her map. Other participants like Parker were passionate throughout the interviewing and body mapping process, showcasing their “in-the-moment” experience of agency against purity culture narratives. Bryce also visualized this desire to connect with others and be a positive influence on other’s finding their sense of voice. Through participants engagement in the physical and voice, they showcased aspects of healing and reconnecting with the sexual body as seen through agency and functionality. The experience and expression of desire (Piran, 2017, 2019; Tolman, 2002) is relevant to this study as many participants described being unable to access and experience desire within purity culture. Disowning one’s experience or expression of desire “limits [women’s] experience of agency, comfort, and pleasure in engaging in the world”(Piran, 2017, p. 9). Within this study, desire was not a standalone theme that emerged within thematic analysis. However, given Piran’s (2017) descriptions of desire, one can see how desire was woven throughout participant narratives and body maps through markers such as agency, comfort, and pleasure. These markers are explored below. Desire was discouraged within purity culture. This is shown by the absence of characteristics of desire such as agency, comfort, and pleasure within participant body maps and descriptions. Piran (2017) describes disrupted embodied experiences within the desire domains as “experiencing no association between desire and pleasure, or associating desire with negative emotions” (p. 9). Most experiences of desire or pleasure were quick to be shut down as seen through participant descriptions of negative emotions surrounding. For example, many participants described the “terror” of pleasure, and Parker’s narrative descriptions of pleasure STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 117 focused on the terror of self-pleasure depicted in her map as x’s on her hands. Another example is through Chris’s descriptions of protection. She portrayed on her map the ways in which purity culture promoted the idea that she needed protection and could not relax. It was only after leaving purity culture that Chris was able to access experiences of comfort and relaxation. If the expression of desire is connected to experiences such as agency, comfort, and pleasure, all of these were absent from participants narratives and body maps as they described their experiences of purity culture. As seen through participants like Parker and Chris, the opposites of pleasure and discomfort, terror and being unable to relax, were instead present on their maps. As participants moved away from purity culture narratives, each found ways of exploring and expressing desire. Although desire was not a named theme throughout their narratives or body maps, themes named as agency, comfort, and pleasure did emerge more strongly as subthemes of healing. Perhaps the most potent examples of desire emerged for participants when describing the future. When describing the future, participants articulated areas new preferences, needs, and desires since leaving purity culture, such as relationship preferences, ways of expressing the sexual body, or sexual health needs. In an increased understanding of desires, participants described current areas of growth and aspects of their sexual body and self they wanted to learn more about. In doing so, themes from this study have relevant connections to participants experiences of desire through subthemes of healing. Connections to the DTE The DTE, a theory articulating how girls’ and women’s experiences of embodiment are shaped across the lifespan, includes three domains: physical, mental, and social power. In the following section, themes from this study are explored as they contribute to the DTE. In doing so, the ways in which purity culture impacted and discouraged participant experiences of sexual STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 118 embodiment are revealed as well as how new social experiences after purity culture have promoted further connection to the sexual body. The physical domain involves the ability to physically engage and move within the social world as well as navigating it safely. Participants in this present study described how they were unable to consistently “[move] freely and safely” (Piran, 2017, p. 18) within purity culture spaces. Part of what Piran (2017) describes as movement that facilitates embodied connection is the absence of sexualization during physical acts. Many of the participants articulated the ways in which purity rules, such as modesty requirements, limited their ability to move freely in the world without first being objectified and sexualized. For some participants like Chris, the threat of sexualization was perceived, and modesty rules were put in place by her parents out of fear. However, perhaps more than perception, was her fear of going to hell for causing people to sin. For participants like Quinn, Parker, or Bryce, the risk of violated physical safety was a lived experience through sexual assault and unwanted sexual advances. Piran and collaborator’s (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012) research highlights how experienced or witnessed violations of safety to the sexual body impacts girls in emotions such as shame, fear, and powerlessness. In this study, participants were unable to move freely in the world. The DTE’s physical freedom domain (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012) highlights the function and importance of the protection theme that emerged as part of this study’s findings. For participants raised within purity culture, the world was a physically unsafe place to navigate. Signs of disconnection within participant narratives and body maps, such as monitoring and controlling the sexual body, provided protection to the sexual body. In the absence of safety, participants protected the sexual body through disconnection. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 119 Within the physical domain is the freedom of desire, or more specifically “experiences that support and validate desire” (Piran, 2017, p. 20). As previously discussed, desire was not a theme that emerged from participants body maps. However, the absence of experiences validating desire, according to Piran (2017), contribute to people raised as girls being less likely to respond agentically to the body in attuned ways. This was noted within participant themes of healing. As participants left purity culture and began exploring new ways of relating to the sexual body, they were able to move more freely, enabling them to have more choice. The theme of freedom revealed the ways in which participants had previously been restricted and with a lack of choice within purity culture. In having access to choice, participants were then able to experience more agency and autonomy over their bodies in ways that lead to greater pursuits of what they want and desire. Increased attunement to wants and desires allowed participants greater freedom to explore their desires, and greater care for the sexual body through better sexual education and information. A critical characteristic of purity culture that has yet to be explored relates to the DTE’s mental domain, mental corseting (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012). Mental corseting “relates to embodied compliance with constraining socially created molds related to one’s social location, and that aim to maintain the status quo” (Piran, 2017, p. 21). As already discussed, this study’s findings portray how purity culture’s corseting social messages had a profound impact on participants’ experiences and connections to their sexual body. These restricting narratives include viewing the sexual body as bad, claiming that women are submissive, the prohibition of pre-marital sex, emphasizing virginity and purity, and more. Most salient are the dichotomies found within Claire’s purity/sanctity and slut-shamed versions of herself (i.e. pure versus slut). The pure versus slut dichotomy created feelings of shame, despair, and terror for Claire. This STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 120 dichotomy within Claire’s body map reveals how corseting purity messages created overwhelming emotions as well as creation disconnection within the sexual body. Mental corseting (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012), especially through the dichotomy of pure versus slut, shows how purity culture restricted participants connection to their sexual body. In contrast, mental freedom (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012) was evident in this study’s findings as participants described how they let go of past purity narratives. For some, this involved simply finding and adopting new definitions of “virginity.” For other participants, they developed a more “critical stance” (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012) towards restricting purity narratives and were more actively involved in resisting previous purity narratives. In letting go of previously restricting and corseting narratives, participants experienced greater positive connections to the sexual body as they pursued more expansive definitions related to sex and sexuality. The third and final domain of the DTE is social power, which includes important facets such as access to relevant resources and having empowering relationships (Piran, 2017; Piran & Teall, 2012). For many participants there was a noted absence of accessing sexual health and education. This emerged within the overwhelming emotions theme, specifically as it related to physical experiences. Quinn described how the lack of resources created distressing physical symptoms in their youth. This included knowledge about menstruation, consent, and pleasurable sex. The impact on Quinn was the normalization of painful period cramps that they are now learning may be linked to endometriosis. They also noted how not learning about consent and pleasurable sex contributed to their overwhelming emotional experiences of shame and confusion in relation to their sexual assault. In contrast, what emerged within the freedom, choice, and autonomy theme was Quinn’s ability to learn about pleasure within relationships as well as relationship preferences. Through Quinn’s story, as emerged within the study’s themes of STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 121 overwhelming emotions and freedom, choice, and autonomy, they revealed the ways in which purity culture limited themselves their access within the social power domain. They were unable to access comprehensive sexual health education which resulted in embodied disconnections (i.e. physical health conditions, shame and confusion surrounding sexual assault). This study found that participants deciding to heal from purity culture had to learn and access resources on their own in order to make more informed choices about the sexual bodies. Piran (2017) describes empowering relationships within this domain as the “validation of one’s embodied self in the world” (p. 27) which is then associated with increases in positive embodiment. For many of this current study’s participants, there was a noted absence of positive role models to learn about the sexual body from. This in turn had a profound negative impact on participants experiences of connection to the sexual body. In leaving purity culture and finding new places with different people, more empowering connections were made. This emerged most saliently within the freedom, choice, and autonomy theme. For example, leaving purity culture emerged from Quinn’s body maps through visual symbols that brought them out of purity culture (i.e. airplane). Quinn also symbolized how these shifts led them to more empowering relationships that in turn increased connection to the body. In their body map they described how leaving for university normalized their experiences of sexuality and opened their mind to new ways of thinking. This was then symbolized through drawing a larger circle around her brain to depict this expansion. Other participants, such as Parker and Quinn, described being able to explore and learn about their sexual bodies in ways that normalized sex and sexuality through empowering relationships. This in turn increased their experiences of connection to their sexual body. Various social interactions, in turn, are what shape a sense of positive or negative embodied connections and exist along a continuum. