Running head: VOICES OF SELF-COMPASSION VOICES OF SELF-COMPASSION IN PARENTS OF TWICE-EXCEPTIONAL CHILDREN by DARCIE ROSALIE BROWN Bachelor of Arts with Distinction, University of the Fraser Valley, 2017 Thesis Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of MASTER OF ARTS IN COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY in the FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES TRINITY WESTERN UNIVERSITY September 2019 © Darcie Rosalie Brown, 2019 i ii Abstract Twice-exceptional children are gifted and have at least one area of disability. This combination presents unique parenting challenges that are important to understand given the central role that parents play in the success of their twice-exceptional children. Self-compassion is treating oneself with understanding and acceptance when faced with imperfections; it has been shown to be a powerful source of coping and resilience for a wide range of populations. This constructivist study used the listening guide—a qualitative, relational, voice-centred method (Gilligan, 2015) where 7 self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children were interviewed about their understandings of self-compassion in parenting. Data analysis revealed three groupings of voices: Presence and Wise voices were the voices of self-compassion, and Demand voices emerged as a dissonant, non-self-compassionate counterpoint. The four themes that emerged revealed parents used self-compassion to weather challenges, to remain mindful despite difficulties, to engage wiser problem-solving, and to nurture important relationships. Keywords: self-compassion, twice-exceptional, parenting children with special needs, listening guide iii Table of Contents Abstract ........................................................................................................................................... ii Table of Contents ........................................................................................................................... iii Acknowledgments........................................................................................................................ viii Chapter 1: Introduction ................................................................................................................... 1 Chapter 2: Literature Review .......................................................................................................... 4 Twice-Exceptional .......................................................................................................................... 4 Giftedness ............................................................................................................................ 6 Disability ............................................................................................................................. 6 Gifted with Specific Learning Disability .............................................................. 7 Gifted with Autism Spectrum Disorder ................................................................ 7 Gifted with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder ............................................ 8 Parental Stress with Twice-Exceptional Children............................................................... 8 Parental Stress and Coping ............................................................................................................. 9 Coping as a Process ........................................................................................................... 10 Stress and Personal Growth .............................................................................................. 13 Self-Compassion ........................................................................................................................... 13 Self-Kindness and Self-Judgment ..................................................................................... 14 Common Humanity and Isolation ..................................................................................... 15 Mindfulness and Over-Identification ................................................................................ 15 Theoretical Interrelations .................................................................................................. 16 Evolutionary View of Self-Compassion ........................................................................... 17 Benefits of Self-Compassion ............................................................................................ 17 iv Stress, Coping, and Self-Compassion ............................................................................... 18 Self-Compassion and Parenting Children with Special Needs ......................................... 19 Self-Compassion and Parenting Twice-Exceptional Children.......................................... 21 Chapter 3: Methods ....................................................................................................................... 22 Research Paradigm ............................................................................................................ 22 Ontology ............................................................................................................. 23 Epistemology ...................................................................................................... 23 Axiology ............................................................................................................. 24 Research Design ................................................................................................................ 25 Intellectual Heritage ............................................................................................ 25 Rationale for Using Listening Guide .................................................................. 26 Ontological Rationale ........................................................................... 26 Epistemological Rationale .................................................................... 26 Axiological Rationale ........................................................................... 27 Methodological Rationale ..................................................................... 27 Researcher-As-Instrument .................................................................................. 28 Participants .......................................................................................................... 29 Sample Size .......................................................................................... 29 Sampling Strategies and Recruitment ................................................... 30 Demographics ....................................................................................... 31 Researcher Roles and Relationships ..................................................... 31 Sources of Data ................................................................................................... 31 Interview Philosophy ............................................................................ 32 v Interview Prompts and Protocol ........................................................... 32 Interview Data ...................................................................................... 33 Obtaining and Storing Information ....................................................... 33 Research Team .................................................................................................... 34 Data Analysis .................................................................................................................... 34 Listening Guide Steps ......................................................................................... 35 Step 1: Listening for the Plot and Listeners’ Response ........................ 35 Step 2: Listening for the ‘I’ .................................................................. 36 Step 3: Listening for Contrapuntal Voices ........................................... 36 Step 4: Composing an Analysis ............................................................ 37 Data Management Procedures ............................................................................ 38 Trustworthiness, Rigour, and Quality ............................................................................... 39 Credibility ........................................................................................................... 39 Transferability ..................................................................................................... 40 Confirmability ..................................................................................................... 40 Analysis Notes .................................................................................................... 41 Depth of Interpretation ........................................................................................ 41 Chapter 4: Results ......................................................................................................................... 43 Presentation of Findings ................................................................................................... 43 Kyrah: “He’s Getting There on His Own Time” .............................................................. 43 Amber: “I Have to Be More” ............................................................................................ 56 Robin: “I Have a Better Understanding” .......................................................................... 67 Ruth: “We’re Modeling Grace for Our Kids” ................................................................... 77 vi Cheryl: “We’re All Human” ............................................................................................. 89 Celeste: “Self-Compassion Begets Self-Compassion” ................................................... 100 Mary: “I Needed to Take Care of Myself”...................................................................... 110 Assertions About the Voices ........................................................................................... 120 Applying the Voices to the Research Questions ............................................... 121 Presence Voices .................................................................................. 121 Wise Voices ........................................................................................ 123 Demand Voices ................................................................................... 126 Role of Self-Compassion .................................................................... 128 Chapter 5: Discussion ................................................................................................................. 132 Summary of the Research Problem ................................................................................. 132 Summary of the Findings ................................................................................................ 133 Contributions to Literature .............................................................................................. 134 Contributions to Theory .................................................................................................. 136 Stress and Coping ............................................................................................. 137 Self-Compassion ............................................................................................... 138 Clinical Implications ....................................................................................................... 139 Limitations ...................................................................................................................... 142 Future Directions ............................................................................................................. 143 Conclusion ...................................................................................................................... 144 References ................................................................................................................................... 147 Appendix A: Screening Interview .............................................................................................. 165 Appendix B: Recruitment Visual Promotion .............................................................................. 169 vii Appendix C: Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form ................................................................... 170 Appendix D: Participant Demographics ..................................................................................... 172 Appendix E: Sample Step 1 ........................................................................................................ 173 Appendix F: Consent Form......................................................................................................... 174 Appendix G: Demographic Information Form ........................................................................... 176 Appendix H: First Interview Prompts ......................................................................................... 178 Appendix I: Interview Information Chart ................................................................................... 179 Appendix J: Follow-Up Interview Prompts ................................................................................ 180 Appendix K: Data Analyst Confidentiality Agreement .............................................................. 181 Appendix L: Sample I-Poem ...................................................................................................... 182 Appendix M: Sample Voice Descriptions .................................................................................. 183 Appendix N: Voices and Voice Descriptions ............................................................................. 184 Appendix O: Groups of Voices................................................................................................... 186 Appendix P: Themes and Voices ................................................................................................ 187 viii Acknowledgments My deepest gratitude to Heather Friesen for gently introducing me to self-compassion. I would like to express my sincerest appreciation to my supervisor, Krista Socholotiuk, for her patience and time spent reviewing my thesis. Thank you for knowing how hard to push me and always offering me the direction and support I needed to complete this project to the best of my abilities. Thank you to my second reader and research lab director, Janelle Kwee, for her positive, warm enthusiasm and encouragement throughout this entire process. Many thanks to my research labmates, in particular Amy, Danielle, Sharon, and Vanessa. Being surrounded by so many smart, capable, and passionate women has made this thesis journey much more fun and rewarding. Thanks to Amy, Bart, Beth, Danielle, Glory, Nicole, and Sharon for doing analysis with me. Your insights, laughter, and conversations made the many hours of analysis a gratifying and enjoyable process. My deepest gratitude to all of the mothers who shared their stories with me. Thank you for your willingness to generously share so many moments from your beautiful and challenging lives with me. Your courage and compassion are evident in each one of your stories. My research was made possible thanks to an award from the Canadian Institutes of Health Research (CIHR). Special thanks to my friends Beth, Christie, Esther, Hannah, Kim, Sabrina, and Sharon for cheering me on and helping to keep me sane over the past few years. Thank you to the phenomenal village of professionals who have helped me raise my exceptional children. It is a long list—infant development consultants, child development consultants, supportive child development consultants, speech language pathologists, ix occupational therapists, psychologists, counsellors, behavioural consultants, behaviour interventionists, pediatricians, youth care worker, education assistants, learning support service workers, preschool to high school teachers, principals, optometrists, vision therapists, social workers, and a case manager. You have been an integral part of our family for many years and we would not be where we are today without you. To my family, Dad and Mom, Donna and Ken, Dan and Nikki, and Jason, thank you for being proud and supportive of me as I have forged this new path in life and pursued my dreams. Finally, thank you to my beautiful children, Xander, Lexi, and Justus, for inspiring me and being patient while I have been in school. You fill my heart with happiness and light. May you always passionately pursue your own unique sparks in life. Running head: VOICES OF SELF-COMPASSION 1 Chapter 1: Introduction Twice-exceptional children demonstrate the potential for high achievement or creative productivity in one or more domains AND manifest one or more disabilities (Reis, Baum, & Burke, 2014), which presents additional challenges for their parents due to the complexity and asynchronicity of their child’s development (Brody & Mills, 1997; Lovecky, 2004). There is debate in the field of psychoeducational assessment about how to define giftedness and disability, but for the purposes of this study these terms will refer to children who have high capability with respect to intellect, creativity, or specific skills, but who also have at least one cognitive, psychosocial, psychomotor disability, or who have an emotional weakness that detracts from their capabilities. It has been established that twice-exceptional children are vulnerable to discouragement, depression, frustration, anxiety, stress, and underachievement (Brody & Mills, 1997). More recently, these findings were confirmed in a systematic review of 20 years of literature about twice-exceptional children (Foley Nicpon, Allmon, Sieck, & Stinson, 2011). The complex interplay of these vulnerabilities paired with giftedness brings about additional stress for parents of twice-exceptional children, who, amongst other parenting, career, and relationship commitments, must support their children in navigating an educational and social world that often misunderstands and misconstrues the nature of their struggles (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Neumeister, Yssel, & Burney, 2013). The literature on stress and coping has provided useful frameworks that can be applied to better understand the experiences of parents of twice-exceptional children. According to Lazarus and Folkman’s (1987) transactional model of stress and coping, parents of twice-exceptional children must attempt to balance demands placed on them with their available resources by using intrapersonal and environmental resources. Perry’s (2004) model of stress, specifically 2 developed for families of children with disabilities, proposes that parents can experience positive personal growth while enduring the significant pressures and stresses of their parenting roles. Both of these theories may be usefully applied to understand and explain twice-exceptional parental stress, but there continues to be a need for further research into understanding proactive emotional coping, such as the use of self-compassion, by parents during stressful situations or periods of time. The practice of self-compassion has been around for centuries (Dalai Lama, 2001; Rinpoche & Mullen, 2005), and it has become a rapidly expanding area of research focus since Neff’s (2003a) development of the Self-Compassion Scale. By definition, self-compassion occurs when one turns towards oneself with kindness, sensitivity, and care when experiencing suffering; it is treating the self with understanding and acceptance when faced with imperfections (Germer, 2009; Neff, 2011). Self-compassion is a way of relating to oneself that can be developed through purposeful training and has been identified as a powerful source of coping and resilience for a wide range of populations (Germer, 2009; MacBeth & Gumley, 2012; Neff, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). For example, those high in self-compassion tend to report lower levels of shame (Johnson & O’Brien, 2013), depression (Neff, Kirkpatrick, & Rude, 2007), anxiety (Gilbert & Procter, 2006), negative affect (Neff & Vonk, 2009), and stress (Shapiro, Brown, & Biegel, 2007), as well as increases in motivation (Baker & McNulty, 2011), positive affect (Shapira & Mongrain, 2010), life satisfaction (Smeets, Neff, Alberts, & Peters, 2014), and well-being (Zessin, Dickhäuser, & Garbade, 2015). Given one of the most potent factors promoting resilience in twice-exceptional children is the support of their families (Dole, 2000), it is a problem that parents of twice-exceptional children experience significant parental burden and stress which may undermine this 3 support. Simple but effective ways for parents to care for themselves may benefit these families, especially considering their support needs are often missed given the complex needs of their children. Self-compassionate parents of children with other exceptionalities are known to fare better on various social, emotional, and functional outcomes (Bazzano et al., 2013; Benn, Akiva, Arel, & Roeser, 2012; Neff & Faso, 2014; Wong, Mak, & Liao, 2016), yet little is known about self-compassion in parents of twice-exceptional children. Seeing as the voices of parents of twice-exceptional children are often unattended to socially and empirically, the aim of this project was to listen explicitly to the voices of self-compassion contained in the narratives of self-compassionate parents. Given this aim, a research a method capable of establishing a contextual framework for attending to voice was needed. As such, the voices of these parents were explored using the listening guide—a qualitative, relational, and voice-centred research approach (Gilligan, 2015). It is hoped that these self-compassionate voices of parents of twiceexceptional children will foster awareness, will amplify their experience, and will use their voices to help shape and inform ways to support and care for twice-exceptional families. 4 Chapter 2: Literature Review This chapter will begin with a brief overview of twice-exceptionality, with its two contrasting poles of giftedness and disability, before exploring several models of stress and coping that can be applied to parents of twice-exceptional children. Next, the definition of selfcompassion, along with its development, benefits, and research on parenting children with special needs will be explored. Finally, stress, coping, and self-compassion for parents of twiceexceptional children will be discussed. Twice-Exceptional Historically, a high score on a general test of intelligence was viewed as a global construct that high levels of intelligence influenced all areas of a child’s development, the implication of which is that it was thought that a highly intelligent child could not also experience disabilities (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2006; Brody & Mills, 1997). Gardener’s (1983) theory of multiple intelligences has contributed to an expanded understanding of intelligence that incorporates the areas of linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily/kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, and intrapersonal intelligence. As such, in more recent years, there has been a shift in the understanding of intelligence as a multidimensional construct, allowing room for twice-exceptional children, who are by definition both gifted and who also have at least one area of disability (Baum & Olenchak, 2002; Brody & Mills, 1997; Foley Nicpon, et al., 2011; Nielsen & Higgins, 2015; Reis et al., 2014; Wang & Neihart, 2015). One of the central difficulties for those who are twice-exceptional is the lack of agreement amongst professionals regarding the definitions of giftedness and disability, how these manifest in children, and how best to assess for them (Baum & Olenchak, 2002; Brody & Mills, 1997; Dai, 2018; Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Reis et al., 2014). For this reason, Brody and Mills 5 (1997) proposed that the twice-exceptional population could be the most misunderstood of all exceptionalities. In real life, this means twice-exceptional children and their families are often invisible, or even misidentified as having behavioural or emotional concerns, and at risk of not receiving the support they need. Despite this confusion, or perhaps because of it, there has been an increased interest in twice-exceptionality as there are an estimated 360,000 twice-exceptional students in the United States; however, the exact number is unknown (Reis et al., 2014). In some cases, twice-exceptional children’s areas of giftedness may disguise their areas of disability; in other cases the areas of disability disguise their giftedness; but for others the combination of their giftedness and disability mask each other (Baum, 1990; British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2013). In a systematic review of 23 studies (N = 496) that examined the non-cognitive characteristics of children who were gifted and learning disabled, Beckmann and Minnaert (2018) found that these children presented with an intra-individual variability or duality by which they possessed weaknesses and strengths that were seeming opposites. For example, they found across studies that the characteristics of low confidence, negative attitudes towards school, self-awareness, frustration, and social withdrawal were contrasted with great perseverance, high motivation, resilience, great coping skills, and positive personality traits. Considering this intra-individual tension, it makes sense that research has found that twiceexceptional children are vulnerable to discouragement (Brody & Mills, 1997; Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Wang & Neihart, 2015), depression (Dare & Nowicki, 2015; King, 2005; Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Wang & Neihart, 2015), frustration (Brody & Mills, 1997; Wang & Neihart, 2015), anxiety (King, 2005; Wang & Neihart, 2015), stress (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011), lack of a sense of belonging (Dare & Nowicki, 2015), withdrawal (Dare & Nowicki, 2015; King, 2005), and underachievement (Brody & Mills, 1997; Dare & Nowicki, 2015; Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; 6 Wang & Neihart, 2015). Further exploration of the poles of giftedness and disability can better highlight this tension. Giftedness. The British Columbia (BC) Ministry of Education (2013) defines giftedness as possessing “demonstrated or potential abilities that give evidence of exceptionally high capability with respect to intellect, creativity, or the skills associated with specific disciplines” (p. 53). However, many children are not identified in the school system and their giftedness is recognized first by parents; in a large study of parents of twice-exceptional children (N = 1039), 87% self-reported recognizing their child’s giftedness by age 5 (Gogul, McCumsey, & Hewett, 1985). Some of the typical traits of gifted children are talking early, increased attention span, increased ability to concentrate, curiosity, areas of strong interest, sense of humour, vivid imagination, sensitivity, and early concerns with fairness and justice (Lovecky, 2004; Prober, 2016). There is an increased vulnerability for perfectionism, multipotentiality, alienation, need for intellectual stimulation, difficulty with societal role expectations, social maladjustment, and underachievement (Lovecky, 2004; Prober, 2016). Disability. A significant and common struggle for parents and twice-exceptional children is the pervasive misconception in the education system that twice-exceptional children can only receive programing for either their giftedness or disability, not both (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011). Therefore, many twice-exceptional students do not receive the full range of academic, emotional or social support they require at school, often leaving parents to advocate for it, or assume responsibility for augmenting and/or supporting their child’s academic learning at home (Besnoy, Swoszowski, Newman, Floyd, Jones, & Byrne, 2015; Dare & Nowicki, 2015; Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Neumeister et al., 2013; Rubenstein, Schelling, Wilczynski, & Hooks, 2015). Early literature about twice-exceptional children primarily refers to them as 7 gifted/learning disabled; however, there has been to be a shift in the literature to include diagnoses beyond learning disabilities (Baum, 1990; Brody & Mills, 1997). Currently, the most common diagnoses to accompany giftedness with twice-exceptional children are specific learning disability, autism spectrum disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Reis et al., 2014). Gifted with learning disability. These students are difficult to identify due to their abilities and disabilities compensating for and/or masking each other. When Reis and colleagues (2014) reviewed the literature about gifted students with learning disabilities, they found that the comorbidity led to greater intensity, whereby one exceptionality inhibited the expression of another, and that behavioural or emotional traits emerged. These children may experience internalized feelings of failure, depression, low self-efficacy, and worthlessness, or externalizing behaviours such as aggression and hyperactivity (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011). Despite these challenges, gifted students with learning disabilities often have a great capacity for motivation and confidence, and they possess adaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the stressors and frustrations they face (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011). Gifted with autism spectrum disorder. In his writings, Hans Asperger suggested that autistic behaviours were more likely to appear in children of high intelligence and superior abilities (Reis et al., 2014). Since then, research has shown that a subset of gifted children may have characteristics that appear similar to those with autism, such as an intense focus in their area of giftedness, uncooperative behaviour in school settings, and difficulty making friends with peers their own age due to their asynchronous development (Foley Nicpon, Doobay, & Assouline, 2010; Lovecky, 2004; Prober, 2016). Typically, children who are gifted and are also 8 on the autism spectrum have superior reasoning skills, yet their social and communication skills are weak (Foley Nicpon et al., 2010; Lovecky, 2004; Reis et al., 2014). Gifted with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. According to the DSM-5, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is currently viewed as a neurodevelopmental condition that manifests both cognitively with executive function and memory, as well as behaviourally with impulsivity, hyperactivity, and distractibility (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Lovecky, 2004). One of the challenges for those with the attention deficit hyperactivity disorder/giftedness twiceexceptionality is that attention deficit hyperactivity disorder symptoms sometimes overlap with the characteristics of giftedness (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Lovecky, 2004). For example, one study found that gifted boys with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder presented with (a) increased emotional intensity, (b) increased peer difficulties, and (c) their families reported increased stressors compared to boys with only attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or giftedness (Moon, Zentall, Grskovic, Hall, & Stormont, 2001). Parental stress with twice-exceptional children. Given school is one of the primary areas in which twice-exceptional children struggle, the literature on parenting twice-exceptional children has a heavy focus on the challenges parents face as they navigate the education system (Besnoy et al., 2015; Brownstein, 2015; Neumeister et al., 2013; Nielsen & Higgins, 2015; Rubenstein et al., 2015; Wang & Neihart, 2015). Research is clear that one of the most potent factors promoting resilience in twice-exceptional children is their family (Dole, 2000) and their parents play an essential role in their education by advocating within the school system (Besnoy et al., 2015; Brownstein, 2015; Dare & Nowicki, 2015; Neumeister et al., 2013; Nielsen & Higgins, 2015; Wang & Neihart, 2015), or by providing enrichment for or homeschooling their twice-exceptional children (O’brien & Giovacco-Johnson, 2007; Rubenstein et al., 2015). 9 However, it has been shown that parents of twice-exceptional children carry more than just the burden of educating their children. In a grounded theory study of parents of elementary school aged twice-exceptional children (N = 8), being deeply concerned for their child’s lifelong wellbeing was the core concern that emerged in the analysis (Besnoy et al., 2015). The unique needs of twice-exceptional children present an additional parental burden. Parents of twice-exceptional children reported that their children were especially fatiguing due to their high intellect, intense interests, asynchronous development, lack of social skills, and their need for routine, structure, and rules (Neumeister et al., 2013; Rubenstein et al., 2015). These parents were often willing to provide support at all costs for their children (Neumeister et al., 2013), as further evidenced by Brownstein’s (2015) description of how she personally hired tutors, went to numerous appointments, and even put her own career on hold to care for her three twice-exceptional children. Neumeister and colleagues (2013) caution that the success of twice-exceptional children should not rest solely on the shoulders of their parents. Nevertheless, the literature consistently demonstrates that it is often up to parents to advocate at school in addition to supporting their complex and challenging children at home (Besnoy et al., 2015; Brownstein, 2015; Dare & Nowicki, 2015; Neumeister et al., 2013; Nielsen & Higgins, 2015; O’brien & Giovacco-Johnson, 2007; Rubenstein et al., 2015; Wang & Neihart, 2015). It is clear that twice-exceptional children need parental advocacy and support, but it is unclear what contributes to parents’ success in their advocacy and support. Furthermore, there is little, if any, support offered to this population to help cope with the burden these parents carry (Rubenstein et al., 2015). Parental Stress and Coping 10 Parents of twice-exceptional children face unique challenges that are often unrecognized or mislabeled by others. These parents’ ability to cope with the additional burden their children present has an influence on how they experience stress. As the aim of this thesis is to understand parents’ voices of self-compassion amidst the stress of raising a twice-exceptional child, it is important to consider current and historical theories and research for understanding parental stress and coping. Coping as a process. In Lazarus and Folkman’s (1987) transactional model of stress and coping, stress results from an imbalance between demands and resources. When people encounter a stressor, they engage in a transactional exchange between themselves and their environment in an attempt to cope (Folkman & Lazarus, 1980; Lazarus & Folkman, 1987). In the context of parents of twice-exceptional children, this means that parents of twice-exceptional child must find and employ effective and adaptive coping strategies sufficient to counter-balance the high levels of stress encountered. Folkman and Lazarus (1980) define coping as “cognitive and behavioural efforts made to master, tolerate, or reduce external and internal demands and conflicts among them” (p. 223). The model describes two types of coping strategies: problemfocused coping strategies and emotion-focused coping strategies (Lazarus, 1993). Problem-focused coping strategies are used most often when a stressor is viewed as changeable and involve tasks such as defining the problem, generating and evaluating solutions, learning new skills, and decreasing personal involvement (Lazarus, 1993; Lazarus & Folkman, 1987). After identifying 400 types of coping, Skinner, Edge, Altman, and Sherwood (2003) narrowed them down to five core categories of coping, one of which was problem-solving. This involves effortful actions such as planning and strategizing how to correct a situation. For parents of twice-exceptional children, advocating for services or changes within the school or 11 mental health system would be an example of a problem-solving coping strategy. Another example of problem-focused coping can be found in a 3-year study of the coping patterns of mothers of children with severe learning disabilities (N = 166), in which Quine and Pahl (1991) found that the greatest buffer for stress was income. Having disposable income allowed the mothers to purchase problem-focused coping strategies, in particular housecleaning, childcare, and education, to create more supports for themselves and their children. Although there are benefits to problem-focused coping, it may not be the best long-term approach for parents of twice-exceptional children seeing as their stressor is not changeable. In such cases, adaptive coping strategies are also emotion-based. In a longitudinal, ethnographic study that lasted almost a decade, Gray (2006) found that parents of children with autism (N = 28) shifted their coping strategies over time so parents relied less on service providers, family support, social withdrawal, and individualism, and coped more by relying on their religious faith and other emotion-focused coping strategies. Given the scale of caregiving demands for parents of twice-exceptional children, it seems likely these parents would need to develop and employ as many well-functioning coping strategies as possible to reduce their long-term strain and to enable them to meet their own and their children’s needs. The transactional model suggests emotion-focused coping strategies are used more commonly when people feel they have little control over a situation and involve strategies for regulating emotional distress, such as avoidance, distancing from the emotion, accepting the stressor, seeking emotional support, using selective attention, or using alcohol or drugs (Lazarus, 1993; Lazarus & Folkman, 1987). For some, the type of emotion-focused coping strategies selected may be detrimental, as in the case of using substances to emotionally regulate; however, many emotion-focused coping strategies can be helpful, such as those outlined in Skinner and 12 colleagues’ (2003) positive cognitive restructuring, as they involve changing one’s view of a stressful situation to see it in a more positive way (Stanton, Para, & Austenfeld, 2002). Research has shown that people facing chronic illness and disability are more likely to use such emotionfocused coping strategies to manage feelings of anxiety, fear, and dread, and to restore selfesteem and personal relationships (Folkman & Lazarus, 1980; Stanton, Kirk, Cameron, & Danoff-Burg, 2000). For example, in a study of women with inflammatory bowel disease (n = 155) or arthritis (n = 164), it was found that higher scores on the self-compassion scale were related to increased adaptive coping, decreased maladaptive coping, and less stress (Sirois, Molnar, and Hirsch, 2015). Seeing as raising twice-exceptional children is a long-term, unchangeable, interpersonal stressor, developing emotion-focused parental responses in times of distress or suffering could be an effective and helpful resource for parents. In Folkman and Lazarus’ (1980) model, coping is seen as a complex process in which both problem-solving and emotion-regulating abilities are utilized separately, concurrently, and interchangeably (Stanton et al., 2002). People demonstrate both reliability and variability in the forms of coping they use when under stress, and the model suggests that the type of coping employed is influenced by personal and contextual factors (Lazarus & Folkman, 1987). Overall, whether a way of coping is functional versus dysfunctional depends on the goodness of fit based on what is happening and what coping options are available (Lazarus & Folkman, 1987; Stanton et al., 2000, 2002). Generally speaking, it is advantageous for parents to have access to many effective of coping strategies to reduce strain in their family system when raising children. In a Swedish study of parents of children with autism (n = 66) and parents of children without autism (n = 66), Sivberg (2002) found lower levels of coping in families of children with autism compared to families of children without autism, which were associated with higher levels of 13 strain in the family system. The bulk of the research on coping for parents of twice-exceptional children has focused on equipping parents with problem-focused coping strategies, such as knowledge for advocating within the school system. However, research in this area has attended less well to emotion-regulating coping strategies that might provide a much-needed intrapersonal resource for these parents. Stress and personal growth. Perry’s (2004) model of stress for families of children with developmental disabilities highlighted that parents can experience positive personal growth despite encountering significant stress. Perry (2004) proposed that the personal resources of parents (e.g., personality, cognitive coping strategies, beliefs, and some demographic factors) are resources that can be used to ease their stress. Recently, it has been recognized that emotionfocused coping can take a more proactive, productive form (Neff, 2003b; Stanton et al., 2000, 2002). Perry (2004) suggested that the domain of personal resources, which would include selfcompassion, was the ripest for research as discovering internal resources for parents of children with disabilities was needed. Self-compassion, whereby negative judgements and emotions about self are transformed into a more positive feeling state, allows for an appraisal of one’s immediate situation and adopting actions that can change oneself and/or the environment in appropriate and effective ways (Neff, 2003b). Given the potential for such self-directed emotional regulation to ease parent burden and be carried forward in positive ways in regard to parenting practices, self-compassion as a coping resource amongst the population of twiceexceptional parents stands out as meriting further research attention. Self-Compassion Offering parents simple and effective internal resources, such as self-compassion, would give parents a way to care for themselves while raising twice-exceptional children. To better 14 understand self-compassion, it is helpful to look first at what is meant by compassion. Compassion involves kindness, sensitivity, and care for those who are suffering; it is turning towards others with understanding and acceptance when imperfections are exhibited (Gilbert, 2005b, 2015; Neff, 2011, 2012; Neff & Germer, 2017). Compassion and its development are a major theme of Buddhism (Dalai Lama, 2001; Rinpoche & Mullen, 2005; Wang, 2005), and is also a central virtue in most, if not all, major religions (Gillath, Shaver, & Mikulincer, 2005). Although compassion may be seen as being directed towards others as well as the self, selfcompassion is the term used to capture what happens when compassion is turned towards the self (Germer, 2009; Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011, 2012; Neff & Davidson, 2016; Neff & Germer, 2017). Just as one extends compassion to others when they experience suffering, one can allow the self to be touched by and open to one’s own experiences of suffering (Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). By offering self-compassion and non-judgmental understanding, it becomes possible to view personal problems and fallibility as part of being human (Germer, 2009; Neff & Germer, 2017). By drawing on Buddhist teachings, Neff (2003a) developed the SelfCompassion Scale, an overall measure of self-compassion with the components of self-kindness, self-judgement, mindfulness, over-identification, common humanity, and isolation. Together, these combine and interact to create a self-compassionate frame of mind (Neff & Germer, 2017). Self-kindness and self-judgment. Self-compassion involves practicing self-kindness through viewing the self with warmth, caring, and understanding (Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011, 2012; Neff & Dahm, 2015; Neff & Davidson, 2016; Neff & Faso, 2014; Neff & Germer, 2017). Self-kindness means that self-judgment is suspended and short-comings are acknowledged instead of condemned and criticized (Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). Western culture places an emphasis on being kind to friends and family who are struggling, but not to 15 oneself (Neff, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). Toward this end, self-kindness involves comforting oneself with love and tenderness in moments of suffering as one would a dear friend, small child, or special pet (Germer, 2009; Neff, 2011). Self-kindness allows one to soothe and calm one’s troubled mind and make “a peace offering of warmth, gentleness, and sympathy from ourselves to ourselves, so that true healing can occur” (Neff, 2011, p. 42). Common humanity and isolation. Self-compassion also acknowledges the common humanity of experiencing challenges and failures in life (Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011, 2012; Neff & Dahm, 2015; Neff & Davidson, 2016; Neff & Faso, 2014; Neff & Germer, 2017). Often in suffering, one feels isolated from others when it is assumed that others have it easier and that one’s own situation is unfair or abnormal (Germer, 2009; Neff, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). Compassion, by definition, is relational as it means to suffer with (Neff, 2011). The common humanity dimension of self-compassion helps one remember that everyone suffers and that all are imperfect; it is part of what makes one human (Germer, 2009; Neff, 2011), and it allows one to acknowledge doing one’s best with the hand that life dealt (Neff, 2011). Mindfulness and over-identification. Self-compassion also includes mindfulness, which is defined as a moment-to-moment awareness of the present with an open-hearted acceptance (Brown, Creswell, & Ryan, 2015; Dalai Lama, 2001; Germer & Siegel, 2012; KabatZinn, 2015, 2016; Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011, 2012; Neff & Davidson, 2016; Neff & Faso, 2014; Neff & Germer, 2017; Varela, Thompson, & Rosch, 1993). Mindfulness allows one to see clearly and to be accepting without judgment, avoidance, or repression (Germer, 2009; Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). One’s automatic response to pain is to turn away, but mindfulness allows one to remain present and to bring a wiser, more objective perspective to self and to life (Germer, 2009; Neff, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). By being aware of feelings, 16 one is able to take a moment to use self-compassion to refresh oneself internally, while not becoming over-identified with problems (Germer, 2009; Neff 2003a, 2003b, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017). Theoretical interrelations. The concept of self-compassion has existed in Buddhist and Eastern philosophical thought for centuries and is interrelated with other Western psychological theories such as the self-in-relation model (Jordan, 1991), humanistic psychology (Ellis, 1973; Maslow, 1968; Rogers, 1961; Snyder, 1994), and emotional regulation theory (Stanton et al., 2000, 2002). Jordan (1991) developed the concept of self-empathy as being a corrective relational experience with oneself in which previously rejected parts of self are “accepted and responded to in a caring, affectively present, and reconnected manner” (p. 287). She has proposed that it is a surrender to feelings and an active cognitive restructuring (Robb, 2006). This approach to self touches on the components of self-compassion. Jordan developed this model to explain women’s psychological development, but there has been very little work done to confirm, refine, or expand her views (Neff, 2003b). Humanistic psychology offers several views that are interrelated with self-compassion. Rogers (1961) proposed an unconditionally caring emotional stance toward oneself referred to as unconditional positive regard. Maslow (1968) echoed this idea when he noted that in order to grow, people needed to accept and acknowledge the necessity of their own pain and failings. He developed the concept of B-perception, a non-judgmental, forgiving, loving acceptance of Being (Maslow, 1968). Snyder (1994) viewed the therapist’s role as needing to help clients develop an internal empathizer which is “a primary attitude of curiosity and compassion to one’s own responses [to experience]” (p. 90). Finally, Ellis (1973) found that unconditional self-acceptance was essential to create an attitude of tolerance for uncertainties in life and acknowledging and 17 forgiving one’s own limitations. Self-compassion expands on these approaches by adding an emphasis on self-acceptance based on the shared experience of suffering across all humanity. Self-compassion can also theoretically be viewed as an emotional regulation strategy. Seeing as self-compassion is an emotional-focused coping strategy, it allows a person to approach his or her emotion in difficult times (Neff, 2003b). Responding with self-compassion allows one to make an effortful attempt to maintain awareness of, to explore, and to understand emotions, which is related to positive psychological adjustment (Neff, 2003b; Stanton et al., 2000, 2002). When viewed through this lens, self-compassion can be seen as a useful intrapersonal emotional-approach strategy that allows negative emotions to be transformed into a more positive feeling state (Neff, 2003b). Evolutionary view of self-compassion. Using an evolutionary view of self-compassion, Gilbert (2005a) proposed that self-compassion emerges from complex interactions between genetics, physiology, experience, and social contexts. He proposed that life experience shapes the brain through the three key systems developed to handle threat, motivation, and soothing in humans (Gilbert, 2009; Gilbert & Choden, 2014). The soothing system was thought to develop as a result of parent and child attachment bonding as parental compassion allows a child to internalize the state of compassion and in turn extend it to the self and to others (Gilbert, 2009). Gilbert’s theory has led to the development of compassion-focused therapy and compassionate mind training. Although Gilbert has made significant contributions to compassion research, Neff’s conceptualization of self-compassion will primarily be used for this study. Benefits of self-compassion. Self-compassion is increasingly recognized as a powerful factor in coping and resilience. For example, in a meta-analysis of 14 studies with 20 samples (N = 4,007), MacBeth and Gumley (2012) found a large negative correlation between self- 18 compassion and psychopathology (r = -.54). Self-compassion has been shown to be helpful for people facing challenges associated with aging (Allen & Leary, 2013; Allen, Goldwasser, & Leary, 2012), eating disorders (Adams & Leary, 2007; Breines, Toole, Tu, & Chen, 2014; Kelly & Carter, 2015), compassion fatigue (Barnard & Curry, 2012; Newsome, Waldo, & Gruszka, 2012), HIV (Brion, Leary, & Drabkin, 2014; Eller et al., 2014), menopause (Brown, Bryant, Brown, Bei, & Judd, 2014), depression (Diedrich, Grant, Hofmann, Hiller, & Berking, 2014; Raes, 2010), diabetes (Friis, Johnson, Cutfield, & Consedine, 2015), post-traumatic stress disorder (Lawrence & Lee, 2014; Zeller, Yuval, Nitzan-Assayag, & Bernstein, 2015), personal failure (Neely, Schallert, Mohammed, Roberts, & Chen, 2009; Neff, Hsieh, & Dejitterat, 2005), cancer (Pinto-Gouveia, Duarte, Matos, & Fráguas, 2014; Przezdziecki et al., 2013), divorce (Sbarra, Smith, & Mehl, 2012), and chronic pain (Wren et al., 2012). Stress, coping, and self-compassion. When one considers self-compassion in terms of theory and research on coping, it may illuminate the role that self-compassion plays in wellbeing and may offer additional directions for research. For example, in a meta-analysis using 79 studies (N = 16,416), the magnitude of the relationship between self-compassion and well-being was found to be r = .47 (Zessin et al., 2015). When viewed through the lens of stress and coping, these findings suggest that self-compassion may be conceptualized as a coping strategy that may contribute to promoting positive functioning. When Allen and Leary (2010) reviewed the literature on self-compassion, stress, and coping, they proposed that self-compassion relates most strongly to Skinner and colleagues’ (2003) coping category of positive cognitive restructuring. There are several ways this may happen. Self-compassionate people may think about stressful situations in ways that enhance coping by using mindfulness to not over-react to negative events (Leary et al., 2007; Neff & 19 Germer, 2013; Newsome et al., 2012; Sbarra et al., 2012; Terry & Leary, 2011; Terry, Leary, & Mehta, 2013; Wren et al., 2012). Self-compassionate people may also utilize problem-solving coping, as self-compassion is positively associated with traits such as optimism, curiosity, exploration, and personal initiative that may make people more likely to engage with their environments (Breines & Chen, 2012; Ferguson, Kowalski, Mack, & Sabiston, 2014; Magnus, Kowalski, & McHugh, 2010; Neff et al., 2005; Neff et al., 2007; Neff & Faso, 2014; Sirois, 2014; Smeets et al., 2014). The common humanity aspect of self-compassion may be related to the coping strategy of seeking support as self-compassionate people are more likely to view themselves as connected to others and therefore feel less isolated (Allen et al., 2012; Neff, 2003a; Neff et al., 2007; Shapira & Mongrain, 2010; Smeets et al., 2014). Allen and Leary (2010) stated that “although relatively unexplored, proactive coping holds promise for understanding psychological variables that lead people to take care of themselves before problems arise” (p. 8). Self-compassion involves a desire to do what is best for oneself and to minimize one’s present and future suffering (Neff, 2003a), which may lead to proactive coping (Allen & Leary, 2010). Self-compassionate people may appraise stressors as less negative and threatening, which may help them regulate their emotions enough to allow them to engage in effective behavioural changes (Adams & Leary, 2007; Allen et al., 2012; Breines & Chen, 2012; Breines et al., 2014; Diedrich et al., 2014; Finlay-Jones, Rees, & Kane, 2015; Leary et al., 2007; Neff et al., 2005; Sirois et al., 2015; Wren et al., 2012). The literature supports further exploration of self-compassion as a valuable and positive personal coping resource for coping with the stresses of life. Self-compassion and parenting children with special needs. In her book on selfcompassion, Neff (2011) proposed that when children have strong emotional responses, a 20 parents’ ability to use self-compassion allows them to quiet their own turbulent emotions, which puts them in a better emotional state to help their children regulate their own emotions too. Neff (2011) used self-compassion when parenting her son with autism through moments of distress as a way to care for herself and to teach him to accept and validate his emotions. Although there has not yet been research in the area of self-compassion and parenting twice-exceptional children, there have been studies examining the use of self-compassion for parents who have children with special needs. In a study looking at self-compassion in parents of young people and adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities (N = 56), parents who scored higher on the SelfCompassion Scale reported having lower levels of stress than those who scored lower (Robinson, Weiss, Pagavathsing, Lunsky, & Hastings, 2018). Two studies that offered 5- and 8-week mindfulness interventions respectively for parents of children with special needs found that the parents’ self-reported self-compassion increased, and that they reported significant reductions in anxiety and parental stress 2 months after the interventions (Bazzano et al., 2013; Benn et al., 2012). A negative correlation between self-compassion and psychological distress (r = -.64; Wong et al., 2016) was also found in a study with Chinese parents of children with autism spectrum disorders in Hong Kong (N = 180). They proposed that cultivating self-compassion may be an effective way for parents of children with autism to care for themselves. Neff and Faso (2014) also found that parents of children with autism (N = 51) who scored higher on the Self-Compassion Scale also reported increased life satisfaction, a more functional relationship with their child, and better outcomes compared to those who scored lower on the SelfCompassion Scale. They also found that self-compassion was a better predictor of parental wellbeing than the commonly used variable of the severity of their child’s autism. 21 Self-Compassion and parenting twice-exceptional children. Given the multilayered and multisystemic sources of stress that parents of twice-exceptional children experience and the central role that strong and well-resourced parents play in the success of their twice-exceptional children, researchers need to attend more conscientiously and carefully to the voices of parents who are doing the work of being self-compassionate. When one surveys the literature on selfcompassion, it is clear that self-compassion is an effective and powerful source of coping and resilience for many different populations. This present researcher sought to listen to the voices of self-compassion in self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children to foster awareness and to bring visibility to their experiences that may shape and inform ways to support twice-exceptional families in various settings. This led to two research questions: What are the voices of self-compassion in self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children? And, how do parents of twice-exceptional children describe the role of self-compassion in their lives? 22 Chapter 3: Methods This study was designed to better understand the voices of self-compassion in selfcompassionate parents of twice-exceptional children. The aim of this study was to attend purposefully to the subjective experiences of self-compassion amongst these parents as their voices may have been overlooked, unacknowledged, or rendered invisible in the past given the unique challenges they face. The following section describes the paradigm underpinning the research, the study design using the listening guide (Gilligan, 2015), the participants, the sources of data, and the data analysis, as well as how the study met paradigm and method-specific criteria for rigour. Research Paradigm The choice of a research paradigm informs the researcher’s philosophical approach to scientific discovery (Mertens, 2015; Patton, 1990; Ponterotto, 2005). This study was situated in the constructivist paradigm (Ponterotto, 2005) and used the listening guide (Gilligan, 2015) to listen for the voices of self-compassion in self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children. The listening guide is a qualitative, relational, voice-centered, and feminist method (Woodcock, 2016). Although the listening guide’s development was rooted in feminism, its use for exploring a wide range of theories has led to the feminist lens not always being an integral part of the research paradigm depending on the theoretical concepts being examined (Davis, 2015; Gilligan, 2015; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2013). Furthermore, in recent years, Carol Gilligan (2015), the developer of the listening guide, has not directly referred to it as a feminist method. This study is a departure from a full feminist approach, yet still retains aspects of feminist reflexivity and relationality in the study design. 23 Ontology. The ontological position of the constructivist paradigm is relativism, which assumes that multiple realities exist and they are socially constructed (Haverkamp & Young, 2007; Lincoln, Lynham, & Guba, 2011; Mertens, 2015; Ponterotto, 2005; Thorne, 2016). Feminism brings an ontological focus on the importance of social structures and forces in the daily experiences of people and on how these experiences structure their social understanding (Willsher, Campus, & Goel, 2017). Feminism views these constructed, lived experiences as being mediated by the reality of power structures within oppressive political, economic, historical, and social contexts (Gergen, 2010; Hesse-Biber, 2014). This view that discernable realities do exist is not fully congruent with the constructivist paradigm; however, as this study was not using participants who have been identified as historically being oppressed, this feminist ontological view was not embraced as foundational to this study but did allow for a highlighting of the ways in which the experiences of this population may have encountered oppression or marginalization. Epistemology. Constructivism holds the epistemological assumption that knowing is an active and inherently social process in which the researcher’s goal is to interact with each participant in a way that brings understanding and awareness to the participant’s views (Haverkamp & Young, 2007; Lincoln et al., 2011; Mertens, 2015; Ponterotto, 2005), which aligns with feminist theory (Gilligan, 1982). Consistent with constructivism’s epistemological position, this study sought constructed meaning and understanding from multiple perspectives (Haverkamp & Young, 2007; Ponterotto, 2005). Additionally, the constructivist epistemology is transactional and therefore knowledge is viewed as being co-constructed as it emerges through interactions within dynamic relationships. This means interactions between the researcher and the participants are central to capturing and describing their lived experience (Gilligan, 2015). 24 Gilligan (2015) wrote that the creation of trust with the participant was essential to the ability and the willingness to speak truthfully about his or her experience. The approach to listening that the listening guide required was that the researcher not attempt to “bin” or assimilate the participants’ experience into what she already believed (Gilligan, 2015). Finally, the constructivist paradigm considers knowledge to be subjective and grounded by specific socialhistorical-cultural contexts (Mertens, 2015). Feminist approaches also see knowledge and truth as being situated and subjective, but also inherently related to power (Hesse-Biber, 2014). As noted, the feminist emphasis on subjectivity and knowledge as a construction is consistent with the design of this study; however, epistemological assumptions related to the lens of power, biases, and politics were not fully adopted in order to address the research questions and population being studied, but were considered when experiences of power, biases, and politics emerged through the interviews. Axiology. Constructivism presumes that a researcher will attempt to understand the participant’s lived experience from the participant’s point of view, while still acknowledging that the researcher’s own values influence his or her research and make these values explicit (Chiari & Nuzzo, 1996; Haverkamp & Young, 2007; Mertens, 2015; Ponterotto, 2005; Thorne, 2016). This study did not attempt to divorce the researcher’s values from the research process, but rather allowed the social location of the researcher and coresearchers to become part of the meaning creation process. The principle researcher used perspectival subjectivity (Haverkamp, 2005) by thoughtfully elaborating as outlined below on meaning by adopting different perspectives and posing different questions to the text. It was important to acknowledge throughout this study that my voice reflected my social location as a Caucasian, early-40s, middle class, mother of twice-exceptional children with a 25 self-compassionate stance towards suffering, shaped the investigation. In line with constructivist epistemology, the participants were viewed as unique and the relationships between them and the researcher could be and were close. The researcher saw her relationships with the participants as collaborative, which aligned with both a constructivist and feminist approach to research (Chiari & Nuzzo, 1996; Gilligan, 1982; Guba & Lincoln, 2005; Haverkamp & Young, 2007; Lincoln et al., 2011; Mertens, 2015; Woodcock, 2016). Research Design As discussed in this section, the research design was created with consideration of the intellectual history of the listening guide and included a rationale for using the listening guide. The following section also presents the researcher-as-instrument statement and the participant information. Intellectual heritage. The listening guide was developed by Carol Gilligan (1982), a developmental psychology professor, when she discovered by listening to her participants, in a study on the development of morality, that women had a different approach to morality than men (Robb, 2006). In a series of studies that examined approaches to morality, she found that girls and women placed an emphasis on their responsibility and relationships with others, rather than reasoning processes like boys and men did (Gilligan, 1982; Robb, 2006). Subsequently, the listening guide method was developed by a group of people over approximately a decade to listen not only to the voices that are speaking but also to what is not being said when voices are silenced in order to maintain relationship (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan, Spencer, Weinberg, & Bertsch, 2006). The listening guide has been used for psychological and other research for over 30 years and is a powerful tool to access and understand understudied experiences (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan & Eddy, 2017; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008), such as those of self-compassionate 26 parents of twice-exceptional children. When the listening guide refers to listening for the voice of a participant, it goes beyond the topic of what the participant is talking about and considers the philosophical and psychological underpinnings of what the participant is saying (Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). This voice is connected to and illustrates the inner thoughts and feelings of a person that are communicated to an outside audience (Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). Rationale for using listening guide. The listening guide was chosen as the method to address the study’s research questions for several reasons, but a key consideration was its alignment with the constructivist paradigm. Additionally, some of the innovations that make the listening guide uniquely suited for this study compared to other qualitative methods will be addressed. Ontological rationale. First, an ontological assumption of the listening guide is that the self is inextricable from and co-constructed through relationship with others, as well as the broader cultural context (Davis, 2015). Considering the participants’ context and how it created an interplay between their inner and outer worlds was part of the listening guide’s listening process in this study (Gilbert, 2015; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). The listening guide’s feminist relational approach to research was designed to listen under parts of the narrative to capture complex dynamics that go along with understudied experiences, such as self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children (Gilligan, 1982). Epistemological rationale. In the constructivist epistemology, relationship is central to knowing, which aligns with the listening guide’s emphasis on relationship being an important aspect to accessing a participant’s reality (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan et al., 2006; Gilligan & Eddy, 2017). This relationship dynamic was not only epistemologically congruent with constructivist and feminist philosophy, but it also allowed for trust to be built, which was integral to the 27 process of the participants revealing their experiences, and for the researcher to open herself to the experiences of others (Gilligan, 2015; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). In light of these considerations, and the identified research problem and purpose for this study, the listening guide was an ideal fit. Axiological rationale. Haverkamp and Young (2007) noted that in constructivist inquiry the values of the researcher will influence the research process and that part of the process is that the researcher needs to examine and understand how her values, beliefs, and characteristics influence the co-construction of meaning. This axiological assumption is embedded in the listening guide method as the first step requires the researchers to examine their own responses to the participants’ narratives. By drawing the researcher’s attention explicitly to points of countertransference, the listening guide method seeks to help researchers tease apart, as far as possible, what is their own voice so as to guard against unwittingly superimposing their voices on top of the voices of the participants and ventriloquizing them during the analysis and writing process (Gilligan, 2015). Methodological rationale. The listening guide’s methodology is a clear departure from other qualitative research methods (Gilligan, 2015; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). It was developed to allow the researcher to become aware of what was happening in the participant’s psyche by listening to the “I” and different voices in his or her narrative. Being able to pick up on the tensions, harmonies, dissonances, nuances, modulations, and silences allowed for complexity to emerge from the data (Gilligan, 2015). This allowed an examination of the self in alignment with different voices of self-compassion with a strong consideration of the context of the participants. The ability to track the interplay and counterpoint of these voices within the 28 analysis of one participant and across multiple participants was important to addressing the research questions. Researcher-as-instrument. Researcher reflexivity was carefully considered in the design and implementation of this study. I am a member of the population being studied as I identify as a self-compassionate parent of twice-exceptional children; therefore, choosing a research method that integrated reflexivity allowed me, as a researcher, to explore, write about, and discuss my own responses to the narratives of the participants throughout the process. The listening guide’s explicit attention to researcher voice brought me into intimate contact with my own voice in relation to the participants’, and, with this awareness, I could more readily recognize and respond when my voice was playing over the voices of the participants. This reflexive process helped deepen the understanding of the transcripts by allowing me and other researchers to discuss our different responses to the participants’ stories as we created meaning from the transcripts. Finally, reflexivity also happened in the follow up interviews as I had an opportunity to check with each participant as to whether she felt the results were accurate and reflective of our conversation and to discuss how the process was for both of us. Again, this reflexivity allowed a richness to develop throughout the analysis process. I expected that self-compassion would be a beneficial personal practice for the selfcompassionate parents of twice-exceptional whom I interviewed. Although I anticipated that each participant’s story would be unique, I was also curious about what commonalities might emerge in their use of self-compassion. I was also alert to the ways in which my research might align or depart from Neff’s (2003a) conceptualization of self-compassion, such as including mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity; however, in order to avoid confirmation bias, I did not use these as specific voices to listen for and used coresearchers who were less 29 familiar with Neff’s research in the process of identifying and listening for voices. My coresearchers reflected on their own biases and positions throughout the research process and wrote about them explicitly in their response to the narrative during step 1 of the analysis process. Coresearchers worked as a team during analysis with myself guiding the process but treating the coresearchers as equals throughout the analysis. Consensus among the coresearchers is not required by the listening guide. When differences came up, researchers discussed their views and in most cases dialogue permitted agreement to emerge. During step 3, the researchers persisted until consensus was reached in terms of the voices heard in the participants’ stories. On occasion there were times in which one researcher felt that voice was present in a sentence or a few words and the other did not. In these cases, each researcher marked the voices in their transcripts differently and added written notes to highlight what their rationale was. Both notes were referenced when compiling the summary and results. Participants. Participants were parents (N = 7) of a twice-exceptional child and also self-identified as being self-compassionate (see inclusion criteria, Appendix A: Screening Interview). The twice-exceptional children of the participants could be any age and enrolled in public or private school, homeschooled, receiving alternative education, or not in school. This study relied on parental reports that their children were gifted/talented and had at least one area of disability as well. Additionally, participants had to speak English fluently and be able to meet in the Fraser Valley or on Zoom for two interviews several months apart. Sample size. In constructivist research, there are no formulas or set standards for projecting sample size (Mertens, 2015; Thorne, 2016). In this study, a sample of seven participants was determined to be a reasonable number of interviews based on the inherently 30 emic and idiographic nature of this project, as well as the constructivist criteria of using multiple cases for transferability, the limited population of self-compassionate parents of twiceexceptional parents, and the time and resource constraints of a master’s level thesis. Sampling strategies and recruitment. Purposeful sampling, which aligns with the constructivist paradigm, was used to recruit participants who met the inclusion criteria, who were able to provide thoughtful reflections, and who would contribute richness and depth to this study (Mertens, 2015; Patton, 1990). Potential participants were recruited via a public post the researcher made on Facebook that was seen by her contacts and that was shared by others (Appendix B: Recruitment Visual Promotion). Eight potential participants contacted the researcher through email or Facebook to indicate their interest in participating. During a phone screening, potential participants were invited to complete the SelfCompassion Scale – Short Form (Neff, 2003a; Appendix C) on the phone with the researcher to help make visible those individuals who notions of self-compassion were very different from those which this study sought to understand. The Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form is a 12item measure of how a person responds with self-compassion in difficult times. Each statement (e.g., “I try to see my failings as part of the human condition.”) in the assessment is answered on a 5-point Likert scale. The participants were told before beginning the scale that in completing it they may get a sense for whether their personal, lived experience of self-compassion aligned with the study as we read through the questions. In one case, after reading through the items with the researcher, one prospective participant concluded she did not subjectively identify as being self-compassionate, and it was mutually decided between the potential participant and the researcher that she was not a good fit for the study at this time. 31 Demographics. All of the participants were female and ranged in age from 36 to 50 (M = 43). All participants were European-Canadian, except for one who identified as EuropeanCanadian and Aboriginal and another who was French-Canadian. Four participants had completed bachelor’s degrees, one had completed some graduate work, and two held graduate degrees. Participants’ occupations were marketing company owner, teachers (n = 2) photographers (n = 2), dance teacher, mentor coordinator, student, and artist. The children ranged in age from 7 to 15 years (M = 11). The children had diagnoses that included giftedness, learning disabilities, sensory process disorder, anxiety, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, autism spectrum disorder, complex behavioural disorder, hyper/hypotonia, mosaic trisomy 8, type 1 diabetes, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, developmental coordination disorder, neurodevelopmental disorder, separation anxiety disorder, low ferritin, cystic fibrosis, cystic fibrosis-related diabetes, immune compromised, and dyslexia. (Appendix D: Participant Demographics) Researcher roles and relationships. The researcher knew all of the participants from her previous careers as a photographer and an early childhood educator. The researcher did not have a close relationship with any of the participants and had not interacted with most of them for several years. The nature of the relationships and how that impacted the researcher were discussed in step 1 of the analysis. A sample step 1 from one participant’s analysis is included in Appendix E: Sample Step 1. Sources of data. Instrumentation and procedures were developed and followed throughout this study. This section will include information on the design and implementation of interviews, as well as what data was generated and how it was handled. 