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 122 With this continuum in mind, this study’s theme of desiring and attempting embodiment highlight how experiencing embodiment occurs on a spectrum. Within the desiring and attempting embodiment theme, participants described desiring to experience more positive embodied connections, yet barriers to embodiment prevented fully experiencing a sense of embodied connection. The desiring and attempting embodiment theme highlights and important, and perhaps new, nuance to Piran’s (2017; Piran et al., 2020) EE as it showcases a more dynamic view of embodiment as lived and experienced by those trying to learn and experience new ways of relating to their sexual bodies. Connections to Purity Culture Existing literature within the field of purity culture conceptualizes purity culture as a cultural force with the potential to impact aspects of individuals sexual health and well-being. The goal of this study was to provide a unifying perspective on the impact of purity culture on people raised as girls using sexual embodiment as a construct. In the following section, the findings from this study both contribute and strengthen previous literature on purity culture as well as contribute meaningful nuances to the ways in which it impacts people raised as girls’ sexual embodiment. To begin, purity culture has been found to negatively impact women’s sexual literacy due to purity norms and messaging spreading sexual myths and misinformation (Sellers, 2017). Sellers (2017) described how the impact of sexual misinformation, especially AOUM sex education, reveals itself through sexual health and well-being complications due to inaccurate information. This emerged through the finding of overwhelming emotions. As previously described, Quinn’s sexual education was limited at best. They described how their sexual education was mainly focused on the biological components of sex, as is relevant to making a STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 123 baby, and left out important components such as consent and pleasure. In doing so, Quinn was misinformed about what normal sex should look like and sexual safety through contraceptive use. In addition to this, Quinn’s story revealed the ways in which sexual information perpetuates rape myths. Quinn described how the lack of education surrounding consent then led them to feel confused about virginity and sex in relation to their sexual assault. This connects with Klein (2019) statement that “the purity movement classifies sexual violence by systematically silencing and hiding it, and that if and when it is exposed, the purity movement then misclassifies sexual violence as ‘sex’ rather than ‘violence’” (Klein, 2019, p. 91). Synthesized with the literature on sexual illiteracy and the misclassification of violence as sex, this study’s findings reveal the ways in which purity culture not only has an impact on physical and sexual health, but on how rape and sexual assault impact people raised as girls. Purity culture not only encompasses the absence of comprehensive sexual education, but messages that promote sexual double standards. The findings of this study revealed this within the theme of overwhelming emotion. Claire engaged with sexual double standards explicitly and visually as she depicted the slut version of herself and the purity version of herself. This not only depicted the emotional impact of sexual double standards—disgust, despair, stress, denial, sadness—but revealed how such double standards disconnect the self from the sexual body. These findings highlight how sexual double standards present within purity culture perpetuate disconnection from the sexual body. Sexual scripts are often paired with purity narratives women receive communicating that their bodies cause men to stumble; women’s bodies have the potential to cause men to sin, and women must prioritize men’s sexual needs and desires over their own. As a result, many women learn to mistrust their internal experiences in sexual situations (Estrada, 2022; Nagoski, 2015). STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 124 This was revealed through the themes of confusion, especially through Chris’s body maps. She visually drew the ways in which purity narratives were confusing, both the need to control her appearance and be modest alongside needing to value and appreciate the body God gave her, as well as a sense of embodied confusion. Chris’s descriptions of embodied confusion are a significant contribution to the purity culture as it highlights the impact of sexual double standards on the sexual body. Chris often felt conflicted and confused about pursuing what felt good within her body versus what she was told to pursue. In doing so, the findings from this study highlight how embodied confusion contribute to people raised as girl’s experiences of confusion and disrupted embodiment due to purity culture sexual double standards. Another important finding from this present study is its expansion of the emotional impact of purity culture. Up until recently, purity culture literature has focused mainly on sex guilt and shame. In doing so, the emotional impact of purity culture has been conceptualized through the lens of shame and how shame negatively impacts women’s sexual identity, desires, and pleasure (Alarcão et al., 2022; Gunning et al., 2020; Hamilton & Meston, 2013; Nagoski, 2015; Reis et al., 2021; Sellers, 2017; Woo et al., 2012). Feelings of shame and guilt were woven throughout participant narratives when describing the impact of purity culture. However, the themes of overwhelming emotion and confusion revealed additional emotions crucial to a more nuanced understanding of the emotional impact of purity culture. The findings within the overwhelming emotion theme revealed how participants experienced feelings such as despair, disgust, stress, and denial, and sadness in relation to purity culture narratives and the sexual body. In doing so, the findings show how while people raised as girls experience shame, these shameful feelings spur on other overwhelming emotions. Sellers (2017) communicates how purity culture messages associate the sexual body with being “dirty.” STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 125 Within Claire’s body map she wrote down the phrase “I am bad.” In reaction to other emotions on this map, Claire described the despair she felt in being bad and unable to achieve purity. Another example comes from Chris’s body map and the intense feelings of needing to escape as she is still immersed within purity culture environments. This emerged through her running posture, images of the weight of purity culture through a ball and chain, as well as the exhaustion she feels in trying to escape purity culture. These findings illustrate the complexity of the emotional impact of purity culture beyond shame and guilt. Participants’ experiences of purity culture created shame which then led to a cascade of overwhelming emotions further disconnecting participants from their sexual body. In addition to overwhelming emotions, the findings of the present study reveal how confusion in relation to purity narratives is embodied. Within this theme, Chris’s map showcased how confusion created a sense of fighting between what Chris described as feeling good and the exhaustion she feels trying to leave purity culture. Prior to this study, purity culture has only been understood as confusing conceptually(Klein, 2019). However, the findings from this study reveal how confusion was an embodied experience for participants, like Chris, rather than just a cognitive or conceptual confusion. Novel Findings The purpose of qualitative research and narrative research within this study, specifically, was to highlight and describe people’s unique stories and experiences as it related to purity culture. From these five participant’s stories novel contributions to the existing literature were found. Novel findings from this study to the field of purity culture are related to findings from this study in the themes of protection of the sexual body and acceptance, comfort, and safety. The themes of protection revealed the ways in which the sexual body was unsafe within purity STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 126 culture experiences. Within this theme participants described how they would protect the sexual body through controlling their appearance, perfection, or dissociation. Participants, upon leaving purity culture they were able to have more positively embodied experiences, which emerged through the acceptance, comfort, and safety theme. However, until this safety was achieved, barriers to embodiment continued to disrupt positive experiences of embodiment. This suggests the lack of safety that sexual bodies experience within purity culture. Thus far, the purity culture literature has only focused on safety within purity culture through the lens of perpetuating rape myths, misinformation, and experiences(Klein, 2019; Klement et al., 2022; Owens et al., 2021). Within this study, three participants reported experiencing sexual assault in varying forms. However, the two participants who did not experience sexual assault still revealed narratives related to protection of the sexual body. In doing so, the findings from these participants suggest that regardless of experiences of direct assault, people may still experience a need to protect the sexual body. Implications of these findings are discussed later in the chapter. Within this study’s literature review, findings from Jacobson et al. (2016a, 2016b) revealed the negative impact of radical dualist beliefs from Evangelical Christianity on one’s ability to appreciate the body. Their study made claims that sanctification beliefs (the belief that the body was created by God) was a positive variable as related to embodied connections. However, the validity of these findings was critiqued, specifically critiquing participants ability to accurately name and label experiences such as embodied connection and disconnection in relation to sanctification beliefs. The findings from this study further support this critique. In Jacobson et al. (2016a, 2016b) studies, sanctification was identified as a positive variable for increasing positive embodied connections. However, findings within the present study revealed the ways in which embodied disconnection still occurred for those who held STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 127 sanctification beliefs. This emerged through the overwhelming emotions and confusion themes. Claire’s body map explicitly engaged with sanctification beliefs and wrote on her body map that her “appearance is what makes [her] a sexual person and yet it’s not [her] fault. [God] did this to [her].” For Claire, sanctification was further complicated in purity culture norms that pressured her to be sexual for a husband, but not too sexual to be labelled as a “slut.” The conflict between these purity narratives created confusion throughout for Claire and Chris. For Chris, she described the confusion in being told that her sexual body was good and from God, yet through modesty messages that she needed to cover her body. For Chris this was further complicated when she shared about getting a breast reduction (for pain-related reasons). She could not understand how after years of being told to prioritize her modesty, that removing a part of her body that was causing others to stumble and go to hell was a problem. The findings from this study reveal how for some individuals, sanctification beliefs and the pressure to view the body as good and from God are complicated with other conflicting purity beliefs. In doing so, sanctification was experienced as another impossible and conflicting purity narrative to attain. Within the context of other disconnecting experiences, the conflict of sanctification beliefs encouraged disconnection rather than connection. Another finding within this study is a more explicit naming of the need to protect the body within purity culture spaces, as well as the need for safety in the pursuit of healing from purity culture. Clinical counsellors such as Hillary McBride (2021) and Laura Anderson (2023) have previously made connections to the abusive nature of Evangelical Christian purity culture and the resulting trauma for those who leave. In their connections to trauma and abuse, the connections between disembodiment within evangelical church spaces has been linked to the mind-body disconnect encouraged throughout evangelical theology. In conceptualizing this STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 128 disconnect for people raised within Evangelical Christianity, these women have made connections to polyvagal theory (Dana, 2020, 2021; Porges, 2007), stating that the results of mind-body disconnect are nervous system trauma responses fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (Anderson, 2023; McBride, 2021). This study aligns with McBride (2021) and Anderson’s (2023) perspectives on viewing Evangelical Christianity and purity culture as a form of trauma and abuse to the body through the present study’s theme of protection of sexual body and subtheme of safety required within healing. In connecting the study’s findings to trauma then an important nuance is revealed within participant’s stories of leaving purity culture. Participants described the varying ways in which they had to “leave” purity culture in order to find safety. All these forms of leaving had a physical component to them (e.g. leaving for university, moving churches). Some participants left with their faith “intact” or still holding some importance for them, whereas other left and had to leave their religion and faith entirely. Further, as noted throughout the results of this study, a level of safety was required before a sense of healing could occur for participants. This highlights the necessity for leaving purity culture as it continues to abuse and create unsafe environments for women to exist with positive embodied connections. The body cannot heal and exist in connection between mind and body when the systems and relationships it is surrounded by encourage disconnection and a need to protect the body. In the same way that leaving was unique for each participant, it is likely that leaving to find safety will look different for other survivors of purity culture. Strengths and Limitations In the following section I explore the strengths and limitations of this study in order to better highlight nuances of the study design and findings. Strengths of the study are as follows. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 129 In line with feminist research and emphasis on relationality and collaboration, participants in this study were allowed to have an existing relationship with the researcher. Exceptions included close friends and family members. The researcher had varying personal connections to all five of the participants within this study, which served as a relational foundation for the rest of the research to be grounded in. Additionally, the researcher’s personal reactions and concerns for bias were noted throughout the research process and reviewed with their supervisor. The body mapping sessions were highly collaborative. At times, the researcher was cutting out symbols or drawing on the map with participants as guided by the research participants. In addition to this, member-checking the key during the second session of the interviews proved to be a collaborative and deeply validating way to understand participants experiences. Participants were engaged with the member-checking process and excited to hear their symbols reflected or to clarify any missing points. Some participants even described the validation that memberchecking the key provided. The relationality within this study serves as a strength of this study as aligned with feminist research approaches (Hall & Stevens, 1991). In centering relationality, rapport between researcher and participant was strengthened and trust was built. According to feminist research approaches, this strengthened the findings of the study because trust and rapport between research and participant was established first. Once this foundation was built then further and more complex understandings of participant truths could be accessed(Hall & Stevens, 1991). Relationality throughout this study served as a strength for accessing participant narratives and thematic findings. An additional strength of this study was the choice to use body mapping as the method for embodied engagement. In previous chapters body mapping has been described in relation to STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 130 the rigour and quality of this study. However, though this study, other benefits of this research method were found. For some participants, dissociation was a potential barrier to engaging with research questions and prompts. Some did not remember much of their childhood. However, through the body mapping process, these participants were surprised at details that were remembered and engaged with. The visual component of body mapping allowed them to be surprised by what they could explore alongside the dissociation. Body mapping proved to be an effective method for facilitating embodied connection especially for those with challenges surrounding dissociation. Many of the participants also disclosed their neurodivergence to the researcher at varying points throughout the research process and interview. They expressed how the body mapping process allowed them to engage in ways of storytelling, visually and verbally, that were accommodating rather than restricting. Previous studies on the effectiveness on arts-based therapeutic interventions for neurodivergent clients note how traditional talk therapies are exhausting socially and that arts-based interventions allow for communication in preferred nonverbal ways, like metaphor or imagery (Aithal & Karkou, 2024; Chapman & Evans, 2020; Safran, 2002). Body mapping as a method of inquiry facilitated greater access to and further exploration of the research topic for neurodivergent participants, serving as a strength in this study. Finally, one of the intentions of utilizing body mapping as the method for exploring sexual embodiment was to slow the research process down and highlight more nuanced and complex understandings of embodiment. The researcher found this too be true, especially as the body mapping process allowed participants to go through a “refining” process. Many participants spoke quickly and excitedly during their interviewing process and at times expressed feeling like STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 131 there were many points to discuss and cover. However, in switching to the body mapping process, participants could highlight key elements of their experience as well as reveal ways of relating to the sexual body that had not been articulated verbally. Some of these symbols were explored verbally within body mapping sessions, but for most participants, ways of relating to the body were revealed later in the analysis process. In summary, body mapping was a primary strength of this study due to its ability to allow participants with neurodivergent and/or dissociative characteristics to engage in the research process. Body mapping also served as a strength within this study as it revealed important facets of embodied engagement that were not explored verbally. The purpose of qualitative research, generally, is to provide in-depth explorations related to people’s experiences. As such, due to the smaller sample sizes typically found within qualitative research, generalizability is not possible. This study is no exception. The findings from this study highlight the ways in which the five participants experienced being raised as a girl within purity culture. While their experiences align with and provide novel contributions to the existing literature on embodiment and purity culture, there are areas of purity culture that still warrant further understanding and exploration. As such, limitations of this study are associated with the participant selection. The participants of study were White (except for one participant), had access to vehicles to drive to the TWU campus revealing middle to higher socioeconomic status, able-bodied, and in straightpassing relationships. As such, claims about purity culture and sexual embodiment may be missing important elements and nuances that BIPOC or more visibly LGBTQIA2S+ participants experience. It is therefore important to consider findings from this study in relation to the limitations of this sample. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 132 In addition to this, participants were between the ages of 21-27. This is a limitation in two ways. First, is that themes that emerged from this study may be contextualized to early or emerging adulthood. An example of this is that many participants reported uncertainty surrounding what their futures may look like, especially whether or not they would have children. This connects with the literature on emerging adulthood identity development is characterized by exploration and uncertainty(Eriksson et al., 2020; Schwartz et al., 20134). Second, is that participants within this age range did not experience the “height” of purity culture, rather the tail end of it. It is possible that older participants who experienced the height of purity culture and prolonged exposure to more direct messaging may have more profound disruptions to embodied experiences. Older participants would potentially reveal other nuanced findings to experiences of embodiment considering the previous mentioned stages of identity development or experiences of uncertainty and certainty (e.g. being a mother or having a career). Implications As mentioned, the narratives from the five participants’ narratives and body maps captured an in-depth understanding of their experiences of sexual embodiment being raised as girls within purity culture. As such, their experiences and common themes identified across body maps have important implications for the field of counselling, research, and the evangelical church. Implications for Counselling The findings from this study have important implications for the field of counselling, and specifically counsellors and sex therapists who work with people raised as girls within purity culture. In the present study, the themes of overwhelming emotions, confusion, protection of the sexual body, and acceptance, comfort, and safety reveal a need for safety for the sexual body. In STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 133 addition to this, the attempts at embodiment theme reveal the ways in which participants “try on” embodied action yet still experience disconnection to the sexual body. In the following section, these themes are explored as they relate to the field of counselling, and especially traumainformed care. First, research findings highlighted the weight of purity culture through the theme overwhelming emotions. Participants described heavy emotions such as shame, despair, disgust, and terror. Moreover, protection of the sexual body emerged as a necessary way for participants to protect the unsafe body in relation to purity culture and these overwhelming emotions. It is important that clinicians understand the impact of purity culture in relation to participant experiences of safety. Furthermore, clinicians working with people raised as girls within purity culture should have understandings and trainings surrounding trauma-informed care, specifically relational trauma. As seen throughout this study, participants were only able to engage in themes of healing—such as freedom, choice, and autonomy or engagement with goodness and difficulties—once there was a foundation of safety and comfort within the sexual body. Traumainformed approaches that prioritize safety, such as polyvagal theory (Dana, 2020, 2021; Porges, 2007), may be crucial for this population as it can allow for greater access to necessary sexual health and well-being goals. It is also important to note that the theme of freedom, choice, and autonomy, within this study and as aligned with embodiment literature, does not come at the cost of individual safety or the safety of others. Participant descriptions of freedom, choice, and autonomy came in contrast to the lack of choice or autonomy over their bodies. Often this was in conjunction with a lack of education and safety surrounding safe sexual practices, or the freedom to express their sexuality in attuned and safe ways. This aligns with the embodiment literature, which highlights the STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 134 importance of freedom to include education and experiences surrounding safe and pleasurable sex (Piran, 2017). Further, it is the impression of the researcher, in light of participant descriptions and the work of Niva Piran (2017, 2019) that freedom and autonomy over one’s body does not come at the expense of another person’s safety and autonomy. For clinicians, this then means that in the pursuit of new choices, freedom, and exploring bodily autonomy, providing supplementary surrounding consent and safe sexual practices may be needed in conjunction with therapeutic outcomes. Further, as seen through this study, people raised as girls may claim that they have “moved on” from purity culture narratives. This emerged through the attempting embodiment theme. However, through the use of body mapping, overwhelming feelings and a need for safety was revealed. While participants would verbalize the ways in which they were engaged with their body, the slower process of body mapping sometimes revealed the opposite (e.g. saying the body is safe but in process revealing the sexual body or sexual self is unsafe or at best complicated). This is important for clinicians in two ways. The first reiterates the primacy of safety in exploring sexual health goals and well-being. The findings from this study showcase that without safety, people raised as girls have the potential to continue experiencing attempts at embodiment after purity culture, rather than safely embodied connections. Second, this theme emphasizes the potential of experiential exercises, like body mapping, in revealing hidden or unknown ways of engaging with the body. There is a need for clinicians to attune to the ways in which the body is experienced, rather than how it is talked about, especially for people like those in this study. In addition to trauma-informed approaches to counselling, practitioners working with this population should consider experiential, somatic, and other body-based interventions to better highlight and understand their clients embodied experiences. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 135 Implications for Research The use of body mapping as method for embodied exploration is an important contribution to arts-based and embodied research methods. As previously described, the body mapping process revealed ways in which participants engaged with their sexual bodies as opposed to the ways in which they talked about them. In doing so, more complex and rich descriptions of embodiment were uncovered. This study contributes to the growing field of artsbased and embodied research methods. Embodied methodology is a necessary and missing element within the literature on embodiment and further research exploring how to further operationalize and implement these embodied strategies is needed. An additional recommendation for future research is to continue implementing and exploring embodied methods within embodiment literature. As terms like “embodiment” continue to grow in popularity, there is the potential that people will continue to “speak” or intellectualize embodiment or embodied concepts without engaging with the slower and reflective processes required for embodied connection. Arts-based methods, like body mapping, are one way of revealing how the body is lived and engaged with. In doing so, it highlights crucial nuances to embodied experiences that verbal-only methods may overlook or misinterpret. This study has opened a new way for conceptualizing purity culture in a new way in its examination of the impact of purity culture on sexual embodiment. As such, further research is needed to strengthen this perspective. As such, potential avenues for future research are now explored. This study has addressed the previously articulated gap of exploring the impact of purity culture holistically. This was done using the construct of sexual embodiment. In doing so, new areas of exploration are uncovered and possible. This includes, but is not limited to, expanding participant demographics to understand how men, visibly queer, and BIPOC STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 136 individuals experience sexual embodiment after purity culture. In addition to this, another study exploring how purity culture has impacted people raised as girls during the “height” of purity culture should be conducted as it may reveal additional themes or repeated themes that exist for people raised as girls, regardless of when they were raised within purity culture. Further, research examining the broader context of Evangelicalism and embodiment is needed. Within the findings of this study, there are potential areas of overlap in embodied experiences between those who grew up in Evangelicalism mind-body dualism and purity culture narratives. Further research is also needed on the sexual body’s need for protection and reclaiming safety within the sexual body. These participant narratives reveal troubling parallels of purity culture’s impact on embodiment to religious trauma and spiritual abuse (Anderson, 2023; Downie, 2022; McBride, 2021; Ramler, 2023). Research is needed in order to better highlight and define this parallel. Implications for the Evangelical Church The purpose of narrative research is to capture participants’ stories and experiences (Kim, 2016; Riessman, 2008) and this was done in the present study in a visual way through the body mapping process (Boydell, 2020; Gastaldo et al., 2012). Further, the purpose of feminist research is to highlight voices and stories that have been historically silenced so that further change may occur (Bhavnani, 1993; Mertens, 2019; Wigginton & Lafrance, 2019). The present study aligns with these aims and describes the lived experiences of sexual embodiment for people raised as girls within purity culture. As such, the findings from this study have important implications for the evangelical church. Although purity culture has been at the forefront of this research, the influences of Evangelical Christianity are present in the background of participant experiences. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 137 It is the opinion of the writer, as informed by participant stories, the findings from this study, and the DTE, that becoming sexually embodied within the current evangelical structure is incredibly difficult if not impossible. As it currently stands, the evangelical church is rooted in layers of cultural, religious, and political identity (Du Mez, 2020; Hankins, 2008; Latour, 2020), paired with embodied norms that encourage disconnection to the body as seen through mindbody dualistic views (Estrada, 2022; McBride, 2021) and shame and fear rhetoric (Downie, 2022; Ramler, 2023) throughout theology and community practices. Participants’ narratives within this study showcased the importance of leaving Evangelical Christianity and purity culture to find an embodied sense of safety again. They described the ways in which sexual embodiment was restricted and discouraged across physical, mental, and social power domains. Those who left Christianity, particularly Evangelical Christianity, reported more freedom and safety upon leaving. Similarly, those who were still surrounded by Evangelical Christianity, whether through church or family influences, described the toll these connections had on their experiences of safety and freedom. The restriction of their freedom and safety limited their ability to fully express and be “at home” in their bodies (Piran, 2017). Sexual embodiment within Evangelical Christianity might not be impossible, but as seen through the lens of the DTE, the social and theological norms within the structures of Evangelical Christianity tend to actively discourage positive embodied connections. In order for the evangelical church to become a place of safety and one that encourages positive embodied connections would require major systemic, theological, cultural, and relational reform within churches. Many of the starting points for creating this kind of reform would require a re-examination of how the Bible is read, interpreted, and applied, especially surrounding topics related to sexual embodiment such as gay marriage, diverse gender STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 138 expressions, sexual assault and rape, or women in leadership. As previously mentioned in the literature review, to suggest this kind of reform would require a shift in some of the core tenets of evangelical faith. However, the hope would be to create less shame, open curiosity, and invite a path forward from learning and listening to the voices of people raised as girls. The following recommendations are for those located within the evangelical church seeking to learn and understand the experiences of people raised as girls and create change. The first recommendation is to listen first. Upon reading this thesis, there may be the desire for the reader to quickly move into action and change the church. It is likely, and expected within artsbased research, that visually seeing people’s stories has evoked strong emotions within the reader. These feelings are crucial for the evangelical reader to notice and “be with” in the process of listening. Listening to people’s stories is a crucial first step to any path forward for creating a more embodied church. Second, evangelical churches in Canada are in a unique position to act from the findings of this thesis. As Canadian evangelical church does not have the same historical ties to national and political identity, there may be an opportunity to grow and change within the evangelical church in ways that are less difficult than for the American church. In a multi-site ethnographic study by Lydia Bean (2014) she found that Canadian evangelicals were likely to be motivated to help the poor due to viewing the poor as an extension of their collective identity and belonging. This similar extension of belonging can be applied to people raised as girls within and outside of the church. It is recommended that Canadian churches find ways to (first listen) support the lives of people raised as girls. This might look like encouraging holding storytelling events for people to share their stories or to put donations towards providing sexual health education or women’s healthcare. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 139 Another recommendation for the evangelical church is to be more vocal on issues related to sexual embodiment within the church. As stated within the literature review, the beliefs of individual evangelicals are shifting, however, the institutions they support continue to lack the change and reform needed (The Washington Post, 2017). People raised as girls need safe and socially empowering relationships to encourage positive sexual embodied connection (Piran, 2017) and participants within this study were eager and longing to be advocated for as much as they were wanting to be heard. One of the ways that social empowerment is created is through being a reliable listener as well as vocal advocate for social issues. In the same way that the participants within this study described needing to have safety before other healing and embodied connections could be made, safety within church spaces are likely needed before other important changes and discussions can be had. This includes but is not limited to, providing updated and comprehensive sex education in conjunction with discussions surrounding Christian sexual ethics. For example, facilitating education and discussions surrounding the choices of abstinence before marriage (as opposed to the purity culture model of abstinence-only) or having sex before marriage in light of positive sexually embodied connections and Christian sexual ethics. Implications for the Reader In the following section, implications for the reader are listed. There is the potential that reading the themes and results from this thesis have brought up feelings of loss, sadness, confusion, numbness, or perhaps hopelessness at the state of purity culture and the evangelical church as it relates to embodiment. The first recommendation offered for this is to sit with and notice these feelings first. One of the ways in which Evangelical Christianity, and Western culture at large, has taught people to disconnect from embodied experiences, is through STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 140 bypassing emotions. In practice this is often done by seeking to find solutions to feelings and problems first (Anderson, 2023; McBride, 2021). Below prompts or suggestions for this sitting and noticing are offered: • notice what sensations and feelings come up for you • what are some of the thoughts you have? • what do these thoughts, feelings, or sensations make you want to do? • what do you wish you could do but feel like you can’t. • try noticing these thoughts, feelings, sensations and wishes with non-judgment (i.e. free of statements like “I shouldn’t feel this” or “I’m so stupid for thinking this”) and instead with the same care and kindness you might offer to a friend Noticing the body after years of ignoring what its wisdom has to offer is an important but heavy task. It may take years before it feels comfortable being connected to your body again in this way. Choosing to slow down to noticing the body is crucial not only for noticing potential discomfort after reading this thesis, but throughout the following recommendations below. The second recommendation offered is books like Anderson’s (2023) When Religion Hurts You or McBride’s (2021) The Wisdom of Your Body to better understand embodiment and religious trauma specifically. These books are packed with knowledge and lived experiences crucial to building awareness of the ways in which embodied connection and disconnection is marked Evangelical Christian upbringings. Other recommended resource specifically for sexual embodiment is Nagoski’s (2015) Come as You Are or Seller’s Sex, God, and the Conservative Church(2017). These books do not speak specifically to sexual embodiment, however, many of the exercises and reflections throughout these books may prove to be helpful in the journey towards reconnecting with the sexual self and body. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 141 As suggested throughout the findings of this study, a crucial step in (re)building connection to the body again comes through finding safety in the body again. The journey towards safety is highly personalized and therefore finding safety cannot necessarily be “prescribed.” The following recommendations may be better offered as suggestions or guesses as to what will aid in the journey towards positive connections to the body. The first is that participants described a certain level of leaving before being able to experience safety within the body again. For those desiring further safety within the sexual self and body again, the following questions are offered for further reflection surrounding the idea of leaving: • what forms of “leaving” or perhaps distancing might I need to engage in to experience safety? • what images or ideas of God might I have to leave behind? • what images or ideas of myself might I have to leave behind? • are there certain relationships or communities that do not encourage the kinds of positive embodied connections I want to build in myself? In the pursuit of creating safe spaces for yourself and others, it is suggested to apply the previous recommendations for noticing the body with non-judgmental noticing and kindness throughout these reflections. A final resource offered, especially if the previous recommendations felt difficult or perhaps too unstructured, is through the lens of polyvagal. Learning about nervous system responses can be a helpful tool towards the journey of finding safety within the sexual self and body again. Exercises from a polyvagal perspective offer practices to explore how safety within the body and relationships can be rebuilt. Two books that incorporate practices for building safety from a polyvagal perspective are Deb Dana’s books Anchored (2021) or Polyvagal STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 142 Exercises for Safety and Connection(2020). The exercises found within these books are best implemented within the context of a safe and supportive environment or with a guidance of a mental health professional. Conclusion The current study aimed to understand people raised as girls’ experiences of purity culture and the lasting and holistic impact it has had on their sexual embodiment. This was done using sexual embodiment as a holistic construct for understanding how cultural forces shape experiences of embodiment. An arts-based and embodied method was used, body mapping, to center embodied knowledge. In doing so, themes from five participants body maps were revealed: overwhelming emotions; confusion; protection of the sexual body; barriers to embodiment; desiring and attempting embodiment; and healing. The present study contributes to existing literature on embodiment, highlighting how purity culture as a specific cultural force has shaped people raised as girls’ experiences of embodiment across experiential domains body connection and comfort; agency and functionality; and the experience and expression of desire—as well as social domains—physical, mental, and social relations. This study has novel findings and implications examining the unifying impact of purity culture on sexual embodiment. In particular, understanding the emotional impact of purity culture beyond shame and guilt is notable. Further, the need to protect the sexual body and the inability to access positive embodied connections without safety was revealed. Future clinical work with this populations should be emphasizing the need for safety within the conceptualization and treatment planning for people raised as girls within purity culture. Additionally, the use of body mapping as an experiential method highlights the potential STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 143 for further understanding of embodied knowledge and experiences of purity culture within both clinical and research practice. The impact of purity culture is multifaceted and profound, as revealed through this research. People raised as girls deserved positive embodied connections to the sexual self and body. The participants within this study so beautifully shared the ways in which they have had to learn, grow, and heal after experiencing these unsafe environments. 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Sex guilt mediates the relationship between religiosity and sexual desire in East Asian and Euro-Canadian STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 160 college-aged women. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41(6), 1485–1495. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-012-9918-6 Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J., & French, J. (2016). Associations of sexual subjectivity with global and sexual well-being: A new measure for young males and comparison to females. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45(2), 315–327. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-014-0387-y STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 161 APPENDIX A: Screening Interview Script Hello, my name is Morgan Loewen and I am a graduate student in the Department of Counselling Psychology at Trinity Western University. Thank you for expressing interest in participating in this research study and taking the time to contact me. This research study is for my master’s thesis, and my supervisor is Dr. Chelsea Beyers. This study aims to learn about the role of sexual embodiment (how we live and experience our sexual bodies internally and in the world around us) in their stories and experiences after purity culture. Participation in the study involves two confidential recorded interviews of about one to two-and-a-half hours each, at Trinity Western University. What is unique about this study is that I do not just want to hear your talk about your stories, but I want to invite you to engage with telling the story through art. We will be using art to tell your story using images, drawing, or collage on an outline of your body. You do not be an artist to engage in this study! But the hope is that art can be a way that you and I uncover some different layers to your story that talking alone does not always capture or allow you to express. During the first session, I will ask you questions around your experience growing up as a girl within Evangelical Christianity specific to purity culture and where you are today. We will then retell this story using some exercises on your body map. During the second session I will ask you about some of the specific ways in which purity culture still impacts you today, your areas of strength and support, and who you hope to become. We will then put these themes onto your body map as well. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 162 Throughout this process, we will be creating a key to help me understand why you have chosen certain symbols or images to help with the research process. In many ways, you will be a co-researcher with me. You will be the expert in your own story! Once these two sessions have occurred, I will send you an initial summary of themes from your interviews and body map. The final step will be for me to send you a summary of themes from the combined interviews and participants in this study. To determine whether you and this research study are a good fit for one another, I have six questions to ask you. All information that you share with me will remain confidential. Some of the following questions involve personal, potentially uncomfortable topics. If you are unsure about how to answer any of the questions, or if you do not feel comfortable answering a question, let me know. I can help clarify the question, or we can move onto the next one if you so choose. Are you alright with moving on to the questions now? (If interviewee answers “yes” then proceed with interview. If interviewee answers “no” then conclude interview, and thank them for their time.) 1. Were you raised as a girl through puberty? 2. Were you within an Evangelical Christian purity culture space during this time? 3. Has your understanding of sex and sexuality since then changed? 4. Do you feel comfortable communicating (both written and orally) in English? 5. Is there any reason that you can think of that might contribute to you finding participation in a study about sexual embodiment and purity culture difficult? 6. Is there any reason you can think of that might contribute to you finding participation in a study involving experiential exercises, like using art, difficult? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 163 That marks the end of the set of questions that I have for you. Do you have any questions or concerns? Based on what I’ve shared with you, are you still interested in participating in this study? If so, can we now set up a time for the first interview? Name: ___________________________________ Pronouns: _____________ Gender identity: ________________________ Sexual orientation: ______________________ Phone number:__________________________ Email address (if applicable): ____________________________________ Preferred time and day for contact:_________________________________________ Preferred meeting time and location:________________________________________ STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE APPENDIX B: Recruitment Poster 164 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 165 APPENDIX C: Body mapping Space and Materials Requirements The recommended list of materials from Gastaldo et. al’s (2012) Body mapping protocols is as follows: • large sized paper for body mapping (life size) • scrap paper for draft sketches or to check color • crayons or pencil crayons (do not use waxed crayons if you plan to laminate) • markers • pencils • paint (washable) • paintbrushes • jugs (to be filled with water for washing paint brushes) • glue • scissors • coloured paper • magazines (make sure that the images represent your population) • gloves • anatomical diagrams to use for reference • binder of common images for participants to copy and past to save time (e.g. people, churches, transportation, families, friendships, etc.) The physical space for body mapping sessions needs to be confidential and large enough for participants to easily have an outline of their body traced. Other accessibility and comfort materials include music for participant comfort and reflection throughout the body mapping STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 166 exercises. Another accessibility issue is ensuring that participants can either do their body maps completely on the ground or with a table large enough for the body map. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 167 APPENDIX D: Session 1 Interview Protocol Participant pseudonym: Interview Start Time: Pronouns: Interview End Time: Date: Informed Consent: Orientating Statement Welcome and thank you for taking part in this study. As a reminder, the purpose of this study is to learn about the role of sexual embodiment (how we live and experience our sexual bodies internally and in the world around us) in their stories and experiences after purity culture. There is information on how purity culture has negatively impacted aspects of people’s sexual health and ability to be in their bodies, especially people raised as girls, but very little examines the overall impact for people and purity culture. The research question guiding this study is: how do people raised as girls experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? Today, I will ask you questions around your experience growing up as a girl within Evangelical Christianity specific to purity culture. We will then retell this story using some exercises on your body map. This process should take approximately 1.5 – 2 hours. As a reminder, you are not obligated to discuss anything or answer any questions that you are not comfortable discussing or answering at any point during the interview and body mapping exercises. Do you have any questions before we begin? General Questions: 1. Tell me about who you are and your upbringing in purity culture. 2. How did you feel about your sexual body, especially in relation to purity culture? 3. How would you summarize some of you key purity culture experiences? Probes: • How were you taught to value your mind, body, and/or sexuality? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 168 o What messages did you receive about God, sex, and sexuality? o What messages did you get growing up about God, your body and its senses and responses, and your developing sexuality? • How were you taught to value other’s mind, body, and/or sexuality? • What purity culture beliefs apply most to you and your upbringing? • What belief is the hardest to let go of? • How would you describe yourself as a person within purity culture? Are you different now? How?” • What do you think has been the biggest change? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 169 APPENDIX E: Session 1 Body Mapping Protocol Table E1 Session 1 Body mapping Protocol: Exercise 1 Script Exercise 1: Introduction to Body Mapping (5 - 10 minutes) Purpose • to introduce the relationship of body mapping to the goals of the research project • to remind participants of any intimidation related to drawing • to introduce the art materials, and demonstrate how each material can be used Instructions Before beginning the body mapping activities, take a few minutes to remind the participant what body mapping is about and how it will be used in this study. Walk through the room with the participant, pointing to the materials that are available for use and show the participant how to use them (if applicable). Ask the participant if they have any questions before beginning about the process. Potential As part of this project, we are going to use the body to explore how your script or upbringings and purity culture have impacted your sexuality, including your questions to sexual health and sexual well-being. We will try to capture your experience guide the in a visual way. exercise Together, we will draw your body and the world you live in. For this, we will use various materials such as magazine clippings, pictures from the Internet, etc. You do not need be afraid of doing this “artistic” work. I am here to help you. The most important thing is that you focus and enjoy the process. As I give you prompts please remember they are not directions, just invitations or suggestions. You know yourself and your experiences best! There is no pressure to draw or paint about something you don’t want to. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 170 Exercise 1: Introduction to Body Mapping (5 - 10 minutes) You know yourself the best! There is no pressure to draw or paint about something you don’t want to. Do you have any questions? Reminders or • special considerations Keep a check on the general health and energy level of the participant. • Remember that the participant has the right to refuse to do the body mapping activity. In this case, you may want to have a longer interview session or think of modified activities for the participant to do. Note: Adapted from Gastaldo, et al., (2012) and Malecki et al., (2023) body map interview protocols. Table E2 Session 1 Body mapping Protocol: Exercise 2 Script Exercise 2: Body Tracing (20 minutes) Purpose • to trace an outline of the participant’s body in a posture that is most characteristic of who they are, their sexual body, or how they feel in relation to their purity culture upbringing and sexuality Instructions 1. Ask the participant to take off their shoes and any extra clothing if you think it will interfere with drawing the outline (i.e. bulky sweater/jacket, wet shoes, etc). 2. Ask the participant to think of a posture that represents who they are, their upbringing around purity culture, or how they feel about their sexual body in relation to purity culture. 3. Ask the participant to lie down on the sheet of large paper in that posture, while you trace their body outline with a pencil or grey charcoal. 4. While tracing, ask the participant questions to maintain the flow of the session (see sample questions to ask below). STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 171 Exercise 2: Body Tracing (20 minutes) 5. After helping the participant get up, ask them to pick a color for their body outline that best represents who they are. 6. Finally, ask the participant to choose a paint colour to represent their hands. Participants may choose to imprint their hands directly on their body map. Potential 1. The first step in creating your body map is to trace your body shape script or questions to on this large sheet of paper. 2. Because we can’t possibly trace ourselves, I will be tracing the body guide the outline for you. I have some suggestions for how we might navigate exercise this, but I want to check-in with you first. How does me tracing an outline of you sound? 3. Please remove your shoes or any excessive clothing/accessories you may have on that may interfere with the tracing of the body (e.g. bulky jacket, hat, purse, etc). 4. I would like you to think about a position or a posture that best represents who you are, your sexual body, or how you feel in relation to your purity culture upbringing and sexual body? (e.g. working posture, sleeping, dancing, etc). 5. While tracing the body, ask the following: a. “How were you taught to value your mind, body, and/or sexuality?,” b. “How were you taught to value other’s mind, body, and/or sexuality?,” c. “What was most important to your family?” d. “Which/what purity culture beliefs applies most to you and your upbringing?” e. “What belief is the hardest to let go of?” f. “How would you describe yourself as a person within purity culture? Are you different now? How?” g. “What do you think has been the biggest change?” STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 172 Exercise 2: Body Tracing (20 minutes) h. How do you describe yourself right now? Reminders or • special Participants may have difficulty deciding on a position that characterizes them, and if this is the case, it may be useful to jot a considerations few ideas down on paper or brainstorm before getting into the position. Some positions may be difficult to draw, especially if the participant decides to lie down on their side which means only one arm and only one leg will appear in the tracing. In this case, take some time to think about where the arm/leg would appear in the inside of the body and help the participant draw in these missing pieces. • Tracing around particular areas of the participant’s body may feel uncomfortable. One way to get around this is to trace a few inches away from the participant so that you do not have to come in direct contact with their body. Another option is to skip areas that make you feel uncomfortable and draw them in once the participant has stood up. Note: Adapted from Gastaldo, et al., (2012) and Malecki et al., (2023) body map interview protocols. Table E3 Session 1 Body mapping Protocol: Exercise 3 Script Exercise 3: The Journey (60 minutes) Purpose • to explore representations of the participant’s roots, identity, family/church of origin, and where they are now • to map out the journey they have made and their reasons for coming into this study Instructions 1. Ask the participant to think about and draw symbols on their body map that represent their family/church of origin or who they used to be within church/family. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 173 Exercise 3: The Journey (60 minutes) 2. Ask the participant to think about and draw symbols on their body map that represent who they are now, how they live within their bodies, church communities (or lack thereof), and/or sexual relationships. 3. Then, ask the participant to draw pictures or symbols about their life today. 4. Encourage the participant to make connections between the two places (e.g. roads, arrows, etc), and symbols of things within this trajectory, (e.g. how they “arrived” to the session today, other places they “arrived” at before getting here, people they came with or encountered, etc) Potential script or questions to guide the exercise 1. Now we are going to summarize key purity culture experiences. Through this exercise, we want to capture where you come from (e.g. church of origin), how you got here and how you currently live. a. I want you to think about where you have come from and where you are now. b. E.g. what symbols come to mind when you think about your church or family of origin? Do these symbols or images represent people who still are there? This could be traditional rituals, food or drinks, a sport or activity. c. I encourage you to think about the times in your life in your journey that may have been a catalyst for change, where you were doing one thing and then shifted towards doing another. d. Think about what happened to disrupt your journeys. The people around you, anything that signified a shift. e. Can you draw a symbol for that shift? f. Can you identify any emotion that might sit alongside the shift, before during or after? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 174 Exercise 3: The Journey (60 minutes) 2. Now, I want you to think about your journey to where you are today. Which symbols or images represent this journey? (e.g. other places you visited before coming, people who helped you). a. What comes to mind when you think about your sexual life, your sexual body, and where you are now? b. How did you feel when you first started your journey away from purity culture? Reminders or • It is important to encourage the participant to speak about and special describe the journey. How did they feel when they first made this considerations journey? Were they scared? Who did they connect with? Based on what you know from the interview, you may want to use this opportunity to clarify some details about why they came. • Please keep in mind that you want to keep the body map as free as possible for potentially identifying information, so if needed, remind participants that the use of specific names of places or people should be avoided. Note: Adapted from Gastaldo, et al., (2012) and Malecki et al., (2023) body map interview protocols. Exercise 4: Mindfulness Check-out Below is a mindfulness body scan as recommended by Malecki et al., (2023) in their body mapping protocols. To finish off this exercise, I would like to close with a mindfulness exercise to ground yourself and thank the parts of yourself that showed up today. Do you have any questions before we begin? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 175 I invite you to sit in a comfortable position or seat. You can close your eyes, if that feels comfortable, or keep them open while focusing with a soft gaze. We start by taking a few deep breaths, and notice our inhale and exhale. I invite you to notice the connection between your body and the ground. Notice how the ground or the chair beneath you supports you. If at any point during the exercise you feel overwhelmed, you can return back to the present moment, your breath, or the sensation of your body and its connection to the ground. Start by bringing your attention to the top of your head, and notice how it feels. Is it cool or hot? Soft, or tense? Slowly, move your awareness down from the top of your head through your body. Any sensations, tension, or emotions that arise, just gently notice without judgment as you move down your body. Returning to the breath or your connection to the ground throughout the exercise. As you scan through your body you might notice different sensations or emotions. These may be pleasant or difficult. However they show up today, take a moment to acknowledge them. You may feel tension in your shoulders, so you might say “hello, shoulders. I see you.” You can return to the breath or your connection to the ground throughout the exercise, if noticing a part or a sensation becomes too overwhelming. As you continue scanning your body, you might encounter parts that are more difficult. When you come across these parts, sensations, or emotions, take a moment to thank them for trying to protect or help you. You might say, “thank you anxiety, for keeping me safe. I appreciate your efforts.” As you express gratitude towards these parts, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel the way you do. Offer kindness and understanding to each part, sensation, or emotion that comes up. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 176 Complete the body scan by making your way all the way down to your toes, returning your awareness back to your breath once you are done. Take a moment to feel gratitude for the time you’ve spent just now connecting with yourself, as well as over the past 2 hours. As you return to the present moment, take a few more deep breaths. You can begin to notice your connection to the room, the sounds and sensations. And when you feel ready, opening your eyes. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 177 APPENDIX F: Session 2 Interview Protocol Participant Pseudonym: Interview Start Time: Pronouns: Interview End Time: Date: Informed Consent: Y/N Orientating Statement Welcome back and thank you again for taking part in this study. As a reminder, the purpose of this study is to learn about the role of sexual embodiment (how we live and experience our sexual bodies internally and in the world around us) in their stories and experiences after purity culture. There is information on how purity culture has negatively impacted aspects of people’s sexual health and ability to be in their bodies, especially people raised as girls, but very little examines the overall impact for people and purity culture. The research question guiding this study is: how do people raised as girls experience sexual embodiment after purity culture? Last time we looked at your experiences growing up as a girl within Evangelical Christianity specific to purity culture which we talked about and explored with the body map. Today, I will ask you some more specific questions about the ways in which purity culture still impacts you today (like sexual health and wellness), areas of strength and support, as well as looking to the future and who you hope to become. We will then retell this story using some exercises on your body map. This process should take approximately 1.5 – 2 hours. As a reminder, you are not obligated to discuss anything or answer any questions that you are not comfortable discussing or answering at any point during the interview and body mapping exercises. Do you have any questions before we begin? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 178 General Questions: 1. I want to first check-in with how our last interview session was. How did you find it? Is there anything you have been reflecting on that you want to add or tell me today? 2. Tell me about how you describe your sexuality and how this impacts your body, sex, or even general well-being. 3. Tell me about key people, groups, or things in your life that support you and the challenges you face with sexuality. 4. What do you think your relationship with your sexual body will look like in the future? Probes: • “how do you describe yourself right now?” • “how do you currently feel or experience your sexual health/well-being/sexuality?,” • “what is your sex life/sexuality like today? What are some of the risks? What kind of protective/preventative measures are used?, • “what kind of relationship do you have with your partner/s,” • “who gives you support? It can be an organization, a person, your spirituality.” STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 179 APPENDIX G: Session 2 Body Mapping Protocol Table G1 Session 2 Body mapping Protocol: Exercise 1 Script Exercise 1: Marks On/Under the Skin (35 minutes) Purpose • To visually represent participants’ sexual embodiment. • To represent the impact of their sexual embodiment on their body (Note: Impacts can be physical, mental, emotional, etc) Instructions 1. Ask the participant to brainstorm some the issues that they would like to see represented around the body (e.g. physical conditions of sex/sexuality, safety, hierarchical relations, abuse, bad relationships/good relationships, etc) 2. After brainstorming, choose some (or all) of the issues that were raised and ask the participant to draw or use symbols to capture such experiences 3. Then, ask participants to scan their body map from head to toe, and identify specific marks on their body. These can be scars, past wounds/injuries or areas of stress and emotion. Ask participants to think about “marks” in a broad way (i.e. they can be marks on or under the skin (e.g. places where they have gotten surgery, areas in/on the body where they experience pain, illness or stress, diet/nutrition, smoking). 4. Ask participants to elaborate on such marks by asking questions such as: Where did you get that scar? How did it happen? 5. Then, while you are drawing some of these symbols remember to ask the participant what they do for health promotion. You may want to elaborate on things already mentioned in the interview Potential script or questions to guide the exercise 1. In this exercise, I would like you to think about how to represent your sexual embodiment whether it’s your sexuality, your STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 180 Exercise 1: Marks On/Under the Skin (35 minutes) relationship with your partner/s, and/or how these things impact your body and your well-being. a. What kind of figures, symbols or images represent your sexuality today? b. What is your sex life like? What are some of the risks? What kind of protective/ preventive measures are used? c. How do you want to represent the kind of relationship you have with your partner/s? (if applicable) 2. Now, if you look from head to toe your body map, can you identify any specific marks on your body that are related to your past or current health? (e.g. surgery, illness, stress, mental health problems, smoking, etc). a. How did you get these marks on your body? What happened? Reminders or • special Participants may want to show all or none of their marks on the body map—respect this and try to support the process by encouraging considerations marks they are willing to describe. • Drawing marks might bring up traumatic experiences, so it is important to check in on participants, offer them a break, or if needed, counselling. Note: Adapted from Gastaldo, et al., (2012) and Malecki et al., (2023) body map interview protocols. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 181 Table G2 Session 2 Body mapping Protocol: Exercise 2 Script Exercise 2: Body Scanning (20 minutes) Purpose • To represent the impact of purity culture on sexuality, such as gender, race, and access to sexuality, sexual education services that may promote/inhibit well-being. • To locate and visualize participants’ place of personal power and strength Instructions 1. Ask and help the participant identify key experiences that they have faced within purity culture (salient examples may include coming out for Queer participants). 2. Select key experiences to represent and ask the participant to think about symbols or images to capture such experiences. 3. Encourage participants to make connections between their sexuality drawings and the body (e.g. lines, arrows, etc), and add symbols within this trajectory. 4. Ask participants to think about where in their body or environment they get the strength to overcome the challenges they have faced. 5. Help participants make a connection between this area of strength or personal power and their personal slogan/symbol (if relevant). Potential script or 1. In this exercise, we want to explore all aspects of being a sexual body. This includes issues related to gender, race, spirituality, social questions to guide the exercise relations and your relationships. 2. Have you ever faced challenges in your social, spiritual, emotional life? What kind of difficulties / challenges were these? (e.g. genderbased discrimination, racism, exclusion from services, etc) STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 182 Exercise 2: Body Scanning (20 minutes) 3. Now I want you to think about your strength and courage when facing these problems. 4. Where does your strength come from? Where do you get the courage to keep moving forward? a. Scan your body map and focus on finding where this personal strength comes from. Does it come from your arms? Your mind? It is related to your personal slogan? Reminders or • special Participants may want to show all or none of their marks on the body map—respect this and try to support the process by encouraging considerations marks they are willing to describe. • Drawing marks might bring up traumatic experiences, so it is important to check in on participants, offer them a break, or if needed, counselling. Note: Adapted from Gastaldo, et al., (2012) and Malecki et al., (2023) body map interview protocols. Table G3 Session 2 Body mapping Protocol: Exercise 3 Script Exercise 3: Drawing the Future (15 minutes) Purpose • To explore what participants are moving towards, their goals, and what they are striving for in relation to their sexual embodiment. Instructions 1. Ask the participant to think about a symbol or image that captures what they are working towards or what the future holds for them. 2. Ask them to draw this symbol in a place in their body map that represents the fulfillment of such a goal, or what they are striving for. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 183 Exercise 3: Drawing the Future (15 minutes) 3. Ask the participant to choose a color to represent reaching for this goal. Potential 1. Finally, I would like you to think about your future. script or 2. What do you think will happen? Where do you think you will be? questions to guide the What do you think your relationship with sexual body will look like? 3. How do you imagine your future? What is your vision, your goal or exercise your dream? 4. What are you working towards? It may be something material, physical, emotional or spiritual. Reminders or • special Participants may find it difficult to name or draw what they are striving for. Perhaps they have never thought critically about their considerations future. Remind them that what they are striving for can be a “goal,” a “vision,” or a “dream” (it can be material, physical, spiritual, and emotional). • Participants may find it difficult to draw or express an emotion. In this case, encourage them to use color or shapes that remind them of the emotion (i.e. use symbols, rather than realistic portrayals of the emotion, goal, etc). Note: Adapted from Gastaldo, et al., (2012) and Malecki et al., (2023) body map interview protocols. Exercise 4: Mindfulness Check-out Below is a mindfulness body scan as recommended by Malecki et al., (2023) in their body mapping protocols. To finish of this exercise, I would like to close with a mindfulness exercise to ground yourself and thank the parts of yourself that showed up today. Do you have any questions before we begin? STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 184 I invite you to sit in a comfortable position or seat. You can close your eyes, if that feels comfortable, or keep them open while focusing with a soft gaze. We start by taking a few deep breaths, and notice our inhale and our exhale. I invite you to notice the connection between your body and the ground. Notice how the ground or the chair beneath you supports you. If at any point during the exercise you feel overwhelmed you can return back to the present moment, the breath, or the sensation of your body and it’s connection to the ground. Start by bringing your attention to the top of your head, and notice how it feels. Is it cool or hot? Soft, or tense? Slowly, move your awareness down from the top of your head through your body. Any sensations, tension, or emotions that arise just gently notice without judgment as you move down your body. Returning to the breath or your connection to the ground throughout the exercise. As you scan through your body you might notice different sensations or emotions. These may be pleasant or difficult. However they show up today, take a moment to acknowledge them. You may feel tension in your shoulders, so you might say “hello, shoulders. I see you.” You can return to the breath or your connection to the ground throughout the exercise, if noticing a part becomes too overwhelming. As you continue scanning your body, you might encounter parts that are more difficult. When you come across these parts, sensations, or emotions, take a moment to thank them for trying to protect or help you. You might say, “thank you anxiety, for keeping me safe. I appreciate your efforts.” As you express gratitude towards these parts, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel the way you do. Offer kindness and understanding to each part, sensation, or emotion that comes up. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 185 Complete the body scan by making your way all the way down to your toes, returning your awareness back to your breath once you are done. Take a moment to feel gratitude for the time you’ve spent just now connecting with yourself, as well as over the past 2 hours. As you return to the present moment, take a few more deep breaths. You can begin to notice your connection to the room, the sounds and sensations. And when you feel ready, opening your eyes. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 186 APPENDIX H: Debriefing Script Thank-you for participating in my study “Stories of Sexual Embodiment Post-Purity Culture.” As a reminder, the purpose of this study is to learn about the role of people’s experiences of sexual embodiment—how people live and experience their sexual bodies internally and in the world around—in their stories after purity culture. I deeply appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to share during our interview sessions. If at any point you feel unsure or uncomfortable about what was shared, please reach out. As per the consent form you signed at the beginning of the study, you are able to withdraw consent at until data analysis begins. Data analysis for this project will begin on [insert date here]. If you have any questions or desire further information with respect to this study, you may contact me, Morgan Loewen, at morgan.loewen@mytwu.ca or my supervisor Chelsea Beyer at chelsea.beyer@twu.ca. If you have any concerns about your treatment or rights as a research participant, you may contact the Ethics Compliance Officer in the Office of the Research, Trinity Western University at 604-513-2167 or HREB@twu.ca. I will contact you again once I have the initial results, to check in and see if the results fit and resonate with you. The estimated time I will be able to get back to you is around [insert month here]. I will make sure to contact you if this date changes at all. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions related to the study before then if they come up. Thank-you again, Morgan STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 187 APPENDIX I: Participant Consent Form Par$cipant Consent Form Stories of Sexual Embodiment Post-Purity Culture Principal Inves;gator Morgan Loewen, Department, Trinity Western University, (506) 321-7376, and morgan.loewen@mytwu.ca. As a Graduate student, I am required to conduct research as part of the requirements for a degree in Counselling Psychology. This research is part of a thesis and will be made public following complePon. It is being conducted under the supervision of Chelsea Beyer, PhD. You may contact my supervisor at chelsea.beyer@twu.ca. Purpose The purpose of this research is to learn about the role of people’s experiences of sexual embodiment— how people live and experience their sexual bodies internally and, in the world around—aVer purity culture. Societal messages have the potenPal to either foster connecPon or disconnecPon to the sexual body. Disconnected sexual embodiment in people raised as girls oVen presents as negaPve sexual health symptoms like sexual pain and dysfuncPon, low sexual agency, and high sex guilt and shame. Purity culture is a cultural force with messages and experiences associated with these negaPve sexual health outcomes, yet purity culture's role in sexual embodiment is unexplored. This study hopes to examine people raised as girls stories of sexual embodiment aVer purity culture through interviews and arPsPc expression. You are being asked to parPcipate because of your past experiences and upbringing within purity culture. Specifically, you have specified that you were raised as a girl throughout puberty, are currently 19+ years old, and are willing to talk about your experiences of sexual embodiment. What is involved ParPcipaPon in the study will involve two confiden;al recorded interviews of about one to two-and-ahalf hours each, at Trinity Western University in Langley, BC. The study consists of a verbal interview as well as an arts-based component to tell your story using images, drawing, or collage on a life-size body outline, called a body map. During the first session, I will ask you quesPons around your experience growing up as a girl within Evangelical ChrisPanity specific to purity culture and how you arrived here today. We will then retell this story using some exercises on your body map. During the second session I will ask you about some of the specific ways in which purity culture sPll impacts you today, your areas of strength and support, as well as who you hope to become, and this will then be put on the body map. Throughout this process we will be helping me create a key to decipher why you have chosen certain symbols or images to help with my research process. In many ways, you will be a co-researcher with me (Morgan Loewen). You are the expert in your own story! Once all the sessions have occurred, I will send you an iniPal summary of themes from your interview and body map. The final step will be for me to send you a summary of themes from the combined interviews in this study. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 188 Following the complePon of my research, parPcipants will have access to the completed research. Upon complePon of the thesis, parPcipants will receive a pdf copy via email of the completed thesis. Poten;al Risks and Discomforts There are some potenPal risks to you by parPcipaPng in this research, including exploring your personal experiences of embodiment along with sexual experiences, and there is a possibility that you may feel uncomfortable or difficult emoPons during or aVer the interviews. To prevent or manage these risks, I will make sure to check in with you throughout the interview process. Considering the potenPally sensiPve nature of the interview topics, please communicate with the researcher should you feel distressed. You can take a break from or end the interview at any Pme. If you choose to end the interview, debriefing and a list of referral sources for professional support can be provided aVer each interview. AddiPonally, any data collected that you wish to receive will be provided upon request. Any data collected aVer your withdrawal will not be included in the final study and its publicaPons. Poten;al Benefits to Par;cipants and/or to Society There are some potenPal benefits to you as a result of parPcipaPng in this research, including experiencing a greater awareness of yourself and your personal experiences through the interviews or body mapexperience. You may also feel a sense of saPsfacPon knowing that your parPcipaPon in the study will contribute to helping professionals becer understand the role of young people’s sexual embodiment and healing aVer purity culture. Remunera;on/Compensa;on To thank you for parPcipaPng and compensaPng you for any inconvenience related to this parPcipaPon, you will be given a $25 giV credit card. If you choose to withdraw from the study prior to complePon, the giV card will sPll be provided. At the end of the project, you will be invited to take-home your completed body map. Confiden;ality and Anonymity To protect your privacy, any idenPfying informaPon will be kept separate from data collected throughout the interviews and body maps, and your name and contact informaPon will not be linked with the report. Your name and all idenPfying informaPon will also be kept confidenPal and not shared with other research parPcipants. A pseudonym, which you will be invited to choose, will be used for transcripts and for communicaPng research findings. Photos of your body map will be taken once completed. If you choose, you may keep your body map upon complePon aVer photos for the study have been taken. Any idenPfiable features or informaPon on your body map will be taken under careful consideraPon, and the invesPgator will ensure that such informaPon will be appropriately blurred out or censored before any disseminaPon of research findings. Data maintenance Electronic data from this study (video/audio recording files, transcripts, photos of body maps) will be encrypted and kept on a password-protected USB drive. Your physical body map will be kept in a locked room in-between sessions. Only the principal invesPgator (Morgan Loewen) and supervisor will have access to this informaPon. All physical body maps, if not taken by parPcipants, will be destroyed aVer publicaPon. All digital data will only be used for the purposes of this project and will be destroyed aVer five years. STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE 189 Contact for informa;on about the study If you have any quesPons or desire further informaPon with respect to this study, you may contact Morgan Loewen at morgan.loewen@mytwu.ca or her supervisor Chelsea Beyer at chelsea.beyer@twu.ca. Contact for concerns about the rights of research par;cipants If you have any concerns about your treatment or rights as a research parPcipant, you may contact the Ethics Compliance Officer in the Office of Research, Trinity Western University at 604-513-2167 or HREB@twu.ca. Consent Your participation in this study is entirely voluntary and you may refuse to participate or withdraw from the study at any time without jeopardy to your compensation ($25 gift credit card). To withdraw from the study, please contact the principal investigator via email, (morgan.loewen@mytwu.ca), expressing your decision. Withdrawal will be possible at any point until data analysis begins. Participants will be notified of when this process will begin their debriefing email sent after their second session. Upon withdrawal, all physical and digital data pertaining to your participation will be promptly deleted or destroyed. Signatures Your signature below indicates that you have had your ques6ons about the study answered to your sa6sfac6on and have received a copy of this consent form for your own records. Your signature indicates that you consent to par6cipate in this study. ___________________________________________ Research Participant Signature _______________________ Date _____________________________________________________________ Printed Name of the Research Participant (or Parent or Guardian) signing above STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE APPENDIX J: Claire Additional Body Map Images Figure J1 Claire’s Body Map: Lantern and Keys 190 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure J2 Claire’s Body Map: Slut-Shamed Claire 191 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure J3 Claire’s Body Map: Pure/sanctity Claire 192 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure J4 Claire’s Body Map: Relaxed Claire Note. This is a zoomed in image of Claire’s “Relaxed” version of herself. 193 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE APPENDIX K: Bryce Additional Body Map Images Figure K1 Top Portion of Bryce’s Body Map 194 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure K2 Bottom Portion of Bryce’s Body Map 195 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE APPENDIX L: Quinn Additional Body Map Images Figure L1 Top Portion of Quinn’s Body Map 196 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure L2 Bottom Portion of Quinn’s Body Map 197 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE APPENDIX M: Chris Additional Body Map Images Figure M1 Top Portion of Chris’s Body Map 198 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure M2 Chris’s Arm on Her Body Map 199 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure M3 Mid-Section of Chris’s Body Map 200 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure M4 Bottom of Chris’s Body Map 201 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE APPENDIX N: Parker Additional Body Map Images Figure N1 Top Portion of Parker’s Body Map 202 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure N2 Mid-section of Parker’s Body Map 203 STORIES OF SEXUAL EMBODIMENT POST-PURITY CULTURE Figure N3 Bottom of Parker’s Body Map 204