32 Interview philosophy. The primary researcher facilitated the interviews using interviewing skills acquired in her training as a counselling psychology student, and throughout the research process she remained alert to the different objectives and purposes of counselling and research interviews. For example, the primary researcher was able to draw upon her skills to recognize participants’ conflict and intensity markers, which allowed her to be sensitive to when the narrative needed queries or responses to deepen or lessen the intensity of the interview. The interview was guided by open-ended prompts, an approach that is congruent with the constructivist paradigm this study was situated in. Finally, the principle researcher also drew upon her familiarity with the topic, as well as her personal understandings derived from a lived experience as a self-compassionate parent of twice-exceptional children, to put the participants at ease and to build a sense of trust. Interview prompts and protocol. The first round of interviews all began with reading and signing the informed consent and confidentiality form, which had been emailed to the participants before the interview (Appendix F: Consent Form). Next, participants completed a demographic form (Appendix G: Demographic Information Form), and time was taken to build rapport and to address any questions participants had about the process. The interview began by inviting the participants to reflect on their own definition of self-compassion and on their experiences of being a self-compassionate parent of a twice-exceptional child. The interview was guided by open-ended prompts prepared in advance, such as “How would you define selfcompassion?” and “How has your journey as a parent of a child who is twice-exceptional influenced your experience of self-compassion?” (Appendix H: First Interview Prompts; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). The aim the researcher had when generating these prompts was to facilitate participants’ reflections and inner exploration around self-compassion and raising a twice- 33 exceptional child. After the completion of the first interview, the participants were invited to share any questions they had and to reflect briefly on how the process of talking about selfcompassion and parenting a twice-exceptional child was for them. Interview data. All interviews were audio and video recorded and then transcribed by the researcher verbatim including notes of pause length, verbal artifacts (e.g., sighs, laughing), and contextually essential nonverbal gestures to allow the researcher to be immersed in the data (Davis, 2015). Seven interviews were conducted and ranged in length from 63 minutes to 116 minutes (M = 78 minutes; Appendix I: Interview Information Chart). After data from the first interview were analyzed, a follow-up interview was arranged with each participant. Prior to the follow-up interview, each participant was emailed a copy of the final summary of the interpretative analysis of the interview. At the follow-up interview, each participant was asked for her response to the summary (i.e., what stood out, changes, clarifications, surprises). Each participant was also offered the opportunity to share any discoveries she had through the process and what the process had led her to reflect on. Seven follow-up interviews were completed ranging in length from 16 to 80 minutes (M = 47 minutes). The follow-up interviews also used prepared open-ended questions to prompt participants’ reflections (Appendix J: Follow-Up Interview Prompts), and were audio and video recorded. The researcher transcribed key portions of the conversation. Obtaining and storing data. The primary researcher was responsible for all digital and hard copy data storage and disposal. To protect participant confidentiality, each participant chose or was given a pseudonym so that all data collected, analyzed, and presented in any form, such as completed demographic forms, Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form, transcripts, summaries, and stories, were identified only using the participants’ pseudonyms. Any elements 34 of participants’ stories that were unique enough that their identity could be determined by others were edited by the researcher during the transcription process to preserve anonymity. All data was stored on an encrypted hard drive and was stored and viewed in a private location to ensure participant confidentiality. All coresearchers who worked with the data in any form were required to sign the data analyst confidentiality agreement (Appendix K: Data Analyst Confidentiality Agreement). Research team. The data analysis team was comprised of seven master’s level counselling psychology students and one counselling psychology professor who were willing to engage in the relational process of uncovering plots and narratives, reflecting on their own responses, listening for voices, and collaboratively exploring what was essential about each participant’s experience being a self-compassionate parent of a twice-exceptional child. These coresearchers had graduate level experience and training in qualitative research methods and listening guide analysis. Over the duration of the study, seven coresearchers worked with the principle researcher (time spent ranged from 4.5 to 8 hours) to read, dialogue, write, and conduct analysis on each of the transcripts. The analysis was led by the principle researcher but involved equally valued contributions from the coresearchers. During this process, notes were created by each researcher that were referenced when the primary researcher wrote the listening guide step 4 summaries for each participant. Data Analysis The steps of the listening guide were followed during the process of data analysis. Data was created and managed in a way to allow for thorough immersion and depth throughout the interpretation process. 35 Listening guide steps. The interview transcripts were analyzed using the four distinct, yet interconnected steps of the listening guide (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan & Eddy, 2017; Gilligan et al., 2006; Woodcock, 2016). The first three steps entailed reading through the transcript at least once with a specific listening focus to uncover the layers of the participant’s experience (Woodcock, 2016). The four questions about voice and relationship that set the parameters for inquiry were: Who is speaking and to whom? In what body or physical space? What stories are they telling about relationship? In what societal and cultural frameworks? (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan & Eddy, 2017). Analysis of each participant’s transcript was conducted by the researcher and one or more coresearchers. The following are the four steps of the listening guide. Step 1: Listening for the plot and listeners’ responses. The purpose of the first step was to become familiar with the participants’ stories while giving the listeners an opportunity to reflect on their responses to it. At the end of this process, each listener (i.e., primary researcher and coresearcher) wrote a summary of the plot and of their personal response to it (Gilligan, 2015; Appendix E: Sample Step 1). This first step allowed the researchers to become familiar with the participants’ stories by listening for who was there, who or what was missing, repeated words, salient threads, striking metaphors or symbols, places with emotional intensity, and gaps or ruptures in the narrative and relationships (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan et al., 2006; Woodcock, 2016). Each researcher also had an opportunity to become aware of, reflect on, and discuss his or her own feelings and thoughts as he or she listened to the transcript (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan et al., 2006; Woodcock, 2016). This was to make subjectivities explicit in order to be aware of countertransference and so listeners could learn from their feelings of tension, disorientation, and connection with the participants (Gilligan, 2015; Woodcock, 2016). 36 Step 2: Listening for the ‘I’. The second step in the analysis directed the researchers’ attention to how the participants spoke about themselves. After transcribing each interview, the primary researcher prepared an I-Poem of the entire transcript with everything deleted except when a participant used “I” to speak about herself, along with the verb and any additional important words (Gilligan, 2015). Together, the coresearchers read through this entire document and discussed unique aspects and shifts of the participant’s voice (Gillian, 2015; Gilligan et al., 2006; Woodcock, 2016). Notes were made on the document itself to help identify key passages that could later be used to create “I-Poems” that captured important aspects of the participant’s voice. These I-Poems were included in the document created in step 4 (Appendix L: Sample IPoem). Occasionally, the researcher identified and created poems using other pronouns to highlight other voices that were woven throughout the participant’s narrative (Petrovic, Lordly, Brigham, & Delaney, 2015; Woodcock, 2016). Step 3: Listening for contrapuntal voices. This step used musical counterpoint analysis terminology to describe listening for the interaction and interplay of different voices within the participant’s narrative that expressed harmony and dissonance (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan et al., 2006; Woodcock, 2016). This step involved listening for how what the participant shared might relate to the research questions (Gilligan, 2015; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). By listening for layers of voices with their interplay, harmony, dissonance, tension, and resonance, the listening guide helped highlight what was being said at different times, and also what was being silenced or was being unspoken (Gilligan, 2015; Gilligan & Eddy, 2017; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2015). It was critical that the research questions were used as touchstones in this step to listen for and to identify voices that informed the inquiry (Gilligan & Eddy, 2017; Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). After the coresearchers had read through the transcript in the previous steps, they 37 discussed what potential voices they heard in the participant’s story. They then reached a consensus as to the name and description of each voice they wanted to listen for during this step. Once a list describing a voice was made (Appendix M: Sample Voice Descriptions), a felt pen colour was chosen, and the coresearchers read through the transcript together and underlined the words of the participant when that voice was heard. During this process, the presence and/or absence of each voice in different parts of the transcript was discussed and notes were made directly on the transcript. Each transcript was read through at least three times during this step as each voice was listened for on its own, and 3–4 voices were listened for with each participant. It was also noted and discussed how the different voices of self-compassion overlapped, intertwined, and diverged in the participant’s story. The listening for contrapuntal voices was done with a blank slate for each participant in order to capture the nuances and subtleties of each voice for each participant. The descriptions for each voice were written to give language and voice to their story in a way that clearly honoured their experiences and that resonated with their self-compassionate practices in a way that was fully congruent with their personal experience described in their interview. These individual voices were then combined into groups, or chords, of voices that sounded similar and that were used for similar purposes. Step 4: Composing an analysis. This step involved creating a written document that summarized what was learned about the participant in relation to the research questions (Gilligan et al., 2006). At this stage, the different voices of self-compassion for each participant were considered together to create a holistic understanding in relation to the research questions (Sorsoli & Tolman, 2008). This was done for each participant by the researcher, and the analysis 38 served as the summary of the interpretive analysis that was shared with each participant in her follow-up interview. After all of the summaries for the participants were completed, the researcher further examined them, as well as the data that had been generated throughout the interpretive analysis process, and identified themes that were consistent across the interviews. The second research question (i.e., How do parents of twice-exceptional children describe the role of self-compassion in their lives?) was used as a touchstone for this process. What the groups of voices were saying and how the parents used them were tracked during this part of the analysis and commonalities across multiple interviews were noted. From these commonalities several themes were identified. Data management procedures. The transcripts were created by the researcher from verbatim transcriptions of the interviews, which then became the primary data source used and referenced to throughout this study. Each transcript line was numbered so it could be referenced throughout the results and discussion chapters, allowing the data to be tracked directly to its source. Step 3 of the analysis, listening for voices, was done directly on the transcript using coloured felt pens for underlining voices, as well as making notes in the margins about what the coresearchers were thinking and discussing throughout the analysis process. When step 4 was reached, the response written in step 1, the I-Poem from step 2, and the voices from step 3 were all considered together in order to address the research questions. This allowed for the context as discussed in the plot summary and response, the shift in voices and key passages that were highlighted in the I-Poem, and the counterpoint of the voices to be included. Once the follow-up interview was completed, the researcher transcribed key portions of that conversation as well and 39 integrated them into the results section of this document so that the participants’ response to their summaries became a part of the data generated. Trustworthiness, Rigour, and Quality Situating this study in the constructivist paradigm meant that there was an emphasis on constructing meaning from both the researcher’s and the participants’ experiences, rather than arriving at an objective, reproducible truth (Mertens, 2015). As such, the following standards for goodness in the proposed research were developed with keeping the paradigm’s assumptions in mind (Mertens, 2015; Thorne, 2016). Credibility. Credibility in a constructivist paradigm is defined as a correspondence between the way participants perceive social constructs and the way a researcher portrays their viewpoints (Mertens, 2015). This is operationalized by actions and processes such as prolonged and substantial engagement, persistent observation, peer debriefing, progressive subjectivity, member checks, and triangulation (Mertens, 2015). This study adhered to the idea of credibility by the principle researcher being deeply and personally involved throughout the design, data collection, transcription, and data analysis process. The transcription and creation of the I-Poems involved the researcher listening to and writing down the entire interview, and then reading through and editing it again to create the I-Poem. During the analysis process, the transcript was read in its entirety a minimum of four times. When the researcher wrote the step 4 summary, she reread all of the data generated in the first three steps and referenced them directly in the composition. The step 4 summary was then discussed with the participants and then read and edited again to incorporate their comments. The researcher was amply immersed in the data to become familiar enough with the transcripts and stories to be able to move immediately to various locations in the data to compare and contrast different voices and parts. 40 The process of analysis and interpretation was made visible through clear and detailed documentation throughout the entire process. Each initial interview was for an extended amount of time and seven participants were interviewed in order to create both depth and diversity in the data. Analysis was done with a team of coresearchers and provided opportunities for coconstruction of meaning through an interactive process with the data that involved multiple viewpoints, as well as for peer debriefing and discussion. The multistep process of the listening guide analysis ensured the researcher attended to multiple layers of meaning and allowed for examining feelings, experiences, and interpretations of both the participants in their interviews and also the coresearchers from different angles. After the analysis was completed, a summary of it was shared with the participants in a follow-up interview in order to engage in further reflection and deepening of the process. Transferability. Transferability, defined as providing the reader with enough information to make a judgment about the applicability of the research to other settings, is another criterion of goodness in constructivist research (Mertens, 2015). It is most commonly achieved through thick description and through the use of multiple cases (Mertens, 2015). In this study, the context of the participants was carefully and extensively described as the listening guide addresses this as a key aspect of the analysis process by considering the societal and cultural frameworks the participant was speaking from (Gilligan, 2015). Confirmability. In addition, confirmability, as defined as confirming that the data and interpretation are not figments of the researcher’s imagination, was demonstrated by reporting data in a way that it could be tracked back to its source (Mertens, 2015). The summaries, which were written in step 4 and which used the participants’ own words as part of the reporting process, and the line(s) from the transcripts were noted following quotes and I-Poems, which 41 allows readers to interact with the original source of data. The steps of the listening guide were clearly delineated and reported in this study, which means that the logic used to interpret data was made explicit. Also, doing analysis in a group who reported and who discussed their own responses and subjectivities to the interview transcripts helped demonstrate confirmability. Finally, conducting follow-up interviews during which the participants were asked directly if their summaries were reflective and accurate helped demonstrate confirmability. Analysis notes. Notes were generated during each step of the analysis process. In step 1, a plot summary and response were written by each coresearcher (Appendix E: Sample Step 1). In step 2, notes were written directly on the I-Poem, highlighting shifts in the participant’s voice and noting key portions that stood out. In step 3, the transcript was underlined with a different coloured pen for each voice, and notes were made in the margins about things that were noted or discussed by the coresearchers. All of this data was compiled and kept in a separate folder for each participant, along with any other notes made during the analysis process, such as descriptions of the voices and overall impressions of what was emerging from the data. These notes were referred to extensively when the step 4 summaries, results, and discussion were written. The researcher also kept a journal documenting her thoughts and questions throughout the process. The summary, results, and discussion include line numbers for the transcript that were referenced so that readers could track the data back to its source. Depth of interpretation. Using coresearchers and having significant immersion in the data led to a depth of interpretation. Coresearchers were involved in the first three steps of the analysis process. This meant there was an increased richness to the insights and analysis that occurred as differing viewpoints and knowledge were included throughout the analysis process. This added a depth to the interpretation and enriched the response to the story of each 42 participant. Having multiple researchers involved who were more familiar with the research method than the literature about self-compassion also helped combat confirmatory bias as they listened to the transcript with a fresh perspective, rather than listening for voices that may be more directly linked to theories about self-compassion. Conducting multiple readings of each transcript with more than one researcher also helped to avoid an overly simplistic interpretation of the data as nuances that were sometimes missed in initial readings were noticed, discussed, and documented in later readings. 43 Chapter 4: Results The aim of this study was to listen explicitly to the voices of self-compassion contained in the narratives of self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children. It is hoped that this research will foster awareness and bring visibility to their experience, and also that their voices might help shape and inform ways to support and care for twice-exceptional families. The overarching research questions were: What are the voices of self-compassion in selfcompassionate parents of twice-exceptional children? And, how do parents of twice-exceptional children describe the role of self-compassion in their life? Presentation of Findings The findings of this study are presented in a way to allow the reader sufficient access to the data to consider the conclusions drawn by the researcher, and also to engage in a process of drawing his or her own conclusions. This chapter has two main sections: the findings from the participants’ individual stories, and cross-participant findings. Each of the seven participants’ stories begins with a brief overview of the pertinent background information, covering general contextual details. Following this is a summary of the interpretive analysis that emerged through the listening guide steps, which presents the stories participants shared that contain their vulnerabilities, hopes, struggles, and many voices of self-compassion and some of their comments in the follow-up interview. Following all of the summaries, assertions about the voices are presented in greater depth. Instead of each voice being a single note for a single participant, the voices can be grouped into chords that are heard across the different conversations. Finally, the chapter concludes with a summary of the key findings from the researcher’s perspective for this sample of participants. Kyrah: “He’s Getting There on His Own Time” 44 Kyrah is in her early 40s and has a European-Canadian ethnic background. She has been married for 3 years and has two biological children (ages 9 and 11) and two step-children (ages 13 and 15). She owns a communications company in addition to overseeing an active household, raising her children, and prioritizing her relationship with her husband, Steven. Kyrah and Steven, a professional who owns a consulting business, recently built a beautiful home situated on the edge of a forest in an executive area outside of Vancouver, BC. All of their children were gone for the weekend, so we meet in her modernly decorated, basement office where she settles onto her couch. We are kept company by her two dogs who mostly rest quietly while we talk, but occasionally feel they had something to contribute to our conversation. Kyrah is actively involved in her children’s lives, and focuses on her biological son Sequoia (age 9) during our interview, who is in the process of having potential learning disability and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder diagnoses teased apart though an assessment with a psychologist. She describes him as energetic, extremely social, and being interested in drawing and graphic novels. Their family recently adopted a playful dog who loves to run, and the family’s recent move to a property closer to nature was in part so Sequoia has somewhere to burn off his abundant energy with his canine companion who can keep up with him. At this time, it seems physical expenditure of energy is essential for Sequoia to do well in other areas of his life. Sequoia attends his local public school that accommodates his needs as well as they can at this time and that even prepared a sensory room for him to take scheduled breaks in when he cannot run outside. As we begin to talk about self-compassion, Kyrah’s Expectations voice is heard responding to the pressure of our interview. It is a voice that easily leads to comparisons and guilt; it is a voice steeped in a culture where women must look like they can effortlessly do 45 everything exceptionally well. She explains, “I was thinking about this and I was reading your definition about self-compassion and honestly, it feels very selfish to even talk about it” (139– 140). She initially hesitates to talk about self-compassion, possibly because being self-critical is more socially sanctioned than being self-compassionate. Her Expectations voice recedes as she shares some realizations that she has come to with the end of her first marriage and with her experiences now in a very different relationship. At first, Kyrah’s Independence voice is heard as she recounts that her first marriage was just a friendship, not an intimate relationship. As it speaks, this voice conveys a sense of disempowerment and disconnection when she experiences separateness from others. Her SelfWorth voice takes over the refrain as she reveals, “That’s not what I wanted” (153). It is a voice that is aware of her worth and value as a human being, and says things like, “I need” and “I want,” and shows self-understanding and self-kindness. Kyrah compares her marriages by pointing out that now, “I’m with somebody who is a relationship, a true relationship” (160–161), allowing her Self-Worth and Connection voices to harmonize. Kyrah’s Connection voice emerges when she is in relationship with others and when there is a sense of reliance. She now has a partner who supports her emotionally and approaches her when he feels disconnected from her or when he notices she is not making herself a priority. Kyrah conveys that this is an on-going and difficult process. She recollects how recently Steven had confronted her about differences in their parenting styles: Kyrah, you don’t see this, but if I’m talking to you, and Madison or Sequoia walks up to you and starts talking to you, you immediately turn and look at them and you address their need. I need you to put me first sometimes. You need to let me finish my thought, finish the conversation. I need them to wait. (191–194) 46 Steven’s Connection voice is heard here as he reaches out to Kyrah and asks her to respond to him in a way that maintains connections, rather than disconnects from him by prioritizing the children. Kyrah’s Independence voice fights back and forcefully insists to him that he is crazy and “I don’t do that!” (194), before catching herself doing it four or five times the next day. During this standoff, they sequester themselves from each other by going to their own spaces in their home. Kyrah elaborates that Steven’s way of responding to her children is very different than what she experienced growing up: If I needed something, it was like, “Mom?” She would drop everything and say, “Yeah? What do you need, dear?” “I need you to drive me around so I can get this project finished for school.” And she’d be like, “Can we leave in 10 minutes?” (202–205) A trio of Expectations, Connection, and Independence voices are heard as Kyrah’s mother is connected to her daughter, but not to herself, and is living with the expectation that mothers must serve their children. Kyrah is discovering that being worthy of boundaries that create space and time for herself and her spouse is key to a fulfilling marriage and that it seems to be related to self-compassion. This new approach to her relationship spills over with positive benefits her children as well. Her Self-Worth voice is heard as she explains that clearer boundaries between herself, her children, and her family life have helped her be self-compassionate: This is good for the kids to see working parents, satisfied parents. And I’m not feeling the guilt of “I’m not with you every second.” And actually seeing it as, “If I’m not with you every second, that’s actually probably good for you. And it’s definitely good for me!” (179–182) 47 When she talks about not being with her children every second, her Connection voice forms a harmony with her Self-Worth voice. Together, they vocalize that recognizing and meeting her own needs allows her to not only maintain but actually deepen her relationship with those closest to her. From her parental perspective, there is a mutual empowerment that happens between her and her children as her children encourage her to spend time alone with Steven and to pursue career opportunities. However, despite having her children’s support, she worries about how others see her and her career choices. Her Expectations voice underlies her alternating Connection and Independence voices as it articulates the expectations in her community. Most of the other moms Kyrah knows have flexible casual careers, like teaching yoga classes in their homes. They are more easily able to be involved in school activities and to take their children to and from school. Kyrah sometimes relies on them to pick up her kids when she is running late or working. “I’m fairly close with some of the parents around here and I don’t want to be over-demanding of them” (235–236). She notices the guilt of not always being available and the fear that others will judge her for not living up to the community’s expectations before her Self-Worth voice carries her to the conclusion that “if someone’s going to judge me about that, then maybe they don’t need to be in this group of people. Part of it is being able to let go of people like that” (239– 240). For Kyrah, her Self-Worth voice allows her to set boundaries in relationships that lead to her creating a support system for herself through her Connection to others who add value to her life, and her Independence voice allows her to let go of those who do not. Kyrah acknowledges that all of this is great in theory, but it is hard to balance the demands and duties of her life with her self-compassionate aspirations. Her Expectations voice resurfaces and develops as she switches to discussing her responsibilities with Sequoia’s 48 therapies and the decisions she has to make about his education. With the intricacies of her life juggling a blended family, her relationship with Steven, her career, and the extra demands that come with a twice-exceptional child, she says, “I never run away and do a three-day girls’ trip. I never do that stuff. It’s always like, ‘I’m going on a work trip. I’m going to do something productive for my family’” (269–271). Here Kyrah’s Expectations and Independence voices synthesize and express some of the loss that underlies the complexity of her life. She becomes tearful as she touches on some of the things she cannot do; her Expectations, from herself and others, are piled so high that she cannot easily go away to rejuvenate with her own friends to get a much-needed break from her regular life. Kyrah steps back from this recognition of her limitations and points out that even though she is not where she wants to be with self-compassion, she has come a long way over the past few years. This I-Poem voices the weightiness of the Expectations she carried during her time as a single mom: I never would have I never would have I would have I have to I have to I have to We have to We have to go do I was constantly We have to Do something 49 Do something Do something And then it would stop I was barren Lost Totally lost (377–382) The result of operating under the weight of these Expectations was that she was barren and lost from herself as her Self-Worth voice had not yet been fully discovered. She relates that she was not in a place to appreciate her alone time as a single mom because she was entirely focused on her children. In contrast, she tells of how she and Steven celebrate now when all of their children are gone and plan something special together, or they do their own things separately. These respite times from parenting allow Kyrah to nurture herself through her connection either with another adult who empowers and empathizes with her, or she empowers herself to pursue her own interests. Her Connection and Independence voices blend in harmony as she affirms that her new boundaries with her children have created more health and independence for all of them. As Kyrah moves towards defining her view of self-compassion, her Self-Worth voice is heard again explaining that self-compassion can be an internal, emotional response to oneself when things are difficult. She says self-compassion is “not feeling guilty, or feeling confident in your decisions, or feeling the ability to evolve, or not worrying about what someone else says” (416–417). She expands this definition to also include self-care behaviours and activities: “I try to do things to keep myself grounded. I go hiking and out in nature more” (314–315). Her SelfWorth voice elaborates that she also has a personal trainer, gets massages, and sometimes has a 50 bath after the kids have gone to bed. Her Connection voice joins in as she explains how she sometimes includes Sequoia in these activities. During times together, she communicates to Sequoia that his value and personhood are not determined by his score on a school test, “What I’m trying to teach him is like, I actually don’t care what your test score is” (431–432). This is the voice of a mom who is attentive to her son’s needs and accepts that he does not fit into the education system. She recounts that this acceptance has been a change from when her children were babies; as a younger mom she was very concerned about her children’s developmental milestones and would feel obligated to do activities and games to maximize their growth. Her Expectations voice is heard expressing her pressure, comparison, and guilt: I remember getting frustrated. Like, “I can’t get him to put the circle in the hole!” Like, “What the hell?!” (laugh) I remember calling up people and going, “I think I have the dumbest baby on the planet! Like, he can’t put the circle in the hole.” I’m panicking. (537–539) Her voice dramatically switches to her Self-Worth voice as she says, “I have let go of that completely” (528). This I-Poem captures how letting go of those Expectations allows her to enjoy and be present with Sequoia: I just like him I find I have a relationship I just like him I snuggle him We have little talks I’ve let go of 51 We need to hit these milestones I need to drive you I don’t feel that (428–431) Kyrah shares an example of how she responded to herself and Sequoia this past week more compassionately than she would have in the past. Her Expectations and Independence voices are heard modulating to her Connection and Self-Worth voices: Sequoia got one out of twenty on a math test. Five years ago, four years ago, three years ago even, I probably would have said, “Oh my god! You’re going to fail grade four!” And got mad and frustrated and let that out. And-, um-, now I go, “Okay. You got one. How do you feel about that?” And he will give me a hug and he actually burst into tears. He felt terrible. And um-, I said, “Okay. I’m going to talk to your teacher. We’re going to figure this out because you still need to be able to learn this. So um-, I’m not going to yell at you.” And he gave me a big hug, he was like, “Thank you! I was scared to tell you. I felt terrible!” You know? So, I don’t want to ruin his confidence or his sense of being able to learn this stuff because he’s recognizing that “my friends are different than me” and he’s hiding his tests from his friends. So I think that’s going to be hard to navigate, to be honest, as he gets older. But yeah-, but I feel better not yelling about it. (564–574) Even though she has worries and fears about how Sequoia will do in the future, her acceptance of him and his limitations brings a level of calm and peace to her parenting that was not present before. Despite these self-compassionate changes, her Expectations voice reemerges as she discusses the possibility of sending Sequoia to a private school for children with learning 52 disabilities. Kyrah is wondering if she should spend money on the high tuition and drive him so he can participate in their intensive cognitive remediation program. This voice continues as she talks about her friend who has a 3-year-old, twice-exceptional child in “absolutely everything – speech therapy, brain therapy, visual therapy” (470–471). Having a friend who also has a twiceexceptional child means Kyrah is less alone because someone else “gets it,” but there are Expectations and comparisons that also accompany this friendship. Her Connection voice reemerges after the Expectations voice plays itself out, as her relationship with another parent of a twice-exceptional child helps her recognize, “You’re not on your own, like-, I’m not the only person in the world” (481). Again, supportive people help Kyrah be self-compassionate. This connection to others who help her foster self-compassion is contrasted to growing up in a judgmental family “where if someone was not doing something the way you were doing it, it was wrong” (501–502). Her Expectations and Independence voices are heard as she shares that her mom tends to still be like that, but then her embracing and appreciating families who parent differently than her create a counterpoint: I don’t feel judgmental about any of them. I like participating in all those different styles. But then, I think that helps me be more compassionate honestly – Like, who cares if they put their kids to bed at 11 or 8? I really don’t care (chuckle) and I don’t think they’re wrong, or better, or worse. Like I-, I think it’s interesting to see so many diverse types of families and family structures too. (513–519) Here her Connection voice conveys acceptance and passionately provides a counterpoint to the Expectations voice she heard in her family of origin. With Kyrah, there is no sense of obligation that people are expected to be, or to parent, a certain way. This echoes her acceptance and compassionate response to Sequoia’s educational challenges. She has chosen not to respond to 53 him and to others with the rigid Expectations she faced growing up. Kyrah has found that physically living farther away from her family and interacting with them less have given her space she needed to release herself from the family Expectations. In the first interview, her Connection, Independence, and Self-Worth voices are heard as she navigates becoming separate from her family of origin in order to become connected to herself and others. Now she can say to Sequoia, “You don’t have to do it the way they do it. We’re going to do it whatever way works for you” (543–544). Her Connection and Self-Worth voices empower her to do what is best for her and Sequoia, rather than what her parents, the education system, or society expects. The Connection she maintains with him allows her to empower him to be himself, and her SelfWorth empowers her to be a mother who can advocate for her son’s needs and teach him to do the same. [Sequoia’s] happiest moment at the end of the day is to lay in bed and for me to jump in with him, and scratch his back. We have a little chat and he’ll hold my hands on his face and he’ll be like, “Mom, I don’t know what I would do without you.” (677–679) Kyrah sees Sequoia as much more than his diagnoses and labels that present extra needs; she sees a boy who has plenty to give. Kyrah refers back to times earlier in their journey when people, in particular her mom, focused on his delays and expected Kyrah to do something about them. Kyrah pushes back against this voice of Expectations by saying, “That’s my call, it’s not her call. And um-, yeah-, taking responsibility for that stuff and letting the judgmental people not affect you is hard” (722–724). Kyrah has learned to stay focused on what is best for her and Sequoia. Even though her mom was right about spotting developmental problems early on when Kyrah chose not to pursue diagnoses, Kyrah demonstrates that she is different than her mom, cannot be her mom, and does not want to be her mom. Through this acceptance of their 54 differences, Kyrah is able to respond to herself with compassion. Again, she comes back to the delicate balance between Independence and Connection with others that allows her to maintain boundaries so her Self-Worth voice can speak and empower her to do what is best: My relationship with my mom is much more distant now. I think it’s healthier. You know, it’s healthier and I feel better about it. Being close isn’t the most important thing. (Laugh) Well, being as close as you can and being healthy. It’s different for everybody. (726–728) Returning to how this helps her parent Sequoia, her Self-Worth voice wisely reminds her, “I think that what I’ve been able to let go of is, I’ve seen it enough, he will get there. He’s getting there on his own time” (724–725). She expounds: If I manage him-, manage his development to a timeline, I will make myself crazy and I will probably also make him crazy and feel awful. So, letting go of the timeline I think has been-, if like-, if I was going to give advice to anyone going to deal with children or a child with extra learning needs or different learning needs, that’s probably the number one thing. Like, intervene, give help where it’s needed when you see signs, but don’t panic or go to a dark place and think that you have to get there now. You can get there tomorrow. You can get there next week. The most important thing is that they feel good, you feel good. So get there, but feel good on the journey. (728–735) Her voice is that of a woman who has learned to accept life as it comes and to be kind, not only to her child, but also to herself; to respond with grace and patience instead of fear and obligations. She savours the beauty in connecting with Sequoia in the ordinary moments of life not just focusing on his disabilities. 55 Kyrah summarizes our interview by breaking down self-compassion into three streams: attitudes towards yourself, self-care activities, and relationships with others. Despite this succinct summary and her knowledge of how self-compassion looks in her life, her Expectations voice ends the interview by describing the things that she should be doing better: more body care, workouts, personal care, healthier meals, and earning enough money to cover all of these things. It is a reminder of how strong the Expectations and obligations are that she must constantly push against in order to be present for herself and to live self-compassionately. After she read her story, Kyrah said in our follow-up interview that it was accurate and reflective of the content in our first interview. She described, “It’s like having a selfie camera and you touch the button and you’re like, ‘WHOA!’” (54 –55). She also described the voices as being well-identified and ones that she relates to. Six months after our primary interview, she tells me that while reading her story, it stood out to her how guilty she felt and how she no longer feels that way about self-compassion. She has enlarged her definition of self-compassion and defined it as a mindset that brings “confidence and understanding about why you do what you do or feel what you feel” (106–107). She uses the word harmony to describe self-compassion and had an image of the lives of others being like little lights surrounding her that are more in “harmony.” She said, “It’s something about that awareness that actually helps you with that caring and with that harmony” (124–125). Kyrah shares in her follow-up interview that she has spent the months between her interviews being more aware of self-compassion and reflecting on our conversation. She affirms that having boundaries with her family has been essential for Sequoia’s mental health in the months since we originally met and describes reading the summary of our initial interview like looking at a time capsule because if we did the same interview again, it would be very different. 56 She says that just having the conversation propelled her further on her journey as a selfcompassionate mother of a twice-exceptional child and that what we talked about is essentially women’s empowerment—something that she feels is very relevant and practical. After hearing a little about what was emerging through this study, she shares that she is taking away that she is not alone and that the work that she is doing is worthwhile because the outcome is transformative. Amber: I Have to Be More Amber is a European-Canadian and Aboriginal mother of 13-year-old Katy. She is about 50 years old, and as she gets cozy on her couch, she has the casual, yet put together, flair of someone who is comfortable shifting between the roles of artist and professional. She lives and works in the Fraser Valley as an art teacher after a successful career as an artist. As she talks about the beauty and challenges she has faced, she has the earnest and forthcoming feel of someone who has had to earn her place in life. Amber and her husband, Brian, adopted Katy a Jamaican-Caucasian-Aboriginal girl when she was 7 months old. The long list of labels and diagnoses that have been given to Katy over the years extends well beyond the lines on the research study’s demographic form, yet they do not capture all that Amber sees when she looks at her daughter. Amber describes a depth and a richness to the way that Katy can think and bring big ideas together that is missed in her alphabet soup of diagnoses that includes sensory processing disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, autism spectrum symptoms, complex behavioural disorder, learning disabilities, hyper/hypotonia, and Mosaic Trisomy 8. She is part of a program in her school district where she does schooling at home most days of the week and then two mornings per week gathers with other students to do things like art, dance, and fieldtrips. 57 Amber began the interview by stating self-compassion is “being patient if I’m not perfect” (9). This is her Knowing voice; her voice that states facts and understandings. It is the voice of a woman who has lived enough life to arrive fully and confidently at her own realizations. It is a voice that firmly acknowledges both her capabilities and her weaknesses. When reading the interview transcript, Amber’s Knowing voice is strong, declarative, and clearly rooted in reality. At the beginning of our conversation this voice is almost immediately overpowered by another voice that has been a dominant force in Amber’s life since childhood. We will call this her Obligation voice. This is a voice powered by decades of perfectionism and people-pleasing as she explains, “I tend to be very hard on myself. Very perfectionistic” (14–15). The Obligation voice says things like, “I need to,” “I have to,” and “I should.” Amber states early on that “I should do more self-care” (20). The Obligation voice has been honed in a patriarchal society that provides a checklist of what women should and should not do. In Amber’s story, it is the voice of a houseguest who has overstayed her welcome, as Amber identifies it as part of her past that still slips unbidden into her present and that she is going to “just keep working on it” (24). Amber shares the story of how she first encountered self-care and self-compassion through her friend who practiced an almost militant way of taking care of herself after her husband suddenly passed away. Amber was inspired by her close friend’s transformation into someone who was able to create boundaries to protect herself and her children explaining, “she was kind of like a mentor-model for me of how to really take care of yourself” (39–40). The Obligation voice performs a subtle refrain in this story that returns and is developed further with 58 the Knowing voice as she tells how Katy’s pediatrician encouraged her to have realistic expectations of her parenting. She explains: A lot of people think, “You have to be this,” or “You have to be this,” but if you’re thinking this is the standard (holds hand by chest) and I’m aiming up here (arm fully extended above head), I really, if I can aim here (hand by chin), this is good. This is like an average or good and if I can get to here (hand by top of head) that’s even better. Then really that should be my standard, not up here (arm fully extended). Not perfection. (57– 62) As she shares how this helped release her from her fear of not being able to be the mother Katy needed, her Obligation voice modulates into a darker key. When Amber connects her fears of parenting Katy to how she was raised by her dysfunctional parents, Amber’s Not-Knowing voice is also heard. Amber’s Not-Knowing voice is one that lacks knowledge and sometimes does not realize capabilities or limitations: “I was terrified coming into parenting of-, I have no skills from my parents. I’m going to have to do it all book learning. All of it” (67–68). Amber’s voices of Knowing and Not-Knowing are heard together as she knows she was afraid, and she did not know how to parent. The voice of Not-Knowing quickly fades as Amber goes on to explain how for years she has spent time every day purposefully connecting with Katy for 20 minutes. The voices of Knowing and Obligation interweave as Amber shares connecting time with Katy is different now that she is an adolescent who often prefers to be with her friends. Understanding she did not receive the love and attention she needed from her own parents, and being aware she wants to parent differently, Amber describes having charted her own course for parenting Katy, and that 59 has not meant becoming a perfect parent. She explains, “Self-compassion [is] just trying to remind myself that I can’t be perfect every day” (110–111). When talking about earlier periods in her life, the Obligation voice sounds like perfectionism, in which Amber hustled to achieve unattainable standards she set for herself: I was very, very perfectionistic as a child. Very hard on myself. Very much a peoplepleaser (125–126). . . . I was really, really hard. Like nothing I did was good enough. I can still see a bit of that in myself. I try to squash that (chuckles) stuff down, you know, with mental reframing and affirmations and you know-, trying to rethink-, like looking at this from another perspective. (128–131) Her Obligation voice becomes attenuated as she aims to daily make the commitment to give up her unrealistic perfectionistic expectations. The Not-Knowing voice is heard questioning what embracing her vulnerabilities and imperfections would look like. How much does she have to say yes? How much does she need to do in a day? Due to a series of traumas at work several years ago that drained her energy and shook her to her core, Amber was able to do very little in a day. Amber has purposefully laid down her perfectionistic standards and is slowly backing away from them. She does not know what this will look like, but something new is emerging. This is when the Being voice is heard. This is a voice of personhood that sounds like a deep, resonant honesty, and is heard as longings, desires, and wishes. It captures her core self, her soul, and expresses her inner experience of self and self in the world. Her Being voice proclaims, “I’m not super-human!” (147). After wrestling with her parenting fears and facing off with her limitations, her core self emerges and claims its humanness. Amber is aware of her developmental changes in regard to perfectionism, 60 but uses more tentative language as she outlines shifts over the decades about how her experiences with self-compassion have changed: I think I used to only have compassion for other people. And I think in my 30s that changed to having compassion for myself. I did not have it for myself when I was young. My parents didn’t have it for me, I think. And so, they didn’t model that and they didn’t have it for themselves. My dad was very Type-A too and yeah-, so I think-, yeah-, everything’s shifted in my 30s. (172–176) Reflecting on shifts in her experience of self-compassion creates a polyphony with the Knowing and Not-Knowing voices being heard simultaneously. Amber knows what the shifts are and when they happened, but the how and why behind them happening is elusive. She offers, “It’s shifted a lot, but, but because of different things” (183–184). In talking about how parenting Katy has affected her journey with self-compassion, Amber identifies that adjusting her career-driven pace to match the large amount of time Katy needs to process things has allowed her to live more compassionately. She has had to learn on her own how to be more compassionate and present in her life. She has used cognitive reasoning and book learning to question herself and to arrive at a new way of living: What am I assuming for myself? Am I assuming I have to be this perfectionistic person? That I have to be perfect? Do I really? Probably not. Probably-, I could have a lot more control if I were more in the moment and a lot more care and a lot more patient if I slowed myself down because I was like, go-go-go-go-go all the time. (244–248) We hear her Not-Knowing voice questioning what would “probably” happen if she was less perfectionistic and driven, and instead she was more in-the-moment, caring, and patient. The Obligation voice also is heard bringing up conditions to things she should do. If only she was 61 more in the moment; if she slowed herself down, then she would be able to engage her newly developed being present focus. She expands this by offering the example of getting ready in the morning. Amber’s Knowing voice is heard describing how she needs to track practically with tasks and also emotionally with Katy step-by-step through their morning. She explains, “I tell her why and what we’re doing” (264). This helps Amber and Katy to somewhat match their pace. Amber goes on to give examples of how she fosters self-compassion by using apps on her phone. Her Being voice is heard interjecting and accenting that, “I was just almost out of my mind!” (284) from a stressful situation at work, to which her response was, “Ahhhh. I’ve got to stop this!” (286) She uses her phone to give her reminders for things such as to take a deep breath, go for a walk, get some sunshine, go to sleep, drink water, and eat less sugar. Her Obligation voice is heard speaking of not only the helpfulness of using her phone for these selfcare tasks, but also confessing guilt about using her phone when she says, “I mean-, I try not to use my phone so much, but yeah-, it’s super useful” (293). As she describes activities that help her be more self-compassionate, her voice shifts from her Obligation voice when she describes a list of things she should do, to her Being voice with its tone of what her core self needs and how she allows her inner self to be in the world. Her need to be in nature and to create art emanates and the shift in voice modulates the key of the interview as she talks about her art book: That is really cool! That’s evolved. Um-, so at first I was super, super perfectionist rose in me. Um, I couldn’t-, I got the sketch book and I was so excited and at first it started out as a kind of-, kind of memo of the month. So I did this beautiful little scrapbook, but then I was like so busy I was getting down on myself, “I can’t do it!” So then I kind of evolved (326–329). . . . I think I have ADD, I call it Creative ADD. I can’t do that kind 62 of routine every day. It drove me nuts. So then I went back to my big art sketchbook, which is my favourite size and now I just, every night I work on one thing. Maybe it’s a song list, or maybe it’s a grateful-, my gratitude for the day. Or maybe it’s um-, um-, Zen doodles. Or I just choose in the moment. I just do something and it works out so much better. (333–337) Amber is no longer working off a checklist of things that she should do to take care of herself, but she needs to create because she is a creator and it is a part of who she is. “If I don’t do that, I’m not taking care of-, it feels like my soul . . . It’s a piece I can’t-, it’s not a piece I can live without” (361–363). There is a realness and a deepening that is felt, and Amber’s Knowing and Being voices are heard as she expresses the frustration and struggle of not having the space or time to nourish this part of herself. If I don’t have I get very depressed I’m having a really hard time I’ve got no studio space I can’t do photography I can’t do big paintings I can’t do the big stuff I don’t have enough I’m giving I’m not getting to do it I’m not taking care of I can’t 63 I’m giving so much I need the creativity (350–368) The added demands, expectations, and giving that accompany parenting Katy mean that Amber needs this creativity even more. Her Being and Knowing voices are heard together when she says, “Because creativity is almost like meditating or praying in a way for me, it’s just so restorative. If I don’t have it, I’m just not as good. I’m just not as good of a mom” (371–372). She intrinsically knows she needs to create in order to restore the part of herself that is continually giving and giving. The reality of the challenges that she faces with carving out the time and space to create are heard as the voices of Knowing, Being, and Obligation perform a counterpoint. Her Knowing voice is heard explaining that with the demands of her job, she does not have enough time or energy left for herself, yet the Obligation voice insists she must do her marking, and lesson planning, and parenting, and self-care, while the Being voice interjects with insistence that she cannot keep doing all of this. There is an interplay and a tension between the voices that concludes with “I wanted this job so I was willing to do it for a year or two, but I’m not willing to do it anymore because it hasn’t helped Katy” (395–396). She wants and needs more creativity in her life in order to thrive. She’s in survival mode “just trying to hold it together,” (413) and that’s when it is really hard to be self-compassionate. For now, she sets aside 10 minutes per night to spend doing something in her art book. Amber’s voice of Knowing shares how stress from work, health issues, and finances over the last few years have made it more difficult to be self-compassionate. Currently, newly found financial stability means there is less friction between her and her husband, as well as that she and Katy are able to do more things like therapies, classes, fun outings, and self-care activities. 64 Freedom from overwhelming financial stress allows Amber to focus more on caring for herself on an emotional level, rather than just worrying about meeting her family’s basic needs. In talking about self-compassion and parenting a twice-exceptional child, Amber’s Obligation and Being voices are heard together sharing, “If I’m patient for her, why would I not be patient with myself?” (437 –438). The care and patience Amber shows Katy has led her to question how she treats herself, leading to a more self-compassionate stance. There is an obligation to treat her daughter with patience, but then that becomes an obligation she can extend to herself as well. Katy has been an active part of this process too, as Amber explains: She’s actually called me on stuff (440). . . . And she’s said a couple times like, ‘Mom, you do this, you do this, why don’t you do this for yourself?” And I’m like, “Yeah. Ah, yeah. Why don’t I? (laugh) You know, that’s a good question! You’re right!” (444– 446) Katy has learned from hearing and watching Amber talk about self-care and is able to point out when Amber is working too hard and not looking after herself. When talking about resistance to self-compassion, the voices of Not-Knowing and Knowing improvise a counterpoint as Amber starts connecting new thoughts about the expectations that women serve men and the inequality that creates. Her voice of Not-Knowing brings in a hesitancy and admits that she had not thought of this relationship between selfcompassion and patriarchy before. The voice of Knowing identifies a friend who is a feminist who has pointed out these patterns and Amber relates examples she has experienced at work. I think feminism is in a way-, part of why I’m so strong about the self-care because I realize that it’s actually a need. Whereas, my previous upbringing was women serve men. Women serve children. Women serve society. Women serve. They don’t take 65 care of themselves. That’s not acceptable or necessary. (laugh) Like, “What are you doing? That’s crazy!” (552–556) It emerges that Amber has to push not only against limitations with time and energy in her life, but against larger societal expectations that women are meant to care for others and not themselves: I have to fight against myself to keep those patterns of my meditation, and my journaling, or my art. And there is kind of an internal resistance to doing that because, I don’t know if it’s a self-care thing, or a habit thing, or whatever, or just that kind of feeling like, “I’m too tired to do this alone and I don’t want to. Why would I bother right now?” You know? So I guess a little bit everywhere. (491–495) She has to fight internalizing a resistance to self-compassion that has been gifted to her from a society that devalues the emotional load that mothers carry and the expectations that comes with that. She finds that thinking long-term, and not having to justify herself at work or home when she makes decisions to care for herself, help her continue to practice self-compassion. In the final section of the interview, Amber’s Knowing voice speaks of how selfcompassion has impacted her life. “It’s made it a lot better. It’s made it calmer. It’s made it healthier. It’s made me more self-aware. More self-reflective even with things like eating habits” (509–510). She finds that being self-aware makes her a better parent. The voices of Knowing and Obligation form a duo as she explains that parents who do not have exceptional children really do not get the extra burden that she carries. I can’t fly by the seat of my pants I have to know I’m doing 66 I have to be prepared I have to be I have to be I have to be more I have to be more (519–523) These voices perform a duet between understanding what it is that Katy needs, and the increased demands that places on Amber. This is why Amber relies on self-compassion in her life. Amber’s Knowing voice explains “I don’t think I could do it otherwise (538). . . . We’ve had lots of challenges but I think the reason that we’re still functioning is because of self-care” (539–540). Amber’s Not-Knowing voice punctuates this statement by introducing a sense of hesitancy with “I don’t think” and “I think.” Even though it is hard and seems impossible to meet all the expectations at times, Amber is still moving forward while caring for not only Katy, but herself as well. It is with her Being voice that she communicates that she wishes the rest of the world was able to extend her and Katy compassion as well. “I wish that they could see how beautiful and wonderful and gifted she is in so many ways, but all they see is certain behaviours” (544–545). Amber expresses, through her Being voice, a yearning for connection: a yearning for connection with herself, with Katy, and with the rest of the world to truly see them. In her follow-up interview, this yearning is heard also in her memories of a time when she would meet with a community of women for breakfast every second week. She shares that it was her lifeline in a time when her life was stressful and crazy, and that those friendships helped her be accountable to take care of herself and enjoy life. 67 In her follow-up interview, Amber shares that this summary is accurate and reflective of our first conversation and that she loves it. She elaborates that the concept of listening for voices stood out to her and says: The way you gave me a voice – I’m not used to having a voice and labelling in this way kind of gives the that ah-ha moment of where stuff comes from my family-, where I’ve learned stuff, and what’s come from just having Katy. (10–12) She expands that the process of participating in this study has led her to reflect more on patriarchy and how it influences relationships. She says, “I’m starting to speak up more . . . my voice is there. It just feels uncomfortable, but I can see it’s moving” (61–62). Amber describes the I-Poem about needing space to pursue her artistic work and needing creativity in her life because she is giving so much as powerful, and she shares that she is relieved and excited about upcoming changes in her life that will allow her to have an art room again. Reflecting back on this process, Amber relates that it has helped her to realize that even though it is not as much as she would like, she is taking care of herself in small ways. Reading her summary helped highlight to her what she is doing, rather than what she is not doing. She describes this experience as being refreshing and powerful. Robin: “I Have a Better Understanding” Robin is a 50-year-old, European-Canadian, mother of four children ranging from late elementary to high school. Robin has a formal diagnosis of autism, and she lives in the Fraser Valley of BC where her husband is a busy, respected professional. Robin takes care of the household and parenting responsibilities mostly on her own, and she takes university courses and pursues other education to keep herself intellectually stimulated. We meet in my home for our 68 interview, and I experience Robin to be engaged, thoughtful, and focused with her willingness to share what she has been learning about self-compassion. All of Robin’s children have medical and/or developmental diagnoses that affirm the demands and complexities she faces with managing their schooling and day-to-day life. Her oldest, David (15 years old) has formal diagnoses of giftedness, autism, severe anxiety, developmental coordination disorder, and type 1 diabetes. Although Robin’s interview focused primarily on him, her other children and their unique exceptionalities are woven into the interview as well. David is currently in a homeschooling program as being a part of the public school system was not working with his medical and other challenges. He enjoys playing video games, researching online subjects of interest to him, and interacting with animals and occasionally his siblings. Robin describes him as kind, sensitive, and extremely anxious. As we start talking about self-compassion, Robin states that it is “trying not to be as critical of choices in the past” (12), and that she uses self-compassion to understand and accept what she has done, rather than getting caught up in criticizing herself. Robin’s Informed voice is heard explaining that coming to learn about how neurobiological differences and personal history shape actions and choices has helped her respond compassionately to herself when she feels regrets about past situations. Robin’s Informed voice allows her to use knowledge and logic to work through the challenges she faces; it is a voice that keeps things in order, can be technical, and facilitates awareness. It is a voice that at times allows her to realize that experiencing problems and mistakes are part of her human inheritance and that instead of being critical, she can hold her flawed humanity with compassion. Typically, her Informed voice supports her Being voice—a voice that emerges when she has agency and is engaged with herself, her life, and/or others. It is a voice that says things like, 69 “I do” and “I am.” These two voices create the compositional framework for her interview that is, at intervals, punctuated by her Dismissing voice—a voice that now and again adds a counterpoint that attenuates or dismisses what Robin is saying. It introduces a layer of questioning or insecurity that contrasts her Informed and Being voices. When this entire transcript was made into an I-Poem, a rhythmic hum of “I think” was heard underscoring much of the interview. Variations on this ostinato occur when Robin brings in tensions: I think I would get upset I would yell I think I think I walk away I’ll go sit in the car I think I think (30–40) At this point, Robin uses her Informed voice as she shares how receiving her own autism diagnosis has helped her become aware that her meltdowns with her children were due to being overwhelmed, rather than due to anger. When she feels her internal tension building, she now allows herself to leave the situation and accepts that it has to do with her sensory system responding to the environment, and not her mothering ability. There are moments in which this realization allows her Being voice to emerge as she is empowered to accept her automatic 70 response and is able to reshape her environment in a way that acknowledges and supports her limitations, without attaching a negative personal judgment to it. Robin’s Informed voice has developed in a way that allows her to respond to her own and her family’s atypical needs with compassion, instead of judgment and criticism. For example, her Informed voice sounded out when Robin recalled discovering low interoception (knowing the internal state of one’s body) and high pain tolerance has featured in parenting challenges, such as David’s toilet training delays and her daughter’s and husband’s ear drums bursting. Robin describes how she shares her new perspective on toilet training with others in her online autism parenting groups who are in similar situations: Now I have a better understanding I think of even toilet training . . . That’s why David took forever! He . . . didn’t even think about it, right? Like, it wasn’t an awareness thing. And I see that on some of the groups now and I comment sometimes, “Maybe it’s not something you can train right now . . . Maybe you need to train more of a mindfulness-, almost a body scan type thing, rather than just trying to get him to go to the bathroom before he goes to bed.” (40–46) Robin’s Informed voice helps her adjust her perspective of toilet training David and reinterpret what happened and what her role was in a more accepting way. This has been essential for her to be self-compassionate as the mother of a neurodiverse family. Her understanding, that their environment, biology, neurology, and past experience all play roles in these situations, has helped Robin recognize that their unusual reactions are based on sensory differences and not poor choices she has made as their mother. As she completes these thoughts, her Being voice admits, “I’m still working on it,” before her Dismissing voice interrupts her self-compassionate flow with a laugh. 71 Robin did not receive her autism diagnosis until she was an adult after her son was diagnosed and she was considering an autism assessment for her daughter. This key puzzle piece was missing most of her life as her differences were always attributed to her giftedness, yet her family was fairly good about accommodating her needs: I didn’t want to do a lot of the things they wanted to do. I wanted to stay home, I didn’t-, certainly didn’t want to go, you know, on a cross-country vacation and share a room or a bed with my sister . . . We had a motorhome so if we did travel, I had my own bed-, own bunk in the motorhome and that was the way we went. (598–602) She recounts reading an article about Aspergers when she was in grade 8 or 9 and her Being voice chimes in with, “Well that sounds like me!” (211), accompanied by her Dismissing voice as she chuckles and explains she discounted the similarities as she was not having significant difficulty in life, even though she often felt separate from others. Robin expands on how reading Paul Gilbert’s (2014) book, Mindful Compassion, was a key point in her journey. Her Informed voice takes over the melody as she explains how the environment one grows up in and one’s nature have a strong influence on what happens in one’s life. She applies this to her own experience of growing up as a twice-exceptional child who was gifted, autistic, and socially anxious, and she realizes that many of her challenges were simply due to factors that were beyond her control. The things she was unable to do, such as going to her graduation dance, were not because she did not want to; they were due to genetic and environmental forces that were far stronger than her free will. Again, her Informed voice helps her reframe her past in a way that allows her to accept, rather than to criticize, herself. Furthermore, this combination of remembering her own struggles as a child and her grown-up 72 understanding of autism allow her to parent compassionately in a way that is sensitive to and accommodates each of her children’s unique needs: It’s interesting now having a better idea of why . . . I knew before some of those things . . . I didn’t want my kids to-, ah-, be forced to do some of those things, like giving up a room for-, for company that came. Things like that where it is kind of expected and it’s usually not a big deal, but it was a big deal for me. And-, and David does not give up a room . . . It’s a better understanding for them as well of why some of these things are difficult. (610–616) Robin’s Informed voice returns as she discusses similarities between how the body becomes wired by trauma and how the body is wired due to autism. She proposes that the intense, hyperactive startle reflex that David has had from birth is similar to the hypervigilance and startle reflex that is part of post-traumatic stress disorder. She shares how the neonatal nurses at the hospital recognized immediately that he responded differently than other babies; yet she did not realize how much of a difference this was until she had her daughters: Right from birth! Yeah. And Angela, I could see that from the first couple weeks there was difference. Like Melissa was so easy. You know, it was just like, diametrically opposed. She was so easy. He was-, like in the nursery (laughs), Mr. High Maintenance. I’m like, “You’re calling my baby, my newborn baby, Mr. High Maintenance?!” Well, he was! (257–261) Also, she points out that her family’s hypersensitivity to noise may be similar to how the brain of a person who has experienced trauma becomes wired. Her Informed voice continues to carry the melody as she highlights similarities between trauma-induced dissociation and an autistic shutdown. She explains that when she has a meltdown, it is an automatic response, rather than 73 thoughts or emotions that she can control; her sensory system takes over. In these moments, she is not able to consciously respond to herself compassionately; however, later when she is no longer feeling overwhelmed but is feeling bad about what happened, her Being voice is able to be reengaged. She shares how this is the time when she can use her Informed voice to process the situation, accept her reaction, and respond compassionately to herself. She communicates that being exposed to some things, like the housework and children vomiting, has possibly helped her get used to some things that are distressing; however, she has noticed there are other things, like noises and sensory stimuli, that her reaction to does not change, even with repeated exposure. This recognition and compassionate acceptance of things does not necessarily change one’s sensory response; however, it helps her be aware of how difficult needles are for David, even though he has been exposed to many due to having Type 1 diabetes: The needles are still distressing, whereas with a non-autistic person, I think they do become, ah-, less distressing. But for him, it’s almost like [being] retraumatized every time and it’s-, it has improved in terms of his acceptance of it, but I’m not sure the sensory has improved. . . . It’s there, it’s always-, even a fingerprick . . . he’ll do it, but you see him flinch. (651–657) We move away from talking about her daily parenting challenges, and Robin’s Being voice is heard loudly and clearly as she describes how she spends one day per week in Vancouver by herself and is looking forward to taking a trip to visit relatives in the prairies on her own. Her Dismissing voice interjects for a moment, perhaps indicating that she experiences some discomfort with the admission that time away from her kids is a significant part of what helps her foster self-compassion. This I-Poem captures her Being voice describing her weekly Vancouver day: 74 I go to I spend all day I love it I love it I enjoy I do things I like I’m there I get back I know I’m going back (350–353) Robin shares how she does activities like seeing her counsellor, meeting up with women in her autism group, going to Mensa events, and catching a concert at Green College at UBC. Her desire to learn is integrated into her activities as she also loves going to conferences, not only for intellectual stimulation, but also to gain a better understanding of herself and her children. She says: I love conferences. I really like those. I find that the information is good. I find that having the information repeated over and over again, even if it’s the same information, um-, hopefully presented in a different way so it’s not boring, is helpful. (353–356) She shares that she also enjoys taking courses at a university and describes how she likes the environment. “It’s nice, it’s quiet, it’s structured, it’s interesting to me” (387). She says with her Informed voice that her learning has helped her take better care of and regulate both herself and 75 her children. Robin places value on caring for herself by making sure her own need to be intellectually stimulated and to be learning is met by engaging in different learning opportunities. She expands that being part of groups of people who have different neurologies, such as her Mensa and autism groups, helps her be more accepting of shortcomings when others do or say things that are inappropriate. She learns to extend compassion to others in those situations, which helps her be more accepting and self-compassionate about her own socially awkward moments. Similarly, seeing her children’s struggles give her more compassion for herself when she was a child and for people in general. “You look at the challenges they [her children] have and I think it makes you more, um-, tolerant of people’s short comings” (493–494). Her Informed voice points out that perhaps other people she sees at the pool, in the newspaper, or on Facebook have developmental disabilities that explain their behaviours. She references a meme that says, “‘Now that I’ve read more psychology, I find that I can’t get mad at anybody because I understand their reasons for doing everything.’ (laugh) And you think, ‘Well, I’m not quite there’” (476–478). Her Informed, Dismissing, and Being voices are heard sequentially explaining how this empathetic approach to others gives her a different, “more tolerant view of people” (486–487). She expresses with her Informed voice that getting to know neurodiverse adults and hearing their stories helps her reflect on what she might do now to make things easier for her children as they grow up: Also, I think you have a better sense of how other people-, ah-, with other neurologies grow up, right? And what they might look like as adults and things that maybe-, maybe you have some ideas from those other events of situations of-, of um-, as you mentioned “changing trajectories,” right, in terms of different things that you might do to make 76 things easier for your children in the long term as well, rather than have them more challenged as adults. To try to help them be less challenged as adults and-, and I know with David that’s certainly a concern. Like, I don’t know that he’ll even have sort of a formal education or be able to have any sort of job. I don’t know. Intellectually he would be able to, but in terms of um, demand avoidance-, or if he wants to do something that actually makes money, I don’t know that he will. (445–454) Part of her journey has been doing her own therapy, which has allowed her to understand what works and does not work for her. She proposes: I think self-compassion is actually useful for everything . . . Parenting it certainly comes into play, but in general life it comes into play. And I would love to see people given a book on self-compassion when they get an autism diagnosis. (629–631) She shares that clinically viewing autism with a trauma-informed approach and incorporating self-compassion and dialectical behaviour therapy could be more effective than the typical applied behavioural analysis of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approaches. “I find the CBT, unless you have some . . . narrow, erroneous . . . cognitive thought, I don’t find it that helpful” (639–640). She says, “There’s a lot of shame [with] . . . not fitting in or saying things that aren’t appropriate where the self-compassion” (672–673) approach would be helpful. She also proposes the recognizing that there are commonalities between autism and neurotypical people by recognizing feelings of shame, awkwardness, or feeling different from others are “common or universal is helpful” (680). When Robin has an Informed voice based on facts and knowledge, she is able to make sense of herself, her children, and others, which allows her to respond with compassion by accepting people and giving them a break, including herself. This awareness allows her to be 77 present and compassionate. She uses reading, counselling, conferences, and relationships with neurodiverse people as sources for this Informed voice. She has learned what works for herself through gaining knowledge, trying different things, self-reflection, and critical thinking. Robin’s Informed voice leads to enabling the richness of her Being voice to emerge—the voice of presence and agency in her life. In our follow-up interview, Robin confirms that this summary is accurate and reflective of our interview. She says that participating in this study has been an interesting process that has given her a better idea of how psychology research works. Since the initial interview, she attended a workshop on self-compassion facilitated by Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer, and she has some new insights to share on self-compassion, in particular Neff’s emerging view of self-compassion as being yin and yang with gentleness and action. Ruth: “We’re Modeling Grace for Our Kids” Ruth is a 38-year-old, European-Canadian woman who is an elementary school teacher. She and her husband live in the Fraser Valley of BC and have two elementary school aged sons. Sam, 10 years old, has received diagnoses of neurodevelopmental disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, separation anxiety disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, learning disabilities, and possibly sensory processing disorder. Ruth suspects that his 7-year-old brother is twice-exceptional as well. The males in this household are very passionate about fishing, and Ruth describes Sam as being empathetic and having very high verbal skills. Ruth recently reconnected with her love of acting by being in a musical. As she tells stories during our interview, she is vibrant and animated, bringing to life the people she is talking about with gestures and voices. She has had a chaotic morning when she comes to our interview 78 after locking her keys in her car, having her phone battery die, and needing her husband to come and rescue her, Sam, and their groceries. Ruth admits that her definition of self-compassion is constantly changing. A few months ago, it would have been “taking time out for myself and doing the things I enjoy” (101–102), but now she shares that it’s “relieving yourself from the pressure to be perfect . . . of worrying about other people’s opinions” (103–104). Her Self-Worth voice is heard with her first definition. It is a voice that realizes choices and empowerment. It recognizes her as being deserving, worthy, and valuable. It is a voice that gives the self permission to do what it needs. When she shares her second definition, a trio of her Self-Worth, Acceptance, and Understanding voices are heard. Her Acceptance voice is heard when there is an awareness of things without applying “good” or “bad” labels. It is a voice that often tells it like it is. Her Understanding voice is a voice that conveys learning things and knowing. It is a voice that can cognitively work through things and sometimes she describes it as her brain clicking. The changes in definitions and voices are part of a shift from self-compassion only being self-care to now being expanded to not having to be perfect. Underlying this release from being perfect or worrying about other people’s opinions is her Expectations voice. It is a voice that is concerned with to-do lists, shoulds, and perfectionism. It is a voice that is aware of societal pressure, roles, and socialized norms. She describes the word exhaling as coming to mind when she thinks of self-compassion and says, “I think it’s just about that release and letting go of mostly expectations of myself” (119–120). An example of putting this into practice has been around her recent return to the stage. This change has meant that her husband is spending more time looking after the kids and household more; therefore, she has had to struggle through letting go of her expectations of what that should look like to accept that he does things differently. She has made the decision to not 79 spend her one day off cleaning, and her voices of Acceptance, Understanding, and Self-Worth are heard in a trio silencing her Expectations voice: You know what? He’s taking care of the kids all week. If his priority has been the kids or spending positive time with the kids and it hasn’t been the house, then that’s okay. Like that’s where his priority needs to be. And um, if I don’t get the house cleaned today and-, it’s not going anywhere. (laughs) So we’ve also hired someone to come in every second week and like actually clean. All I really have to do is tidy. (141 –146) Ruth recounts that her approach to self-compassion is something that began in the past year. With the extra mental load and anxiety that accompanies raising Sam, her Understanding and Expectations voices are heard explaining that before: I just felt so overwhelmed and so frustrated with myself at not being able to meet all the needs and do all the things. Um, and check all the boxes and so-, um-, so it just kind of started sort of as a necessity. (164–166) Her Acceptance Voice takes over and is occasionally joined by her Understanding and SelfWorth voices as she explains: Just trying really hard to be self-aware has helped me understand that . . . I can release a lot of that and let a lot of that go and just be where we are. This is where we are. This is what’s going on. And that’s okay. Because this is just-, it’s not good or bad. It’s just where we are. (172 –175) She cannot point to a specific event, practice, or formula underlying how she has made this change, but she recounts that her recent Christmas break was an opportunity to focus on herself and do activities like meditating and journaling. She remembers further back to a time when 80 Sam was a baby and she saw a counsellor who pointed out to her that she did not have much compassion for herself. Her Understanding voice is heard as she recounts: This lightbulb came on . . . I identified as a very compassion person for other people and I thought, “Why am I so compassionate for everybody else and I have no compassion for myself whatsoever?” . . . I call myself a reforming people pleaser. (195–199) She expands that even her experience of locking her keys in the car was an example of letting go of her expectations and saying, “It is like it is” (182). Her old Expectations voice is heard in this I-Poem before the new trio of her Understanding, Acceptance, and Self-Worth voices are heard with her new response: I would have I would have Why did I? Why haven’t I? I do this somewhat regularly Why am I not? I was just, ‘Okay. Here’s our plan of action.’ (207–212) Instead of worrying about the situation, she accepts what has happened and responds as best she can. Her trio of Understanding, Acceptance, and Self-Worth voices continue their serenade as she reflects, “Instead I was able to direct energy into actively solving my problem and then direct energy into helping him through his feelings and talking him through that. And-, um-, it just made me such a much better parent” (225–228). She cried when her husband arrived to pick her up, and his Acceptance voice is heard as he assures her, “It’s fine. It’s not your fault. It’s not a big deal” (237–238). Her Expectations and Understanding voices are heard together as 81 she says, “I just needed someone to tell me it wasn’t my fault” (238). She is able to push back against her old Expectations; however, it is still hard, and she needed a little nudge from someone else to give her permission and some support to find her own self-compassionate voices. When we talk about whether self-compassion was something that was modeled as she grew up, she said that her mom was and continues to be “a giver to the nth degree” (249). Her mom’s Expectations voice is heard as Ruth tells of her insisting that parents have to “give and give and give until you’re empty and keep giving and that’s just what’s normal” (539–540). The Expectations voice that her mom projects is voiced again by Ruth explaining, “She kind of has insinuated that she thinks [self-compassion] is kind of selfish” (541). Ruth reflects in her Understanding voice, “I think maybe that’s part of my motivation” (253–254). Her Self-Worth voice joins in as she says, “I just don’t wanna-, I don’t wanna go there. I don’t want to be that when I’m 70” (256). She remembers how difficult it was when Sam was getting his diagnoses and her Expectations voice talks about how having a twice-exceptional child has added more guilt to her life. She then switches to her Understanding voice as she recognizes that she may not have felt a need for self-compassion and consequently have accelerated its development if she did not have a twice-exceptional child. In part, this development of self-compassion was facilitated by a talk she shared with a group of people about her expectations of what parenting would look like and how Sam changed that. Her voices of Acceptance, Understanding, and Self-Worth weave amongst each other and harmonize as she explains that feeling compassion from others when she shared her story led her to reflect, “‘This person doesn’t even know me and they’re feeling 82 compassion for me. Why can’t I feel compassion for me?’ (322–324). . . . It was a good reason to give myself permission to be-, to have compassion for myself” (326–327). She has also found that journaling is something that helps her be self-compassionate. Her voices of Acceptance, Understanding, and Self-Worth continue their gentle counterpoint and harmony as she explains that “putting something down on paper and then reading it back kind of helps you put things into perspective” (330–331). Writing about what is going on for her helps her step back from a situation, and instead of panicking or engaging her Expectations voice, journaling helps her to focus on “something that’s positive and forward thinking instead of yeah, reacting” (340–341). Her Understanding and Acceptance voices flow together as she illuminates her thought pattern of, “It’s going to be okay . . . it’s not the end of the world . . . no sense in stressing about this right now” (424–425). These self-compassionate voices help her push against the former Expectations that would typically send her into a panic. Instead she consistently reminds herself that “the universe or God or fate or whatever you want to call it is constantly working in my favour” (432-433). Ruth points out that she needs to care for her own basic needs in order to remain selfcompassionate. Her Understanding and Self-Worth voices resonate as she explains that taking time for herself, and not being too hard on herself, can create a cycle of self-compassion. Her Expectations and Acceptances voices chime in that she has to stay vigilant about that; she accepts that her own needs will change and she must adapt to meet them. When Ruth reflects on how she got into her current self-compassionate cycle, her Understanding and Self-Worth voices emerge as she relates that it “was a really great time for me to just stop and really just connect with myself” (378–379). Her Expectations, Acceptance, and Understanding voices form a counterpoint with staggered entries that build on each other as she shares that she was feeling 83 overwhelmed by the house and that she suspected that if her home was tidied up, her brain would feel tidied up too. Her mom encouraged her just to start and do what she could in the time she had, rather than not even starting. Her Acceptance and Self-Worth voices are projected in her response of, “And so I just did” (387). Her Self-Worth and Understanding voices describe how “it was really empowering to be able to just kind of take charge” (392–393). She uses her Understanding, Acceptance, and Self-Worth voices to push against the Expectations of her old habits that occasionally start creeping in to tell herself, “No, that’s not the way it’s really going to play out right now” (396–397). Despite all of this growth and embracing of self-compassion, her Expectations voice still is heard questioning why she is not more stressed out with all the things that she is juggling in life right now; however, her Acceptance voice silences it with “I don’t know whether I’m just doing really great or I’m just in major denial about it (409–410). . . . It’s going to be okay. I’ve gotten through it before” (413–414). She concludes with the rich chorus of her Acceptance and Self-Worth voices, “I think maybe I’m just choosing not to be [stressed]” (417). In many ways, having a twice-exceptional child has forced her to become more selfcompassionate as she regularly helps Sam regulate his emotions, think through things logically, and adopt a growth mindset. Her Acceptance and Awareness voices deliver a tuneful duo as she explains in this I-Poem: He’s very anxious I’m saying to him I need to hear myself He’s having a huge reaction I’m sitting there trying to talk him through it (437–440) 84 Her process of talking him through a problem continues to be heard with her Acceptance and Awareness voices: “Okay, so let’s rate your problem on a scale of 1–10. 10 is the entire world on fire. (laughs) . . . And what was your reaction on a scale of 1–10?” And when we get to the fact that his problem is probably a 1 or 2 in comparison to all the big things that can be really huge problems, um, then I’m like, “What was your reaction on a scale of 1–10? Okay, so like a 5? So, what do you think your reaction could be so that it’s more in line to the size of the problem that you’re having?” Um, and even talking him through that helps to talk me through that too. (440–447) Just like telling her story to others who responded compassionately and journaling allowed her to gain a greater perspective on and to mindfully accept her situation, stepping back and helping her son work through his crisis helps her adopt a mindful awareness of her moments of difficulty as well. She expands on her mindful Acceptance of problems by empowering her son to find his Self-Worth voice, by helping him make choices that move him in the direction that works best for him. Her Acceptance and Understanding voices are joined in places by her Self-Worth voice as she teaches Sam to take responsibility for his actions and helps him resolve his inner tension: “Yeah, okay, so you had a tough time this morning. Like there were some issues that we had. That doesn’t mean that the morning’s over. It doesn’t mean that you can’t-, like make a choice or choose differently. It doesn’t mean that you can’t stop the direction that we’re moving in right now, reassess, reevaluate, and move in a different direction if this direction’s not making you happy.” (459–463) 85 She says that she really needs to be genuine when she uses this approach with Sam as he will pick up if she is just saying things that she does not actually believe. “He knows if I’m not being honest with myself as I’m saying it to him (laughs). . . . His intuition is very strong” (478–482). She laughs as she recounts that she did not realize when she was pregnant what wishing for a child who was independent and not a people-pleaser would actually look like, but that she got what she wished for. She has embraced her voices of Acceptance and Understanding in raising her sons and says, “Both of them are really interesting. We don’t have normal, typical children. If there is such a thing. I don’t know if there is. Actually, I’ve taught a few of them. (whispers) They’re kind of boring” (508–512). She accepts her children are not normal and is completely okay with them being different, in fact she enjoys it. She talks about how her husband has been helping more with co-parenting and household tasks recently since she has been in the play. After he points out how he feels like he is doing everything on his own, her Expectations, Self-Worth, and Understanding voices are heard as she replies, “I know that you probably feel like you’re doing it all, but this is what 50% is” (560– 561). She validates his feelings and expectations, but then she also stands up for herself as she is still, getting the kids up in the morning, and packing their lunches, and bringing them to school, and talking to their teachers, and filling in their fieldtrip forms, and ordering hot lunch, and making appointments for them, and follow up on the appointments for them, and taking them to tutoring on Sundays and like, all of the not-fun stuff. (562 –566) His Expectations do not overpower her Self-Worth voice, and, at the same time, she does not shut him down or criticize him for how he feels. She has been surprised by the amount of growth she has seen in him and the Acceptance he extends to her by telling her things like, 86 “Don’t worry. It’s okay” (577). Her Acceptance and Understanding voices form a counterpoint as she says, “We’re really growing. Yeah. It’s been a hard haul but we’re getting there. Well sometimes we’re getting there. Other days he’s lucky he survives the night (laughs)” (577 – 579). Her Acceptance and Understanding voices, developed through living their lives together, along with her humour, allow her to accept and acknowledge that marriage is difficult and will have ups and downs. She talks about how even a few months ago she would have described self-compassion as occasionally doing something nice for herself, but that something switched in her brain, like lightbulbs going on. Previously, this happened when she was seeing a counsellor and after a few sessions something shifted in her mind resulting in her being able to create healthy boundaries with others. Similarly, she cannot pinpoint a specific moment, conversation, quote, or article that has brought about this change with self-compassion, but she concludes in her Acceptance and Understanding voices that “it’s just been a process” (605). Her voices seem to project that moving forward is a process of trusting and accepting; there is not a specific action that can bring change. Nevertheless, over time there is noticeable movement. Growth, learning, and change are things that she values as she explains, “It lights me up inside (608). . . . I just honestly think it was a process of maybe a few things (610). . . . that just kind of clicked and brought me to this place (612).” One of the key thought processes behind this change, expressed by her Self-Worth and Understanding voices, was realizing: “Yeah. I do deserve to be happy. Why don’t I deserve to be happy? Like, why don’t I value myself enough to be happy?” . . . that kind of triggered some growth and then this last Christmas, it just kind of like all exploded into, um, just a bunch of connections. Honestly, I think it’s just my brain making a bunch of connections. (615–619) 87 Her Understanding and Self-Worth voices speak more of this process: I feel like honestly, it sounds crazy, but getting my house in order, it was like me get-, putting my brain in order (621–622). . . . Being able to like have a refuge (625–626). . . . and just taking charge and taking like, being like, “I don’t have to sit here and feel overwhelmed with to-do lists.” (627–628) Ruth’s voices of Understanding, Acceptance, and Self-Worth are heard in counterpoint with her old voice of Expectations highlighting the difference between how she used to respond before and how she responds now in this I-Poem: If I don’t finish I can still do it tomorrow I’d be like I didn’t finish I would never go back I’d be like I failed I don’t even want to (633–637) When asked how self-compassion has affected her parenting, Ruth’s Understanding voice is clearly heard as she shares, “I have so much more energy now for them. I’m calmer, and . . . when you have a child who has anxiety disorder and panic disorder, being able to stay calm in a crisis is like-, is huge for me” (647–649). She talks about how things have changed for husband too. Peter and I come from very different parenting backgrounds, so parenting together can be really challenging sometimes . . . I would say in the last few months all of a sudden . . . I 88 think he’s really kind of come to fully understand the fact that um-, that we have a child with special needs (655 –659). . . . He’s like, ‘He’s not doing it to make my day shitty, he’s doing it because he’s having a shitty day, um, and he needs my help.’ . . I feel like we’re parenting from the same corner. (664 –666) Her Understanding voice is heard calmly pointing out the changes, and her husband’s Acceptance voice occasionally joins the refrain as they have been on this difficult journey of not only marriage and parenting together, but also of coming to terms with their son’s diagnoses and the unique challenges that he lives with. Their family’s Expectations voice has changed through this process to one that incorporates Understanding, Acceptance, and Self-Worth as she says, “I think that by having more grace for myself, it’s helped him have more grace for himself as a parent too. And then also um-, we’re just modeling grace for our kids” (667–669). There is now a new Expectation that they will make mistakes and that it is okay to be wherever they are at. As a result of this shift of Acceptance, Ruth describes in her Understanding voice, “I’m just so much calmer and that really helps” (677–678). She has also shared this journey with a friend at work and with her sister-in-law who she enjoys having inspiring conversations with and learning from. Ruth talks about the Expectations that her son with his giftedness and high sensitivity has of her; “he tells me when I don’t measure up” (712). She pushes back against Sam’s Expectations voice by modeling Acceptance of herself and asking him for it too. This in turn has helped him as well. Her Understanding, Acceptance, and Self-Worth voices are heard in a trio as she explains to him: This is just me and your mom is human and like-, that’s-, you’re human too and I just accept you in the way that you come, and the way that we are, and how our day’s going, and I just really need that from you too. (713–716) 89 Previously, Ruth has not been sure what this new way of responding to herself has been and laughs with her Understanding voice that: It’s been kind of cool for me to kind of reflect on this through lens of it being selfcompassion because before it was just sort of like-, this is what I’m doing and this is like the me that I’m embracing, and that mindful-, like being present. So it’s kind of nice when I can term it self-compassion, it um-, I don’t know-, it feels a little bit more proactive to like label it as something as opposed to being the airy-fairy thing that I’m doing where I’m just like (laughs) being the Brene Brown of me. (723–728) In her follow-up interview, Ruth admits that reading over the summary surprised her because it highlighted for her that she is an effective parent. She found that having the names changed made her feel slightly removed from her story and thus gave her a fresh perspective. She felt that it is accurate and a timely reminder of what she needs to do to take care of herself now that she is tired from the school year ending and has two months off of teaching over the summer. Cheryl: “We’re All Human” Cheryl is a 38-year-old, European-Canadian woman who lives in the Fraser Valley of BC with her husband and twice-exceptional daughter, Elizabeth. Cheryl works for a non-profit organization and as a dance instructor. She meets me at my home for our interview on a weekend in between her other commitments. She has lots to share from her life experience and is passionate about how self-compassion intersects with parenting Elizabeth. I experience Cheryl as someone who talks with the expressivity of someone who is comfortable being the center of attention, counterbalanced with the humility of a mom who has been pushed to her limit many times. 90 Elizabeth is 7 years old, attends public school, and is the only child at home, although she had an older brother who passed away in utero. Cheryl describes Elizabeth as bright and curious, with an ability to ask abstract, in depth questions and to put things together to make connections in an advanced way. She also enjoys dancing and takes competitive dance classes. Cheryl says she knew she was in trouble when the maternity nurses commented that they had never seen a newborn stay awake so long after birth before. As she grew up, Elizabeth became increasingly frustrated and would have meltdowns during which she would be out of control and would scream for up to two hours. Cheryl tells me that Elizabeth screamed so much that she damaged her vocal cords and that she only wants her mommy when she is upset or it is bedtime. In addition, Elizabeth has some sensory sensitivities to things like clothing and sounds, and she has an iron deficiency. As we begin talking about self-compassion, Cheryl defines self-compassion as “being able to forgive yourself for our humanness, especially in tough situations, and also being able to find ways of being kind to ourselves and . . . being able to recharge (138–140). Her Honesty and Perfectionism voices are heard in counterpoint as she talks about self-compassion being this combination of forgiving ourselves when we make mistakes and giving ourselves time and space to recharge when needed. Cheryl’s Honesty voice speaks with emotional truthfulness, vulnerability, and authenticity. It is heard when she acknowledges when things are difficult, rather than trying to push through or cover up challenges or weaknesses. It is a voice that has an undertone of self-kindness. Her Perfectionism voice expresses a need to live by the high standards she self-imposes and to influence or shape her environment or people’s behaviours. It is a voice of a need to achieve, and it says things like, “I have to” and “I should.” When she talks about self-forgiveness, her Rationalizing voice makes its entry: 91 We’re going to make mistakes – we’re human. And those little people can be very trying in situations that we find ourselves in. Sometimes we’re not able to control, you know, we’ve-, our prefrontal cortex has now disengaged and we’re running on our pure emotions. And sometimes it’s hard to be able to stop ourselves, but to remember that we’re human and we are going to – so we have to forgive ourselves. (148–152) Her Rationalizing voice gives background information, reasons, and logical explanations. It sometimes uses technical language to explain things and can take the tone of justifying choices or actions. As Cheryl tells the story of a time when Elizabeth choked on a ferritin pill Cheryl was having her swallow for her iron deficiency, her voice develops from Rationalizing, to Perfectionism, to Honesty: I was trying I had made a mistake I was following I should have I can see I should have I should have I was upset I was angry I made these choices I can learn I did the best I could (170 – 191) 92 Moving through her voices allows Cheryl to work through feeling overwhelmed in a very scary situation and to become accepting of her role in this event; she was simply following the instructions of her pharmacist, and she is able to analyze the situation logically to accept that she was doing the best she could at the time with the knowledge she had. She repeats her mantra that it is okay for her to make mistakes “because we’re all human” (188) and states that in the future she would do things differently. Throughout Cheryl’s interview, she repeatedly highlights that self-compassion and parenting are intertwined for her. When she first became a parent, she was told at her 20-week ultrasound with her son, Adam, that he had a terminal illness. Her Rationalizing voice is heard explaining the details until her Honesty voice takes over the melody with, “‘cause the selfish part of me just wanted to keep my baby, but the rational, logical, compassionate part of me couldn’t let him suffer for my own selfish needs” (255–257). In sharing this memory, she uses her Rationalizing voice to cognitively work through the painful situation to arrive at a response that is loving and kind towards Adam and also herself: “I chose to go through full labour so that I could see him if I wanted to. . . . He was so little” (280–282). She shares how understanding the situation and the possible outcomes allowed her to be accepting of her choice, even though it was incredibly difficult and “people just don’t understand” (291). Her Honesty voice is heard as she reflects about how she turned to self-compassion to cope during this time: I think that was one of the biggest turning points because it had to be in order to survive it, and in order to come out stronger than before, and I think that we really did. Like, [my husband] and I really banded together. He was amazing through that. He was so supportive. I mean, he was suffering too, but he could see that-, that-, I-, it was different. (795 –799). 93 She returns to talking about raising Elizabeth and her Rationalizing voice is heard explaining how her child development studies during her undergraduate degree, in particular Dan Siegel’s and Ross Greene’s books, helped her become more self-compassionate with parenting Elizabeth. She finds that knowing how to repair mistakes with Elizabeth has been especially helpful. “I have found [it] very helpful for me to be able to forgive myself if I’ve made a mistake. Just being able to acknowledge it and move past” (337–338). She talks more specifically with her Rationalizing voice about how reading The Explosive Child (Greene, 1998) gave her helpful parenting strategies: Elizabeth would have these huge, massive explosions where she was having these twohour meltdowns and – it talks a lot there-, they talk a lot about-, like-, parents to forgive themselves when they make mistakes, because we make mistakes. And it gives you tools on how to right the mistakes you’ve made and, like, take steps towards making things better. And I think it was doing-, like reading and doing all of that work is when I saw a real shift in how I viewed myself as a parent. (352–357) Here, her Rationalizing voice provides a cognitive refrain for coping with the added demands of having a twice-exceptional child. This appears to be a purposeful process that allows her to reach a deeper Honesty about how hard parenting is and to maintain an acceptance that she is doing her best. When asked if this self-compassionate approach is used in other areas of her life, her Perfectionist and Honesty voices are heard together: I’m trying. I’m really hard on myself in other areas. I’ve got some perfectionist tendencies. Um, I think where I’ve been struggling the most is that in other areas of my 94 life is going back to my Master’s. Like there’s this guilt that I feel that I haven’t done it yet. (369–371) Her Rationalizing voice picks up the melody to explain that many of her friends from university have continued their education. In this quote about her schooling, her Honesty voice provides the introduction and coda (a concluding passage) to her Rationalizing voice: I think actually that has been the hardest. The self-compassion of leaving myself the space to, ‘No, I need to take the time right now to be a mom to Elizabeth.’ And if I go back to school right now, that’s going to take away from my time when she’s little and she’s only little for a little more. You know? There’s only going to be a few more years until she doesn’t need me so much-, that she doesn’t want to spend every moment with me. . . . And doing my undergrad while she was a baby-, like an infant and a toddler-, I feel like sometimes she-, even though I was always very present, I was also going to school and working. I feel like I missed pieces. And I don’t want to miss anymore. (393403) As she continues to reflect on the difference between her strong self-compassionate approach to parenting and her weaker self-compassionate approach to the rest of her life, she realizes that her competitive dance background did not help her foster compassion for herself. Her Rationalizing voice explains her motivation for changing: The whole point of parenting is to help these people become human beings that function in our society. So, if I want her to grow up to be healthy and happy and have compassion for herself and her mistakes, I have to model that for her. (442–444) Her voice of Perfectionism resonates with these expectations that she must model selfcompassion for Elizabeth: 95 I have these expectations of myself and I’m not always very good at being kind if I have-, if I’m not reaching them when I think I should have reached them when I first set those expectations. I’m trying to be better about that. (446–448) Her Honesty voice softens the tone of her Perfectionism voice by being authentic about her lack of self-compassion in some areas and genuinely longing to change that. When her Rationalizing voice joins the chorus, she is able to cognitively appreciate that she is on a journey and to accept that she has much to learn and to grow. She reassures herself about her Master’s, “I will get there when the time is right” (477). To be compassionate to herself, Cheryl finds that verbally processing things helps. She is friends with another mom and finds benefit in “being able to vent to another mom that understands . . . and just being able to get it out . . . get it out of my body” (488–490). She describes how others’ validation of her struggles allows her to respond to herself compassionately, noting “My feelings are valid. This situation is difficult” (493). Her Rationalizing and Honesty voices alternatingly articulate that having someone else accept her and her parenting without judgment helps her to do the same. She has some female friends who “are amazing that way” (499), in contrast to her husband who she sees as just wanting to fix things or as having a different level of understanding because “he’s not a mom. It’s different.” (501–502). In addition to having friends to verbally process things with, Cheryl finds allowing herself time and space to step back and recharge an important aspect of being selfcompassionate. Her Rationalizing voice explains how she finds things like watching a show; reading; taking a bath; colouring; doing her hair, nails, and makeup; photographing; and teaching 96 dance help her rejuvenate and recharge. She reflects with her Honesty voice on how she has improved this part of her life since completing her undergraduate degree: I’ve been much better I would just go-go-go-go-go-go I was very tired I wasn’t as good of a parent I hadn’t given myself the time (519–522) Cheryl makes the connection that by caring for herself, she is able to better care for and parent Elizabeth as well. Another activity Cheryl does to recharge is teaching dance. When Cheryl talks about reconnecting with her passion for teaching dance after taking several years off, the resonance of her Honesty voice deepens as she connects with a deeper sense of being: I took a break I really missed it I love being I love working I love choreography I love I love I love being I love being (557–566) As her Honesty voice increases its rich resonance, her loquacious Rationalizing voice fades, her intermittent Perfectionism voice is silent, and a deeper knowing, sweet-sounding 97 melody is heard. This voice continues as she says, “it is a piece of self-compassion because it’s feeding the part of me that I was missing” (573–574). She shifts topics and her illuminating Honesty voice conveys how she has also had to learn how to let go of unhealthy relationships and how to set boundaries with her family. Her Perfectionism voice joins in the refrain as she talks about needing to get better at setting boundaries. Her Honesty voice returns as she explains how forgiveness is a key part of this process for her: I’ve had to work on taking care of myself and in order to take care of myself, I need to be able to forgive myself for my mistakes so that I can move and not be beating myself up all the time because then I’m not going to be the best person I can be. (629–631) Throughout this conversation, Cheryl’s Rationalizing and Honesty voices alternate in a call and response refrain. Her Rationalizing voice details what is happening and explores the logical reasons before the Honesty voice takes its turn to vulnerably intonate the deeper, emotional aspects of what is happening. In this passage, her Honesty voice calls out that it is hard parenting a twice-exceptional child, and her Rationalizing voice responds with the explanation to support why it is difficult: It has been (long pause) challenging is not a strong enough word, to raise her. Um (long pause) I don’t think I would be as compassionate if it hadn’t been for school while having her. Because that helped me understand her. If I hadn’t of had that, have her, her meltdowns and she could be ver-, ugh, the biggest thing that drives me insane is that she is incredibly argumentative. Not often very defiant. She can be defiant, but every kid can be defiant, but everything is an argument. And that’s part of what an intelligent child is. (655–660) 98 There are times during which Cheryl feels the burden of being Elizabeth’s safe person, especially during her two-hour meltdowns when family members have said, “Well, it’s only you that she does this with, so it’s something you must be doing” (679–680). One of Cheryl’s professors was, and continues to be, a key support for her when she has felt like she was in over her head with Elizabeth. Her professor, a child psychologist, would listen and then validate that Cheryl was doing the right things. Having an experienced child psychologist say that she was doing the right things allowed her to be able to adopt those beliefs for herself and say, “No, she does this because I’m the person she’s comfortable with. . . . I am her safety so she’s holding it all in, and I’m the one who gets the brunt of it (681–683). Her Perfectionism, Rationalizing, and Honesty voices weave in and out of each other to allow her to arrive at a place of compassionate acceptance that she is good at parenting Elizabeth and that she is making choices that are difficult in the moment, but will be effective in the long run. She gives an example in her Rationalizing voice of how Elizabeth can now sleep through the night on her own after many years of problems with sleeping. Her Honesty voice describes these relationships with friends and family who do not understand her situation: I love you I really kind of want to punch you in the face right now (768– 769) She says, “I had to learn which people in my life were actually going to help me and which ones weren’t. I think parenting her has helped me in that area of my life just in general” (859–861). Throughout Cheryl’s interview, her Perfectionism voice is muted by her Rationalizing voice saying things like, “I’m human” and her Honesty voice being transparent about her mistakes and challenges. These two voices seem to perform a well-rehearsed duet that rarely 99 leaves room for her Perfectionism voice to be heard; however, there is a sense that it is silently present within Cheryl’s psyche, perhaps providing the motivation for the other voices to be so present. It appears to take masterful effort to silence this voice, and it seems that its silencing is a significant part of Cheryl’s approach to self-compassion. Her Perfectionism voice is momentarily able to surface when she talks about her undergraduate grades, “I had put very high standards on myself and when I didn’t meet them, I was really hard on myself and that B+ nearly killed me” (831–832). Immediately following its emergence, her Rationalizing and Honesty voices intensify their duo in an indomitable effort to respond to herself more compassionately. Cheryl explains how she works through parenting challenges this way by being selfcompassionate: I’ve been able to --- let things go, try not to beat myself up too much over my mistakes and instead switch it to learn from the mistakes that I’ve made and just learn, “Okay. Well that didn’t work. Different tactic next time.” (875–877) She also tries to model self-compassion so that Elizabeth will learn to respond to herself compassionately. Cheryl tells of how Elizabeth asked her “Mom, do you love yourself?” (893), and it seems that Elizabeth has picked up on Cheryl’s silently present Perfectionism voice. Cheryl says these questions are “like somebody holding up a big mirror and going, ‘Okay, look at the truth of yourself.’ And it’s hard” (899–900). She struggles with balancing wanting to be the best she can be and not wanting to be perfectionistic. She does this by cultivating the chorus of her Honesty and Rationalizing voices reminding her that she is a human who is doing her best and sometimes makes mistakes. Her Honesty voice relates her response to Elizabeth’s question: I have to realize how far I’ve come and that I do actually love myself. I do love the person I have become. I’ve worked really hard to try to be the best person I can be. So, 100 I’ve tried to teach her that piece of it. That, ‘Yes, I will make mistakes. Yes, I’m not perfect, but that doesn’t mean that I’m less of a person.’ (905–908) Cheryl’s Honesty voice describes self-compassion as a “survival tactic” (774) as she parents Elizabeth, and concludes our interview with an exhortative final refrain: In order to be an effective parent and help them be the best people that they’re going to be, we have to work on ourselves. We have to be compassionate with ourselves or they will never learn that themselves. I think that’s probably a bit part of it. I want her to be the best person she can possibly be, which means that I have to do work on myself. (932– 936) In her follow-up interview, she confirms that this summary is accurate and reflective of our conversation. She says, “it’s like you saw right into my brain (laughs). It’s like you know me or something” (2). She elaborates that the different voices and the process really capture how she feels. Cheryl shares that the awareness of this discrepancy is something that she is taking away from participating in this study and that she hopes in the future to be more selfcompassionate in all areas of her life. This new way of relating to herself is something she has had to develop and pursue in order to become the kind of parent she wants to be for Elizabeth. She realizes that she is able to get to “that self-compassion piece a lot faster than I used to be able to because I sort of understand more how I get myself there” (55–56). Celeste: “Self-Compassion Begets Self-Compassion” Celeste is a French-Canadian woman in her mid-30s who is a professional artist and working on her Ph.D. She lives in Winnipeg with her partner and her 10-year-old son, Liam. We do our interview via a videocall and during the interview, she is seated in her quiet storefront 101 that she explains is currently being renovated. Celeste speaks with the natural confidence of a woman who is knowledgeable and equipped to capably handle the many challenges she faces. Celeste identifies that Liam has both medical diagnoses (i.e., cystic fibrosis, immune compromised, cystic fibrosis-related diabetes), and psychological diagnoses (i.e., dyslexia, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) that present on-going, daily challenges. When asked to describe Liam, Celeste uses the word “bouncy” to capture his resilience in the face of the unrelenting nature of his treatments. He also has been rapidly improving in reading and writing this past year after starting with a new tutoring program. He has a very high IQ, and she describes him as displaying brilliantly creative problem-solving skills, particularly when it comes to building things. Celeste describes self-compassion as “just allowing the experience to be without needing to control it or judge myself or others . . . allowing room for things to not exist perfectly, without judgment, without shame” (117–119). Her voices of Acceptance and Agency are heard harmonizing. Her Acceptance voice arises when there is an awareness and peace about herself and how things are. There is a sense that she allows herself to be herself, and she gives room for the experience to be what it is. It is a voice that says, “I’m okay.” Her Agency voice is heard when there is a belief in her capacity to take effective action and to make impactful choices. It is a voice that can ask for and express things with its ability to take action. It is a voice of connection to her deeper being or self. She expands on her view of self-compassion by explaining that the word “effort” (122) comes to mind when she thinks of self-compassion. Her Learning voice joins her Agency voice as she expands, “I do have to work at self-compassion. It doesn’t come easily. It’s something I have to do consciously” (123–124). Her Learning voice is heard when there is an openness to 102 thinking and being differently. It is a voice that is connected to her ability to change, adapt, and experience a metamorphosis or evolution. Her introduction to self-compassion was just under a year ago during one of Liam’s hospital stays. She describes the interaction with their psychologist: She’d say, “Celeste, I see what’s going on. I’ve been reading the charts. This must be really hard for you.” And right away I’d deflect and say, “Well, it’s harder on Liam.” And she’d say, “Well, if I were in your shoes, I think I would be scared.” And I would deflect again and I’d say, “Oh no. I trust that it’s all going to be okay in the end, so –” But like clearly I’m scared and I’m shaking and I’m angry. I would go on and on. She would give all these beautifully validating, completely accurate statements, and I was Teflon woman. (145-150) . . . She called me on my bullshit each time and went, “Okay, but Celeste, like if this is hard, it’s okay to say it’s hard.” (154–156) During this recounting, her voices of self-compassion are mostly silent, with an occasional entry of her Acceptance voice. She was resistant to the new way of responding to difficulties that their psychologist presented, and she describes her old way of responding to Liam’s challenges as being “the faithful warrior, being the mama bear, and being the advocate, and being unrelenting. You know, my vision of strong” (160–161). Her Agency voice gains strength in this I-Poem as her Learning voice begins to be heard. She rapidly moves closer towards change when her psychologist helped her see a new way of responding to herself during difficult times: I wasn’t acknowledging I wasn’t doing self-care I was standing in the way of myself I had all this life experience 103 I was very comfortable in my façade I’m holding it together I didn’t need to read the book I got it [self-compassion] I got it right away (162–174) At the end, her Agency voice is heard with a burst as she connects with what the psychologist was saying; it was like a lightbulb instantly turned on, illuminating self-compassion for her. In this I-Poem, she recounts how she used her new self-compassionate stance to respond differently on the day Liam received his diabetes diagnosis; she was able to advocate for what she needed in the moment, rather than to feel pressure to accommodate the doctor’s busy schedule: I just sort of stopped the situation I frequently feel pressure I don’t want to waste their time I often push all of the emotion out of the room “I’m going to be present I’ll fall apart later” I took a very different tactic I did attend to Liam I sort of stopped the doctor ‘I need a break I want I need’ (194–202) 104 Her Learning and Agency voices are heard harmonizing with the richness of her openness to do things in a meaningfully different way than she would have previously. She courageously became aware of her own needs and was able to make them a priority in a situation in which typically she just accepted what she was given: That was, I mean, I-, I-, it-, it’s a bit of advocacy to use self-compassion to say, ‘Wow. I can say that this is what I need and my need is more important than what the doctors need right now.’ (205–207) She tells of how the doctor sent her with Liam to get bloodwork done before meeting them back in Liam’s room. Her Agency and Learning voices sustain their duet as she continues to use selfcompassion to recognize and honour her own needs: I had-, had that walk to clear my head and say, “Oh, wait. Hey, I know what to do in this situation. I’m not going to be able to hear everything the doctor says. I need to record our conversation from this point forward.” So I asked the doctor and the nurse-educator, “Can I turn on my voice recording? I’m going to try to have the best conversation I can with you, but I don’t want to miss anything.” (210–214) She continues the story with her Agency and Learning voices continuing their harmony. They are then replaced momentarily by her Acceptance voice that acknowledges she had an emotional breakdown before resuming the original duet of recognizing and honouring her needs: That [the recording] was another layer that I wouldn’t have got to in being kind to myself and doing right with myself, had I not started that journey to say, “Wait. Pause. Okay.” I had my pause. The pause let me say, “Okay, I need something else. Okay, I’ll ask for this.” And then on and on. And the rest of the day went by that. And I won’t pretend that I got home and didn’t have a total emotional breakdown because that’s what happens 105 when you find out that your son is diabetic. And that’s okay. Um, but I felt like I handled the day so much more gracefully than I would have even just six months prior. And that-, that to me was really those tools of self-compassion. My needs matter. (217– 224) The paradox of change is that her Acceptance of her own needs and the situation allowed her to be open to new possibilities, although her openness to new possibilities lead to greater acceptance of her own needs and the situation. Together, her Acceptance and Learning voices allowed her Agency voice to increase in power and resonance. Celeste sees this as a revolutionary change as she did not get to see adults dealing with their problems as a child. She recounts that she did not have a great connection with her parents and was raised by a “beautiful village” (244): a collection of her relatives who passed her around and raised her. This means that she only saw people at their best and was sheltered from seeing people go through hard times as she was treated like a special guest in everyone’s homes; thus, she was sheltered from seeing adults respond to adversity, resulting in her having to chart her own path in how to deal with challenges. We focus back on how having a twice-exceptional child has influenced her experience of self-compassion and Celeste articulates how Liam motivates her to be kinder to herself and that he demonstrates to her a better way of being. “He lives so much in the moment. He’s not a worrier . . . I need that. . . . What I want to do [is the] right now. Tomorrow’s problems can be tomorrow’s problems” (270–272). The richness of her Acceptance voice is heard as she declares, “It’s more important to be real, and-, and acknowledge that some things just do suck and it’s okay for them to suck, and it’s okay to name that” (267–268). Both she and Liam are 106 learning not to sugar-coat their challenges, but to acknowledge them and to turn towards themselves with kindness and acceptance in their moments of suffering. She describes her profound change as a “cognitive awakening” (279). Her description of self-compassion allows herself to acknowledge and feel emotions connected to her experience, consciously responding to herself in a new way. Her Learning and Agency voices intertwine and overlap as she explains this transformation: It resonated. I was ready to hear it probably because I was at my breaking point. I think that [the psychologist] saw that much longer and I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was pulling myself together with rubber bands and pieces of tape. And just, you know, being awakened to the fact that I was making, you know, some, that I was defeating myself, um, was enough. (285–288) Instead of being weakened by naming and being with her difficult feelings and moments of suffering, turning towards them has allowed her to care for herself in a way that avoiding them before did not. Her emotions allow her to identify what she needs to nurture and strengthen within herself: a new way of responding to herself of which she was in desperate need. She shares what she has learned with others, and she says that her friends “are now very aware and they’re able to call me out on [being self-compassionate] too” (299–300). Celeste wants to continue this journey with others and expresses that she wants “more people around me who are also more understanding about self-compassion and they can help me with it. So that’s the next journey – not just doing it alone” (305–306). Rather than struggling in isolation, Celeste wants to connect with others and to continue to grow. Celeste has been journaling monthly for years and explains that how she approaches this ritual has changed drastically since her introduction to self-compassion. Previously, her entries 107 were more observational and now they have become more personal. Her Acceptance, Learning, and Agency voices are heard intertwining and harmonizing as she explains: Making space for those feelings – giving them enough space even to write them down, is a big step for me. And it wasn’t one that I took, um, deliberately. I didn’t say to myself, “Okay, I’m going to start writing in the first person instead of this more clinical–” It just sort of evolved into that. And I think-, I think that was very much a natural extension of the fact that I was acknowledging that it was okay to have feelings that I did, and that it’s okay to even write them down, which makes them very real. (324–329) The crux of her change in being compassionate to herself is acknowledging and responding to her feelings with kindness and care; however, Celeste shares that she has always been an advocate of self-care so that has not changed recently. “I need me-time to recharge my batteries or sharpen my saw. I’ve always been very good at that” (338–339). Her Agency, Learning, and Acceptance voices are heard expanding: I just always knew that self-care was going to be incredibly important if I was going to care for someone who has high needs. (343–345) . . . it’s just part of life. If you want to accomplish a lot then you have to expect that you need down time. You need to recharge. (348-349) . . . I can certainly see how self-care, like those self-care actions are, are absolutely a manifestation of self-compassion. I don’t think, I don’t think it’s possible to be, be compassionate but not being willing to give yourself the time and effort of selfcare. (353–355) Celeste has found that making travel a priority is an integral part of her self-care and over the years has purposefully structured her life to make that possible, even flying out family members to care for Liam when he was younger and she was a single-mom. She identifies that what 108 people do for self-care is an individual decision and that it requires a significant amount of selfunderstanding to pinpoint what will work best. Moving away from the topic of self-care and back to self-compassion, Celeste’s Acceptance, Learning, and Agency voices are heard resonating as she shares how she has discovered that self-compassion begets self-compassion: If I’ve already sort of started down that journey, even if it’s just like one miniscule decision to say, ‘Hey, you know what? I don’t really have the time to do it, but I’m going for a walk,’ then when I’m when I’m on that walk, it’s really easy to let the selfcompassion flow and go, “Hey, you know, I had a really hard day at work today, you know, this week, and handled these things really well, and acknowledged that it was hard, or where the successes were, what I did well.” So once you take that first step, it gets easier and easier and easier. Like a snowball. (424–430) This practice of consciously fostering self-compassion has helped her live a life in which she thrives, rather than just survives. She talks about her former fears of travelling with Liam. Her Learning and Agency voices harmonize as she says, “If we’re not going to settle, then I have to do the things that allow me to thrive. And that requires you to do all of that big, scary stuff, then it’s going to need self-compassion” (448–450). She tells of an unprecedented heat wave they experienced during the summer they lived in France and how, due to cystic fibrosis complications, Liam had to take salt tablets that led to him getting chemical burns on his skin due to the way she administered them. Her Acceptance voice triumphantly declares, “‘Hey! You know what? Shit happens.’ (466) . . . We learned from that and doing that didn’t make me say to myself, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m a terrible parent’” (469–470). Her Learning and Agency voices continue with, “What I’m going to take is a lesson in how to deal with salt tablets” (474–475). 109 Celeste’s ability to Accept that things will go wrong and that she still is a caring and capable parent allowed her to Learn from and expand her Agency so that when she was offered a careerchanging job in Africa, she was able to pursue it. She recognizes, “Even before I knew what self-compassion was, there’s-, there was some of that going on” (479–480). Her earlier practices of self-care and Acceptance possibly prepared her for readily adopting the emotional aspects of self-compassion when they were presented to her. Celeste has found that her metamorphosis with self-compassion has not changed how she parents Liam; however, it has changed how she experiences life. Her Learning and Agency voices are heard persuasively proclaiming: What I’ve done I increased MY quality of life, MY resiliency and I AM happier for it. (507–508) . . . In terms of my mental health and my ability to cope and my ability to be happy, um, live a full life, that’s where the changes are. (513–514) As we end the interview, she reflects on how she wishes that she had been taught the skills of self-compassion earlier and on how thankful she is that Liam has the opportunity to be exposed to these concepts much earlier in his life through school programs and counselling. Celeste’s Learning voice concludes the interview with a desire to continue to learn and share the practice of self-compassion: I feel like we’re doing a bit of catch up. Like, I honestly feel like this self-compassion is a thing that we should have always know, um-, and it’s a set of skills or even just an awareness . . . I think it’s easily accessible. It just needs to be shared. (547–550) In her follow-up interview, Celeste says that her story is accurate and reflective of the content of our interview. She finds it nice to read it after several months and that it still resonates and is true for her. She reflects that the process of participating in this study, coupled with 110 recently going to South America, has helped her learn some new things about herself and revalidate some things she already knew but did not understand how important they were to her. By talking about the importance of travel in our first interview, she realized after Liam was diagnosed with a serious infection that she needed to prioritize a trip with her partner: I kind of realized that we could kind of still go to Brazil because by then we’d be in a routine and the worst of the treatment would be over and my parents were both taking time off of work and coming to live in my house together to take care of my kid. You know, it all sort of worked out and at the end of the day, I was like, “Okay, I’m going to go to Brazil and better yet, I’m going to go to Brazil without feeling guilty!” (88–90) She says reading her story helped her connect with what she shared about self-compassion as being a real truth for herself. Mary: “I Needed to Take Care of Myself” Mary is a European-Canadian mother in her 40s who has two adolescent sons. She lives in Edmonton with her partner, and she works as a professional photographer. Our interview is over a videocall and she greets me from her home where she has found a quiet corner away from her family’s evening activities. She is personable and focused as she talks with the calm, confidence of a woman who has grown through many challenges in life. Mary identifies her oldest son, Thomas (age 14), as being twice-exceptional. He currently attends a school for children with learning disabilities and has received diagnoses in the areas of coding and decoding, writing, and reading. He had tantrums from the ages of 2.5 to 12 years, around which time he began to develop stronger self-regulation skills; however, Mary notes that he still struggles with anxiety and panic attacks, and he has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Mary describes Thomas’s strengths as being able to 111 integrate thoughts and information in unique ways, as well as being able to sense emotions in others with surprising accuracy. He is teaching himself coding and plans to become a videogame maker. Mary defines self-compassion as “honouring feelings” (114) after reflecting that compassion is “being with someone as they’re having a hard time” (113–114). With this definition, her Aware voice is heard; it is a voice of insight, making connections, and consciousness. There is an underlying tone of acceptance with this voice as it knows the past and will say things like, “I realized.” She clarifies that this honouring of feelings can happen with both positive and difficult feelings, but that we are in more need of compassion when there are emotional struggles. The word “gentleness” (120) comes to her mind when she thinks of self-compassion as she has learned to turn her Critical voice into kind words. Her Critical voice is a critical inner-mom voice that says things like, “‘You’re fat,’ or ‘That’s dumb,’ or ‘Why did you do that? That’s stupid.’” (123–124); although her kind voice will say words like, “‘Be kind,’ or ‘Be gentle’” (125–126). When she reframes these automatic responses to herself, her Purposeful voice is heard. It is an effortful, proactive voice that leads to intentional doing and empowerment. It is a voice that recognizes that she has choices and often expresses her conscientiousness and perseverance. It is a voice of self and of being. As she discusses this self-compassionate change in how she responds to herself, her Authentic voice is heard. This voice is heard when she expresses honesty in the moment and owns things. It is the voice of a woman who is confident in who she is and is able to show up with vulnerability and courage. Mary’s Aware, Authentic, and Purposeful voices weave in and out in a harmonic counterpoint as she explains that being compassionate to herself is something that is a life-long 112 learning process for her because she was not taught self-compassion as a child. Her Purposeful voice takes over the melody as she explains that part of caring for herself is taking time for herself to do things like, “journaling, yoga, and meditation” (133). For Mary, there is both an emotional response with being gentle and honouring her feelings, as well as with practicing selfcare with her approach to self-compassion. As Mary talks about how she developed self-compassion in response to becoming a mother, her Aware, Authentic, and Purposeful voices provide a rich, resonant harmony that is momentarily joined by her Critical voice: I parent very different than I was parented. Um-, I was incredibly thoughtful about how I parented because there was much of my childhood that I was not happy with. Um-, so I had to be very, very conscious-, or I was very conscious of what I was doing as I was parenting. So, it didn't really matter what activity that I was doing, um, I would examine it and say, “Does this feel good and right? Or does this feel bad?” And, “How was I raised?” So, that was sort of like the baseline and “How do I want to do it?” (139 –145) These voices seem to form a well-practiced and familiar chorus as she continues explaining how she has chosen parenting practices that are emotionally congruent with herself: Some of the things I did the same, you know? Because it made sense and . . . it fit well with me emotionally, but some of it was not-, some-, a lot of it did not. So, I did it differently. (148–150) Her Critical voice joins her Aware and Authentic voices as she recounts that her mother was “self-denying and I could even as a child [see] how damaging that was to her and I could see how damaging it was to us because she was self-denying” (153–154). Her Purposeful voice replaces her Critical voice as she talks about how she has changed her approach to parenting 113 stating, “I had to be a very conscious parent” (156–157). During her second pregnancy, the stakes were high as she separated from her husband and had “all of the risk factors for postpartum depression” (158). Mary’s Purposeful voice is heard explaining that she went to a counsellor to make sure she would have the emotional support she needed immediately after her son was born. Her Aware and Authentic voices are heard in a duo as she recounts how she explained to her counsellor, “This is me. I’m stressed. Like (laugh) I’m stressed, my life is falling apart, but I’m okay” (161). Her Aware voice is heard alone as she explains that if she had stayed with her exhusband, she probably would have adopted the same self-denying patterns her mom had. Mary’s Aware and Authentic voices form a duet until her Purposeful voice joins the refrain as she states that, “I knew because my whole world had just fallen apart that I needed to take care of myself” (170). Her ability to be insightful and vulnerable enough to recognize and name her weaknesses propels her towards a proactive and empowered response to herself. She articulates that attending counselling helped her learn to mother herself and not just her children. Her Aware voice is heard as the underlying force of this tune, although her Authentic and Purposeful voices contribute their resonance in parts: Because my children were so small it was like, “Okay, how do I treat my children?” And I treat them gently and kindly and with love and compassion and I'm sweet with them, so I also need to be doing that with myself. (174 –177) She continues talking about the unique challenges of balancing her own and her children’s needs when they were young and she was single-parenting during an emotionally difficult time: 114 Some people said, (sigh) who'd been in similar situations and they're like, “Oh I never cry in front of my kids.” And I'm like, “I can't not cry in front of my kids. Like, things are so shitty that I can't not cry.” (181–183) . . . I started um having like, explosive anger. Um, and-, and I would-, like-, like yell at them because they made a mess, you know like shrieky yelling at them. And I think that happened once or twice and I was like, “Mm, I need to go back to counselling. (laughs) This is not okay.” (193–196) Mary’s Awareness and Authentic voices calmly blend in a rich euphonious chorus that creates an orchestration for her Purposeful voice to join like the featured instrument in a concerto. Her Purposeful voice is the culmination of her Aware and Authentic voices bringing her to a place where she is able to enact change in her life. This approach to caring for herself as a single mom with young children also helped her when she had breast cancer in the past year: There was stuff that I just could not do. And I also realized that my boundaries were not very good. Like, I was very giving-, very giving to everybody else but it's like, “’Kay, I think this might be killing me, so (laughs) I need to give to myself.” So I've gotten really much better at boundaries and making sure that I have time for myself. (200–204) She will set boundaries now with her children that allow her to care for herself too. For example, Mary said she will get up at 6:00 a.m. with her boys and make them food and take care of them, but they cannot talk to her until 8:00 a.m. “because that’s just not okay for me” (207). She also gives an example of not giving herself food treats and explains the thought process as, “‘Would I let my children do this?’ And then it's like, ‘No.’ Then it's like, ‘Okay . . . why would I think this is okay for myself?’” (216–217). 115 As we focus more specifically on how having a twice-exceptional child has influenced her journey with self-compassion, Mary shares how she “faced an incredible amount of judgment about his behaviour” (226–227). The Critical voice of others is heard in this I-Poem: You should just hit him You should just spank him You should give him a time out You should do this You should do that You should You should, should, should, should (227–229) She responds to all of the should and judgments about her parenting by examining what she was doing and why she was doing it. Her Authentic, Aware, and Purposeful voices form a harmonious trio as she asserts, “No. This is my life and I’m doing this the way that I think is best” (235–236). She gives an example of when her sons were young, and her Purposeful voice is heard as she explains how she chose to do things differently, even though her mom’s Critical voice was heard protesting her parenting approach: We'd have breakfast together, we would have lunch together, at the table. Um-, but for supper, I used to buy, like, meat and vegetables and fruit and then I would cut it up into small pieces and I would sit on a chair and I would have a book in one hand and it would be passed, and I would just shove food in them. (laugh) Because for me, reading is selfcare, um-, you know? It's an escape. And I do think that we sat together for supper, unless we were-, you know had people over, probably until-, probably until they were about 3 and 4. (424–429) 116 Although she continually resisted her mom’s Critical voice, there were key people, such as Thomas’s principal and teachers, and Mary’s counsellor, whom she trusted to reinforce that she was doing a great job. She used these supportive external voices to bolster her self-talk to reassure herself, “No, I’m doing a good job. I’m doing it the right way. This is what I need to be doing, and-, and I’m doing it well.” (416–418) The way Mary was parented caused her to place extra pressure on herself to be a perfect mother. The process of shifting away from this took a lot of reading, talking, learning, and doing. In the end, her Awareness helped her realize that her children would love her even if she made mistakes and was not perfect. This Purposeful process that took many years is condensed in this I-Poem: I’d had such terrible parenting I really felt I had to I had to be the perfect mother I think reading I think reading I think I just have to be I think I learned I was going I did I’m their mother and they will always love me (237 –265) 117 Mary highlights that this change process was supported by key revelations along the way: I read something somewhere that said-, and it was in particular with boys but I think it would apply to children in general. If you are an abusive mother, you're going to mess up your kids and they're going to have to go to counselling. Or, if you're an absent mother, you're going to mess up your kids and you're-, they're going to have to go to counselling. Or, if you're a perfect mother, you're also going to mess up your kids and they're going to have to go to counselling because no one in their lives will ever measure up to you. And I'm like-, I'm just kind of like, “Ah, Thank God! It doesn't matter what I do, they're going to be messed up and have to go to counselling and it doesn't matter if I'm terrible or awesome, they're going to be messed up anyways.” (laugh) And it really-, it really makes me kind of feel like, “Ahhh. Okay. I'm off the hook.” (245 –254) She recounts that her relationship with her children was probably her first example of unconditional love. Her Awareness and Authentic voices are heard resonating in unison and are joined by her Purposeful voice as she makes the empowered choice to love herself and be selfcompassionate: I think that was probably my first example of unconditional love, was the love of my children had for me. Which was-, you know-, I mean that's pretty powerful. And when you see someone else loving you like that it's like, “Oh, well-, I can-, I guess I could love myself like that.” I should have been loved like that. (266–270) Mary finds that friends, and even Thomas, help her be self-compassionate by reminding her to embrace kindness for herself. “Often it's my son, you know, sometimes it's friends, you know and then when I hear that, ‘You're doing a shitty job’ voice in my head, then I'm like, ‘No. Be kind.’” (289–291). Again, her Awareness and Authenticity voices provide the orchestral 118 backdrop for her Purposeful voice’s melody of empowerment and change to be heard on top of. It is a voice that repeatedly resonates with action and that is intentionally fueled by her ability to make connections and to know her past, as well as to know her vulnerability and courage. Mary shares how she recently created a photographic series of self-portraits as a way of facing her own mortality after her cancer diagnosis and chronicling her personal development. She tells how the inspiration for one came to her while Thomas was leaning against her during one of his panic attacks: Do you know the statue by Michaelangelo um, Pieta? It's the virgin holding Jesus. So that vision kind of came into my head and so while he was in the middle of this panic attack I was like, “Hey Thomas. Can we do this picture?” And he's like, “Yeah, sure mom.” (312–315). She explains, “Pieta means pity, but more accurately, it’s compassion. . . . Compassion actually means to suffer with and the way this picture is of me and Thomas . . . it’s very powerful” (316– 320). Her Aware voice speaks as she tells me that creating this series has helped her to separate herself from different stages of development and to also have compassion for herself in those stages in a way that integrates who she was in the past and who she is now. Mary notes that taking care of herself with good nutrition, with sleep, and with enough rest allows her to be self-compassionate. She reflects that being divorced and having her sons go to their dad’s gives her the time and space to do this. Her Aware voice is heard as she voices this realization she has; it is accompanied by her Purposeful voice that is part of intentionally making use of this opportunity: I had time away from my children and I had time to take good care of myself. Um-, a lot of times I did work-, and I worked really hard during those times, but sometimes I was 119 just like, “I just need to just be.”. . . Having that time was really important. Um-, and then-, but I think because of that-, I've also learned that if I'm stressed out and if I'm not being kind of myself, that I just need to just stop. Like for example, this weekend I blocked out on my calendar and I was like, “I'm not making any plans.” And, yeah. Because that's what I need to do for myself. You know for some people it might be different, but for me, I need to have alone time . . . So I've learned over the years, especially in the last while that if I don't take care of myself, it's bad for everybody. (346– 357) Mary reflects that having a twice-exceptional child has positively and negatively influenced being self-compassionate. Her Aware voice explains that Thomas’s emotional needs mean she needs to monitor, be proactive, and help him, which is exhausting. Her Aware, Authentic, and Purposeful voices form a trio as she states, “I have to be compassionate for him, which teaches me, teaches me how to be compassionate to myself” (389–399). She says that she thinks a lot through the eyes of her children, “Would I talk to my children like this? No? Then why would I talk to myself like this?” (416–418). Her Aware, Authentic, and Purposeful voices interweave and explain that she cuts herself some slack with things like laundry and cleaning. “I've never folded my children's clothes. I have boxes for them, that like Ikea stuff. Pants and shirts. I'm full-, I'm not wasting my time doing that” (440–443). She realizes her limitations and chooses her battles strategically with the Awareness that having a twice-exceptional child means that she carries a greater burden that is invisible to many others. Her Aware and Critical voices resonate as they state: 120 People don't understand twice-exceptional kids. They just-, they just don't. Unless they've actually studied it, or if they're an educator, or if they have a twice-exceptional child themselves they just don't get it. And so there's a ton of external judgment. (453–455) Her Authentic voice replaces her Critical voice in a continued duet with her Aware voice as she illuminates, “I think it's really, really important to be kind of yourself. And it's really important to surround yourself with people who will honest but kind” (456–457). She acknowledges that her son’s dad has been “incredibly supportive of my parenting” (464–465). Her Authentic voice ends the interview acknowledging how far she and Thomas have come but that her mother heart of compassion will always hold concern for him. “I don’t worry about him too much. A little bit. But not too much” (497). In her follow-up interview, Mary’s response to her story is that it is a beautiful account that accurately reflects our interview. She is surprised and pleased that it is lyrical and artistic, rather than academic and clinical. She feels that this process has allowed her to reflect on how she has done well with parenting through some very difficult stages. She finds parenting easier now, possibly due to the developmental stage her sons are in now, combined with Thomas’s increased self-awareness and her stronger use of boundaries. She plans on printing out this story and putting it with the journals she has been keeping for 30 years. This document of her life at this moment is something that she feels is important to share with her sons in the future. Assertions About the Voices A total of 25 voices that address the research questions were heard across the seven participants (Appendix N: Voices and Descriptions). These voices can be combined into groups, or chords, of voices that sound alike and are used for similar purposes. These chords are Presence, Wise, and Demand voices (Appendix O: Groups of Voices). 121 Applying the voices to the research questions. The groups of self-compassionate voices heard in the narratives of these participants can be applied to the two research questions. The first question was: What are the voices of self-compassion in self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children? In the cross-participant analysis done by the primary researcher, the voices of self-compassion that emerged in this study were clustered into three groups, or chords: Presence, Wise, and Demand voices. These voices were heard across the interpretive analysis of all of the transcripts and each are discussed below. Additionally, the role of self-compassion as the mothers described it in their lives, which answers the second research question, is discussed. Presence voices. The Presence voices were collectively heard as the Self-Worth, Being, Honesty, Agency, Connection, Independence, Purposeful, and Authenticity voices (Appendix N: Voices and Voice Descriptions). These voices were grouped together because they were the voices of self, value, and being that not only allowed the parents to connect to themselves, but also to connect to others and to the world around them in a deep, empowered, and agentic way. Key markers of these voices were phrases such as, “I am,” “I do,” “I need,” and “I want.” Presence voices were heard in all of the participants’ stories and expressed their inner sense of self and their ability to engage in both a calm, gentle way, and also in a fierce, protective way. The Presence voices often emerged in relationship with others, and they were often heard in concert with the Wise voices of self-compassion. The Presence voices also conveyed a sense of truthfulness, authenticity, and vulnerability as they were firmly rooted in the core self of the participants. Analysis of the participants’ stories revealed two key circumstances during which their Presence voices emerged: in acknowledging their own emotional needs and in caring for their needs through acts of self-care. 122 First, in acknowledging their own emotional needs, Kyrah, Ruth, Celeste, and Mary highlighted how self-compassion was a learned, effortful, and active choice to respond to themselves with kindness during difficult times. For Mary it was honouring the hard feelings and treating herself with gentleness, whereas for Celeste it was the choice to recognize her own needs and to assign value and importance to meeting them. For several participants, growth in the area of choosing self-compassion was facilitated by relationships. For Celeste it was a psychologist who pushed her to acknowledge when things were hard instead of accepting at facevalue Celeste’s brave coping face. In Amber’s case, it was in witnessing the inconsistencies between how patiently and kindly she cared for her daughter, but not herself. Similarly, Mary spoke of how she saw the world through her children’s eyes and sometimes that helped her adopt a voice of kindness towards herself, which she described as a way of mothering herself. Second, acts of self-care were noted by virtually all parent participants as a tangible means by which they physically enacted self-compassion; it was practiced in a myriad of ways. Celeste noted self-care was highly personal, requiring a fair amount of self-knowledge to engage activities that would work for her. She has found that traveling is a large component of her selfcare. For others, it was self-care via physical nurturance in the form of manicures and massages (Kyrah and Cheryl); tending to autonomy needs by pursing personal hobbies or seeing a counsellor (Robin and Mary); caring for physical needs for movement, play, and exercise (Kyrah and Cheryl); or making time for creativity and self-expression via artistic or musical pursuits (Amber, Cheryl, Mary, and Ruth). Kyrah and Amber highlighted time in nature was key to their self-care. All of the participants found that spending time with friends and others was necessary and helped them feel not alone. Kyrah, Ruth, Mary, and Celeste shared that these friendships were especially rich and rewarding when they were related to parenting twice-exceptional 123 children or self-compassion. It is worth noting that the participants who had times of respite apart from their children found this to be closely tied to their capacity to be self-compassionate. For some (Kyrah and Mary), a family structure with two households was a brief but meaningful time of reprieve from the parenting role. For Robin, it was a weekly day trip to the city without her kids, and Celeste travels without her son. These times apart from the children seemed to help the parents in this study recharge themselves and remain in touch with their inner sense of self. Their Presence voices were strong when they told of what they would do during their child-free time and how important it was for them personally. Finally, beyond self-care activities, the parent participants noted that foundational to being compassionate to themselves was caring for their basic needs (e.g., getting enough sleep, eating healthy) and being free of significant financial pressures. There was almost a fierceness to how the participants engaged their sense of self to carve out enough time and energy in their very full lives to care for themselves. Despite self-care being an essential component of selfcompassion for the participants, several noted self-compassion is much more to them than just self-care. Wise voices. The Wise voices were collectively heard as the Acceptance, Aware, Knowing, Not-Knowing, Informed, Rationalizing, Learning, and Understanding in the analysis of the interview transcripts (Appendix N: Voices and Voice Descriptions). These voices were grouped together because they were voices that used cognitive engagement through learning, making connections, and being open to change to arrive at a place of awareness and acceptance. Key markers of the Wise voices were phrases such as “I understand,” “I know,” “I’m okay,” and “I realize.” The Wise voices helped participants work through situations in their lives in a more critical, systematic, and illuminated way, that gave them an emotional distance from their 124 problems that made it easier for them to be self-compassionate. Being able to learn new things and to think things through from different perspectives also helped the parent participants in this study turn compassionately toward themselves. The Wise voices were used by the participants to engage in problem-solving and to remain mindful despite difficulties. For many participants, the Wise voices that called for more thoughtful reflection about good/bad, right/wrong parenting practices and decisions were inspired by learnings that had emerged, and were continuing to emerge, from realizations about their own growing up experiences. For most (Kyrah, Amber, Robin, Ruth, Celeste, and Mary), disappointments, misunderstandings and hurts in their own child-parent relationships had become powerful motivators to take a more self-compassionate approach to their own parenting. In Robin’s story, we learned how coming to understand her childhood of being misunderstood through a transactional lens (behaviours are both nature and nurture) has helped her adopt self-compassion as a practical means to her own parenting. For Mary, it was found in accepting there were parts of her upbringing that she wanted to keep and others that she wanted to do very differently. These Wise realizations helped the participants turn towards themselves with kindness and care in not only acknowledging the pain from the past, but also in recognizing the added difficulties they faced with having to explore new futures for themselves. For others, the Wise voices were heard as emerging from the wisdom and discernment that comes with accumulating parenting experience. Some participants (Kyrah, Amber, and Cheryl) shared how extending compassion to themselves was facilitated by occasionally glancing backward to compare how they used to respond to themselves with how they do now. Giving witness to the changes allowed them to celebrate their progress, rather than to just focus 125 on how far they felt they still had to go. For these parents, self-compassion seemed to beget more self-compassion. A commitment to learning and informing themselves was also evident in the chorus of Wise voices heard in this study. Many parent participants sought out knowledge on parenting and child development from books (Amber, Robin, and Cheryl), some attended conferences and took courses (Robin and Cheryl), likewise others benefited from social learning communities (Ruth, Robin, and Amber), educators’ encouragement (Cheryl and Mary), and counsellor support (Ruth, Cheryl, and Celeste). All parent participants noted a connection between how keeping themselves grounded in knowledge helped to attenuate unhelpful misperceptions, to ease selfdoubts, and to make room for self-compassion. Finally, the Wise voices lead to a mindful awareness and acceptance; instead of fighting or labeling what was happening as good or bad, participants just acknowledged its existence. For some, Mindful voices took the form of choosing one’s battles (Ruth), expecting to make mistakes as parents and to be willing to learn from them (Cheryl, Ruth, and Celeste), or mindfully recognizing when voices of judgement were rising up and adopting mindful acceptance of the differences in all the families around her (Kyrah). In three participant’s stories, the Mindful voices were aided by practical strategies. For one, it was journaling to maintain a mindful perspective (Ruth), for another it was a phone app which gave reminders to stay present and to breathe throughout when feeling overwhelmed (Amber), although for another it was drawing inspiration from her child’s innate ability to live in the moment (Celeste). Overall, the Wise voices in the data seemed to enable the parent participants to be mindful or to remain connected with themselves and their children, even when things were chaotic or difficult. 126 Demand voices. The Demand voices were heard as the Expectations, Obligation, Dismissing, Perfectionism, and Critical voices during analysis (Appendix N: Voices and Voice Descriptions). The Demand voices were found to be related to the burden of parenting twiceexceptional children as they were heard as an inversion of self-compassion; Demand voices were the self-compassion flipped upside down. These voices were grouped together as they all expressed the self- and other-imposed demands that these women carried and felt pressured to achieve. Key markers for these voices were phrases such as “I need to,” “I have to,” “I should,” “I’m dumb,” and “I can’t.” The Demand voices dismissed their own needs and value by driving the women to achieve, to be perfect, and to control themselves, their children, and their environments. The voices often expressed comparisons, guilt, insecurities, and criticism. Two key themes within the Demand voices were noted in the analysis: the parents realized that their own Demand voices were unfair and unsustainable, and self-compassion helped them cope with others’ Demand voices. All of the parents shared about having come to recognize self-generated Demand voices as unfair and unsustainable in light of the extra burdens and pressures that came with parenting a twice-exceptional child. For some, it almost seemed as though parenting a twice-exceptional child was initially an invisible burden to themselves, that self-compassion was intertwined with their capacity to unhook themselves from these self-imposed expectations, and that selfcompassion was critical in weathering the explicit and implicit judgements and misunderstandings of family and friends. Most of the participants (Amber, Robin, Ruth, Cheryl, and Celeste) touched on using self-compassion to accept their imperfections, to not be selfcritical, and to forgive themselves. Others (Amber and Mary) described the discrepancy between how they responded to their children with patience and understanding when they faced 127 difficulties with how they demanded perfection of themselves as a catalyst for responding more self-compassionately to their own struggles. All of the participants were aware of the additional burden their children’s unique needs added to their lives and that they needed to be realistic about what they expected from themselves. It seemed evident in some participants’ stories (Kyrah, Ruth, Mary, and Cheryl) that the chorus of Demand voices heard in the analysis had origins in the present-day voices of these participants’ extended family members (e.g., grandparents), who were sometimes critical of their parenting approaches (e.g., advising the participants their children needed more or different discipline). Cheryl and Mary had similar experiences with close friends. In these cases, voices of self-compassion appeared to be one method by which participants found the strength and courage to create and maintain boundaries around their chosen parenting approach and around their children. With the exception of a few cases, most of the participants described families of origin as having child-rearing practices that they found unhelpful, and, in some cases, detrimental, to their efforts to self-compassionately parent their twice-exceptional children. Indeed, the emergence of the Demand voices often coincided with these participant’s recollections of how they were parented. Some participants spoke of having mothers who seemed to equate good mothering with self-sacrifice (Kyrah, Ruth, and Mary), with Ruth noting her mom viewed self-compassion as being selfish. For other participants (Amber, Celeste, and Mary), the theme of needing to intentionally craft a parenting approach different from the one they observed growing up was heard. In Amber’s story the strategy was all book-learning, whereas for Mary it was purposefully examining her own upbringing to only keep the parts that felt congruent to her. For 128 all of the parents, it seemed that their practices of self-compassion were means by which they were attempting to both unlearn and adopt new child-rearing practices for their own children. Overall, when Demand voices were heard in these participants’ stories, they brought clear and undeniable dissonance to the voices of self-compassion. In some instances, the dissonance of the Demand voices was in counterpoint with the voices of self-compassion, drowning these out. More often, the Demand voices were recognized by participants as something to push against in order to re-engage their practice of turning towards themselves with kindness and care in their moments of suffering. Role of self-compassion. The second research question was: How do parents of twiceexceptional children describe the role of self-compassion in their lives? The various roles of self-compassion in these parents’ voices were perceived primarily through listening to the selfcompassionate voices, and included weathering challenges, remaining mindful despite difficulties, wiser problem-solving, and nurturing encouraging relationships (Appendix P: Themes and Voices). The parents described the role of self-compassion as something that was foundationally essential to how they weathered the stresses, set-backs, and unknowns of parenting their twiceexceptional children. There were three main ways parents weathered challenges; they (a) acknowledged their own emotional needs, (b) cared for their own needs through acts of self-care, and (c) recognized their self-generated Demand voices as being unfair and unsustainable. Acknowledging their own emotional needs was often evident when the parent participants spoke with their Presence voices (i.e., Being, Agency, Self-Worth, Honesty, Connection, Independence, Authenticity, and Purposeful); they vocalized their worthiness and internal sense of being in order to turn towards themselves with kindness and care in difficult times. This was 129 something that they proactively chose to do in a purposeful and disciplined way as it often was countercultural to their upbringing. Additionally, self-compassion was expressed through practical self-care activities that the parents found to be recharging and helpful in feeling fulfilled and empowered in their lives. Their Presence voices were heard as they spoke about creating time for themselves to do activities and to take breaks that helped them feel rejuvenated and restored. Finally, their Demand and Presence voices were heard in counterpoint recognizing that their own Demand voices were not something that they wanted to endure. Often the parents used how they responded to their children’s struggles with compassion as an inspiration for how they would prefer to respond to themselves during their own moments of difficulty and suffering. Again, this was an active choice that the parents made to change how they related to themselves when things were difficult; they wanted to be fair to themselves and to live in a way that was sustainable in order to take better care of themselves and of their children. The parents also used self-compassion to remain mindful despite difficulties. This involved using their Wise voices (i.e., Understanding, Informed, Learning, Rationalizing, Aware, Acceptance, Not-Knowing, Knowing, and Purposeful) to embrace mindful awareness and acceptance of their situation. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by their problems, they were able to step-back, to pause, and to reflect. The participants shared how helpful it was to be mindful in difficult times without becoming overly identified with difficulties or becoming emotionally over-reactive to the challenging situations they faced. Being mindful helped the participants create emotional distance to remain present in challenging times and to just notice things without labelling them as good or bad. Stepping back helped them engage their Wise voices to problem-solve. 130 The analysis revealed the role of self-compassion in wiser problem-solving assisted parents in critically examining, with the benefit of their accumulated knowledge and life experience, how to strategically wrestle with challenges they encountered in parenting a twiceexceptional child. Their wiser problem-solving helped them to reflect on parenting and to commit to learning and to being informed. Due in part to their mindful awareness and their acceptance of difficulties, they were able to learn from their mistakes rather than interpreting their mistakes as personal shortcomings. Their Wise voices were heard when they passionately talked about how they had to continually learn and be informed in order to care for and to advocate for their children’s complex needs. They recognized that one of the areas they needed to do more for their children was being knowledgeable and proactive about seeking information when they faced new challenges. Finally, the theme of nurturing encouraging relationships was found as parents cared for their own needs through acts of self-care and addressed the Demand voices of others. Similar to the self-care activities noted above when parents weathered challenges, there was also a relational aspect to self-care that the parents practiced. They found that having supportive and understanding relationships was a significant part of their parenting journeys. These relationships were with their children, partners, family, friends, and professionals. The role of self-compassion here seemed to be in helping parent participants make contact with muchneeded encouragement and validation. When these relationships took on a judgmental and critical nature, the role of self-compassion became one of supporting the parents to push against these outside voices and to find their own internal Presence voice to attenuate the Demand voices (i.e., Dismissing, Critical, Expectations, Obligation, and Perfectionism). With much 131 determination and practice, the parents learned how to engage their Presence and Wise voices to address the Demand voices of others. 132 Chapter 5: Discussion This study sought to understand the voices of self-compassion in self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children, and to understand how these parents described the role of self-compassion in their lives. This discussion relates the findings reported in the previous chapter to the relevant literature on self-compassion, stress and coping, and parenting twiceexceptional children. It begins with a review of the rationale for the study and is followed by contributions the study offers the literature. Theoretical and counselling contributions are considered next, and the chapter concludes with a discussion of the limitations of the study and potential future directions for research in this area. Summary of the Research Problem The aim of this research was to listen explicitly to and provide rich descriptions of the voices of self-compassion contained in the stories of self-compassionate parents. Given the voices of these parents are often unattended to socially and empirically, and considering that these parents experience significant parental burden and stress, the goal was to generate understandings that would expand our knowledge of the role of self-compassion in the lives of these parents. Further, given one of the most potent factors promoting resilience in twiceexceptional children is the support of their families (Dole, 2000), it was hoped that understanding the self-compassionate processes from a parent’s perspective would (a) foster awareness and bring visibility to their experience, and (b) help shape and inform simple and effective ways to support and care for these twice-exceptional families. Toward this end, the study was guided by two overarching research questions: What are the voices of self-compassion in selfcompassionate parents of twice-exceptional children? And, how do parents of twice-exceptional children describe the role of self-compassion in their lives? 133 Summary of the Findings This listening guide analysis of self-compassionate parents of twice exceptional children revealed groupings of Presence, Wise, and Demand voices. The Presence and Wise voices consisted of many different voices of self-compassion, and the Demand voices formed a dissonant, non-self-compassionate counterpoint with them. First, the Presence voices (i.e., Self-Worth, Being, Honesty, Agency, Connection, Independence, Purposeful, and Authenticity) were heard in all of the participants interviews when they were connected with their own needs; they were voices that spoke to their core sense of self and their worthiness of being compassionately cared for. These voices were often heard as a way to nurture encouraging relationships in the participants’ lives, and they often spoke in concert with the Wise voices (see below). The Presence voices emerged in two key circumstances: in acknowledging their own emotional needs, and in caring for their needs through acts of self-care. For these parent participants, the Presence voices helped them weather challenges that came with raising their twice-exceptional child. Second, the Wise voices (i.e., Understanding, Informed, Learning, Rationalizing, Aware, Acceptance, Not-Knowing, Knowing, and Purposeful) helped the participants in this study turn compassionately towards themselves and remain mindful despite difficulties. By using their Wise voices, they engaged with parenting challenges in a more systematic and criticallyinformed way that helped them have a larger perspective that brought a greater awareness; they were able to exercise wiser problem-solving. The analysis illuminated three significant patterns with the Wise voices: they were used to reflect on parenting, they communicated a commitment to learning and being informed, and they led to greater awareness and acceptance. 134 Finally, the Demand voices (i.e., Dismissing, Critical, Expectations, Obligation, and Perfectionism) were related to the burdens that accompanied parenting a twice-exceptional child and were an inversion of self-compassion. They reflected the critical voices of others, as well as the internal voices of perfectionism that the participants faced in their parenting practices. Two underlying themes emerged from within the Demand voices: an awareness that the self-generated Demand voices were unfair and unsustainable in the light of the extra burdens and pressures the parents faced, and the other self-compassionate voices were a means for addressing the Demand voices of others. These voices illuminated the need for self-compassion to help weather challenges and nurture encouraging relationships. Contributions to Literature This study contributes literature in the area of self-compassionate parents who are raising twice-exceptional children. Self-compassion had previously been shown to be a powerful factor in coping and resilience in a wide range of populations, including parents of children with disabilities (Bazzano et al., 2013; Benn et al., 2012; Neff, 2011; Neff & Faso, 2014; Robinson et al., 2018; Wong et al., 2016), but had not previously been studied with parents of twiceexceptional children. This study illuminated some similarities and differences in the role of selfcompassion previously identified for parents of children with disabilities, and the parents of twice-exceptional children in this study. Two areas of similarity were noticed—emotional regulation and elements of positive well-being. Firstly, both populations note self-compassion to be a means by which they regulate their emotions and respond more adaptively to parenting challenges. Similar to Neff’s (2011) finding that parents who used self-compassion to calm their emotions were more available to support their child’s emotional regulation, the Wise voices heard in this study were a means by which 135 parents remained aware and accepting of difficulties, which permitted more calm, connected, and attuned parenting. The link between the parents’ self-compassion and emotional regulation was also heard in the Presence voices of this study as participants spoke of having learned through practices of self-compassion the importance of tuning into and meeting their emotional needs as an essential step in adaptively responding to challenges. Additionally, Neff and Faso (2014) found that parents of children with autism spectrum disorder who were higher in self-compassion reported increased life satisfaction, more functional relationships with their child, and better outcomes. They also found self-compassion was a better predictor of parental well-being than other commonly used predictors of parental wellbeing. Although the present study did not measure well-being or stress over time, nor specifically ask parents about them, the voices of parents were clear in expressing that their use of self-compassion helps them to become more resilient and to take better care of themselves in the face of stresses encountered on their parenting journeys. Parents in this study used their Presence voices to care for their own needs through acts of self-care, and they spoke of how this was a positive addition to their lives. As noted above, the findings of this study also highlight some learnings that are potentially distinct from what has previously been noted for self-compassionate parents of children with disabilities. Given the design of this study, it is not possible to assert this distinctiveness as being true for all parents of twice-exceptional children, or that they might not hold up as true for parents of children with disabilities, but only that these findings are unlike others noted to date in the literature. Themes that emerged were: (a) the ability to effectively adapt self-compassion to a wide range of situations, (b) the resourcefulness and creative talents 136 of the parent participants, and (c) the significant but subtle differences that accompany a twiceexceptional diagnosis. It was clear the self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children in this study had a resourcefulness and creativity that was not captured by the literature about self-compassionate parents of children with disabilities. These mothers are agentic, self-informed, and able to step back and to critically examine situations. They are bright, resourceful, capable, and intelligent; however, the additional demands of raising a twice-exceptional child have led them to realize that they need more support with parenting their child. This resourcefulness and creativity may also be related to the fact that six out of seven of the parents who participated in this study are professional artists; this may contribute to the common theme of creativity that runs through their stories of how they care for themselves and experience rejuvenation. Finally, there appear to be challenges in the diagnostic process unique to parents of twice-exceptional children that are unlike those captured in the literature about parents of children with disabilities. The difficulty that comes with diagnosing and teasing apart competing neurological differences can easily be missed by professionals. Several of the participants were still engaged in the diagnostic process with their children after years of advocating for a label that might unlock educational understanding and social resources. Once the child has a label, the delicate dance of twice-exceptional diagnoses seems to shift to advocating for others to see the child beyond his or her diagnosis. These parents of twice-exceptional children seem to exist in a different margin than parents of children with other disabilities as arriving at a diagnosis is challenging and does not lead to the same consequential impact that a single diagnosis does. This may be an added part of the burden that parents of twice-exceptional children carry. Contributions to Theory 137 This study makes some theoretical contributions to the areas of stress and coping and self-compassion literature. In some key ways, the results of this study align with the literature on transactional stress and coping, positive cognitive restructuring, proactive coping, and families of children with disabilities. Additionally, how these results align with the yin and yang of selfcompassion (Neff, 2018), and the range of situations self-compassion is used in will be discussed. Stress and coping. Given the literature demonstrating self-compassion to be an aspect of positive coping for parents of children with disabilities (Bazzano et al., 2013; Benn et al., 2012; Neff, 2011; Neff & Faso, 2014; Robinson et al., 2018; Wong et al., 2016), it was not surprising that the parents in this study also spoke of self-compassion as a practice that aided their ability to weather the unexpected challenges and set-backs in parenting their twice-exceptional children. This offers support for Perry’s (2004) model that parents of children with disabilities can experience positive personal growth despite encountering significant stress in their lives. What this study further revealed was that when these self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children encountered a stressor, they spoke often of learning how to engage in a transactional exchange between their self-compassionate selves and their environment in an attempt to cope, and yearning to do this more often. For many of the parents in this study, bringing a selfcompassionate self to the transaction with the environment was often understood to be sufficient to counter-balance some of the stress they experienced. This aligns with Lazarus and Folkman’s (1987) transactional model of stress and coping in which they proposed that stress results from an imbalance between demands and resources and that coping can include emotion-focused strategies, such as using self-compassion. 138 In a review of the literature on stress and coping and self-compassion, Allen and Leary (2010) found that self-compassion was similar to Skinner and colleagues’ (2003) positive cognitive restructuring approach to coping. Allen and Leary (2010) saw self-compassion as a proactive way for people to take care of themselves before problems arose. A theme that emerged in this study was that self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children used self-compassion as a wiser approach to problem-solving. This involves engaging their Wise voices to reflect on parenting, and on their commitment to learning and being informed. Thus, these parents’ use of self-compassion as emotion-focused coping includes positive cognitive restructuring—changing one’s view of a stressful situation to see it in a more positive way (Skinner et al., 2003; Stanton et al., 2002). It seemed to be the case that practices of selfcompassion helped these parents of twice-exceptional children to appraise stressors as less threatening and negative by transforming judgments into a more positive accepting state that is often coupled with a reflective desire to learn from the situation and to do things differently in the future. Self-compassion. Considering that self-compassion has been shown to be a valuable and positive coping resource and powerful factor in coping and resilience (Allen & Leary, 2013; Barnard & Curry, 2012; Breines et al., 2014; Diedrich et al., 2014; Eller et al., 2014; Friis et al., 2015; Pinto-Gouveia et al., 2014; Wren et al., 2012; Zeller et al., 2015), it makes sense that the parents of twice-exceptional children also identify it as a way to become more resilient and to care for themselves when facing stressors. The parents in this study described using selfcompassion as a way to care for themselves and their children in a wide array of situations, from mundane events to life-threatening traumas. 139 Neff’s (2003a; 2018) conceptualization of self-compassion has three core components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Although this is supported in various ways by this study, two key findings emerged. First is that similar to Neff’s (2003a; 2018) mindfulness during times of suffering, parents of twice-exceptional children used selfcompassion to remain mindful despite difficulties. It seemed true that these parents found this aspect of self-compassion helped them maintain a moment-to-moment awareness of what was happening to and around themselves with an open-hearted acceptance. Additionally, nurturing encouraging relationships is reflective of Neff’s (2003a) common humanity component of selfcompassion. The parents in this study spoke of how connected relationships with friends, family, professionals, and even their own children helped them feel seen and understood, which made room for them to engage their self-compassionate voices when life was difficult. One final theoretical contribution to self-compassion is how the way with which selfcompassion is used by parents of twice-exceptional children ranged from gentle to fierce. Neff’s (2018) most recent writings highlight the “yin and yang” of self-compassion with the yin being loving, connected presence, and the yang being fierce, empowered truth. Both of these sides of self-compassion are part of how the parents use self-compassion in their daily lives—to hold themselves with love by validating, soothing and comforting their pain, while also acting in the world to protect themselves, to provide what they need, and to motivate change to reach their full potential. Clinical Implications Even though this is not a clinical study, some clinically relevant findings can be identified in the results in relation to existing literature and theory that clinicians can use to inform their work with parents of twice-exceptional children. The literature about parenting 140 twice-exceptional children focuses on problems they face in navigating the school system; however, this study highlighted that the need for support is much broader than that as the parents in this study used self-compassion to change the trajectory of their own and their children’s lives. The parents in this study were accomplished and capable women who turned to selfcompassion when the demands of parenting their twice-exceptional children were too much for them to continue to function at the level they were accustomed to. They persisted with it because it allowed them to care for and to support themselves so that they in turn were able to care for and to support their children with their complex needs. They realized the value of selfcompassion when they were able to meet the many challenges of their lives with a calmness, strength, kindness, and wisdom that they had not experienced before. When they were unable to meet their own basic needs (i.e., eating and sleeping enough), they found being selfcompassionate more difficult. Furthermore, responses from some friends and families that were heard as Demand voices sometimes interfered with their ability to be self-compassionate, especially when self-compassion was a new to them. However, as they became more accustomed to using their Presence and Wise voices, they were able to address these Demand voices with their compassionate voices. Some of the parent participants were happy to undertake adopting self-compassion as a self-help project; however, some of them benefitted from sharing the journey with others, some of who were professionals. Counsellors working with parents of twice-exceptional children may want to introduce self-compassion as an approach to life which can offer a purposeful, effective, and practical ways for parents to care for themselves. It may be helpful for counsellors to help parents identify their own and others’ Demand voices and then model how they can use their Presence and Wise voices to address them. By showing parents a new way to respond to 141 difficult situations, counsellors can give parents permission to acknowledge when things are difficult and to be kind to themselves. Counsellors should be aware that even though highlyfunctional parents of twice-exceptional children may present as “having it all together”, they should gently ask themselves whether they are hearing the parents’ Demand voices and adjust their approach accordingly. Although self-compassion helped these participants weather challenges by putting up with difficult situations and providing reminders to take care of themselves and pursue positive activities, the participants in this study described self-compassion as much more than just a coping tool. Overall, the participants in this study shared that self-compassion was a practical and essential part of their parenting journey as it allowed for their own personal growth not just despite of the extra challenges they faced, but possibly even because of the added burdens they carried. By introducing parents of twice-exceptional children to self-compassion, clinicians could allow them to turn what may typically have been viewed as a negative situation into an opportunity for deep, personal growth and for more calm, connected, and attuned parenting; this could be accomplished by helping them cultivate their Presence and Wise voices of selfcompassion and also helping them to identify and address the Demand voices in their lives. Introducing the concept of self-compassion for parents of twice-exceptional children could be done in individual or group counselling, and also workshop settings. Counsellors could help groups of parents learn to identify and to hear the Demand voices in their lives in order to honour them and to learn to respond to them with their Wise and Presence voices of selfcompassion. They could also help groups of parents of twice-exceptional children learn to use their Wise and Presence voices when they faced the challenges of parenting and supporting their children. One of the potential benefits of group or workshop settings would be that participants 142 could form relationships with other parents who were facing similar challenges that are often invisible to the outside world, something that several of the participants in this study highlighted as being very important to them. Limitations Limitations have been identified in the inclusion criteria and screening methods, as well as the similar demographic backgrounds of the participants. A limitation of this study’s design is that the twice-exceptional diagnoses of the children were based on parental reports. Most of the children had formal diagnoses for their areas of disability; however, only a few had formal gifted diagnoses. As a result, it may be that some of the children in the study would not meet a clinical threshold for giftedness. Although requiring documentation of giftedness and another disability would have ensured a more homogenous sample, the decision was made to accept parent reports of giftedness in light of known social and economic barriers associated with testing for giftedness (e.g., it is a low priority in the school system, the cost of private testing is often prohibitory), as well as research (e.g., Gardner, 1983) that suggests standardized testing for giftedness only captures one type of giftedness (intellectual), neglecting multiple forms of intelligence (e.g., musical-rhythmic, bodily-kinesthetic). In a similar way, the study’s design relied on participants self-identifying as being selfcompassionate. In an effort to ensure some common understanding of self-compassion was held by the participants in this study, they verbally completed Neff’s (2003a) Self-Compassion Scale with the researcher during the initial screening interview. Although requiring a minimum score on the Self-Compassion Scale (Neff, 2003a) may have yielded a more homogenous sample, it would not have aligned with the constructivist paradigm used for this study. After completing the Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form during the screening interviews, one potential 143 participant declined to participate in this study stating that she recognized that she was not selfcompassionate, thus demonstrating that this screening approach had merit. By engaging in conversation early on and throughout the research process about their approach to selfcompassion rather than relying on a quantitative score, the parents in this study were able to contribute their own unique views of self-compassion to the study that was evidenced by the considerable richness in the data. Additionally, seeing as self-compassion can be developed through purposeful practice (Germer, 2009; MacBeth & Gumley, 2012; Neff, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2017), allowing participant self-assessment of self-compassion, rather than researcher confirmation via a measure, permitted this study to capture a range of voices in terms of how parents were approaching and integrating self-compassion in their lives. A final consideration is that the purposive sampling resulted in most of study participants being Caucasian, middle-class women, thus it is important to acknowledge and consider the potential overlaps in their worldview due to a lack of gender, ethnic, and socio-economic diversity. Readers should apply these findings with caution when working with families who do not share the same characteristics as these participants. Additionally, all of the participants were mothers; consequently, the self-compassionate experiences and voices of fathers of twiceexceptional children is missing in this study. Therefore, care must be taken in applying these findings to fathers. Future Directions There are several directions for future studies that could build on the research of this study. Future research about self-compassion and parenting twice-exceptional children could adopt a longitudinal approach that relies on a series of interviews. Many of the participants mentioned in their follow-up interviews that they had experienced changes in how they used or 144 viewed self-compassion in the few months since their initial interview. Doing a study that examined the long-term effects on well-being, stress, and relationships that self-compassionate parents experienced, as well as the changes in how parents use self-compassion as their children mature and their needs change could be illuminating. It would be particularly interesting to pay attention to the parent-child relationships through an attunement or attachment lens. Additionally, it would also be interesting to study the father’s and children’s experiences and how they understand and use self-compassion in their own lives, as well as how parent partners use self-compassion together. Finally, seeing as it was unexpected that six out of seven of the participants were professional artists, it could be enlightening to explore the relationship between self-compassion and creativity. Building on this study, research could be done into the development of support groups, teaching materials, and workshops that train parents of twice-exceptional children to be selfcompassionate. There are existing programs and groups that integrate self-compassion and parenting (e.g., Mindfulness Awareness Parenting by Dr. Rebecca Coleman and SelfCompassionate Parenting by Dr. Burton Denmark); however, the unique contribution this study makes is the practical, relational, and emotional use of the language of voice. This approach to conceptualizing and hearing self-compassion in their lives could help parents to identify and to hear Wise, Presence, and Demand voices in their own lives and to engage their own selfcompassionate voices in a proactive way. Teaching parents using the idea of voices from the listening guide could help them develop simple and effective ways to become more resilient and to take better care of themselves both physically and emotionally. Conclusion 145 The research about parents of twice-exceptional children has demonstrated that they carry a significant burden that is often misunderstood and misconstrued (Foley Nicpon et al., 2011; Neumeister et al., 2013) and that their support is one of the most potent factors promoting resilience in twice-exceptional children (Dole, 2000). Simple but effective ways for parents of twice-exceptional children to care for themselves may benefit these families, especially considering their support needs are often missed given the complex needs of their children. Selfcompassion, turning towards oneself with kindness, sensitivity, and care when experiencing suffering (Germer, 2009; Neff, 2011), has been shown to be a powerful source of resilience for parents of children with other exceptionalities (Bazzano et al., 2013; Benn et al., 2012; Neff & Faso, 2014; Wong et al., 2016). Therefore, this study explored the voices self-compassion in self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children and how these parents describe the role of self-compassion in their lives. The key groups of voices to emerge are Presence, Wise, and Demand voices. The selfcompassionate Presence and Wise voices were heard when the participants were connected with their own needs and engaged challenges in systematic and critically-informed ways. The Presence voices were used by the participants to acknowledge their own emotional needs and to care for their needs through acts of self-care. The participants used their Wise voices to reflect on parenting and to commit to learning and being informed, which led to greater awareness and acceptance of challenges in their lives. The non-self-compassionate Demand voices were related to the burdens that accompanied parenting a twice-exceptional child. The self-compassionate voices led the parents to realize that their internal Demand voices were unfair and unsustainable in the light of the extra burdens and pressures they faced, and also created a means for addressing the Demand voices of others. The themes that emerged across the participants were that they 146 used self-compassion to (a) weather challenges, (b) remain mindful despite difficulties, (c) wisely solve problems, and (d) nurture encouraging relationships. Overall, these self-compassionate parents of twice-exceptional children conveyed that self-compassion was much more than just a coping tool for them. 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I am a masters of arts in counselling psychology student at Trinity Western University and I am looking for people to interview about their experience as a self-compassionate parent of a twice-exceptional child for my thesis project. I have a few screening questions to go through with you to see if this study is a good fit for you. If so, I will have some further questions to go through and will then explain the project in more detail. If the study is not a good fit for you, we can talk about whether you want to be included in our research database for future projects. At any point in this process, you can request a copy of the information that we have collected from you. Here are the screening questions: 1. Are you a parent of a child who is twice-exceptional who lives at home with you? Y / N 2. Do you speak English fluently? Y / N 3. Is responding to yourself with kindness and compassion a goal or priority in how you live and parent? Y / N 4. Are you able to meet in the Lower Mainland for two interviews, several months apart? Y /N 5. In the past month, have you heard or seen things that other would say are not real? Y / N 6. Have you recently had thoughts about wanting to harm or kill yourself? Y / N (Question 5 and 6 must be answered “No” and all other questions must be answered “Yes” in order to consider the person as a participant.) Good fit: Those are the basic screening questions and now I am going to ask you some further questions about your twice-exceptional child and self-compassion. 1. Can you tell me a little about your child and what has lead you to identify him/her as twice-exceptional? There are many useful ways to be self-compassionate, however, this study is particularly interested in Kristen Neff’s approach and is especially interested in interviewing parents who share this view of self-compassion. In the next part of our conversation, I’m going to read you questions from a measure called the Self-Compassion Scale, which contains 12 questions. As we work through the questions, you might even begin to sense whether the study is a good fit for you, but if not, then we will use your overall score on the measure to help figure out whether it will be helpful to make arrangements for an interview. (Do Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form - Appendix C) 166 Participants who are a good fit and who choose to participate, will be asked to take part in two face-to-face, videoed interviews (approximately 3 months apart) where they will be asked questions to help guide them through sharing their understanding, views, and experiences with self-compassion, and how they use self-compassion as a parent with a child who is twiceexceptional. At the first interview, we will read and sign the informed consent form before beginning. The consent form covers such things as the nature of the project, confidentiality, risks and benefits, etc. I will email that to you before we meet so that you can review it. Approximately 3 months after the first interview, I will contact you to set up a time for the follow-up interview. To assist with data analysis, your interviews will be transcribed and no identifying information will be associated with your interview transcriptions to protect your anonymity. All identifying information will remain confidential. The time commitment for both interviews is anticipated to be approximately 2 hours. Participation in this study is voluntary and you may withdraw from the study at any time and for any reason without penalty. If you are interested in the results of the research once it is finished, just let me know and I will send them to you. Do you have any questions for me now? You can reach me at darcie.brown@mytwu.ca or 604-864-6838 if you have further questions. Thank you for your time. Not good fit without psychosis or suicidality: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this project. Unfortunately, it seems you’re your view of self-compassion/twice-exceptionality is different than I am looking for with this project. Would you be open to me including your contact information in our research database in case another opportunity comes up that is more suitable? Not good fit due to psychosis or suicidality: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this project. Although the risk is low, this study does have the potential to call up difficult memories and emotions for participants. As part of the research ethics approval process, I’ve agree not to recruit parents who might be especially vulnerable to becoming distressed with such recollections. Given your responses to some of the screening questions, as a counsellor, I am required to ask some further questions to assess your risk for harming yourself. Ideation: Frequency, Duration & Intensity  Have you ever thought about trying to hurt yourself?  Have you ever wished you were dead?  Do you ever have thoughts of killing yourself – thoughts of suicide?  What are some precipitants or triggers that lead to these thoughts?  How often do you think about suicide – daily, weekly, or monthly?  How long do these thoughts last for?  How intense are they on a scale from 0 to 10, with 10 being extremely intense? Intention & Level of Self-Control  Do you have any intention of acting on the thoughts of suicide?  How strong is your intent from 0 to 10, with 10 being extremely strong? 167  How certain are you that you can keep yourself safe, from 0 to 10, with 10 being completely certain? How safe can you keep yourself?  How much in control do you feel?  Have you had times when you felt out of control? If so, how did you manage it? Plan  Do you have a plan to hurt yourself? Do you have a plan to kill yourself?  When, where, and how?  Availability of method(s): Do you have means? How accessible are your means? Past Suicidal Ideation & Attempts  Have you had any thoughts of killing yourself in the past?  Have you ever attempted suicide in the past?  How did you feel about surviving your suicide attempt(s)? Reasons for Living (Protective Factors)  What’s kept you going in the past when you’ve had suicidal thoughts?  What keeps you alive right now? What keeps you going every day?  What would need to happen to help you be more hopeful about the future?  What makes up your support systems? Who can you turn to in a crisis?  What made you decide to come to therapy today? RISK LEVELS NONE Absence of suicidal ideation or other risk factors. MILD Suicidal ideation of limited frequency, intensity, or duration; no identifiable plans, no intent; good self-control; few warning signs; few risk factors; presence of protective factors. MODERATE Frequent suicidal ideation with moderate intensity & duration; some specific plan(s) but not concrete; low intent; some warning signs; some risk factors; presence of protective factors. HIGH Frequent, intense & enduring suicidal ideation; specific plan(s); objective markers of intent (ex. some limited preparatory behaviour); access to lethal method(s); evidence of impaired selfcontrol or impulsivity; severe dysphoria/symptomatology; multiple warning signs; multiple risk factors present; few, if any, protective factors. IMMINENT Frequent, intense & enduring suicidal ideation; specific plan(s); clear subjective (self-report) & objective (clinical judgment) intent; access to lethal methods; impaired self-control; severe dysphoria/symptomatology; loss of rational thinking; many warning signs; many risk factors; no protective factors. 168 INTERVENTIONS MILD Refer to Fraser River Counselling or other counselling agency for ongoing support. Also provide participant with crisis line and other resources in the community. MODERATE Provide psychoeducation and create a safety plan with participant. Refer to Fraser River Counselling or other counselling agency for ongoing support. Also provide participant with crisis line and other resources in the community. Follow up with participant after 24 – 48 hours. HIGH Provide psychoeducation and create a safety plan with participant. Contact participant’s emergency contact to provide one-to-one support at home. If no emergency contact is available, initiate voluntary hospitalization. Refer to Fraser River Counselling or other counselling agency for ongoing support. Also provide participant with crisis line and other resources in the community. Follow up with participant and emergency contact next day. IMMINENT Initiate voluntary hospitalization or involuntary hospitalization under the Mental Health Act. Notify emergency contact. Refer to Fraser River Counselling or other counselling agency for ongoing support. Also provide participant with crisis line and other resources in the community. Follow up with participant and emergency contact next day. BC Mental Health & Substance Use Services - www.bcmhsus.ca or 310-6789 Psychosis Information - http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/psychosis Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of BC - 1-800-784-2433 (1-800Suicide) or http://crisiscentre.bc.ca Here to Help (Mental health and substance use information you can trust) www.heretohelp.bc.ca Crisis Intervention & Suicide Prevention Centre of BC: 604-872-3311 CHIMO Crisis Line: 604-279-7070 SAFER (Suicide Attempt Follow-up, Education & Research): 604-675-3985 169 Appendix B: Recruitment Visual Promotion 170 Appendix C: Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form To Whom it May Concern: Please feel free to use the Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form in your research (12 items instead of 26 items). The short scale has a near perfect correlation with the long scale when examining total scores. We do not recommend using the short form if you are interested in subscale scores, since they’re less reliable with the short form. You can e-mail me with any questions you may have. The appropriate reference is listed below. Best wishes, Kristin Neff, Ph. D. e-mail: kristin.neff@mail.utexas.edu Reference: Raes, F., Pommier, E., Neff,K. D., & Van Gucht, D. (2011). Construction and factorial validation of a short form of the Self-Compassion Scale. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy. 18, 250-255. Coding Key: Self-Kindness Items: 2, 6 Self-Judgment Items: 11, 12 Common Humanity Items: 5, 10 Isolation Items: 4, 8 Mindfulness Items: 3, 7 Over-identified Items: 1, 9 Subscale scores are computed by calculating the mean of subscale item responses. To compute a total self-compassion score, reverse score the negative subscale items - self-judgment, isolation, and over-identification (i.e., 1 = 5, 2 = 4, 3 = 3, 4 = 2, 5 = 1) - then compute a total mean. 171 HOW I TYPICALLY ACT TOWARDS MYSELF IN DIFFICULT TIMES Please read each statement carefully before answering. To the left of each item, indicate how often you behave in the stated manner, using the following scale: Almost never 1 2 3 4 Almost always 5 _____1. When I fail at something important to me I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy. _____2. I try to be understanding and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like. _____3. When something painful happens I try to take a balanced view of the situation. _____4. When I’m feeling down, I tend to feel like most other people are probably happier than I am. _____5. I try to see my failings as part of the human condition. _____6. When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need. _____7. When something upsets me I try to keep my emotions in balance. _____8. When I fail at something that’s important to me, I tend to feel alone in my failure _____9. When I’m feeling down I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that’s wrong. _____10. When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people. _____11. I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies. _____12. I’m intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like. 172 Appendix D: Participant Demographics Participant Demographics Ethnic Name M/F Age Education Background Kyrah F 41 EuropeanCanadian Amber F 50 EuropeanCanadian / Aboriginal Robin F 50 EuropeanCanadian Ruth Cheryl F F 38 EuropeanCanadian 37 EuropeanCanadian Celeste F 36 FrenchCanadian Mary F 48 EuropeanCanadian Bachelors Occupation Marketing Company Owner Child's Child's Diagnoses Age 9 Graduate Teacher / Photographer 13 Bachelors Omitted 15 Learning Disabilities Sensory Processing Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, Autism Spectrum "Symptoms", Complex Behavioural Disorder, Learning Disability, Hyper/hypotonia, Mosaic Trisomy 8 Autism Spectrum Disorder, Type 1 Diabetes, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Gifted, Severe Anxiety, Developmental Coordination Disorder Some Graduate Teacher 10 Neurodevelopmental Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Learning Disabilities, Possibly Sensory Processing Disorder Bachelors Mentor Coorrdinator / Dance Teacher 7 Low Ferritin, Sensory Processing, Giftedness Graduate Student / Artist Bachelors Photographer 10 14 Cystic Fibrosis, Cystic FibrosisRelated Diabetes, Immune Compromised, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Dyslexia Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Learning Disabilities, Possibly Autism Spectrum 173 Appendix E: Sample Step 1 Interview 2 – Amber and Katy Plot Amber, a European and Aboriginal woman in her 50s, talks about parenting her twiceexceptional child, Katy. Katy is 13 years old, Jamacian-Caucasian-Aboriginal and was adopted as at 7 months of age and now lives with her mom and dad in a suburban neighbourhood in the lower mainland of British Columbia. For the interview, which takes place in Amber’s living room, Amber is dressed casually with an artistic flair; we are surrounded by her paintings and kept company by her curious, mischievous cats. Amber has just finished a busy day at work when we meet and lets me know that she loves her job as an art teacher, but that it is overwhelming and exhausting to have in addition to raising and homeschooling Katy. In Amber’s story, I hear a tension between her younger self being driven and perfectionistic, and her present self adjusting expectations so she can care for Katy and herself. After experiencing a trauma at work, Amber struggled with having less energy. This has been compiled with the challenges of supporting Katy with regular life and school expectations, in addition to demands of her teaching commitments, not being as young anymore, and relationship stress. She was supported through this reality, and needing to be more of many things to parent Katy, by conversations with professionals and friends, and reading books, which helped her develop her own approach to self-compassion. The metaphor of self-compassion being a “militant pursuit” is part of Amber’s story, as she notes this is how a friend modeled it for her. It’s echoed later in the story, too, such as when Amber describes self-compassion as a “survival tactic”. However, when Amber talks about doing creative activities or being in nature, she seems to connect with a deeper part of herself that needs nourishing. The images of military and soul connections are opposites, yet she engages both in an amalgamation of discipline and compassion. Response As I listen to Amber, I am amazed by how much women carry – careers, children, relationships – and how caring for ourselves can easily become a burden too. I find myself wondering about the amount of “doing” in our lives versus “being”. I think of times where taking care of myself has become another obligation in my long list of to-dos. I sense a shift in Amber when she talks about being present with nature and her art, so this is something I can relate to and will be listening for. Amber and I have been professional friends in the arts world for over a decade. Our lives have overlapped less in the last 5 years as we have both gone back to school and changed careers. I feel a sense of nostalgia and relief as we reconnect – our lives have both drastically changed, yet we still have similar stories to share. 174 Appendix F: Consent Form Principal Investigator: Darcie Brown, MA Counselling Psychology Student Department of Counselling Psychology, Trinity Western University Darcie.brown@mytwu.ca, 604-864-6838 Faculty Supervisor: Dr. Krista Socholotiuk, R. Psych, Assistant Professor Department of Counselling Psychology, Trinity Western University Krista.socholotiuk@twu.ca, 604-513-2034 Title: Voices of Self-Compassion: Experiences of Self-Compassionate Parents of TwiceExceptional Children Purpose: You are invited to participate in a research study exploring how parents of twiceexceptional children experience self-compassion. Self-compassion is the practice of treating oneself with loving-kindness in times of stress or difficulty. Previous research has shown many benefits of self-compassion for many different populations, but no self-compassion studies have been done with parents of children who are twice-exceptional. The purpose of this study is to learn more about the long-term and daily experiences of self-compassionate parents of children who are twice-exceptional. Study Procedures: Study involvement will include two video-recorded interviews approximately 3 months apart. The first interview will take approximately 90 minutes to complete. During this initial interview, you will be asked to share about your journey of being self-compassionate and raising a child who is twice-exceptional. Afterwards, a summary of the findings from your first interview will be sent to you by email to review and a second interview will be scheduled. The second interview will take approximately 30 minutes to complete. You will be given the opportunity to discuss the summary and share any additional thoughts or comments. Potential Risks and Discomforts: Risks associated with this research are minimal but may include discomfort from discussing personal views and experiences with an unfamiliar person. If you become uncomfortable or distressed, the interview will be stopped and you will be given the choice to continue when you feel ready or to end the interview. Potential Benefits: You may experience greater self-awareness through sharing your experiences. In addition, you will help counsellors and service-providers better understand the experience of parents of children who are twice-exceptional. The hope is that this information may inform counsellors and service providers about one way to support parents of children who are twice-exceptional. Confidentiality: Any information that is obtained in connection with this study and that can be identified with you will remain confidential and will be disclosed only with your permission or as required by law. You will be asked to choose a pseudonym for you and your child, which will 175 be used to represent you in all documents related to your interview. Both interviews will be video and audio recorded and stored on a password protected computer and/or encrypted and password protected drive. Interview transcripts will exclude any identifying information. Documents relating to the interview will be kept on a password-protected storage device and only members of the research team will have access to these documents. No person except the principle researcher will view the video recordings, and all audio-visual recordings will be destroyed once the project is completed, while interview transcripts will be kept for future research. Upon your verbal or written request, a copy of the final study results, and/or your score on the Self-Compassion Scale will be provided to you. Contact for information about the study: If you have questions or desire further information with respect to this study, you may contact the principle investigator, Darcie Brown, or the faculty supervisor, Dr. Krista Socholotiuk at the contact information provided above. Contact for Concern of Participants: If you have any concerns about your treatment or rights as a research participant, you may contact Elizabeth Kreiter in the Office of Research, Trinity Western University at 604-513-2167 or researchethicsboard@twu.ca. Consent: Your participation in this study is completely voluntary and you may refuse to participate or withdraw from the study at any time. Withdrawal from the study will not affect you in any way. Your interview recordings and transcripts will be destroyed upon your written or verbal request to withdraw from the study. Your signature below indicates that you have had your questions about the study answered to your satisfaction and have received a copy of this consent form for your own records. Your signature indicates that you consent to participate in this study and that your responses may be put in anonymous form and kept for further use after the completion of this study. ________________________________________________________ Participant Signature Date ________________________________________________________ Printed Name of Participant ________________________________________________________ Researcher Signature 176 Appendix G: Demographic Information Form Participant Information 1) Pseudonyms (participant and child) ______________________________________________________________________________ 2) Gender 3) Age __________ 4) Ethnic Background ( ) European/European-Canadian ( ) French-Canadian ( ) Aboriginal ( ) African/African-Canadian ( ) Asian/Asian-Canadian ( ) South Asian/South Asian Canadian ( ) Caribbean/Caribbean Canadian ( ) Middle Eastern/Middle Eastern Canadian ( ) Latin American/Latin American Canadian ( ) Other: _________________________________________________ 5) Highest level of education completed ( ) Some High School ( ) Completed High School ( ) Some University or Post-Secondary ( ) Completed Diploma or Trade Certificate ( ) Completed Bachelors Degree ( ) Some Graduate School ( ) Completed Graduate Degree ( ) Other: _________________________________________________ 6) Occupation _________________________________________________ 7) Child’s age _________________________________________________ 8) What diagnoses does your child have? _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ 177 _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ 9) Who gave the diagnoses and when did you receive them? ____________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ 178 Appendix H: First Interview Prompts Research Questions What are the voices of self-compassion in self-compassionate parents of 2e children? And, how do parents of 2e children describe the role of self-compassion in their lives? 1. Can you tell me a little about your child and what has led you to identify him/her as twice-exceptional? 2. How would you define self-compassion? a. Use Self-Compassion Scale – Short Form for prompts if needed. b. Does an image or word come to mind? c. What are some examples of being self-compassionate? 3. Can you tell me how your approach to self-compassion has developed? a. How have your experiences of compassion changed throughout your life? i. Are there key points in time where there have been shifts? ii. Was self-compassion something that was modeled for you by your parents when you were growing up? iii. How has your journey as a parent of a child who is twice-exceptional influenced your experience of self-compassion? b. What helps you foster compassion towards yourself? i. Are there any activities, thoughts, feelings or images that help you feel self-compassionate? c. When are the times it’s easier to be self-compassionate? Harder? d. In what ways does having a twice-exceptional child influence your selfcompassion? e. Have you experienced resistance toward self-compassion? Where has this resistance come from? 4. How has self-compassion played a role in your life as a parent of a twice-exceptional child? a. Can you give some examples? b. How has self-compassion affected your parenting? 5. Do you have any other thoughts or comments about self-compassion and parenting a twice-exceptional child that you would like to share? 179 Appendix I: Interview Information Chart Participant Primary Interview Follow-Up Interview Location Kyrah 63 minutes 66 minutes In Person Amber 64 minutes 64 minutes In Person Robin 79 minutes 41 minutes In Person Ruth 75 minutes 80 minutes In Person Cheryl 116 minutes 46 minutes In Person Celeste 70 minutes 19 minutes Online Mary 63 minutes 16 minutes Online 180 Appendix J: Follow-Up Interview Prompts Thank you for returning for our final interview. During this interview, we will review the summary you received of your first interview to check that you feel it is accurate and reflects the content we covered. I will also ask you a few questions and offer you an opportunity to debrief and ask me any questions. Questions: 1. After reading through the summary of your first interview, do you feel that it is accurate and reflective of the content we covered? a. What stands out to you? b. Is there anything that you would like to change or clarify? c. Is there anything that surprises you? 2. What have you discovered or have you had any greater insights through this process? 3. What has this process led you to reflect on? 4. Is there anything that has not been talked about that you would like to include in your interview? 5. Do you have any questions for me? 6. What are you taking away from participating in this process? 181 Appendix K: Data Analyst Confidentiality Agreement As a member of the team using the listening guide to analyze transcripts, you will be in possession of personal, and at times sensitive, information about individuals, possibly including their identities, locations, as well as their study transcripts. You are expected to keep all information confidential, and understand and abide by the ethics policy as described in the Tricouncil Policy Statement (http://www.pre.ethics.gc.ca/eng/policypolitique/ initiatives/tcps2-eptc2/Default/). I, _____________________________, agree to maintain full confidentiality in regard to any and all recordings and documentation received from Darcie Brown related to her project on selfcompassionate parents of children who are twice-exceptional. Furthermore, I agree: a. To hold in the strictest confidence the identification of any individual that may be inadvertently revealed during the transcription or recorded interviews, or in any associated documents; b. To not make copies of any recordings or computerized files of the transcribed interview texts, unless specifically requested to do so by Darcie Brown; c. To store all study related recordings and materials in a safe, secure location as long as they are in my possession; d. To return all recordings and study related documents to Darcie Brown in a complete and timely manner; e. To delete all electronic files containing study-related documents from my computer hard drive and any backup devices. I am aware that I can be held legally liable for any breach of this confidentiality agreement, and for any harm incurred by individuals if I disclose identifiable information contained in the recordings and/or files to which I will have access. ____________________________ ___________________________________ __________ Signature Printed Name Date 182 Sample L: Sample I-Poem Interview 1 - Kyrah’s I-Poem I just like him I find I have a relationship I just like him I snuggle him We have little talks I’ve let go of We need to hit these milestones I need to drive you I don’t feel that (428–431) 183 Appendix M: Sample Voice Descriptions Interview 7 – Mary Aware       Insight Knowing past Making connections Consciousness Acceptance “I realized” Authenticity     Ability to show up Who she is Honesty in the moment Owning things Purposeful        Doing/empowerment (both self and son) Decisions / choices Conscientiousness Intentionality Perseverance Effort Proactive Criticism    Should Judgment Misunderstanding 184 Appendix N: Voices and Descriptions Participant Voice Description Kyrah Connection Emerges when she is in relationship with others and there is a sense of reliance. Conveys a sense of disempowerment and disconnection when she experiences separateness from others. Easily leads to comparisons and guilt; a voice steeped in a culture where women must look like they can effortlessly do everything exceptionally well. Is aware of her worth and value as a human being, and says things like, “I need” and “I want,” and shows self-understanding and self-kindness. Powered by perfectionism and people-pleasing; says things like, “I need to,” “I have to,” and “I should.” Voice of personhood that sounds like a deep, resonant honesty, and is heard as longings, desires, and wishes; captures core self, soul, and expresses inner experience of self and self in the world. States facts, understandings, own realizations; firmly acknowledges both her capabilities and her weaknesses; is strong, declarative, and rooted in reality. Lacks knowledge and sometimes does not realize capabilities or limitations. Emerges when she has agency and is engaged with self, life, and/or others; says things like, “I do” and “I am.” Allows use of knowledge and logic to work through challenges, keeps things in order, can be technical, facilitates awareness; allows her to realize that experiencing problems and mistakes are part of being human. Attenuates or dismisses what is being said and introduces a layer of questioning or insecurity. Heard when there is an awareness of things without applying “good” or “bad” labels; a voice that tells it like it is. Realizes choices and empowerment; recognizes herself as being deserving, worthy, and having value; gives the self permission to do what it needs. Independence Expectations Self-Worth Amber Obligation Being Knowing Not-Knowing Robin Being Informed Dismissing Ruth Acceptance Self-Worth 185 Expectations Understanding Cheryl Perfectionism Honesty Rationalizing Celeste Acceptance Learning Agency Mary Authenticity Critical Purposeful Aware concerned with to-do lists, shoulds, and perfectionism. It is a voice that is aware of societal pressure, roles, and socialized norms. Conveys learning things and knowing; cognitively works through things; sometimes she describes it as her “brain clicking”. Expresses a need to live by high standards she selfimposes, and to control or shape her environment or people’s behaviours; a voice of a need to achieve and says things like, “I have to” and “I should.” Speaks with emotional truthfulness, vulnerability, kindness, and authenticity that is heard when she acknowledges when things are difficult. Gives background information, reasons, and logical explanations; sometimes uses technical language to explain things and can take the tone of justifying choices or actions. Arises when there is an awareness and peace about herself and how things are; allows herself to be herself and the experience to be what it is; says, “I’m okay.” Heard when there is an openness to thinking and being differently; connected to her ability to change, adapt, and experience a metamorphosis or evolution. Heard when there is a belief in her capacity to take effective action and to make impactful choices; can ask for and express things with its ability to do; connection to her deeper being or self. Heard when she expresses honesty in the moment and owns things; confidence in who she is and her ability to show up with vulnerability and courage. A critical inner-mom voice that says things like, “You’re fat,” “That’s dumb,” or ‘Why did you do that? That’s stupid.” An effortful, proactive voice that leads to intentional doing and empowerment; recognizes that she has choices and often expresses her conscientiousness and perseverance; a voice of self and being. A voice of insight, making connections, and consciousness; has an underlying tone of acceptance as it knows the past and will say things like, “I realized.” 186 Appendix O: Groups of Voices Informed Learning Rationalizing Aware Understanding Not-Knowing Knowing Acceptance Being Agency Self-Worth Honesty Connection Independence Authenticity Purposeful Presence Dismissing Critical Expectations Obligation Perfectionism Demand Wise 187 Appendix P: Themes and Voices Remaining Mindful Despite Difficulties Weathering Challenges • Acknowledge own emotional needs. (Presence Voices) • Caring for own needs through acts of self-care. (Presence Voices) • Recognizing self-generated demand voices are unfair and unsustainable. (Presence & Demand Voices) Wiser Problem-Solving • Embracing mindful awareness and acceptance. (Wise Voices) Nurturing Encouraging Relationships • Reflecting on parenting. (Wise Voices) • Caring for own needs through acts of self-care. (Presence Voices) • Commitment to learning and being informed. (Wise Voices) • Addressing the Demand voices of others. (Demand Voices)